Chapter 67!
Title: 'The Repetition of History'
Note: Sorry this took forever… but I swear I'll make it up to you guys!
…
…
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
.. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
They gathered at the usual spot, baskets and bags in hand.
Each of them wore boots that could hold up against the large puddles of last night's rain.
The early bird housewives of Konohagakure would often spend the few minutes of waiting time until the markets opened up to exchange news and gossip if not only about their lives but the more famous nin of the village. But as of lately, nothing seemed to be happening.
"Has anybody heard of anything new?" The most opinionated of the women spoke up over the others after spending a few minutes of random chit-chat.
The women went a little quiet and looked at each other for a moment. Nothing.
A slightly mousy woman found her voice with a hint of excitement, "Wait, did your nephew hear anything more about Sarutobi-san and Kurenai-san?"
"No…" The aunt of whoever the mousy one had spoken to replied solemnly.
And with that, the women lost the hope for more drama to fill these useless minutes of their morning. But instead of resorting to talking about their families or the weather, the louder one addressed this very serious problem.
"So nothing is happening?" She asked. "Has this village actually gotten boring?"
Some on the women smiled with a apologetic look as if they had come to church without tithe. The louder one huffed slightly. "And I thought this place would always have some sort of entertainment."
"Good morning, ladies." A simple voice interrupted their moment of boredom.
They turned to the black-haired Academy teacher as he approached them without much warning.
"Kuroke-san." They muttered back, not very pleased to see a random man come drifting into their conversation like this.
"How's my son doing?" The mousy one asked up, forgetting to be displeased when she suddenly worried about her son's grade.
"He's doing fine, Kide-san."
She seemed relieved.
Silence grew between the group and him again.
"I was just on my way to work when I heard your little problem." He smiled with charm that these women, like most Konohagakura wives of shinobi, were immune to. They were made of tougher stuff than most.
He noticed the lack of reaction and cleared his throat, "It seems like you all need something to talk about." He explained.
They turned to him a little more openly, arms crossed apathetically, hearing something of an offering in his voice.
"I just found out something slightly scandalous last night, if you care to give me a minute."
Lacking anything better to do, they did.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
I checked myself in the mirror one last time, trying to buy some more time before I had to leave the house.
I had been postponing this a little, leaving.
After last night… even with the peace Iruka-sensei had given me… I still wasn't all that eager to go see Kakashi-sensei.
Because I finally figured out what I had to do.
…
Only what I needed.
…
It was my job to help him remember the missions, not me.
It was my job to make sure he was the one healed in and out, not me.
I wouldn't give him all of this trouble and pain again.
That would be too selfish.
…
Today I just had to help him.
This was for him.
Not me.
…
I could feel my posture tense into a crouch over the vanity of my mirror with those tired thoughts. They'd been spinning circles in my mind all night, repeating themselves as if in preparation.
I was too tired to really feel very much pain from them anymore.
They just seemed to be… facts now.
An unbreakable rule I set for myself.
I couldn't fight against it.
…
All I could do was what was needed of me.
…
And, for right now… I felt like that was enough.
For him, at least.
Not me, though.
…
I tried to actually look at myself in the mirror instead of staring blankly like I had the past dozen times I checked in the same attempt to stretch time.
I thought I didn't really care how I looked, but the longer I looked at myself the more I noticed the bags under my eyes and the lack of color in my complexion.
I sighed.
I looked pretty gross.
And I did care.
Even though I definitely wasn't trying to impress Kakashi-sensei… it still didn't help my confidence to know I looked like… this.
I ran my hands over my face, trying to wipe my concern for my looks away.
I stared into my hands for a long quiet moment before I let out a breath and dropped them to my sides, my head bowed slightly.
I was about to turn around and leave this room which seemed more like a self-made prison right now, -one that I was the inhabitant and key-keeper of- but I was distracted. On my vanity sat something I'd nearly forgotten about.
It glistened in the afternoon light a little.
I stood there and looked at it for a long moment.
I was mesmerized.
Not only by the way it sparkled, but by the voice I could hear behind the memory of it. That voice.
'Relax. It's only a costume.'
…
I'm sure it was.
But that didn't stop me from taking the chain from an old necklace I'd owned and restringing it right now.
I should've just forgotten it.
But I didn't want to.
And not doing so felt… okay.
This had been a lie inside of our lie. A costume.
It wasn't real.
If I hold onto it, I'm not holding onto us… just another lie.
