Tamara must have released me and laid me on the ground while I slept. She threw a blanket over me to covered me up. Now that I was aawke, I sat up. "You fell asleep. Anush allowed me to release you while you slept. I had to please him several times. Now I have to chain you back to the wall since you're awake again" she explained to me and pat my head. I pushed her and away and stood up and stepped to the wall. She closed the locks around my feet and hands and I didn't protested. "I'm sorry" she said and smiled weak. "Why?" I asked. The sudden feelings in her eyes surprised me. "You're my daughter" she said smiling. "You're dead" I answered cold. I hated her. She wasn't my mother anymore. My real mother died when I was younger. What she allowed Anush to do to me killed her at last. "Don't you see? I'm alive. I'm right in front of you" she insisted. "The one in front of me isn't my mother. My mother died" I spat out. "Stop it Shura. Please. I din't had a chance!" she pleased. "You had. I'd rather die than let my child be raped, over and over again by the same man, by her father. You had a choice Tamara. You choose life and let me die. I'm dead inside. How else could I cope with Anush raping me? I died ecause you didn't figth. You wanted to stay alive for your own. You saved yourself and let your daugther die" I screamed. That woman made me angry. She never cared for me once, she was always absent or in her own thougths. At least her stories were okay, they kept me busy. "Shura! he forced me" Tamara started to cry. I didn't care. I was left by everyone, and no one could ever reach me to save me from this hell. All I wanted was to die. Die and end this terrible pain. "Shura" she whimpered "You're right. I could have chosen to fight. But I didn't because worse than fighting was seeing you be killded by your father. He told me if I would fight back, he would kill you. I knew, leaving you would give him permission to do to you what he wanted, but I didn't wanted to loose you. I gave life to you and I didn't wanted to be responsilbe for you loosing it. I loved your father. I hated Anush. But he had the force and powers to get us both killed. It was hard enough loosing your father. I had to watch how Anush hurt him all those years. And my love for that man grew every time. And my hate for Anush did too. And I did everything just for you to stay alive", she explained. "You know what? I hate you" I stared at her. "Please stay calm... I have to tell you something" she said. "Yeah? Something important? Did he decide to make me his sex slave? Well, I'm not interested in giving up my life and body for him. Tell him to fuck himself. I won't become his sex slave" I was furious. "I'm pregnant. I'm bearing Anush's child" she opened up and stared at me. "Well, that's fantastic. Good luck in protecting that child. You failed with me" I answered sarcastic. "You are pregnant too" she said and poked my belly. The silence that followed was unbearable. I laughed. "I'm not" I laughed. "You are. I tested you. And I hope for you own sake that it's his child and not Ackermann's" she said. "I wished it was Levi's. I wished it was!" I shouted. Tamara told the truth. I was pregnant with my father's child. It wasn't Levi's, I had no chance of getting near him. At least not like that. The scar Anush gave me was too deep. "If mine is born disabled, we will adopt your child. You will live here, in this room, to serve Anush commands" Tamara said. I saw the tears in her eyes. Did I hurt her that much? I shook my head. She was a cold hearted bitch, and deserved everything. "I wish you suffer great under Anush" I spat on her. She wiped it away and smiled at me. Then she left the room. I really was enraged. How dare she? I hated everything, everyone and myself the most. I was alnoe with my thoughts for a while. What would Anush tell the world about the sudden apperance of his dead wife? Would he tell she rose from the dead? Would he tell them that she's Tamara's long lost twin sister? I got curious over a while. And what would he tell about me? Would he tell I ran away? I died? There were so many things I didn't understand. I didn't understand Anush behaviour and reactions either.
