Casey stood under the running water from the shower, the hot water dial nearly to its maximum and the cold barely on at all. Normally, the scalding water would have had her begging for an ice bath, but not tonight. At the moment, however, the attorney could barely feel the reddening of her skin in response to what should have been painful. She sighed and combed her fingers through her beautiful red hair, making sure it was completely rinsed. The tears over Olivia had long since dried up, leaving her numb. She was unable to think of much else, and everything somehow reminded her of her wife, but, nonetheless, she was no longer able to cry.
Casey turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, reaching for her favorite towel. After groping for it for several moments, she paused, confused. She had purposely placed it in its normal spot, the way she always did before taking a shower. She wondered briefly if one of the twins had taken it, but they were at her parents' house, so that option was out. Sighing, Casey looked around the bathroom, realizing, with dismay, that every other towel was currently in the washer, and therefore unable to be used.
"Damn it," the attorney muttered to herself, carefully walking across the tiled floor and out into the bedroom. She yawned, then looked out the window at the dark city outside and sighed. "Why does everything keep going wrong?" she whispered. "I try to do the right thing...I really do. I pay my taxes, I punish the bad guys, I love my children. I only lie when it's absolutely necessary, and I've never cheated, stolen, or done anything against the law. Why are you punishing me like this?" Casey asked, and though she at times wondered if her messages were even heard by whoever was out there in the universe, sometimes just venting out loud like this helped her clear her mind.
She had just curled up on the window seat when she felt a cloth in her lap. Looking down, Casey saw that it was the towel. Slowly, she looked from it to the person who had dropped it there. "What are you doing here?" she demanded, jumping up and quickly covering herself.
"It's not like you have anything that I haven't seen before," came the reply.
Casey scoffed, sidestepping her surprise visitor and rushing out of the light. "Olivia, what the hell are you doing here?" she asked, holding the towel to her naked body. She had never guessed she would one day be hiding her body from the older woman, but things had changed, and privileges had been lost.
Olivia sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. Casey could make out the outline of a folder in the detective's hand. It was the divorce papers, she realized. "Casey, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry? We arrested the creep, saved one of his victims, and then I thought I could come home and we could talk. But instead, after dropping him off at central booking, I drove to work, and found this on my desk!" She dropped the folder onto the bed and sighed. "Do you hate me that much that you can't forgive me?"
"Forgive you?" Casey asked, her voice a high pitched squeak, which infuriated her. That was definitely not what a prosecutor should sound like. She shook her head. "I don't know if I can forgive you, Olivia. I know you thought you could come back and everything would simply fall back into place, but I...I can't do that. You got into bed with another woman, who, might I add, was barely freaking legal. You have no idea how much it broke my heart when you called me that morning and told me. I was gone for three years and I never once betrayed you. Not once! You were gone for less than a month!" Casey sighed and curled up on the window seat, something she always did when she wanted to think, focus, or calm down, all of which she was currently desperate to do.
"I know, Casey, and you have no idea how horrible I feel. When I woke up and it was her I saw, fast asleep next to me, I couldn't believe what I had done. I don't make any excuses for what I did, but maybe, if you would like to forgive me, you can take into account the fact that I had been drinking?" Olivia asked hopefully. "You know how I get when I drink."
Casey sighed, laying her head against the window. "Drinking is no excuse," she whispered. "If it were, think about how many rapists could use that as a defense? Oh, sorry Judge, I didn't mean to rape her, I just had one too many beers. They already use that excuse, but if it were made legal..everything would be royally screwed. Besides, I draw you to my previous point: when I first heard from the Bar after they decided to suspend me, I drank I don't even know how many shots of scotch. But I never cheated on you. I never betrayed you, no matter how much I had to drink." She looked over at her wife, who was sitting in bed reading the divorce papers. "Olivia, how could you?" the redhead asked, her heart jumping into her throat, creating a painful lump.
