Chapter 62!
Title:'Routines and Realities'
Note:…
This is kind of a buffer chapter….
Sorry if it isn't that exciting, but it's leading up to the larger plot-points.
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Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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Oh, and thank you for all the reviews lately (even if you guys were a little upset), it really means a lot to me. And thank you, 'white . whale', for the nickname "Today's Scheherazade", that's an amazing compliment!
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He didn't know what he was doing until he pulled her against him.
In that moment, she had been trying to tell him he could leave, that she was alright. But when her voice was shaking like that, when her eyes couldn't meet his, when everything about her seemed to be in pain… he couldn't leave.
He couldn't let her stay like this.
She's probably been like this the whole day… this broken, this torn.
His arms tightened around her without a second thought when he, again, realized how torturous this must be for her.
…
She was so… fragile in his arms.
It wasn't how small her frame was, or how well he could remember how small she had been when she was his student, it was the way her arms, everything about her, seemed so void of strength. She felt like she lost any will to carry herself at all. That she was in so much pain she couldn't support herself.
Iruka's breath caught in his throat with that thought.
How close had they actually been?
This amount of pain…
It's too much for such a young girl…
Before he could think any further he felt her weak arms shake against him like they were trying to push him away, her hands tugged at the buckles of his vest with more strength than anything else about her.
He suddenly felt a little worried. Uncomfortable.
He shouldn't have done this.
He shouldn't have accepted her invitation inside.
What was he thinking?
He shouldn't be here.
He overstepped his bounds by being here. Especially by reaching out to her like that.
… But…
He couldn't care as much as he knew he should've when he found his voice, his arms still starting to ease their hold on her. "I'm sorry. I just…"
He looked down at her, trying to think, but was distracted by how tightly she was pressed against him still, as if she was freezing against the world and was huddling to him for warmth. He shook with a moment of surprise when he felt her arms slide around his sides determinately.
"J-Just a… minute longer."
She asked. Her voice pained and soft.
Even if he knew it wasn't his place… to be here with her… to break the rules like this… he still couldn't stop his arms from closing around her again, tighter than before.
He grimaced when he let his hands fall onto her smaller back flatly.
She was cold. Really cold.
As if she'd been laying in this room for hours without covering up.
Alone.
…
His eyes slipped closed at the amount of pain that gave him.
He wanted to do more.
He needed to do more for her.
He didn't know what he could do.
He settled for pulling her closer, hoping she would find any warmth from him, but just as his grip tightened on her she let out a little whimper. It was muffled, like she had tried to stop it. He looked down at her for only a moment, barely able to see her in the dark and at the close angle, but the way the moonlight reflected off the streams running down her face and the way she was biting into her bottom lip so harshly were impossible to miss.
His eyes tightened shut.
Seeing her like this…
He tucked his chin on the top of her pink head.
He wanted more for her…
"Sakura…" He called her name. She stiffened in his arms for a moment. He winced at how guarded she was even when he was doing everything he could right now. It was like she was afraid of letting him know how hurt she really was. As if it was something she was ashamed of.
His grimace deepened with that.
He took a breath.
"It's okay…" He whispered against her.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to forget how to be strong right now.
…
It's okay to cry in front of me.
He didn't know whether she could hear his thoughts or if she just knew what he was trying to say with those two words, but she did…
He felt the stiffness leave her frame, as if she wasn't trying to hold her breathing back anymore, he felt her arms tighten around him as if he wasn't close enough already.
She was shaking even more violently.
Her voice was picking up in her breathing.
Shaky, soft, sorrowful, weak sounds.
Every time he heard her sob he couldn't keep himself from holding her closer.
This wasn't right.
She shouldn't be like this.
She shouldn't be in this pain.
She shouldn't be here shaking in his arms with pain.
…
He should be here.
…
Iruka, somewhere in his heart, didn't want to admit it… but… he knew he couldn't do as much for her as Kakashi could.
If Kakashi was here.
