Chapter 74!
Title:'What Aren't You Telling Me? : Part 2'
NOTE:
OK…. This was a horribly delayed, wasn't it?
I am so sorry to those who were really looking forward to the next chapter and got impatient…. And also, I tried to look you up Amber, but there are lots of duplicate profiles for your name on Facebook,
sorry. :[
But I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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I straightened my hair in the mirror, leaning in slightly. I patted down the sides of my head and ran my fingers through the pink strands framing my face.
I hadn't notice I was smiling until my cheeks started aching.
I stopped for a moment, looking at myself in the mirror quizzically, before smiling again. I laughed a few breaths. I had gotten too used to not smiling these past couple days that it seemed strange to actually see my own reflection smile, but completely natural at the same time.
I felt like smiling.
I wanted to smile.
And I knew I had a reason for it too, but… I couldn't think of it right away.
I looked away from the mirror, already knowing what I was going to look at: a slightly rumpled square of dark fabric lying innocently on my bed.
I stared at it for a moment before telling myself it was okay to go over and pick it up.
I knew I should have felt comfortable, sitting on my own bed pensively placing the forest-scented shirt on my lap, but I still felt a little tense, as if he could see me, as if just because his shirt was here he was here too. I wondered if I should wash it. I looked over to Warble; his little lit face told me it was too late for that. The shirt would still be wet by the time I had to leave to meet him.
My stomach bubbled for a moment when I realized I would see him soon.
Quiet drifted through my room, only interrupted by the birds and the people outside, as I sat staring at the fabric in my lap a little while longer.
I didn't feel like smiling anymore.
It was strange; how it made me feel.
Self-conscious, happy, anxious, confused, nervous.
I shouldn't be surprised.
That's how I felt about him right now.
I sighed, interrupting the quiet.
I miss him, and after the way he talked to me last night…. His voice.… After that… I feel like I'm getting too close to breaking a promise to myself. To let him have the simple, peaceful, safer life he had before… us….
That thought alone made me rocket backward, the back of my head bounced onto the mattress with force. I stared up at the ceiling without really looking, my arms spread lazily around my head.
I didn't want to think about this anymore.
I rolled onto my side, feeling lazy, wondering if I could go do some shopping for mom or do some chores or something to get all this out of my head for at least five minutes, but I was distracted from that thought.
Chalk and books and wooden desks.
That scent still lingered on the sheets beneath me.
My smile immediately came back when I remembered last night.
The sound of our laughter.
The feel of his hands.
Soft and warm and familiar.
But I couldn't focus on that after I heard my mom's voice, "Sakura! Are you up yet?"
I hadn't realized till then that I hadn't seen mom or dad all morning. Feeling even lazier because of that I got up, put the square of fabric on my desk, and answered mom on the way down the stairs, "Yeah, sorry, just getting ready."
She was tidying up the front room while I made my way to the front door, deciding I should take a distracting walk or something, until:
"Oh, Sakura." mom started, "Your friends, Sai, came by a few seconds ago, I told him you'd be up later, but you might catch up to him if it's important."
"Sai?" I asked, my mind still stuck on that 'your friend' part. I probably would've denied that a week ago, but… he's been nice to me recently. He seems to understand people a bit better.
"Yes, he said he wanted to talk to you about your team captain or something. He didn't make a lot of sense, he's a very strange boy."
I froze on the spot.
I take back that whole 'understands-people-better' thing.
He obviously doesn't know not to say anything to my parents about Kakashi-sensei.
Then again… if he understood people better be probably wouldn't be so eager to give me boy advice in hopes I can start some sort of relationship with our team captain.
"O-oh, ok…" was all I could respond with. I said the sounds blankly as I started hurrying out the door.
"Sakura!"
I stepped backward into the doorway again when mom called, already impatient to either hear what Sai had to say or to pummel him for mentioning Kakashi in front of my mom.
"You and that boy aren't thinking about becoming an item, are you?"
I double-took.
