Chapter 73!
Title:'What Aren't You Telling Me? : Part 1'
NOTE:
Sorry for the horribly horribly long wait.
Over a month!
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As soon as I got my inspiration back I had to study for finals… but its Christmas Break now! Yay!
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Oh, and though this is a 'part 1'… there isn't a 'part 2' yet, but these upcoming chapters just need that title, so I wanted to share it with them.
Hope you enjoy the chapter!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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He hadn't expected that word.
…
"Yes."
…
It was such a short answer.
It seemed impossible for one word to be able to confirm all his questions, all his doubts… but it did.
He felt, for an instant, something in him, something cruel and brutal curl his fist and set a hungry fire in his chest that he knew could only be fed if he let himself step a few paces and force his fist through the air and against this man's face.
But he couldn't move.
He couldn't really think.
The only thoughts that were clear enough to run through his mind several times were:
This really has nothing to do with me.
What am I doing here?
…
I can't do anything.
…
They're actually…
Iruka… and Sakura…
His brows twitched with that thought.
The fire in his chest had grown heavy and blurred, but remained blistering.
Something inside of him was weighing the fire down, pressing it against his organs, sizzling away at his center. For only moment he wanted to lean into the pain, to forget himself and give into it, to deny this man's answer, to punch him, anything…. But he didn't. He couldn't. He hadn't given into pain so selfishly in years and he wasn't going to fall back into that habit now of all times, of all reasons, when he knew it were only his own idiotic feelings that were to blame for this.
He had no right to feel anything about this situation.
It had nothing to do with him.
He shouldn't have had any opinion about this.
But still…
He didn't want to be here anymore… he didn't want to talk to this man… to hear or look at this man… this man who could visit Sakura whenever he wanted.
Touch her whenever he wanted.
Kiss her…
Hold her…
Feel her…
The weight of the fire in his chest grew heavier.
Finally remembering himself, Kakashi said the one word he could build up the strength to say as he started slowly turning away, "… Alright…"
…
As he turned his back to this conversation so soon after starting it he felt like he was backing down from a fight. He hated it.
But this wasn't a fight…
Iruka had already won.
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"Yes." He lied.
He could suddenly feel the anxiety and worry sink back in, filling him with dread and sudden regret. It was as if even his body was trying to tell him that he had gone too far… that his short run with courage had done too much.
He tried to calm his insides down from their panicked state.
I know what I'm doing.
I know what I'm doing.
I know what I'm doing.
He told his stomach and heart, as well as himself, trying to find that strange, brave, numbness he had felt before he had said that single, destructive word.
But just as the moonlight managed to find its way on Kakashi's masked face all of Iruka's hard-earned courage disintegrated.
He suddenly felt that he needed take his answer back.
But he didn't say anything.
His body was too much in control to let him open his mouth again, his jaw was so tense with nerves.
It was as if his body was now just telling him to shut up: having learned its lesson from the last time it let him talk.
It was hard to deal with the damage of that word when he saw how thoroughly it had disturbed the expression of the man standing in front of him. Kakashi had never been one to portray emotions willingly, so any disturbance in his features at all must've meant that that single word had dealt a powerful blow.
His only visible eye barely widened, the rest of his features set in stone. The silver-haired man lost even that small look of surprise before he finally moved, betraying the physics of stone as his face changed expressions carefully.
And just as his features relaxed into something of a bored look, he said his own word, "… Alright…."
He started to turn around. As if he had accepted defeat.
Iruka couldn't really adjust to that moment.
He thought Kakashi would get angrier, or even punch him, that he would storm into an argument or a fight… not this.
The last thing he expected was for this man to simply walk away…. Like this….
Why would he just walk away?
Didn't he love her?
Wasn't he the man who was willing to put his whole life and career on the line for her?
How can he just leave things like this!
The Academy teacher felt his internal frustration start to pick up again with every new thought. He knew he was the one Kakashi should've been angry at instead of him getting angry at Kakashi, but nothing seemed to be going right anyways. He just couldn't understand what kind of man would risk so much for the love of that girl but would throw it away without a fight so easily like that.
