Hi! Sorry for not updating sooner but school has been completely taking over my life and all the technology in my house hates me. I'm serious, my computer has a virus and my laptop has a mind of its own... Haha, but really, when I typing this chapter, my laptop literally froze for a good half an hour and then turned off completely. Thank goodness my laptop has auto save. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, I managed to add in a little fluff for all of you. :)
AN: I don't own anything except the plot so I guess that will do.
I cracked my eyes open. I looked up at the light yellow ceiling and I instantly knew that I was in mine and Logan's bedroom. What happened? I tilt my head to the side only to find Logan sitting on the bed next to me. His back was resting against the headboard of the bed and by the look on his face, I knew he was thinking intently.
He was staring at me and frankly it was bothering me. His eyes were completely glued to me yet his face wore no expression. He was making me feel like I had done something wrong.
"What Logan?" I ask crossly.
He doesn't answer- he just keeps staring. "Logan." I snap my fingers and when that doesn't work, I nudge his side, eliciting an unintentional giggle from him.
He was upset, I could see it in his eyes. But what for? I didn't remember. He had the same broken puppy dog look as I often did. I could tell his heart was aching. I reach up and cup his face in my hand but he turns his face away from me. He wouldn't look me in the eyes- that hurt. I didn't even know what I did wrong.
"Why are you so sad?" I ask, realizing how childish I sounded. "Logan, please," I beg. The silence was killing me. It was never this quiet between us no matter how serious we may have been.
"You didn't expect me to be happy with what you did, did you?" he asks bitterly, jerking his head to face me. He grabs my arm, pushing up the sleeve of my green long sleeved shirt. "Why didn't you tell me it was bothering you so much? You're pretty damn lucky that you didn't cut too deep and I didn't have to take you to the hospital. What were you thinking, Camille? Couldn't we have gotten through it together? You didn't have to cut!" he yells, tears choking up his voice. I cringe at the volume of his voice.
I look down at my wrist and sure enough, there were a few fine, clean cuts there. Leave it to Logan to make sure they were disinfected.
"Did you think about what I would go through? Did you think about me? Did you think about any of our friends? How- how could you, Camille? I almost lost you before; I didn't want to lose you for real this time," he whimpers, lowering his voice a little.
I breathe in deeply, trying to remember. Memories of earlier in the day come flooding back. I had cut, even after I had promised myself that I wouldn't ever again. I broke a promise that I had made to make sure that I didn't hurt anyone. I had made it to make sure that Logan or any one of my friends never found out and so they were never hurt. I didn't mean to break my self-promise.
There was a long silence and I knew he was expecting me to break it.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm so sorry. I know that's not good enough after what I put you through but I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I let my parents' words get to me, I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you about it and I'm sorry that I… cut. Most of all, I'm sorry that I made you think that you were going to lose me. I- I didn't mean to, I swear. I promised myself I wouldn't before-." I clasp my hand over my mouth realizing what I just said. I mentally curse- Logan was never supposed to know about what happened at the hospital months ago.
He hears me, I know he did, yet he doesn't say anything. Again, there was a long silence.
"How many times?" he asks quietly. He looks down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs around each other.
"How many times what?" I ask confusedly.
"How many times did you, you know… cut?" he asks in a low voice.
His voice was making me feel even worse. I was just messing up everything, wasn't I? I couldn't even stop myself from slipping my secret. Stupid, stupid me. I should have been more careful and now that I'd slipped, Logan knew. Knowing Logan, I knew he wasn't going to let this slide. He was going to want to know every detail and I was going to have to tell him.
I sigh as I sit up, running a hand through my curls. "Twice. Just this time and once a few months ago."
"That's it? Swear?" he asks.
I know he wasn't happy with me but I know he wasn't as upset as before. He probably thought it was worse. He probably thought that I had cut numerous times. In a way, that relieved me. Maybe I was better at handling this entire situation than anyone thought I was. But in other ways, it scared me even more. I didn't want this to become an addiction. It wasn't an addiction… yet. It was just a two time thing and it wasn't going to happen again, right? That scared me. I had promised myself that it wouldn't happen again months ago, yet it did. Would it just be a matter of time before I broke that promise yet again? I didn't want to. I didn't want to cut again. I didn't want to hurt Logan like that again.
