Chapter 65!
Title: 'But I didn't… Part 3'
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Note: Final part for now, but in no way the least important. Actually, this is probably the most important part, really.
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Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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He set another graded paper to the side.
He rubbed his eyes a little tiredly, but he was still happy to be here. He smiled at his gradebook.
Most of them had only missed one or two answers.
But his pride for his students seemed to quell for a moment when he heard a tired little knock at the classroom door.
He thought for a moment that it could be a student who needed help with homework, but as he looked out the window, he noticed it had been dark for at least a half hour already.
His attention went back to the door.
This couldn't be one of his younger students.
He set down the red pen that he was happy to say hadn't been used very much in the past few weeks since he started teaching cram sessions after school, and walked up to the door, already adopting his usual smile.
But that smile almost disappeared when he opened the door to see the pink-haired girl standing there.
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God, I must look so pathetic.
Was my first thought as he opened the door. But I could feel something like relief wash over me when I saw Iruka-sensei's face. That smile. This classroom.
I took a little breath, feeling slightly better for some reason.
His smile faltered a little.
I didn't pay much attention to that. He was probably just worried that I was in so much pain I had to come see him. I shook a little when I realized that's exactly why I was here.
I tried to ignore that and picked up my voice.
"Hey… um… I just wanted to…" I started, talking a little easier than I thought I would be able to. "I just wanted to talk." I looked up at him, but this time his smile was completely gone.
I was about to ask if I really looked that horrible when I felt something drip off the side of my face.
I raised my hand to my face.
I was crying.
I was crying.
Was this even possible?
I didn't even feel the tears start falling until now… or did they just not start till now.
I quickly turned away from him, raising my arms to my face.
I started wiping away the tears a little roughly.
I didn't want to be here anymore.
Before I could even get a chance at feeling better I already broke down in front of him without even meaning to. It was as if the moment I saw him I just gave up trying to hold back without meaning to. I had been hoping that by talking with him, by just being around somebody who knew what my life was, I wouldn't have to cry like this. But it didn't work.
It did the opposite.
"S-sorry." I stuttered as I wiped my face. It was like now that I knew I was crying I could feel my breathing pick up and my throat close. I took a step backwards, "I-I'll come back l-later…" I managed to even my voice for that sentence enough.
I had started to walk down the hallway with that, feeling like I made a mistake coming here in the first place.
"Sakura!"
Instinct stopped me.
He hadn't been my teacher in years, but hearing him call my name like that. I had to stop.
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She was wiping the tears from her face quickly, looking like she was completely embarrassed to let him see her like this. Again.
Iruka shifted on the spot a little, getting anxious.
He didn't want her to be ashamed around him.
She started to turn away from him again.
Just like last night.
He fought that impulse to reach out to her. To make her look at him. To let her know that letting him see her cry wasn't the end of the world.
"S-sorry." She sputtered.
His chest seemed to lose all its air with the sound of her voice.
She started to walk away.
"I-I'll come back l-later…"
No.
No, she won't.
He knew she wouldn't.
She wouldn't come see him again if she could help it.
She hated being seen like this, and for it to happen twice… she probably didn't want to see him again for a long time.
The thought of her avoiding him.
Avoiding his help no matter how much he cared for her.
He didn't want that.
He couldn't stop himself from calling her name.
He couldn't stop himself from running after her.
He could've stopped his arms from closing around her.
But he didn't.
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I heard a footsteps running from behind me. I almost turned around but a pair of arms closed around me from behind before I could react.
I shook on the spot with the weight of his hug, my eyes slightly widened, tears falling more freely than I wanted.
I really didn't expect this.
I didn't know why he would just hug me like this.
Did he really pity me that much?
Was he just that sad for me?
Did he care about me that much?
I didn't really mind why he was hugging me anymore when I felt the warmth of his arms start to ease away some of the chilling pain that had been coating every single one my nerve-endings until now. Just like last night, his warmth was curing. It helped.
Something felt better.
I felt better.
I still felt stupid and little…. But better.
My hands reached his forearms that were wrapped under my chin. And even though I thought above moving his arms, my fingers just dug into the fabric of his sleeves.
I wanted more but I didn't at the same time. I wanted to run away from this, too.
Maybe it would've been better to have just gone home.
I wouldn't be this humiliated if I had.
I wouldn't be acting this weak, feeling this fine with it if I had.
But I wouldn't be this warm right now either.
