Several hours later, the gang (sans Shan) had congregated in the kitchen to decorate Harkat's exquisite sugar cookies, but there was no merriment to be found after Darren's outburst.

"That was the most fucked up thing I've ever seen in my life." Arrow recounted. "And I've killed like 100 people."

"It's like… he wasn't even Darren… anymore." Harkat lamented, accidentally pouring an entire can of sprinkles on one cookie.

"This is was the same child who wrote, directed, and choreographed an entire Christmas musical 9 years ago." Paris sighed. "I shall never forget as long as I live."

"And the same one who threw a literal tantrum when we fucked it up." Mika contributed.

"And cried again when we fixed it." Kurda added. "He doesn't have a flattering crying face at all, but at least we know he meant it… Oh wait, Harkat? Are these cookies gluten-free?"

"And 3 years ago, when he saved the Stone of Blood from that atrocious Leopard boy." Larten griped.

"Do not be absurd, Larten." Seba hissed. "Young Shan did nothing that year but deny me of wifflewafers, cower behind the car seats, overrun his credit card on that girl-friend-woman of his, and then mash lips with her in the paper aisle at Staples. And then we almost died in the most dishonourable way. That entire holiday was an abomination from start to finish."

"Where did he even get those credit cards?" Arrow mused.

"No one really knows. There was never an explanation given." Mika shrugged (then stared into the camera like he was on The Office).

"FOCUS!" Harkat screeched suddenly. Everyone cringed. Harkat had a deeply unsettling yelling voice. "How are we… going to fix… Darren?"

"Are we sure we want to fix Darren?" said Mika. "Think about it. We'd never have to do a human holiday ever again. We could be normal vampires again."

"We installed a 5-car garage in the mountain and we have wi-fi. The normal vampire ship has sailed." said Larten grimly. "Besides, I can not live without my Bluetooth radio toothbrush. Our great ancestors would be disgusted but my teeth have never felt better. Anyway, I do digress."

"Remember the time Darren stole the ship?" Arrow reminisced.

"I bought that ship! Charna's guts, I'd completely forgotten! I literally own an entire ship." Paris gasped.

"The mystery credit cards strike again." Mika added with another long-suffering stare.

"It's in the garage?" Kurda gasped. "I've never seen it there!"

"Oh yes, it's parked right between the Escalade and Arrow's Hummer." (There was sarcasm here).

"Are you sure about that?" (But not here).

"GUYS." Harkat shrieked.

"Dude. Don't do that anymore." Arrow groaned, covering his ears with jingle bell-shaped cookies.

"We're fixing Darren… and we're fixing him… now." Harkat vowed fiercely. "Now, listen up. We… are going to… finish these cookies. We will… wrap the presents… get them under the tree, pronto. Mr. Crepsley… find Elf on the… shelf. Whether Darren likes it or not… his Christmas is gonna be… lit."

"Please, Harkat, for the love of fuck. Do not light anything on fire."

"Mika, you are… one of my dearest… friends. But I will… light you on fire if… the presents aren't wrapped… in one hour."

Everyone knows Harkat Mulds is a Lannister. He always pays his debts, or makes good on his threats, or however that saying goes. Darren is the only Game of Thrones expert in this mountain and he'd very much like to be excluded from this narrative seeing as he's still currently sulking in his cell. Meanwhile, in the North Pole (aka a large room higher up in the mountain which was declared a wrapping station by a label-maker-wielding Harkat) a very determined group was hunkered down in all corners trying to stealthily wrap their inter-mountain gifts whilst shielding them from prying eyes.

"So to whom belonged idea for everyone to wrap presents in the same room?" Larten complained loudly as he taped a sheet of reindeer paper to a slanted wall, creating a sort of teepee shelter in which he could hide his stash and wrap in peace.

"Because Darren spent… years… curating this collection of… wrapping equipment and if… I set you all loose with it… it's as good as gone… forever. It stays in this… room." Harkat explained tiredly.

"What even is this? It doesn't have a name on it and it's just sitting out in the open." Arrow pondered, holding up a box with what appeared to be an unassuming large-ish speckled egg. "And why are there 47 of them?" he gestured to a much larger Amazon box holding a much larger quantity of aforementioned eggs.

"It looks like a BeautyBlender. But a giant one. For gorillas." Kurda declared.

"Too soon, Kurda!" Harkat wailed.

"Harkat, Harambe is so last May. Let's move on." Mika sighed.

"They're Hatchimals. I bought out a Toys R Us when I heard they were trending. Now humans are selling them at 300$ a pop. I'm going to sell them on Christmas Eve to the desperate stragglers to appease their brats. Who's on fleek now?" Paris snickered.

"You're not using that word right." Said Arrow. "And judging by this receipt, you paid $299 for each of them, plus express shipping. I'm no mathematician but when you include tax, I don't think you're going to end up on fleek even if you do get 300 for them."

