Chapter 79
Title: 'Was This How It Was Supposed To Happen? Part 2'
Note: Ok… just bear with me you guys… everything has a reason in this story…. Just keep that in mind.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
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"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing."
Just as that sentence of reassurance made me all the more nervous I felt his other hand find my arm, his almost-hot fingers sliding upward along my skin before gently closing around my shoulder, his thumb resting on the strap of my pajama shirt. Goosebumps erupted over my arms as I felt even more confused about what this meant, what it meant to me, and what it should mean.
I felt like I was half-asleep, sinking further and further into a pool of warm water, everything was soft and comfortable, but something about this didn't feel… right. It felt dangerous. As though if I sunk too deep the warm water would turn scalding and burn me up, and if I drifted for too long I'd run out of air and sink further without meaning to.
Just as I was trying to figure out what I felt from the way he was touching me, I fell further into the warmer depths. His hands brought me closer, his fingers in my hair pulled me forward and leaned my face upward. I tried to find reassurance in his words just now, 'Don't worry, I know what I'm doing', but any hope for that was lost when I felt his lips land on the underside of my jaw, glancing downward a few centimeters.
My heart swelled nervously, my stomach acidic, as I found my words, which were only a few. "B-But I don't." I didn't mean to stutter, or to sound so weak, but I didn't feel like it mattered to Iruka-sensei. I didn't care about seeming strong in front of him, I just wanted him to know I didn't understand what he was doing.
He pulled away immediately, almost like he had been waiting for me to say something.
My eyes found his… I couldn't read what he was thinking, but his expression… it almost looked… regretful.
"You will." He answered shortly, his voice apologetic. His voice had always been reassuring, but now… it only confused me further. He leaned forward a little, his forehead resting against mine, "I'm sorry".
Everything about this was confusing me. My heart fell like it was being stretched and squashed at the same time, my body felt like the nerves were wires without insulation and without electricity at the same time. I was calm but completely nervous. He was acting like this, touching me like this, but was apologizing. Nothing made sense. The way his hands felt on me now, once so sure and friendly, were now soft and attentive. The way his arms felt against me was different now, too… I had always thought of his hugs as giving and kind, but his arms felt heavy and warm now.
It almost felt like he was a different man.
But he was still the same man, the same man I had fallen asleep with only a day ago, the same man I had gone to for advice for years, the same man I would memorize textbooks to impress, the same man I had wished would have patted my head a few more times in class, the same man I met the first day of class.
He's the same man who's apologizing to me right now, his lips brushing against mine as he does.
…
So how can he feel so different now?
Now as his hands fall down behind my shoulders, resting on the small of my back, he doesn't feel like the man I knew when I was 9 or 11 or 14…
He had always only been a teacher to me… a man who cared for me as an uncle would a niece.
To feel him this way… he seemed so new to me.
I guess this is the other side to Iruka I had never seen before, the same way Kakashi had a side I hadn't.
… Something in that thought sent up a red flag I hadn't noticed at first.
My insides shook themselves into an uncomfortable jumble when I remembered the only other man in the world whose lips were ever on mine.
Kakashi…
And as if it was only meant to happen in the exact moment I remembered something that made the warm water I was in turn ice cold, Iruka-sensei's lips closed on mine.
…
Iruka-sensei.
The Iruka-sensei I've known more than half of my life.
He's kissing me.
A kiss seemed so foreign to me now.
Our lips didn't move.
So many different emotions washed over me and yet I couldn't recognize one. It was a large swirling mass of uncertainty, pain, comfort, and the pain of being comforted, because in the moment I remembered Kakashi… I also remembered that my relationship with that man didn't exist anymore… that my relationship with this man was the one that has been growing so strongly recently.
When his lips met mine I couldn't immediately think of pulling away.
I couldn't… think of a reason to.
…
Kakashi's left himself out of my personal life. He didn't feel the way I did any longer.
He already 'knew' about the rumors of Iruka-sensei and I.
…
So does half the village.
…
It wouldn't have to be a secret… me and Iruka-sensei.
…
So… maybe… this was… ok….
…
Maybe… this is how it was supposed to happen.
Maybe Kakashi and I were never meant to be… maybe this is the real ending of my story...
With that I woke up from my momentary thoughts… I tried to feel what was happening. His lips on mine, unmoving… almost like he wouldn't do anything until I let him, or almost as if he was as hesitant about this as I was. His hands on my back were almost just as motionless, but I could feel his fingers flexing around bunches of my shirt's fabric, and I had almost forgotten till now that I was wearing the 'stupid' pajama shorts I had such a difficult time deciding on. Now the decision didn't seem to matter that much, except that I wished I was wearing something more conservative now.
