Chapter Eight ~ Grief

Reader's prov.

Levi hoisted himself up into the saddle behind me. His strong arms encircling my waist as he took hold of the reins of his horse. I winced as his arm brushed up against my side, my ribs feeling tender, making it harder for me to breathe. His rain soaked clothes pressed up against my back, sending a violent shiver up my spine. I felt cold, lifeless as I glanced at the ground, seeing his dead hand. How could I have been so careless? They are dead because of me, because I left them. My breath caught in my throat as I caught sight of his face, contorted in pain. My name on his pursed lips. I held back my tears, not wanting to show any sign of weakness.

"ALL SQUADS, HEAD TO BASE CAMP!" The blonde Section Commander ordered.

Levi slowly encouraged the horse into a walk, my body shuddering as it picked up speed. His ODM gear jolting into my thighs as he rode forward. My gear had fallen and snapped when I crashed into the tree. Erwin deemed it unrecoverable but announced that there were plenty of supplies, such as spare gear at base camp should I have the need for them. I turned my head as the horse cantered away, Furlan's lifeless body disappearing. The retrieval squad staying in the field as well as Mike Zacharius to gather up all the corpses and return them home.

Levi was silent the whole way to the base. His hands brushing against mine occasionally, sending electricity shooting up my arms. I wished he would say something, yell at me, hit me. Anything but this cursed silence. But he stayed silent, brooding as his eyes remained focused, not wavering off our course. I gave into the tears as I silently sobbed, replaying Furlan's death over and over in my head.

His tortured screams as the titan bit down on him. He has saved my life, only for him to die in my place. It should have been me who died. Not him. I was reckless with grief and I got him killed. In my mind, he was a hero. Whether others believed it to be true or not. They all were heroes. Even Levi. In the Underground, constantly risking their lives to help others. They lead a life of meaning, yet they still ended up dead. Their lives to be forgotten in the abyss of fallen soldiers. In the end no one remembers the dead, they only remember those who come back alive. The people who matter most.

I had only know them for a short period of time, yet I felt like I had known them my whole life. Staying up late to tell stories. Oh how I loved hearing about their adventures.

...

"Yeah, it was fantastic!" Isabel had laughed, swatting her knees with her hands, "And Furlan walked up to the guy, yelling at him to put the knife down before he beat him like the stupid little boy he was!"

I giggled along with her as Furlan puffed out his chest and thumped his fists against it, making us laugh even harder. Furlan blew out a breath, his face lighting up in a gentle smile as he stared at me.

"So what did he do?" I gasped between fits of laughter.

Furlan shrugged, "Meh... the guy ran away crying like a girl," he laughed, clutching his belly as he nearly toppled off his chair, "Ahhh... stay away from me you demented freak!"

I howled louder as he impersonated the man, running around the room flapping his arms around his head. Isabel striding up to him, her face nonchalant in an attempt to impersonate Levi. However she kept smiling and laughing, struggling to keep up her façade, "Then Levi came up to Furlan and said, 'Oh well seems the little girl pissed herself.' thing was, Furlan didn't realise that Levi was behind him the whole time, imitating that he was gutting the guy. That's why he ran off like he did."

I cackled as I stared over at Levi who was calmly drinking his tea. A flush creeping on his face as he sighed and glanced back out of the window, "Oh how you like to exaggerate things, idiot."

Isabel came back to sit next to me, crossing her legs under her as she stuck her tongue out at the ravenette, "Come on Furlan, your turn," Isabel giggled, wiping her eyes from the stray tears as she placed an arm around my heaving shoulders.

He tilted his head to the side, a cocky smile spreading across his face, "Have I told you how Levi and I met Isabel?" he asked as Isabel groaned and placed her head in her hands. I shook my head, leaning forward, eager to hear this story.

"So there we were, Levi and I, back at our house. We had just come back from a big score. Levi was cleaning the kitchen in his little maid outfit..."

Levi threw a scowl at the man as he wacked him around the head with his hand, "No I wasn't. I was sitting at the table, polishing my knife!"

"Oooh yeah, so you were. Well anyway we hear this loud crash against the door. We walk over there, our knives drawn. I opened the door very, very slowly and this girl tumbles in. Near enough falling flat on her face..."