If Iruka had been in his place, he would have never backed down.
Well…
… He had been in Kakashi's place, though… or somewhere much like it… and he did back down…
But this was 'Hatake Kakashi'…
That wasn't the way this was supposed to happen…
He wasn't supposed to just give up like this!
But despite the scarred man's inner-rant the other didn't make any attempt to turn around.
Iruka stammered on the spot a little, his feet unsure of where or how to stand for a moment before he spoke up.
He really couldn't leave it at this.
Iruka forced himself to at least act confident right now.
He needed it for what he was going to say next.
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"You're jealous." The man's voice rang out behind Kakashi.
Kakashi stopped in his tracks.
His left foot slowly rejoined the side of his right calmly.
Nothing inside of him was calm, though.
His heart was beating fast, his chest still burned and heaved with the phantom weight tugging him towards the ground, his mind reeled on the spot with those two words. That single accusation was enough to tear down his barriers, to strike fear of discovery as well as anger in him, but it wasn't enough to make him slip up.
He took only a second longer to settle into his bored look again before turning around.
"Why would I be jealous?... She's my student. I don't care for her the way you do."He asked coldly. He never knew how convincing an actor he was until that moment, with any less talent for lying he wouldn't have been able to finish that last sentence.
He gave the man across from him a testing glare.
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He knew Iruka was a quiet, gentle man, but he never thought him a bragger.
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Even if Iruka had somehow picked up on some sort of hint of inappropriate affection from him towards Sakura, he never thought Iruka would gloat over his victory of her feelings like this.
The idea was enough to let Kakashi seriously think about actually punching him.
"You love her." The other teacher picked up his voice with uncharacteristic confidence.
That punch seemed like a better choice than ever.
The scarred man had summarized Kakashi's feelings in the three words he had never hoped to say or hear for fear they would seal him into their unforgivable nature and yet that man had said those words so easily.
"Don't say ridiculous things." Were the only words he could manage with a civil tongue. He was about ready to turn around, to leave the winner of that girl's affections to himself before he could lose control actually hit him. The last thing he needed to do was to bludgeon the man she loved… that would scare her even farther away from him.
The reminder of just how distant he and Sakura were was painful, but he didn't let himself feel it as he took a step to turn away.
The Academy teacher didn't stay quiet, though:
"You're the one acting ridiculous." He nearly yelled, catching Kakashi's begrudging attention. "You think I can't tell how angry you are?" He said with something like anxious, childish, anger. "You think I can't tell how the thought of me and that girl together is probably enough to boil your blood?"
No… it wasn't enough to just boil his blood.
The idea, the thought, the image of that man kissing her, holding her, even touching her was enough to make him feel as if his entire body were submerged in a vat of hot oil.
His skin crawled and his muscles ached to force some sort of damage onto him, but he didn't do anything about it, he was closer to hitting himself if it meant he could free his mind of these juvenile thoughts.
"Umino." He called the last name of the man harshly to try and shut him up. He could see the teacher flinch a little, his unusual resolve wavering for only a second. Kakashi took a breath, trying to calm down and forget his anger… his pain… to remember why he came here in the first place…
He did.
His mind cleared momentarily.
"I just don't want you to hurt her." Kakashi spoke up after a moment, satisfied with his own answer. He had no way of predicting Umino's.
"Like you did?"
A moment passed.
'Like I did'?
... He paused for a moment longer.
I hurt her?
Something suddenly pulled at his stomach with worry… as if he had actually done something to hurt her… but…. He couldn't remember…
"What?" He asked slowly.
"Don't you remember?" Iruka didn't seem to back down from his angry confidence even now, it seemed stronger than before. "We've had this conversation before. Twice."
'Remember'?
Kakashi felt his worry set in deeper…. What exactly had happened in the time he forgot?
What had he done?
