Chapter 54!
Title:'Trysts and Trusts: Part 1"
NOTE:
Ok…. Yet /another/ two-parter…. Hopefully you guys aren't getting sick of all these 'Part 1's and 'Part 2's and stuff, but when I set out an ending for a chapter I always have a difficult time predicting how much writing it'll take to get there and I just /can't/ end at an uneventful moment, it just goes against the grain now that I've given you guys so many cliffhangers. Haha.
Well, these installments are basically one giant flashback to explain what happened in the sudden timeskip at the end of Chapter 53.
Hope you guys enjoy it!
Let me know if you did enjoy it, I always look forward to your guys' reviews!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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About Two Hours From Now
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I couldn't focus.
I couldn't focus.
My mind was everywhere at once.
The meaningless and half-drunk chattering of the party suddenly stopped.
The yelling did, too.
Everything was silent but so many things were buzzing through my head.
I knew I should back away. I knew I should be doing something other than just standing here, but as the pair of masked lips pressed harder against mine than I was ready for, I couldn't think about what just happened or what was going to happen.
I barely had enough mind to think about anything other than these all too familiar lips on mine and the wide and confused eyes of half the people in this room, including those of our other two teammates.
Only one thought ran through my head.
How the HELL did this happen!
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Two Hours Back Again
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He continued to walk down the path, probably not really paying as much attention to time or surroundings as he should've been or even enough attention to how people had been staring at him the whole way there since he was a little overdressed for walking in public, but he found his mind wandering.
He hadn't been able to get her out of his head yet.
Usually he could detach himself from personal affairs when he actually had serious business… but with what happened just twenty minutes ago.
How could he just move on and forget that?
He had a difficult time not focusing on the details of those fresh memories. The feeling of her lips, her tongue, her mouth, the way her whole body seemed to be shivering under his hands even though her skin felt hot against his own. The weight of her leg wrapped around his waist. The way her hands were grappling on his back as if she was holding onto him for life, how her fingers dug at him and pulled his hair carelessly in the moment of illogical passion they both suffered.
He couldn't figure out whether or not those memories were good or not. Even if he had enjoyed all those details more than he should have at the time, something about them seemed wrong even then.
It had all been too much.
Too much for her.
Too much for him.
He never thought he would ever feel so overwhelmed like that. He had thought he would always know what he was doing, that he'd know how to handle everything once the time was right.
But that fear… the fear of losing himself, of doing something he'd regret because a moment of adult instinct, burned in him greater than ever.
Even if she didn't seem as uncomfortable as before, and she might've been a bit more… provocative… this time around, it hadn't felt right.
It was too fast, too soon.
The timing was wrong.
None of it seemed to make sense…
…
It was just so… meaningless…
He found himself happier than before that he had stopped things before they had a chance to escalate any further.
…
Even if it's what he thought he wanted this whole time it wasn't anything near what it should've been.
What happened seems so wrong now… it was the wrong time, the wrong place… everything about it was just…
He sighed to himself, his pace a fraction slower now that the weight of his thoughts was increasing by the moment and seemed to be pulling on his feet as well.
I thought I was looking forward to the day she wouldn't be afraid anymore.
He grimaced behind his mask.
Now I know I've been dreading it at the same time.
…
Even if it had been the 'right time' or the 'right place'… I still don't feel like I have any right to be with her, to even touch her.
Not yet…
"Hatake."
Hearing his family name right now woke him from those thoughts a little roughly. He turned towards the trees along the side of the path. He had almost forgotten that he wasn't walking this path to clear his head, but that he had a mission to set right.
"Hey." He answered back with less spirit than he realized. "And it's 'Kakashi'." He added with a sour tone. He had forgotten to tell them not to call him by his family name at the first meeting.
"What did you need us for?" The voice from within the trees of the path spoke up again, not paying any attention to Kakashi's correction or showing any move to come out behind the cover of the forest.
Kakashi just continued to stare ahead of him, towards the fast falling sun. As far as any onlookers could tell he was just staring at the scenery, talking to himself, and not conducting a secret meeting right now.
"The plan's been a little compromised." Kakashi offered back with a casually apologetic voice, still paying a small amount of polite conversational humor to the gruff, hidden voice.
"So what do you need to tell us?" The man asked briskly.
"Just a slight reschedule." Kakashi answered back vaguely before elaborating.
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I walked through the rooms a little slowly. My eyes were just glued to the floor, recognizing the same grooves in tatami mats as I walked over them again and again, pacing the suite.
I had no idea why I felt so restless… I mean it wasn't like there was anything I was worried about, right?