"Yeah, I think she drooled on my boots. I made her polish them for weeks," Levi smirked as Isabel threw a pillow at him, which he caught and launched it into her face. Causing her to fall back onto the bed. Furlan and I howled with laughter as she scrambled up, one of her bunches falling out, making her look absolutely ridiculous. His eyes sparkled as he glanced at her, like a brother looking on proudly at his sibling.

"Anyway, there she was lying on the floor and both me and Levi were like, 'Whaaa? what's a kid doing on our door step?'" Furlan giggled, standing up and pulling a weird face as he took a sip of alcohol from the bottle he had stolen from the kitchens, "I was like 'shit I ain't ready for adoption yet, we've only just gotten used to living together'."

I sat there, my arms propped up on my knees as I rested my cheeks on my fists, staring up at Furlan as he continued the story, cackling and laughing at his own jokes. Levi grumbled something about not being interested in men, making Furlan cackle with hysterical laughter.

"So anyway, the reason she came to us for help, the reason she was running away from the men who guard the stairs... was because she wanted to help this bird that had fallen through a drain... she was clutching it so tightly to her chest that I thought she was going to kill the damn thing with her smothering," Furlan chuckled, sitting on the chair swiping his tear stained face. His rugged features now red and blotchy from laughing so hard. Isabel started to giggle lightly, "Okay so maybe it was a little funny, but I bet (F/N) would have done the same thing, am I right?"

I shook my head, my wavy (H/C) hair flowing gently around my shoulders as I sucked in a large breath, "I might have done. But I would have tried to get past the guards better than walking up to them saying, 'Oh hey there fellas, just need to pop outside for some air'," I howled.

Isabel took a long pull from the wine bottle next to me, her face flushed, "Well I thought it was a good idea at the time."

...

That night I really felt like I belonged with them. That I could really be apart of their circle of friends. Oh how I wanted so much to fit in with them. Isabel and Furlan accepted me very quickly, both of them being like kindred spirits as we laughed and joked about silly things. In that short space of time I had developed what I thought would be a long lasting friendship with the pair of them, one that I worried would be tarnished after the rooftop incident with Furlan. Without realising it at the time, they had managed to worm their way into my heart. Burrowing so deep into it that my heart was now cracking and breaking with grief. They were gone, and it was all because of me.

Once we arrived at the large castle-like base camp, I was lead to the infirmary by the Section Commander. Levi by my side as he threw one of my arms around his shoulders and helped me into the building. My head was stitched up and my side bandaged, there was nothing they could do for my ribs apart from give me some tablets to take for the pain. Levi was also evaluated, only having a slight graze on his cheek and a bruised back from where he said his horse had thrown him.

Later on that evening, I was laid up in one of the beds, my eyes refusing to close. I wanted so desperately to sleep but I just couldn't. Not without talking to Levi. He left hours ago to clear his head, but he hasn't returned. Erwin sat beside me, his head in his hands. His left hand in a tight bandage.

"What happened to your hand?" I asked, my voice cracking at the effort.

Erwin lifted his head, a small sorrowful smile spread on his lips. He rubbed his hand with his fingers, tracing the lines of the material, "An accident. That's all you need to know."

"Cut the crap, Erwin and just tell me how it happened," I spat, not in the mood for his cryptic nonsense.

The blonde man blinked up at me, surprised at my sudden out burst. His blue eyes dull and glazed over, "Levi came after me. I spoke with him shortly after he killed the titan that..." he paused, his eyebrows marring his face as he cast his eyes to the ground, "...killed your friends. It was an accident, a misunderstanding."

I sighed. I knew Levi would try to kill Erwin, after all it was part of the job he had been entrusted with from Lovof. I am glad that Erwin managed to talk him out of killing him, and get him to join our cause. The blonde sat still, brooding as he rubbed his temples with his long fingers.

"If you're going to punish me then get on with it! You can't make me feel any worse than I already do."

Erwin flinched, his whole body twitching at my cold harsh tone, "I am not here to scold you, (F/N). You followed your gut instincts, you trusted yourself to know what to do. You knew something was terribly wrong and you went to try and stop it... I cannot punish you for that. You've been through enough as it is."

"But I failed! I failed to stop it! They are dead because I left with you!" I screamed, tears pouring out of my eyes. Erwin flinched again at my grating tone, "I watched Furlan die. And it is my fault. I killed them when I left!"

"Why did you want to leave?" Erwin's hoarse, tired voice asked, shutting his eyes as he sat back. His forehead wrinkled as he rose his large eyebrows.

"Because I was pissed off with Levi! I left because he hurt me and now because of my stupid decision they are dead!"