It's only a lie.
…
It's alright if I keep it with me, right?
…
It jingled a little when I let the chain fall around my neck with the new adornment on it.
I liked my reflection a little more right now.
I almost smiled.
I'm such an idiot.
I stuffed the chained ring under my shirt quickly, feeling embarrassed of myself but not embarrassed enough to take it off before leaving my room to go see the man who gave me that 'costume' ring.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
…
He lay there, unmoving, for another long minute just like the dozens before it. His mind seemed to full and cramped with thoughts, but painfully empty at the same time.
…
…
…
I have to be insane.
…
…
…
I have to be delusional, or crazy, or brain damaged.
That last one was true to some extent right now but not in the way that could explain why he… why he… why he was like this.
…
…
He sat up in his bed, he could already tell he slept in too late, it looked like it was late afternoon. But sleeping patterns were the last of his worries right now as he bowed forward, pressing his forehead against his arms as the crossed over his bent knees, trying to think through what exactly was happening to him.
He had thought that he only needed some sleep in order to forget his… the feelings he felt last night. He thought he could've just been tired from expending so much chakra or that maybe, after talking with… her… for so long about… love… and seeing her in that sort of mature way that maybe his mind had only connected the wrong feelings between that girl and romance because of it. That it was only because of his 'damaged wiring'.
…
But even if that was still a theory he had hoped was true, right now as he crossed his forearms over his head -as if he was trying to block the feelings from his mind-, he knew that things weren't that simple.
Not after that dream just now.
…
Waist deep in water. A girl was in his arms, slightly shorter and smaller than a woman his own age. He hadn't paid it much mind. He couldn't really focus on much when he noticed he could feel every detail of her smooth skin, his hands running up and down along her back, in and out of the water, along her shoulders, up the nape of her neck. His fingers tangled in her hair for a moment. He couldn't see, his eyes were closed. His lips moving with another pair, the ones that belonged to this girl. He could feel a shy tongue press between his lips, and before he realized he didn't have any sort of control over himself he felt him pick up the pace of the kiss hungrily with that. Her slender hands started trailing along his chest. He broke the kiss hesitantly when he felt her pour some of the warm water down his chest, her fingers travelling downward, too. Those slender fingers fastened around the waist of his pants, quickly unbuttoning the top. As he watched the dream, he had no inclination to stop her –enjoying the sensations he hadn't known a longer time than he cared to think about-, but he felt his hands close around her wrists. Even as a spectator, he felt the familiarity of those wrists. His nerves seemed to freeze for a moment despite how warm the dream felt. He hoped he was wrong. He hoped he didn't really recognize those wrists, those hands, that skin, that hair, those lips. But something told him he did. And before he could accept it, his eyes had opened in the dream. A flash of wet pink hair, his own fingers braided into it deeply. The pink reached her pale cheeks, even pinker with the heat. Light green eyes that looked up at him with an expression he had only ever remembered seeing from other women and never dreamed of seeing in those eyes. It was her. His team member, his subordinate, his student. The look she was giving him, the way he could feel himself holding her, it was too much.
He wished he could close his eyes again. This was too much. He couldn't be here. He couldn't let himself feel this. He couldn't let himself feel her like this.
He woke up.
And now here he was.
Trying to think this out while trying not to think at all.
Every thought that passed his mind led back to her.
The way he had felt her in that dream.
He knew dreams were the key to subconscious desires, but…
… he… he couldn't really…
That's not what he wanted from her.
That's not how he felt about her.
…
He had only wanted to protect her. To ease her pain. To ease her shame.
He didn't want….
He didn't.
He didn't want her like that.
If anything, yesterday should've solidified his fear of caring too much for her and hurting her. Yesterday he saw how fragile she could be. How she'd been hurt by a man.
How she was even afraid of him.
…
His hands clenched into fists when he remembered the way she pulled away from him yesterday.
'No!'
…
Some part of her was actually afraid of him.
And with the way he is now…
They he couldn't stop thinking about her.
Couldn't stop himself from remembering the feeling of her skin. Couldn't stop himself from wanting to know what it would really feel like to hold her against him like that. What it would feel like to run his hands through her hair.
What it would feel like to pull her lips to his.
…
She was scared of him.
…
…
And she was right to be.
…
She should be afraid of him.
…
He ground his forehead against his arms with that thought, feeling something like self-contempt sink in as he actually wanted to hit himself for a moment. He only sighed deeply.
