Chapter 53!

Title: 'Schedules and Schemes' Part: 3

Note:

Last part for today. Sorry.

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Something was definitely different.
I didn't know if it was just for me, but from the way he was kissing me, I was starting to thinking it wasn't.

I let my hands on his back pull him down even further, not caring if he was about to lose balance, actually hoping he would. As if he heard my thoughts he eased himself down carefully, resting himself on his elbows, and letting his body rest against mine. Because he was so tall and more widely built, he was a little heavy, but I didn't care, the more I felt of him the better. I let my hands rub against his back as fervently as I wanted to before, his kiss seemed to get deeper despite the fact I didn't know it could've and the fact that I was starting to get a little light-headed.

But I couldn't focus on my lack of oxygen when I felt his legs against mine. It was so strange, the way his knees were pushing mine apart and he was repositioning his legs between mine. My heart was beating harder than ever, I might've not known as much as Kakashi about this stuff, but I knew why he was doing that. In only a few more seconds his legs were in between mine, I thought that doing that would've taken some sort of concentration, but with the amount of concentration he was paying to the way his lips were moving and the way his hand was gripping into my hair, I noticed that he was acting out of habit.

Everything that was happening right now was so new to me that I could feel my body flinch with every new feeling, but this was a second nature for him. That made it a little scarier… I had been thinking for a while now that I was the one trying to push things a little farther, for some reason...

I had almost forgotten just how experienced he was, how many times he's must've done this before, how he's been doing this for years, since before we met, since I was just a little kid.

I couldn't focus on the gravity on that thought when he suddenly broke away from the kiss, and I noticed just how much air I had needed. I gasped loudly, breathing harder than I had ever in a situation like this, practically panting. Even though I could hear his breathing was really deep and fast his lips didn't leave my skin. He kissed down my neck, his tongue brushing against my skin every few inches, his hand in my hair gripping harder with every inch he travelled. He let his tongue graze down my neck in one line like I had to him earlier. I suddenly realized how hard it could get to control your voice sometimes, but I chewed on my lips to stop myself. My fingers were practically digging into his back when I felt his lips land on the strap of my swimsuit top. As he kissed across my shoulder his lips gently scooted it towards the tip of my shoulder.

Even though my heart was still keeping its intense pace I still wanted more of his attention. Even though I could feel something like fear coursing through my body, I still wanted more. I let my hands ease against his back, my fingers shaking now that they've lost their tension. I raised them to the back of his head, my fingers finding the intensity they lost from before as they gripped onto his dripping hair. I pulled his face back to mine, making him ignore what he was trying to do just now.

He seemed just as entertained by the fact I was forcing him into this almost too deep kiss than the fact that my bathing suit was a little loosened now. His tongue shot into my mouth again, still moving unpredictably even though I thought I was getting used to this type of kiss now. I pulled his face even closer, my fingers gripping his hair probably painfully, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help what was happening to me now.
And when his right hand untangled itself from my hair and quickly travelled downward, his fingers gripping onto the back of my thigh, I could tell that he couldn't really help what was happening right now either. His fingers pressed into the back of my thigh as he lifted it up, wrapping my leg around his waist without even testing whether I wanted to do that or not.
I really felt like my stomach was producing way too much acid as my entire chest seemed to be burning up nervously. This was so much more intense than anything we'd done before. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know how to think. I was just feeling for him, feeling him feel me, hoping this feeling would never end, but completely terrified by all of it at the same time.
I felt his tongue rub against mine teasingly as he tugged my leg tighter around him, his large fingers pressing deeply against my skin.
His hips ground against mine a little, making my back arch with shock, his lower waist grinding against my own like it was a second nature. But he stopped moving after a moment, as if he was fighting back habit that seemed to have controlled him all the way up to now. The habit made by his amount of years of doing stuff like this.

I had no idea what I was doing, I hadn't even thought about doing it, or if I had, I had no idea what I was actually thinking of when one of my hands let go of his hair and grazed down his back to his hip. I could feel my fingers close around the waistband of his boxers.
I was immediately distracted by his left hand, which belonged to the elbow he was now anchoring all of his weight on, running through my hair harshly, pulling me up and deeper into the kiss, his tongue reaching farther than before, for a moment as if he really needed it. Like he was trying his best to get as close to me as possible.
He pressed his whole body against me.
I felt like I was boiling, electricity coursing the my body,
I had no idea if this was normal, it felt so extreme, but I couldn't think anyways.
I couldn't think straight enough about what he must've been feeling at that moment when I realized just how much I hadn't realized what I was doing when I felt myself tug at the waistband in my hand a little.

His lips left mine, his tongue leaving an uncomfortable emptiness now that I was so used it.

