CHAPTER 12

My mother use to tell me, that if I wanted to be something, I should always look up and try my hardest. She forgot to tell me how blinding the sun can be. And how you can't see a thing until you've seen the darkest. Where all is revealed.

I blushed so much after our five hour long kiss finally ended. He didn't say a word. And I watched the sun set. And although the wind made the air freezing cold, I was burning up. See, a certain feeling filled me when we kissed. Something so strong and so impressive, I knew I couldn't deny it. And this hurts. Because only the Joker can make me feel this way. I have no idea and why or how this happened. But it did. And now, I can't run away. Because, I won't.

When you look to the sun, you can not see the shadows.

My mother is so foolish. She said, "You don't fall in love, you find it and keep it." But I think I fell. And I fell hard. Because if I had a choice, I would not have let it happen this way.

Gotham city seemed both beautiful and ugly at the same time. No joke. I know it's hard to understand, but it does. The light captivates the city's most beautiful features. Like the old buildings and the gargoyles among them. And the forest stretching around the entire city. And the river far in the distance, gleaming and shimmering a tune of its own.

And then all of the ugly parts, too. Are seen in broad daylight. The truth.

We stood there in silence. It was awkward. There was no laughter or no sinister screaming. Just complete silence. And we watched as the city grew darker and darker. Until the last rays of sunshine disappeared behind the horizon. Even then, we stood there. In darkness and complete silence. I looked down at the now dark hole in front of me. I couldn't see the rocks. I felt like jumping. I felt like flying. I felt so much like a whole different person. And for once, I wasn't so lost. I guess because now, I knew the truth. No matter how ugly it was.

"I'm afraid of the dark," I said. I'm not sure why either. Like the Joker needs to know what really scares me. I heard him laugh. And was oddly thankful it wasn't quiet anymore. I could here crickets chirping now. Like they waited for the silence to be broken too. "You should be," he added, which sent me cold chills. I shivered. It really was quite freezing out. And I just now realized how dark everything was. And I didn't know where the Joker was. I heard him laughing from behind me though. I turned around quickly, and a hand grasped my shoulder, pushing me backwards. While another hand held a knife to my throat. I could barely make out the Joker's figure in front of me. I was concentrating too hard on the fact that my foot was barely hanging on to the ledge.

"Right now, I could push you and you'd be dead." He laughed. I gulped in fear, and was actually wondering if I was going to die. His breathing was uneasy. I could hear it. He was breathing hard. "Then just do it," I said, quietly. I was testing him now. If I did fall at least I'd be flying. Sorta. He snorted, "I would." He pushed a little harder, his hand grasped harder on to my shirt, and my foot unsteadily lost balance. I began slipping, and wildly reached out to the Joker. He laughed, and I finally caught my footing again. This pissed me off. "Then why the hell won't you just do it already!" I screamed. "Because I can't!" He screamed back. And threw me to the ground in front of him. I crawled aimlessly to where I thought was away from the edge.

I sat, in complete silence. The darkness was getting quite annoying. Only a few stars were shining through the clouds that covered the sky. And the moon was hidden somewhere. The darkness played tricks on my eyes. I thought I seen things move and everything was fuzzy. I sighed aloud. And then the Joker broke the silence. "This isn't what I wanted," he said. As if the truth was finally coming out. "And you think I wanted this?" I screamed. I think I heard an echo. He laughed, "We should go home Emma." He couldn't see me, or maybe he could, but I winced. I could never call his hide out home. "I'd rather fall from this edge and eat dirt," I said, nonchalantly. He laughed again, "Your voice amuses me!" He was now visible in front of me. I could just see his outline. "I'm serious." "I know you are." He said, just as fierce as I was. I then seen him old out his hand. "Come now my pet." He laughed and the collar on my neck became suddenly suffocating.

I shook my head. "Emma, don't make this hard. I really don't want to hurt you." His voice was that of a child's. I could here the enjoyment. "You'll probably throw me, like a rag doll," I spat. He chuckled, "No I won't. I promise!" His laughter was growing very annoying. "Please Emma," he begged. And an image of him giving me puppy eyes made me laugh. "What's so funny?" he asked. "Nothing," I said. I reached in front of me for his hand. And, like he promised, he lifted me from the ground. And towards him. "I love you Emma!" He screeched with enjoyment and turned to lead us back to his van.