…
What kind of man am I turning into?
…
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Stepping out the front door today seemed to be as difficult as it had been yesterday despite the fact that the ground outside was wet with the rain from this morning and I always had enjoyed the way the air felt after rain… but that didn't matter. A part of me still wanted to run back inside and find some excuse to hide under the covers for the rest of the day the same way I had been so glad to do last night. A bigger part of me though wanted to get all this done as quickly as possible, to bite down and do what I needed without thinking. And although I was still torn between those two parts of me, the latter had grown stronger today.
I almost let something like a smile threaten my lips as I found the circular metal bump resting under my shirt.
I started walking down the street with surprisingingly less thought that necessary now that my attention was back on my recently improvised accessory.
I had thought to wear the ring the way it was meant to be, but… I felt like it was better this way…
… I guess that's because since I was little I would always see some of the stronger kunoichi of our village wearing rings around their necks exactly like this.
I asked my mom why they wore rings like that when I was little, she only looked kind of sad and said, 'Because they lost the man who gave it to them.'
…
Even if this ring was a like.
Even if he isn't completely lost to me.
I at least understood those kunoichi a little.
I only knew a fraction of their pain, but still… just feeling the weight of the metal band on my neck, hearing his voice in the memories it gave me, remembering the feeling of his lips when he gave this 'costume' piece to me….
It made me feel just a little closer to him.
I closed my eyes gently, still well aware of where I was going and if I was going to bump into anyone busy with their afternoon shopping.
This little piece of metal made me feel a little more secure… just remembering he was once a man that would give me this rung and then worry cutely about whether or not I was taking him seriously and would avoid him because of it.
The fact that one day not at all long ago there was even a possibility of him seriously giving me this rung was enough to remind me that… that no matter how much I missed him, no matter how much it hurts to know that I might have to give him up… this was proof, proof that we had been together.
We'd existed.
We'd existed.
We'd exis-
"Sakura-chan!"
My moment of blind thought halted awkwardly as my eyes flew open to find a few familiar faces.
"Naruto, Sai…" I said their names with some surprise, snatching my hand away from my necklace.
I hadn't been so surprised to see Naruto. He usually made a point to see me everyday… but Sai…
I knew he tended to follow Naruto around, but something about seeing him now shook me a little.
Maybe that's because the last time I saw him…
'Was he happy to see you?'
Pain threatened to overrun my pleasantly numb mood I'd worked hard on today.
"Are you going to go visit Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked up happily, picking up pace again.
"Yeah." I answered back simply, not sounding all that excited about it.
"We were going, too." Sai added before Naruto got a chance, but he still looked over to me with a big grin.
I almost smiled.
"Really?" I could use some company.
With that thought I was immediately struck with the ironic nostalgia of this conversation.
Last time I was going to his apartment and they interrupted me like this –the fact it happened again made me wonder whether or not Sai and Naruto had actually planned to track me down like this or something- and talked like this I was kind of irritated that they were interrupting my time with Kakashi…. but now… I don't want to see Kakashi-sensei alone again just yet.
Maybe having them around will help me feel normal again.
"Yeah!" Naruto's hyper response cut off my thoughts, "We got a present for him!"
A present?
"What is it?" I asked bluntly.
Naruto was about to start his explanation but he seemed to stop himself for a moment of thought. He glanced over his shoulder with a mini-scorn. "Well, it was actually Sai's idea, but I did everything else." He reasoned to me.
Sai, thinking of a present?
Wow.
"And the awesome part if that it'll make your job a lot easier!" The slight mention of my 'job' and my spirits seemed to start to melt away again, "This is a sure kill way to help Kakashi-sensei get some of his memories back!"
What?
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
I should call this off…
She shouldn't come here.
She shouldn't see me.
…
I shouldn't see her.
…
I should resign as her captain.
I should talk to Tsunade about transferring her to a medic-nin team to train.
She shouldn't stay anywhere near me.
He paced his bedroom as he dresses, not paying attention to how rumpled his short looked or how his mask was slightly askew. He especially forgot to focus on his clothing when his eyes landed on that framed picture for the thirtieth time since he woke up that afternoon. And much like the previous twenty0nine times, that sharp and sickening pan fog guilt stabbed at his stomach, running icily to his heart.
Before thinking he paced over to the guilt-inducing picture and flipped it onto its front, catching the innocent face of that pink-haired girl one last, gut-wrenching, time before he felt a little better.
That picture was probably the worst thing to look at right now.