But now, thinking about him… this kiss… it's as if he's asking permission.
… he's asking….
... waiting….
…
If this is what he's asking for….
…
If the man I've only ever taken advice, comfort, patience, and time from is actually asking for something in return now. For the first time.
And it's something that no longer belongs to someone else.
It's something that others already expect from us.
… It doesn't matter if I let him, does it?
And I care for Iruka-sensei… being with him doesn't feel bad…. so…. if it means more to him than it does to me right now….
It doesn't matter.
…
Hesitantly, I remembered how to move my lips, how to kiss.
I grew worried for a moment that maybe my way of kissing was wrong or strange since I only knew the opinion of one other man, but I was distracted by any of those worries when I felt Iruka-sensei's lips respond.
I learned quickly that kissing wasn't that different with Iruka-sensei.
He was slow, careful, giving. I only remembered a few kisses like that with Kakashi.
I wondered where Iruka-sensei learned to kiss. I wondered whether or not he realized he was my first kiss besides Kakashi. I wondered if he was thinking about the way I was kissing him and whether I had learned it from Kakashi. I had.
The silence between us was noisy with my thoughts and worries… I needed a way to clear my head.
I let my hands move up a little, one tracing the side of his neck –it seemed thinner than Kakashi's-, the other brushing along the side of his slender jawline and up to the back of his head. I had forgotten about his ponytail, I couldn't work my fingers into his hair the way I would with Kakashi.
But I recognized something familiar.
After my hands had followed their instincts his rhythm picked up, he was breathing harder. I could feel my pace quicken too, oxygen was getting a little difficult to get enough of, but I was distracted from that basic bodily need by the movement of his own hands. They moved up along the length of my back and then down to the small of it, back up and then down, it was a rhythm I had only grown familiar with recently and when I was with Kakashi he'd always know by that rhythm that it was time to stop. Iruka-sensei didn't seem to be slowing down, though.
My heart started to speed up, compensating for the lack of oxygen and in obedience to my anxiety which grew every time his hands rubbed up and down the length of my back, bunching my shirt a little higher, pressing me closer and closer to him so that my chest would brush against his. In some kind of attempt to change this set-up between us I let my fingers find his hair tie. His pace slowed, though I couldn't know why. I worked the tie back and forth gently before his hair loosened. As if actually knowing the reaction I wanted his hands left my back, but planted themselves on the shorts on both my legs. His grip seemed tighter than before as his hands started travelling down and up from my knees to my hips. I remembered Kakashi doing something like this once, but only for a moment before stopping, Iruka-sensei's hands seemed only focused on rolling up the fronts of my shorts. Something about this didn't seem right. I had thought Kakashi would have gone this fast, I thought Kakashi would have done these kinds of things… but Iruka-sensei…
The man that would blush and stutter at the mention of only kissing… the man that could never look me in the eye after he saw Kakashi and I together… the man that fumbled when people made fun of his lack of a girlfriend.
I had never thought he'd act like this.
I had never thought of Iruka-sensei in this way… I had loved the way his hands felt, but I didn't think about them like this.
It didn't seem right.
I ran my hands into his hair, hoping to find some kind of normalcy in it. The strands were long and smooth, the clean scent of some kind of shampoo added to the warm air. It was pleasant, but I was only revisited by a very distant memory I didn't know I still had. I was in one of the younger grades when Iruka-sensei had been getting bullied by his students, and just like now, they had stolen his hair-bands. He would come to class with his hair down days at a time to stop their pranks. I couldn't quite remember how, but I remember following through with a dare and tricking Iruka-sensei into looking the other way while I ran a hand through his hair… just to see what it was like. I think I was curious to see if long hair on a boy would still feel the same as long hair on a girl. I hadn't expected then to ever run my hands through his hair like this… while kissing him.
I had had similar thoughts about Kakashi, too… though, I loved the way he felt.
I tried to ignore that thought and focus on what I was feeling, but I didn't have enough time to when I felt his lips pull a few inches away from mine. The sounds of our breathing were synced, heavy. It only reminded me of Kakashi.
"Sakura…" The way his voice sounded between his breathing… I had never thought about hearing Iruka-sensei like this.
I didn't say anything. I was still trying to catch my breath, trying to ignore how strange it felt to feel his hands planted so firmly on the inward curves of my hips. I could feel my nerve-endings fire, as if they had been jetlagged from reacting until I actually saw his hands resting on my sides like that, but my attention to his hands was lost when his whispering voice found my ears.
