Yawn...well, here is the new chapter. Wasn't sure how quickly I'd start working on this one, but I went to San Fran on a vacation and found myself working on it in my spare time, and I'd estimate this story has around ten more chapters till its finished, though thats still just an estimate. On another note, I got my mom to watch Episode 1 of Evangelion since I told her that if she wants to read my story, then she has to have some understanding of the terminology and how Shinji and Asuka's relationship develops. She seemed to like it also, which doesn't surprise me really since she enjoyed Elfen Lied, which is gory beyond all belief. Anyway enough jabbering out of me, I'm going to bed.
Gendo Ikari sat at his desk, facing the window directly behind him that showed the entirety of the Geofront. Though he didn't want to admit it, the pilot of Eva 01 had affected his plans with this latest bout of courage. He had never imagined that he would have managed to override the dummy plug from inside the Eva. Though what might have amazed him more was that he had managed to destroy the angel while keeping Unit 02's pilot relatively alive.
He had seen the connection between the two long before even they had realized it themselves. And why not? They were both so similar that they were bound to connect in some way, for better or for worse. He had not expected things to turn out as they had, with there lives so entwined that they affected each other so greatly. Had he planned it? Maybe deep down in the recesses of his mind he had hoped for such a scenario, but things had escalated to a point that surpassed his wishes.
Admittedly, he had leaked information about the pilot of Unit 02 to her father, in which he took the assumed role of a revived father reuniting with a daughter. Things could not have gone better as the pilot of 01 consoled her and was a comforting item in which she could lean on. What did he care if a CEO in a large company was incapacitated because of his actions? Though he had not counted upon 01's pilots actions. He had gone beyond what could be considered as...normal, and with good reason, as he had angel blood flowing through his veins.
Seele would never guess. While they had fruitlessly searched for the remains of something long since lost, he had carefully molded the pilot of Unit 01 since day one, since Yui had died.
At the thought of her, a shadow passed over Gendo's face for no more than an instance. He had thought that he had gotten rid of such emotions, but humans were such weak creatures. They suffered from such diseases that would be deemed substandard to the average mammal. Everything would change though at the coming of Instrumentality, and he would spearhead it all. He held all the pieces after all. Unit 01, its pilot, the Spear of Longinus, and Lilith. What could possibly stop him?
...Shinji could...
"Yes...he could," Gendo muttered.
He had long since referred to him as nothing more than an object, and it hurt to acknowledge him as a human being. If he had been more like her...but what's done is done.
His growth was exceptional, more than that really, it was extraordinary. Even Ritsuko was surprised at how much he had changed, how much he had adapted to his abnormality. And yet, he had never been at such a point in his life where he feared a different outcome.
Shinji was strong, no getting by that, and he had begun to realize it, even take shape in his mind of what he was capable of. Gendo didn't like this freethinking. He was supposed to be the one in control, that was the whole point of assigning the pilot of 02 to 03 for the activation test.
He had to control Shinji, and what better way then holding the pilot of 02 over his head, for Gendo knew that Shinji could never refuse a demand if her life was in danger. But still...how had it happened?
Why had the dummy plug not registered properly when first inserted in Unit 01 during the first attempt at combating the angel? Did Yui reject him? It didn't seem possible, but there was still a probability of it happening.
So then he had had no choice but to have Shinji pilot the Eva while the dummy plug was still inserted. It seemed that the dummy plug was able to function properly as long as Shinji was inside the plug. Certainly it seemed that way. But during the fight against the angel, Shinji had arrested control away from him and forced the dummy plug to cease its function. How had he done it? It almost seemed impossible that he would have been able to accomplish it without some sort of help. Then did Yui...or something else.
Well, he supposed that the outcome was still within management. The pilot of 02 was supposed to loose her life during this battle, but she seemed to have pulled through, at least at the moment. Whether it was Shinji's timely arrival, or her own willpower which seemed to be extraordinary in its own right...well, she would be out of commission for a while, and as long as she still survived, she still held a purpose. He supposed he'd let it stay like that, for now.
Swiveling around to face his desk, he was about to examine the damages documented by Misato of the two Eva's when he heard a knock on the door and a voice which he loathed every time he heard it.
"Commander...I have the pilot of Unit 01 with me...he-"
"Doctor Akagi, I don't have time for such trivial things as baby sitting-"
"Shinji says he's ready to dismantle half the base...and take Unit 01 with him..."
