Chapter 63!
Title: 'But I didn't… Part 1'
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Note: OK…. So…. I'm just warning you guys now. The problem with Kakashi's memory will not be a quick or easy fix like I know you(we)'ve been wanting it to be. And I know the wait must be pretty tough. So, in order to expedite the progress of the story without losing any of my original pacing ideas, I'll probably be upload 3-parters for a little while now.
… As per usual, I guess…
Hope you enjoy.
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Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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He made sure not to go too fast.
For her sake.
He had no idea why, but he got the feeling that he needed to go easy today.
She wasn't really herself right now.
Again, the thought made no sense to him, except with the way her eyes looked at him just minutes ago.
Even if she had tried to hide it, he could see something different about her.
She seemed… tired.
Answering the door and seeing her, he could already tell something had happened to her. Hearing her talk, it was even more obvious.
Everything about her seemed exhausted. Almost sad.
He only wondered for a moment what must be going on in her personal life.
He turned west.
Girls her age are always getting mixed up in some sort of teenage drama. She probably had a fight with one of her friends or maybe a boy-
He stopped that thought there.
Even if she was a teenage girl, he really couldn't imagine normal teenage drama taking such a toll her… she might've been easily disturbed emotionally when she was younger, but he noticed that ever since the start of Team Kakashi, she'd been much stronger than that… she's been able to keep up in battle with even more poise than her classmates do today… but she was bothered by something now, and the thought that it was because of a friend or the thought that some boy…
…That her eyes looked a little red, as if she'd been crying the night before, could've been caused by some idiot teenage boy seemed a little too unlikely to him.
But she was around the age that girls would start getting interested in boys.
Then again, he knew that was a little wrong.
She'd been interested in boys since he met her. He could still remember her introduction:
"My name's Haruno Sakura." She said over excitedly.
"My hobbies are… " She glanced at the black-haired boy who ignored her.
"My likes are, well, the person I like is…" She glanced at Sasuke, fidgeting and blushing.
Kakashi nearly sighed at the memory the same way he had when she actually said it.
It always slightly bothered him that she was so obsessed with Sasuke, if only just because he knew it would cause drama inside of his team that he could live without… but even if this was years ago and any drama with the Uchiha boy in the future wasn't going to be inside his team, that memory was still annoying.
He found himself grateful that she wasn't that same little girl anymore.
Of course she wasn't. It's been four years.
She's grown up.
He glanced over his shoulder for a moment. Somewhat proud of her with that thought, but the way she was only staring at her feet reminded him of what he had been thinking about before.
Actually, thinking back to how she was at that young age, it's almost as if she hit her teenage years back then… now, thinking of her acting like that because of any boy seemed… wrong.
He couldn't think of a better adjective when he was too busy trying to get rid of the strange irritation growing in his chest the longer he thought about Sakura crying because of some boy.
He noticed a little late that they were already here.
He stopped in his tracks and tried to scrub his mind clean of that awkward thought process just now.
She isn't a little kid anymore.
She can take care of her own problems without me.
That thought didn't help as much as he thought it would.
…. … … … … … … … … … … … …
He stopped several feet ahead of me. I slowed down to a halt, too, keeping my distance.
I'd been so busy trying not to focus on him and only on where we were going that I almost forgot where we were now.
The training grounds.
I felt a little confused, but still overwhelmingly numb.
His voice woke me up from my staring contest with the grass-patched yellow ground beneath me.
I always did like this spot of the training grounds, where the three logs that we all knew so well stood.
"I heard yesterday that we'd been training." He said lightly, turning back to me, smiling that same public smile I'd only ever seen from him whenever he was either entertaining a guest or trying to get on the good side of his students.
I think it was probably both right now.
His efforts were lost on me when his words clouded my mind a little.
'Training'?
"I thought maybe this could be a stone for two birds." He added after a moment of awkward silence. After the humiliating sobbing last night, my vocals cords were in no shape to speak unnecessarily, so I didn't say anything, he just continued. "This should help me get back on my feet, and maybe help with my memory if this was our routine."
It wasn't really a 'routine'.