Yeah, I have nothing to worry about.
Lying to myself just then didn't work when the lie only made me think about everything I could worry about.
The part tonight.
The meeting with Hiroki.
Seeing Kakashi again.
…
I mean…. I wanted to see Kakashi-sensei again, of course. Why wouldn't I?
I'm always happiest when he's around, I always look forward to any time we can spend together… but right now…
I could kind of feel the embarrassment sinking in.
What did I actually do just a half hour ago?
Was I really laying flat on my back out there, by the water, underneath Kakashi-sensei?
Did I really kiss him like that?
Did I really touch him like that?
Was I really the one who was taking things further!
I couldn't focus on any of it.
The more I thought back to what happened the less any of it seemed real, but the scarier the thought was of seeing him again.
I mean, even if we talked about what happened and what he really felt, I suddenly felt like some sort of irresponsible, gross kid when I think about the fact I did those things.
I had been pushing him before he was ready… though in the end, he wasn't really 'ready' because he didn't believe I was.
…
And now I can't help but wonder if I really am or not!
…
I had been so blinded by everything that was going on, I didn't care what I was doing because everything felt so good….
I cringed at the memory of a feeling-drunk me trying to take things so far.
My hands that were holding up the extravagant train of the dress clenched tighter into fists.
I mean… it wasn't bad, what happened.
And I don't really regret it. It's hard to regret any time I've spent with Kakashi-sensei… but… it was just so out of place. We were normal one minute, poking fun at each other as innocently as any other day, and then… things got out of hand. Really.
But I guess I should've seen it coming.
We've been getting closer and closer for so long now that it shouldn't have been such a surprise that we'd be… at this… part… of the relationship.
GAH!
I crouched down to the ground faster than was probably possible, my hands flying from the sides of my dress to the sides of my head.
"God, I'm just so stupid!" I exclaimed to myself, not caring if I sounded like a crazy person right now since I was alone. "I think I'm ready but I can't even think about this stuff without pacing around and freaking out!"
I stood back up with a huff, no longer caring about the train of the dress as I turned back to the other room, my hands in fists as I felt the frustration at myself grow.
I'm still such a KID. I can't even bring myself to think about what I'm going to say when he comes back!
I don't even know what I'm doing here!
I have stuff to do but here I am, unable to think about anything or anyone but him!
I can't get him out of my head!
I can't stop thinking about the way he feels and the way he kisses me and how much I'm already starting to miss him even though I'm kind of nervous to see him again!
My head is just so overrun by everything about Kakashi-sensei I can't even think straight anymore!
WAS I ALWAYS LIKE THIS?
…
My crazy exclamation of a thought woke me up a little when I involuntarily thought of an answer.
…
No… I wasn't.
…
I wasn't always trying to keep my thoughts of Kakashi-sensei out of my head. I wasn't always this easily flustered by everything about him.
There was a time when Kakashi-sensei was /only/ 'sensei'. A time when he was just a random adult in my life who meant a bit more to me than the others.
There were times I'd go without seeing him for weeks, months, even a year and I'd only remember he existed every other day or week and never really felt that guilty for forgetting about him.
I was too caught up in my own life –with myself- to notice him before.
I had never seen him the way I do now back then… even though he hasn't really changed over the years, I had never noticed how talented and patient and overwhelmingly... attractive... he really is.
I guess I had to grow up a bit more before I could notice him.
But if I had 'noticed' him before, would that have made a difference?
Was I a person he could feel like this strongly for before a few months ago? What's so different about me now?
How could someone you've lived so casually around, with, and without for so long suddenly become someone you can't imagine not seeing every day?
…
Just the memory of a time in my life where Kakashi-sensei was forgettable or even annoying (as he was to me for the first few months I knew him) seemed so surreal.
I thought that it was hard to accept how dangerously close we were only minutes ago, but the memory of exactly how distant we were for so many years seemed even further from reality.
I can't imagine a world where I didn't feel this way for Kakashi-sensei, a world where I couldn't reach out and touch him, or kiss him, or see his unmasked smile.
But… I guess… if there's one thing I don't have to worry about, it's not being able to touch him.
…
I've already done probably too much of that for one day already.
My eyes squeezed shut at that thought as I couldn't suppress a hard grin as that sentence suddenly didn't make me feel so 'gross' anymore. I guess I felt a little… proud… actually.
'Proud' that I could even be here worrying about that. That my life had moved in such a fast-paced but rewarding way to get me where I could be here worrying about that.
