Break me down and build me up, whatever it takes. 'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins, I do whatever it takes. 'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains. ~ Imagine Dragons, Whatever it Takes

CHAPTER 3

The early morning mist is still settled over the city as I walk through the old Abnegation sector. As per my plan, Tobias and Drew were both fast asleep when I left the house this morning before the sun had come up.

There is a knot of guilt in my stomach for leaving before Tobias was awake. I know he'll have a moment of panic before he finds my note, but I also know he's going to fight me on this. I have to find out if this is even a possibility before we get into a fight about it.

The city is quiet as I continue on my walk. I like the silence; I like the cloudy sky and the slight mist leaving tiny droplets over my face.

The sun is starting to rise as I approach Caleb's home. I hope he's already awake and I don't disturb Susan or the kids. I would have this conversation with him at a better time, but I don't have any other time and I need this to be just between us for now.

I stand outside the front door for a few minutes, listening to see if I hear any movement inside. I think I hear a slight rustling, so I take a chance and knock as softly and quietly as I can. I don't have to wait long for Caleb to open the door.

His face is tired, his hair a mess, and he's got a blue robe covering his pajamas. I smile at his rumpled appearance, enjoying the company of my brother. He and Susan were busy with the kids and weren't able to make the party Tobias threw for me, but I think they were mostly just wary of being with a bunch of former rowdy Dauntless. They both prefer quiet nights at home.

"Beatrice? What are you doing here – is everything okay?"

"Can we talk?" I ask him, ignoring his questions.

"Of course, come in."

Caleb leads me into his home and motions for me to sit at the table in the kitchen. He makes quick work in the kitchen and is sitting next to me at the table, placing two cups of tea in front of each of us, within a few minutes.

"I have a couple of things to ask you, but I need to know you'll keep it between us."

Caleb looks at me for a few moments, studying my face and trying to decode whatever secrets I have. "Okay."

"When you were Erudite," he flinches at the mention of his old faction, but I continue, "did you ever make any serums or simulations?"

Caleb's eyes go wide, shame suddenly evident on every feature of his face. I don't have to wait for his verbal reply for my answer.

"Yes."

I take a deep breath and wrap my hands around the warm mug of hot tea, bracing myself for my next question.

"Do you think you could make some more?"

"What?" Caleb nearly shouts, but thankfully it doesn't seem to wake up anyone else in the house.

"Just one dose of each. For me, not to use on anyone else."

"Beatrice, why would you want that?"

"I can't tell you any specifics . . . but I want to go through my fear landscape again, and I need you to create the strongest simulation you can. Something you would think someone . . . like me wouldn't be able to get out of," it's odd, I've never been afraid to call myself Divergent, but now I don't even want to speak the term.

"Does Tobias know you're asking me this?"

I involuntarily flinch at the mention of my husband. Unfortunately, Caleb doesn't miss it.

"If this is something you need done, I would need approval from the city leaders. We got rid of that stuff for a reason, Beatrice."

"But you could do it?"

"Yes, I could do it."

I don't know whether I should feel relieved or worried. This was my plan; I want to test my divergence. But I'm also nervous to be put through these tests again.

"I'll tell Tobias tonight. How long do you think it will take you?"

"A few days, maybe a week. I won't start until Tobias gives me an okay."

I nod, understanding. "Thank you, Caleb."

I spend a while longer with my brother, catching up on how the kids are doing. It must have been longer than I realized since we last talked, because Caleb informs me that his oldest daughter, Alice, has decided she wants to join the security force. She's almost fifteen, so she still has a year left of schooling before she starts to decide what she wants to do, but I offer to give her a tour of the security compound sometime.

I leave before anyone else wakes up. I don't want any questions asked about my early morning visit. I feel the knot of guilt return as I pass by the street I would take to get home, and instead continue walking toward the Dauntless compound.

I didn't really lie in my note to Tobias. I will get to the compound early for some extra training, just not as early as I would have if I didn't make a detour to talk to Caleb. A good workout will hopefully help relieve the stress.

The compound has an early morning calmness to it when I enter. There are a few people milling around, and I get polite nods from a few that I recognize. I make my way to the training room and stare at the space before me, memories flooding through my mind of the countless other times I have been in here.