"Can you say my name now?"
What?
I couldn't understand what he meant by that, but… just like everything else I've done in the past few minutes, I followed his lead.
I opened my lips a little, trying to ready my voice…
"Iru…" I couldn't finish it, my voice gave out. I tried again. "I-…." I couldn't try again before I heard him.
"I thought so…."
Before I could focus on just how kind his voice sounded I felt him lean away from me, his hands leaving me.
I was about to speak up… to apologize or ask what he meant by that but when I looked at him I lost any hope of finding my voice within the next few seconds.
I had thought that this was something I had to do for him. That this was something he wanted. Something he needed.
I had thought that I was the one who was following his lead… but the moment I saw his eyes, I could see… I could feel the amount of regret in them.
The way he was looking at me right now… as if I was something he had broken.
"I'm sorry, Sakura… That I…" He didn't finish his sentence, as if he didn't want to repeat what had happened between us, he still wouldn't look at me, as if he were ashamed. "But, do you understand now?" He asked gently.
…
'Understand'?
He was teaching me something?
I was woken up from my foggy mindset with that.
"What?" I leaned closer to him, trying to get him to look at me. He still didn't…
A moment of quiet passed, he sighed.
"You couldn't stop thinking about him, right?"
My heart and lungs shuddered when he said that, not just because Iruka-sensei had said something like that just now, but that I hadn't realized just how much I'd been thinking about Kakashi while Iruka-sensei and I were…
"You still need him." He spoke up, interrupting my thoughts… "I know you want to believe you can go your own way… and so does he… but neither of you two know the hell you're putting each other through."
I couldn't process this.
The way he was talking… as if this had all been to prove to me that… I really can't move on from Kakashi.
I really can't can I?
I've been trying to convince myself that my life could go back to normal if I just forgot about my past with him, if I could go back to thinking of him as only my team leader… but… I really couldn't….
And Iruka-sensei did this to prove that.
…
Why would he do this?
Why would he put himself in this kind of… pain?
He was the one who tried to talk us out of seeing each other when he first found out about us… and now….
"Iruka-sensei." I called to him as soon as I could think of speaking again.
He still didn't look at me, he brow furrowed after a moment and he only starting talking again.
"I should get to the hospital, you stay and see if they need help, I think the fight's over now so the-"
"Look at me," I ordered him as my hand found the side of his face, making him face me.
Our eyes met and I could still see just as much regret in them as before. I wondered that if I left him alone now whether or not he'd cry.
I took a moment before speaking, collecting my emotions and thoughts beforehand so I knew exactly what I should say.
"I guess this was another one of your lessons." I smiled a little, letting my index finger brush over the corner of the scar along his right cheek before I took my hand away from him.
His expression lightened a little as well.
I leaned towards him. "Thank you." I let my lips fall onto his cheek lightly. I could feel his posture tense underneath me, he probably didn't feel comfortable with this right after what we did, but I didn't really think about it… he needed to know how grateful I was for…
… everything.
"Umino." I nearly jumped at the sound of a voice nearly yelling Iruka's name, but I did jump when I realized how well I remembered that voice, even if its anger had disguised itself.
The moment I looked over and saw him standing there, across the clearing, looking at us with an amount of anger I hadn't seen in him portray for months, I immediately started to scramble up to my feet. I could feel Iruka-sensei try and pull himself out from under me, too.
I could feel the heaviness from before crepp back and multiply itself tenfold as I suddenly felt that nostalgic sensation of guilt and fear worm and spiral its way into the spaces between my organs, clutching my insides mercilessly.
I had to say something.
I had to explain.
… but what could I explain?
…
He probably expects the worse… and it's true.
…
What Iruka-sensei and I were doing….
…
If he had shown up only seconds ago he would have found us in worse circumstances.
The only thing I could explain is that Iruka-sensei and I weren't actually together, that this wasn't real.
I snapped back to reality when I noticed Kakashi taking a few steps toward us.
"Don't say anything, I'll-" I whispered down at him before he was already projecting his shaky voice over to the silver-haired man.
"Kakashi", he called out, "you're a little late." His tone sounded playful, almost arrogant, but I could tell right away it was fake. I had no idea that Iruka-sensei could act like that let alone now, when I knew how deep his regret was over what had just happened between us.
And that was when I realized… what he said…
'I know you want to believe you can go your own way… and so does he… '
'… and so does he…'
…
This…
This wasn't just something he wanted to teach me… he wanted Kakashi to learn something, too.
He was trying to provoke him.
… But how could that possibly work?
