Shepard waited as her crew filed out of the comm room. Garrus and Tali, escorting Liara to med bay. Wrex and Kaidan going with Kirrahe. Her crew, all accounted for. All except one, and Ashley would never step foot on the Normandy again. The noise of footsteps on metal flooring faded away as the door finally shut behind the last person. Shepard was finally able to bury her aching head in her hands, eyes closed, hoping the nausea would clear up enough for her to go before anyone started wondering where she was. She hadn't wanted to say anything, not when Ashley was gone, and Liara was weak, and they had made a major step in their fight against Saren. This was trivial. They needed their commander to be strong, confident and in charge, even if she felt nothing like any of that.

"Commander?" That was Kaidan's voice. She'd thought he had gone. Shepard wasn't really sure if she wanted to talk to him right now. They were both of them confused and hurting over Ashley's loss. She had done her best to save them both; this once, she had failed. And forced to pick between the two of them, she had known who she had to save, and why.

Of course there had been the nuke. Logically, she had had to go back to make sure Saren's geth didn't stop the detonation somehow. That had been her head's reason for going back for Kaidan. But her heart knew there was a more pressing reason why, and she knew that she would have gone back even if it hadn't been the logical thing to do. But how did you tell someone that? I let Ashley die because of how much I care about you. It was a horrible admission to make.

Even more terrible…there had been a real temptation to rescue Ash instead. Instead of Kaidan because she knew how she felt about him and that just wasn't acceptable in her position. There had been a moment where she had almost gone for Ashley to prove that her emotions didn't have control over her. But the nuke had stopped her. The nuke had been her salvation even while it was Ashley's end.

"Shepard…" The note in his voice was different this time, something more tender and gentle. His own admission that he felt the same way, about her and about what their feelings had cost them. She heard him crouch down next to her. "You sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine, Kaidan, promise. Just tired," she reassured him, then pushed herself out of the chair to prove it. Bad idea, she realized, when her vision swam and her knees buckled.

Kaidan's arms kept her from hitting the floor. "That's it, you're going to see Dr. Chakwas," he said firmly, his voice full of worry now.

"I'm fine, Kaidan, really," she insisted, trying to push him away. "Just got up too fast."

"That thing on Virmire may have done something to you," he argued, not relinquishing his grip on her. "You need to be checked out."

Shepard tried to pull away again. "I don't have time for this," she protested. "I just need to sit down for a minute and I'll be fine…"

"You're going to see the doctor if I have to drag you there myself," he told her grimly, then proceeded to make good on his word by hauling her up into his arms. That was completely unacceptable. She was a Marine, not some princess that needed rescuing, even if she did fancy the knight in question.

"Kaidan, put me down!" she ordered, to no avail. "Alenko!" He kept moving towards the comm room door. Finally, she pulled rank in frustration. "Lieutenant!"

That got his attention. He stopped stiffly and dropped her back down to her feet. "See, I'm fine," she told him, before she had to catch his arm again when her knees threatened to give way a second time. This time, Kaidan said nothing, though there was definitely a touch of I told you in his expression.

"Fine," she sighed. "Just…don't carry me. I'm not some damsel in distress that you need to rescue."

He winced. "Shepard, you know that's not what I think. Far as I'm concerned, there's not a more capable person in the universe than you."

"I know, Kaidan, I know," she said wearily. "It's just that the crew needs to see me at my best."

"Yes ma'am," he replied. This time he waited to follow her lead and limited his aid to an arm around the waist to help her keep her balance. They managed to skirt the majority of the crew without notice since the Normandy was down to a skeleton crew at the moment. It had seemed heartless not to give them all a chance to mourn Ashley's loss, and how close they had all come to joining her.

They finally reached the med bay, empty except for Dr. Chakwas. Liara must have already been examined and sent to her quarters to rest. At least that meant her condition probably wasn't very serious. They couldn't afford to lose another person just now.

"Commander Shepard," the doctor noted with surprise. "How can I help you? If you're here to check on Dr. T'soni," the older woman supplied, "I've already sent her to her room. Simple exhaustion, nothing a few hours of sleep won't cure."

"My mother hen here thinks I need a doctor," Shepard said dryly, nodding her head at Kaidan.

"You nearly collapsed in the comm room," Kaidan retorted. "That's trouble in my book."

Chakwas motioned towards one of the tables. "Have a seat, Commander, and I'll take a look." Shepard did as she was told, knowing that Kaidan wasn't going to leave her alone about it until she did. The doctor set about with her examination. "Symptoms?"

"Nothing," she answered. "A headache and a little nausea. I'm just tired, that's all."

"Don't forget the 'almost collapsing' part," Kaidan put in, a hint of what might have been sarcasm or frustration in his normally even tone.

The doctor made no comment. "Are you still having nightmares?"

"I wouldn't call them 'nightmares'," Shepard replied. "More like visions. They're more real than plain nightmares."

Chakwas nodded. "But you're still not sleeping?"

"Not much," she admitted.