It showed him all the reasons why what he was feeling was wrong.
She was his student.
She was his subordinate.
She was thirteen years his junious.
He had met her when she was thirteen, when he was already twenty-six.
He had been twice her age.
His hour-long grimace deepened instantly with that thought.
She's just a kid and I'm…
…I'm turning into one of those lecherous men... that goes after girls half his age.
I need to get a girlfriend.
I need to find a woman my own age.
I've just been single for too long.
This is all this is.
Sak-… She's been the only… girl -he couldn't bring himself to call her a 'woman'- in my every day life.
That's all this is…
These feelings weren't meant for her, they're just a mistake.
A mix-up of a bachelor's brain.
This isn't about her. Thus is just lonliness going too far.
That thought struck him a little deeper than he thought it would.
Lonliness?
Again, something seemed to hurt for a moment.
He adjusted his forehead protector over his eye, looking at the mirror without really looking.
It had been so many years since he felt that kind of hollow pain.
After losing his family, mentor, team, and most of his friends, he hadn't really had the chance to feel this type of pain anymore.
He'd gotten used to waking up alone and coming home alone for many years now.
But… it felt as if… as if he lost someone. Again.
He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to explore this vague pain, something that didn't seem real for a moment, like a pain he'd felt in a dream… but no matter how different it felt. It was there.
Yes. This was the pain of losing someone.
Someone really important.
His grimace deepened even further as he stood there, staring a mile into his reflection grabbing at these feelings as if they were the fragile, frayed ends of a rope that would lead him out of the labyrinth of his mind.
I really did lose someone, didn't I?
Someone really important to me.
His stomach seemed to turn over at the thought that he might've lost someone he didn't even know anymore. That whatever precious memory or connection he had had with whoever it was was now lost with his memories.
His mind flashed to the only other type of person he's known he 'lost'. His hand found his neck, passing over the almost faded mark on his neck.
He felt he was right.
Whoever he lost, either in life or in his mind, she belonged to this mark.
She must've meant more to me than I thought.
A lot more.
Whoever she is.
Connecting dots he couldn't see on the same paper he suddenly remembered his pick-haired medic-nin.
He leaned onto the desk tiredly.
I have a woman out there somewhere but here I am… falling for my sixteen-year old subordinate like a lonely pervert.
Even that thought was enough to make his posture slump slightly with self-contempt.
How did my life get like this?
I'm screwing everything up.
But even withing that thought he couldn't quite care as much as he knew he should've. No matter how wrong he knew these feelings were… they didn't feel that way. They almost felt… good… right.
And that was what was really scaring him.
The way that even with the guilt, he couldn't stop thinking about her. He couldn't let these feelings and desires go.
He wanted to know the feeling of her skin.
Her hair.
Her breath.
Her lips.
His mind found the overwhelmingly realistic dream he was still recovering from.
He sighed, his shoulders dropping deeply.
He got the feeling he was too far into this to try and stop these feelings now.
They were filling up every corner of his mind, every thought.
And that was dangerous.
I should call this off.
I can't see her like this.
She can't see me like this.
I should tell her to never come back. That I'll get another medic-nin.
…
But I won't.
I'm not strong enough for that.
…
And that's why I can never allow myself to get any closer to her.
… I'm not strong enough.
I won't be able to stop myself.
…
He absent-mindedly slipped the green stone around his neck and under his shirt.
…
I guess it's for that best that she's afraid of me.
That'll help.
He frowned without meaning to.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Walking up to this door with Naruto and Sai on my heels helped a lot.
Everything felt so… normal.
Even as I knocked, it didn't feel as horrible as it had yesterday.
But a wave of unwelcomed nostalgia hit when Naruto ran up beside me and banged on the door rudely, too eager to show off his mystery-present, no doubt.
I almost scolded him for being inconsiderate, but that would have been too much… too similar to the last time I was here with everyone.
I didn't want to remember that time of my life right now.
I found my fingers had started playing with the ring hanging on the chain around my neck, forgetting to keep it covered under my shirt.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Tap tap
A gentle sound hit his door, the moment it did he knew who it was. He couldn't explain it, but he didn't try to when he was suddenly too busy trying to keep his heart from beating so hard. Trying to stop the way his entire nervous system seemed to freeze over and heat up at the same time as soon as he realized she was only feet away. And definitely trying to stop himself from turning back to his mirror to make sure he looked alright.