If my relationship with Kakashi-sensei had been any slower… I probably wouldn't be this happy.
…
That thought hit me.
…
So… if I'm happy that we didn't go any slower, and happy that we haven't gone any faster…
… then…
We're actually... at the perfect place right now.
My fists unclenched, my eyes opened a little widely with simple surprise.
The 'perfect place'?
…
I had been freaking out so much over how far things could've gone or how slow things must seem to be going for him that I hadn't really stopped to look at where we are.
…And…
I'm happy with where we are… right now.
… 'perfect'.
At the moment that thought ran through my head I could feel some of the tension and worry just wash away. Suddenly, the fear of seeing him again transformed into a need to see him again.
"Wow…" I whispered to myself for a moment.
Usually these mental freakouts don't work this way. Usually I just mull over my problems and just feel worse… but right now… everything seems so much better.
Why couldn't this happen to me more often!
I almost wanted to laugh at myself, lifting my head up from staring at the ground, about to let out a few guffaws… but the strange moment of spontaneous relief seemed to dwindle instantly when my eyes landed on the clock just as the minute hand ticked forward.
CRAP!
I suddenly remembered the world outside of my head.
He's probably waiting for me right now and I'm just standing here talking and laughing to myself like a crazy person!
I ran out the door in somewhat of a hurry after slipping on a few of the complimentary slippers set in the doorway.
I was in so much of a hurry that I'd forgotten two crucial things:
One, the fact that I had no idea who I had to be around this man I was supposed to meet right now. Hanako or Sakura.
And two, the fact I was wearing this ridiculous dress.
But I wouldn't realize the second crucial fact until I ran into the courtyard, slightly out of breath, to see the blonde man turn around to face me, his blue eyes having nowhere to land but on the intentionally gaping holes of the freakishly designed dress which exposed more of me than I cared to share with this man.
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Walking back from that meeting was surprisingly easier than the walk there, though he still hadn't cleared his head of the personal matters that had been flooding it before. It was easier... not because he was now walking through a market area that had a healthy amount of noise and movement to distract his thoughts, but now that he was on his way back to those 'personal matters' he felt a bit more in control of what he had been so worried about before.
He didn't know what he'd do when he was alone with her again, but he didn't really seem to be worried enough to keep his mind on it after he was distracted by something shiny in the window of a shop he walked by.
He snooped closer to the window, keeping his hands in the pockets of his dress pants as his eyes continued window-shopping.
He wondered if he brought enough money with him for a moment.
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The courtyard was empty, except for one man, the narrow stone path forked a few times along it's crossing to the other side of the garden which was adorned with exotic flowers and plants I hadn't seen in this region before. The extravagant koi pond seemed to glow with the golden sunlight that peeked through the tall wall of bamboo shoots that surrounded the perimeter of the yard.
"Good evening." The blonde man several feet away spoke up after a single moment of awkward silence, once again using the manners I forgot he had. Even that moment of awkwardness, when his eyes landed on this dress, was cut comfortably short by his own doing.
I was a little surprised.
I guess I had been kind of expecting the old-Hiroki to be back out or something, the snobby thug I knew last night... but he was still gentleman-Hiroki.
I guess that was a good thing…. But it was just confusing…. It was hard to accept this new side of this man… it seemed too good to trust.
I ended my moment of hesitation as I noticed he was walking over to me now, smiling politely. He was dressed in a dark blue suit, the color of which seemed to bring out the deepness of his features, the definition of his jaw, and the brighter hue of blue in his eyes. I almost found myself staring at him as I wondered just how such an unattractive snob of a man I was up close and personal with last night could have turned into… this.
He didn't seem to notice the staring, or if he did it didn't tarnish his surprisingly kind smile as he continued to walk over to me, looking as if he was about to speak up at any moment.
Ok… you can handle this.
It's only a conversation… with an enemy-ally person… you don't have anything to worry about.
Just be some sort of cross between Hanako and Sakura and everything will be fine.
I gave myself some last minute encouragement even though it didn't really work.
"Good eve-" I was about to repay him the formality but as I took my own step towards him I forgot I was wearing these floppy slippers. The loose fabric around my toes snagged onto the corner of my dress and then against the edge of a cobblestone, my balance jeopardized a moment later.
I cursed myself for being so clumsy.
But I was a kunoichi, I knew how to regain balance after almost falling so it wasn't like I was going to fall flat on my face or anything, but I didn't need to exercise any of my balance training right now as I suddenly found myself landing against the chest of a dark blue suit.
"Uh…" I spoke up only a nanosecond after I felt a pair of unfamiliar hands land on my shoulders, about to lift me off of him.
