Chapter 35!
Title:"Wonderings and Wrongs…"
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
…
Note: phew...This ones a bit more than twice the size of my normal chapters...
P L E A S E R E A D:
P L E A S E R E A D:
P L E A S E R E A D:
… In case you were wondering why I chose the strong word 'lovers' for Kakashi and Sakura, it's because I don't mean for it to be taken in the English context, but more of the Japanese context for their word 'lover' which is 'koibito'. It's translated as lover, but it really means something much sweeter and purer, but it's not as childish as 'kare' or 'kanojo' which are their 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.
As far as I know the English language doesn't have the same sort of medium between boy/girlfriend and lover…. So I picked what I thought was best.
Hopefully you understand.
...
Yayz for 'substance'?… (:/)
…
….
I kicked a pebble along the street, my sandal scraping across the dirt with a grainy scuff.
I wondered whether Kakashi-sensei was already at the meeting or not.
My mind wondered to the subject of the meeting.
… I couldn't help but wish I could know what they were talking about….
But I'd have to deal with what I already knew… which was already too much.
Then again… tomorrow … I'd probably find out everything about 'Asaka'…
… Tomorrow…. It's too far away.
I wondered exactly they would tell us at the debriefing meeting tomorrow… would they still keep everything a secret? Or would they give us some sort of hint of who exactly our enemy is?
I suddenly remembered something when I thought about the debriefing meeting.
Naruto. Sai.
I felt like slapping my palm to my face for a second.
I was so wrapped up in my own life, I'd forgotten that they probably didn't know the mission had been moved up.
I had to tell them.
My feet felt heavier as I turned around, going back the way I came.
I realized that I had actually been looking forward to crashing onto my bed and wasting the day away… which was such a weird thought… I think I was looking forward to a calm afternoon before whatever weirdness I knew was going to happen tomorrow.
But I shrugged that thought off as I turned my attention back to my current job.
…
Sai's apartment was near here… I guess I should go see if he was home.
He was either there, or maybe the library…. That's if he wasn't trailing behind Naruto, like he seemed to be doing a lot lately.
…
I noticed how slow I was walking.
…I felt so worn out from everything.
This mission…
It was definitely one of the more tiring ones I've had, and we hadn't even started it!
…
…maybe that was because it felt… personal…
Asaka…
That name had haunted me for what seemed so long already…
….
I definitely wasn't looking forward to seeing the owner of that name in person…
….
…..
I knocked on Sai's door gently.
I looked around for a second, waiting… trying to take an interest in my surroundings, instead of what was in my head.
His apartment complex was in the fancier part of Konoha…
Even though he lived alone and got the same income Naruto and I did, he must still have ANBU paying for his living expenses.
I wondered what it felt like to live alone for only a moment… imagining how it would make things a bit easier when it came to late-night visitors, well, my only late-night visitor, Kakashi-sensei,… but living alone must've actually been really lonely.
I was the only person on our team that had a family…
…
Before I could think any further on that thought, the door opened with a little click, I flinched with surprise.
I hadn't really been expecting him to be home.
"Oh, Sakura-san…" He greeted me with a polite, uniform smile.
Even though it was kind of hard to tell… I could almost see how his smiles were growing more sincere as time passed.
I smiled back.
"I just wanted to come by and let you know that the mission was moved up. We have to meet in the morning, it should be at the regular time." I explained, trying to raise my spirits with the fake smile.
But as soon as I mentioned the mission, his face suddenly fell.
That polite little aura we had suddenly weakened.
"Sakura-san… There's something that I wanted to discuss with you and Naruto before we started this mission…" He sounded serious.
"What is it?" I asked up, not caring to hide my sudden curiosity.
I already knew more than I should have…
But…
I really didn't want any nasty surprises while onthis mission…
I grimaced at the thought…
"Please, come in, I'll get you some tea…" He ignored my question as I suddenly saw his face flash with surprise for a second.
It almost looked like he just remembered something…
The way he invited me in, it sounded so much like something he had read from those social books.
Maybe he had just remembered the phrase to use when inviting in a visitor?
He probably didn't have company over that much, so this was new for him.