That alone was irredeemably humiliating, the fact he was actually worried about the way he looked… especially when it was only hist student behind the door. She shouldn't be somebody to look good for.
Besides, he had thought that he left those appearance-worries back in his teenage years where they belonged.
Realizing he's been thinking about this for too long anyways, he shook his head.
That isn't important right now.
The only thing that I need to focus on is keeping my distance and clearing my mind of her.
He frowned when after trying to push his thoughts of her to the back of his mind, they only seemed to grow twice as strong.
He paused on his way to the door, leaning against the wall in a moment of disappointment.
I should really just turn her away.
She's still injured.
I should tell her to go home and rest.
She shouldn't be around me.
Even with these thoughts cementing into his mind, he reached for the door only to be interrupted mentally and physically.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
…
Naruto…He grumbled mentally, unable to reign in the probably childish disppontement that the girl on the other side of this door wasn't alone.
She was with a boy that had had a crush on her for years, in fact.
With that thought something dangerously close to jealousy threatened Kakashi when he recognized that he had, if only just for a split second, considered Naruto as competition.
My brain must be more screwed up than I thought.
He nearly sighed, but couldn't find the breath to do so when he started opening the door. He couldn't tell if he was nervous about the illegality of his feelings for the girl behind this door, or if he was nervous because of his feelings.
He realized that it was both as his eyes found her face and he felt his heart start beating as if he was already a criminal behind the stand.
…
I'm definitely screwed up.
...
That cringe-worthy thought didn't stop him from smiling casually and pretending as if everything was normal.
But he knew things weren't normal… and with the way he couldn't keep his eyes off of her, he knew things weren't going to be going back to 'normal' easily, either.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
The door opened.
I had thought that this would be easier.
I had thought that since Naruto and Sai were here that maybe, somehow, things would stay normal… that I'd feel normal… that it wouldn't hurt.
It didn't… hurt…
But…
I felt trapped.
Nobody here knew what I knew.
Nobody here knew.
… I mean, Naruto and Sai didn't know before either… but the fact that nobody knew. That I didn't have a secret to keep, the fact that this silver-haired man opening the door and I weren't keeping a secret… the fact that we were so NORMAL is what felt so surreal.
It was like a different world.
And there was nothing I could do about it.
There was nothing I could do about the way I suddenly felt so nervous when he was suddenly standing there
The way my heart was beating too hard.
The way my eyes found his instinctually.
The way they left mine only to look back a second later.
I couldn't think. But I didn't want to.
I just wanted to look at his face, to pull back that forehead protector and look into both of his mismatched eyes, to pull down his mask and see his mouth again, to feel his lips at least one more time.. The longer he kept looking at me the harder it was to try and stop myself. And even in this moment of madness I almost thought, just for a moment, that he was looking back at me with the same look in his eyes.
I was probably just seeing what I wanted to see.
But then he smiled that smile. The smile Kakashi-sensei was famous for. The one I had long learned was actually just a façade, the smile that hid his real one.
And everything went back to normal.
He was just Kakashi-sensei.
I was just Sakura.
Nothing else existed.
And then I was reminded just how wrong I was when Naruto suddenly jumped in front of me again, breaking my stare that had settled on Kakashi-sensei longer than it should have.
Naruto popped up, already talking faster than I could think.
"Hey, Kakashi-sensei! You feelin' any better?" He asked excitedly, but he didn't pause for an answer, "Guess what we got for ya! " He ordered.
A moment passed, Kakashi-sensei just stared down at Naruto a little tiredly, but still slightly open-eyed with something like anticipation, though I couldn't imagine Kakashi-sensei anticipating any sort of present from Naruto without being apprehensive about it first.
Another moment of silence passed as Kakashi-sensei didn't guess. Naruto shifted on the spot impatiently.
"Well, guess what's still showing at Bankuro village?" Naruto asked, a bit calmer, really set on making Kakashi-sensei actually guess.
One word struck me after a moment.
'Showing'?
… like a…
No…they couldn't mean…
…
Of course not.
If it was Sai's idea, there's no way he would have thought of this.
Of course no-
As soon as I had glanced over to the black-haired boy he promptly turn to me and smiled politely.
He DID plan this!
He's still interested in me and Kakashi-sensei, isn't he?
He thinks if he can set this up, somehow it'll trigger something, doesn't he?
He's going to make this worse than last time!
…
I had to take a moment to absorb the nostalgic déjà vu as I thought back to that day that seemed forever ago.