If he was the man he needed to be for this girl.
She wouldn't be crying out in pain like this.
He could feel something like resentment growing in his heart, which burned with its own sorrow for this girl. A resentment that was probably ill-founded and unnecessary.
But he had promised.
That man had promised him.
… He promised...
He wouldn't let her get hurt.
…
Look at her.
…
He let this happen to her.
…
The dull burn of frustration in his chest and throat grew with her sobs; they didn't seem anywhere near ready to stop. But he hoped that the burning in his chest could at least warm her.
If anything, that was why he was here.
For her.
…
Even if that man wasn't here.
He was.
He would be here as long as she needed him.
…
Fear grew in him when he felt her arms start uncoiling from around his waist. He wasn't sure if she could stand on her own right now.
Her breathing was just as shaky as before, but she wasn't trying to hide it now. Her arms left him completely.
He still wanted to hold her for a few more minutes.
Just to make sure she was still here.
She seemed so lost to him already.
…
"Iruka-sensei…" He tried not to pay attention to the pain in her voice. "I-I…"
She looked away from him.
He didn't like it, but he didn't say anything.
"I don't know…" She took a breath that seemed to clear out her voice a little, "I don't know if I can do this."
She wiped her face with her fists, turning even farther away from him. He really didn't like the way she was trying to hide.
"I don't know how I can look at him again without…" She whispered as if she was even ashamed to be talking about this. He could barely stand this. Her voice picked up as she turned even farther away from him, "Maybe… Maybe I should… just… just…." It was getting harder for her to speak without letting her voice quiver. "Maybe I should just leave him alone…" She said quickly.
Iruka shifted on the spot for a moment.
Guilt coursed through him when he realized that was what he was planning on talking Kakashi into before… before this….
"I could transfer." That last word was ripped from her throat with a sob she couldn't hide.
That woke him up from his silence.
…
This was enough.
…
He couldn't take this anymore.
…
He didn't know how she could even talk right now if he was having enough trouble thinking through the pain he felt from… for… her.
His hands reached out before he could think of not letting them. They landed on her shoulders as gently as he could let them.
"Don't say that." His voice was louder than he wanted it to be. he suddenly worried about her parents for a moment, feeling even worse that he had to worry about her parents... but her expression distracted him. She looked a little surprised. Her pink-tinted eyes slightly widened.
He took a breath, letting his hands shift along her cold skin for a moment. He hadn't realized she was wearing a tank top till then, he thought about letting her go, but was distracted by her words.
"I've been thinking." She sounded a little better for some reason, but it didn't last. "What if it's best to just… let him forget…"
Pain filled her face again like she regretted saying it the moment she did. He didn't know how to feel about this.
She looked away from him, about to bow her head away from him. About to hide, again.
He didn't let her.
His hands lifted from her cold shoulders gently before he let them find the sides of her jaw. Her smaller chin lifted upwards slightly as his palms titled her face to look at his. "Don't think like that." He almost whispered. He knew she couldn't just forget Kakashi the way he had forgotten her. She shouldn't have to.
This had to be fixed somehow.
He didn't know how it could, but he didn't want her to give up so easily like that… it wasn't like her.
She's too strong for that.
...
She just looked at him for a long moment.
Long enough to make him wonder why she wasn't saying anything.
He realized how close they were.
He hands left her almost immediately.
Again he felt uncomfortable.
He shouldn't be here.
He shouldn't be here.
He shouldn't have touched her just now.
She didn't look away from him even after he cleared his throat and took a half-step back. His hands felt colder than before as they dropped to his sides.
He shouldn't be here
...
This wasn't his place.
...
"Iruk-"
"Sakura." He interrupted her accidentally. He took the chance anyways. "If you ever need me again." He wasn't sure if he should've used 'again'…. He hadn't done anything tonight. At least he didn't feel like he did. "You can come see me at any time. Any time you need me." A moment passed. She looked away from him, hiding her face a little.