"NO." I said very bluntly with a little, but obvious, kick. It wasn't that Sai was so bad, but I was seriously getting sick of all these boy problems piling up in my previously practically boyless life so I didn't need my mom to start worrying about the boy problems I actually don't have.
"Alright, alright." She brushed me off, sighing.
I didn't waste any time running out the door and onto the street… but I was surprised when I realized I wouldn't have to track him down.
"Good morning." He waved from a few feet away, smiling that uniform smile.
Either he was a slow walker or he had been waiting for me… I didn't really care; I was too busy caring about something else.
I walked up to him hastily, checking over my shoulder to make sure mom wasn't eavesdropping or anything, she seemed to have taken the hint. I turned back to him, "Sai, what're yo-"
I was a little surprised when he interrupted me.
"I came to talk to you about your change in target. I think this new one will be much simpler than Kakashi-sa-"
I had no idea what he was talking about but the moment I heard him say that name I decided to interrupt him with what I needed to talk to him about, "Don't talk to my mom about… about Kakashi." Instinctually I had to pause to lower my voice when I got close to saying his name.
Sai's smiled grew weaker for a moment; he blinked at me… like he was confused.
"I assumed it was alright, considering the news going around." He said plainly.
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"What 'news'?"
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It's ok.
It's ok.
It's ok.
He kept telling himself as he sat on the bench, listening to the kids run around laughing during the break –having given them a day off from their usual marching exercises- running his fingertips across his brow stressfully.
That morning hadn't been the best.
The parents of his students are starting to get even colder, some of them even telling his students to make sure and stay at least five feet away from him at all times.
He would have been able to handle this any other day… any other day that hadn't been followed by a night where he wrongfully professed to being romantically involved with an ex-student.
But…
He was starting to feel as if he deserved the way the parents looked at him, the way the kids avoided him out of confused obligation, or the way the troublemakers were starting to act up in class every few minutes now.
It's ok.
It's ok.
He didn't know if it really was, but it made him feel better to tell himself that.
"Iruka-senseeeii~!" He recognized the little voice of one of his most well-behaved students, Kiriko.
He moved his hands away from his face and smiled tiredly as she ran up to him, trying not to let any of his students know just how troubled he was.
He actually hoped the little girl would say there was a fight somewhere he could break up just so that he could gain back some control and respect from his increasingly distant class.
The 8 year old ran up to him, grabbing onto his sleeve the moment he was in reach, his smile almost brightened at that –he always preferred it when the kids treated him like an older brother-, before it faltered altogether when she said what she had to say:
"Tomoya said his mom told him you go out with your students!" She said rather loudly. Iruka could see Kirkio's little girl friends huddled a few feet away looking at him with uncertain curiosity, he also spotted Tomoya watching from even farther away, looking a little wary about being told on.
Iruka stuttered on the spot, but before he could collect his thoughts Kiriko, always inquisitive and somewhat uncouth, spoke up again: "Does that mean you'll go out with me?"
"Ehhhh~?" Her little friends chorused, each of them blushing and giggling a moment later. Some of the boys caught on to the sudden excitement and started picking on the girls.
Just as he was about to stand up and stop all this he felt a tug at the back of his head pull him back down clumsily.
He turned around to look behind him, ignoring the ruckus picking up in front of him, just to catch sight of a few boys running off. He realized only a moment later, when he turned back to Kiriko and her group who were fighting the boys and felt his hair fall to frame his face, that they had done it again. They stole his hair-band and had probably already buried it somewhere, again.
And that was my last one, too.
He lamented to himself before his attention was snapped back to the kids.
"Why would you want to get married to Dolphin-sensei?" He heard a boy in the crowd pipe up, using that rude tone with Iruka's name.
"They're not getting married, they're going out!" A girl shouted back.
"Stop!" He yelled a little harshly, the noise died down a little, some of the kids looked at him, "I'm not getting married to anyone! I am not going out with anyone! Especially not one of my students!"
The kids went quiet for a moment.