"What are you talking about?" He asked for himself quickly, losing some of his hostility.
The Academy teacher only shuffled on the spot awkwardly, as if he was getting more upset by Kakashi's naiveté. He sighed with frustration before lowering his voice seriously.
"Everything you want to know. Everything you're missing. All you need to do is look at that girl instead of pushing her away." He said harshly before turning around; finally ready to leave this conversation just when Kakashi wasn't.
'That girl'?
Sakura?
'Push her away'?
How did he know…?
He needed answers. He took a step forward, "What do you mean?" He called after the man.
"Figure it out for yourself." He answered over his shoulder before turning the corner and walking out of sight.
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The sandy street under Iruka's shoes crunched in a fast chorus as he practically stomped towards his apartment.
None of that conversation had gone as he had wanted it.
He thought he could've talked with Kakashi as an equal, to get his point across like a civilized man, but in the end he just turned a kid.
He said only what he wanted without thinking and couldn't help but be mean… this had been a delicate issue that he should've treated with care, he should've actually talked to Kakashi about how to get closer to Sakura – for the sake of her happiness- but instead he probably just split them farther apart!
He didn't know why he would act like that, but he really didn't want to think about it… not when he knew he had just made a mess of this situation.
He sighed to himself with a sad and tired tone as he turned another corner. He looked up to the moon just in time for a few raindrops to splash on his forehead. He wiped them off and looked down at his feet, disappointment still clear on his face. He closed his eyes slowly, knowing the way home by heart.
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He would have to fix this somehow.
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Before Sakura finds out.
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He took a detour.
He needed to think…
There were so many thoughts coursing through his sore brain that he couldn't keep them straight. He would've thought that after being emptied of months' worth of memories he would've felt a little clear-headed, but everything just felt more crowded than normal.
It was like everything, all his thoughts and doubts, couldn't be organized… as if the shelves they belonged in were misplaced. The clutter was building up in his mind so fast he felt as if he would drown in confusion.
He walked down the tori path to his favorite bridge with less serenity than any man who had taken the time to walk down this path before him. His head ached with dull pain, he winced as it suddenly got a little worse but he didn't pay any attention to it.
He needed to think through all this.
About Sakura.
About Iruka.
About what they had.
His place between them, as her former teacher and captain, as her friend…
He can't be there for her the way he wants to be, the way Iruka is… she's probably too apprehensive of him to even let him any closer to her.
He grimaced.
But why?...
She has been acting strangely around him… ever since that morning at the hospital. Every time he looks at her, every time he barely touches her, she… the look she gives him. It's no different from any other casual expression, but… she always looks… scared… but prepared. As if he's about to do something to hurt her.
As if she's expecting him to hurt her.
Again worry pull at him when he remembered Iruka's words, 'Like you did?'…
What did I do?
Had I done anything to her?
What did I do to her?
I know I did something… I can feel it…
I've done something to hurt her….
What did I do?
What did I do?
His headache was getting worse. His eyes cringed shut as his fingers rubbed from his right temple to the center of his forehead.
He hadn't noticed why his left was too busy to massage the other side of the headache away. He had been holding the small jade pendant of his necklace between his fingers alternatively, messing with it as if it were a healing stone.
What could I have done?
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Sakura isn't a little girl anymore…
She's more than capable of taking care of herself.
I've seen her level walls with a single punch, she wouldn't have let me harm her… but I wouldn't attack her anyways.
His pace slowed, the orange posts and their moonlit shadows moving past him even slower than before now.
If I hadn't physically harmed her then I….
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His stomach went cold with that new thought. He hadn't even noticed the rain when it started falling, the little patters of raindrops on the shoulders of his vest grew louder by the second but he couldn't hear anything except his thoughts right now.
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I didn't… I didn't do anything about my feelings for her, did I?
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He knew he had had these affections for her before he woke up in the hospital earlier that week… but… he wouldn't have actually acted on them, had he?…
That didn't sound like him.