We did train once, though we hardly did anything educational… but knowing he couldn't remember anything about that, I bit my tongue before speaking up.
"But you're still injured." I pointed out with the serious tone of a medic-nin.
I really didn't want to train right now.
I didn't think I could handle training not only right now, but with him.
It was hard enough following him out here without letting the weakness in my legs take over. Every time I felt like this, this amount of pain, though I wasn't sure if I had ever felt something like this before my body would have the stupid knack of getting really weak.
I remembered the embarrassing early days on this team, crying and falling to my knees all the time.
He interrupted those cringe-worthy memories,
"You've seen me fight with worse." He said with that grin, trying to act a little cool. The way he'd do that sometimes always made me smile. But now…
… I could only offer a slight lightness in my expression that still felt pathetic.
"Now, what were we working on?" He spoke up, bringing his hands out of his pockets as he stepped a few more steps closer to me.
I took a moment of fighting the urge to walk closer to him too as well as the one that told me to step back.
In the end I was stuck on the spot, trying not to think about anything except our old 'training'.
I suddenly remembered:
'"It was okay that I could do this when you were younger, but now you need to start learning how to more efficiently detect enemies."
"If you didthiswhen I was younger, it definitelywouldn'thave been 'okay'…" I pointed out a different 'this' a little cheekily, as one of my hands grazed along the arm he had curled around my lower waist, my fingers finding his.''
"Stealth and Taijutsu…" I said aloud, cutting off that memory before it got too painful.
He stood on the spot for a moment, looking at me. I felt uncomfortable.
He sighed before taking another few steps towards me.
I wanted to back away now.
"I can't imagine you'd need many pointers on Taijutsu…" He complimented. That made me feel a fraction better.
I looked up at him.
He spoke up after a moment, his smile still there.
"So what about stealth?"
By the time the last word of that sentence ended I was standing alone.
I looked around quickly, he really just disappeared.
He was starting already.
My heart jumped a little with surprise and something like fear.
I knew I didn't have to be afraid of Kakashi-sensei.
But…
There was something about this that was still testing my already weak nerves.
Standing here, waiting for him to try and attack without knowing where he was.
I'd spent most of this morning building up the courage to even see him again, to just look at him without wanting to run away or jump into his arms, and the thought that he'd be darting out of my surroundings at me when I least suspected sounded brutal. But I simply widened my stance, falling back into old habits.
I forced myself to take a deep breath.
This is just like any other day training with Kakashi-sensei.
Any other day.
Just pay attention to your surroundings, check every sound and make sure your footing is secure in case he tries the underground jutsu again.
I opened my senses.
Listening.
Looking.
And then, the faintest change. It couldn't really be called a sound. It was just the slightest alteration in the air currents surrounding me. My left.
My eyes widened instinctively as I dodged to my right at the exact moment I saw him practically rematerialize to my left, ready to kick.
We were silent for a moment as the dust settled, our stances stiff.
I saw him smile at me a little proudly.
That smile would've made me repay one any day.
But…
… It reminded me so much of Kakashi's smile.
I could feel my brows pull together at the thought that even though Kakashi-sensei looked so much like the man that loved me, and could still give me the same smiles, he wasn't him anymore. I launched forward, letting my foot swing through the air. He wasn't anywhere near my kick as soon as my leg lifted. He was one of the fastest ninja in the country. Before I had time to plant both my feet on the ground he reached out with a jab. I dodged as fast as I could but he still got the side of my arm. I still felt really weak from last night, I wasn't as fast as I knew I could've been. His smile faltered for a moment when I nearly winced with the pain.
He didn't stop.
Another jab almost caught my shoulder as I finally found the ground long enough to push myself to his left. I noticed that even though I had been open, he didn't miss me on accident.
He was pulling his punches.
Something besides pain distracted me. Resentment. He would've never pulled his punches on me before. It was like he thought I couldn't handle this, which I questioned before, too. But the fact that he thought I might not be strong enough to train right now…
That was adding insult to injury.
