Chapter Seven ~ The Loss
Levi's Prov.
The rain quickly fell from the dark, foreboding sky, scalding my face as I watched her leave with Erwin by her side. My stomach churning like the sodden, muddy ground. My face contorted in pain as she looked back as us. Her cold glare like a knife to the chest as her (E/C) eyes lost all the sparkle of life. Her eyes now as dead and cold as the titans we had just faced. What was I to expect? I revoked my promise to her, and carelessly threw it in her face as I chased down a titan that we could have easily avoided. There was no longer anything binding her to her promise anymore.
I felt a pang in my chest as my heart fell. Her form now disappearing into the fog that was rolling off the trees. Furlan and Isabel both threw glares at me but I couldn't give a damn.
"Why did you say that?!" Isabel hissed, her emerald eyes practically glowing with anger as she steered her horse so she could face me head on.
I didn't say anything, I just kept my eyes trained on the place where she had been. There was no way of knowing now if she would stay alive or not. And now, how was I supposed to kill Erwin? Would I just have to leave it until the end of the day? Or would I have to kill him while she's with him?
"Come on, we need to join up with the rest of the squad," Flagon sighed, turning his harsh frown back onto us, "And this time, try and follow orders."
I squeezed my horse's sides and galloped off after the ratty brown haired squad leader, my eyes still wandering to the space she had occupied.
...
As we rode forward the rain fell harder, the fog grew thicker, making it harder for us to see what lay ahead of us. I could hear grunts and growls coming from all directions. I was tense in the saddle, my clothes soaked, my hood sticking to my face as I rode forward. Thick mud caked up the sides of my boots, my hands twitching with the need to clean it off, Well that is going to be a hard job later.
I glanced around me, Furlan and Isabel silent. The fog rolled in faster, shrouding the path, however I could still see what direction Erwin and (F/N) had ridden off into.
"I'm going after them, stay here!" I ordered over the howling wind.
Furlan and Isabel glanced back, their eyes wide as the pulled their horses to gallop alongside mine, "I thought we talked about this, we need to do this together."
I sighed and pointed to Flagon who was just out of earshot, "It would be too suspicious if we all broke formation at the same time," I growled, my eyebrows furrowing at the two of them, "Besides, I can use the bad weather to my advantage, I'll be in and out before anyone can see me."
Furlan considered this, his brows furrowing as he looked at the ground between us, "What about (F/N)?"
"What about her?" I snapped, my voice venomous, making Furlan jump and recoil back.
"What if she tries to stop you?"
He had a point. What if she did try and stop me? I sighed, scrubbing the rain water off my face as I stared at the bleak eyed man, "I will just have to lure her away, try and get her to go back to you guys."
Isabel sighed on the other side of me, her hair whipping around her, "I don't think that will work, she seemed pretty upset by what you said to her," she scowled, her eyes piercing through me. I groaned inwardly, you would think I had actually meant any of those things by the way she goes on at me. She's like a dog with a bone once she sinks her teeth into you.
"Look right now I don't care how I do it. I will lure her away, then I will kill that bastard!" I declared, shooting the pair of them with a sneer, my voice calling over the wind, "Now do as you're told and stay here!"
Furlan nodded and smiled, tilting his hand in a wave as I broke away from them, "We're with you Levi!" He agreed, cheering alongside Isabel. Tch... damn fools. The titans will easily know where to go with those two buffoons shouting their heads off.
"GO GET US THAT CITIZENSHIP BRO!" Isabel hollered, throwing her head back into a cackling laugh. It made me smile inwardly as they stayed on course, seeing them smile before they were swooped away by the shrouding fog.
My mind kept drawing back to (F/N). I just couldn't get her out of my head. How would she react when I killed Erwin? Would she scream out for me to stop? Would she try and fight me off? Would she try and kill me herself? Or would she be paralysed with fear and run away from me? All these questions formed and swirled in my head. I shook my head to free myself from the thoughts that plagued me. Her wounded face came into mind with I shouted at her this morning, and again when I told her she might have loved it if I had died. Why did I say that? I didn't want to hurt her but I couldn't help myself. I was so angry with her for saying we were nothing. My mind casting back to the rooftop that seemed like a lifetime ago. I wanted to feel her again, feel her soft lips against mine. To feel her shudder under my touch. But I knew with what I was about to do, there would be no coming back from that. There would be no way that I could have her, that I could call her mine. I would just have to make do with some other brat. But I could guarantee that no one would be like her.