"Thank you, sorry to disturb you." I responded with a similar book-like answer, hoping it would help him.
I walked into the well furnished, art-covered room.
Besides the painting supplies and half-finished canvases lain across the area next to the window, everything else seemed very clean and organized.
He immediately walked over to the countertop on the far side of the room.
I looked around a bit more as he prepared some tea.
I noticed a small, sun-bleached, red scroll sitting on his windowsill, the word 'nakama' written on it very neatly.
Somehow I remembered it from somewhere.
I heard the familiar sound of kettle-water spilling into a cup.
"I had planned to tell Naruto first, but this seems like an opportune time to tell you, Sakura-san." He explained his recently revised plan, stealing my attention again as he carried only a singly cup of tea to the side table.
He must've not read somewhere that it was more common to prepare two cups so that the guest would feel more comfortable, since drinking alone can be a little awkward.
I tried to push that from my mind as quickly as possible, annoyed that I even thought of it.
But my mother was to blame for my etiquette training… she had signed me up to those kunoichi classes (where I had first met Ino), those classes not only taught me table manners and bouquet arranging, but hostessing as well.
He set down the little clay cup onto the tabletop softly, looking up at me with a faint, serious look.
It was evident that that was his true expression right now.
There was something about Sai's social awkwardness that was really refreshing, it took some getting used to, at first, but now I rather liked being around him… he was so honest.
I couldn't imagine him keeping any emotions or worries to himself for too long.
He gently waved a hand to the chair next to him, offering it kindly.
I followed his lead and sat in the chair next to that side-table, picking up the tea… taking a sip.
He walked across the room to the stool in front of the easel, ignoring the comfier chair across from mine.
He probably liked the stool more.
I could almost imagine him spending hours sitting there, peacefully painting.
I was woken from those calm thoughts when he spoke up.
"Asaka is dangerous."
He leaned his elbows onto his knees.
Nobody had used that name like that before… everybody had used it as more as the name of an idea… because we could only imagine who it belonged to.
But now… the way he said that… like a name of a real person.
…
He definitely knew more about Asaka than I did.
But then again… What I knew probably wasn't something he did….
…...…..
His hand closed on the doorknob tightly, about ready to swing it open with force, but a voice stopped him.
"Kakashi, don't try to leave right after you just got here!" Tsunade's yelling rang louder than any of the arguing ANBU members and Jounins at the meeting table.
It was rare to call for a meeting that required mixing the main force with the secret one… but this issue affected the history of both.
"I'm sorry, but my tolerance for stupidity has already reached its limit…" Kakashi turned around slowly, smiling sarcastically as he almost growled those words.
"I know you don't want to be here, but you can't abandon your colleagues when they need information!... If anything happens to you on this mission, we need to know as much as we possibly can." Tsunade argued.
"I'm not leaving because I don't want to be here. And I know my duty to my colleagues." Kakashi corrected her, still feeling agitated. "I'm leaving because I can't sit around and be interrogated with these completely useless questions while I could be preparing for tomorrow!"
"Hatake, that's enough!" yelled an ANBU officer from the table.
Kakashi clenched his jaw tensely.
It irritated him when people called him by his family name, especially when they were trying to order him around.
But instinct took over, and he started calming himself down, and tried to ignore his anger.
"It was a valid question that you still haven't answered, Hatake." The ANBU officer, Reiji Kotarou, asked, using the name he knew bothered Kakashi. "So take a seat and try answering it without storming out."
…
After a moment of exchanging a glance with Tsunade, Kakashi followed the orders.
…
He remembered his time in ANBU, when this Kotarou-'taichou' was still only a lieutenant.
Kakashi had ordering rights over him at the time.
But now that he wasn't a part of ANBU anymore, he could technically be treated like a civilian…. But he knew the other ANBUs in the room, who had all, at some point, worked with, or under, Kakashi, were still hesitant to be as bossy or as demanding as Kotarou was.
Kakashi took his seat at the table quietly.
Everybody went silent.
After a moment, Kotarou waved his hand towards the quiet young man who was designated to ask the questions and record the answers…
"Ask it again…" Kotarou ordered.
