Chapter 58!
Title:'Lies and Living'
Note: Ok… this is /almost/ a two-oarter but not really. I just wrote two chapters at once because I couldn't stop.
So another bonus chapter this time! Yay!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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It took all his willpower to keep himself from turning around and killing him.
The need to pummel him into the ground, crush and bury him was impossible to ignore and almost impossible to keep from acting on.
"If you go with him, you're dead!"
He kept walking, pulling her hand behind him a little briskly, trying to get her away from that man as fast as possible.
But the bastard wouldn't shut up.
"Stupid girl! He can't save you! He'll sacrifice you for the mission! That's what he's been taught! He doesn't want you!"
That was it.
Before he could think of doing anything else right now breathing and blinking were lower on his body's priorities than the need to turn around and pull her face to his.
It was either this or killing that bastard… he still couldn't tell which one was a better choice.
But he wanted her more right now. To claim her, to touch her, to feel her.
To make sure she was still his.
He didn't even let himself think about anything except her.
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His lips seemed to be pressed against mine for ages. I'd experienced some of his kisses that seemed to defy time before. I knew how he could almost bend time to his will, making the moment last hours and less than a second at the same time. But this was completely different.
It couldn't end fast enough.
It seemed to take lifetimes for a single movement of his masked lips.
I tried to regain my focus…
He's really kissing me.
He's really kissing me in front of other people.
He's really kissing me in front of the two people in this room we had to keep this from.
He's really endangering everything we've worked so hard to keep hidden by kissing me.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?
I used what strength I'd regained since this man saved me, and had survived the shock he was giving me right now, to try and pry myself from him.
I know that you're probably so eager to have everyone find out about us, but I can't let you ruin yourself over this!
His hands held my face to his tighter.
Even if his lips were masked I could still recognize their shape, their movements, they still made my knees shudder when they slid along my own lips like that, but I couldn't let him do this!
Though my efforts didn't pay off, I felt his grip on me ease slightly when:
"Wha-WHAT'S GOING ON?"
Naruto wasn't stupid enough to think this was 'nothing to worry about'.
He still didn't pull away, though his movements hesitated as if acting on instinct to stop when he heard Naruto start yelling.
My panic had peaked, my hands were gripping onto his shoulders as tightly as I could, pushing as hard as they could. He only leaned down closer for a moment, letting my weak strength barely straighten the posture of his shoulders a little.
I was really starting to freak out.
Everything was going so wrong!
This wasn't how this mission was supposed to end up!
Wasn't this just supposed to a fun, stupid, couple of days at an onsen where my worst worries were just supposed to be the sleeping arrangements or taking baths!
How did we get here?
"WHAT'RE YOU DOING, KA-"
The screeching voice muffled before it faded out. Kakashi finally let me push myself away from him, his hand barely gripping onto my arm as I stumbled back a little.
I was about to yell at him, to do something to get him as scared as I was.
But I couldn't say anything when I finally saw his face.
I barely caught a glimpse of that expression before he turned away.
He…
He looked so… sad.
And angry.
I hadn't seen that type of anger on his face in a long time.
Who was he angry at? Hiroki?
When I noticed that Kakashi was now looking over at Hiroki, his expression no longer holding any trace of that anger my fear grew exponentially when I thought he was angry at me.
I've seen Kakashi get angry at me.
Of course, when I was younger he'd scold me if I did something reckless or endangered the mission carelessly. He'd sigh with aggravation and lecture me if I let a target slip from sight. And even those moments of irritation he held for the childish-me of all that time ago were different than the anger he directed at me when I had asked too many questions about Asaka and learned more than he wanted me to.
But… this was different.
No matter how angry he had ever been at me, he'd always have some sort of trace of… care.
But his expression just now…
… he wasn't angry at me…
…maybe it was Hiroki… but something told me that was wrong, too.
Unable to find the answer to my own question fast enough I was rocketed back to reality when I heard Kakashi's voice pick up.
"You shouldn't go trying to steal away a man's fiancée like that." He excused his violent outburst only seconds ago with that arrogant voice that sounded nothing like him. The way he talked, it sounded like he was talking about a pet pig that was named 'fiancee'.