As I maneuvered to his left I didn't hold back my own punch. It was a fairly dirty move to attack while your opponent was regrouping their defense from their previous attack, but I didn't really care right now. I didn't want him thinking I was weak. My plan didn't really work when his left hand closed around my fist a little tightly, stopping my punch and pushing me away from him. We both backed away.
We stood there again, silent. Ready to attack or defend. Just staring at each other.
His smile was gone, but he didn't look annoyed.
He looked… serious.
Like he knew he had to pay extra attention to what he was doing.
I always liked that look. Especially when he gave it to me. It always meant I was doing something right.
This was starting to feel like some sort of challenge now.
At that thought I leapt forward, lifting my fists up. I sent a few weak punches through the air, trying to get him on the move as his dodged backwards. He was paying such close attention to my movements. He ducked out of the way when my leg swung through the air where his chest had been. Crouched to the ground, he immediately tried to kick my foot out from underneath me, but I jumped away just in time.
I could feel my heart beating harder now. Adrenaline coursing. I definitely forgot that weakness that had been dragging me around for the past few days. I was breathing a little hard.
I stared at him, as he did me. We circled on the spot a little.
I could feel a little grin pull at the corner of my lips.
I was having fun.
I had no idea how. But I wasn't going to question this god-sent moment of relief now that I had it. Feeling a little courageous I attacked first again. This time dealing the same weak punches as before, but instead of following through the older routine I tried something new.
He ducked out of every single jab, but he didn't know I'd been collecting a steady amount of chakra in my right fist.
It wouldn't be enough to hurt him; just enough to maybe knock him over a little.
That's all I needed.
Just the high-ground for a few seconds and I win.
I couldn't tell when this became a matter of 'winning', but that's probably how things were always meant to turn out between this man and me. Neither of us could back down easily.
Finally seeing an opening, I reached out my chakra-coated fist to hit him just above his stomach.
But he already saw it coming.
His hand grabbed my forearm and pulled downward, making me lose balance and fall to the ground as he stepped around me.
I hit the ground with a little grunt. The dirt puffed into little dust-clouds around me.
'Crap. I lost.'
Was literally the only thought in my head.
I turned over so I was laying on my back, leaning up a little on my elbows.
He took a few steps towards me, his form blocking the sun from my eyes.
He chuckled.
I still loved that sound.
He reached out his hand to me.
I was about to take it.
But I didn't.
I couldn't touch him right now.
If I did, I don't think I could stop myself from kissing him.
I pretended not to notice his offer of help and started to push myself off the ground, I saw his hand hesitantly pull away from me after a second. I instantly regretted not touching him, realizing that I probably wouldn't get the chance again for a while.
The weight that that thought put on my heart was enough to make me wince a little, but that heaviness wasn't what was sending me rocketing back to the ground, landing on my knees and falling onto my back again.
"Sakura!"
The dust puffed in my face as I started to cough a little.
I couldn't really breathe right. My whole body felt so heavy, my chest felt like it was caving in on itself. And my shoulder felt like dozens of pins and ice picks were being pushed against my skin. I coughed again.
I suddenly felt a hand slide under my shoulders, lifting me up a little.
I couldn't focus on the contact the way I think I would've since the pain on my shoulder felt twice as worse with the pressure of his touch. I let out a groan.
"What happened?" He asked. His voice was serious. Worried.
Again I thought of Kakashi.
I winced again, not at the pain.
I wanted to quickly answer his question so that he wouldn't look at me as intently as he was right now. I didn't want him to look at me while I was remembering who he used to be.
I lifted my hand to my left shoulder, barely touching it, but pointing it out clearly.
I felt his grip loosen on me, his arm moved from my shoulders.
I felt like I could breathe a little easier now.
I wondered how much of this had turned psychological… but when I felt this sickening sensation creeping into my stomach as my limbs seemed to get even weaker I suddenly recognized this feeling.
"Hiroki…"
I forgot that the toxin would still be in my bloodstream from the cut he gave me. I just used chakra for the first time since the mission. I'm such an idiot. I should've gotten treated for this before I went to go see Kakashi that morning. But I forgot about anything except him after… after he…
"'Hiroki'?" Kakashi-sensei asked as he was still trying not to touch me but keep me sitting up.