… The young man nodded obediently…
"Kakashi-san," The recorder started off, a little hesitantly, "… Have you, or do you have any future plans of rejoining the forces led by the ex-ANBU member, Asaka Sato?"
"No, I was never a part of those 'forces'…" Kakashi answered as politely, but as quickly as he could. He really just wanted to get past all these formalities, tell them what they needed to know, and get away from all this.
The recorder scribbled the short answer onto his paper.
Kakashi took the moment to shoot a glare at Kotarou, who actually flinched a little… maybe he did still remember Kakashi's intimidating career in ANBU.
"Kakashi-san…"
Don't let it be another ridiculous one… Kakashi asked the forces of the universe that had lately been playing tricks on him anyways.
"… Have you ever, do you, or will you ever have a personal, or romantic, relationship with the individual Asaka?"
…
Murmurs could be heard across the table.
Tsunade sighed with agitation, closing her eyes as she scowled downward… she didn't look like she was going to say anything.
Kakashi immediately wanted to do several things.
Punch whoever made these questions.
Leave.
Turn down this mission.
And find Sakura…
But of course he couldn't do any of those things, each of which were, or practically were, illegal.
The best he could do now, was to give them the answers they needed as fast as he could.
He used the patience he didn't know he had left, and answered the question politely… but not happily.
"… I once had a personal, romantic, relationship with… Sato… but I am not, nor do I plan, on developing any sort of relationship with her again…"
He felt numb when he said that.
…
The recorder scribbled that longer answer onto the separate paper.
The other men at the table were still exchanging spare words and nervous glances.
Kakashi shot a single glare at them, too…
Everything went silent.
…
Usually Kakashi was always polite, even if he was only being sarcastic… and he rarely showed his anger or irritation… but this subject was always an exception for him.
He was never himself when… Asaka… was brought up around him.
…
The recorder finished his scribbling, and moved down to the next question on the list.
The young man hesitated for a moment.
Kakashi's stomach clenched subconsciously … it was a battle-habit., to prepare for getting punched… he felt like he should anticipate whatever impact this question was going to have on him.
"Can you describe, in detail, the events that led to the incident that happened eight years ago, which involved the deaths of your entire squadron immediately before the disappearance of Asaka Sato?"
…
…...…..
…
Sai shared his usual, unabashed, eye-contact with me.
He took a tense moment to find his words.
"I overheard some of the older ANBU members at headquarters talking about something that happened eight years ago…" He started with a polite tone. "…I hadn't been paying much attention till one of them mentioned 'Asaka'…" Sai explained calmly, turning over to his easel, an unfinished painting on it.
…
Eight years ago?
That was so long ago… is that why I hadn't heard that name before now?
…
"What did they say happened?" I asked him, leaning over my tea eagerly, suddenly not feeling thirsty anymore.
He took a breath, like he knew he'd be talking a long time.
He picked up one of the painting brushes.
"Eight years ago… there was a big falling out between the ANBU forces and the main Konoha forces…Politics were still unstable since the Shinobi wars hadn't been over for too long..." He dabbed his brush into a small cup of a dark indigo pigment. "…When the Third was calling for continued peace, there were some radicals within ANBU who believed that by continuing the peace, the tension between the countries would only grow and evolve into an even greater war…"
I paid attention to every word as Sai grazed the brush along the canvas calmly.
I knew some of this already, but I was looking for any details that could help my confusion.
"That was when a particular squad made up of those radicals committed some sort of treason… I'm sorry, but the two I was eavesdropping from didn't go into details… but something happened to that squad… again, I don't know the details, but it was clear that the radicals failed whatever they were trying to accomplish… all of them died."
"What?" I was leaning forward even more, absorbing everything.
Sai only mixed colors on his palette.
"Whatever happened between those squad members, all of them died because of it… except two…"
Sai drug down his paintbrush, creating a long streak from the top to bottom.
He stopped at that.
I didn't have to ask the obvious question before he spoke up again.
"One was this 'Asaka'… the other one was…"
…...…
"… Kakashi-san."