I heard a rush of hoof beats to my right, heading in the direction I had just came from, but the fog impaired my vision to see who it was. All I could make out was the dark silhouette but I couldn't identify what it was. I shrugged, assuming it was one of the message relay soldiers from the Commanding squad. Something caught my horse's eye as he skidded to a halt and reared up in the air. Throwing his legs wildly in the air as I gripped onto his thick mane for added support, squeezing my eyes tightly shut as I hoped I wouldn't fall into the claylike mud. My hood flying up against my face as he landed on all four feet and began to weave nervously. His breaths coming in short sharp pants as he warily looked around him, something had frightened the poor creature.
I patted the frightened creature's neck and urged him to trot on. I glanced back from where I came from, my gut still churning. Something felt wrong. No, something was wrong!
I looked up into the sky but there were no plumes of smoke to indicate any change of course or any titans in the area. However I had a sinking feeling that something was happening, somewhere someone was fighting off a huge lumbering titan. My thoughts went to Furlan and Isabel, as I set off again. However in the few moments it took for my horse to have his hissy fit, I hadn't realised he had turned us around and into the opposite direction to Erwin.
I slowed the horse down, coming to a ledge. It was a small one but it was enough to see the carnage below. Bodies strewn everywhere. My eyes widened at the horrific scene in front of me, what the hell happened here?
A scout, lying at the base of a massive tree sent up a black flare, gasping for air.
"What happened here?" I called out to him, my eyebrows furrowing as I already drew up to the inevitable conclusion.
He raised his hand and pointed to my right, his breathing began to splutter as his lungs filled with blood, "Ti...tan..." He managed to say before falling to the ground, taking his final gasps before becoming forever still.
I surveyed the area around me, spotting giant, deep hand and foot prints in the sludgy mud. Water filling up the prints as it continued to pelt it down with rain.
"What? How did we pass each other?" I questioned, kicking my panicking horse into gear. My eyes widened slightly, maybe it was the silhouette I saw. Oh no, that was definitely a horse and rider, too small to be a titan.
The scene was horrific as I passed through, the number of body parts grew with each stride my horse took. Organs and blood leaking out of the fallen and seeping into the ground. There were even bodies in the trees, blood spattered across the bark, the clanking of their broken ODM gear whistled through the thick air as it swayed. I was caught by surprise when my horse slipped, his hoof landing on a battered hand, causing the clumsy animal to fall and land on his side, throwing me out of the saddle and straight into the watery ground. I groaned as I sat up, my back killing me as I tried to stretch and check if I was hurt anywhere else. Growling as my horse got to his feet and ran full pelt away from me, leaving me stranded. I pushed myself up onto my knees, about to call the animal back when I cast my eyes downward...
Her blood spattered features frozen in pain, fear stuck in her lifeless emerald eyes. Her head lying next to my knee, blood still pulsating slowly out of her arteries. Isabel...
My breathing came in short ragged gasps as I stared at her lifeless face. No, what have I done? Tears welled up in my eyes as I stared at her, how could this have happened? They were fine, they were okay when I left them. They can't be dead!
A massive body came into view as the swirling fog thinned slightly. It was on all fours, its back arched like a beast getting ready to launch at its prey. A dark mass of hair sprouted from its head, falling into shaggy, matted waves around its shoulders. It groaned and grunted as it chewed on a body. It turned its ugly head to look at me, bright red eyes leering at me as it crunched down on the soldier in its mouth, spitting out the torso that landed inches away from me. He skidded a little, a trail of intestines lying in his wake, his dead, petrified gaze landing on me, his lips frozen on some unspoken words. Furlan...
The titan raised its eyes to meet mine, a massive grin planted on its bloodstained lips as it growled. The fog swirled again in the wind, swathing around the titan until it was barely visible.