I didn't know I'd said the man's name out loud just now.
I only swallowed hard and pointed at my shoulder again, "A cut." I sputtered a little, "There should be a knife wound there."
I didn't see his full face out of the corner of my eye, but I could see the sudden serious-worry in his expression anyways. I tried to ignore it.
I felt his hand shift along my shoulder a little. I could feel his fingertips through the fabric of my shirt as they searched gently. I nearly shuddered at the feeling, but didn't because my body felt too heavy.
But the heaviness of my limbs didn't stop me from tensing when his fingertips found the wound. It hurt so much.
He noticed my reaction. And before I could say anything else about helping me up or even explain where I got the cut, I already felt his arm tighten around my back, his hand hinging on the other side of my ribs. Another arm slid under my knees. I was rocking gently through the air only seconds later.
I suddenly regretted everything about this moment.
The feeling of his arms, the feeling of his chest against my side, the feeling of humiliation for having to be picked up like this again after all these years, and the feeling of dejection when I realized that Kakashi-sensei probably wasn't having a similar reaction. Right now, he probably had no thoughts about the way I felt.
Touching me didn't make his heart beat as fast as mine did when he touched me, did it?
He sat me down by a tree, leaning me against it carefully. He made sure only my right shoulder was pressed against the bark.
I was a little grateful when he sat to my left, almost sitting behind me.
I hated having to actually be weak right now. Weak enough that he'd carry me like I was thirteen again.
I shifted against the bark a little uncomfortably, looking farther away from him.
And then I heard his voice.
"Let me take a look."
My weak gratitude disappeared when his hands found the collar of my shirt.
"No!" I said way too loudly when I felt him pull on my collar a little. I squirmed on the spot, backing away from him, feeling even weaker than before now that my heart was sluggishly trying to pick up speed against my will.
His hands left me quickly.
I turned around to face him, pulling my left shoulder away from him. It bumped against the tree as I jerked it back, I didn't care about the pain. Just as long as he didn't touch me.
I didn't want him to touch me…
It would be too much.
I don't think I can handle the kind of hope that would give me.
But it didn't take long for me to feel like an idiot when I saw his face.
Shocked. Serious.
Not in the good way.
A silent moment passed before he took a breath.
"I'm sorry if that was sudden. But if he poisoned you, it needs to be treated quickly."
Sudden?
Treated?
I almost had to wonder how he knew about Hiroki, but I realized he probably heard a lot about him when they healed him at the hospital. Kakashi-sensei probably knew more about these wounds than I did right now.
I found my voice after a moment, I hated how it sounded even weaker than I felt.
"No, it wasn't 'sudden'." I repeated his word choice hesitantly, struggling to keep my eyes on his mask and not his eye, "I… I just…."
I had no excuse.
I moved on, hoping he wouldn't notice.
"I'll treat it when I get home."
I put my hands on the ground, ready to push myself up, but my arms weren't complying. The toxin was still sapping the strength from me. I was starting to hate Hiroki even more right now.
"You won't be able to." He interrupted my weak attempts at commanding my body. He sat back a little, like he wanted to give me space, "Using chakra while you're still infected will only make things worse. Especially if you're trying to heal yourself."
"Oh…." I couldn't say anything else when I suddenly felt like an idiot.
I didn't look at him. He didn't say anything.
I got the feeling I turned this whole situation sour just now.
His voice spoke up after only a moment.
"I'll take you to the hospital." He sounded so serious, lacking any resemblance of Kakashi. He reached out to me hesitantly. His fingertips only a few centimeters away from me, but he still didn't touch me.
I felt guilt chill my nerves. Something like the pain from before threatened my lungs heavily.
He's afraid to touch me now.
After the way I yelled 'No!' like that.
I'm such an idiot.
I grimaced at myself, lifting my fist to my eyes, rubbing a little, trying to stop the moisture from gathering in them.
"No." I said quietly. His hands pulled back completely, as if I just told him never to touch me again. I straightened my face quickly and looked up at him, trying to change the way that sounded, "I don't want to go to the hospital."