"What happened?" His voice rumbled against my back, he sounded so completely worried. Almost hurt by the pain I couldn't hide from him. And yet the rumbling of his voce against me felt strong and stable. I loved the feeling. I loved it. I closed my eyes when I heard his voice again, enjoying this warmth and strength for a moment longer before his question made any sense to me. "What did he do?"
What did he do?
I didn't like the way he sounded so sure that Kakashi-sensei had done or said something that hurt me… even if he actually had… it wasn't on purpose…. He wasn't to blame.
No… this wasn't about anything Kakashi-sensei had done.
I was here because of me.
"He didn't do anything." I spoke up weakly, feeling like I could just collapse into these arms and be safe. But I didn't. I wouldn't let myself give up so entirely like that. "He still doesn't know anything." I added with an even weaker voice.
"Then what's wrong?" His gentle voice rumbled again. I couldn't enjoy it as much this time.
I let my fingers grip at Iruka-sensei's sleeves a bit tighter.
As if in response, I felt his chin press against the side of my head gently, his arms tightened.
I could feel the slash on my shoulder fire up as it rubbed through my shirt against his vest. I didn't care. I loved this feeling. It distracted me enough from my own thoughts long enough to respond.
"I have no idea what I'm doing."
I hadn't realized how true it was until the sentence slipped out.
I really do have no idea what I'm doing.
His arms twitched a little when I hesitated. Like he was making sure he wasn't holding me too tightly.
It wasn't tight enough. But I didn't say anything. I only clung onto his arms as I spoke up, the tears threatening my eyes again.
"I feel better when I'm around him, but now…" I trailed off, pain finding my voice like I had been trying to stop it before. "I don't know what I want anymore." I didn't'. But I knew I wanted to keep talking. I wanted to say this out loud. I wanted someone to hear me. I wanted someone to understand this horrible, torn feeling inside me.
"I thought maybe I could just help him remember me. And then I didn't want to burden him with me anymore." I weakened my voice slightly before speaking up, as if my saying out loud it would breaks some sort of rule. "But I can't imagine a life where I can't just… where he isn't…"
Iruka-sensei's arms tightened around me as I trailed off.
I could feel him breathing behind me. His chest gently pushing against my back with every inhale.
I could feel his heartbeat through his arms. So fast.
It was comforting.
This strength.
The feeling of arms around me. The motion of his breathing. The rhythm of his heart.
I closed my eyes.
"Sakura." His voice was even gentler than before.
I clung onto his arms a little tightly when they started to ease from around me. I wasn't ready to lose that warmth. His hands landed on my shoulders gently, turning me around to face him. "This isn't right…" He sounded so serious. "You can't put yourself through this much pain just for him." He looked into my eyes. I liked the way I could look back into both of his.
I missed that.
I agreed and disagreed with his words at the same time.
I knew it was unfair. But I wanted to stay by him.
"I know." I said simply, my voice still weak, my eyes still sore.
I didn't give him a warning when I let myself fall against his chest a little suddenly.
He stood there in shock for a moment, I only let my face lean against his vest gently.
He hesitated, as if he didn't understand why I would do that.
I weakly let my fingers tighten around his right wrist as completely as they could. He still seemed confused. I pulled his arm over my back.
And after only another moment of hesitation he seemed to understand, or if he already did, he finally let himself act on it.
And now, even gentler, even warier than before, he let his arms fold around me.
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I needed this.
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I needed this feeling. This feeling of being so close to somebody that you can embrace them like this at any time.
Kakashi-sensei and I weren't like this… anymore.
I wasn't exactly sure if Iruka-sensei and I had been like this before either, but I felt comfortable in his arms. I felt like he wanted to hold me.
I turned my attention back to our broken conversation, 'You can't put yourself through this much pain just for him.'
"But I can't leave him." I broke the silence after a moment.
His arms weren't so wary anymore as they closed around me tighter.
"I know." Iruka-sensei's voice, he repeated my words.
He understood. I could tell he still wasn't happy with my reply. But at least he understood my decision.
Feeling a lot better than I thought I would, I let my arms uncoil from around him. My hands still gripped onto his forearms.
His arms left me after a moment longer.
I looked up at him.
I was happy to see his honest, unmasked, face. Ever since I was little I knew his face never lied. Even now I could tell how sad he was for me. I could tell how much he probably wanted to me to rethink seeing Kakashi-sensei everyday. I could see how much he cared for me.
But I already knew what I was going to do.
Because of this moment he gave me. It helped me think.
I just needed to take time for myself to prepare for what I had to do.
I spoke up, my voice nowhere near as weak as it once was.