I had thought that Kakashi doesn't feel that way for me anymore…
I glanced back to him… that anger… I couldn't make any other sense out of it. How could he let himself get so lost in his emotions to actually show them like this? And what other reason could there be for those emotions?
I felt an acidic feeling crawl its way up to my heart, striking a white hot chord of uncertain hope. Hope that I had been too scared to think about, too scared to admit, too scared to believe in just in case I was wrong, a hope that burned brighter than ever in this moment.
But suddenly, after the moment of rush of that hope grew; it evolved into the fear that had curled itself tighter around my stomach, outgrowing the guilt momentarily.
I couldn't be sure what I was feeling, or what he was feeling right now… but…
I really needed to explain this…
I finally got to my feet, my legs wobbly with all my hesitancy, and took the few steps I needed to come out of the shadows towards the man walking across the clearing.
"Kakash-" I was interrupted when I saw, after just a moment, Kakashi's eyes –including his sharingan- fall to my hands.
I hadn't realized they were covered in blood until I could see them in the moonlight. As I was looking at my hands I didn't even see when he had moved a few steps closer, his gloved hand grabbing my own. My whole arm instantly felt hot. His expression faltered for a moment, I could read something like worry behind his mask, but after only a millisecond of his eyes looking over my form he must've understood it wasn't my blood.
I was about to open my mouth again to start explaining, but he interrupted me with his own voice this time.
"There's an injured man who needs to be taken to the hospital." He spoke clearly, and before I could wonder who he was talking to I saw two men in ANBU uniforms rush passed us to the wall behind me.
I suddenly realized that I wouldn't be able to explain anything right now.
Not only because there were men here that shouldn't know anything about this, but because the moment he finished that sentence I saw all his anger and worry bury itself inside of him. He had locked himself up… he was only Kakashi-sensei now, void of any personal opinion or portrayal. He wouldn't listen to me now.
I turned to see the men help Iruka to his feet, my arm still feeling as if it was over an open flame since his hand hadn't let go of mine.
"I-uh-" I stammered as I turned back to him, trying to will myself to say twenty different things at once. I needed to tell him so much about what just happened, about Iruka, I needed to tell him how I felt and how I didn't want to sit around for him to remember me, how I now hoped that this anger meant he felt something for me I had thought was impossible only minutes ago, and yet I didn't want to say any of that just in case I was wrong.
But instead he interrupted me, telling me the one thing I hadn't thought to say in that moment, though I should have.
"We've captured the intruder, I have to report back to his interrogation. Follow them to the hospital, inform them about what happened here." He finished with a business-like tone just as the ANBU members took advantage of their skills in speed to transport Iruka-sensei north, towards the hospital. I had hoped to have said at least one more thing to Iruka, or to have heard anything else from him… but I guess he thought he didn't have to. He had already done enough to help bridge this gap between Kakashi and I… the rest was up to us, wasn't it?
Just as soon as I nodded in understanding of his order, Kakashi walked past me to the wall.
I wanted to follow him, I wanted to talk to him. But I knew that if I tried, he wouldn't listen… he wouldn't believe me…
And although I knew that, I guess a part of me really didn't care because I found my feet taking me after him, my mouth opening itself to say something I hadn't intended.
"Meet me at the hospital when you can."
I didn't know what I had planned by saying that, I didn't know anything about what he was thinking as he walked towards the wall, but he stopped for a moment.
My heart was working too hard to keep up with my anxiety.
Something like relief and fear washed over my heart when I saw him nod silently towards the wall.
I gave him only a second longer of a look before I ran to catch up to Iruka-sensei.
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He heard her leave.
Somehow, being alone now didn't help.
It had only minutes beforehand that he had found himself making his way to the Southern wall despite his orders to investigate the West… he saw the flash bomb go off and had led the team in battle. They had captured him. He had come to check the causalities… and he found them.
Kakashi knelt down the small lump of cloth on the ground. He recognized the jacket, even if it was soaked in blood.
Umino must have been in a serious condition.
And she was here to help him.
His hands ran over the clean section of the fabric carefully, remembering the way she looked in it earlier that night… her smile.
…
He couldn't help but wonder just how unlucky he must be to have finally developed some kind of closeness with her again, only for it to be interrupted like this… again.
It's almost as if these were signs to stay away from her.
…
He would've listened to them yesterday… he would have listened to them this afternoon…
…
But the way she looked at him just now.
As if she didn't want him to think of her with Umino.
…
She felt something for him.
Something.
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I hate to end it here… with everything that's about to happen… but at least it'll mean all the more when the next chapter comes out. :)