Gendo sat silent for a few seconds. The very idea of a child taking control of Nerv like that was utterly ridiculous, though not improbable. An important person in his life was just hospitalized on the verge death with a possibility of lasting affects. His emotions would be running high and he would act without thought. Maybe it wouldn't hurt, he supposed. He could outline a few things while he was at it.
"Very well, let him in, and be sure that we are not disturbed during this time."
"Yes Commander."
Gendo watched as the brass handles on the double door in front of him swung forward, revealing a ashen faced Ritsuko, with Shinji, who looked like he had no problems with what he had threatened to do.
"Leave us Doctor Akagi."
Ritsuko simply nodded her head and turned and walked out of the room. It was apparent that she wished that she was anywhere else.
Shinji stood unmoving directly in front of the door. His face was impassive, but a small fire could be seen in his eyes.
"Father," Shinji managed to grumble out.
Gendo gave no recognition to Shinji's words. He simply gazed at him for a few seconds before he nodded towards a position directly in front of his desk.
Taking the hint, Shinji sneered slightly, before he walked forward, and stood in place where Gendo had nodded towards.
Gendo laid both his elbows on the edge of his desk, wrapped his hands together, and rested his chin on the back of his hands. His usual stance.
Shinji's eyes darted side to side, searching for any sign of movement that might indicate another presence, and though he didn't detect anybody, he was positive that security cameras were watching him.
Taking several small breaths, he looked at the man before him and said with as much control over his voice as he could muster, "Why did you do that?"
Gendo looked blankly back at Shinji for several seconds as though he didn't quite understand his question.
"Did you hear me! I sai-"
"For the betterment of human kind. It was necessary."
"You're telling me that it was necessary to put Asuka's life at risk!"
"Every pilot must shoulder the risk of danger. It is no different for you, or the pilot of Unit 02."
"Do you have any idea what kind of state she was in!" Said Shinji, his voice growing louder with each word.
"I do not care about such trivial matters. As long as the pilot is able to achieve a successful sync rating, then nothing else is necessary."
"She's a living person damn it! She was almost raped! How can you not feel sympathy for her! How can you not care!"
"Sympathy does humans no such good. It is simply another emotion that we shall do away with."
"But it is what makes us, us!"
"Irrelevant. I did not let you enter this office to listen to your complaints. If you continue this I shall have you lea-"
"I'm never piloting Eva again!"
Gendo seemed to do a double take at that, and his eyes finally settled on Shinji.
"What was that?"
"I said I'm not piloting Unit 01 anymore. I'm done. You disgust me."
"What will you do then? Forsake everything here? Start over? You are running away again."
"I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm done."
"Not even for the pilot of Unit 02."
"...I didn't say that. I'm taking her with me."
"She is property of Nerv and the Japanese Self Defense Forc-"
"SHE IS NOT AN OBJECT! SHE IS A HUMAN BEING, SHE HAS EMOTIONS. HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT!"
"She is the Second Child, Pilot of Evangelion Unit 02."
"SHE'S A PERSON!"
"A human, with the role to defend Earth against the invading angels. She has sworn her life to defeat them, or die at the hands of them."
"THEN HER ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS FOR NOT!"
"Is it really? Would she have been better of staying in Germany with her father?"
"No of course not-"
"Then what would you suggest."
"I don't know...but this is just...too cruel."
"Humans are cruel. Every day thousands die at the hands of others, and why? Its because fundamentality, humans can not understand each other."
"But I understand her!"
"That is simply two people. Try understanding ten billion people. Tell me that is possible."
"Every human isn't ment to meet each other. There just isn't enough time."
"But with Instrumentality it is possible. Every human can understand each other. No hateful emotions-"
"But nothing else either, hate differentiates us too."
"Which also leads to wars."
"But we learn from wars!"
"And then we repeat the same mistakes years later. We are flawed, and only through Instrumentality can we become perfect."
"You don't understand..."
"It is you who doesn't understand. You have secluded yourself your entire life, and suddenly you start explaining to me the workings of the human mind. I have studied us as a species for seventeen years, during which I learned that we were created flawed."
"Humans can't be perfect, it isn't in our nature."
"I will make it our nature..."
"I see there is no point in continuing this. I still stand firm though in my resignation."