"You need treatment." He reasoned responsibly, his arms resting on his bent knees defeatedly. He seemed to have lost any of the lightness he had earlier today. And it was my fault.
I took a breath before speaking up.
I knew I would probably regret this, but…
I didn't want him to be afraid to touch me.
"You know how to use contact-healing, right?" I already knew he did.
A long moment of silence passed between us.
"Yes. But only the most basic form." He answered slowly.
"I just really don't want to go to the hospital." I added quietly so that he would stop giving me that confused look.
He was silent for a moment. He sighed.
"Alright." He answered, not even going to ask why I don't want to go to the hospital, "But I'll need to patch up you up once I've done what I can, so…" He stood up as he trailed off, "If it doesn't bother you, we'll have to go back to the apartment."
'If it doesn't bother you.'
I cringed as I got up by myself slowly, feeling a little strength coming back.
Now he thinks I'm afraid of him.
'No!'
The way I pulled away from him… of course he'd think I was scared of him.
I felt even worse when I started walking slowly and he only offered a single hand on my arm to keep me standing.
I forgot where we were again.
I forgot what our relationship was.
Something like this can't be forgotten in only a moment.
Our relationship is distant, but even more fragile because of it.
… I probably screwed something up just now…
I rubbed my eyes again, threatening them not to moisten.
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'No!'
He couldn't help replaying it in his head as he was helping her only slightly as they reached the staircase to his apartment.
He had barely touched her collar.
He was only going to check her wound.
He had no other intentions.
He hadn't even thought about doing anything inappropriate.
… but somehow he felt that she had accused him.
It didn't seem right.
For as long as he could remember Sakura was never like this.
She never worried about him… like this.
She'd only pummel Naruto if he tried to peep on her or if he said anything out of line…. But the fact she'd object so strongly, with so much fear in her voice, when he came at all close to her like that.
…
It was worrying.
…
He didn't like it.
He didn't want her to be afraid of him.
But even now he was worried about whether or not she was really comfortable with the way he was holding her arm, or the fact that they were going to his apartment.
Or if she even knew what she was suggesting when she mentioned the contact-healing.
How could she be so scared of him, but still suggest his contact-healing?
Something must've happened to make her so afraid of the hospital that she'd endure his tough although she had pulled away from him earlier.
…
His brows furrowed with that thought when he suddenly felt like some kind of felon for even touching her now.
They were never like this before. For as long as he could remember Sakura had never had a problem with him in this way. She always understood that physical contact was necessary sometimes. He didn't even think she could ever be so afraid of him for that kind of reason….
Something pulled at his insides when that thought passed.
Something about this whole situation seemed to be eating away at him.
Maybe it was because he'd never have to worry about it before. It seemed so ridiculous to even think about now.
But… something had changed.
Things didn't seem as simple as they'd been before.
He didn't know when it happened. Maybe he couldn't remember when.
But every time he's seen Sakura after he woke up in that hospital… something seemed so different about her. What happened to the strong, carefree girl he knew?
…
He helped her up the last step. She seemed a bit stronger now.
He really wondered whether he should take her to the hospital anyways so she could get proper treatment. But he didn't worry about it when he left her go to unlock the door and he felt a slight tug at his arm.
She'd reached out on her own to hold onto him.
He dealt with a moment of surprise, pausing at the door, waiting.
"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei." She said weakly, her voice even worse than before, "About before…"
…
He didn't expect that wave of relief to hit him so hard.
He hadn't known just how worried he'd been.
He smiled lightly.
His hand took a hold of hers on his arm a little hesitantly, hoping more than he thought he would that she didn't pull away. She didn't.
He guided the hand beside him inside the apartment.
… In that moment he couldn't help a moment of nostalgia.
He didn't know what there was to feel nostalgic about. He didn't hold her hand like this on any sort of regular basis… in fact, he wondered if he ever had before… maybe it was just the way she was relying on him. She stumbled a little and his grip tightened on her, again, another wave of nostalgia hit.