"I'm sorry," Olivia said again. "Casey, I had a moment of weakness, but it's you I want to be with. It's you I have not been able to get out of my mind, you that I was worried about never seeing again, and you that I cannot bear to lose." The detective looked down at the papers again and shook her head, tossing them onto the bed once more and falling onto her back. "I'm not signing these," she added, looking over at Casey, who was deliberately refusing to look anywhere but out the window. "I am not going to willingly let you escape from me again."
"Haha, you're funny," Casey snapped. She knew she was being sarcastic, cynical, and perhaps a bit mean, but seeing Olivia was too much for her broken heart to handle. Especially since she had spent the last several months unsuccessfully attempting to get over the older woman. Now, it felt like she had just skidded back to square one, with her heart's desires once more colliding with her brain's logic. One thing was clear: this was a losing battle that she could never win.
Olivia stood up suddenly from the bed and walked over to Casey, sitting down next to the younger woman, while also placing herself in a position that prevented the redhead from getting up and leaving. "Casey, forgive me," she pleaded, taking Casey's hands and gazing into her beautiful emerald eyes, her own chocolate brown ones full of a look that would have made a puppy dog melt.
"I can't," Casey whispered, pulling back. "At least, I don't think I can...I mean, at least not right now and..." She sighed, losing her train of thought when she made the mistake of locking eyes with her wife, who really did look beautiful. "Olivia, stop," she begged quietly. "I can't do this. Please. You made your decision by sleeping with another woman..and even if I were to forgive you and tear those papers up, what assurance would I have that you would be faithful to me? How can I ever trust you again?"
Olivia brushed a stray curl out of Casey's eyes and looked at her. "Give me one more chance," she requested. "If I mess up again, then you can leave me, once and for all. Casey, you know I'm not one to ask for second chances, but now I am begging you."
"I don't know," Casey whispered, her gaze falling to the floor. But she could feel her resolve weakening. Olivia smelled so wonderful, and Casey had missed going to sleep in the older woman's arms at night. She had missed the beautiful sound of her wife's voice, the cute pet names, and so many other things. Casey took a deep breath, inhaling, and suddenly collapsed, sobbing, burying her head into Olivia's chest. "How could you?" she whispered. "How could you do this to me? What did I ever do to you? Why do I deserve this?"
Olivia wrapped her arms around the younger woman, enclosing her in a loving embrace. She sighed deeply, laying her chin on top of the attorney's head. "I'm sorry," she whispered again and again. "I'm so sorry. I promise if you give me another chance, I'll make it up to you. I promise that, given a second chance, I will never hurt you again. What do you say?"
Casey slowly lifted her head and looked into her wife's eyes. "I...I don't know what...to say," she admitted quietly. "My heart and my brain are having some difficulties reaching a consensus over here. Olivia, why did you do it?" she asked suddenly.
"I don't know," Olivia answered, sighing. "It sort of just happened, I guess. I didn't mean for it to. It meant nothing. It was just sex, and was by no means what happens when we are in bed together. But, regardless of what it was, I swear to you, I will never do it again. Can you forgive me?"
"Well, you forgave me when I moved across the country four years ago, and you forgave me when I told you what career I took up there. I can try to forgive you, but it will take time, Olivia, time and effort. I am not going to tell you that I will forgive you so that you can simply expect to be off the hook. I don't know if things will ever be the same between us, but maybe, with a lot of work, and equal amount of time spent, we can get as close to it as possible." Casey laid her head on Olivia's shoulder and sighed softly. She hated how much of a pushover she was, and how easily the older woman had forced her resolve to weaken and crawl back into her arms. It was no longer the fairy tale marriage she had once dreamed about. That was long since gone. But, if Casey were to admit it to herself, she knew all along that she didn't have the courage to go through with the divorce, which made Olivia's refusal to sign the papers a sort of blessing in disguise. She knew they had a lot of work to do, and things were going to be tense between them for a while, but they were married, and it was the start of their second chance at love.