"You will be required to submit your ID card to security, and pack your bags, you will not be allowed to enter within one hundred kilometers of Tokyo-3."
"I don't care, I stopped caring long ago."
"Then leave, this conversation is over."
Shinji ignored him and turned to leave, but suddenly stopped before his hand reached the door. Turning around he looked at Gendo and said, "I talked with mom."
Gendo who had been looking at the papers on his desk paused and looked up, "Is that so?"
"Yeah, she seemed to be doing fine."
What seemed to be a ghost of a smile passed across Gendo's lips, "I see."
Shinji waited to see if he would say anything else, before he turned the handle of the door, and stepped back into the light.
Gendo meanwhile leaned back in his chair, took off his glasses and thought, 'He still has a ways to go...'
Shinji slowly trudged along the hallways of Nerv. He had never felt so dejected in his life. He had intended to talk to his father as though they were equals, not as though there was a giant wall separating the two of them. His father had steered the question away from what Shinji wanted, that was his plan all along. Waste his time on pointless discussion while steering away from what Shinji really wanted. He hadn't had a change to talk about the dummy plugs, he briefly mentioned his mom in passing. But what he really wanted to talk about was himself, and that had never seemed more harder than what it had been in those few minutes in his office.
Who was Shinji really? A boy that had been forsaken by his father? A boy who had finally found something like a parent? A boy who had finally found a close friend, somebody important to him? A boy who had maybe found his place in the world?
...Bullshit.
He was abnormal, different, a freak, unnatural, a human guinea pig, a throw away object with no relevance. Or is that how he viewed himself? How did other people view him? Some of them might view him as those things, but others would certainly view him different. His real self, so to speak.
And so why did he exist? Was it simply to fight the angels? Is that why he had been brought into this world? That existence was just too depressing. Every human has a reason that they were brought into this world, he just had to find his.
And so why did he pilot Evangelion when he truly hated it. Was it praise from his father? To protect the people that were dear to him? A specific someone? How could he still not know after all this time? What had he been doing all this time? His life had never amounted to much so why did he do the things he did. For recognition like Asuka? Because he was told to like Rei? No! He wanted to, but he had no definable reason for it. Maybe it was everything, and maybe it was none of them? Maybe it had something to do with his parents, or his childhood? Maybe it was-
Something smashed into his shoulders and he was knocked sideways against a wall. Wincing at the pain that hit his shoulder he glanced up just in time to see a nurse with pure panic etched on the features of her face. It looked like she was about to have a heart attack, and Shinji could only guess he was the source.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry...I just..."
Shinji shook his head slowly and said, "Its fine...I wasn't looking where I was going anyway. ...Why are you in such a hurry though?"
"I got a call from Doctor Akagi. The patient in room 301 seems to have woken up and has exhibited violent behavior."
The room number rang violently in Shinji's ears until he could hear it echoing around is brain.
Grasping the nurses wrist none to gently he said, "Where is that room number?"
"I'm sorry I can't give out-"
Shinji applied more pressure to his grasp until he could feel the strain of her muscles.
Whimpering in pain, the nurse let out a small yelp that was concealed behind a cough. "I-I-I'll show you...just...let go."
Shinji immediately released his grasp on her wrist, and was unsurprised to see a large red mark where his hand had been moments before.
Nodding towards her, he said, "Get on with it..."
He didn't know when he'd have an opportunity like this again.
Those shrieks and yells were unmistakably Asuka's thought Shinji as he stood in front of the door. The nurse had gone in moments before during which Shinji was able to see a group of people dressed in white crowded around her table. Shinji had even caught a brief glimpse of her fiery red hair before the door closed in front of him. It was taking all his efforts to not just barge in there and tare everyones head off. Though he figured Asuka had at least bitten a few of them so he thought he should wait. They were only trying to help after all.
After what seemed like hours he was finally able to enter the room.
He had expected wires of all sorts connected to her body, and tubes that were for certain utilities, though it seemed that there was none of those, or very few at least.
Asuka was sitting up in her bed with a pillow propped behind her head. She seemed to be wide awake enough to recognize him, but he could see the droop in her eyes. He knew that sleep was sometimes difficult to get here, though she was certain to have some type of drug in her body. He knew that she had to receive blood transfusions every hour or so.
Walking towards the end of her bed, he sat down next to her feet and said, "How you doing?"