"Bah humbug. When I was your age, we did not use all this fancy taxable currency nonsense. We ran on the barter system! If I needed my roof fixed, all I had to do was trade 3 of my finest cattle and my good neighbor would have it fixed within the fortnight! None of these colourful automatic toilet-plunging contraptions or ridiculous glittering glues or shower heads with 8 different jet options. No sir, just a humble man with his bare hands alone on my roof!" Seba hollered.

"None of those items are involved in roofing." Larten muttered, rubbing his temples.

"Glitter glue belongs with every DIY project!" Kurda protested.

"And I will tell you another thing!" Seba continued obliviously. "When I was your age, Santa did not go around catering to the whims of the children, oh no. There was no list-writing or sitting on laps. Whatever happened to the good old Naughty and Nice system, hmm? All you had to do was not be an obstreperous little hellion for 365 days and you would wake up to a whole apple in your stocking, maybe even a bar of soap! I remember one year I was graced with a block of wood for my very own. It was the best day of my life; I was a good boy all year and I earned every splinter of that block! I carved it into a teddy bear. He was my closest ally until my father used him as firewood in the great blizzard…" Seba trailed off sadly. "Godspeed, Alistair. I hope you found peace."

There fell a brief awkward silence.

"I never know what to expect when he starts talking." Mika grumbled. "Kurda, pass me the snowman wrapping paper."

But Kurda was overwhelmed by the emotional depth of Seba's tale and was currently using the paper as a giant shiny Kleenex.

"So are the Hatchimals supposed to go under the tree, or not?" Arrow inquired.

"I told you, they're an investment." Paris sniffed. "I'll just… sell them in 100 years when they're vintage."

"Wrap them anyway!" Harkat demanded. "Beef up… the present pile!"

"But label them for me!" Paris added.

"Perhaps we could put them in Darren's college fund." Said Larten.

"Darren cannot go to college. He is the only one who knows which remote does which stuff. Besides, when I was your age, we did not pay hundreds of dollars to memorize pompous texts pulled from the rear ends of pompous scholars! We simply carried on the family business whether it was doctoring or tooth-pulling or cattle-thievery! And we never cried about debt because we had none!" Seba was spiraling again.

"I wish Darren… was here to… laugh about Seba… thinking college costs just… hundreds of dollars." said Harkat.

"How do you know what college costs, Harkat?"

"I have… dreams. Now focus! This… segway isn't going to… wrap itself."

"WHO'S GETTING A SEGWAY?" Arrow bellowed, emerging from the den of wrapping paper and ribbons he'd been ensconced in.

"Not you. You were bad this year." Larten grumbled.

"I spoiled ONE episode of Stranger Things. Let it go!" Arrow whined back.

"I was perfect! I'm always perfect and you're always barbarians!" Kurda wailed. "I get the segway! Don't you laugh at me, Mika! I'm the one who walked in on you plucking your eyebrows last March and didn't tell anyone!"

Mika assumed a dangerously tight grip on the craft scissors and ribbon he was holding.

"I don't pluck my eyebrows! They're naturally aggressive! He's lying! I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH THIS FUCKING RIBBON!"

Kurda yelped and tried to scamper to safety but slipped on a sheet of paper and went skidding into Larten's reindeer teepee. After picking himself up from the floor he attempted to make haste but ran smack into another wall- his vision was obstructed due to the 6 feet of reindeer paper that he was now entrapped in. Mika pounced and attempted to make good his threat of ribbon strangling. Larten and Paris descended into the fray, Larten beating Mika with a cardboard paper roll and Paris attempting to coax the scissors from his grasp while Kurda screeched: "save my hair first! I can't rock a bob!"

Meanwhile, Larten, incensed by memories of the past, spied an opportunity:

"YOU DO NOT EVEN LIKE THE SHOW, AND IT WAS THE FINALE, YOU IGNORANT SWINE!"

And with that he launched a full-scale attack on Arrow who was distracted by trying to pry Paris and Harkat off Mika who was blindly determined to finish his assassination of Kurda.

"OW CREPS, what the fuck man?!" Arrow whined as Larten attempted to gouge out his eyes – or pull his eyebrows off, he couldn't tell which. It was hard to coordinate ones' hand movements in an all-out brawl like this had turned into. Seba leapt into the pile and started throwing punches for no discernable reason. Harkat wept in the corner and thanked his lucky stars that Darren wasn't here to witness this. Then again, he'd dealt with brawls a time or two. Maybe he'd have something useful to offer… but seeing as he was a love-blinded teenager whose current priority was sulking in his room and presumably listening to obscure hipster music, probably not. Harkat wiped his tears and decided this task was beyond saving- he'd wrap everything personally once they all went to bed. Onwards and upwards!

"Guys… enough. It's time to… stop. Settle down. I'm serious… you're going to… hurt yourselves. There is already… blood on the floor. I'm not… cleaning that up. And you've… knocked Arrow… unconscious… again. I mean it now. Stop fighting! Guys! Stop!"

No response. Fine. Okay.

"WE… NEED… TO… MAKE… MORE… COOKIES!"

There was dead silence within a millisecond. The brawlers disentangled from each other and lined up as smartly as the kids from The Sound Of Music. Even Arrow came to consciousness as Mika carefully propped him up.

"To the kitchen."