He was trying to play this off as 'Kyosuke'.
Does he even think he can pretend what he just did was an act?
Finally remembering myself I looked back to the gawking crowd for the loud, blond boy, who could potentially ruin my life very soon.
He wasn't that hard to find, not that he ever was, but when his arms and legs were flailing like that as Sai covered his mouth and started dragging him to the back of the crowd, anybody would see the sheer confusion and frustration on his face.
I could just imagine Naruto running to Lady Tsunade about this as soon as possible.
I was about to follow after those two and try and come up with some sort of excuse, but that was before a hand slinked around my waist, like it had done early that evening, and started leading me through the crowd like I was some pet that needed his arm as a leash.
But it wasn't difficult to feel the real Kakashi in his touch.
His fingers were digging into my side a little roughly, but I knew he wasn't doing it on purpose. He'd always lose track of his strength when he was like this.
His entire body seemed stiff, though people who hadn't spent as much time with him as I did (I'm not sure there was anyone who ever spent as much time with him as I did lately) wouldn't have noticed how tense he actually was.
It was infectious.
It was always times like these I'd look to Kakashi to make up plans and excuses, but I felt so unsure right now.
Could he really be thinking straight enough to even try and cover things back up?
Was he even going to try and cover this up?
What if he was just going to spill our secret tonight?
He can't be that reckless, right?
I didn't have enough time to even think about that as the bustling crowd started chatting again, falling into itself as people talked about either what just happened and what they were talking about before. I saw some of Momoshita's men run past us to get to the bleeding man Kakashi had left back there. I was about to look over my shoulder to check the damage, or to check Kakashi's expression again, already feeling frayed and stretched by everything of this situation, but I couldn't.
It didn't help my nerves when my biggest and loudest problem came crashing back into my ears again.
"WHAT GOING ON?"
Sai seemed to have accidentally let him slip.
Or maybe he did it on purpose…
Naruto came running up to us, not caring about the mob members he bumped into on his way over to us. Kakashi's hand seemed to tighten and loosen on me at the same time, like he was struggling with the idea of letting me go or not. I felt a little better and worse when his hand did let go of me.
I wanted his touch to give me the security it always did. But at least I knew now that Kakashi wasn't planning on outing our secret.
Naruto galloped right in front of us, Sai followed after him as gracefully as he could. His body language didn't seem tense or urgent. He must've found this 'interesting' as well. I didn't even want to look at Sai's face, and whatever furtive look it was probably holding right now.
"Calm down." Kakashi's voice was back to normal –almost too normal- as he ordered Naruto to stop attracting attention to us, "It was only for the mission."
I looked over to him, taking a little step back. He really was going to find some way to excuse what just happened!
"LIKE I'D BELIEVE THA-" Naruto didn't believe what he was hearing either.
Kakashi cut him off, his voice a lot more serious than before, even I suddenly felt at attention. Some sort of instinct put my already frazzled nerves on edge to hear his voice like that, it must've been somes ort of condition training to straighten your posture and listen more intently when your team captain suddenly sounded so… severe. "As far as any of the yakuza members here know, they didn't just see two shinobi get their identities uncovered." He started to explain quietly, "They think they just saw a drunken fight over a woman." The way he said 'woman' sounded so strange to me. He'd always be so careful never to call me a 'woman' before. "I did what I had to do to cover up the situation." He shook my attention back to him with that.
Even I had to give a second thought whether or not he'd really just planned everything like that.
But the look he gave me after he kissed me… that wasn't planned, was it?
Naruto seemed to share the same rigid posture I did, no doubt reflecting the same instinct he had as a subordinate to Kakashi for the years he's been our teacher. But he still didn't seem convinced. "But why? What about Saku-"
"Quiet." Sai cut Naruto off before he could finish my name and let slip our identities to any snooping eavesdroppers. Kakashi's voice had been to low for anyone else but us to hear, but Naruto always had volume issues.
Out of all of us Sai was probably the most level-headed right now (Kakashi might seem to be, too, but I could tell he was really wasn't back to himself yet).