"How would you feel if you lost a fourth of the blood in your body? Well, at least there was no scaring."
'At least she was able to joke about something so serious,' thought Shinji.
"Terrible I'd imagined," mumbled Shinji.
"As if you needed to reply to that."
"What happened earlier? I saw that a bunch of doctors and nurses were crowded around your bed."
"I had a seizure," she replied in an offhanded sort of way.
"A...what!"
"I've been having them on and off, its really not that big of a deal."
"Yes it is!"
"Shinji, are you going to start freaking out, or am I going to have to call a nurse in to remove you? I don't want to deal with any stress right now."
"Can't you understand that I've been worried sick. You weren't conscious when I brought you out of that entry plug..."
Asuka's shoulders seemed to sink as she said, "I know...I heard about how you almost killed just to get to me."
"...I didn't know if you would live."
"I'm fine, so you can stop threatening people."
Shinji grinned sheepishly at her words, "You heard about that?"
"The doctors were fretting about what would happen to the hospital facilities if you suddenly went on a rampage. Can't say I'd be very impressed if you did that for my benefit. You'd do more damage then good anyway."
"Sorry it got spread around, it was more to try to scare my father."
"Huh?"
"...I talked to him, or, more of he tried to persuade me."
"About what?"
"Never mind...its not important."
"Hmmm," muttered Asuka.
They lapsed into silence for a while, during which Asuka grabbed a German magazine that she had been reading before Shinji had walked in. Shinji meanwhile was content with simply watching her. After several minutes of this though, Asuka threw her magazine to the side and said, "If you've got something to say, say it!"
Shinji hesitated for a second before saying, "What would you say if I told you I was quitting being an Eva pilot."
"I'd say you were an idiot and a moron but thats nothing new."
"I'm serious."
"Why?"
"Because I-"
Wait, why did he want to quit? Was it because of his fathers disregard of Asuka? Was it because of the usage of the dummy plug? Was he just tired of people relying on him? But then, wasn't he just running away again?
"I don't know."
"Well thats stupid."
"But what do you think?"
"Its your decesi-"
"What would you say if I wanted you to...quit with me?"
Asuka could have fallen out of her hospital bed if it had been a little smaller,
"Are you serious you idiot," said Asuka while tears started rolling down her cheeks. "You what? Want me to quit piloting the Eva's with you? Are you stupid?"
"Why won't you believe me!"
"Where would we go?"
"...I was thinking maybe back to where you used to live, you know, Germany."
"What part of we could never get involved with Nerv don't you understand? This is my life! Piloting Eva is my life and what I live for, it is part of what defines me as a person."
"Don't you want to be happy?"
"I am happy!"
"I don't believe you!"
"Believe what you want! What do you want though Shinji? You always do what other people do. You never do what you believe, you always follow others. If you want me to tell you to stop this, I wont. Its your decision, but I wont follow you. This is my place!"
"Even after this! Even after getting nearly killed because you were nothing more that a throwaway object."
Asuka seemed taken aback, and it showed on her face. "They chose me to pilot it instead of you."
"Because I couldn't pilot it!"
"So they value me as a pilot!"
"You don't understand how my father thinks Asuka. He was using you. If you had died...I think my mind would have broken, I would have turned into a mindless robot."
"So like the first."
"No not like Ayanami. Different, I would have been a human dummy plug.
"So you say that your father attempted to have me killed so that he could control you."
"Yes!"
"Bullshit! I can't believe that."
"Why can't you believe that you're the first person that I...connected with."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You've said it yourself before Asuka, we are alike. As much as you want to ignore that, the fact is that we both had traumatic childhoods, both our mothers are dead, we've never had or considered the need for friends, and-"
"All right I get it already. But don't expect the same from me, I am my own person.
"...Why can't you understand-"
"If you thought that you were going to persuade me to leave, you're wrong. I don't care whether you stay or not!"
Shinji was silent for a few seconds as he continued to gaze back at Asuka. Finally, he slowly slid off the edge of the bed and made his way to the door. Turning around, he glanced briefly over his shoulder at Asuka who had picked up her discarded magazine. Even if they didn't see eye to eye, he still felt that there would always be understanding between them.
Giving her a brief smile, he slid the door open, and walked out into the open corridor.