The doctor nodded again. "And when was the last time you ate something?" The commander didn't answer immediately, trying to remember. That seemed to be answer enough for Chakwas.

She turned towards Kaidan. "Lieutenant. I need you to go down to the mess hall, and get enough rations for three or four. Biotic rations," she clarified. "And some of those energy drinks they make for you." Shepard made a face at that, she hated those things. If the Alliance was going to put so much money and effort into its biotics, they could at least make the stuff taste even remotely palatable. Kaidan gave them a confused, worried look then did as he was told. He was a good Marine.

"Now then, Commander," said the doctor, holding up a needle, "let's take care of you."

-~0~-

Kaidan made his way back from the mess, carefully balancing rations and bottles of drink. He'd tried to remember what she liked, not that there was much to like in Alliance rations. And she hated the energy drinks, so it was more about picking her least despised flavor rather than her favorite. The errand itself confused him. Was Doctor Chakwas just trying to get him out of the room? Maybe something was seriously wrong with Shepard. He didn't know what they would do if they lost her. He didn't know what he would do if he lost her.

He walked back into the med bay more concerned than ever now. He found Shepard seated on one of the monitoring beds, nodding her head at some instruction Doctor Chakwas was giving her.

"Ah, lieutenant," Chakwas greeted him. "Good timing. Sit down," she said, vacating her chair next to Shepard's bed, offering it to him. "Now both of you, eat," she ordered, her tone leaving no room for protest. "The first drug I gave you should reduce the nausea, Commander, so you should eat until the second one kicks in."

Kaidan took his seat and put meals in front of himself and Shepard. Though he put fork to mouth, he tasted nothing, the food more flavorless than usual. They ate mechanically in silence – Kaidan wanted to say something to break the awkwardness but he had no idea where to begin. He knew what was on both their minds…Ashley's death on Virmire. It should have been Ashley here in his place. She hadn't deserved to die, not so young, not like that. But then who would be looking after Shepard now, if not him? It was his duty to watch her back, wasn't it?

He was sorry Ash was gone, but at the same time, he was glad he was here, by Shepard's side. That thought made him feel all the more guilty. Nothing in the world could make up for Ashley's loss, but if there was anything that could ever begin to make it worthwhile, it was this chance to be with her. Except that he couldn't. They were both still Marines, both still on duty, both still on too important of a mission to let feelings get in the way. Maybe one day, when this was all over. When Saren was gone and the Reapers stopped, maybe then he could say something. But until then, they had to wait. He had to wait.

Eventually Shepard's movements slowed, growing more sluggish as her eyes began to droop a bit. "That's enough of that," Chakwas said, stepping in to remove the tray in front of Shepard. "Lay back, Commander," she instructed. "We'll keep an eye on your brainwaves tonight, see if we can keep the worst of the visions away so you can get some rest tonight."

Kaidan hovered by her side as Shepard's breathing slowed to the peaceful rhythm of sleep. He fretted while the doctor monitored machine outputs, making small adjustments for a few minutes. Finally, he just couldn't take it anymore.

"What's wrong with her, doctor? Will she be okay?" he asked anxiously.

"The same thing that's wrong with everyone on the Normandy right now, Kaidan," the doctor replied. "Everyone is on edge. Too much stress, no one is eating or sleeping, and Shepard is the worst of the lot. The two of you should know better," the doctor continued, a hint of exasperation coloring her voice. "You're both biotics. You know what your physical requirements are."

Kaidan stared at her without comprehension. Dr. Chakwas sighed. "I'm surprised you don't recognize the symptoms. She has a migraine Kaidan, that's all."

"But...Shepard is an L3," he stammered. She had the safe implants, not like his L2s.

"Biotic implants aren't the only cause of migraines, lieutenant," Chakwas explained with a small smile. "No one on board this vessel is taking this mission more personally than the commander. I'm surprised she hasn't collapsed under all the pressure sooner, to be honest." The doctor watched him appraisingly for a moment. "Have you told her yet?"

"What?" Kaidan stared at her in confusion.

"That you love her, of course," the doctor replied matter-of-factly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

He didn't reply at first. She wasn't wrong. He did love this woman, everything about her. How fearless and dedicated she was, her self-sacrificial spirit and her determination to save everyone and everything, no matter the personal cost. How capable she was, and how despite all of the crap she had been put through and seen in her life she never lost hope that things would turn out right. How she could be the toughest soldier he had ever met without denying her femininity in the process, or how she could make difficult decisions in the field but still feel the repercussions so much. But he couldn't tell her any of that, not right now.

"It wouldn't be appropriate," he said instead.

"Love rarely waits until an appropriate moment," Chakwas answered. The doctor fiddled a bit more with the equipment.

"She'll be fine, Kaidan," the doctor said finally. "You're more than welcome to stay a while though, if you'd like. Just don't wait too long."

He nodded, knowing she meant more than just tonight. He watched Shepard sleeping for half the night, wishing he could work up the courage to break protocol and say all the things he felt inside. But in the end, when she woke, he had gone, ready to face any adversary with her but this one.