"Yeah, but my mom said Kuroke-sensei said you were, too!" Tomoya piped up above the others.
"He was mistaken." Iruka answered more harshly than he intended.
The kids fell silent for a long moment. The boys looked annoyed, the girls still a little flustered.
"I told you he was just a lonely old guy." One of Tomoya's group of friends, Eito, whispered to the others, thinking Iruka couldn't hear him, like a normal adult wouldn't be able to. Iruka had heard it clear enough.
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"That's enough, everyone. Back to class."
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The kids whined and went back into the building first, Iruka pulled his hair out of his face as he followed them in.
It's ok.
It's ok.
It's ok.
It'll be ok.
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He stared at the base of the tile wall in front of him as if he could see through it. The hot water hit his shoulder blades harshly; droplets that didn't spray off of his skin ran down to the floor. His hands were planted on the wall in front of him, one on either side of the shower head.
His body had needed this distracting warmth, but not as much as his mind had.
Even though he had slept in this morning, he still felt as if it had been as eternity since last night.
After finally reaching his apartment he'd thought his mind would have never allowed him to sleep again with all the noise of new/old images and feelings settling into the blank spaces in his brain, but he had almost immediately blacked out when he had collapse on the couch, too worn to reach the bedroom.
He couldn't remember his dreams when he woke up that morning, but he guessed what they were about.
He sighed after wincing a little as he stretched his back into an arch for a moment, he could feel the recently-treated cuts along his skin disagree with the temperature and speed of the water. He didn't really care.
She'll be back today, he reminded himself.
He could feel something like anticipation well in his chest.
Before that moment could survive any longer his hand had fallen forcefully from the wall to the water valve, shutting it off hastily.
He walked out of the shower, quickly wrapping a towel around his waist, as if he could leave behind that feeling as well.
He knew he wouldn't be able to.
After last night… even though he couldn't remember everything, even though he couldn't remember anything but a few feelings and a few images… he was starting to understand more and more clearly that she means more to him than he had ever thought before.
He could feel it.
He missed her.
He and everything about him missed her more than he knew he could.
His arms ached for nothing less than to pull her to him for hours.
But he wouldn't allow that.
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Not with the way things are now.
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Not with what she did.
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"I assumed it was alright, considering the news going around." He said plainly.
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"What 'news'?" 'News' that's 'going around'?
Like rumors?
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… about Kakashi?
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Did somebody find out?
I could feel my heart shrink in fear.
Is everyone finding out now even though it isn't even true anymore?
"About Umino-san." He answered with an obvious tone.
… huh?
"What about Iruka?" I asked genuinely.
Sai didn't say anything, he only blinked again. After a moment Sai's face dropped emotion like a robot trying to reboot or something.
I wondered what was going on in his head.
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"What 'news'?"
The confusion in the tone of her question. It could have been confusion over the generalized statement of 'news', an unspecified subject, but the consistent confusion with the mention of Umino Iruka denotes confusion about the entire subject.
"What 'news?" + "What about Iruka?" = These possibilities:
1 . Overall confusion due to lack of skill in implicative communication.
2 . Stupidity.
3 . This is an act to cover up any inappropriate entanglements with Umino Iruka that would prove recent rumors -'news'- true.
4 . Considering her prevailing anxiety at the mention of Kakashi-san, her tone can denote the possibility that the rumors are false, as "How To Deal With Friends And Their Side Effects" explained in Chapter 16 about how rumors usually are, and she is unaware of the rumors as well as the slight decline of her name in society because of them.
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Number 4 seems most probable.
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Perhaps I should tell her.
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No.
"How To Make Friends And Keep Them, Volume 2: How Not To Be Rude" said, 'Never tell a friend, especially a girl, bad news that someone else can tell her instead.'
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Someone else should tell her.
Recalling "How To Leave A Conversation Politely"
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After a moment of robotically staring at me, as if he was computing some sort of answer to my question, he seemed to come back to life.
"I-uh, I have some work to do right now, but let's talk again soon, Sakura-chan."