Time seemed to freeze inside the room as soon as Shinji left, and Asuka had not moved an inch since she had picked up her magazine. In truth, she had been rereading the same sentence over and over ever since Shinji had gotten off the edge of her bed, and when he had reached the door, her eyes were straining to look over the magazine while trying to appear that she was still reading.
After several minutes, she slowly let her hands holding the magazine fall to her lap, where the magazine slid off the sleek sheets and fell to the floor. Slowly, she lifted her right hand until her cheek was resting in it.
"Huh?"
She drew her hand away from her cheek, surprised that it felt wet. Was she bleeding?
"Why am I crying?"
Sparkling tears glistened on her cheek as they slowly slid down, and rested on her chin. Why would she be crying? She had no reason to.
"Ah...I see," she mumbled.
No matter what she said or did, her feelings would always betray her. Why had she said those things to Shinji? She had certainly hurt him. She hadn't meant to, she just couldn't admit that he was right, because then she would have to realize that she was wrong.
She couldn't forsake Eva, no matter hard she tried, or no matter how much she relied on Shinji. It was part of who she was, her body was molded to fit inside her Eva. And yet, she was jealous of Shinji, so much that it hurt to think about him. She both loathed and loved the sight of him. He gave her hope when she couldn't find any, yet she hated him, because he was what she could not be.
Why couldn't she just be honest with him? Was she simply just too prideful? She had wanted to yell at him to take her away from this miserable life, to rid her of the torment of piloting Eva. Her sanctuary had been defiled by the angel, but her mind and her body acted differently. She had been trained so vigorously at the German branch of Nerv that it had become something of a reflex, like a habit. How was she supposed to break something like that?
She didn't want Shinji to have to suffer like she had, so she had shunned him. But he was so stupid that he was sure to return...right?
Maybe not...
What Shinji had said about them being alike, Asuka could never refute that. But because they were able to understand each other, that means that they were able to hurt each other more deeply then the average human relationship. But who was Shinji to Asuka anyway?
"I don't know," she mumbled as her hands ran over her tear streaked face. "I didn't want this to happen..."
Shinji was unsure what to do. Should he really leave? Was his father right? Was he simply just running away? But who would care if he did? Asuka had...reacted differently to what Shinji had thought she would have done. He had at least thought she would have told him that she thought that him leaving was completely stupid and that he had to stay and cook for her. He had never expected her to leave with him, but to blatantly tell him that she didn't care whether he stayed or not, that it was completely his decision and that he shouldn't act on what other people say and do. Why couldn't she admit that they needed each other? Was it so hard to admit that fact?
Maybe it was for her.
Shinji had to remind himself what she had been physically bred to do, and that was pilot Eva. He had never needed training, it had simply come naturally, which he figured had something to do with his exhibition of angel powers. She had certainly gone through rigorous training in Germany, so much that she despised the place. He could understand why she was so adamant on not returning. He couldn't blame her.
The fact was that she had nowhere else to go in the world, she had been trained for nothing else. What if the angel were finally defeated, what then? Were the Evangelion's and there pilots necessary in a peaceful world devoid of angels? What kind of job would she have in that scenario? Shinji honestly didn't want to think about that, because it felt too cruel.
Why couldn't she completely trust him, no matter what the problem was? She didn't have to fend for herself. They had shared enough that it was simply common sense.
Was the shelter and power of the Evangelion the only thing that kept her from collapsing? But after this last battle, how did she feel? She was already in a terrible state because of the attempted rape, and then she had to go and test an Evangelion that she was wholly unfamiliar with. How was one supposed to feel about that?
But what was he supposed to do? Was she being honest when she had said that she didn't care wether he stayed or not? Or was that simply just her pride getting in the way again?
"Shinji?"
Shinji froze in mid step and looked around. He had not realized how much he had wandered away from the hospital ward and was surprised to noticed that he was in a completely unfamiliar part of Nerv that he had never entered before.
Looking around for the voice that called his name, he saw somebody peering out of a glass window to his right. It looked like...
"Kaji...right," Shinji muttered?
What came back was slightly muffled as they were talking through a piece of glass. "Yeah, and I'm surprised to see you over in the investigation department. Hardly anybody every comes here, you least of all."
"...I was sorta thinking and lost track of time."
Kaji frowned at him for a moment before he stood and walked over to the door. Opening it he said, "Come on in. You seem to not have anything better to do."
Shinji's shoulders slumped slightly as he muttered an almost inaudible, "K'ay."