In the spare moment I breathed in before I mumbled that single syllable I recognized the same scent from this morning.
Cologne.
Again, since I wasn't used to the scent because shinobi would never wear anything like cologne, it burned my nose, but it was still kind of really nice.
I was actually a little disappointed when he lifted me away from him. I had no idea why.
"That was a little careless." He graded with a playful tone as he turned away from me just as I looked up to him, I could only see his profile. He was exactly the same as this morning, his blonde hair was slicked back flawlessly, his blue eyes actually seemed brighter now that we were under natural light here in the courtyard, the only difference was that he wasn't as clean-shaven as before… 'five o'clock shadow' is what they call it, I guess. I wondered for only a spare moment if Kakashi ever got that… I didn't think he did. "But I guess it must be difficult to walk around in that dress though." His textured voice spoke up again after another moment of silence; he took a few steps towards the single bench to my right. His hand on my shoulder led me along gently.
It only took me a second before I came to my senses and realized that I'd been a zombie for the past minute and hadn't said anything or shown any sort of initiative in this meeting or anything. I shook my head to clear away whatever mental fog that had been stopping me before. Stupid thoughts of cologne and five o'clock shadow. I'm too distracted right now. I scolded myself.
"Yeah, Kyosuke picked it out." I started to reciprocate the conversation innocently, using enough sense to remember Kakashi's cover name, and still allowing his hand to guide me to the bench. "I wouldn't be wearing it now, but he had some business to take care of and he wanted to see me in it before he left." I lowered myself to the bench sitting down carefully so that my dress wouldn't tear or anything.
But I was distracted from what I was wearing when I suddenly realized what I said, my eyes widened for a spare moment.
Wait, why did I just say that?
I just let my guard down and actually told him the truth! I didn't need to tell him that! It's actually kind of embarrassing that I admitted to following 'Kyosuke's' orders like that.
Jeez, pull it together!
I paid for that slip up when I heard unfamiliar, almost scratchy, chuckling next to me as he sat down on the bench beside me, his hand let go of my shoulder, my skin felt a little cold.
I suddenly felt a little defensive, just like I always did whenever Kakashi would laugh at something I said or did in the same way.
"But this really isn't my style, of course." I added quickly, motioning to the dress before thinking. I had forgotten just how much of my chest was showing. A giant V of skin was bare, the point of the V stopped right above my navel. The slits on either side of the dress reached up to my thighs. I hadn't noticed when I sat down just now that my upper right leg was completely exposed.
And here I was, pointing at this dress, remarking on the style. Predictably, Hiroki-san's eyes followed the motion of my hand and focused a little too deeply on it when I hurriedly pulled the fabric back over my leg.
"Uh-Kyosuke picks out these things." I explained again hurriedly, feeling more than a little embarrassed again. I fixed my eyes on the fountain several feet in front of us, my hands curling into fists at the edge of my knees as I mentally berated myself for being such a clumsy talker right now.
I had no idea why I couldn't seem to plan my words before I said them.
I heard the man's chuckle again, in the corner of my eye I could see the strong frame of his torso shake with each chuckle. His laughter. It was a lot deeper than Kakashi-sensei's, his voice was too… probably because he was a little older than him or something.
But I couldn't get really defensive about this man's laughter now since I knew I would've laughed at me, too, if I were him.
I almost sighed at myself for making a fool of myself twice in under two minutes.
"I don't really blame him." His voice broke that moment of awkwardness after he was done laughing at me.
I stole a glance over at him.
He looked up towards the sun, probably picking up the 'please-don't-look-at-me-and-laugh-like-that'-vibe I was trying to send at him. "I kind of understand why Kyousuke-kun would pick these dresses for you."
The way he said 'kun' after Kakashi's cover name reminded me again that this man was more than a few years older than Kakashi. I tried to steel my mind with that thought, to remind myself that this is a grown man who still wasn't a verified ally, so I couldn't let my guard down around him even if he's being really… nice.
"If I had a fiancée like you, I probably couldn't stop myself from showing her off either."
His 'nice'ness seemed to evolve into flattery just then as I suddenly felt even more conscious than before. His words sounded really similar to the ones I exchanged with him last night:
'Kyousuke picked this out.' I had offered the same excuse last night as just now.
'He's probably just trying to show you off and make some of us jealous.' 'He should be careful, though.' 'When another man sees something he likes, especially a man like me, even an overprotective fiancé won't stop him from getting what he wants.'