"I think I can be alone, now." I let my hands fall from him completely. "I shouldn't be bothering you with all of this." I apologized quickly looking down a little.
"Sakura." He called my attention back to his face. He was smiling. He still looked worried though. "I want to you to talk to me." I listened."You're never a bother."
Another warm bubble of gratitude and comfort filled in the hollow mess inside of me that the oozing, grating shame had left earlier today. I felt like I could breathe a little easier. My eyes still stung, but they were dry, and felt like they'd stay that way for a while.
I felt stronger again.
"Thank you, Iruka-sensei." I hoped he knew exactly how much I was thanking him for. I took a step back, his hand was still on my arm. He stopped me for a moment before I turned away.
"Thank you for coming to see me."
He smiled gently. Awkwardly. As usual.
I repaid the favor.
"Thank you." I repeated, still meaning it.
His smile widened, losing some of the worry.
I was suddenly glad I came here.
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She turned and left.
The look on her face as she thanked him just now. It was nothing like the one he saw when opened the door.
She left without some of that pain, she left without those silent tears, she left without some of that confusion.
He couldn't help a swell of pride in him for her as well as a moment of sadness.
But at least he helped.
He saw it this time.
He helped.
She thanked him.
He smiled a little brighter as he turned back to the doorway of his classroom. The night felt different because of those few short minutes, but he liked it.
He looked up from his feet with a deep, refreshing breath, readying himself to get back to grading and try and not think about the pink-haired girl as much as he wanted to right now.
But he was interrupted.
He nearly froze on the spot but willed himself to keep walking when he saw someone standing at the end of the hallway as if they'd just walked out of another classroom, papers in their hands.
He tried to pretend he didn't seem them, hoping they hadn't seen him, but as soon as he heard their voice he knew it was going to be impossible to ignore them.
"Uh, Iruka…." The voice of his colleague, Kuroke called out to him.
Iruka only walked further into his classroom, knowing Kuroke was following him. As soon as he heard the man walk into the doorway Iruka glanced over his shoulder with a quick smile. "Oh, you're still here?" Iruka asked up as he walked into his classroom, sounding more nervous than he wanted to.
He hoped Kuroke hadn't seen what just happened.
Not that it was something to hide, but… it was just… personal.
"Was that the Haruno girl?"
Iruka's hopes were dashed as the black-haired man leaned against the jamb of Iruka's doorway just as Iruka reached his desk, asking that question.
Iruka wanted to sigh.
He knew Kuroke was probably going to say something about not letting the alumni of the Academy walk around freely like that on weekdays. "Yes." Iruka answered as he picked up the papers.
"Wasn't she one of your students, uh…" Kuroke continued on the same path Iruka had expected, but he couldn't quite finish the sentence, he seemed to be waiting for something, "How long ago?" He finally asked.
Iruka tapped the edge of the papers on the desk hesitantly as he counted the years, "Almost five years ago."
Kuroke fidgeted on the spot for a moment before speaking up again, crossing his arms comfortably, his own papers still in hand. "And just like the others, you taught her for six years before she graduated?"
Iruka was starting to lose sight of where this conversation was going, but he still just bound the papers in a folder as he spoke up, "Yes. I've known her since she was little."
He suddenly felt much older than he'd like.
A long moment of quiet passed.
Iruka put the folder with the others inside his leather bag as Kuroke stared down the hallway Sakura had just walked down minutes ago with a far off look in his eyes.
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"She's grown up nicely hasn't she?... Very pretty."
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The tone in Kuroke's voice made his stomach jump a little, "What?" He could hear something like nervousness in his voice.
Kuroke turned to Iruka, grinning a little, "I'm just saying… I don't blame you."
"What are you talking about?" This was getting uncomfortable for the Academy teacher. He wasn't naïve enough not to know what Kuroke was saying, but he was hoping the man would take a hint and stop talking about it.
"I saw you two just now." Iruka's anxiety grew for a moment. "It was kind of a tender moment for an old teacher and a student…. or even just friends."
Iruka closed his bag a little quickly, snapping it shut loudly.
"It isn't anything like that." He said, losing the friendly tone in his voice quickly.
This was getting too inappropriate.
Kuroke didn't seem to care, "Come on, don't get so nervous about it. You're not her teacher anymore, you haven't had a girlfriend in god knows how long, and she's almost an adult anyways. Just a few years off, right?"
This was getting to be too much. Iruka was about to leave, but he couldn't just stand here and let Kuroke make fun of him like this.