As Shinji walked into Kaji's office the first thing he understood was that him and Misato had similar habits, in that both seemed to be extremely unorganized. Papers were strewn across a small desk that housed a computer who's keyboard was hidden under a stack of papers. A bulletin board next to the desk on the right showed a detailed map of the world. Shinji noted that it showed the world as it was before Second Impact.
Kaji seemed to notice that Shinji took some interest in the map and said, "Its difficult to find pre Second Impact maps anymore. Almost all of them have been thrown out or redrawn."
"Is that what Antarctica used to look like before Second Impact?"
"Yeah, it used to be a solid piece of ice, now most of the ice has evaporated though. Do you know much about Second Impact?"
"...Just what the teacher taught us at school, which I learned later was wrong."
"Well its not something that the public is supposed to know after all."
"...So what happened?"
Kaji paused for a minute, before he sat down in the chair in front of his desk and crossed his arms. "Do you know much about Misato's childhood?"
Shinji shook his head. "No, she never talks about herself."
"...She never did."
"What does Misato have to do with Second Impact?"
"Do you know about the South Pole Expedition team?"
"...No, what is it?"
"A team of scientists that initiated Second Impact. Misato's father was in charge of the expedition."
"What! They initiated-"
"You know about Adam, correct?"
"The First Angel, yeah."
"Adam appeared in the South Pole during the expedition team. A contact experiment using Adam as the host ensued during which they lost control of the experiment. That is what is known as Second Impact. Misato was only a little kid during this and she witnessed it. She's the only survivor of the team sent down there. Her father died before her eyes, he put her in a capsule and ejected it out to sea. That white cross she wears around her neck all the time, is a memento from her father. The reason she joined Nerv was because she felt that as her fathers daughter, it was her duty to continue on in his legacy, and so she fights the angels in the best way she can. ...As you said, she never likes to talk about herself, though she has a good reason. In fact you seem to be the only person that she's warmed up to in recent years."
"...What about you and Ritsuko though?"
"The two of us fell out a long time ago, as for Ritsuko, well, its a professional relationship now days. Enough about us adults though, how do you feel?"
Shinji paused for a minute before he said, "What do you mean?"
"You have been under house arrest for over a week now, and Asuka has now been bed ridden, what do you plan to do?"
"What do I plan-"
"I heard that you attempted to talk with the commander, and I used attempted because I heard that nothing good came out of it. And so do you really plan on leaving Nerv?"
"I don't know."
"Did you consider how Misato would feel? She would certainly be hurt because of your decision."
"I talked with Asuka..."
"And what did she say?"
"...She...didn't care."
"So what will you do?"
"...I don't know..."
Kaji paused for a moment before he leaned back in his chair. "You know Shinji...you are a lot like myself when I was a kid. I was indecisive, I followed what others did, I didn't think for myself. I couldn't think without somebody else telling me what to do, and just like you, I tried to run away from my responsibilities. Shinji, you may not have realized it, but you have been thrust into the position of adult hood far sooner then most humans, and not just you, Asuka too. You have responsibilities that would make most adults shake in their shoes. You have aged too quickly, and us adults of the old generation must blame ourselves for that. You have become a man Shinji, and so you must make decisions like a man should."
"I'm still a kid."
"Physically yes, but as I said, you have done things that no adult could ever do. You have a burden that no adult could ever carry."
"...Are you referring to my-"
"No, nor do I care about what changes you undergo. I still see the same Shinji that I met in Misato's apartment."
"But I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm nothing more than a pawn that gets moved around whenever it suits a person's needs. Why do I pilot Eva?"
Kaji paused for a second before he sighed and shook his head. "I can't answer that Shinji, only you can."
Shinji suddenly found himself intensely interested in a spot on the wall where the paint seamed to be chipped.
"If you want my advice though," said Kaji after a few seconds, "I wouldn't leave, it would be irresponsible at this point. A man should finish what he started."
"But I didn't start this, you grownups did."
"For which we shall never be forgiven, most likely. In our folly, we attempted to usurp the power of God and claim it as our own using science. Now we have to deal with the world as it is. Don't make the same mistake that past generations have made Shinji."
Shinji wasn't sure whether Kaji was with or against him. His advice didn't seem all that helpful to him.
"And with regards to Asuka," said Kaji continuing, "give her some time. In certain aspects, she bears a strong resemblance to a young woman that I used to know a long time ago."