I suddenly felt like I was finally a part of this nerve racking conversation after the almost-mention of my name and the worried look from Naruto. Like he was scared that some of my virtue had been stolen without my permission or something. It was almost sweet if it wasn't so guilt-inducing to know I'd have to lie again right now.
"It's okay." I tried to sound convincing, "It didn't mean anything." I added with something of a smile, screwed up with anxiety and lies.
"But-" He still wasn't sure, though he seemed a bit better now.
"It's just Kakashi-sensei." I said before really thinking. Now I felt horrible for not only lying, and lying so badly, but for the way Kakashi seemed to twitch on the spot with the way I said that. 'It's just Kakashi-sensei.' It sounded like something I would've said a year ago. Brushing him off like that. Like nothing about him meant anything.
It was kind of mean.
I didn't even remember to gauge Naruto's convincement-level until I heard Sai interrupt the awkward silence.
"I don't even believe that constituted as real kiss, either. Kakashi-san's mask came in handy, right, Naruto-kun?" Sai was quietly coddling him into our lies like he was a part of it, too. Naruto seemed almost completely better with that, but it seemed more like he was just letting himself think what he wanted to.
I felt horrible.
This was horrible.
Someday, I was going to have to apologize to Naruto about all this.
I looked over to Kakashi.
He seemed more interested in the crowd around us, keeping watch on any change in the scene, probably trying to ignore whatever this situation was doing to us and be the team captain he is.
I'd have to apologize to him, too, wouldn't I?
...
I was really starting to hate all these lies.
But even if we weren't trying so hard to hide what just happened under false explanations, we'd still needed to find a way to get the whole team functioning for what we were probably going to have to deal with very soon.
Hiroki's words came back to my mind, making my stomach lurch at the memory of his voice in my ear.
'… we're going to to kill you and your teammates in front of the Yomasa clan, to demonstrate our loyalty and power...'
Once the Yomasa clan shows up, we'll have to deal with that.
"… I guess." Naruto spoke up, calling my attention back to reality, he was still visibly unsure, but a lot more compliant after Sai's help. Even if Sai didn't know as much as he thought he did, he felt like he was a part of all this now for some reason.
But it wasn't two seconds before Naruto perked up with a question he must've thought was of dire importance.
He turned to me seriously and asked with a business-like tone, his voice lower than it had been before.
"But that was your fi-first kiss, right?" He stuttered at the mention of 'first kiss' as if it was a sacred thing that I still hadn't known yet. "And it was with that…" Naruto added quietly, motioning towards Kakashi-sensei, leaving off what noun or adjective with a little vindictive spirit."How can you be so calm after that geezer just kissed you?" His tone picked up with urgency.
I definitely wasn't calm now.
I didn't even look to see how Kakashi reacted to being called a 'geezer', since it would probably just spur me into a ciolent rant against Naruto about being more professional and respecting your team leader I decided not to say anything.
Besides...
I thought we just settled that it wasn't really a kiss?
… then again, how could it not be a kiss?
But before Naruto could worry any long about a first kiss that had already been lost many weeks ago to that 'geezer', something interrupted my attention.
There was a sudden movement at the main entrance of the hall. I looked over, the door were opening.
I suddenly felt my stomach drop in dread when every other party-goers went silent, as if the people who just entered were important and worth a few moments of somber appreciation.
I glanced at Kakashi, he seemed to know exactly what was going on.
But my other team-members didn't seem to read the atmosphere right.
"I heard your first kiss was with the deserter Sasuke Uchiha." Sai brought up, leaning down to Naruto a little, saying It quietly.
"Wh-where'd you hear that!" Naruto piped up, forgetting not only about me but about where he was, I could almost imagine his face getting red with embarrassment, but I was too busy trying ot look over the heads of the crowd to see who just entered the hall, "That wasn't real! It was just…It was a mistake! Some loser bumped me into him, that's all!" Naruto continued, he sounded like he was about punch Sai for bringing up that extremely old memory.
"Quiet." Kakashi ordered with a low voice, unaffected by the antics behind him.
The two boys went quiet like everyone else was.
We all looked as the crowd started separating a little. People seemed on edge, as if these new guests were really a group to be scared of. A whole room of yakuza leaders were tense because of these people.