I am so confused. I can't explain it any better. This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't feel this way. No one should feel this, not when it involves the Joker. Time to deny. I pushed all thoughts and feelings away, into this little drawer and locked them up. I'll dig through them later. The whole car ride back was quite intense. It was very quiet. More quiet than before. And very dark. He didn't bother to use his headlights. Twice we nearly wrecked into a guard rail. And I think we hit a squirrel. Or a possum, I can't be exact. I kept thinking this ride would never end, but I soon seen the lights from his hide out as we approached. "Damn it," I heard the Joker mutter. I turned to look at him. He was staring straight ahead. He hit the breaks suddenly and turned the engine off.

I seen Alexa prance out from the building and head over to me. "I thought you were a goner!" Shouted Alexa. She was hammered. So drunk she couldn't even walk straight. She drooped her arm over my shoulders. "Were having fun tonight!" She shrieked in my ear, and began laughing her high-pitched laugh. I walked a few steps with her, trying to steady her so she wouldn't fall. And then I stopped, when suddenly Alexa was pulled backwards. She crashed on to the ground. Dust floated around her. She giggled by me feet. "Wha…. What just happened?" She struggled to say between laughs. "You fell," I lied. The Joker stood furiously behind her. Alexa sat up and dusted off her jeans, still laughing. "What the hell are you doing," the Joker asked calmly. "Having some fun!" She laughed out loud. The Joker sighed. He stared down at the back of Alexa's head.

"This is no time for fun, Alexa! The lights are always out at night!" He screamed back. I watched the Joker scan the ground around him. He eyed a log and picked it up. Before I had the chance to say anything, he struck the back of Alexa's head and she fell forward. I eyed him viciously. "What the hell Joker!" I shouted. I bent over and grabbed Alexa's arm. She was knocked out for sure. I used my strength to lift her, and wrap her arm around my neck. I lifted her limp body from the ground. "She knows," the Joker muttered. And then he walked ahead of me. I struggled to carry Alexa's form across the grass. She was heavier than she looked. And when I finally reached the door I fell. I laid Alexa in my lap and sat up against the door. No one was in the garage. It was just me. And unconscious Alexa. The garage lights were on though. And the place felt cozy from the lights.

I began humming. I sat up against the door peacefully. With little Alexi in my lap. I stroked her hair mindlessly and hummed a tune I fell in love with not too long ago. I guess you could say I was waiting. I really didn't want to carry Alexi any further. And I knew someone would come. And I realized how tired I was. I didn't sleep much at all last night. And today, well lets just say today's been a very long day. I hummed and then my humming became very quiet. And I felt my eyelids drooping. Alexi's hair was soft. I was surprised she lived through that jump. I laughed quietly to myself. No, Alexa is going to regret she ever looked so weak in front of me. Drunk is the worst possible situation to be in. But at least when she was weak. She was little Alexi. I liked her better when she was nice. When she was weaker. That's probably why I had a soft spot for her. I knew the real her behind her tough exterior. The little girl she really was before everything she loved was destroyed. My eyes were very heavy now.

Who ever knew you could fall asleep against a hard, wooden door, on a cold cement floor.

I think I was in a trance. Just barely awake to see what's going on. But not yet awake enough to know what's going on. I could see the Joker's face. And I could see the ceiling inside the stairwell. My eyes were closing again. And then I felt the difference from the hard arms that were beneath me and the soft mattress that held me. And then I was certain I fell asleep.

Then I woke up. At night. Pitch black darkness still. And I was very tired. But something woke me up. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I realized that the moon was now visible and was casting a ray of light through the window. And now I realized my little dream I had. The Joker finally came back and took me to bed. He didn't even wake me. And now I laid in bed, next to him. He was asleep and it was the glass on the night stand next to me that woke me up. It had fallen over and water, there was no alcoholic smell to it, had spilled all over my side of the bed, drenching my right arm sleeve and a part of the back. I was too tired to really do anything about it, so I slowly took off the hoodie I was now wearing. Wait. When did I put this on? It seemed all of my body heat was inside that small sweatshirt. I was cold now. Still in my short sleeved shirt I had worn to dinner two nights ago. A shower would be pleasant.

I sighed and rolled slightly away from the water. And was now even closer to the Joker. I thanked my lucky stars he didn't wake. I stared at his face for a moment. Making sure he wasn't awake, and just playing games with me. And I noticed it. He looked quite peaceful when he was sleeping, and the face of that young boy so many years ago was there. I sighed. I don't know why he chose to kill people because of his childhood, but I do know this. He isn't all that bad. Or at least he can't be. Not if I'm still alive.

