Chapter 5!
Title: "Fractures and Insecurities"
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
….
"Shagura?"
My eyes opened a little.
My hearing was a little muffled, but I think I could hear my name.
Sunlight poured into my vision too harshly, my eyes cringed with the over-exposure.
Who was calling my name?
"Sakura?"
My hearing was clear again.
My vision slowly adjusted.
I looked right above me.
Orange.
Naruto.
"How are you feelin'?" He asked eagerly, hovering over me.
My eyes completely adjusted within a few seconds. I lifted my right arm to plant my hand against the tatami-matted ground, anchoring myself to sit up.
Nothing seemed to shift unpleasantly, I couldn't feel bones grinding together, or a sharp pain in my left side… but I was really, really, sore.
Naruto was crouching next to me, looking at me as if every little movement I made was some sort of test and he was judging whether I passed or failed.
I grimaced with pain.
I probably wasn't earning too good of grades. But I couldn't bring myself to care very much.
I stole a glance towards the window… the sunlight was amber and soft…
"How long was I out?" I asked.
"The whole day… the sun's about to set." Naruto explained.
Just a day?
It feels like I've been lying there for a week.
"Kakashi said that her bones have been set, but that they aren't completely healed. It'll take some time before they're as strong as they were before." Sai's voice lingered farther up above me and Naruto.
It sure felt like my bones weren't as stable as before.
"Where is he?" I asked immediately. Sai sounded as if Kakashi wasn't there anymore.
"After using so much chakra for the seal jutsu, he practically passed out." Naruto said a little more cheerfully, as if that was something of a joke. Then again, to Naruto, seeing someone pushed to the point of exhaustion for expending too much chakra must've been funny for Naruto, who had a lot to spare. But he couldn't have preformed the jutsu because we all know how inept he can be as precision control. Naruto's smile widened a little for a moment before he spoke up again. "He's right over there." Naruto pointed to a messy futon, halfway across the large room, filled with a sleeping Kakashi.
I looked over at him for a long moment.
I really wanted to thank him.
For the second time in a short period of time I was hit with the revelation that Kakashi-sensei was a lot more amazing than I thought he was.
That sounded bad, like I had thought he was weak or something. I mean, I've always known he was powerful, one of the most powerful in the village… but for a person with little to no medic training to heal broken bones so well in only one night… he was really, kind of amazing.
"You should lay back down, Sakura." Sai's voice gently interrupted my staring, calling me out of those strange thoughts.
I took his advice willingly, but felt a little lazy for doing so. I let the back of my head slowly find the pillow, my eyes glancing towards the other futn in the room for a moment again.
"Kakashi's ordered us to go out and collect reconnaissance information. Since the enemy knows so much about us from last night, we can't risk facing them in battle without knowing more about them." Sai elaborated monotonously.
Something told me he was actually repeating Kaksahi's words verbatim.
"How will you do that?" I asked. I didn't want to be completely left out of the mission.
"We're gonna track down the spy in the other family's clan and question him." Naruto continued with a grin, obviously looking forward to it.
"Okay." I finished. My voice was still a little shaky. "You guys go on ahead. I'll stay here and…" do nothing?
"You need to rest." Sai repeated. "But we should be back at least by nightfall. We'll report any details." He walked out of the room slowly, reciting that standard shinobi goodbye as if he's said it hundreds of times. That was the way he talked, so formal and professional. I guess ANBU does that to people.
But not Kakashi, I guess… he was always too casual. Like whenever he'd say my name (without the –san)…
"Bye, Sakura. Heal fast!" Naruto smiled a huge grin as he ran out of the room, waving excitedly.
Naruto could be a good friend.
I looked away from the door to the ceiling, pulling the covers up to my neck.
After a few seconds, I didn't even notice it, but my eyes just seemed to travel over to the other futon in the room and my thoughts seemed to follow the same direction.
I wondereif he was still going to suffer chakra-exhaustion side-effects when he wakes up.
Maybe I could help realign the chakra flow. I've been practicing that a lot lately.
Wait, I'm suffering from exhaustion, too. I probably won't be much help.
Maybe he'll be okay when he wakes up.
He is a lot stronger than I am… maybe he's used to being pushed to the limit like that.
Still… for him to push himself to the point of passing out… that's a little intense.
I never really realized how far he'll go for his students.
That last thought was supposed to be a nice one but it bothered me a little.
But it's true. He just cares a lot about his students, his subordinates. He'd do the exact same thing for Naruto and Sai.
It's not like I'm speci-
I stopped myself before I could finish that thought.
No, he was just trying to get our team back to normal.
I went and broke up our plans by getting injured.
He couldn't afford to have the only medic-nin bed-ridden with broken bones for the rest of the mission.