At that he turned around and walked off a little too quickly, I would've gone after him but I was a little too caught off guard by that weird sentence –Sakura-'chan'?- to bring myself to go after him.
Something must've been bothering him or something.
I would've helped him, but I had too many problems today, too.
And I only had a few minutes till I had to started walking over to Kakashi's….
Again, my stomach fluttered.
I wondered what he was doing right now.
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He stared at himself in the mirror as his head churned through thoughts industriously.
He wouldn't let himself think about how much he wanted to check the time, how much he wondered what it will be like to see her again knowing what he knows now, remembering everything he's felt of her, for her, before he had forgotten… before she had…
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His expression tensed with pained irritation.
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Some part of him knew he should be thankful for this. He should be happy that now he actually had an obstacle to stop him from feeling like the only thing he wanted to do was invite her into his apartment and keep the blinds closed for the weekend. He shouldn't feel like that not only for reasons he's beat himself over the head with before: because she's only a sixteen year old girl, because she deserves something better than him. Someone better than him…
But because that's what finally happened.
He hadn't been there for her and she found something better.
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This was what was supposed to happen.
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This is the way it should be.
Even if it means he has to silently stifle all of his feelings for her right now.
But…
… beyond his desire for her, there was something else he knew he shouldn't feel.
He can't let himself feel betrayed.
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He can't blame her.
He shouldn't blame her.
It wasn't her fault.
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She thought he had forgotten her.
She found a kinder, gentler man…
She deserves to be happy.
He couldn't offer her that happiness anymore.
She found someone who could.
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But why?
Why Iruka?
Out of anyone… why him?
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His fists clenched on the countertop, he looked away from the mirror.
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Sakura…
If you needed a simpler life, if you needed someone more stable, why him?
Can't you see what people think of you now?
It's what they would've thought about us.
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How is being with him any better?
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He couldn't understand anything. If she was willing to leave him for a man who could only offer her the same social dangers… what had he done so wrong?
What couldn't she handle?
Why couldn't she just wait for him?
Why couldn't she just tell him?
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Why couldn't she trust him?
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Was Iruka really better for her?
Did she trust him more?
Did she care for him more?
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They do have a deeper history… but…
Iruka was never a man who would let this happen.
How could he let himself get into this?
He was trying to break us apart only weeks ago.
Kakashi thought back to one of the more coherent memories he had regained. An argument in a dark street with that man. The same man that had argued with Kakashi to leave Sakura alone because a relationship between them was too dangerous was now the same man visiting her room every night.
That thought struck a chord in him, a moment of frustration left the small mouthwash cup and soap rocketing to the floor after being pushed off angrily.
Only a moment later he sighed at himself. He buried his face in his hands.
He knew he shouldn't feel like this…
But he did.
He couldn't stop this.
He hadn't been able to stop his feelings for Sakura, how could he stop this pain he felt because of her?
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He had lost her, but the moment he got her back, the moment he could remember he once had her… he had already lost her again.
She hadn't waited for him.
She hadn't wanted to.
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He crouched over the sink, his shoulders shaking with frustration.
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She wanted nothing to do with him.
She hadn't told him anything about them.
She didn't like having to be around him.
She didn't like it when he touched her.
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She hadn't wanted him to remember her…
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But he did…
He couldn't help it….
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And now he can't go back.
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Things are too different now to go back to the way things were before all this.
He can't be the teacher and captain she once knew anymore.
She's changed him, better him.
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But he could act like that man again… for a while.
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But not for her….
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He needed to know something.
And he knew how to find it out.
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He heard knocking.
He wasn't surprised, even though she was early; he left the bathroom already pulling on his clothing, somehow completely numb but completely anxious at the same time.
He remembered one of the first lessons he taught Sakura and her teammates, 'a ninja's greatest weapon is deception.'
His mouth turned down a fraction; he had hoped he would never have to lie to her like this… even if she was still lying to him.
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But he needed to figure something out…
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Okay… this time I really will get the next chapter out soon, I give you guys my word.