I shut my eyes. Enough with all of this bogus crap. It's time to go to bed. I'm not thinking clearly.

"What a wonderful day," I heard an unfamiliar voice say. Her musical voice like bells when she talked, "And to think it was suppose to rain all day!" Her laughter was angelic. My eyes peeped open at curiosity. A small girl was standing at my window. She had long, sandy blonde hair that when to her hips. She was short, but it seemed she was strong too. She spun around, her hair whipping around her. I caught my breath when I seen how gorgeous she was. Her blue eyes were… blue! Not the dull grey color that comes with age, but pure baby blue. And her cheekbones were high, making her look more distinguished. And pink, too. She looked like a porcelain doll. The one you never take out of the package because she's worth so much untouched. And she wore an adorable pink sun dress that fit her perfectly and brought out the tan she had.

But she didn't look so happy. Her eyebrows furrowed when she saw me. "Wait? You're not Alexa!" She said. Giving me an all up and down look over as I sat up in bed. "No, I'm not," I said. She huffed when I agreed and crossed her dainty arms across her chest. I was definitely comparing her to me. "Then who are you?" She questioned. Leaning on one leg, she watched me intently. "Emma," I said, perfectly calm. She gave me a smug look, "Emma!" She snorted and turned her heels on me to face the window. "Where's my big sister?" She asked. So this little beauty was Alexa's sister? They looked nothing alike. "I'm not sure. Did you check downstairs?" I asked. "As if I'd go downstairs by myself. This is Alexa's room you know! She'll be furious when she finds out you're sleeping here." I couldn't see her face, but I had a feeling she was smirking.

"She was, at first. But it's been a while now. She's not brain washed you know," I said. She turned to face me now, her pretty angel's face had suddenly turned demonic. "You stole Alexa's place!" I gave her a grim look, "Like I wanted to!" I yelled back. She didn't say a word. And finally, curiosity got the best of me. "Why are you here anyways?" I asked. Her gaze connected with mine. "Why else? To see my sister, duh!" she snapped. "Yes, but don't you know you're in danger coming here." She rolled her eyes at me. "The Joker wouldn't touch a hair on my pretty head!" Wow, she was something else. "What makes you so sure?" I questioned. "Alexa won't let him," She said. She walked to the other side of the room and sat at the white desk inn its corner.

"Do you come here often?" I asked. "Every August 17th," she said. I looked away from her and down at the bed sheets. It's Dad's birthday. I hate to know its ruined because of me. That he won't enjoy himself today because of me. I sighed. "She won't let me bring Mikey," she said, breaking me from my thoughts, "She won't even let me bring pictures! He's almost 6 years old! And he's grown so much." I looked up at her and saw the hurt and loss in her eyes. She was tough. Just like Alexa. But she had that obvious soft spot. "What's your name?" I asked, trying to break away from this conversation that had started. "Charity." She said. I noticed that now, since I wasn't Alexa, her voice wasn't so joyful anymore. It was still musical, but it had venom. "I lost Alexa when I was twelve." She said, not seeming to be talking to anyone. "It's been 6 years. You know she missed my 18th birthday! She yelled, finally looking at me like this was my fault. "I'm sorry," I said. "I truly am. But I'm sure Alexa feels horrible about not being there." "Of course she does!" She yelled back, "What do ya think she is, a monster?" "No, sorry…"

She was up and out of her chair. And her hand wrapped around the doorknob. "Help me find her. This is our day!" She snapped. I slowly climbed out of bed. I didn't no where anyone was or whether or not they were here. But I was tired of Charity's demanding voice already. I walked over to the door way but she didn't move. "Would you like to see Mikey?" she asked. Her angelic voice was all calm and peaceful. "I never told Alexa this but when she left, Mother literally died. I mean she's still alive, but she can't look at Mikey. She got rid of all of Alexa's stuff. It's like she's trying to forget she's ever had her. So I've kind of been the one to raise little Mikey. It's been hard." I could hear her voice on the edge of tears. Her hand was in her pocket, already pulling out his picture. "Sure," I said. And then she lifted the picture. I was amazed at how much Mikey looked like Alexa. Same eyes, same face, same pouty expression. Except Mikey had brown hair. But he was adorable. I don't think it's possible for one kid to be so cute. He was holding a red fire truck, looking up innocently at the camera. Spilled orange juice was on the kitchen tiles and stained his shirt. He was wearing green overalls and underneath a red plaid sweater. Their resemblance was remarkable.