Tobias and I sit on the mat in the middle of the training room. My knees rest on the mat on either side of his hips, and his lips trail back and forth along my collarbone.

In one week we will begin training the incoming transfer initiates. We've both been given reduced work hours in order to prepare our plans for them. We decided to sit in the training room for some inspiration. We haven't gotten much done yet.

"When did you start training initiates?" I whisper, feeling guilty that we've used our time for kisses as opposed to preparation.

"The year after I passed initiation."

"Do you not just do the same thing every year?"

"It varies. It's the same basics, but it takes some time to make sure everything is organized. We should be doing inventory of the guns in the storage closet and putting up the punching bags right now. But I have to say, preparation this year is much more enjoyable than it has been in the past."

I look at the clock on the far wall and see I still have nearly two hours before Hector told me to be here. Nothing in the room is set up, so I go to the storage closet and grab a punching bag to hang up.

The next hour and a half is spent bloodying my knuckles against the rough leather of the bag. The sweat dripping down my face and the tightness in my muscles is uncomfortable but oddly comforting at the same time.

I sit down in the corner and wrap my knuckles, something I should have done before my training, but it just slipped my mind. My breath comes out in pants and my lungs burn, but I revel in it. This is why I'm here.

I allow myself to catch my breath for a few moments before I head to the storage room again and start to set up the targets and bring out the rack of guns. Today is target practice.

I am just about done setting up when Hector bursts into the room, his hair disheveled and his shirt on inside out.

"Wha –" he looks around at the perfectly set up room, confusion covering his features.

"I got here early," I shrug, hoping I haven't overstepped. I'm not the instructor here. "I hope its okay I set things up."

"Okay? You saved my ass, feel free to get here early anytime," Hector smiles, relief flowing off him in waves. He engulfs me in a hug so big it lifts my feet off the ground. By the time they are safely on the floor again the door swings open and the group of trainees enter, an excited hum among them as they see the guns stacked before them.

The trainees begin to line up before Hector and I, so I move to join them. Hector stops me with a firm hand on my shoulder.

"So, do we get another question?" the light haired boy from yesterday asks.

"Oh, uh, sure."

"How do keep calm in situations like what happened at Amity? Eaton was surrounded; you had nowhere else to go. You just walked into this . . . unbelievably scary situation like it was nothing."

"Well, if you ask my husband, he would tell you its because I'm an idiot. I don't tend to think too much in those situations, which isn't really a good thing. I saw him in there surrounded by . . . I didn't think. I reacted."

Everyone nods, taking in my words slowly. I suppose I could have some advice for young officers, but I don't know if I really want to relive those memories too often.

"Time for some target practice. If everyone can manage to hit the center of the target with a whole round before lunch, we'll move to the concourse this afternoon," Hector announces, with a little too much glee.

"Concourse?" I mutter to myself. There was never a training course when I was here.

"Oh, you'll love it," Hector grins.

All of the trainees carefully approach the weapons before them, feeling the weight of the metal in their hands for the first time. I pick up my own weapon, quickly checking to make sure it's loaded.

Hector talks to everyone as they approach the targets, and instructs them on the proper stance and hold on the weapons. I head to the last target in the row, but I freeze when I take aim.

My memories threaten to overwhelm me, all of the times I aimed my gun at someone run through my mind . . . all of the times someone else aimed their weapon at me. The trainees start to shoot and the constant bang of the bullets leaving the chamber make my head explode. My breath starts to come too fast and my eyes start to blur.

This is too much.

The gun falls from my hand as I begin to back away from the sound of the guns. Too much, too much, too much.

I am at the door, swinging it open before anyone can stop me. Right outside the door, however, I run into someone. Their arms grab me, and the shout words at me that my brain is too full to understand.

"Tris! Tris, it's okay," Zeke shouts at me.

Zeke pulls me into a door off the hall. My breathing escalates and my entire body begins to shake.

"I can't – I can't do this again," I manage to spit out.

"Yes, you can. You have to," Zeke says simply.