He knew better than to let that bother him again.
"Ok." She accepted the offer quietly as he started to walk back to the door, reminded of the rules he broke to get here, feeling guilty. He didn't focus on that when he remembered to mention, "I usually spend the weekdays at the Academy till late at night. But if-…" He stopped himself from saying she could visit him at his home if she needed, he would be stepping too far over his bounds to say something like that, "If you need me, don't hesitate to find me." He settled.
She nodded as he gave her one last glance before walking out the door.
Again, she looked so frail.
Just the way she held herself.
Shaky, weak, limp.
She looked cold, but not as cold as she actually was.
He stopped himself from turning back when he felt the need to make sure she was warm before he left.
He climbed over the little balcony wall.
"Thank you." A small voice said quietly as he landed on his feet.
He heard the door close from a story up.
He still felt like he made a mistake just now.
…. But….
As he noticed his palms were slightly damp from how he held her face just now. He felt like… maybe… he helped her a little. He couldn't imagine how… but… if only just a little.
If only just a little.
He'd be happy with that.
He started walking down the silent street, his thoughts lost in the dark. He couldn't think about anything besides her right now.
… … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … …
As soon as he was gone, everything seemed quieter, colder.
I could feel something like shame creep into my stomach.
I wiped my face with my arms almost too harshly.
I cried.
I really just cried.
I broke down.
Why did I do that?
Why did I have to do that?
…
I just felt like I could…
…
He was so… warm.
…
I rubbed my eyes as I stumbled back to my bed. I sat down. I noticed I didn't feel so numb anymore. I didn't feel so… disconnected. Today had seemed so disjointed from reality… I was starting to wonder if this was all really just another bad dream. I'd only been having them the whole day.
I knew it wasn't a dream, I knew it wasn't… and I didn't want it to be. Because then I would lose everything.
I thought that if I forgot what was real. If I forgot what happened between Ka-…. I had to take a moment to ignore how my much heart hurt… If I forgot what happened between us… then that would be it. The actual end.
I was the last remaining piece of the secret we had.
If I forgot it, then it would be like it never existed.
And that's what scared me the most.
Even if it meant the pain would go away, I wouldn't trade these memories for anything.
But still… I didn't need to worry about that anymore.
Because….
I wasn't the only one.
…
I looked back to the door where he had just been standing only minutes ago.
…
He knew.
He knew.
He didn't know everything… but he knew we existed.
He knew we existed.
We existed.
He was the only one.
…
I felt that gratitude build in my chest again, filling the emptiness I felt in there before with something warm and comforting. I never thought I'd be so grateful for what happened that night at the Main Hall when Iruka-sensei found us.
I never thought I'd be so grateful someone found us.
I never knew how lucky I was that it was Iruka-sensei.
… he was kind and gentle. He seemed to understand everything, even if he never really liked seeing Kakashi and me together. He still understood. But he left so quickly just now. Almost like he didn't want to be here anymore.
I tried not to think about it.
I was getting cold again. The warmth from that hug hadn't lasted long enough.
I laid down on my bed, my eyes sore and dry. I pulled the covers up.
I was warm again.
But it wasn't the right kind of warmth.
I tried to imagine a pair of arms around me.
I could easily remember the exact weight of Kakashi's arms. How they felt when they wrapped around my shoulders. How his hands felt wrapped around my back. How his right arm felt when it was draped over my waist lazily. What it was like to wake up by his side and feel him holding me close, his unmasked face only inches from mine. The way he'd smile when he woke up, too. Brightly and happily like I hadn't seen before.
My eyes dampened and my heart tugged against my throat when I realized I wasn't going to see that smile again.
I tried not to think about those arms.
My mind remembered the only others I knew right now.
Iruka-sensei's hug wasn't so painful in my mind.
But it wasn't right.
….
I tried not to think about it.
…
I just wanted to be warm again.