"This must be hard for you," I said. Already knowing that it was. She nodded her head and refused to look over at me. "He looks so much like her." "I know!" She said, fiercely, "I have to see her. Help me find her now!" She stepped into the hallway. My first guess was she was downstairs on the second floor. Like always. Charity followed behind me as I led her down the hallway and back down the stairs. I opened the door and we headed down the second floor hall. Then, about ten rooms later, we reached what I thought was Alexa's room. Or her hang out. Or whatever. I opened the door and found myself to be correct. The moment Charity set eyes on her sister, she skipped into the room. She was putting up a tough front for Alexa. It took Alexa a moment to realize it was her. She was dressed in black pajama pants and a dark green hoodie. Bed head of course, and it was obvious she had just woken up. And had a major hangover. And then I noticed the Joker, off in one of the rooms, mumbling to one of his henchmen. But my attention was rather turned towards the now jumping Alexa.

"CHARITY!" She screamed, already her arms around her sister's neck. The both embraced in a hug so intense, I wasn't sure I should watch. They needed their own time, like Charity had said. Charity looked back at me, rather smugly, and then turned back to Alexa, "I'm sorry your place is taken. We should get food! Chinese? Mexican? What ya want Alexa?" Alexa kept at staring at me. I don't know why. She was looking at me, that was certain and she seemed at ease. And then she looked at her sister, "Charity, please don't knock Emma down. She's very sweet. And she's helped me more than she'll ever know." Charity seemed as shocked as I did. I didn't know Alexa cared so much. And I'm guessing by the look on Charity's face, neither did she. But Alexa turned and smiled at Charity, "Chinese sounds great," then to me, "Would ya like to come?" I looked between Charity and Alexa. This was their day. Not mine. Even though I'd like nothing more than to come. "No thanks. You two have fun," I said. Alexa looked at me for a second and then turned away, "Well I have to get dressed!"

After they left, I really didn't know what to do. I sat on the black couch and stared at the muted television screen. Poor little Alexi and her headache. I smiled. What a happy but small family reunion. I don't think I've ever seen Alexa this happy. Except when she told me about Daniel and Mikey. There was true love in her eyes then. So I sat there. Pondering my own life. No one will come to visit me. Ally's always been a coward. Something's wrong with Mom and I don't think Dad could even look at me anymore. I really had nothing left in life. Except that icky feeling.

I noticed the difference as the couch moved. The Joker sat down next to me, and I could feel him staring. He was going to say something, he always did. And before I knew what I was saying, I had already said it. "That's nice of you to let Alexa see her sister." I wished I could've just thought it rather than had said it aloud. I was waiting for a cackle of laughter. Or for him to tell me how they'll both be dead by midnight. But neither of those things happen at all. "Everyone needs someone Emma," Except he did what I hated most of all, he made no sense, "Just like I need you."

I grunted and turned to face him. "I think my IQ dropped just listening to your bullshit," I said back to him. He smiled at my fury and pushed it further, "It's true, Emma. I need you more than I should need anything!" He laughed, probably at my expression, "Who do you need Emma?" He asked, with this thoughtful expression. He smiled when I didn't answer. "Just what I thought!" He laughed but abruptly stopped when he noticed me crying.

Why was I crying again?

"Stop it! That's not funny," he said. He was much more serious than ever. "You're so pathetic!"
And then I had a remark, which I thought was good at first, until I actually said it aloud, "I guess I can't handle the truth!"

Then I stopped crying. Shocked by my own voice. I admitted something I wanted to keep locked away in that little drawer of mine. The Joker smiled at me. He enjoyed the redness that flowed to my face. And the fear that struck my expression. And the fact that I couldn't even lie to myself. I was a bad liar. "I didn't say that!" I said, which sounded even worse. The Joker chuckled and I blushed harder. "I think I'll go now," I said, standing up from the couch. But he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down, "How about you stay?" He commanded rather than asked. And so I sat there. I felt very awkward and very embarrassed. I wish I could think before I speak.

"Joker and Emma. Has a ring doesn't it?" He said, shaking with laughter. I rejected this so called humor and shrunk away from him. He grabbed my hand. The one with the scar, and held on to it. Just in case I tried to leave.