I quickly pulled my blades out and launched my grapples into its shoulder, not caring about wasting gas as I catapulted myself into the air. Slicing the pairing blades into its ugly face, hot blood spurting out as it screamed. It backed off, shaking it's head furiously as it searched for the cause of the pain. I flew down from the sky, my blades slashing through the air as I furiously began to cut the fucking beast apart. I screamed as each blade cut into the titan's flesh, blood spattering across my face, knotting in my hair. I was blinded by rage and grief over the loss of my friends, my family. The only people who had ever cared about me, and I wanted this bastard to suffer for it. Its screams and yelps intensified as I flew around its massive body, gouging out massive chunks of steaming flesh. The titan didn't know what to do as it reared up onto its knees, trying to make a failed grab for me as I ripped the beast's head from its shoulder. I howled as I watched the head bounce away in a flurry of blood and hair, its tongue laying on the ground as it came to rest just a little away from the treeline. I sneered as its hand tried to make a grab for me, cutting the hand to nothing, I rotated in a wheel of blades as I severed the arm and made the final cut at the nape, screaming as I landed next to her. The remains of the titan plummeted to the ground, swirling the air around me, my hair billowing around my face as it crashed with an almighty thud. Tears streamed down my face as I sobbed, kneeling on the ground, not giving a shit as the dark bloody mud seeped into my white trousers. I closed Isabel's eyes with quivering fingers, her face cold to the touch, the warmth had drained away, just like her life. I done the same with Furlan before standing in the middle of the two. My eyes wide as I tried to understand what had happened.
...
I don't know how long it had been before I heard faint shouts and cries in the background. I wanted to call out to them, tell them that I was here, that I needed help but I couldn't bring my voice to the surface. My voice getting stuck in my throat as I let out a strangled sob.
"...anyone out there!"
"... any survivors!"
"IS ANYONE OUT HERE!"
Hooves splashed through the sodden ground, swirling the rainwater and blood. The voices came closer but I couldn't move. My legs rooted to the spot.
"OVER THERE!"
The hoof beats came closer, splashing mud up my thighs as the once snowy white horse skidded to a halt. I no longer cared about such trivial things such as not being clean, I was nothing without Furlan or Isabel. I was nothing, nothing but a useless rat who should have died when I was a child. I should have died starving in my mothers dank house. I should have died next to her. Oh curse that bastard for finding me! Why did he save me? Why did he give me the skills to live? Why couldn't I return those skills onto the two people I loved most in this godforsaken world.
"LEVI!" That voice. I wrenched my eyes open, snapping out of my grieving thoughts as I turned sharply to see the blonde bastard upon his muddy white horse.
"You're the only one left?" He asked, his eyebrows pulling down over his electrifying blue eyes, a smirk tugging on his lips, "How pathetic."
My hands shook at my sides, my whole body quaking in fury as he loomed over me, ordering the other scouts in his squad to secure the area around us, ward off any straggling titans. My eyes searched frantically around the scouts, but I couldn't find that familiar face.
"Where is she?" I spat, my voice barely audible as I scowled up at the blonde man.
Erwin observed the area, looking at the fallen bodies, his face contorted in a sharp grimace, "She turned back when she saw the flares. She came back to help you so I am guessing anyone of these bodies could be hers." His voice cold and malicious.
I snapped, fury once again breaking free as I launched myself at the Section Commander. Grabbing him by his underarms and violently throwing his heavy body into the ground. The giant goliath of a scout sprang from his horse and rushed over to help the blonde, who laid sprawled on the sodden ground, coughing and spluttering as he heaved himself up onto his forearms.
I equipped my blades, pointing them at the blonde and the goliath, "Stay back unless you are willing to join him!" I hissed, death glaring the man. Mike shrunk back, holding his hands up in surrender as the blonde turned and sat on his backside in the mud. Tch... filthy, wallowing pig!
As he sat up, I could see no fear in his eyes as he peered up at me. I could see my reflection in my blades as I stared down at the ground, the metal still elevated at the blonde. I didn't recognise the man who stared back at me. Blood spattered up his cheeks, mingled with tear stains and rainwater. Glacial, dead steel blue eyes. Limp, matted raven hair. Hollowed cheeks and eye sockets. A sneer pulling at the corners of his mouth, exposing clenched teeth. The man who stared back, murderous, a killer.
"The only reason I am out here, is to kill you!" I said venomously, placing the edge of my blade to his neck, a small amount of blood trickled down his neck as it bit into his flesh. He didn't flinch away or try and escape the metal that rested against his artery. He just stared at me, rainwater flowing down his face. He reached into his cloak, pulling out a large fat brown envelope.
"This is all the documentation I have on Lovof," He stated, throwing it at my feet.
I growled, my chest feeling like it was close to bursting, "You knew we were after you?"