Nothing hurts more than loosing everyone you've ever loved. I was lost, and no one would ever find me. This hell was somewhere far below the surface and noone knew about it. Anush finally had what he wanted all the time. He broke me by letting me loose everything that meant something to me. And now he could use me for his sick wishes. He didn't had to hold back. There was no one who had to see me. And I had a baby, Anush baby. It wasn't Levis, for sure. There was no time to get intimate with him. Tamara thought I was some slut that slept with every male I came near to. But she forgot that my father selled me, that he forced me to have sex with several men. It was hilarious. I ended up far away in a living hell, without doing anything wrong. I was simply just born. It wasn't even my fault, but I had to pay the price while the true culprits either died or continued to live a life in wealth. I wanted this unborn child to die. Giving birth to it would chain my feelings for it, and Anush was too brutal to be a loving father. Even though no one was with me, I started to tell my worries out loud. "I don't want to be the mother of a child, whose father is insane. It's not good. Insanity is given by blood. And I am insane too... I really want to die. I can't be a mother. Mothers shouldn't wish to die. My life is a mess, I'm in hell and the hell is no place for a child to raise. I know, Levi wouldn't approve it, he would hate me for it, but I want this child to die inside my belly. I can't give birth to Anush child. I can't give life when I want to loose mine" A laugh rose inside me. "There. I'm insane. There's nothing I can do" I laughed loud. Suddenly I thought about Fenris. I lost him. He surely was okay. He was alive, people looked after him, he wasn't alone. They teached him things and raised him well. Fenris didn't need me anymore. But I needed him. He reminded me of life. How beautiful it was. That love was something truly good. Love was good and didn't hurt.y fathers love hurt me. But the feelings I had for Fenris were different. And they gave me the chance to fall in love with Levi. Fenris was my everything. I missed him. He was my life. Loosing that little angel made me loose control over my life. But at least he was safe. He had people care for him. And I'll be reunited with him when Levi saves me. I only had to wait. It won't take long until they're here. My father will be captured and I would be finally free. I was my only hope and the only thing I really held on to. Fenris and Levi. Those two changed everything for me. They would save me.
But I was alone for hours. It felt like an eternity. I fell asleep chained to the wall. Then I woke up, chained to the wall. And I had no sense of time at all. I just slept and woke up again. And fell asleep again and woke up again and repeated it. I was starving and so hungry but noone came to bring me food and water. I started to sing children's songs. Count seconds. Imagine how Levi would save me in several versions. I did everything to keep my sanity. My fantasies became very realistic and I started to hallucinate. I almost felt Levis hands how he untied me, but when my vision cleared and I realised it was Tamara. "I bring you food" she said monotonous. I knew, Anush did something to her. "What has he done?" I asked weak. As soon as my feet touched the ground I collapsed and curled up in a ball. "He hit me. And he insulted me. He said whore... To his own sister, to his loving wife" she said. She sat down next to me. "Do you know how much this hurts? I wished I was never born. I wished I didn't know him. He's a monster, and in all that time I was imprisoned, he didn't even change. What have you done Shura? You should have done something. Changed him. But you rested and didn't care about that monster and what he was doing. Did you know he killed? Do you know how many? It was my job to bury them! Two hundrets of children, and that wasn't even everything. Anush should have died, you should have killed him" she said and stared at the ceiling. I turned my head up to her. "I was a child, and now I'm not even an adult. I couldn't have done a thing. And since your death he was brutal and hard to me. He was so strict, I didn't had a chance" I explained. "Well, then I have to kill him" she insisted. "No. Not yet. Please" I said. "Do you want to suffer? Two days have passed and you're already that weak" she laughed. I smiled as I realised that I was soon to be saved by my love. Just one day, One day until Levi came to rescue me. "Just one day. I want to talk to him in one day. I need to" I said. "What about?" she asked curious. "I want to ask him about his childhood. I want to know why he turned out like that" I answered. It was the truth. I wanted to know what caused his unusual behaviour. Why didn't he turn out like everyone else? Why was he insane? "I can tell you, that he was very nice until he turned 8. Then he started to hurt me, and kill small animals. I can't remember everything. I was only 5 years old. Mother told me a bit about it. How he started to bully his classmates, how he hurt me on purpose. But she said, that it was his natural behaviour. There was nothing she could have done" Tamara explained. I