I gasped for more breath, feeling so weak and light-headed, but I could still hear what he said only a moment later, when my right leg was now struggling to stay wrapped around him on its own now that his hand was on mine, holding it a little tightly.

"No." His voice was breathless and a little hard to hear, but I could still hear the soft undertone of regret in his voice.
Or shame...

I had no idea which, I was still trying to breathe. I was still trying to feel my legs. I was still trying to keep my heart from bursting out of my chest.

I only knew that this was bad…the way he seemed a little sad. I felt like I had to say something.

"But-" I was about to say a sentence I hadn't made yet.

"This was too far." He said a little sternly, but it didn't sound like he was lecturing me.

My breathing was finally starting to calm down, but all the fizzing never endings in my body were still driving my brain crazy… I still needed a moment before I could even try and think of something to say. But as I was laying there, my arm resting on my forehead, my leg slipping off of his waist, he was already almost normal again. He's probably had to handle remerging from these kinds of feelings dozens of times before… but this was the first time I had ever felt like this.
He lifted himself up so that he was leaning over me on his palms again, I felt a few of his fingers slip the strap of my bathing suit over my shoulder again, I saw the look in his eyes as he did.

Even in this state of mind I knew what self-disgust looked like.

I wished I could've said something, I was feeling a little better but I felt so weak, a little shaky. He looked down at me, in my shaken state, with that pitiful smile that actually looked painful. I wanted to say something.

"This was enough." He added a little gently, as if righting his wrong for agreeing with me when I said it wasn't 'enough' when he asked earlier.
My brain finally started making sense of everything again, it was like the haze from before was finally being cleared away. I could breathe again, and everything was returning back to normal. His words finally made sense and I finally remembered how to talk.
He leaned down, his lips landing on my forehead as his hand lifted up the arm that had been resting on it.
I felt my fingers grab onto his shoulder a little weakly.
"Really?" I asked up to him, not genuinely. I wasn't asking because I thought that what had just happened really wasn't 'enough'… at least it kind of was for me, but I hoped he heard the testing tone in my voice. I hoped he knew I was asking about him.
I saw how he reacted just a few minutes ago, he was really ready to take this a step further until he stopped himself… how could he be happy with just this?

His smiled disappeared as he looked directly down at me, his hair dripping onto the stone next to my head.

"Would I have stopped you if it wasn't?"

He sounded so serious.
More like he was scolding himself.
As if he was really starting to think of himself as the type of man who wouldn't have stopped if it wasn't enough for him, despite what I wanted.
But that not really how he thinks of himself, is it?
I didn't have anything else to say… I really could believe that if he wasn't okay with how everything just ended, he probably wouldn't have stopped it. Right?

His hand on my arm tightened gently as he leaned away, sitting up.

"Come on, we need to get changed"

He tugged me to sit up too.
It was so strange just getting up like this after that happened, a little awkward. But before he was even standing still for a second he walked away toward the bath. He picked up the towel that I had dried my hands on only a few minutes before this happened, and picked up the dress as well.
He walked back to me, unfolding the towel.
He placed it gently on my shoulders as if he was trying not to touch me too much, he handed me the dress and walked ahead of me into the room.
I followed after him, still a little confused now that I was starting to think through everything more clearly than before.

I thought back to the fact that he stopped himself after I was pulling the waistband of his boxers…

I was the one who had actually been taking it a step further…

Even if he was acting through instinct it was still visible that he had been holding himself back from actually doing anything. I was actually the one who, not thinking, was about to take it further.
Even if he thought it was 'too much' for me before, wouldn't he have taken my thoughtless advances as a sign that maybe I was ready… although I'm still not sure if I really am… but I wouldn't have blamed him for thinking that was the sign he's probably been waiting for for a long time.
Why did he take advantage of the opportunity since he didn't know I kind of accidentally set it up?

"Go ahead and change in that room." He said softly, as if trying to lighten the now dampened atmosphere.
"I'm pretty sure what I'm wearing now will cover more." I joked, trying to make him smile.
He did, but not as brightly as I was used to to.

I walked into the room with the futons a little slowly, gripping the dress a little worriedly before I placed it on the floor as I started to dry off a little.
A moment of quiet passed before I finally picked up the nerves to start up a conversation about this again.
I hated leaving things like this… and it's probably better to talk to each other about this without being face to face. Not that I was particularly embarrassed, but because it's easier to tell the truth when you're not in the same room as the person you're talking to.
Not that I thought he was lying… but that I thought he really wasn't being honest about this subject.
It's always so hard to tell what he's thinking, and I don't need to be guessing anymore.
I cleared my throat a little weakly.