Suddenly I felt that I shouldn't just be thanking him, I should probably apologize, too.
…. …. …. …. ….. ….
He lay motionless, his eyes closed.
He was wide awake, and he really shouldn't be pretending to sleep, but he had woken up nearly an hour ago, and still didn't feel like dealing with anything but his own thoughts right now.
Last night had been a real scare for him.
This is why I never let myself fall for anyone…thisexact reason.
I get way too attached and then they always…
… I'm always left behind…
…
Well, even if she was only a student to me, I'd still feel like this… but if she was more I'd-
He tried to reason through what had happened, through the fact that he hadn't felt the kind of fear he felt last night in years.
He could feel his face harden, his brows furrow in stern concentration.
She was so serious, showed so little fear, and was quick to react, treating herself as if she was any other patient. Even the best of shinobi would've lost their edge in that situation and forgotten their own power.
She's really grown.
A moment of admiration softened his features against his better judgement.
"Ow…" A soft voice called out in pain for a split second, snapping Kakashi out of his thoughts.
Ah, she's up…
He still couldn't bring himself to 'wake up', too.
"Kakashi…Kakashi-sensei…" the same voice whispered his name little loudly.
He didn't respond.
He knew he should've. He should just say, 'Yes?', and let her say what she's going to say. He had been wanting to talk to her for a while now… but something was holding him back, a whim.
He lay motionless, his eyes closed.
Waiting.
Feeling childish. But not ashamed.
….. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. …..
He's still asleep.
I guess he really pushed it too far yesterday.
I laid back down, a little disappointed.
I really want to thank him.
He's done too much for me.
Even a medic-nin would have had trouble with my injuries… but he handled it so perfectly, and he's paying for it right now.
I hope he isn't upset with me.
I let down the team again.
Because of me, Naruto and Sai have to go out without any back up, while Kakashi, the leader, has to stay behind with me, the only medic-nin who got herself injured.
I stared at the ceiling fiercely recycling the thoughts from before again, unable to let them go.
I'm always messing things up!
When I was younger, I so absorbed with myself that I never noticed it…. And even though I at leastknow what I need to change now… I still can't change anything! I always fall back into old habits.
I'm still weak. And he had to pick up the pieces, he had to save me… again.
These thought plagued my mind over and over again for minutes.
That's it!
I couldn't take it anymore.
I made myself sit up, even though it really hurt.
I threw aside the futon covers, then paused as they fell to the mats with a little rustling noise.
I knew I couldn't stand just yet, so I scooted myself across the floor several feet until I was at an arm's length away from Kakashi's futon.
I reached his side, saw him laying there, unconscious, and my determination seemed to wash away…
…
What did I plan on doing, again?
…
I was so convinced that I had to come over here and say something… but he's asleep… I can't wake him up or it'll just interrupt his recovery… if I go back to my own futon, it'll be a waste of energy.
I guess… I should make the most of this…. Right?
I cleared my throat quietly, finding my weary voice.
"Um…" I started…
I stared at his covered face for a few moments…
His headband was off but his mask was, of course, still hiding 2/3rds of his face.
His expression was strange for a sleeping person.
His eyes seemed to be… angry?... upset?... no. In pain.
That technique must've really gotten the better of him.
A pang of guilt turned my sore stomach over.
His hair was a little messy, like he had rolled around a little in his sleep. I kind of wanted to reach out for a moment, comb it out… but that was weird, right?
Yeah… I really couldn't do that.
I felt a little awkward for a second, sitting there in silence, as if waiting for something to happen. I stared at my knees for a moment, feeling a little weird for staring at his face for so long. I tried to think about why I was over here.
To thank him…
But… he was asleep… so…
I could say whatever I wanted, and he wasn't going to respond or remember…
I didn't plan on saying anything really; I just let my mouth run away with me.
"… Kakashi-sensei…"
Everything was quiet. Like I somehow expected him to respond or something.
"Kakashi-sensei…" I said again with a little more determination, building up my confidence.
I never noticed how much I liked saying that name… that's probably weird, too….
"I guess I don't have to always add 'sensei' to your name, right?..." I started randomly. "Even though we were your students, we're your equals now too, like you said…"
I stopped for a second.
I can say whatever I want… I reminded myself firmly.
"…. but I could never accept that."
My hands curled into weak fists on my knees as I had to look away from his face.
"You were always so much stronger, smarter, older, cooler… You were-are everything we aspire to be…. Everything I wanted to live up to…."
I paused.
"I've really tried to earn your praise… Every time I'm around you I feel like such a child. Like I haven't changed at all during these years. But that only makes me want to try harder, to push myself. To try and prove myself…"
Even if he was asleep, I still couldn't look him in the face while saying these embarrassing things that I had only thought to myself about.