nodded. "He will remember" I said. "I don't think he will tell you" Tamara answered. There was a knock on the door. "Lisa, you can enter" she said. Lisa entered the room. she gave Tamara a letter and turned to me. "Oh girl, you're so weak! here, have some of this soup" she shouted. Then she sat me up and helped me eating the soup. "Is there meat in it?" I asked curious. "No, it's vegetarian" Lisa answered. "I want meat" I whispered and closed my eyes. "Don't close your eyes, stay awake" Tamara assisted Lisa and shook me. I opened my eyes again. "Here, water. Drink it" she said. I drank the water in big sips. "You're doing it very good. That's good" Lisa said. The two women smiled at each other. "I missed you. Lady Tamara" Lisa said. "You're my best friend, after all this time" Tamara smiled and hugged her. I finished the soup with Tamara's help. "Is there anything else I can do?" Lisa sked. "Go to Anush and ask him if he can talk to Shura. She wants to know some things. But wait until tomorrow. I will bring her to bed" Tamara said. Lisa nodded, took the plate and left the room. "Her daughter, Eve is a cadet of the Survey Corps now" I told Tamara. "That's good. That poor girl suffered so much under Anush when he hit her and bullied her on purpose. But you two were very good friends and you kept comforting her" she said and grabbed me on my arms. "We are now, too. I met her with the Survey Corps. But this time she was comforting me." I told her and smiled. Those were happy memories. Tamara dragged me to her bed and laid me on it. Then she pulled a blanket over me. "Sleep well Shura" she said and kissed me on the forehead. Then she left the room, turned out the lights and closed the door behing her. I heard the key in the lock. Three times. After all she locked the door three times. She still did n't trust me enough to left the door unlocked. I had only a few hours left until I was either free or dead. I smiled at the thought of Levi saving me. He saved me once, he would save me again. And I would be forever thankful for him.
I woke up by some hitting me across the face. "Shit, what had happened?" I asked confused and opened my eyes. I saw Anush towering above me. "Wake up slut" he shouted at me. He took my arm with great force and dragged me out of the bed. I fell to the ground and bruised my hip. "Wait, I'll stand up" I said and tried to push me up. "You will do as I say" He said and threw me to the ground again. I cried out in pain. "What's that about?" I asked slightly annoyed and angry. "You wanted to talk to me. You think you can order me around?" Anush shouted. "Well obviously I can. You came as I pleased" I smiled. Being brave wasn't very wise, but I wanted to show him that I'm not his little girl. His foot found his way hard into my guts. I screamed but ended up laughing. "Shura, I see you turned just as insane as I am" Anush said and hold my head between his hands. "I'm so proud of what you are now" he whispered. "I'm not insane" I answered. Then I spit into his face. He growled and threw me away. "No, you aren't insane. You're suicidal. And that's a form of insanity too" he smiled but his voice told he he was angry and not happy. And he was right. Suicide was insanity too. And on that point of view, I was insane too. "I'm insane, but not like you. Whatever turned you insane, it didn't turn me insane" I said and tried to push the conversation into the direction I wanted. "You want to know why I am insane?" he asked and sat to the ground. "Well then I'll tell you" he continued and hit me again with his feet. Well that went better than I thought. "It was my father. He abused me since I was three years old. He sexually abused me. At the age of six, he forced me to hurt girls younger than me. At first I didn't know them, but then I was told to hurt Tamara. And I did it. And surprisingly I liked it. Her screaming and her tears. How she pleased me to stop. How she told me she loved me more than everything just to make me stop and that I shouldn't hurt her because she was my sister. That's when he started abusing her too. My father was so proud of me. But every time I didn't pleased his wishes and didn't make him proud he tortured me and abused me again. It stopped when Tamara got pregnant from me. We were forced to marry, but she lost the kid. Soon after that he disappeared and was found dead. But the truth was, that we hurt Tamara that much, that I hit her too often and father abused her too much so she lost the kid. And I was so angry that I killed him. That's what happened. And that's why I am insane. But I need a son who continued the family secret. Only the male side of the family is able to hold the secret" he said and laughed. Then he stood up and came to me. "What did you wanted to ask me?" he asked. "Well, you just answered my first queastion and gave me another one. Which sectret?" I asked and smiled at him. "You're not male" he answered. "What a pity. Tell me!" I insisted. He wanted to say something, but a loud crushing sound disturbed him. "Wait here" he said and rushed out of the room. And forgot to lock the door behind him. What did that man think, leaving me like that? What was that secret? Why didn't he lock the door?