Kakashi looked up from his hands.
They felt stained, again.
Telling that story… it always brought back… memories.
The people he lost that night…
The countless months of pity and suspicion that followed.
The countless times he had to recite that same exact story for 'the records'.
He had hoped he'd never have to revisit what happened that night.
…
The recorder started his next question.
….
…...….
…
Leaving Sai's apartment was even more awkward than it was being invited in.
He looked like he was in a hurry…. Probably to go tell Naruto.
Well, since Sai was going to go see Naruto…
"When you see Naruto, could you please tell him about the mission meeting tomorrow morning…" I asked him politely as I walked out of the door.
"Of course." He answered as politely as usual.
"Thank you…" I responded… suddenly grateful to him… right now I was really looking forward to falling into bed…
But I still couldn't think as straight as I wanted to.
What he just told me…
Kakashi-sensei and 'Asaka' were the only two left …
An entire squad… killed…
I waved a little weakly at him as I started to walk away, already feeling myself drown in my thoughts of all this…
That was until Sai called me back.
"Sakura-san…"
I turned around, feeling a little numb to the outside world.
"Yes?" I called back, facing him again, trying to act normal.
…
He took a moment. His eyes scanned over my face like he was trying to check something.
I didn't have time to wonder why until he started talking, again.
"This isn't important, professionally… but I fell like you would want to know…"
…
"What?"
"From the way the two lieutenants I was listening to talked about Kakashi-san and this Asaka… it was greatly implied that the relationship between the two was closer than appropriate between team members." He explained smoothly.
I froze.
… what?
…
… Of course I knew what he just told me, it had been tumbling through my brain for a while now… but the way he told me…
… something was off…
"Why did you think I would want to know about that?" I asked a little forwardly.
…
"No reason." He smiled.
My previous appreciation of his 'honesty' was shaken with that fake, knowing smile.
"Bye, Sakura-san…"
He closed the door before I could decide whether to say something or not.
…. Why'd he say that?
…. Why'd he have that look?
…. Could he possibly know something?
I stood there, struggling whether to take a step away from the door or towards it.
I really wanted to into that room and ask him straight out exactly why he said that…. But
… if I did… then it would be the greatest tip-off that there was something to know…
I slowly walked away from the door, still double-checking my logic.
… I should just act like it didn't mean anything to me…
… but maybe it really was nothing…
I made it to the street. The crowds weren't helping my upcoming thought-headache...
… no… it can't be as simple as I want it to be…
… He must've picked up on something.
Thinking back on everything now… there had been so many chances for him to.
We always thought he was as clueless as Naruto… that even if he did notice something weird, he wouldn't know what to make of it… that he wouldn't recognize how two people who couldn't get enough of each other would act.
But maybe... in one of those books… he read some sort of tell-tale sign that he saw between me and Kakashi.
…
In the end, it was obvious that he at least knew that I had feelings for Kakashi-sensei… otherwise he wouldn't have told me something I already knew like he was granting me a favor… and it was also obvious that this was my fault for not being as talented an actor, or liar, as Kakashi-sensei…
…
Sai might know something, he might not.
But if Kakashi and I continued on like this, the way we have been… then Sai will definitely find out, of not others first…
I suddenly felt the need to pick up my pace.
I started speed-walking through the streets, making a beeline home.
I couldn't think.
I really just wanted to talk with Kakashi about this… we really needed to talk about this and what we had to do.
… Wait…
I came to a sudden stop when I was only a single block from my house.
If I talk to Kakashi-sensei about Sai, and how Sai almost hinted that he knew something wasn't completely platonic between me and Kakashi… then I'd have to tell Kakashi why I thought Sai knew something.
I'd have to tell him what Sai had told me.
Which is exactly what Iruka-sensei told me.
Which is something I definitely wasn't supposed to tell Kakashi about.
… So did this mean I'd have to deal with Sai by myself?
But this wasn't actually about Sai… this was about how close Kakashi and I were…
If I wanted to fix this, I needed to build some distance between Kakashi and me again, and if I just started acting distant towards him all of a sudden, he would have to get curious, and end up finding out anyways!
