Get these left handed lovers out of your way
They look hopeful but you, you should not stay
If you want me to break down and give you the keys
I can do that but I can't let you leave

Long lost & gone

Chapter 5

When she woke up the house was quiet, she guessed Stefan went out hunting like he usually did when he needed time to himself, Bonnie and Caroline had probably gone home, she didn't mind though, she needed space and time to think about all of this.

But the first thought in her mind had nothing to do with the betrayal that she had discovered yesterday. It had everything to do with this room, his room. All the memories she had in here, the good ones and the bad ones, she all treasured them, the love making, the fights, the fights that ended in love making, they were all crystal clear in her head, she never wrote about them in her diary because she knew she didn't have to, her soul and heart would keep them intact.

Tears started forming in her eyes, she realized how much she missed him, it was impossible not to when her whole body, soul and heart were screaming for him. But she had never thought that she would miss her memories, the memories she tried so hard to push out of her head, she had always thought that she missed a future with him the most but she didn't, she missed her past with him, the beautiful moments they had shared and even the ones that weren't as beautiful, she remembered them fighting, they had so many fights about the most silliest things, she let out a laugh while remembering them fighting about his boxers, how she would always pull them on and wear them, she remembered him screaming that he didn't have enough boxers for the both of them while she was muttering how comfy they were.

Being in this room made her realize that she was still living in the past, that she hadn't moved on, that she was afraid to move on, she was afraid that if she moved on she would forget about him, forget about their moments, forget about their love, forget about how she was capable of feeling.

Maybe she should move on, maybe it was time, she couldn't believe what she was telling herself, he's alive, it's all she ever wanted, but if he was alive why did he never come back? Not even to visit Stefan? Why didn't he feel the same as she did? Why didn't he feel that she was still there, that she was still alive, that her heart was still beating for him? Why didn't he ask to see her body? If they had told her he had died she would have demanded to see him, to see that her soul and heart had died, why hadn't he?

Was Stefan right? Had he used her? Maybe Stefan was right, maybe he had wanted payback, he had never told her he loved her but she thought he did, she was convinced he did, but what if it was all an act? What if their moments were never real? What if she had been longing for someone who hadn't thought about her a second in the last five years? What if she had been longing for someone who never cared? Who will never care?

"Why did you stay with me? If he meant so much to you?" she hadn't heard Stefan walk in but he was sitting on the end of the bed, his eyes directed to the floor.

"Stefan, I don't want to hurt you." she couldn't look at him, not yet, even if he had hurt her, she wouldn't be the same monster, she wouldn't rub in his face how she fell for his brother.

"Please Elena, I need to hear this, I need to know why, why you went to my brother, why I wasn't enough for you anymore." his voice broke. "Please Elena, I need to know."

She sat up against the headboard and pulled her legs against her chest, her arms wrapped around herself "After the first time I thought it was a mistake, that it was pure physical, sexual. I told him that, I told him that it would never happen again, that I loved you and didn't want to hurt you." she lifted her head up to look at him but his eyes were still on the floor "But every time he was in the same room, my body started screaming for him, my chest started aching because he was ignoring me, I tried to be his friend and he wouldn't let me be, I missed him so much that every nerve in my body registered the moments I spend away from him as pain. I wanted him to talk to me, to explain what was going on, I needed him to be my friend so when you went out hunting one night I went to his room, to talk to him and make him understand that I was his friend, that I would always be his friend but nothing more than that." she took a deep breath and composed herself "The moment I came in that room, this room, his eyes locked with mine and all I could do was run to him, run into his arms, all I could do was give into him."

"But why? Why did you stay with me, why did you sneak around behind my back?" she saw that he was holding back tears and that he only raised his voice to not let them out.

"Because everybody kept telling me how perfect we were, you and I, how we were made for each other, I thought they were right, I thought that after a while I would come back to you because it's true what you said, he would have destroyed me, our love would have destroyed us, it would have suffocated us. I knew deep down I needed to leave him, we were able to destroy one another just by loving each other and at some point we would have and I couldn't do that to him or to myself, but every time I tried to say goodbye to him, my whole body would just started aching again and I couldn't handle that feeling again, not after I knew how to stop it, I couldn't leave him. I would have let him destroy me if that meant I could stay forever with him. But I stayed with you because I hoped that I would someday have the strength to do the right thing and leave him, to prevent our love from killing us both."

"But why did you stay with me after he left? Why didn't you start over with someone else?" he kept looking at the floor, he had been looking at the floor during the whole conversation like he was counting the tiles in the room.

"Because after he left I thought you would go looking for him, that you would bring him back to me." she couldn't believe that she said that out loud, she just confessed using him but he deserved the truth and it was the truth. She still remembered how she would look up every time he walked in waiting for him to say that he had found him, that he would catch a plane and get him back.

"And after we told you he was dead?" his head was now resting in his hands, he sounded desperate.

She knew how hard this sounded but he wanted to hear this, he said it himself "You were the closest thing to him, if I pretended hard enough I could see him, smell him, talk to him. You shared the same memories Stefan, I would never get closer to him than by staying with you."

"Marry me." he looked up at her and his face resembled the ones of a crazy person.