The blonde didn't respond, he just placed a hand on mine as I sobbed. The warmth from his hand failing to heat up my frigid skin.

"It's all my fault..."

I didn't hear or see Levi enter my room. He stood silently in the shadows, watching me as I broke down.

"If anyone is to blame for their deaths, blame that bastard titan! Your choices didn't affect the outcome of today. If you had stayed then you would have surely joined them." My blurred gaze travelled to where Levi stood. He looked awful, his cheek swollen from the cleaning agent used to disinfect the wound. His lips swollen and bruised from where I punched him in the face. His eyes hollow and haunted as he glared at me, the blue steel glacial and blank.

"I could have stopped it..."

"Enough (F/N)! Cut the fucking crap!" Levi hissed, his scowl deepening, casting dark shadows on his face. Even if he said it wasn't my fault and that it was solely the titan's fault, I could feel that on some level he did blame me.

I gulped, hoping he wouldn't hurt me too much as he stepped into the light. His raven hair matted around his face, the skin under his eyes red and puffy. I had never seen the stoic man in such a state before. It hurt me to look at him, so I bowed my head, but that didn't erase the image from my mind. The image of a broken man.

"I will leave you guys to talk," Erwin announced, patting my hand gently as he got up and planted a gentle kiss on my cheek. As he passed Levi, he whispered something in his ear. However I couldn't make out what he said. Probably something along the lines of 'take it easy on her, she's beating herself up enough already as it is'.

The door shut quietly and now I was alone with the ravenette. My eyes focused solely on my hands which were folded in my hands. Little cuts and slices tore through my hands as I flipped them over and examined them properly. My skin feeling raw.

Levi let out a deep sigh as he sat in the chair next to the bed. Leaning his elbow on the armrest, his head in his hand, one leg crossed over the other. We sat in silence for a long while. The only noises that I could hear were Levi's steady breathing and muffled voices outside the door. Again I wished for him to do something, even if it were violent. It would have been better than just sitting there, wallowing in his own thoughts.

"I'm so sorry Levi," I croaked, breaking the tense silence. Wow I sounded like shit. I felt like shit. I bet I even looked like shit.

I glanced up at him, waiting for his reaction. He sighed, rubbing his head with his fingers, his lips pursed, "So am I," He eventually said.

My eyes widened in anger, "Is that all you have to say?" I snapped, clenching my hands into tight fists.

Levi sighed an exhausted sigh, his features completely shattered and sorrowful, "What else do you want me to say, (F/N)?" his tone tired, his eyes squeezed shut.

I clenched my teeth together, feeling my anger bubble to the surface, "I broke my promise to you! I said I would watch over them for you and I didn't. So shout at me, hit me! Do whatever you want to me, but don't sit there in silence!" I shouted at him, throwing my hands up in frustration.

Levi jumped, his whole body jerking at my cold-hearted words.

"DO SOMETHING!"

Levi sighed, removing his hand from his face so that he could look at me. I could still make out the tear stains from where he had been crying over his friends. My heart leapt into my mouth as I wanted to get up and embrace him, tell him I was sorry. He just looked so lost, so broken. Its not something I would have ever wanted to see.

"If you remember, I revoked my promise to you. I was careless with my life, going after those titans. I never expected you to keep your word after what I said. How I treated you," he said in a dry monotone voice.

I laughed. It sounded cruel as the sound escaped through my lips, momentarily scaring myself, "And yet here you are! You kept your promise after all and mine will always be broken! Why the fuck are you not mad at me?" I growled, sitting up straighter. Feeling like there was a rod going through my spine, a sharp agonising pain shot through my side.

Levi didn't respond, he just processed my words, refusing to look at me, his eyes staring into space, hooded and in pain.

I threw my head back against the pillows, exhaling loudly, "You should have just left me out there to die!" I whispered, not thinking he would actually hear me.

I flinched violently as I felt a hard sting on my cheek, my hand instinctively went up to protect myself from another blow.

He stared back at me, his eyes livid and menacing, brimming with tears. His large calloused hands shaking violently at his sides, "How fucking dare you! How dare you speak to me like that!" He shouted, his voice bouncing, echoing off the stone walls. I'm pretty sure the whole damn base heard him cry out. Finally the response I had been waiting for, now all I had to do was soak up the insults and the blame he would throw at me.