I look at him, confused by his statement. "You're the bravest person I know, Tris. Before you where pushed into the war, you had no other option but to do those things. This time we can prepare more. We can prepare so we can try to avoid all of the horrible parts, and just stop whoever is trying to threaten the city again. If you really don't want to do this, I'm sure Tobias will understand, but don't quit because you don't think you can do it. Because despite all of the fucked up memories you have I know, when push comes to shove, you could do it all again to save the ones you love."

My mind wanders to Tobias, seeing him playing with Drew in the park, waking up next to him every morning, and seeing his face light up when he held his son for the first time.

You could do it all again to save the ones you love.

I take a deep breath, and nod at Zeke before storming out of the room.

The training room is still full of the trainees; many of them look toward me as I enter again abruptly. I ignore them and pick up my discarded gun and quickly empty the bullets into the target across from me. The relief is instant once the last bullet leaves the gun.

I can do this.

I walk with the two trainees that seem fascinated with me to the dining hall in the afternoon. I now know the boy with the light hair and dark eyes is named Blake, and the girl with the dark hair and sweet face is named Marie.

As we enter the dining hall I can feel multiple pairs of eyes on me, but I do my best to ignore them. I've gotten plenty of stares in the years following the war. People between factions started talking, and stories started spreading about how we got to where we were. While some of the stories were true, some were completely fabricated.

Blake, Marie, and I sit at the end of a table, somewhat secluded from the other groups around us. I sit with my back to the corner of the room, keeping an eye on everyone around me.

"So Tris, er, Mrs. Eaton – " Blake flusters over his words.

"You can call me Tris," I laugh. Whenever anyone says Mrs. Eaton I think of Evelyn. The thought of her makes my laughter die quickly.

Blake smiles and continues. "What's it like being back here?"

"Odd. I haven't had to do any of this stuff in a long time, but it's kind of . . . comforting to be doing it again if that makes any sense," I shrug.

"I heard we had our famous Stiff back, but I had to come see for myself," Peter appears before us, and sits directly across from me. The sight of him makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"I hear you're causing all kinds of trouble again, Tris. Can't say I'm surprised."

"Leave, Peter."

"I don't think I will. You're not anything here anymore, Tris. I don't know why you would leave that precious baby of yours alone to come – "

Before Peter can finish his sentence my fist connects with his nose. Then I grab the hair on the back of his head roughly and slam his head into the metal table. I stand and lean over him, my head next to his ear.

"If you ever come near me or my family again I will kill you. You deserved to be executed for your crimes in the war. You won't get another chance at redemption."

When I let go of him he slumps to the ground. I can't find it in me to care, though. It is when I look up and see that every single pair of eyes in the room are staring at me that I start to regret my actions.

Outbursts like this were normal in Dauntless and no one thought twice about them. I never spent much time in this compound after the factions were dissolved, but being back here has me feeling like I'm back here fifteen years ago. I feel as though the past fifteen years haven't happened and the room is filled with my fellow Dauntless members and not people who have grown up without that mindset.

My eyes catch the familiar deep blue of my husbands at the entrance of the dining hall, but they are not full of comfort or humor.

"Fuck," I curse under my breath.

"Please come with us, ma'am," an on-duty officer grabs my arm and I willingly follow his direction. He takes me to where Tobias is standing with Zeke.

"Man, don't you miss the days when you could just beat the shit out of someone in the hall because they pissed you off?" Zeke reminisces, smiling at me as the officer leaves me with them.

"Sorry about that," I mumble, uncomfortable with the intense glare I am receiving from Tobias. I hope he hasn't talked to Caleb.

"We need to talk," he says, grabbing my arm, not hand, and leading me away from a laughing Zeke. At least I know he isn't mad at me for my outburst.

Tobias leads me to the silent training room and slams the door closed behind us. I stand before him, arms crossed over my chest, and wait for his inquisition.

"Where did you go this morning?"

"Did you see my note? I got here early to – "

"Where did you go this morning, Tris?"

My knot of guilt has returned in full force, but this is not a conversation I want to have here. I know the trainees will be back here soon and it will take more than a few minutes to explain my reasoning to Tobias.

"Can we talk about this tonight?"