…
And then the pain followed, everything seemed to blur out of focus for a moment as I saw Naruto whip out the little orange movie tickets from his equally orange pants. I didn't even see Kakashi-sensei's reaction… I couldn't look at his face right now.
This was all getting to be too much.
It's like my life is repeating itself out of order, showing me how everything would've happened if Kakashi-sensei and I neve-… if we'd always been like this.
It's like someone's just trying to kill me or something.
I finally found my focus again when I heard Sai's clear voice and suddenly felt a little angry.
Why couldn't he just mind his own business?
Just when I…
Just when I had finally let things go a little bit…
I sighed as the conversation went on around me, it was like the words were the cage I was trapped in as the only person who felt as if history was repeating itself wrongly.
"I had thought since you have a particular passion for the series and you have no memory of the first time we went to see this, it might serve as a way to refresh your memories." Sai explained eloquently.
I still kind of wanted to slap him.
And I still didn't look at Kakashi-sensei. I didn't need a reminder of how cute he was the first time Naruto presented him those tickets, practically drooling over them as if they were gold.
I'd only fall in love with him all over again if I let myself relive those kinds of moments.
"Thanks. I'm surprised you got tickets." His voice.
The way it sounded.
"Yeah, they're obsessed with it over there, they're still airing it every weekend. Sai did the tracking down though." Naruto answered back conversationally.
I willed my eyes to look up from the floor as the three continued talking a little about when the movie started and everything.
His voice.
It didn't sound… cute or happy.
My eyes finally found his face.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
The orange tickets were flung in front of him excitedly.
It only took him a nanosecond to recognize that shade of orange and the red bubble characters on them that he had long ago memorized.
They were movie tickets to the film adaption of his all-time favorite love novel.
For a moment he felt like snatching the tickets out of the kid's hand to make sure they were real, to grovel over them as he knew the fanboy in himself wanted to.
But he didn't.
Not that he stopped himself. He just didn't feel like it.
Instead he smiled under his mask and let whatever poor excuse for excitement he was feeling show on his face.
In all reality nothing right now seemed… real to him. Not since he opened that door.
Even those heavenly tickets didn't wake him up from whatever this feeling was.
The only thing that seemed to poke through his numbness to reality right now was his will to keep his eyes off of her.
Her presence was the only thing that he could really focus on, and is the one thing he shouldn't.
Standing there, even just hearing her breathing from all these feet away.
It was torture…
… keeping himself from looking at her.
… trying not to think about her as he had before.
… even being afraid to simply acknowledge her presence.
It was torture knowing that whatever he was feeling for her was a hell of a lot stronger than he thought it was. It was torture knowing that this wasn't going to be easy to ignore. It was torture to know that he could become such a man, a teacher, a captain, that would fall into this horrible taboo.
…
Everything felt as if it was flipped upside down right now but…
He couldn't help but feel as if things were just about to turn upside right, too.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
The teacher sighed as he stared out the window, absent-mindedly supervising his students as they enjoyed their recess. Even though he knew he should pay attention to any fighting or bullying, he found himself distracted by what had happened that morning.
The mothers and fathers had walked their children to the school just as normally as any other day, but when he had greeted them… most of them seemed… rude.
Of course some parents, the leaders of clans or famous nin of the village, have a cold or austere disposition that he respected despite the way their attitude seemed to be alienating their children from themselves. But he hadn't really been… picked on… like this by them before.
The way they looked at him during the few minutes of passing period before class was about to start and the parents were supposed to leave… like he was… something to look down upon.
The way some of them simply turned around when he had tried to approach them with good news of their child's grades. The way he could even hear the mothers whispering to each other and looking at him.
Iruka-sensei had known bullying in his younger years and knew how to deal with it… but to be bullied by full grown adults, ignored and sneered at, he couldn't help but feel a little wounded.
They had always treated him politely before, even when he had to give their child a failing grade on a test… so…
What had he done wrong?
He stared out the window, not touching his lunch, resting his chin on the heel of his hand, lost in thought.
Had he said something wrong that the children repeated back to their parents?
No, he didn't remember anything like that.
Had he shown favoritism for any one of his students?
No, he always made sure he gave even the quietest kids the attention they needed.
What else could he have done wrong to cause the parents to treat him so coldly?
He sighed quietly to himself right before he heard footsteps from behind him.