UGH!
I started running to my house.
Everything felt so heavy… I felt so tired, so confused.
All these thoughts that kept spinning in my head were driving me crazy!
It was so hard trying to juggle all of these secrets!
…
I threw myself onto my bed… hoping the peace and happiness I felt earlier this morning would come back….
…
I didn't feel anything…
….
Today was definitely getting much worse than I thought it would be.
…
…...…..
"Thank you, everyone…" Tsunade finally dismissed the meeting after several excruciating hours of questions, debating, planning.
This whole meeting was dedicated to Plan B… what would happen if Kakashi and his team didn't come back from this mission.
…
It was quite encouraging…
…
But this definitely wasn't normal, missions weren't always treated like this... but ones that were directly related to previous acts of treason, especially recently-committed treasons, it was always a more serious matter.
The tired Jounins and ANBU members stood up from their places, all of them only mumbling about how tired they were, or thanking each other for their hard work…
Kotarou-taichou was still as sharp and as demanding as he was when the meeting started, immediately requesting the recorder to copy the information that he had gathered during the meeting, and deliver the report to his office in the morning.
Kakashi definitely didn't have the energy he had this morning, nor the patience, but he didn't want to waste any time getting to Sakura… seeing her right now would be a breath of oxygen after being held underwater for too long.
As he reached the street he noticed that the sun was already starting to set.
…...….
I rolled over in bed…
This time the light in the room wasn't the golden, comforting morning light.
It was darker; the shadows were longer… the sun was already setting.
I couldn't believe it was the same day as before… everything felt completely different.
I wondered how long I had been asleep.
I looked over to my alarm clock… it had been 3 hours since I finally managed to fall asleep.
The room had gotten really gloomy.
I wanted to go over and turn on my desk lamp, but I didn't want to get up.
I rolled onto my back again.
I put my hands on my face, shutting everything out the best I could.
All these thoughts.
I couldn't organize any of them.
I couldn't label any of them.
… all these secrets.
None of it felt right.
… but what actually bothered me the most…
Kakashi-sensei….
He was the one who had so much to deal with:
Asaka.
What had happened eight years ago.
And I couldn't believe for a second that he hadn't thought, or worried, about what would happen if I discovered his past with Asaka.
…
It hurt… knowing he wanted to keep secrets from me… but it hurt more to know that I still hadn't earned enough of his trust so that he would tell me these things.
I guess I still hadn't proven myself.
…
Or maybe these things just go too far into his personal past… like he wouldn't have told anyone.
…
… I only knew some of the surface story, but I could tell that the pain that woman must've caused him was deep…
…
… What happened eight years ago?
… What kind of man was Kakashi?
… Was he actually part of that radical squad?
I tightened my hands against my face…
What could I possibly do to make any of this better?
…
I felt fingers pry mine away from my face.
I almost bolted up with surprise until I recognized the lips that immediately landed on mine.
I hadn't even heard the balcony door slide open.
Either I was even worse at detection than I thought I was or I had really been lost in those thoughts right now.
But I really didn't care which one it was.
My hands completely left my face as they suddenly grabbed onto his shoulders.
I really missed touching him.
I was sick of only thinking about him.
But after this afternoon… he seemed farther away from me than ever before…
… So, feeling him like this helped.
He broke away after a second, standing up straight again, I immediately sat up on the bed, my arms locking around his waist in a quick hug.
He felt so solid... so stable…safe.
He chuckled tiredly only once as his hand fell on the top of my head, it curled around and under my arm, unhinging my hug gently.
He lifted me up, making me stand so that he could hold me back.
God, I loved how warm and heavy his arms felt when he held me like this.
…
It was amazing how we didn't have to say anything to enjoy this… but…
I couldn't let the silence continue forever… even though there was a part of me that wanted it to.
…
"How'd it go?" I used my voice for the first time in many hours. I buried my face further into his shirt.
I was glad he wasn't wearing his vest, which was too thick to feel his chest through.
"As well as was expected…" His voice sounded even more tired than mine, but I still loved it.
Again, I wondered what exactly they talked about…
"Bad?" I offered a general adjective.