Who else could it be but Momoshita's rivals, the Yomasa clan?
I looked over to Kakashi for another moment.
I knew he knew exactly what was going on. He was taller than me, he could see and recognize the new guests without having to guess like we did.
He looked away from the Yomasa members as I heard some voices pick up and exchange humble greetings with them in a social small-talk manner.
"Split up." Kakashi said under his breath, still scanning the crowd that was mesmerized and mumbling about the people at the front of the room.
"What?" Naruto asked only a little loudly.
Kakashi only took a step away from Naruto, not looking at him. He was really serious right now. "Try to get an angle on them, make yourself blend in."
"But-" Naruto was still confused.
"Don't do anything till I say so." And with that I watched as Sai nodded swiftly and started to lead the confused Naruto away from our spot before going his own way. I was about to pick a direction in the crowd to start creeping through myself, but a hand landed on my wrist, keeping me from walking more than a step away from him.
"Stay with me."
Even as he said that and started leading me in the opposite direction he still sounded like a team captain and not 'Kakashi', as if the fact that I didn't go off on my own was just as important, if not part of, the mission to him. The crowd started to ease back into its previous party festivities as the Yomasa clan must've been integrating itself with the others, trying to blend in as much as we were.
I followed him, a little grateful to be with him, but still a little scared to be alone with him.
Not scared of him, just… worried… about what he must be thinking.
I watched his back intently.
He must be so disappointed in me.
I ruined the plan… If I had just been able to take care of myself we wouldn't be this disorganized.
We walked through the crowd for a few more paces, just like we'd done when we first got here, except I definitely wasn't smiling or laughing at any jokes of his. Nobody seemed to notice us, everyone was just talking about the new arrivals. We got to the wall and started following along it to get better position on the Yomasa members. I wasn't sure what he was planning.
My mind was still elsewhere.
It was hard not to focus on the way his hand was gripping my wrist a little too tightly, or on the scowl I could see behind his mask whenever I saw his profile whenever he looked to his left towards the crowd.
This wasn't right.
He shouldn't have to be like this because I screwed everything up.
I didn't care if it wasn't the right time, I still had to say something.
"I'm sorry." I suddenly felt more guilt fall back into place after saying those words.
He didn't seem to give much reaction to my words. He just glanced at me over his shoulder for a moment before looking back to the crowd.
That seemed like something he'd do when he was mission-oriented… he might be thinking a lot of things, but his face was too steeled over by years of experience on the battlefield to show me what he was thinking.
But I hoped he knew what I was apologizing for.
The way he had to save me… I broke a promise that I could look out for myself, I made him worry and ruin his plans for me… It felt horrible, this familiar feeling of being a nuisance. My hand shook in his for a moment as I tightened my grip before finding my voice, "I-… I said I could take care of myself and I still couldn't. I let him… I let hi-"
"What did he do?" He cut me off, catching me off guard with that question. I had thought he was going to ignore my apology, accept it and brush it off so that he could execute the mission right now… That he'd only keep an eye on the enemy and talk about this later… but… he wanted to know what happened... He wanted to know what happened to me…I couldn't think. 'What did he do?'
"He-" I finished before I started, stopping myself from saying anything more than that syllable.
I couldn't talk.
Suddenly my stomach felt like it was ringing itself over and over on itself, my heart thudded grossly, I could almost feel his tongue on my skin again, his stubble scraping across my throat, his groaning slithering into my ear, his hand-
I had to stop moving. I felt like I was going to hurl.
I leaned against the wall for a moment trying to control how weird my breathing just got. Kakashi turned around when he noticed I stopped moving, I suddenly regretting making him look at me.
I didn't want him to look at me while I was remembering what just happened.
What I let happen.
I tried to push myself off the wall, but I almost lost balance again.
His hands grabbed my shoulders firmly, keeping me in place. I didn't want him to touch me, but I needed more of it. I didn't want him to touch me when I could remember that man's touch, but I wanted to forget any other hands with his touch.
My fingers found his right wrist, unsure whether to hold onto him or pull his hand away from me.
I didn't have enough strength for the latter so I just held onto him.
"What did he-?"