"What's wrong, Dolphin?" Iruka nearly cringed at his nickname, already feeling sensitive to bullying, but he knew that his colleague, Kuroke, probably didn't mean to sound taunting.
Kuroke walked around and sat next to the troubled teacher, looking as smug as any other day, his short black hair ruffled on his head messily. "The kids got you down?" He asked that usual question among teachers. Kids did have a tendency to wear them out… Kuroke couldn't really remember a time when Iruka had gone through that, though…
"No…" Iruka responded slowly, still looking out the window, still feeling a little… troubled. "It's the parent actually…" He admitted, trying not to be childish about this. "This morning they… seemed to have a problem with me…." He tried not to sound as disturbed as that made him feel.
Kuroke picked up on it anyways, smirking a little.
A moment of quiet passed as they both stared out the window, the kids laughed and yelled from a story down.
Kuroke turned away from the window.
"Word really does travel fast." He smiled to himself.
"What?" Iruka asked up, confused. Kuroke just stood back up and started walking away.
"It's nothing to worry about. It'll help you in the end." He smiled over his shoulder before leaving the room.
Iruka was just more confused than before….
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
I shuffled down the dark aisle, dangerously close to feeling awkward. Instead, I still felt like this was some sort of sick game someone was playing with my life.
But I didn't care enough to think about how I got here or who was responsible for this when I was too busy caring about the fact that he… that Kakashi-sensei… had been acting kind of weird.
He hadn't said anything to me the whole way to Bankuro village, he hadn't even looked at me.
He still hasn't even said 'hello'…
I know I shouldn't feel insulted.
I shouldn't feel a little… hurt.
But I still had to get used to all this.
I had to get used to the fact that I wasn't the only thing on his mind.
I had to get used to the fact that I was nowhere near as important to him than I used to.
…
God, this really isn't helping me.
I warned myself after I realized these thoughts were actually hurting a little.
I cleared my throat silently trying to pay more attention to the seat numbers. I had no idea why they still assigned the seats in this theatre when there were really only like ten people here. This movie wasn't as popular as it had been a few months ago.
And then in a quick flurry I heard Naruto pipe up, "Found 'em!". He pointed at the seats in front of him. We all filed down the little aisle quietly… I noticed Kakashi-sensei waited especially for Sai to walk between me and him.
Again, I found myself a little insulted… offended, really.
But then the silent, almost somber, mood was suddenly mixed up when Naruto ran down the aisle, too, still hyper.
"Sakura-chan!" he called to me, I smiled back at him, hoping that acting normal would make things normal. He gave me a funny look, I had almost forgotten that smiling wasn't exactly 'normal', was it? He ignored the weird moment and spoke up again, "Sit next to me." He ordered childishly, collapsing in a seat and patting the one next to him. The one he wanted me to sit on was the last seat assigned to us… meaning no one would be sitting to my right.
I controlled something of an instinctual glance towards the silver-haired man standing a few feet away from me, who was busy adjusting his forehead protector.
Yeah…
He wouldn't care this time if I just sat with Naruto…
…
Of course.
…
I nodded with a tiny smile that felt a little sad to me, walking over to the seat slowly, only to be intercepted.
"Actually," The soft voice interrupted, "I want to sit here."
We all just stared at Sai for a moment as he stood in front of the seat next to Naruto.
"Wh-WHY?" Naruto didn't seem happy with the way that sounded.
Sai turned to the blond boy, "I can't see from there." Sai pointed to the other seat, between Naruto and Kakashi-sensei's, which was only a few feet difference from the one Sai was fighting for.
"What the hell?" Naruto asked under his breath.
"It will also serve better to refresh Kakashi-san's memory if we sat exactly like before." Sai seemed to pull that sentence out of nowhere, as if it was an excuse he just thought of.
Sai promptly sat down without further discussion, Naruto turned to him with a angry-pout and quietly demanded more answers, definitely suspicious about something.
He was right to be suspicious.
I ignored the boys when I looked over to Kakashi-sensei who had already sat down while we were discussing the viewing vantage points from the different seats.
Again, he wasn't looking at me.
He wasn't looking anywhere, really.
He seemed to be just staring into space toward his left while I was standing stupidly by his right.
I suddenly felt like I was unwelcome to that seat.
That kind of pissed me off.
I sat down quickly, my arms crossing apathetically as I did. I also crossed my legs. He didn't even seem to acknowledge my existence. There wasn't a word or a glance from him for the next ten minutes I spent half-assedly exchanging small talk with Naruto before the lights went down and the reel started.