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"You didn't even drink tonight!" Onizuka exclaimed as he was tumbling out the door, the last one to leave.
He'd stayed behind a few minutes longer, talking about the old days in ANBU. Kakashi didn't mind, but he was getting tired. He leaned against the wall, waiting for peace and quiet.
"I know." He said lightly as Onizuka grabbed his sandals, slipping them on skillfully for being so drunk. Kakashi almost sighed at how irresponsible it was for a captain like Onizuka to get so wasted, even if he was off-duty. ANBU was a little more sporadic and sudden with missions, he hoped no emergency broke out because they'd find themselves under the command of an idiot right now.
Onizuka tugged on his second sandal.
"You know, it's probably for the best that you can't remember anything about the last time." He hiccupped.
"Why?" The silver-haired man's interest was caught with the mention of his memory loss. All night his 'friends' had played the game of waving any knowledge they had of his life like a treat they never planned on giving a hungry pet, so he was listening intently now.
"You were such a hard-ass when that woman came around again."
Kakashi's eyes narrowed for a moment. Trying to think. "What woman?" He pushed himself off the wall.
"You know who I'm talking about!' Onizuka almost giggled. It was disturbing to see his old colleague, who was renowned for his steely face and responsible air, giggle like a young girl who knew the name of one of her friend's crushes but didn't want to tell.
"I don't. That's why I'm asking." Kakashi said a little harshly.
"That woman." Onizuka stumbled up to his feet, wobbling a little.
Sighing, Kakashi tried to file through all the possible 'woman's this drunk cold be talking about.
"Here's a hint:" The man hiccupped, "Asaka."
...
That wasn't a hint, that was the answer, but his friend's moment of stupidity didn't faze him as that name tensed Kakashi's posture.
...
"She came back?" His voice sounded gravely serious, but Onizuka just wobbled on the spot and nodded.
"Yeah, you and your whole team went to go deal with her after she kicked your ass."
...
"What happened?" He was trying to turn this into an interrogation. It wasn't working. Onizuka was already walking away.
"Nobody knows." He muttered as he started to slowly step down the stairs, Kakashi followed just far enough to hear the rest, "You wouldn't tell anybody. But we only heard she got away."
Onizuka stopped at the step he finished that sentence on. He didn't wobble as he looked up at Kakashi.
The drunk's voice turned even more serious than Kakashi's had, reflecting the spirit that was famous about Onizuka,
"You didn't let her give you the slip on purpose, did you?"
The implication in his voice was as thick as the accusation.
Kakashi had to think for a moment.
"No." He answered coldly, "I don't remember what happened, but I wouldn't let her get away if I couldn't help it."
A moment of silent interrogation passed between them. Onizuka gave a sigh.
"I hope you're right." Onizuka burped, continuing down the steps. "That woman never gives up when she wants something." He muttered just as Kakashi walked back into his apartment, feeling a little disoriented.
He closed the door on the night air, but he didn't do anything for a long moment. He leaned his back on the door, staring at the wooden floor.
He let his hand cover his face for a moment, thinking.
….
Asaka…
… she came back.
But I let her go.
…
His hand slid away from his face, down his jaw. His fingers found the spot on his neck.
He could feel disgust start creeping into him with the thought that whoever he was in these past few months could've been a man that fell for her tricks again.
He suddenly felt that disgust heighten when he imagined Asaka's lips giving him this mark. It felt as if the thought alone was sullying whatever this mark meant… which he wasn't sure how, but he felt it was a lot… purer than Asaka.
But… learning about her re-entrance into his life right when another unknown woman had entered it seemed too coincidental to dismiss logicially…
…
No.
…
He pushed himself away from the door with that single thought. He should know himself better than that. He wouldn't let himself get mixed up with that woman again. It wasn't possible. He hated her too much. Killing her was the only thing he could think of doing to her now. How could it be any different a few months ago?
…
Even so… she wasn't the type to only leave a single, shy, kiss mark like this. She enjoyed leaving a lot more evidence on her lovers.