"Tiring…" He sighed, his arms closing around me tighter.
It felt so wonderful.
… I felt like I could fall asleep in his arms.
That serenity didn't last long when I suddenly heard voices from downstairs.
"Honey, I thought you were going to fix this window last weekend!" My mom called to my dad, who was probably still in his study, reading.
"…I said I'd do it this weekend." He corrected her just as loudly.
"Sure!" She answered back sarcastically.
… I really felt like running downstairs and telling them to be quiet.
They were embarrassing sometimes.
I pulled myself closer into his arms, trying to forget that awkward interruption. I tried not to think what must've been going through his head at that moment
He probably wasn't used to being in relationships with girls who still lived with their parents, with a girl whose parents were still her legal guardians.
I grimaced at myself for only a moment.
I felt Kakashi chuckle… that helped a little.
"That reminds me… I ran into your mother this afternoon." He spoke up softly, with a casual tone.
… I immediately felt embarrassed that he even had to say something like that. 'I ran into your mother'… It was just so much of a reminder of how far apart we were…
"What'd she do?" I asked up a little cheekily, actually feeling a little nervous, already knowing the answer.
She really did track him down?
"She just asked about you…" He explained calmly, one of his hands reached up to the ends of my hair "… apparently, you didn't get home till eight last night, she was worried."
"Oh… yeah…" Was the best reply I could think of.
…
The way he said 'eight'… it sounded like he was trying to ask me something.
I really hoped he'd forget about it.
I really really hoped he'd shrug it off and just keep holding me like this.
I looked out my window, not really paying attention to how the top of the sun was slowly disappearing behind the buildings. I barely noticed his fingers curling in my hair…
I wished I could enjoy that… but I felt my stomach burn a little nervously.
"So, what happened?" He asked with a voice that sounded like he wasn't expecting anything bad.
My hopes were denied by the universe…
… I really couldn't lie to Kakashi… Not only because he could probably tell a lie from a mile away, but… it just felt wrong.
So when he asked me that just now, there was no going back…
I took a second to think of a reply, my hands tightening their grasp on his back.
"I-I went to go see a friend…" I tried to shorten the answer to the point that it wouldn't give anything away.
I hoped even more that he'd be happy with that.
But I guess the answer was too vague… He didn't give up…
"Who?" He asked down to me, sounding a little more expectant.
He could already tell I was trying to hide something, couldn't he?
… I had to tell him the truth…
"Iruka… -sensei…" I added the suffix of his name a little late on accident. I sounded so awkward.
Why couldn't I be such a smooth talker (or a smooth liar) like Kakashi and fix this?
"You went to go see Iruka?" He asked further, his voice losing its softness. He really sounded interested now… but it wasn't a good kind of interested.
"Yeah… I… He wanted to talk me at the Academy…" I elaborated weakly, my hands falling down his back a little, feeling defeated.
"The Academy? At night?..." He suddenly pushed me a few inches away from him. He looked down at me. His face wasn't as gentle as it usually was. He was definitely invested in knowing more… and I felt my anxiety build as I waited for his next question.
I could almost hear the words now, 'What did he want to talk to you about?'
And I still had no idea what I would say… but I knew it would have to be the truth…
His voice finally rumbled through his chest again.
"… You two were alone?..."
… Wait…
That wasn't what I thought he was going to say.
And the way he said that.
Why'd he say it with a voice like that?
"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked up to him, not feeling really anxious anymore… but still nervous. His expression was cold.
"Quite a lot." He said that with the most serious tone, looking down at me like he was trying to tell me something.
I wasn't stupid.
I pushed myself from him farther, more than a little shocked.
His hands still held onto my arms loosely.
"Where is this coming from?"I asked a little louder.
Was he really suggesting that Iruka-sensei… ?
"Nowhere." He answered shortly before he continued. "But it is rather inappropriate for a 26-year-old man to invite a young girl for a conversation at the deserted Academy grounds." He sounded so serious, like he really couldn't hear what he was saying about Iruka-sensei.
"What the-? How could you even think that?" I asked, raising my voice, but keeping it low enough that my parents, downstairs wouldn't hear me.