"...I assume you mean Misato."
"I didn't say that," muttered Kaji.
Shinji couldn't help it, he chuckled lightly.
"I'm surprised to see that you're not in there with her, considering you've already disobeyed orders and frightened a nurse half to death," said Misato as she walked down the hallway, stopping when she saw Shinji sitting on a chair opposite the door he was starring at.
Turning towards her, Shinji shrugged and said, "Being near is fine for now."
"Did you two have another fight?" Asked Misato as she sat down next to him.
"...No, not like our normals fights, I told her that I planned on quitting Nerv and I asked her to follow me."
"And she of course refused you."
"How did you-"
"I've known Asuka far longer than you have Shinji, since she was first chosen as the Second Child, and the training that she underwent to accomplish that. She would be throwing five years of her life away if she followed you."
"I suppose."
"...So? Do you still plan on leaving?"
"I still don't know. What is the meaning behind my life if all I'm good for is piloting Eva?"
"Everybody is grateful for what you do Shinji, even the commander."
"My father? He doesn't give a damn..."
"He just has difficulty showing his emotions."
"...If he even has any," muttered Shinji.
The two passed into silence until Shinji blurted something out without meaning.
"Misato, what kind of man was your father?"
The question seemed to catch Misato off guard for a minute because she turned towards him and asked him with a raised eyebrow, "What made you ask that?"
"I don't know...my conversation with my father I guess. Its the first I've had since I left home years ago. I had asked Asuka about her family before...but I feel like the answer I got wasn't what I was looking for."
Misato continued looking at him for a minute before she sank back in to her chair. Crossing her legs, she said, "My father...was like yours in some ways. He was always so absorbed in his research that he never had time for me or my mother. I supposed thats why she divorced him eventually."
"Your parents are divorced?"
Misato smiled wanly and said, "I supposed they are, though my father is no longer living."
"I'm sorry."
"Its okay, he died doing what he enjoyed."
"Did you hate him?"
A long pause ensued, during which Shinji thought that Misato might not have heard his question and was about to open his mouth when she replied, "Yes, I suppose I did. I hated him for the same reasons that you hate your father. I felt that he had abandoned myself and my mother for his research. Though he loved me nonetheless and I found that out during the last few moments of his life. I hate myself for not realizing it sooner. And so I repent, by doing the only thing I see that I can do, by fighting the-"
"Sorry Misato...Kaji already told me some of this."
"Wha-"
"He told me about Second Impact and the South Pole Expedition team."
Misato narrowed her eyes and said, "That stupid self conceited bastar-"
"Sorry, and I sorta asked, so its my fault as much as his."
Misato grimaced and said, "How much did he tell you?"
"About the true nature of Second Impact, which also led into your childhood."
Misato seemed to be relieved about something, because she wiped the sleeve of her shirt across her brow. "I'll have to have a word with that idiot later. So you know that my dad helped start Second Impact."
"I wouldn't say it like that-"
"The commander was also part of the research team, but he had left a few days early on urgent business. He'd probably be dead if not for that."
"My dad was on the research team?"
"Yeah, your mother also."
"...I didn't know."
"It isn't in the history books. Officially a meteorite struck earth and created Second Impact, but most governments around the world know the true story."
"Why bother hiding it?"
"To control the public. If people were to know, mass panic would ensue. Humanity cannot recognize another intelligent being on the planet other than itself."
"And so you created the Evangelion and chose kids to pilot it."
Misato hesitated for a second but instead said, "Yes, in essence."
"Then its your people's fault that Asuka can't let got of the Evangelion."
"She chose what she would become-"
"Because there was no other option available for her!"
"Shinji, if you are quitting Nerv in protest of what the commander did, you wont get much sympathy. It was the only other option since the Fourth Child has yet to be found. Rei is only compatible with Unit 00, and you could not pilot."
"My father made the decision to hurt me and control me!"
"I don't like it either, but what do you expect me to do about it!"
"You're a grownup, you're supposed to be mine and Asuka's guardian, so why don't you take responsibility instead of always shoving it on me!"
This stung Misato greatly, and she seemed to now be leaning away from Shinji.
"Shinji...Asuka decided this by herself. She knew the possible danger, but she decided to-"
"Yet you didn't stop her, as a proper parent would have," Shinji retorted angrily.