Tobias lets out an exasperated grunt and angrily runs his hands through his hair, pacing the room. "Don't start this again, Tris. Don't do any of that self-sacrificing crap."

"I'm not. You think I would willingly leave you and Drew?" I ask, my anger taking over.

"Where did you go?" Tobias shouts at the same time the door opens and Hector sticks his head in. I can hear the mumble of the trainees behind him.

"Um, should we give you guys a minute?"

"Yes."

"No." Tobias and I answer at the same time.

"We'll talk about it when I get home, Tobias," I say firmly. He knows better than to push the subject now that we're not alone.

I can't handle the look of hurt and disappointment he gives me as he leaves, but I also can't look away from it.

Tobias pushes his way out of the room, shoving a few of the trainees a little too roughly out of his way. He is every bit the Dauntless instructor he used to be in that moment.

"Man, that guy is scary," I hear someone mumble.

I sigh and run my fingers through my too-long hair, a trait I just realize that I have picked up from Tobias.

"I need to shoot something."

I get home purposely late. After out blowout in the training room I have no idea how Tobias is going to react to my idea. I try my best to be calm as I enter our home, but I know my temper will get the best of me if he starts yelling again.

I can hear Tobias in the shower, so I stop by Drew's room to see him for a few minutes. I haven't seen him all day, and it hurts to think that, for the time being, I wont be able to see him much with my training. I can't afford to not be prepared, though. This is as much for his safety as it is mine.

I can't avoid Tobias any longer so I head into our room. The shower is still running so I head into the bathroom. I disrobe quickly and join Tobias in the shower.

His back is to me and his hands are pressed into the tile while his head is hung under the water. I wrap my arms around his waist, but he flinches at the contact.

"I went to talk to Caleb. I want to go through my fear landscape, and I want him to come up with the strongest simulation he can. What if – what if my divergence has weakened? What if it's stronger? If these people are here because of me, or any other divergent, I want to know everything I can about being Divergent."

I can hear Tobias swallow thickly, taking in my explanation. I can almost hear the wheels turning in his head.

"You want to put yourself through that again? The simulations . . . the fear landscapes . . . its everything we fought to get rid of, Tris."

"I have to know. If being Divergent is so rare, what is it about it that makes people want me? Maybe we can figure it out."

"So you're offering yourself up as a test subject?" Tobias turns around to face me, his eyes narrowed on mine.

"No, I just – " Tobias' lips collide with mine harshly before I can finish.

His hands begin to roam my entire body, caressing and squeezing, sometimes harsher than usual. I don't mind, though. My back slams against the cold tile and his hands grip my thighs firmly, hoisting them up around his naked hips.

"Tobias, we – "

"No. I just need – " he shakes whatever thought intruded his mind and his lips crash against mine again.

We don't talk for the rest of the shower.

As pleasurable as our shower was, none of our issues have been solved. I sit on the corner of our bed, my hair dripping down my shoulders in one of Tobias' baggy sweatshirts, watching him get ready for bed.

His body may be relaxed from our shower, but I can tell his mind is nowhere near as calm. It makes my stomach hurt to know that I'm the cause of his worry.

"I understand where you're coming from," I say quietly. Tobias makes no move to acknowledge my words though. "I don't want to do this. The thought of going through another simulation or my fear landscape . . . it makes me nauseous. But do you get where I'm coming from? If whoever has gotten through the fence is after the divergent, shouldn't we know why they want them? Why did Jeanine care so much? This has to be bigger than keeping the faction system in place if it is still happening.

"If Jeanine tested everyone before . . . if I'm still the strongest divergent in the city we have to see what that really means."

Tobias continues to ignore me. He grabs his pillow off of the bed, and takes a blanket out of the closet. He doesn't go out to sleep on the comfortable couch in the living room, or even retreat to Drew's room. He simply sits on the floor, on the side of the bed closest to where I usually sleep, and makes a spot for himself there.

Because even when he's so mad at me he doesn't want to sleep next to me, he would never leave me alone at night. Not when all of the demons we've faced tend to come attack me in my sleep.

A/N: Another chapter down. I'd love to know what you think. – DR13