"Naruto has come a long way hasn't he?... He probably will make a great Hokage someday…. And Sa-sasuke" I stuttered at the name. "…has also gotten really, really strong, too."
Another pause.
"I still haven't done much… I always get in the way… I always get hurt and have to be saved… And even though Lady Tsunade took time to train me, I still can't seem to catch up with everyone… and now you're going through pain for me…"
I looked out the window. Saying this out loud really… helped.
"… I'm sorry." I said finally.
Jeez, things got depressing so fast.
"I had come over here wanting to say thanks, but I ended up apologizing…" I added with a little breathy chuckle that rumbled my ribs a little. "Thank you, Kakashi… sensei." I finished, about ready to turn around and scoot back to my futon till I was interrupted.
"You're welcome."
. . .
WHAT?
….. ….. ….. ….. … … … ….. … .. .. … …
He couldn't keep his eyes closed anymore.
He couldn't leave the one-sided conversation at that.
He couldn't let her keep all of those worries on her shoulders alone.
"Your welcome." He said softly, sitting up slowly as she just sat there, her back to him.
She looked pretty frozen with embarrassment. He swore he could see the side of her cheek turn pink.
He tried to hold back a chuckle at how cute that was.
He could've handled this with more tact, but he was secretly a little spiteful for when she said he was "so much older"… he wasn't that old.
But he couldn't control the happiness he felt over some of the other things she admitted.
"EEEEeeeeeehhhhhhhh!" She nearly shrieked. Had her chest not been so sore he knew that she would've screamed much louder.
Her voice was definitely louder than it should've been, but it was only a whisper-yell.
He couldn't stop the laughter when he saw her turn around, her face bright red.
… …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. …. …. ….
"You were awake?" I asked with a frantic voice that vibrated my rib cage uncomfortably.
He didn't say anything, he only laughed softly.
I had always loved his smile (or what I could see of it) but right now it was pissing me off.
"When did you wake up… How much did you hear?" I asked, trying to keep my voice a little calmer, god knows I didn't need to cause injury to myself right now, throwing a fit.
His laughter faded out.
"Since 'Umm….'" He said playfully.
He had heard the whole. entire. thing.
"Why didn't you open your eyes or something?" I exploded.
"Was it wrong for me to hear that?" He asked, ignoring my rather important question, feigning innocence. My admiration for him was diminished a little.
He can really be like a kid sometimes!
Even though I was looking at my teacher of four years straight in the face, his eyes on mine looking at me a little belittlingly, I still felt like wasn't the same-old Kakashi-sensei right now. He was more of an equal… a really childish equal right now.
He spoke up again just as I managed to jump the hurdle of realizing that Kakashi wasn't talking to me as a teacher right now.
"Didn't you come over here to talk to me?" He pointed out slyly. "And I listened." His tone was calming down, getting cooler, more serious. I wasn't calming down a bit.
"Well, I wouldn't have said what I just did if you were awake!" I pointed back at him trying to throw off the undeniable logic he had just pointed out.
"Why not?" His voice shocked some of the frustration from me.
He suddenly got serious. He wasn't upset or anything, but the way he asked that question sounded like he really wanted an answer. He leaned a little closer. I suddenly felt a little stage-fright in front of him.
"Well…" I faltered for a second. "It's normal, right?… Aren't there things that you would talk about if I was asleep, but not when I'm awake?" I asked without knowing it was true or not, hoping it was just to prove myself right.
He went silent.
He heaved a sigh and looked down to his covered lap, forgetting his previous childish mood.
Huh?
Did I say something wrong?
I know we were kind of having a little fight (which was really new to me… we'd usually only exchange small sentences of greetings or orders, it seemed that if we ever spoke, it was only about a mission… we'd never had a real conversation ... it was really strange how people who've learned almost everything about each other could never really talk.…), but I didn't want to hurt him or anything. Well, I didn't know how that could've hurt him, but I didn't like that slightly pained face he had right now.
"You're right." He sounded defeated. "I invaded your privacy, didn't I?" He asked/stated.
I didn't say anything… he was right…. But some part of me felt a little guilty now. I didn't know why.
There was nothing I could add to that.
I turned around to go back to my own futon… I needed some serious sleep to get this off my mind, but in my eagerness I turned around too quickly.
Something cracked.
A sharp twinge of pain coursed through my side.
GREAT!
I justhadto act like a complete retard and hurt myself so stupidly!
I let out a tense sigh of pain and anger.
Before I could even speak up I heard Kakashi-sensei throw off the covers.
A pair of hands found my arms.