Maybe it was because… this reminded him of the littler version of herself he met all those years ago, back when she did seem to need his help regularly.
That didn't seem quite right, though.
He brushed off the feeling quickly as he let her hand go and it disappeared altogether.
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The sun was starting to settle into the lowest region of the sky. I hadn't realized how much time had passed or how long it took to get back here. But this man always had the strangest control over time whenever I was alone with him. Whenever he touched me, time would go too fast, whenever he wouldn't look at me, time was slower than ever. And the whole way here his hand had been on my arm, but he was careful not to look at me at all.
That had messed with my time a little.
He opened the door slowly.
I could see his expression clearly even through the mask.
He would always make that expression whenever he was deep in thought about something that worried him. I saw it a lot when we started our relationship.
I hated that look. I really had to make him stop thinking about whatever was bothering him.
And I could guess what it was.
…
I took a breath after the door opened.
I didn't want to touch him. Because I wanted to so much that I didn't want to even more. But if I could take back what I did to make him worry.
I'd forget about my own pain just to ease his mind.
I reached out.
My hand locked around his arm lightly.
I really wanted to pull him to me. I wanted this arm around me. I wanted him to remember me through this touch. But he didn't.
"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei…" I spoke up, feeling like a little kid again, "About before…." I elaborated weakly
I couldn't look at his face; I only looked down at my hand.
I wanted to feel more of him.
But I couldn't.
…
And as if the universe was making fun of me I felt his hand grab mine.
That was too much. I could feel the pain course through me.
But I didn't stop it.
He pulled me through the doorway gently, like he was only helping me along, but what he didn't know was the fact that his touch was what made me stumble over the threshold.
But his hand let go of mine altogether too soon as he had to close the door behind him. I pushed off my sandals before he did, stumbling a little with my weak balance. I felt his arm push me back to my balance a little.
Again I felt a mixed pang of the happiness my body always gave me with his touch as well as the new reflex of pain it gave me mix with a weird balance of heaviness and weightlessness for a moment before he leaned away from me and walked into the apartment ahead of me, leaving my emotions jumbled for a moment.
"I'll go get the bandages."
And just like that. With that meaningless casual moment of his familiar voice and my certain step into the apartment that had so many happy memories for only me now, I actually felt a little better.
It was so hard to explain.
But maybe that was part of it.
No matter how much pain this man can give me indirectly, I'll always be happy by his side… I'll always be happy to be a part of his life…
But I could feel that pain build inside of be regardless of that happiness.
Somehow, I knew that when I wasn't around Kakashi-sensei… after I leave… I wasn't going to be 'better' anymore.
But I tried not to think about that as I slowly walked into the apartment, my hand touching the wall on the way down the hallway for support.
I suddenly realized I hadn't really explored Kakashi-sensei's apartment before.
All the times I had been here I had only seen the hallway and his bedroom.
That sounded a little strange in my mind, but I was distracted from that when I saw the main room and adjoining kitchen at the end of the hallway. Different books and clothes were draped on different furnishings. Papers were on the floor and a few empty plates on the little wooden table in front of the couch that had a shirt lying on the back. A few glasses were spaced across the room as if he sat down to drink while reading, finished, but forgot where he put the cup.
That sounded like him.
Even if I only ever saw him read Icha Icha in public, I knew that when he really relaxed and read, he could get a little too lost in the fictional world and pay less attention to the outside world. I remembered a few times when I was younger, I'd see him lying on a random hill or pathc of grass, reading. I'd bother him because I was bored, but he would barely notice my existence until I got annoyed enough to stomp off and he would happily go back to his book.
That was once why I thought he was always late all the time, but I found out later on that that wasn't true.
"Go ahead and have a seat."
I hadn't noticed before that he had walked back into the room with a handful of bandages and tape.
I followed his orders quickly and took a seat on the aged blue couch without really thinking.
I could feel that numbness sink back into me as I sat here, in the middle of his apartment, surrounded by his scent, staring at him as he rustled with the bandages a little.
Again, I knew that this numbness was only the happiness of being alone with him cancelled out with the pain of knowing he isn't exactly who I'd want to be alone with anymore.