Erwin said nothing, he just looked at the bulging envelope as it soaked up the water, "Yes. I knew, so did (F/N). She helped provide me with all the evidence I needed to take down Lovof. But you are too late..."
My grip on the blade tightened. What the hell was he on about? How did (F/N) help him in anyway? The realisation hit me like a ton of bricks, he used her to spy on us. Whenever she was with him, she was giving him all the intel he needed. How could I have been so fucking blind?
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Erwin smirked as I pressed the blade closer to his skin, "Those documents there, are fake. The real ones are already in the hands of Darius Zackley. Its over for Lovof."
My eyes widened slightly, so there were never any documents to steal, because they were already gone. We came all this way for absolutely nothing, "Then why bother bringing us into the Scouts! If you had all the evidence you needed, why bring us into this shit?!" I shouted, my voice a low rumble. I didn't even recognise my own voice anymore. I felt completely betrayed and heartbroken.
The blonde sat back on his heels, his leather boots drenched in the bloody rainwater. His features unreadable, his eyes glazed over, "Your skills are like none I have ever seen before. The only other soldier who came even close was Scout (F/N) (L/N). Yes I brought you in because I needed more information, more solid, concrete evidence. But I wanted you for your skill. We need more soldiers like you," The man paused, his voice monotone as he pondered his next words carefully, "I also needed to throw Lovof off my trail for a while. Taking you in was my best option."
My eyebrows pulled down further into a deeper glare, my eyes hooded with rage, "You. Let. Them. Die. For. Nothing." I panted, trying to catch my breath as my lungs threatened to burst out of my ribcage. I couldn't get enough air, my heart pounding in my chest, blood roaring in my ears, "YOU. KILLED. THEM. FOR. NOTHING!" I screamed, a tear falling down my cheek.
Erwin's eyes flickered up to mine, anger setting in his electric hues as he grabbed the blade from his neck, "Who was it who killed your friends? My subordinates?" He hissed, his eyebrows almost touching in his dangerous glare. His jaw ticked furiously as he clenched his teeth and rose up onto his feet, towering over me.
"Was it me? Was it you? Did we kill your friends? Did we eat them?" He asked in a sadistic voice.
I was thrown off, my eyes widening as he continued, "If you had stayed, could you have stopped all of this? If I allowed (F/N) to stay, could you have both prevented this from happening?"
"You're absolutely right. If I hadn't raced off to find you, to kill you then they would still be alive!"
Erwin's face contorted in fury, thrusting my blade towards my chest, cutting deeply into the flesh of the palm of his hand.
"NO! YOU HAD NO PART TO PLAY IN THEIR DEATHS! TITANS KILLED YOUR FRIENDS!"
My eyes widened a fraction as he bellowed at me. His words slowly sinking in as I made sense of them. There was no way of knowing that if I had stayed that I could have made a difference. There was no way of knowing if I could have prevented Furlan and Isabel's deaths even if I had given it my all. No matter how skilled I was, there was no way of changing that.
"We are completely ignorant to the titans. We understand next to nothing about them. Where they come from? Why they thirst for our blood? Why they must eat us? These questions will continue to go unanswered if people like Lovof remain at large. Embezzling our expedition funds in order to line his own fat pockets and fund his activities down in the Underground. To continue smuggling our weaponry, our resources. Humanity's future is outside those damn walls, yet if we continue to remain ignorant, the titans will keep pushing us to extinction. Humanity doesn't deserve to exist if we do not fight!" Erwin declared, his head held high as he towered over me.
My eyes remained locked on him as I listened, his words making complete sense to me. He was right, about everything.
The blonde ran his hand along the edge of the metal blade, slicing his hand further, his face now inches away from my own, "Humanity's eyes are clouded by the false sense of security and safety those walls provide. What of your eyes Levi? Do they remain clouded? Or do you see that our lives are meant to be lived in freedom! Away from those walls. Freedom to explore the world we live in! Will you kill me? Kill me and you may as well return to the Underground, live out your life as a lowly thug before dying a painful death. Never to see the light of day again! Or will you, Levi Ackerman, join the Scouting Regiment in our fight! We need your skill... to save humanity. To fight for what is rightfully ours! To earn our freedom!"