I stared into his eyes, still holding my stinging cheek as he towered over me, "Don't you ever wish yourself dead, do you hear me?! If you are not in this world then I have nothing else to live for. Nothing else to fight for. Yes I am furious that you left to go with Erwin, but its not like you had a choice. You were ordered away, he steered your horse. I was never under any orders to leave but my own. I went after Erwin! I was going to slash his throat open because I was hired to do so. If I had stayed with Furlan and Isabel and not chased you down then maybe, just maybe, they would still be alive. But then I would still have had to carry out my mission, and in doing so I would have lost you."

My eyes widened, my mouth dropped open as he explained. His eyes looking anywhere and everywhere, searching for the words he needed. His teeth furiously chewing on his lip as he found his next words. A sea of emotions washed over his face as I listened to him.

"I am no longer fighting to kill someone, just so I can live on the surface. I am fighting for freedom. And as much as it goddamn hurts me to say, none of this would have been at all possible if they hadn't died. As much as I..." He choked, a tear falling down his cheek, "As much as I loved them and would give anything to have them back at my side, I refuse to regret my decisions. I will hold no malice toward you, only to the bastard creatures that took away their lives. I refuse to hold you accountable for a titan's actions. I know you loved them too and it will hurt like hell for a while, and you may regret leaving, but it is not your fault. I don't blame you, and don't think for one second that I do.

"At least you tried to keep your promise. Erwin told me how you ran back as soon as you saw the flares. How you tried to save Furlan's life. So as far as I am concerned, you kept to your word, you kept your promise to me. Just please don't wish yourself dead. I... I can't... I can't take it..." He huffed, tears now streaming down his features. His hands clawing at his hair as he collapsed onto his knees, breaking down into heart-wrenching sobs.

My heart tensed and sunk, tears of my own falling down my face as I threw my bed sheet off myself and knelt down beside him. Pulling his heaving body to mine, his face buried in my neck. My hands rubbing soothingly up and down his back, my other hand stroking his soft yet matted hair. His tears staining my shirt. He wrapped his arms around my waist in a death grip, nothing would break us apart, and we stayed there. On the cold wooden floor. We stayed like this until our tears had dried and our sobs ceased to nothing but light hiccupping. No words exchanged, we just held each other. Allowing our grief-stricken hearts to bare all to each other. Allowing our wounded, broken souls to mend.

I was the first to sit up, wiping my tear stained face with the sleeve of my shirt. Levi's soft breathing tickled the hairs on the back of my neck. His eyes closed softly, his lips parted slightly. He was drifting, almost asleep on my shoulder. His arms sagging around my waist, falling just shy of the top of my backside. I turned my face so I could look at his face. His features so youthful and young when he isn't frowning. I brushed a lock of raven hair out of his eyes, tracing his frown line as he frowned and wrinkled his nose. I stroked his tearstained cheeks, wiping them away with my cool fingers. His eyes snapped open, staring at me with a wide, confused expression.

I shifted slightly, my feet going numb from kneeling on the floor for so long. He lifted his head from my shoulder, the movement slow as if his head weighed a ton. He pulled away from me, heaving himself up. Groaning loudly as he wobbled on numb legs, gripping the chair tightly for support. After the feeling came back into my own legs, I stood. Levi's arm banding around my waist as I stumbled. I hobbled over to the bed, climbing into the cool sheets, patting the other side of the bed whist looking hopefully at Levi, asking him to join me.

He shook his head and slumped down into the chair beside me, sprawling his legs out in front of him and laying his cloak over his legs, "No, you need your sleep if you are to heal."

He yawned, scrubbing his face with his hands. Shifting as he got comfortable.

I flomped down on the pillows, "It's not like I was asking you to have sex with me. I just think the bed would be more comfortable than that rickety old chair."

Levi's breath hitched, a smirk forming on his full, bruised lips, "Even if you had, I would still say no."

I frowned, "So you are really going to sleep in that chair?"

He sighed, closing his fluttering eyes and resting his cheek on his fist, "Yes I am."

"You'll damage your back if you do."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Levi's eyebrows drew together, "Go to sleep," he murmured.

"No, not until you get in the bed."

"Go to sleep now, (F/N)," he growled in a low menacing tone, his eyes still fused shut.

"Make me!" I challenged, my mouth setting into a grim line.

"I will cut your vocal chords if you don't shut it and go to sleep," he threatened, opening one droopy eye. He looks too adorable to sound so threatening, I thought, smiling inwardly at the stubborn, yet sleepy man before me.