"Why did you stop me?" I asked a little loudly, hopeing he could hear me well enough through the paper-likle walls. Everything was quiet for a moment. I panicked a little, "I mean. I remember when I was the one stopping you." I elaborated, the slight panic making me forget how to choose words carefully.
I heard his voice only a few seconds later.

"I'm sorry."
I almost sighed, but I thought of something good to say this time, something I've been wanting to say for some time:

"I've always… understood that I was slowing this relationship down, making it difficult for you…" I said honestly. "You don't need to apologize." I finished, hoping he would say something quickly.

"I do." He didn't say what I wanted him to. "And if you still really think like that then I messed up…" He said vaguely, his voice serious. What did he mean? How could I not believe that I made this relationship a little slow and painful for him because he had to constantly check himself and how much of an adult he was around me?
That thought actually hurt me a little. But I still needed him to know that I understood what I've been doing to him.
I started undressing as I spoke up again, but I left the swimsuit bottom on.

"But you're a full grown man and I'm just a-"

"Stop." He sounded a little stern… but almost… troubled. Like he didn't want to hear the rest of that sentence as much as I didn't want to say it.

I followed his orders to stop. Feeling like I might've crossed a line.
A long minute passed as I was trying to keep myself from saying anything and trying even harder to focus on the dress I was putting on.

…

Just as I hooked the dress around the back of my neck like it was supposed to, I whipped around the face the wall in between us, a little too excitedly, when I heard his voice again.

"Just… let me live a little while longer like this." He said slowly, his voice sounding a little… saddened. I wished I could've understood what he meant by that right away, but I was just confused for a few seconds longer before I heard him again, "… I've barely figured out how to ignore the guilt of dragging you into this mess…." He paused as I digested that. "… So I'm not very eager to push one of my young ex-students into such an adult world."
He stopped talking as I thought through that.

Guilt?

He was still guilty?

He still sees me as a 'young ex-student'?

He thinks he 'dragging' me into a 'mess' I'd willingly run into again if I had to do it all over?

He still thinks this is all his 'fault'?

…

I had no idea he was still so conflicted by everything.
here I thought he was the one who had already accepted everything, who was already so past worrying and doubting… at least that's how he was always acting.
I had no idea he was still thinking like this.

Unsure of what to say, I decided to hit the problem at the source. The fact he still thought I was too young.

"I'm almost an adult, you know." I argued a little lightly, rechecking my dress to see if it really fit this strangely, hoping to brighten his spirits if only just a little.
I thought of something else to say while I waited for his response.
"It's only be a year and a half till I'm an adult." I offered that little piece of logic, lightly.
I checked the back of my dress.

As I turned around, I found him walking into the doorway casually, leaning against the jamb. In his suit, his single black mask hanging around his neck.
He always looked handsome, but seeing him in a suit, his hair still a little messy, he was… perfect. As always.
I smiled to myself a little as I thought that.

I hadn't been surprised to see him walk in just now. I was about to go check on him, too.
But I was surprised by the look in his eyes. Even if he was saying all of this stuff, still considering me as a 'young ex-student', the look he was giving me was nothing like the kind he would give me when I was his student. It was a look of something like admiration… pride… longing… happiness… sadness… guilt… desire…

"I know." He agreed with me aloud, but his eyes said enough. The way he had been looking at me, like he was proud of how much I've grown, happy for how little I have left to go, and altogether sad that he had to have feelings for me now when I was so close but unacceptable.

He leaned away from the jamb, walking towards me. I didn't have to wait more than a few seconds before his arms were around me, his chin resting on the top of my head. I hands grabbed onto the fabric of his jacket a little eagerly, loving how heavy and warm his arms felt.
He spoke up again after only a moment.

"But it's hard to forget that fourteen-year-old I knew only 'a year and a half' ago…" He used the time frame I offered, but in reverse, trying to show me just how different of a perspective we have on time since he's been the same the whole time I've been growing and learning. "…It's hard to forget the student I promised to keep safe from anything that might hurt them." He offered that sentence solemnly.

I didn't hesitate to speak up.

"This won't hurt me." I reassured him.

He sighed deeply, his firm chest pushing against me.
"But it will me."

…
I didn't know what to say to that for a long moment.
Is this really why he stopped me before? Because he couldn't handle it? Because he couldn't handle doing that to me?
I tried to voice my questions with a little more tact.

"So… you don't want to take things any fur-" I started to ask more clumsily than I intended, but he stopped me, thankfully.

"Yes… and no."
A typical Kakashi-answer never bothered me more.
He must've sensed my unhappiness with that response.