I didn't feel so comfortable anymore sitting next to the man who's lips once said that to me. Even if I was surrounded by the calming garden and the even more soothing scent of that cologne, I definitely couldn't let my guard down. Right?
Was this man still the same one who said that last night?
Was he really just so drunk last night that he said something so… creepy without really meaning it? Or has his personality really been altered by the Takao root?
I still didn't have the answers to those questions, but the memory of the distrust I once felt for this man (which was now dwindling despite my suspicions) seemed to get my thoughts back on track.
I was about to open my mouth and disturb this moment of actual comfortable silence that we seemed to be sharing, but his voice spoke up first again.
"What kind of business did Kyosuke-kun have to go on, again?" He asked with a conversational tone, using 'kun' again, as if he was really just trying to pick up some sort of conversation. Like he really didn't have a reason to invite me here and was actually just trying to pick up some small talk or something.
"I… don't know." I answered truthfully, waiting for him to ask a better question.
He seemed to know what I was waiting for.
"Was it something to do with your mission?" He asked, polite curiosity in his voice. He turned back to me for a moment, ignoring the setting sun he was previously gazing at. His mature face housed the simple and almost naive smile I recognized from this morning, the eyes that had been droopy with alcohol and lust last night were now untouched by any sort of vulgarity but still displayed a deepness in them that only a man of his years could posess. It almost reminded me of Kakashi… but even Kakashi's eyes didn't look this… darkened by experience.
But that didn't matter!
It was clear that although he was altogether polite… he was still completely knowledgable about the seriousness of what he was saying.
I just stared back at him, showing my shock a little unabashedly.
He DID know we were on a mission.
He DOES know we're actually shinobi.
How did he find out?
Where did we slip up?
I couldn't think through all that before I decided to take control of the conversation before he could sense the panic in my thoughts. I really needed to steal the upperhand of this conversation again.
"What about your mission?" I asked up a little coldly, adopting a bit more of 'Hanako', trying not to look at his eyes for too long. "Didn't you say you had plans to overthrow-"
Before I could finish that question I could barely see his hand move before I felt the pressure of a single finger land on my lips. I was about to swat it away when I noticed how he was looking over his shoulder must've been checking for any other lackeys or anyone at all that could eavesdrop.I stopped myself from hitting his hand away.
I guess I don't need to be rude about it then…
But after a few seconds it was clear no one was here but us.
That thought made my stomach bubble a little nervously.
I was alone with this man.
I could suddenly notice all the details of the finger on my lips, the slight weather of his skin, as if he had once been some sort of laborer or work-hand, but the gentleness of his touch that almost tickled. I backed away from his hand, feeling a little weird to let him touch me longer than a second, and even weirder for not being able to stop myself from analyzing his touch so deeply just then. He turned back to me, lowering his hand slowly.
"There are men here who would kill me if they even heard something like you were about to say." He explained with care, his voice only a whisper. "But thankfully, none of them seem to be here." He smiled as if everything was okay now. His boyish charm shining through his matured face with a strange balance as I just had to take a moment to remember the unattractive scowl he wore last night….
I couldn't help but hope that he really had changed, or that this really was his original personality.
I could feel my already frizzled nerves began to sizzle a bit harder with that awkward thought and especially with the way he leaned in a little closer just now.
"Have you heard about the havoc Momoshita has in mind for this region?" He asked under his breath, his eyes boring into mine as I was unable to look away. "What he's willing to do to take control and push his influence even further?"
Of course I didn't have an answer, but the way he was looking at me. I felt a little pressured to say something. I tugged at the fabric of my dress, making sure that it was covering my legs as much as it could now that I felt a little nervous while he kept staring at me like this.
"Who else can stop him but one of his own men?" He leaned away, closing his eyes solemnly.
I finally felt a little less nervous now that I couldn't see the lightning blue behind his eyelids, but the scent of his cologne seemed stronger than ever, I tried to ignore how much I was starting to like it.
I brushed a lock of pink hair behind my ear as I actually had to work up some sort of courage to speak up and break this moment of quiet.
"So, you've been planning this the whole time?" I asked up, not really sure what to say right now, but knowing I needed to know more about this man before I could let myself trust him as much I already was.
"No." He said simply, bowing his head a few inches, staring at his folded hands. I looked down at them, too, my lips remembering how his skin felt, wondering what his whole hand would feel like. I kind of wanted to reach out and-
Woah!
What the hell?
What the HELL?
I couldn't freak out enough over that strange moment before he spoke up again.