…
This had to belong to someone else.
A woman who probably wasn't that experienced.
…
He couldn't think of anyone.
The only other single women he knew weren't exactly… 'shy'. Not that they were easy. But when women got around his age group and still didn't have a boyfriend, it wasn't because they never been with a man before, they were just too dedicated to their job, but they definitely weren't inexperienced. The mark on his neck was too light, too weak to belong to a woman with a lot of experience.
… Maybe it really was a woman from out of the village?
He still didn't think that was right.
It wasn't like him anymore… and something about the idea didn't seem right.
…
He walked into his bathroom, checking the mark for no reason he could think of… if only to just make sure it was still there. It still existed.
It did. Slightly faded.
He sighed to himself.
…
Why was he so obsessed with this?
So obsessed that he could even brush off the fact Asaka came back after eight years of exile just to think about this little mark.
Even tonight, at the party, he found himself expecting some sort of woman to arrive late, frantic and panicked or pissed, and tell him he was her 'boyfriend'… But that didn't happen.
… Why was this so important to him?
… Maybe because, besides the cuts and bruises, it was the only evidence of his previous life.
Evidence that had a history he had no memories of.
…
Maybe it was because this meant that there was someone out there who was left with only her own memories of whatever relationship they had.
The thought was depressing.
He pulled up his mask as he left the room, turning off the light.
He wandered back into his bedroom, which was messy now.
He was too tired to think of doing any work.
He turned off the light, pulled off his shirt and lowered himself onto the bed.
He could hear the crickets outside. It fit the atmosphere. His head was completely quiet right now… only little thoughts that didn't mean anything.
He was so tired of concentrating today.
He just wanted some rest.
He'll think about everything tomorrow.
He turned over on his side, pulling the covers over his waist and up to his chest. He pressed his face against his pillow for a moment before grabbing the other one that was cooler than the one he'd been laying on for a few minutes. Just when he felt like he was on the edge of consciousness, he recognized something.
The slightest scent of… strawberries.
He smiled to himself.
That was unexpected.
Strawberries?
He didn't have enough time to think through what that even meant until he couldn't keep his eyes open. All he knew was that the small scent seemed to ease his mind a little. He wasn't even sure why he was smiling anymore when he felt the dream take over.
It just… felt like something to do when he breathed the strangely calming scent in.
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I'm here.
I'm actually here.
…
I don't want to be here.
…
No.
I have stick with this.
It's my job.
This is all it is.
Just my job.
I was assigned to look after his progress, to help him remember the missions. Only the missions.
Nothing else was needed.
I was just like any other medic-nin right now.
I stood at the base of the outside staircase, trying not to move too much, trying not to remember the last time I was here, or the night I had spent here what seemed forever ago.
I took a step up.
I tried to ignore how I could still remember the way my high heels snagged onto the edges of the stairs that night because he was climbing too quickly, his hand pulling mine gently.
I tried to forget those memories.
Just like Kakashi.
I had to forget everything right now.
Later I can take out those memories and think about them until it hurt too much, but that's not who I am right now.
I needed to neatly tuck away everything. Everything I felt for him. Everything I knew about him that he didn't need to know.
…
I need to find who I was before he was a part of me.
…
I existed before these feelings for him did. I was fine back then. I was just me. I need to learn how to be me again now that he….
I took a deep breath instead of finishing that thought, already more than halfway up the stairs.
Just pretend I lost my memories of him the same way he did of me.
Just don't think about it.
Keep it locked up until you get home.
I told myself as I walked across the walkway to the door I knew was his.
Forget who I am now.
Forget who I was with him.
Remember who I used to be.
Even if she is nothing like me, even if he had fixed her for the better since then... she was all I had left of me right now.
I took a deep breath again.
Kakashi-sensei
Kakashi-sensei
Kakashi-sensei
'sensei'
'sensei'
'sensei'
Remember.
Not Kakashi.