His voice was still a team captain's, my posture tensed as I suddenly felt obligated to tell him everything. But I couldn't. I cut him off before he could finish that question.
"No-nothing…" I said immediately, ignoring my instincts as his subordinate just this once. I couldn't tell him.
I couldn't let him know how weak I had been. Even if things hadn't gotten as bad as they could've, which sickened me to think of how much worse it could've gotten if he hadn't been there for me, I still felt like a failure not only as a member of his team but as his….
"You're lying." He stated the obvious harshly, his grip tightening on me.
My fingers tightened around his wrist in reaction. I was starting to feel a little desperate.
I didn't want to talk about this anymore.
I had to look away from him, my eyes stared at the red and gold patterned carpet beneath us.
Even if most of his face was covered, I couldn't look at him. He was still Kakashi-sensei… and I was still an embarrassment right now, wasn't I?
"I'm sorry…" I felt my throat tighten up. My eyes stinging, I swallowed hard. I definitely couldn't cry in front of him again. I said I would never let myself be that weak again; I wouldn't be that crybaby kid I used to be in front of him anymore. I had to show him that even if I was so stupid tonight, I still wasn't as bad as the little girl he knew four years ago. "I said I could handle myself. You told me not to-… but I just screwed it up, I couldn-"
"Stop."
His hands pulled me forward, pressing my head against his chest.
His arms tightened around me more firmly than I ever felt before.
I could barely breathe, but I loved it.
I didn't want to breathe if that was the price of feeling him like this.
His arms were almost hurting me, but I felt safer than I had ever before. He was here. I was here.
Even if I always got myself into stupid problems and he had to save me. He was still here.
He still wanted me. He didn't care if I was still so stupid. He didn't care if I was still such a kid.
I could feel his face tuck next to mine.
His hand on the back of my head tilted my face closer to his as his other arm tightened even harder across my back.
This embrace was so different than I was used to. All his hugs were always so constrained, gentle, but he always held me at some sort of distance, as if he was afraid of hurting me.
Now it was like he was doing everything he could just to feel me closer to him, to cover me as much as he could, to make sure I was safe, that he still had a place with me.
This was what I needed.
I knew I couldn't pull him against me as tightly as I would've if I still wasn't suffering the side effects of that toxin, but I did the best I could, my hands grappling onto his jacket, trying to search for a way to feel more of him.
I needed this.
I needed this.
"I'm sorry."
I almost felt him shake with those words.
We were so close, our bodies picking up on the slightest movement of the other, that for a moment I thought I said that… The thought of him saying those words seemed too ridiculous to me.
But now I understood.
That anger from before. That sadness.
He wasn't angry at me.
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He could still feel her shaking a little. He wondered if she even knew how fragile she felt when she was quivering like this, or if she even knew that she was.
No matter how tightly he held her, she still couldn't stop shivering. Her breathing was a little too fast, like it had been a few seconds before he pulled her against him. Her face had lost all color; she couldn't even stand on her own.
How could she be like this?
What did that asshole do to her?
His arms tightened around her almost possessively at the thought that any other man had held her.
Why did she think she had to keep apologizing?
None of this was her fault.
If only he'd gotten to her sooner, she wouldn't be this… fragile. If he had just gotten there sooner…
If he had just…
…
"I'm sorry."
I'm sorry I let that happen to you.
He pressed his face against the side of hers, not caring about how it was almost uncomfortable to lean down this far.
He just needed more of her.
He needed to make sure she was alright.
He wanted to kiss her, to carry her out of this room, away from all the danger and confusion. He didn't care if the war broke out because they weren't there, he just wanted to lay her down, take off that ridiculous dress, and feel every inch of her against him, against his hands and lips and skin, he wanted to wash away whatever that bastard had done to her, make her forget anybody else's hands and lips except his own….
But he couldn't.
No matter how much he wanted to forget everything about his life except her and indulge in everything he's ever wanted with her… he couldn't.
That was their relationship.
That was their life.
Shinobi weren't allowed to love and remain the emotionless weapons they were raised to be.
They still had a mission.
...
But at least he could hold her now for a few seconds longer, and hope her quivering will stop.
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Next chapter!