This was starting to piss me off.
I know I shouldn't be upset. This is what I wanted.
This is the way everything should be.
But still…
… The fact he could just…
He could just ignore me.
…
I should be sad, not pissed.
But I was tired of being sad, I was tired of trying to hold back tears and being hurt… and this felt like one of the last straws the camel back of my emotions could handle.
But I knew I couldn't do anything anyways.
What I felt right now didn't matter.
I just had to sit here through a movie and deal with this.
I can do that.
I've already seen this movie, even if it was deeply embarrassing the first time.
Sitting next to him had been weird.
But since I've gone through this before, I can go through it again easily, right?
…
I realized how wrong I was about a half hour into the movie when that infamous scene started up.
"Afuuu~~…. I looove bath houses." A sultry voice whispered on screen.…
Bath houses.
God, how I hate them now.
…
I was distracted from my hateful thoughts about bath houses when the two main characters started up the sex scene in the hot spring, kissing under the water.
It was supposed to be romantic, but it looked stupid.
That's unrealistic.
I complained mentally, recalling on personal experience for a moment.
…
…
'personal experience'
…
Oh, GOD.
That's right.
…
I knew what it felt like to…
How warm the water felt… how lips felt warmer…
…
With this man sitting next to me.
… But he doesn't remember.
…
I suddenly slouched in my seat, cringing.
Really funny, Universe.
I grumbled mentally before losing even the energy to even be sarcastic about this situation:
This is too much.
Really.
I don't think I can handle sitting here any longer.
The characters on screen moaned some more, making me remember how embarrassing it always was whenever he had made me moan… how strangely intriguing it was whenever I had made him…
JEEZ… I had only been slightly uncomfortable before, but now…
When the movie started I thought that since this would be my second time seeing it, and since I'd gotten used to romance over the past few months, I would be able to handle it…. But now…. now that I could see and remember everything this man sitting next to me and I had done.…
It just made me so much more uncomfortable than I thought was possible.
…
God, if he knew.
If he wasn't Kakashi-sensei, if he was still just Kakashi… what would be going through his head?
I took a moment to think through the answer seriously, half-ignoring the couple on screen.
He'd probably be messing with me, trying to make me feel uncomfortable or something like that.
He'd probably even risk holding my hand or something.
I nearly smiled at the thought.
I never thought I'd miss his infuriatingly irresponsible 'fun' side.
...
But I guess I missed everything about him, didn't I?
…
Enough of that.
There's no point in thinking about 'what ifs'… they only hurt.
He's Kakashi-sensei again… not Kakashi.
I should just care about who he is now and how to get his memories back.
…
My limbs suddenly went cold, despite the steamy scene on screen, when I remembered Naruto's words, 'This is a sure kill way to help Kakashi-sensei get some of his memories back!'
Naruto might have meant that this would help Kakashi remember something about his life during the time he saw this movie for the first time… but… with this Bath House scene I was suddenly deathly afraid he'd remember something else.
…
I mean, I should be hoping he gets his memories back.
I should be rejoicing at the chance of him remembering anything about me.
…
But our days at the onsen weren't exactly my proudest.
And if he remembered what happened between us in our own hot spring, that would be so entirely embarrassing that I wouldn't know how to handle anything anymore.
How could I explain that to him?
How would he react?
… If he was so guilty at the time, even after all that we'd been through, I could barely imagine how much he'd hate himself if it was the first thing he remembered about us…
Worry building up in me, I tried to relax my face which had been frozen in thought, only to grimace to myself. I hated it when he thought so badly of himself.
It would probably be best if he didn't get back any memories right now, knowing what they would probably be about… but still…
…I wanted to know what he was thinking.
I wanted to know what was going through his head.
I wanted to know whether this seemed familiar to him at all.
… But I didn't at the same time.
Despite my indecisive wants my eyes still slowly shifted to my left. I just wanted to see his face. Maybe I could read his thoughts through his expression.
...
Again, with a wave of uncomfortable nostalgia I tried to peek out of the left corner of my eye as discreetly as possible.
My eyes found his face.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
…
…
…
…
Horrible ending, I know.
This was originally supposed to end much later, but I felt like it's been too long since I updated, so I wanted to give you guys something.
…
…
…
The next chapter should be out very soon!
But, at the risk of sounding a little greedy for once, if I were to get a lot of reviews demanding the next chapter 'now', I could even finish and upload it by tomorrow!