"Right now… " he sighed again, a little tiredly this time, his arms shifting around me a little with that sigh as he lifted his chin off of my hair for a moment, like he was thinking. "…at this very moment," he elaborated softly. "I'm actually having a hard time keeping myself in check, from forgetting the world and my judgement and doing something I'd regret later."
My heart picked up pace again and I was very aware of every detail of his touch as I noticed, again, just how much of an adult he is.

"Ka-"
I had no idea what I could've said, but I didn't have to worry about that when his voice picked up.

"But I'm not ready."

I couldn't speak after the shock of hearing him saying that.

…

"I'm not ready to take what I've done here past any chance of redemption."

My grip on the back of his jacket tightened as I couldn't think anything to say. As I couldn't help but feel something like sadness for what he must be going through, and how I knew that there really wasn't a way to convince him otherwise.
…

"Not yet."

…

I buried my face in his chest, happier to hear those last two words than I thought I would be.

We stood there for a few minutes, in complete silence, but complete comfort. With anybody else just sitting in the same room and not talking could get awkward, but with Kakashi… it was just as perfect as any other moment around him.

He broke the silence after a little while longer.

"I'm sorry, but I need to go now." He said too calmly. I knew he had to have left here at least ten minutes ago, but he stayed anyways. "Mission preparations." He explained vaguely, as always.

"Yeah." I said a little tiredly as I dropped my arms from around him. I barely noticed till now that the sun had sunken a little dramatically for the short time I thought we had spent together.
Before I could worry about time, or anything else in the world, his lips distracted me.
Even though I would've thought I'd have enough kissing today, that never seemed to be the case.
Besides, it was different this time. Softer, but deeper, kinder, but passionate at the same time.
It was over before I wanted it to be.
He leaned away, still looking at me for a moment. His eyes wandered up and down.

"You look beautiful." He said with his usual casual tone, the atmosphere moment we just spent already appreciated and finished.
I'd forgotten I was wearing this dress.
I looked down at the long flowed purple, the way the neckline was plunged to my belly-button, and the skirt slit rising all the way up to my hip.

"Thanks for picking it out." I said with a more genuine tone than I actually intended. "Even if it's a bit showy." I added to make sure he knew I didn't quite approve of it.
He smiled softly as he turned around, leaving the room.
I followed him, again.

"I'll see you at the party." He was already at the door, pulling his mask up, but not before he gave me one last look as I leaned against the door jamb this time.
he smiled brighter than I thought was possible right now, one of those smiles that always made me remember everything I loved about him.

He opened the door, fixing his black mask on his nose.

"Itterashai." I said without warning, smiling as I did.
He paused at the doorway, I could see that smile under his mask.

"Ittekimasu."

The door closed behind him calmly just as he responded with a voice I recognized happiness in.

Before I realized it, a relieving wave of reassurance had washed over me somewhere in that conversation, wiping away the awkward concern I had.
But even though we talked through it all, it still hadn't fixed the fact that he was so… guilt-ridden.

I was the one who felt kind of guilty just letting him leave like that… like I should've said something else, some sort of magical sentence to wash away that deep-seeded guilt just like his smile fixed my worrying.

But maybe I could talk to him at the party.

Maybe I could say something then.
Then again, what could I possibly say?

I absent-mindedly looked in the mirror again, secretly admiring the dress I had complained about earlier. He did have good taste every now and then… even if it was a little risqué. I heard some rumbling from our neighboring room, it sounded like Naruto was yelling at Sai again or something.

I was suddenly reminded of their existence.

If I say anything at the party… if I could say anything at all that I thought could help him… then I'd have to be really discreet about it if I didn't want the other two picking up on anything.

This party is going to be a real test of how well we can put on a show like we're together, but still keep from crossing a line and revealing the fact that we are together.

If I let even the slightest detail slip, I can jeopardize everything.

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About two hours later

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I couldn't focus.

I couldn't focus.

My mind was everywhere at once.

The meaningless and half-drunk chattering of the party had suddenly stopped.

The yelling did, too.

Everything was silent but so many things were buzzing through my head.

I knew I should back away. I knew I should be doing something other than just standing here, but as the pair of masked lips pressed harder against mine than I was ready for, I couldn't think about what just happened or what was going to happen.
I barely had enough mind to think about anything other than these all too familiar lips on mine and the wide and confused eyes of half the people in this room, including those of our other two teammates.

Only one thought ran through my head.

How the HELL did this happen!

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The next chapter will have Kakashi's POV about everything (not detailed, per se, but definitely his thoughts on all of this) so don't worry, Ella!...
Well I guess Kakashi's thought's aren't really what you're worried about right now with an ending like that.

Sorry for that.

(xD)