Those two words stung me… 'young girl'… is that still what I was in his eyes?
I felt my frustration grow…
"I don't know what he was planning, but he should've known better, as an adult, than to set up such a suspicious meeting like that." He looked down at me, seriously.
I had never seen his entire face give such a serious expression… it was hard to look him in the eye.
After a moment, my brain finally wrapped around his words.
What's going on?
Are we really having this conversation?
I took another step back, his hands were completely off of me.
"'Planning'? We're talking about Iruka!" I argued.
I really couldn't imagine Iruka-sensei being…
It was so strange, I hadn't even thought about it till Kakashi brought it up… looking back at that conversation, that hug didn't feel so innocent anymore…. It felt like I did something wrong now.
The memory of his arms, his gentler-than-I was-used-to voice, his softer-than-I-was-used-to hands, the scent of chalk and books… looking back on everything in the light Kakashi's words were casting on it… I suddenly felt really… uncertain…
Was I wrong, being so close to Iruka?
"We're talking about a full-grown man and a sixteen year-old girl meeting in a deserted building." He argued back, with a calm but harsh voice, snapping me out of my strange thoughts.
I could hear a form of anger raise in his voice.
It was really scary… but the things he was saying… I couldn't just say nothing!
I forgot all my doubts… I didn't have time to question myself when Kakashi was acting like this.
"You've known him for years!" I pointed out quickly. "You should know he would never even think about doing anything wrong! Iruka-sensei isn't like-"
"Me?" He finished my sentence with the wrong word…
He took a quick step forward, his hand finding my arm.
"No… I didn't mean that." I shot down his hurtful argument as I tugged my arm away from him. It felt unnatural... not wanting him to touch me… but this was getting serious…
What exactly did he think of Iruka?
What exactly did he think of himself?
"Iruka-sensei didn't do anything wrong, he wouldn't do anything…" I explained, unable to find any new words, trying to calm down.
"Even if he didn't… meeting with you like that… if anyone saw you two."His voice calmed, too, but I could still hear the bite in his voice.
"Then they'd see two friends talking."I answered with a firm voice. He kept treating this like it was much more than it was. We only talked!
... and hugged…
I wondered again, if doing that was wrong… it was only a hug, right?
"Talking about what?" His cold voice finally asked he question I'd been expecting before this really strange turn in the conversation.
I welcomed the change but… I really didn't want to answer that question…
I shrunk back a little, losing the self-defensive stance.
I ducked my head down… trying to think of a way to get out of this…
"Sakura?... What did he talk to you about?" His voice pressed me further as he took another step towards me.
Kakashi-sensei never felt as intimidating as he did right now.
He seemed a lot taller now, like he was when I was a kid.
How could he do this to me so easily?
He could make me feel so small and bothersome.
Maybe it was because I knew him when I was smaller and more bothersome.
I shook that thought out of my head as soon as it rested in my head for a second too long.
.. In the end… I had to just answer his question…. I couldn't lie.
"He… We were talking about… the mission." I managed to finish that sentence awkwardly.
He took only a second before he found his voice.
I felt his hands fall onto my shoulders, but I still didn't look up at him.
"What'd he tell you?"
His hands weren't as gentle as before… he seemed to just want to pressure the answer out of me.
… it was working…
His silence was more effective than any stare or question he could ask…
Sorry, Iruka-sensei… but I couldn't keep that favor for you.
I took a little breath, staring at his chest, still not daring to look into his eyes.
… "About Asaka…"
I expected a reaction… but he only just stood there… his hands completely still on my shoulders… I peeked up at his eyes.
He kept looking at me, like he knew there was more to it.
He was waiting for the second part of that sentence, that I hadn't planned, till now, to give him.
He wanted the full answer.
I had no choice… even if I wanted to lie now… his Sharingan could definitely read my face for any lies.
"… and who she was to you." I finished softly, looking down again.
My stomach turned anxiously.
I felt so stupid. Like a little kid in trouble waiting for the consequences of breaking a rule… but this was serious… I wasn't a little kid…
…
Once again, his lack of reaction bothered me.