"Swear," I say, taking his hand in mine. A lump grew in my throat and I could feel tears at the corners of my eyes. I was the last person who should've been hurting Logan. I knew that and yet I'd let my mind spiral out of control and hurt him anyways.
"Okay." He about to say something else and I send him an encouraging but wobbly smile to urge him to go on.
"Hey," Logan says softly, finally turning his entire body to face me and taking my hands in his. "So I've been thinking about this a lot today... Do you think, I mean, I'm not saying your crazy or anything but the doctors did recommend it and I was thinking that they may be right about it and…" Logan rambles until I cut him off with a soft kiss.
"Logan, babe, please get to the point," I tell him, a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips. I blinked back all my tears, and looked at him in the eyes.
"I was thinking that maybe you could try out therapy. I mean, I know you're not crazy or anything but I don't think I've been able to help you as much as I've wanted to. I thought I could help you through all of this but I've realized that I'm no professional. I can't help you in the ways you need. Maybe going to a professional therapist will help and if it doesn't, you can always back out. What do you think?" he asks me, his chocolate brown eyes staring right into my own.
He was right. I did need help. I couldn't keep pretending that everything around was normal when I knew it wasn't. I couldn't keep bottling up everything inside because just as I had done earlier, I was going to explode and take drastic measures. I didn't want that. I wanted to be fixed again and maybe seeing a therapist would be my first step to that.
I nod slowly. "Yeah. I think I do need to get professional help. I'm more than a little messed up right now."
"Cami, you're not messed up. I'm sure anyone in your place would be going insane by now. Do even have any idea how proud of you I am? You beat the odds time and again and I'm sure that you may not think so, but you're strong. I know you think crying makes you weak, but trust me, it doesn't. Even the strongest people have their breaking points." He takes my hand in his again, intertwining our fingers, as I sit up a bit more and lean my head on his shoulder.
"Thank you, Logan," I say, then pause. I didn't want him to get mad at me for asking the question that was on my mind but I needed to. I needed to know that what I was thinking wasn't true. I needed to hear it from him. "Hey Logan? Can I ask you a question without you getting mad at me?" I ask carefully.
"Sweetie, I promise I won't get mad," he murmurs, running his thumb over my knuckles before kissing the back of my hand.
"Have you… ever regretted being with me? I mean, do you wish you never met me? Your life would be so much simpler right now if it wasn't for me and you'd be normal again."
He wraps an arm around me, holding me tight. "Cami, no. Never. I know we've been through way too much these past few months but at least we went through it together. Who likes normal anyways, Camille? Trust me, we weren't even normal before. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay? Don't you dare think any different."
My eyes flutter shut as he kisses my head. "Thank you, Logan. Not for just telling me all that when I needed to hear it but for everything. I know most people wouldn't stick around for so long after everything that has happened but you did and so did all of our friends. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me and for giving me all the love that I didn't have before. You saved me, Logan. Thank you."
I lift my head off his shoulder and lean in to place a lingering on his lips. "I love you."
Before I can pull away, he guides my chin back to meet him and he attaches our lips attach again, letting them move slowly and gently against each others.
I felt like I was on cloud nine. I had missed this. I had missed spending time alone with Logan. I had missed just kissing and cuddling with him without having to worry that I would injure myself more.
We part, our eyes gradually opening and our breaths tickling each others' faces as we rested our foreheads together.
"I love you too, Cami. So much. Don't ever forget that," he whispers, cupping my cheek in the palm of his hand.
I sigh and pull him into a tight embrace as I close my eyes. For the first time in months, I honestly felt like everything was going to be okay again.
AN: How many of you were expecting Logan to blow up? I didn't make him blow up so much because I felt like I'd tortured them enough. Haha, I'm sure you all agree. I thought there was innocence in this so I liked that about this chapter. I've been spoiling a lot of you for what's to come for this story so I decided to spill a little more to everyone. In a couple of chapters, you'll all find out a little secret of Logan's. Hopefully, I've gotten you curious now. I have a question: How many sessions of Camille's therapy would you like to see? I was leaning towards two but I'm not really sure so I would love to know what you all think.
Also, the BTR Awards 2012 have started up! Nominations are going on so go nominate your favorite stories for awards!
So... review?
Much love. :)