"There was a time when I blindly followed Momoshita just like the rest of the guys." He explained quickly, his voice full of nostalgia, "But after I've seen what he's capable of," His face flinched as if he remembered something so disturbing that it caused him pain to even think of it. My mind wondered on its own about what exactly this man's must have been through in his life. He was probably the son of a farmer or something, who left for the city and got caught up in Momoshita's gang. And from what I've heard about Momoshita's gang and their violent ways, he's must have seen a lot, been through a lot,... done a lot.
"I have to stop him." His voice was a little harsh, his hands tightening together for a moment.
I felt myself shrink back a little when I, again, felt like I must've been such a kid to him.
I mean, not that it mattered, but sitting here, trying to interrogate a man so much older than me, who's probably seen a lot more than me…it felt like it wasn't my place to be talking to him like an equal right now.
And, to make it all a little bit worse, here I was, probably going to be somewhat responsible for Momoshita's downfall even though he's been planning this for years.
How frustrating would it be to see a couple of kids do what you've been struggling to do for years.
But maybe it didn't have to be that way.
"I can help." I offered unnecessarily, staring at the koi pond again. It didn't matter if Hiroki-san wanted help or not, it was my job to do what he's been waiting to do himself for ages, but maybe he could think of it as 'help' instead of thinking of me as some sort of imposing kid who's going to crush his own plans… it would help.
He looked back over to me, his blue eyes void of any of the naïve playfulness I saw in them only minutes ago or this morning. His eyes showed his years more visibly now. His expression was firm, but saddened… as if regretful.
"I know what you're here for, and I know you want me to get you a spot for the meeting." He spoke up, his voice as old as his eyes now. "But I can't let you take that risk."
"But I-" I was about to explain how I could handle myself, how he shouldn't worry about me, but his textured voice cut me off.
"Things won't go the way you think they will tonight."
I stared at him, a little confused, but ready to listen.
"They won't go the way Momoshita has been planning either…" He added as an afterthought. "I might not know you very well, Hanako," Hearing him have to use my fake name because he didn't know my real one was a little sad now. "But I don't want to put you in that kind of danger."
"Hiroki-san." I spoke up, unable to decipher whether I felt grateful or confused. I didn't know why I felt like I had to put the 'san' after his name, either. It was so weird… but it felt right.
"I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me." He stopped any further thoughts of mine not only with those words, but with the look in his eyes. I couldn't explain it.
So… mesmerizing.
Even if I had to raise head up a little awkwardly to meet his eyes since he was actually a lot taller than me, I still couldn't look away.
I had never looked into a pair of eyes so closely before that were both the same color. And I had never felt a hand feel so rough and so soft at the same time when I noticed his longer fingers falling between mine. I noticed that the scent of his cologne was getting kind of addicting when I realized how pleasant it made me feel when the wind picked up the scent in my direction.
"I noticed something a little while ago."His voice dropped to a weathered whisper, but it wasn't any harder to hear than before now that his face was closer to mine.
I felt my hand lift up off the stone of the bench, completely supported by his. His fingers held onto my palm gently, but as he lifted my hand up to my face I felt his index finger slide up the length of my ring finger.
He held it up there, only looking at my hand, his thumb rubbing back and forth over the base of my ring finger tentatively.
I tried to think about what he was trying to say. I tried to peel my eyes away from his now renewed, playful ones. I tried to ignore the way his fingers felt, and just focus on my own finger. My ring finger.
Ring finger?
Ring.
Engagement ring.
My eyes widened with a little surprise.
I don't have a ring.
"There really is something that you and Kyosuke are hiding, isn't there?" He revised his question from this morning just now as if he was telling a joke.
I couldn't really process any sort of answer or response when I felt him pull my hand forward.
His lips landed on my finger. Softly.
I couldn't really focus on anything other than the way his lips felt different than the ones I was used to.
I thought lips were lips, that they were all the same, but there really was a difference.
I looked from the way his foreign lips were pressing harder against my skin to his eyes, they were half-closed, but brighter than ever now that the sun was shining across from us. They almost looked gray.
They were looking down at me with the strangest expression. One of humor and teasing, but I could almost see something like… real… desire. It was completely different from the look boys give you when they have a crush on you, or when they're thinking about kissing you. This was the same kind of look I'd only seen a few times before, and each time I'd seen it, it was always quickly followed by an apology or a 'we should stop'.
But to see that same look in a man's eyes without the layers of guilt and uncertainty hiding behind it was completely new to me.
This man… he really doesn't see me as a kid… he's looking at me like if he could kiss me right now, there wouldn't be any sort of guilt or restraint.