This stung Misato even more, and she finally stood up and turned away from Shinji.
"Remember Shinji, if you leave, it will do more harm then good."
"Thats not for you to decide," he mumbled.
Misato sighed and said, "You've had to grow up too quickly, and yet you haven't matured."
Shinji then turned angrily toward her, only to see that she had started walking away.
"Remember Shinji," she called as she continued walking, "Asuka won't be the only one sad if you leave." Turning around, Shinji could see that the corners of her eyes were glistening with tears.
"I'd be sad too," she mumbled, before walking deeper into the depths of Nerv.
Shinji continued starring down the empty corridor where Misato had disappeared into for a long time before he turned his head to continue starring at the door that Asuka was behind. He didn't want to talk with her, not now, not after his discussion with Misato.
Had he gone too far? Yes, he probably had. Misato had looked after him for the longest time now. She had been the closest thing to a parent that he had experienced, and he had just accused her of being a terrible parent. But she wasn't, she didn't have a clue about who a parent really was. Is that what he was trying to find? Was he trying to find the ideal family?
"No, that wasn't it," he mumbled.
Then was he trying to find the love that his life had always been lacking. Had he tried to supplement Misato as a mother?
"...Damn it!"
Shinji kicked the chair that Misato had been sitting on to the side suddenly, his anger getting the better of him. Passing a hand over his eyes, he rubbed them, trying to get a hold of his emotions. What he really needed was to leave this place, but his security card had been taken from him so he couldn't do just that. He could force the gate open if he wanted, but he felt that was a bit excessive. So then how was he supposed...
"...Asuka..."
If he had her card he should be able to get through, the security cameras would set off an alarm though as soon as they saw him leaving. He was willing to take that chance though.
Standing up, he walked to her door and pressed his ear lightly against the cold wood. He didn't hear anything and hoped that she wasn't sleeping. It wouldn't feel right to take it while she was sleeping, and he knew she'd give him hell for taking it without her permission. But, she might give him hell anyway.
Grasping the doorknob with his right hand, he turned it quietly and slowly opened the door.
"About time baka. I was about to call a nurse to yank your ass in here."
Shinji was surprised to hear her scornful voice as though she was waiting for him, but even more surprised that, even though her voice was hard, she seemed to be smiling slightly.
"You were...waiting?"
"How could I not be with the racket you were making out there?"
Shinji grinned sheepishly, "So you heard everything with Misato?"
Asuka crossed her arms and said, "Who couldn't?"
Shinji was somewhat embarrassed and unsure how he should proceed. He was waiting for Asuka to start yelling at him for some of the things that he had said out there.
"So? I assume you weren't arguing over nothing out there. What have you decided?"
Shinji looked up into Asuka's face and said, "I think I know, but I still need time to think to be sure. I was hoping I could borrow your security card since I can't get leave without one."
"...Do you plan on leaving?"
"I've been here for over a week, I'd like to get some fresh air and think for a bit."
Asuka frowned, "I suppose. Just don't use it for anything perverted."
"Like what?"
Asuka narrowed her eyes and whispered something that Shinji scoffed at. The security cards that they were given were also used to make purchases. It was like a debit card.
"You should have more faith in me," mumbled Shinji after a few seconds.
"All boys are the same once you get past everything else."
"Yeah, yeah...so, are you gonna give it to me?"
Asuka hesitated for a second but said, "Yeah...I suppose."
Turning to her right, she opened a drawer next to her bed and drew out a chain with her card attached to it.
"I'll trust you to not lose it, and if you do I expect full compensation."
"Yes, I know," replied Shinji again.
"Good, then get going, I'm tired after having to hear yours and Misato's shouting match."
"Right," mumbled Shinji.
Turning towards the door, he got maybe a step in before something grabbed a hold of his wrist. Spinning around, he saw Asuka looking at him forlornly with her bottom teeth biting down on her lower lip.
"If you leave, I won't forgive you," she whispered.
Shinji froze for a second and looked back at her. He wanted to stay...but no, this felt too important to ignore. Simply nodding, he slid his wrist out of Asuka's grasp, and walked out the door.
The hand that had briefly held Shinji's wrist hung limply at Asuka's side before she brought it up to her face and pressed the back of it lightly against her left cheek.
"Baka," she mumbled, before she rolled over onto her stomach, buried her face in her pillow and tossed the sheets over her head.