I was being gently lifted up and taken to the side of the room. My feet dragged behind me. The stretching on my arms still hurt my side, but it was the best way to move me. I was only shocked for a moment until I realized he was trying to help me.
"Sounds like one of your ribs fractured again." He set me down, my back leaning against the wall.
His voice sounded so understanding, like it was the most natural thing in the world to injure yourself because you were being too childish.
He can be such a kid sometimes, but right now…
I found my admiration for him resurrected quicker than I liked.
Despite all this, I still felt like an idiot.
….. …. ….. …. …. ….. ….. …. …. … ….. …. …. ….. …..
If I hadn't had upset her, she wouldn't have forgotten about her injuries.
If I had done a better job patching her up, this wouldn't have happened either.
His nerves were fraying little by little as he scooted her across the room.
As his hands clutched her arms, he felt like someone like him shouldn't be touching her.
He propped her up against the wall for support.
He dreaded asking her the next question he knew would pop up sooner or later if he was going to have to heal that rib.
… …. …. …. …. ….. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. … ….. …. ….
He kneeled down next to me quietly.
Looking at my side in which the rib had re-fractured. Even though it was hard to read his face, he seemed to be a little worried.
I suddenly felt bad for scolding him.
Nothing like a fractured rib to break the awkward silence after a fight.
"I guess I should fix this." I lifted my arms to the rib I felt was a little wobbly, steadying my chakra points. Nothing happened.
What?
I tried focusing my chakra again, just the way Lady Tsunade had taught me. Just the way I'd healed the fish I first trained on for this minor technique.
But nothing happened.
"It won't work." He spoke up. He was on one knee next to me, staring intently at my hands. "Last night, Naruto, Sai, and I discovered that your chakra flow had been disturbed."
"Disturbed?"
"Like most your chakra had suddenly gone missing, a near-fatal amount was missing… you should regain a moderate amount of it back before the morning." He explained seriously as I sat there in confusion.
"Then do I just sit here and wait?" I asked incredulously. Fractured ribs really, really, hurt!
"I've regained enough chakra to do this. But it'll take a while, and it won't be painless." He explained.
"You studied medical jutsu?" I asked.
"After years on the battlefield with a Sharingan, I picked up a few tricks."
'Tricks'?... That was comforting.
"Ok, I don't mind how long it'll take, just as long as I'll be back on my feet to help finish this mission." I reasoned aloud.
After I gave permission, he didn't do anything for a moment.
His hesitation was strange.
"I can only perform contact-healing." He explained further after an awkward moment.
Contact-healing?
I searched my brain for the definition of those words…
It was a weak form of healing that beginners used, where they actually have to touch the wound on the body of the patient in order to ensure that the chakra floooow-…. Oh…..
My logic slowed to a halt with that.
"Oh…" My single thought came out in that syllable.
Silence… I could hear birds outside… my rib throbbed with every beat of my heart, which the intervals of were growing faster every moment.
He couldn't heal with fabric between his skin and mine…that meant…
"Ok, I'll just…" I trailed off as I reached up to the collar of my shirt.
My fingers slowly gripped the zipper.
Even though I was looking down, I could feel him staring at me.
Why was this so embarrassing?
Why was my face so hot?
Why couldn't I see this as it was?
He's an old friend, and a teacher… someone really responsible… seeing me like this wouldn't even faze him. He's probably had experience with grown women… Not 'probably'… of course he's been with women before …
Ok… why did that thought actually make me feel worse right now?
Whatever… it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. He's probably been in situations like this before. Plus, it's not unnatural or weird for him to have been with women before, he's a full-grown man…
The lady-servant's words came to mind with those last thoughts.
She would freak out so much if she saw this.
I tried to cheer up with the hilarity of that thought, but there was still something disturbing about imagining Kakashi with other women that wouldn't leave my mind alone. The mental image of him being with some faceless, matured woman was annoying. I mean I had never really thought abaout it before… but he was a person, too…. He has fallen in love before…
Even with that logical reinforcement I still didn't want to think about it.
"Sorry…" His voice woke me up from those thoughts that were probably getting too deep. I looked up; he was turned towards the doorway to my right.
I realized that I hadn't moved in a while, that I had been staring at my zipper… he must've picked up on how embarrassing it would've been to be me… taking off my shirt in front of him.
Now that he wasn't looking at me, it was a little easier.
….. ….. …. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. …..
His mind was practically blank.
This was Not how he pictured seeing Sakura like this…. Not that he had made any plans to see her like that anyways…
But a part of him really didn't want to turn away from her while the other side of him wanted to walk out that door and not tempt his other half.
But this was a matter of healing a fractured rib… that's it … he had to keep his head clear… and yet, he couldn't get her pink-flushed face out of his mind.