"She just needed someone to talk to." He told the truth.
"So she came to you? That's perfect."
He made it sound wrong.
"Kuroke." Iruka's tone bit a little.
"What's your problem?" Kuroke pushed himself off the jamb, acting like Iruka was the one being unreasonable.
Iruka sighed deeply before finding his voice, "As teachers we have a lot of responsibility to our students. We should never…"
"But you aren't her teacher anymore…"
"That may be true for me, but to her I'll probably always be. We start teaching these children before they have any other adults in their lives besides their parents." Iruka collected the grading books on his desk slowly. "Because of that we have an even greater responsibility than their parents to keep that wall of trust between ourselves and them…" He recited the same advice that countless teaching books had all taught about how close a teacher can actually get to a student.
That, just like with parents, there is a wall a trust that children share with teachers that keep them close but never too close.
Kuroke seemed bored by Iruka's response, but not disrespectful about it, "Yes, I understand what you're saying, Iruka… But kids grow up…. They become adults. Do you think that that Haruno girl still thinks like the little six year-old you met the first day of class?... She's nearly a woman now…. She thinks and looks and moves like one now."
Iruka couldn't let himself listen to this right now.
Not when the girl they were talking about was still dealing with the pain of a relationship she had started with a teacher, but Kuroke didn't stop, "Besides, I don't think you and Haruno would be the first to-"
"I'll see you tomorrow." Iruka stopped him harshly.
He was usually never one to interrupt or get so easily bothered, but just the suggestion that he and Sakura… and the fact that they 'wouldn't be the first' being painfully true to Iruka, was enough to make him forget any of his manners.
Kuroke stopped him before he could take more than a few steps down the hallway.
"Hey, if you need to talk about whatever's going on-"
"Nothing's going on." Iruka called back with more attitude than he actually wanted.
"Sure… but still…" Kuroke didn't believe him.
Iruka didn't want to deal with him right now.
"Thanks."
The scarred Academy teacher left the grounds that night with mixed emotions.
He had been proud of his students.
Pained to see Sakura cry again.
Happy to relieve some of her sadness.
And now… he couldn't really decide what he was feeling.
He thought he'd been irritated at Kuroke, but even after leaving his annoying colleague, this irritation still lingered.
Something made him think he might've been… angry at himself.
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But he couldn't figure out why.
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He walked back into the main room of his apartment.
He sighed when he saw the bandages and tape lying on the table, untouched.
He was going to have to make sure she got treatment tomorrow.
But for now… his mind was still reeling…
What just happened?
He really just had that conversation with her. So much happened for so little talking, but everything that happened just now was so new to him.
This afternoon she was just Sakura.
The girl he's had to look after for years.
The girl he had wanted to start training again.
But… After this… After the way she just dutifully hid the emotions this talk must've given her and walked out of this room as if nothing had happened. She seemed different.
She was a young woman who'd been through more than she should've been recently.
And she was still strong enough to remain professional about everything.
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But a part of him didn't want her to be professional.
Again, for the dozenth time today, he didn't know why he felt like this.
But he just wanted her to be 'Sakura'.
The girl he could remember before this.
The girl with a slight temper problem and a strong will.
The girl who would try her best even though she was so sure she was the weakest.
The girl that would look for his praise when she succeeded.
The girl he saw that night training to near exhaustion.
The girl he wanted to make stronger.
The girl he wanted to reach out to.
The girl he wanted by his side.
The girl he wanted to kiss.
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Wait.
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He leaned forward, holding his head in his hands for a long moment.
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He couldn't… he couldn't think through that last one.
That wasn't right.
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He had no idea where it came from.
He hadn't even...
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He couldn't…. He didn't….
There was no way he could feel... He couldn't feel like this for her.
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His head spun a little quickly with that thought. Just the idea of ever having romantic feelings for… Sakura.
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It didn't seem possible.
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… but he couldn't stop thinking about it.
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No matter how much he kept trying to forget ever letting this cross his mind it didn't work, the feelings attached to that mental slip only grew stronger and stronger by the moment, coming out of nowhere… as if they had been hidden somewhere until he accidentally let them loose.
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He had no idea what was happening.
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He couldn't think.
He couldn't move.
Even the lingering scent of strawberries in the apartment didn't calm him like it had the night before. It seemed to make things worse when he suddenly remembered how badly he had wanted to reach out to her, to feel her in his arms.
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He couldn't make sense of himself anymore.
He couldn't think about anything but her right now.
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Next chapters will be out soon-ish.