Kakashi-'sensei'.
My knuckles hit the wood of the door slowly.
Sensei.
…. … … … … … … … … … …. …. …. …. …. … …. … .. … ..
He didn't know what time to expect her, most of the day had already passed and he hadn't heard from her. She hadn't come yesterday either.
He knew she had probably been tired yesterday, but he was getting restless to learn more about himself and he needed her for that.
He checked the time.
At this rate he'd have to track her down.
Sure it probably wasn't what she had in mind for her vacation, monitoring her boring, old, team captain and telling him everything he was supposed to already know, but he needed this.
He needed to know what happened to his life… so many questions were unanswered…. But…
They were questions she probably didn't know the answer to.
His hand rubbed his neck, still thinking about the mark even though it was slowly fading away.
She wouldn't know who this belonged too, would she?…
Of course not.
If she did that would be completely inappropriate. It was common sense that students were better off not knowing that side of their teacher.
Besides, he never liked mixing work with his personal life.
Ignoring the slight disappointment of realizing that one of the biggest questions that had been plaguing him these two days wasn't going to get answered any time soon, he was distracted from it anyways.
He was about to walk out of his bedroom, checking the mirror one last time before leaving, but as he did he noticed a slight glimmer in the corner of his eye.
He turned to it.
Something small, a little oblong circle, was sitting on top of his bookcase beside his newer team picture. Only glancing at the younger faces of his students and his own smiling, masked, one for a moment he focused back on the object. He picked it up.
A small jade pebble. Swirling patterns of lighter green coiling around on the surface of the stone intricately. A leather cord had been threaded through a small hole at the top.
He looked at it for a long moment.
He'd never seen it before.
But it definitely felt familiar.
Really familiar.
Like he had held it in his hand every day.
He wondered if he wore this strange pendant in the past couple months. That seemed strange to him. Shinobi were never supposed to wear unnecessary accessories, especially necklaces or pendants.
But this.
He turned it over on his palm, it was still warm from the sun. His thumb rubbed the flat surface.
This seemed to be really important.
He could feel it.
He walked to the mirror for a moment, and, very hesitantly, pulled the pendant over his head until it lay flat on his chest.
...
It felt right.
...
He had no idea why, or what it meant. But he definitely wasn't in a position to ignore such strong feelings like these. He felt like he should wear it every day.
He took it in his hand and slid it underneath his shirt without thinking.
After only a second he realized how strange doing that was.
Why'd I do that?
...
'Routine'?
He asked himself mentally, quoting Tsunade of one of the ways to resurrect his memories. By falling into routine again. He thought his life was void of any routine that didn't concern sleeping or personal hygiene… but this moment. It was definitely something he'd been doing for a while.
But why would he hide it under his shirt if it was every day routine?
Was it some kind of secret?
Knock, knock,…. Knock.
The faint tapping of knuckles to his door interrupted his thoughts.
Sakura.
He didn't know how he immediately knew it was her when he actually had forgotten for a spare moment that he was expecting her, but he ignored the feeling.
He was suddenly grateful that he wouldn't have to go out looking for her.
He walked away from the mirror and the strange moment in front of it, making his way to his front door.
He hoped she hadn't planned out some sort of session already.
He had other plans today.
…. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
My knuckles left the door slowly.
I stood there in silence.
I felt like I had just detonated a long distance explosive. I couldn't take back that knock, the same way I couldn't take back the detonation, and now I just had to wait for the damage. Silently.
Suddenly the door handle made a sound, my heart sped up and I wanted to run. I just stood there.
I stared at the ground.
The door opened.
My nails dug into the crescent-shaped cuts in my palm as his legs came into view. He took a step forward, but stopped before the threshold.
"Ah, good afternoon, Sakura." His voice said casually, using that tone. That tone he hadn't used on me in such a long time.
Time seemed to stop for a moment when I couldn't stop myself from looking up at him.
...
This is exactly like it was for all those years.