His lips pressed harder against my skin as he travelled down my hand to my wrist, his half-closed eyes never leaving mine. This all felt so new. It felt so different.
My heart was beating way too hard already.
His lips left my skin as his face inched downward to mine, his cologne stinging my nose the way I was starting to really like.
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He walked out of the shop, after a polite exchange with the woman behind the counter, the door jingling behind him.
It wasn't long after he started walking down the sidewalk again that his mind wandered back to the plans for this evening.
Things are definitely going to get mixed up.
He sighed to himself.
But maybe it's for the best… if I could plan everything like I wanted I would probably go a few steps too far and jeopardize the mission… or my personally life.
But still, thinking back to the reason why he wouldn't be able to enjoy this evening as much as he wanted was still enough to ruin the recently good mood he had fallen into. But the mistress' words from this afternoon still echoed in his head, amplifying the annoying quality of her voice unnecessarily:
'What do you want?' ?" His voice was completely monotonous as if he didn't care at all about the fact that he just dropped his 'Kyousuke' act.
The mistress only smiled to herself like a manipulative kid who had just got her way again.
"I need a man." She answered after a few more seconds of gloating.
A moment of awkwardness passed.
"Are you desperate or something?" He asked plainly, knowing it was offensive.
"No!" She nearly whined. "I could get any man I want!" She exclaimed proudly, disturbing a few of the other women customers who sneered at the mistress's unabashed display of confidence.
"Then why don't you get another man?" Kakashi asked as he sighed, already dying to tear himself away from this woman.
"Because I want you!" She pleaded like a kid. "I need someone Momo will notice around me tonight…" She paused for a moment suddenly looking as pitiful as was possible. "He hasn't been paying me any attention lately and he won't even call me his mistress publicly anymore." She pouted to herself as if this could somehow be relatable to him.
He had to stop himself from smacking his forehead when he realized just what exactly he was in for.
Couldn't she at least come up with some sort of evil plan or something that could make this blackmail situation worth his time?
Why did she have to bother him and his evening just so that she could play the 'jealousy game' with her married lover who's probably going to be so busy getting arrested tonight that he won't care if his mistress is hanging on some other man.
"So tonight at the party, just ditch your little fiancée and you can spend the whole time with me."
He hated the way she made it sound like she was giving him a treat but she was already flitting away from him, all smiles and giggles again now that her petty plans had won over his own and were now dominating his evening.
Just the memory of that made him sigh and lean his head back towards the sky, tired.
The same mistakes from the past seem to be haunting me.
He thought back to the Masquerade… how he invited Anko.
He still remembered the mixture of pain and shock in Sakura's eyes as she saw them together… even if that was a long time ago, and he knew Sakura could handle these things better now that their relationship was stronger than ever and because she must know by now how much he cares for her… he could still imagine how disappointed she's going to look once he has to leave her alone tonight at that party.
He couldn't blame her.
Even if he was the adult and was supposed to be better at handling these things, Kakashi could just imagine how much he'd be bothered by seeing Sakura accompanying another man…
He kicked a pebble on the street a little forcefully with the thought.
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He was so close.
I could feel the warmth radiating off of him in an almost familiar way. But Kakashi seemed warmer.
Kakashi.
I opened my eyes a little wider with the memory of his name, the memory of his kiss. The only one I'd ever known. I suddenly had a chilling realization that that last thought wasn't going to be true in a few seconds if I just sat here like this.
My head cleared.
What the hell?
I threw my head back recklessly, almost losing balance and falling off the bench.
The man sitting next to me fought for my balance, his hand pulling my own back to him, anchoring me back to where I was before. I'd rather fall on my face than go back to the exact position I was just in.
He didn't give me a chance to make a fool of myself again, though I'd already made myself a fool, he pulled me back with a firm tug. My face was closer to his than it was before.
He was smiling down at me, a playful smile that told me he thought I was being funny… I was okay with seeing that expression on Kakashi-sensei, but not this man.
He leaned down a little again. Apparently he didn't understand that I wasn't just being clumsy again, that I had actually been trying to pull myself away from him just now.
My stomach bounced around in my body when I even felt his breath on my lips.
This felt so wrong.
"OK."
My voice had broken whatever moment that was with a loud and bracing tone. I looked away from his face, towards the eye-level collar of his shirt, trying to focus, my eyes unblinking.
He leaned away again, but he was still too close for my liking.
"What's wrong?"
His voice confused me further when I actually heard genuine worry in it.