But he couldn't help but doubt himself as evidence piled itself in his mind.
The way she was almost scared of his touch.
The way she distanced herself from him.
The role he had her play in the last mission… his 'fiancée'…
But just before he could give his doubts any more attention he felt something. Something in him, his mind, telling him he was wrong.
That's not it.
… Something else.
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It was a strange feeling, it was like déjà vu… like he knew something he didn't know he could know. It was an insane sensation, to simply know things without knowing, he hadn't listened to that feeling so clearly as now…
He walked even slower. He kept his eyes closed, as if he could see inside his foggy mind clearer without the outside world distracting him.
What happened?
What could I have done?
He focused his thoughts seriously, asking himself for another sign. His mind quickly travelled to Iruka's words:
'Everything you want to know. Everything you're missing. All you need to do is look at that girl instead of pushing her away.'
The stone in his hand grew warmer by the second, shielded from the cold and wet by the flesh of his hand. He held onto it for no conscious reason, he was too deep in thought, but he wouldn't let go.
Sakura…
The way the rain fell on his face, dripping passed his forehead into his eyes, it was so familiar. Like a far-off memory.
Something important.
Very important… to him.
He closed his eyes, sinking into that feeling, unsure of what else there could have been to it.
As the water ran timidly down his masked face, down the bridge of his nose, along his cheeks, over his lips, he could feel a sense of nostalgia sink in.
He felt lips on his own.
Before he could open his eyes to check if his mind was playing tricks on his nerves he was interrupted by something else. Pain bright as steel pierced his mind with a searing hot sensation. His knees were submerged in puddles less than a moment later. His eyes were screwed shut, not out of pain, but because of something else. Something he couldn't explain. He didn't want to, he couldn't, all he knew in this moment were the sudden images in his mind, the strange feelings his nerves showed him.
He knew he was in the middle of an abandoned street, in the rain, hunched towards the ground, but he felt like he was in a hundred different places at once, in a single moment of time that was thousands all at once, he could feel a thousand different sensations he knew were impossible. He couldn't possibly know them. But he did.
Her lips.
Her hands.
Her fingers.
Her hair.
Her skin.
Her breath.
He could see hundreds of different sights, each only living in the moments between the raindrops falling on his back.
He could see her face.
Her smile.
Her eyes.
Everything about her in hundreds of different ways he had never known he could see before.
His body and eyes could remember holding her, kissing her, feeling her in so many different ways he couldn't explain.
His heart was beating too fast, he couldn't control his breathing; it was like he was being thrown out of time and reason, as if days were running through him in this single minute.
He could hear her voice, but he couldn't make sense out of any of it. Her voice was like a single tone, a single note continuously playing in his head and ears. The harder he tried to focus on her voice the more impossible it was to decipher her words. Another voice joined in the mayhem inside his head, he recognized it immediately as the man he had just finished talking to. He couldn't understand but it looked like the talk they just had.
"You can't mess around with her!"
"Do you really love her?" His words echoed through him.
His heart grew heavier, it's aching ringing out above the pain in his head with those words… he remembered them, he remembered the anxiety, the desperation, he felt when he heard them… but before he could focus on that moment any longer he felt it.
Another sharp stab of pain, more powerful than the one before, it was as if a hot poker was being pressed into his head mercilessly. He reeled forward in the pain, his hands slamming into the puddles of mud beneath him, he could feel the jade pendant rip off the cord with the force. Another hot poker of pain slid along the side of his temple, he cried out in pain before even his scream was drowned out by his own voice in his head:
"They say that if you give someone one of the stones that have never touched the ground since they were carried up by the northern winds…
He could see her face in his mind again. She was smiling up at him in a way he hadn't remembered ever seeing in real life but could recognize it in only a moment. His voice rang through his head again. "…that no matter how far or how long the two of you are separated…. they'll never forget you."
And then he recognized the sweetness in her voice before he could even hear it in his head. A flash of a jade green rock in her hands ran through his brain, "I-If anything happens… I don't want to be the only one who never forgets."