This is how it was before.
...
This helped.
...
Pretend it's before.
Pretend the this is last year.
He's just Kakashi-sensei.
Not Kakashi.
I went with that thought, knowing how familiar it felt, and forced myself to look up again.
He really was just Kakashi-sensei.
Casual clothes, blue shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, fingerless gloves, no vest, blue mask, forehead protector. Only the section around his right eye was uncovered.
I forced myself to forget what he looked like without that mask on… just for now.
It worked a little.
He was more like Kakashi-'sensei' after that.
I found my voice better than I could the last time I saw him, "Sorry, I'm la-"
He interrupted my sad attempt at being normal.
"No, its fine." He said simply as he stepped through the threshold towards me, I could feel my heart quicken for a moment. I took a step back. "But if it doesn't interfere with your plans…." he turned back to his door, closing it behind him. Keys jingled in his hand for a moment as he locked it single-handedly. "I wanted to try something."
He turned back to me, and I'm not quite sure what happened.
He smiled down at me.
It was his normal, public, smile. The same one he'd give anyone walking down the street.
But it helped.
It helped a little.
I felt a little more… normal.
Not 'normal' in the sense of the word that it had become over the past months, like the 'normal' of sneaking away with this man for privacy, or the 'normal' of waking up beside him if the situation allowed, but the 'normal' I knew before all that. The 'normal' that didn't involve any of these feelings for Kakashi-sensei… or any of these memories.
…
I thought it would hurt.
I thought acting 'normal' around him would be excruciating… but… just in that moment at least, I felt like I could do it.
I could play along.
I could play along until things got better.
I didn't know if they would, especially when I wasn't sure what I had to do for things to get 'better', but I hoped they did.
I finally registered his words as he slipped the keys into his pocket.
I realized I wouldn't have to go in that apartment. That made me feel a little bit 'normal', too.
"What?" I said out loud, my voice seemed out of place with this scene. It was still weak from last night… the sobbing. I ignored it.
He must've too because he didn't seem to notice.
"Come with me." He said lightly, something like a smile in his voice, before starting down the stairs quickly.
Despite the fact I actually opened my hand a fraction, expecting him to take it like he usually did when he was leading me someplace unknown, I did follow him. Rather easily. I felt like a kid again, following after him like this.
I didn't really mind like I used to… because now, feeling like a kid was better than feeling the way I did before…
But this was working.
Whatever this mindset I was in now… even if I felt like I wasn't in control of my body… it soothed the pain a fraction.
As long as I didn't let myself think about anything he didn't know about me.
As long as I didn't let myself think about anything from our past.
As long as I didn't let my thoughts move from the little paralyzed box I was keeping them in now, I wouldn't get hurt.
And so, as if my thoughts were stuck in a dark room full of sharp objects, my mind was too afraid to wander without getting cut. I followed after him without really looking at him. Or thinking about him.
I was suspended in a vacuum.
I didn't know how long this feeling would survive, but right now… nothing seemed to hurt more than it did before.
It was like I was in some type of shock.
That was good… for now… but I knew it couldn't last as long as I needed it to.
And then I realized where we were going.
My mind wandered, and I got cut a little.
I could sense a quick-growing pattern.
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Next chapter will be out soon, too.
Also, this is probably a strange request, but I would really really like to know what you guys listen to while reading this.
My playlist is somewhat old and I'd definitely love to tune into what you guys feel matches my writing.
I got one suggestion the other day by 'Kim', it's an original song called 'Try' by Melissa Polinar. It's only on YouTube. The address is here (you'll have to delete all of the spaces, sorry):
http : / / www . you tube . com / watch?v = -HbALCVhYSM
I immediately fell in love with it. It really does relate very well with this story, especially now that my recent plans for it have caught up.
I just want to know what songs you guys think go well with Growing Pangs, or just your favorite song to listen to while reading it.
Thank you for reading, and thank you very very much if you review with the title of the song. :)