"What?" he must have gone crazy, she just confessed using him and loving his brother more than him and he was asking her to marry him.

He stood up and came to sit next to her legs on the edge of the bed "You've said it yourself, it would kill you both, marry me, don't look for him, stay away from him, I'll keep you safe, I love you Elena and I know you care about me, we're best friends, I know I've hurt you but now everything is out in the open, no more secrets, there will never be any secrets again, we could be happy Elena, just give it a shot, give us a shot, your friends, your family, they are right, we are meant to be, we're best friends and I've known a lot of successful marriages based on friendship."

She shove further away from him, placing herself in the middle of the bed "Stefan, you don't know what you're saying, I did horrible things to you, I cheated on you with your brother, you can't love me, you can't ask me to marry you, you can never trust me again."

He grabbed her arms and pulled her closer " I know what I'm saying Elena, I trust you and I'll always love you, let me save you from him."

What if he had used her? Didn't she deserve a chance of happiness even if it was just a shell from what it could have been? Didn't she deserve to have a family? A husband? Someone who would love her? Someone she could love back? Even if it didn't remotely resemble the love she was capable of giving?

"Okay" she barely managed to whisper, it's a good thing he was a vampire or he wouldn't have heard it.

A big smile spread across his face"Okay? Really? You promise you'll marry me?" he was jumping like a little kid on Christmas morning.

"Yeah, I promise." that weren't the right words to say when you accepted someone's proposal for the second time, it shouldn't feel wrong, it shouldn't make your heart squeeze together in pain.

He took her hand and pulled her from the bed into the corridor to his room, she knew what he was going to do and she appreciated it that he didn't started it in that room, that she could keep the memories of him in his room and the memories of Stefan in Stefan's room.

She placed herself on the bed, waiting for what was coming, he threw himself at her and started kissing her, unbuttoning her shirt, she did the same with his, slowly, looking into his eyes, letting him know she would try to enjoy this, that she would try to be a good wife to him. That she would try to forget that she wanted to be someone else's wife.

She woke up to green eyes staring into hers, she was lying on her stomach, her arms under her chest, his fingers were trailing patterns on the naked skin of her back.

His voice cut through the silence "I need to tell you something." he looked guilty.

What more secrets? She just nodded, she didn't actually care.

"I have to go out of town for a while, I probably won't be back until the day of the wedding."his eyes were boring into hers, waiting for her reaction.

"Is there something wrong?" she propped herself up on her elbow and rested her face in the palm of her hand.

"No it's just this friend of mine, he's been on the animal diet for so long but something went wrong and he's having trouble to find control again, he called me to help him. I wouldn't go but I feel obligated, he's helped me before when I lost control, it's time to return the favor." he had actually lost her interest before he started his explanation, she was glad that he would be gone for a while, that she would have the time to get used to the idea of marrying him, that she wouldn't have to pretend to be happy about all the wedding-stuff under his watchful eye.

"He's your friend, you should go, I'll be fine. Caroline and Bonnie will keep me company, we still have plenty to do for the wedding." they had never actually called it off so everyone was still invited and didn't know a thing about everything that was going on. They would just assume that Elena was finally marrying the man of her life.

"I already packed, I hate leaving you behind but when I get back we will finally be husband and wife." his eyes sparkled at the thought.

She didn't answer and he gave her a kiss and jumped out of bed.

"See you at the altar." he whispered before closing the door behind him.

Stefan had left a week ago, she didn't actually miss him, she just missed company, Bonnie and Caroline hadn't come to visit and when she tried to call them they didn't pick up their phones. So at night she would hang out on her own or with Jenna and Alaric, she had even invited Jeremy and Tyler over one night to watch a hockey game.

When she was on her own she would read a book in the library or watch a movie but most of the time she just wandered around the house, reliving the memories of all that she was going to give up. She slept in his bedroom every night, after the wedding she would spend the rest of her nights in Stefan's so she would enjoy being able to sleep in this room for as long as she could, she would enjoy the feeling of being safe as long as she could. She couldn't resist to put on one of his t-shirts at night and snuggling her nose in the pillows so the fragrance would be as strong as possible, it calmed her down, it got her to sleep peacefully.

Of all the memories, she cherished the one in the mirror the most, she had been standing in front of the mirror in the hallway every day for the past week, like she was waiting for something, or someone. She held herself and closed her eyes, imagining feeling the perfect body against her, the perfect warmth radiating against her back, the perfect even breathing against her neck.

She was standing in front of the mirror again, eyes closed, imagining. It scared her how good she was becoming at it, she felt arms being wrapped around her waist, pulling her into the warm perfect chest behind her, a chin resting on her shoulder, fitting perfectly in the crook of her neck, a hand sneaking under hers so she could stroke it with her fingers, it brought tears to her eyes knowing that if she opened them it would all be gone, so she kept them closed as tight as possible because she could feel the chest against her back like it was really there, she could feel his warmth and breath on her neck like he was standing right behind her, she could feel his arms wrapped around her. He felt so real.

"We're perfect."

She snaps her eyes open, looking into the mirror. Brown eyes locking with ocean blue.

"Damon."

They were perfect. Indeed, they were.