And again, I knew that this numbness was only going to leave me once I leave him, and turn me into a bundle of raw nerves with nothing but the room of sharp memories to cut myself on.
But… for now…
I was here.
He was here.
We weren't together.
But we were here.
And I could live with this a little better than if he wasn't.
"Here, hold this for a moment." He spoke up just as casually as before, interrupting my staring.
I woke up a little.
I took the bandages, my arm feeling really heavy as I reached out to take them from his hand as he fiddled with the tape almost cutely, trying to open it.
I would've had a problem thinking he was cute before…. but with the way things were now…
…. It felt like I was only an observer now.
I wasn't a part of him.
I could think what I wanted.
My grip on the bandages in my hands tightened uncomfortably when that thought tipped the scale of my numbness over to the pain-side a little too much.
He finally opened the tape and sat down on the couch a foot away. The distribution of weight made the worn couch sag a little, I ended up being scooted a few inches closer to him.
I didn't scoot away against my better judgment.
He didn't seem to notice.
He set the tape down on the little wooden table in front of the couch. Before turning back to me he held out his hand, asking for the bandages back, I handed them to him. But before I could bring my hands back to myself his eyes found them.
Just as I started to pull them back to my own body he stopped my right hand, holding it.
I suddenly felt my heartbeat pick up sluggishly again.
His eye was fixed on my hand seriously.
I only wondered for a moment what he was doing before I realized what he was looking at. The little crescent-shaped cuts on my palm.
I pulled my hand back quickly, but not too quickly.
"Uh, the last mission didn't really…" I spoke up as he looked down at me, "It didn't end smoothly." I added, feeling the pain rise a little with that understatement.
"What happened?" He sounded serious again.
Like a team captain.
"They uh… they tied us up and made you duel with Hi… Hiroki." I could barely say that man's name, but the rest of the sentence came easier than I thought it would even if I stumbled a little.
"Could you tell me more?" He asked rather formally. I couldn't respond until he spoke up again, "But first, please turn around."
Again, he sounded so formal. Like he had to watch anything he said right now.
If anything, that was making me uncomfortable.
"Sure." I tried to sound compliant as I did turn around.
I could feel my heart racing. The speed picked up when I realized what I had to do.
"Um, the cut… it's on the back of my shoulder." I spoke up a little too shyly than I wanted to. "So I guess I'll just…"
I reached up to the zipper of my collar.
He was silent behind me.
…
I hesitated.
…
It wouldn't be the first time my shirt would be off in front of him. In fact, it was a little ironic because the first time I had to take my shirt off in front of him it was for this very reason … and at a similar stage of our relationship, too…
But I still felt a little nervous for some reason.
Maybe it was because, even though something like this happened before… I still had no idea how the future would turn out this time either.
I tried not to think about it when I tugged at the zipper. The noise it made made me feel a little awkward. I still couldn't hear anything from him behind me.
For once in my life I really had no idea what must be going through his head.
The first time I had to do this I wondered if he was even fazed by seeing me without my shirt on, or if he was just comparing me to the adult women he knew intimately throughout his life and brushing me off as nothing worth looking at. I've come a long way from worrying about that… sort of…
But he hasn't changed from that moment at all.
Or least, he's back to being the same Kakashi-sensei as he had been at that moment.
Even though I was different, it seemed strange for history to repeat itself like this.
Like the universe was playing with me some more.
I tugged the zipper down farther. To the base of my chest.
He couldn't see anything yet, but I still felt a little self-conscious.
I slipped the collar back and let the fabric fall down the sides of my shoulders, gripping my shirt tight around my back and biceps. My shoulders felt cold, but warm knowing that he was looking at them.
I wondered if he could remember them, for a moment.
And after that moment had passed I felt a pair of fingers land on my skin.
And just like the time before, his hands were stiff, as if he was afraid to touch any more of my skin than necessary. I heard a familiar hum start and a small green glow peeking over my shoulder.
The pain eased with a tingling feeling, but I felt a little useless.
I decided to talk… much like the last time I was in this situation I wasn't comfortable with the silence.