And that was when everything shifted.
Everything slowed down.
The feelings, the images, her warmth, left him.
He couldn't see her anymore, except in the fuzzy memories of the images that had just spun past the inside of his eyelids. Her smile and her eyes… he could barely remember what they looked like when they were looking up at him with so much… admiration, but he remembered how it made him feel very clearly.
He opened his eyes hesitantly, letting the cold world back into his senses… the moment they focused on the dark water only inches beneath his bowed face he realized he hadn't taken a breath in too long. He gasped for air. His hands planted further into the watery mud for balance. His head felt heavy and pain still wrung through his whole body making him shiver wildly with the cold of the rain and the searing fire burning into the core of his heart and head….
But it wasn't the kind of pain he thought it was.
It had felt like his torso and limbs had been compressed in a vise for hours and were then stretched beyond what was humanly possible till they felt so loose and tired that he didn't know how to will them to move anymore.
But none of that had happened.
It wasn't real pain.
And yet, it felt more real than any pain he'd known from any battle.
What he was feeling now, as he sat hunched over the watery mud, panting for more icy air to sting his throat on the way to his lungs, was more real than anything he remembered feeling before.
Even now, before he could fully recognize what just happened to him, before he could form a single coherent thought from within his cocoon of confusion and pain, some part of him knew what this meant… some part of him knew how he could know the feel of her skin, the feel of her lips so well… Some part of him now knew why he could recognize the affection in her eyes and smile and touch. And now that he knew… now that the memory of her love had burned itself back into him… he felt like he was weighted to the ground. He couldn't stand or even try. The weight of this moment, of these feelings he hadn't known he could feel until this moment: the happiness, the pain, the confusion, the ache, the desire, the joy, the thirst, the need… it was all too much. He felt like his body would be crushed under these feelings, but he loved it. He would've smiled and laughed at himself if he hadn't had felt as if tears were about to well over from his mismatched eyes and become just a few more raindrops in the darkness.
Sakura…
He couldn't form any other thought.
Sakura…
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Sakura…
…
His mind cleared after a few moments, he could breathe again… he could think again… and the moment he could he wished he hadn't because it was then that he felt all the previous happiness bury itself away from him. His face contorted with the pain. He had realized in that moment why his body felt like this… he knew what these images, what these feelings meant. They weren't hallucinations or delusions or fantasies… they never were.
They were real.
They were real.
He and Sakura…
They had…
They were….
He didn't want to let himself believe it, but he knew… it didn't matter what he wanted.
What he wanted didn't mean anything.
If it did then he wouldn't feel this pain right now… if it did then his heart wouldn't feel as if it was pumping itself dry right now… if it did then his breathing wouldn't be catching in his throat in such short gasps that sounded so dangerously close to sobs right now…
If what he wanted had meant anything, this wouldn't have been the way he…
This wouldn't have been the way he figured out….
She wouldn't have kept this from him….
He had no idea what she was keeping from him… he couldn't remember everything, but he knew enough…. He knew Sakura and him had been together once… many times.
And now he knew that she was keeping it a secret from him….
He writhed on the spot for a moment, attempting to get up. He couldn't. He groaned with the pain as he tiredly bowed his head toward the ground. The raindrops splashing the puddles sprayed his pained face.
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Sakura…
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What aren't you telling me?
Why?
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Why couldn't you tell me?
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Why couldn't you trust me?
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Did I hurt you?
Were you scared?
Or…
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Did you fall in love with him instead?
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For the first time in years, as he crouched in the rain, muddled with confusion and torture, he let the pain sink in and take hold.
The rain grew stronger.
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I would like to thank ALL OF YOU for your wonderful reviews!
And to let you know we've reached OVER 110,00 HITS!
Now I don't know if that's good compared to other fanfics of this length, but that's a big number and it makes me happy, haha!
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Well, now that it's Christmas Break I'll definitely have more free time to write!
The next chapter should be out relatively soon!