Had this been the old-Hiroki I would've just punched him, or kicked him, or something that would've landed him on the ground in pain while I stomped off, huffing with irritation. But this wasn't him. This guy was the perfect gentleman who made a move after he thought he figured out I was actually single.
Wait… am I defending him?
…. Well,, it's not like he did anything wrong…
But it feels like he did.
What the hell is wrong with me!
"I'm sorry." His voice interrupted my thought-organization moment. "I got carried away again." He excused himself, his figure leaning farther away.
The smell of his cologne weakened some, I felt like I could think a little clearer now.
"I know you probably have no interest in a man like me." I steadily moved my eyes back to his face, still not blinking. He was smiling, his eyes closed with a sort of nervous humor… he almost seemed a little… hurt.
I felt my own expression twitch when the look on his face go to me.
How can he make me feel so guilty!
"I'm too old for a young woman like you." He added to his last sentence.
I fidgeted on the spot, unable to think of anything else to say besides:
"I don't really have a problem with age…" I mumbled awkwardly, feeling like a hypocrite if I just led him on to believe that I thought he was too old.
Sure, there was a time in my life when even the thought of dating a guy three or four years older than me was weird… but after being with Kakashi for this long… things change.
I could feel him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I hoped I wasn't giving him mixed signals or something. I spoke up again quickly, before he could take what I just said the wrong way.
"Uh-Kyousuke and I… it's um…" I wondered if I should be telling him the truth or not, I felt like I should, "it's not what you think, really." I finished vaguely.
Well, if he thought that we weren't together, then it really wasn't what he thought.
"Oh. I see." He said quietly before a moment of silence, "He's a lucky kid, then." Again, his age was apparent through the way he called Kakashi a kid.
I had to wonder if Kakashi was really 'lucky' or not because of me. I wasn't really a catch for someone like Kakashi-sensei.
"Well, as a personal apology, I guess I have no choice but to help you on your mission." He spoke up with a refreshed voice, as if he was just trying to sweep what just happened under the rug. "I'll do what I can to find you a seat for the meeting."
"Thank you." I said as graciously as possible as I stood back up. His gentlemanly instincts seem to kick in as he stood up as I did. I noticed again how tall he was.
"But I wish you'd still reconsider going." I caught his blue eyes staring down at me like he was actually a little worried for me.
"I have to. It's my job." I smiled up at him as sincerely as I could.
"Alright... Until then." He pardoned himself with a smile brighter than my own, but still pained.
I walked away from that meeting thoroughly awkward-ified.
I still felt a little emotionally queasy for letting him get so close, and for not only feeling guilty when I pushed him away, and for feeling guilty right now as I wished I could've tied up that conversation a bit better.
I walked out here thinking I was going to be a skilled kunoichi and exercise my interrogational knowledge, that I was going to skillfully guide the conversation to get as much information as possible… but in reality I couldn't even focus enough to get anything more than a reservation at that meeting tonight.
Something is definitely wrong with me.
I slid open the door to my room tiredly, dragging the dress's train behind me carelessly. I trudged over to the nearest futon and crawled onto it… feeling a little mopy for being so useless, hoping that rest would wash away the several types of guilt I was feeling right now.
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He walked through the doorway, already forgetting everything else outside this room when he peeked through the door to his right to see a pink-haired girl curled up on a single futon, her violet dress draped over her, not doing a very good job of covering her up.
After spending only a moment in the doorway, just watching her shoulder raise and fall slowly a few times, he decided to walk into the room.
A moment later he was already sitting by her side. He smiled to himself in the quiet moment.
She was so cute when she slept.
She looked like a kid again, innocent, unbothered by the world… as if she didn't have any secrets or told any lies.
His eyes narrowed and his brow furrowing slightly when that thought passed through his mind.
His ungloved hand reached out to her cheek, enjoying the softness of her skin as he brushed his fingertips into her hair for a moment.
He wished he could give her a life like that. One where she wouldn't have to constantly look over her shoulder before she kissed him, one where she wouldn't have to lie to her friends and parents about where she was or why she was late getting home.
His jaw clenched tighter the longer his mind stayed on the subject.
This isn't right for her.
Her first experience with romance shouldn't have been one so full of secrecy and confusion and worry. It should've been easy and fun and open.
I can't give her any of that.
Not yet, anyways.
That made him feel a little better… before:
But can this really survive the years of secrecy ahead of us?
How can I expect her to put herself through all this for me?
…
I guess, if she can, I'll have to make it up to her.
Someday.
His hand left her hair just as she sighed in her sleep, he reached into his pocket, taking out a little box.
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Part 2 will be out later today, promise!