"About the last mission." I started, suddenly confused about what I could say. But when I felt his hands lose tension with my voice, I felt like maybe he was starting to relax a little. I didn't want to stop talking if it meant he wouldn't be worried about me. "Well, we had to gather enough evidence against the yakuza leader Momoshita so that we could turn him into the regional law enforcement before he made a deal with his rival Yomasa clan and overtake the entire area." I said quietly, the humming a little louder now, "We signed up into the onsen they were staying at, undercover."Talking about this was actually getting a little weird and painful.
I had no idea why.
I was even being so careful to only sound professional, but… knowing that everything I'm saying is something he's forgotten was just a little painful.
And I had just hit the part of the mission I had no idea how to handle already.
Do I tell him we shared a room?
Do I tell him he said we were fiancés?
No.
"And then, after a few days, they held a dinner party to celebrate the Yomasa clan and then we were caught, but you defeated Hiroki and we took care of everyone else." I summarized stupidly, feeling so weird about all of this. My fists tightened on my knees, I winced at the pain.
But I was distracted from that when I heard his voice.
"Oh…" He didn't sound like he was paying attention.
I suddenly felt a little stupid. Maybe I didn't explain it right… maybe he already knew about all of this and I was just blabbering now?
"After this I should probably turn back into your medic-nin and patch you up." I changed the subject quickly, trying to sound a little light-hearted even though I didn't feel 'light' at all. Everything about me was too heavy.
I waited eagerly for his reply.
It was strange to feel so nervous around him right now when I thought, only minutes ago, that he was the one who was unnecessarily nervous. I thought that since I've already been through something like this, since I already knew more about him than he knew I did, that I wouldn't be nervous. But I was.
"Yeah." He dropped the formality of his tone with that, but his voice still didn't sound right.
I couldn't really ignore that.
Not now that our relationship is more sensitive than ever.
I took a breath before asking, "What's wrong?"
…
A moment passed.
My eyes were fixed on the little end table in front of me. I could only see some of the tabletop over the blue armrest, but I could see a glass filled with some clear liquid that I knew probably wasn't water and a little book that looked too serious to be about making out or dating.
I hadn't really thought about the side of Kakashi-sensei that, instead of reading love novels, would stay at home, drink sake and just lounge on his couch reading serious books.
I kind of wanted to know more about that side of Kakashi-sensei.
But I didn't think on it long since the silence only kept going.
He wasn't saying anything.
…
My nerves started firing anxiously.
…
Why wasn't he saying anything?
And then before I could think about any possible reason why he would be so quiet I felt something.
The fingers of his left hand moved from the back of my shoulder, sliding upward gently.
I would've shuddered if I wasn't so weak and nervous.
But when I felt his fingers land on one particular spot I couldn't control a shake of realization.
The kiss mark.
I suddenly remembered the part of the mission I hadn't told him. The night we spent together, he gave me this as a little joke. I still remember how it felt, and even what he said after he made it:
'There, done.' He had sounded like an artist and I was the canvas.
I quickly scooted forward a little, my hand landing over the spot quickly. His hands left me, the green hum stopped.
This was why he wasn't saying anything.
The moment I slid down my collar he saw this mark.
I turned back to him only slightly before realizing that I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye right now.
He must think I'm some sort of stupid teenager who's embarrassed to show her teacher a hickey she got from some boy.
I cringed at the thought.
"It's just a bruise." I wanted to slap myself for coming up with such a horrible lie, and even trying to lie since I knew I was horrible at it anyways.
I knew he knew what a kiss mark looked like.
After a long moment of silence I looked back at him.
I had no idea how to read that expression.
I felt so panicked by that.
Until now I thought I could guess what any expression was behind that mask but right now… I had no idea… I really had no idea what he was thinking of me.
He might've been making fun of me, he might've been disgusted, he might've been upset, he might've been looking down at me.
I had no idea.
But then again, I suddenly wasn't trying to read his expression when his voice broke the silence.
"The bite marks…"
…
"What?"
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On to the next chapter.
But if you can, please review for this one, too.