"Fine," I groaned, sighing in defeat.

A low growl came from his chest as he sighed, his breathing slowly evening out as he drifted off to sleep.

"Would it really kill you to just get in the damn bed?" I questioned, peaking at him.

He sighed a heavy sigh, crossing his arms over his chest as he shifted again, "No, but it will kill you. Now go to sleep brat! Don't make me ask again," he argued.

I sighed, pulling the blankets around my shoulders, Tch... stubborn shithead, I thought as my eyelids drooped. Becoming very heavy as I was lulled into sleep by the sound of Levi's deep, peaceful breathing.

I thrusted my hand out to Furlan, my fingertips grazing his as he was caught in slow motion by the red eyed titan. His dull blue eyes transfixed on mine, a small sad smile on his lips as he was pulled into the giant's mouth, his bottom half passing though the giant yellow stained teeth. The titan bit down, blood flying into the air. His strangled cries echoing through my head as he called out my name. Blood forming in the back of his throat as his lungs began to flood.

I screamed, trying with all my might to get to him. But I couldn't move. It were as if I was suspended in the air, unable to move in any direction. I wanted so badly to snatch Furlan from the titan's grasp and hold him tightly. My efforts only increased as I caught sight of his head entering the massive cavern. His features paling, his eyes changing into a blue steel colour, his hair morphing into a raven black. It wasn't Furlan at all.

I shouted and screamed, jumping and trying to get away from the suspension as I watched his stoic eyes shed a single tear, his lips frozen on my name as the titan swallowed him before turning it's giant leering red eyes onto me, licking its lips with its elongated sharp tongue.

Levi's prov.

A blood curdling scream tore from her lungs as she thrashed around on the bed. I sat bolt-up-right, my eyes locked onto her bucking form. She screamed again as I threw my cloak off my legs and jumped over to her, placing my hands on either side of her face.

"(F/N), wake up!" I said, my voice shaky and panicked, what the hell is she dreaming about to react like this?

I hoped she would rouse herself from her sleep as I gently spoke to her, coaxing her out of whatever hellish nightmare she was facing.

"No! Please!" She cried, her eyes screwed shut, tears flowing down her cheeks, "Levi! Please don't leave me! I love you! Please don't die!"

My breath hitched as she cried out. She what...? My mind threw a blank as I tried to wrap my head around her words. Whatever she was dreaming about, I was in it. A growl erupted from my chest as I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her lightly.

"Wake up!" I called, watching as her frightened (E/C) eyes burst open. At first she just laid there, not seeing me at all, her eyes staring through me. The sparkle that she always seemed to have in her eyes was no longer there. As she came to, she gasped, swiping at her tears furiously. Her eyes moving around the room as she gathered her bearings before her eyes came to rest on me.

"L...Levi?" she whispered, confusion written across her face, "What happened?"

I released the breath I didn't know I was holding and crushed her to my chest. My nose grazing her shoulder as I took in her sent, fresh water and jasmine. I knew she wouldn't remember what she had said, but in that moment I realised that I had feelings for her too. My heart swelled as she melted into my arms, burying her head into my chest.

"You had a nightmare," I murmured, trying to slow down my racing heart, which I was sure she could hear, "Are you okay?" My voice thick and unrecognisable.

She shook her head against my chest. My shirt became warm and wet as her salty tears began to leak out of her eyes once more. I awkwardly took off my boots, not once letting go of her, chucking them across the floor and pulled her down onto the mattress. I pulled the bedsheets over the pair of us and she snuggled into my chest, wrapping her arms around me, throwing a leg over mine. My hand stroking her back, tracing small shapes into her cool skin. Her (H/C) hair fell around my shoulders and I pressed my lips into her hair, gently leaving a kiss on her head. My lips pulsating slightly at the contact as a scorching heat shot through me.

It took a while for her sobs to subside, I'm not exactly sure how long but it was definitely longer than half an hour. I shifted down in the sheets so I was level with her, pressing my forehead to hers, closing my eyes, "I'm not going to leave you. I'm right here. You're stuck with me brat." She giggled lightly and nuzzled her head against mine, and she stayed there for the rest of the evening. Her warm breaths caressing my cheeks. She smiled in her sleep, the last thing I heard before I drifted off in her arms was, "I love you Levi." Leaving me smiling gently back at her as I pressed another kiss to her forehead, I love you too brat.