"Is there any particular reason why you decided that peanut butter cookies are going to taste yummy after eating chocolate covered strawberries?" Casey asked, gesturing to the tray of food Olivia had just carried into the bedroom.

"Well, who would have ever thought chocolate would taste good in coffee? And yet, they make chocolate coffee creamer, which is quite delicious, surprisingly."

Casey rolled her eyes playfully. "You know, if we were to sit here and list funky but delicious food combinations, we would probably be here all night. Like cheese and potatoes for example. I'm not much of a cheese person, you know that. But scalloped potatoes are amazing!" She smiled as she watched Olivia reclaim her spot on the bed. "Speaking of scalloped potatoes," she said, abruptly changing the subject without meaning to, "I didn't eat a single one when I was in California."

"How did you manage that one?" Olivia asked. "You've never been able to go a week without craving them, and you were gone for three years. That's a long time."

Casey shrugged. "I always liked your homemade ones the best, so I tried to avoid them to avoid thinking of you. Because whenever I allowed my mind to wander to thoughts of you, it always crashed into thoughts like 'Gee, I wonder who she's sleeping with right now' or 'Well, I hear Cabot is back. Olivia must be thrilled to death!'" Casey sighed quietly. "Of course those thoughts were the kind that refuse to leave your head once they are there, and the most emotional ones. So I did my best to avoid them, even though it never worked."

"You never told me what happened with your hearing with the Bar," Olivia said, reaching for a strawberry. "You had the hearing, came home, and said nothing. Then the results came while I was at work, I came home, and you were gone. In your place was that note on my pillow, which is still branded into my memory, I'll have you know."

Casey looked away. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I had to leave. The Bar decided that I would be censured for three years. Sure, it wasn't full disbarment, but it did prevent me from working. I couldn't stay in New York, Olivia. What was I supposed to do? Take a job as a bartender or some equally non-me thing? I'm a lawyer at heart, and no other career would make me as happy. The censure came, and I knew I had to get away. And so I went to Washington, but realized I hated it. Then I want to Oregon, again, hated it. Finally, I tried California, and the only reason I stayed there was because I actually managed to find a job I was actually semi interested in." She didn't elaborate on what that job was. She merely chose to continue, because she wasn't sure if she was ready for Olivia to know what she had been. "I know it's a random state, but there was no way in hell I was going to Texas or something like it. I need big cities, and where do people go when they need big cities? California or New York, nine times out of ten. Obviously the second one was not an option. Anyway, I know you don't understand why I left you behind, but it was out of shame more than anything. I lied to a judge, and I deserved the punishment I received, I knew that. But how could I stay in New York and see you every day, knowing I had completely fucked the case for the unit? I couldn't. I couldn't face you. But…if I could change the night I left, I would have stayed. If that counts for something."

"You didn't have to leave. You should have known that I would have helped you through it. I still loved you. And we all understood why you told Petrovsky the lab results were not ready yet. You did it so that a rapist would be put away. How could we hate you for that?"

Casey sighed. "Because I screwed the credibility of the entire unit, that's how," she replied, sounding more irritated than she meant to. "Think about it, Olivia. You say you understood, but can you really speak for everyone else? How many times, over the last three years, has somebody in that godforsaken unit at the very least alluded to the fact that Casey Novak lost her license after lying to a judge, thereby messing up the entire criminal justice system? How many?"

"A few," Olivia conceded. "Casey, where are you going with this?"

"I have no clue, alright?" Casey threw the covers off of her and sat up, reaching for her robe. "From what I hear, even my successor blamed me for the new ways warrants had to be retrieved. I get it, okay? I messed up! It's been three years but obviously nobody gives a damn about that, all they care about is that I got in trouble. I was trying to do the right thing! And for the record, I was NOT disbarred, I was censured! There's a difference!"

Olivia grabbed Casey's hand just as the redhead tried to stand up from the bed. "You're the only one here who is mad at you, honey. I was pissed as hell when I read that letter, but my heart was in pieces, what did you expect? But you know that? You're back now and that's all that matters to me."

Casey took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She felt bad for getting so worked up, but she had had enough of being made out to be something she wasn't. She would always feel guilty about what she did, but she also knew that one lie did not make someone a liar, anymore than one drink made someone a drunk. "I came back," she replied, "for you. I told you already, I was already packed when the phone call from my boss came. It just cemented my decision. Of course, when I got here, I chickened out three bazillion times every time I drove past the precinct. For all I knew, you had someone new, in work and in bed." Casey moved closer to Olivia and curled up next to her, laying her head on the older woman's chest. "I love you. And I'm sorry for leaving."

"I know you are," Olivia replied, looking down at her. "Just please promise me that you'll never do it again. I let you go last time because I thought you just needed space and that you would come home. But if you try leaving again, I will follow you and drag you home."

Knowing that Olivia was being both playful and deadly serious, Casey smiled. "Well, you don't have to worry about that, babe. Because I'm here to stay. My home is wherever you are."

"I wonder why everyone thinks you were disbarred," Olivia said suddenly.

Casey shrugged. "Because they can't get their facts straight, I guess. Or maybe they think censure and disbarment are the same, when in fact they are very different in terms of what they do to your career."

"What is the difference?"

"Being disbarred means you can't work in that jurisdiction. It's a permanent loss of license. If you want to be a lawyer, you have to retake the bar exam somewhere else and hope like hell that someone will hire you. In addition, if you are disbarred, it goes into your file and everyone can see what you did to be disbarred. Being censured, on the other hand, is a suspension of license, rather than being permanent. There is a private and public censure. Public censure, like disbarment, means that anyone who wants to can read up on you and see what you did to get yourself into trouble. Private censure means only those that need to know are aware of what happened. Censure is not exactly the same thing as suspension. It usually lasts longer than suspension. Mine was three years, which is the penalty for a Brady violation. I had a private censure, so I have no idea how the people who have found out did so."

Olivia didn't answer for a moment. Finally, she replied "Three years is a very long time."

"Feels like an eternity," Casey murmured. "Especially without the one you love. Then it becomes torture."