I didn't know if that meant he had expected me to find out… or that he was just trying to think through everything… or if he was still trying to stare me down.
I was about to look back up to him and say something… anything… but when his hands finally snatched away from me with force, like he didn't want to touch me, he spoke again.
"I have to go have a talk with him." He immediately started walking towards the balcony door.
…
He was going to go find Iruka?
My mind suddenly flashed to what Iruka-sensei said, '… I'd probably get hurt…'.
I thought before that Kakashi wouldn't do something like that…. But he was acting so... different…
He really wasn't himself right now.
I immediately ran across the room, my arms wrapping around his back as tightly as I could… but then again… I felt so weak right now, so tired, so nervous... maybe I wasn't even strong enough to hold him back.
But he stopped in his tracks anyways.
Something about this... this desperate feeling to hold onto him... it felt so... familiar...
This feeling of wanting to stop someone from leaving me behind, from ignoring everything I was trying to say… It felt so familiar, I couldn't help the rising anxiety growing in my chest because of that nostalgic feeling.
"No." I ordered him, that desperation in my voice. "I was the one who wanted to know more. He wouldn't have told me anything if I didn't agree to meet with him." I finally told him the whole truth…
There was nothing left to that secret…
But now that the weight was off my chest, it was suddenly pressuring the bonds of this relationship…
I could feel myself breathing a bit more erratically… I was really nervous of what he was going to do.
He only stood there for another moment… making no movement to even recognize the fact that I was holding onto him like this.
"That doesn't matter." His voice was still so cold.
I cringed towards his back.
"Why not?" I asked, feeling even more like he wasn't actually listening to me.
His fingers, which had only recently pried mine away from my face to kiss me, were prying my fingers off of him now.
He turned around completely, looking down at me… I forced myself to look up at him.
"He was only 17, barely a Jounin, when Asaka was here, he couldn't possibly know anything… It wasn't his place to tell you anything." God, I hated the way he was using his voice… especially when it scared me like this.
I really couldn't stand any of this anymore.
He definitely wasn't himself right now!
My fists clenched as I found my voice, which was louder than before.
"How else was I supposed to find out about what happened all those years ago? Even if he was only 17, he definitely knows more than I do, I was only 8 when it happened!" I looked up into his eyes as I finished my words.
Those words really hit me.
And it looked like they hit him, too.
… The numbers were impossible not to think about…
Kakashi had been 21 at the time Asaka had done her damage, he was already a grown man with so much experience and tragedy in his life… and I had only been 8… arranging flowers, learning hostessing, and developing childish little love rivalries…
…
I looked back up to him, the dark hiding his face a little.
…
He never seemed farther away from me than he did right now….
…
His voice surprised me when he asked the next question.
"Why do you think you need to know more about this?"
It almost sounded like he was in pain…
…
My heart stuttered… I really couldn't find any frustration or anger anymore…
I was suddenly worried that what I just said was going too far.
I calmed down… but I was still really nervous.
"... I just can't stand… secrets…" I offered the true answer weakly…
He shifted on the spot…
"Then you're in the wrong relationship."
…
His voice.
Why did he suddenly sound normal again?
… Why did he say that?
"Wha-What do you mean?" I asked up as quickly as I could, but he didn't answer me.
As soon as I looked up, I could only see his neck.
I felt his lips press against the top my head… but he didn't touch me.
His hands were still at his side.
He wouldn't touch me…
Why wouldn't he touch me?
As soon as I reached for him… he was already backing away.
The next thing I saw was his back as he was walking away from me.
His hand closed around the door handle too soon.
I had to say something.
I had to ask him why he said that.
I had to know what was going on!
"Ka-"
"I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow." He cut me off.
That voice.
I remembered hearing that exact same voice for almost four years… it wasn't the one he only, and always, used with me. It wasn't even an angry or hurt voice… it was normal. It was just so normal.
He looked back at me for only a moment before he disappeared from my balcony.
His mask was on.
I couldn't see his expression in the dark.
…
When he was finally out of sight.
I was left in that, now cold and dark room, without a trace of him.
….