I stood there, unmoving. I dropped my blade, the metal splashing into the water below me. The thought of returning to the Underground was unthinkable. Not with all I have seen and experienced through this past month. I have experienced warmth and friendship and most importantly, I have experienced love. My eyes have been opened to the beautiful wonders that is the outside world. Nothing could compare to that. All of the beauty we had missed out on in the Underground. And last night, seeing the moon for the first time, the twinkling of stars. The passionate events with (F/N), oh how could I forget all of that. I would never be able to return to the Underground. There was no way I would give any of that up, even if they were dead and couldn't share any of it with me.
My eyes trailed up slowly to meet Erwin's powerful gaze, my features deadpanned, "Alright. I'll join you. You have my trust..." I whispered dropping my head, my matted hair falling limply over my eyes.
The blonde sighed, a smile on his lips as he placed a large hand on my shoulder, squeezing slightly, "Have no regrets Levi. It will only cloud your judgement and damper your decisions. I need your mind to stay sharp."
I nodded, my eyes still staring at my mud caked boots. The rain had stopped ages ago, only just now had the clouds began to disperse. Allowing the sun to peak through and begin warming up the earth. The warm rays seeping into my drenched clothing, attempting to warm up my frigid body.
"I need to find her," I whispered, my voice low and grief stricken.
The Section Commander nodded once, "Mike, how is the perimeter coming?"
The goliath who had been watching the whole scene, broke out of his reverie. His eyebrows raised in surprise, his mouth twisted in a weird sort of sneer, "Perimeter is being completed, so far no titans are in the vicinity."
"Good, make sure it stays that way. We need to collect our dead."
Mike sighed, thumping his huge fist against his broad chest, "Yes sir." He turned and gathered the remaining scouts who had turned to watch the spectacle and galloped off.
Slowly, I managed to move my feet, the sticky mud squelching under my boots as I tried to stay up right and yank my feet out of the sinking ground. The titan had now degraded into nothing but a smouldering pile of bones, the ivory rising up through the ground like some strange formation. My eyes cast on the ground as I scanned through the dead bodies. Hands, arms, legs, torsos, heads, organs everywhere, dispersed in every direction. Would I be able to recognise her mangled corpse?
I heard a rustle in the treeline, putting me on high alert as I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. Whatever it was, it was too small to be a titan, however I still drew my blades. Stepping tentatively, trying to avoid making any sound as I moved closer to the sound. As I got closer I could hear a low groaning, for sure this had to be some sort of animal, wounded by the titan as it crashed through the area. That was...until I saw a shock of (H/C) hair sprawled across the ground.
My eyes widened, bulging out of my skull as I dropped my blades and sprinted over to her, my gear clanking loudly at my sides. Her body was slumped up against a tree, her hair fanned out across the grass. Blood trickled out of a gash in her forehead. Her arm clutched around her side as her breathing came out in low agonising gasps. Her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth parted as a low groan passed through her lips. I tumbled to the ground, landing heavily on my knees as I brushed the tendrils out of her face and pulled her head over onto my lap. Tears welled up in my eyes as I stared at her flushed face, touching her face with my icy, shaking fingers.
Her eyes flew open as she flinched at my touch, flailing her arms in the air as she punched me in the mouth, my teeth cutting into my cheek. I fell back, landing on my backside, my eyebrows shot up as I cupped my mouth, moaning in pain.
"Hey! Calm down... you're safe," I moaned, my hand muffling my voice as I crawled back over to her. Her wide (E/C) eyes stared directly at me, her brows furrowed slightly as she took in my features, "Levi?"
"Yes. I'm here. You're safe now," I repeated, bringing her body to my chest, rubbing her back in soothing circles. She glanced up into my eyes, tears filling her dull eyes as she broke down, fisting the fabric of my shirt as she placed her forehead in the crook of my neck. I wrapped my arms around her convulsing body, one arm cradled around her waist, the other supporting the back of her head, stroking her soft hair.
"Shh... you're okay. I'm here," I soothed, turning my head to glance over my shoulder. Erwin was still searching through the dead corpses, his face twisted in disgust as he picked up a hand and inspected it, "I've found her! She's alive!" I called out, my voice cracking. I was overwhelmed, trying to figure out why the titan didn't kill her. But I pushed that to the back of my mind, all I needed to know was she was safe, she was alive. Erwin smiled sadly, shouting for a medical scout to come forward and assess her.
I held onto her, not wanting to ever let her go. I will never let her out of my sight again. I leant my head down, resting my chin on her crown, pressing kisses into her hair as I repeated the words, "I'm here. I'm never going to leave you again."