o O o
A/N: "How could 18 years just up and walk away…" is a line from the Sara Evans song Suds in the Bucket. The concept was appealing to me on more than one level in relation to the events that just transpired. I suspect that the subject of that tune came from a much different family environment than our Sam, however, that's part of what creates resonance for her.
The book selection quoted below is excerpted from Oh! The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss. It is reproduced faithfully with the exception of a gender change made by Spencer on the fly.
o O o
In the elevator, Sam perched atop several large garbage bags filled with the possessions she'd deemed worthy of saving. No longer running in "goddess mode," her earlier energy was spent like the sand in an hourglass. Spencer looked on with some concern and sank down beside her.
"You look worn out Mädchen, on top of having something on your mind. Are you having second thoughts about this?"
She reached for his hand and leaned wearily into his chest before shaking her head. "Never – this is where I want to be. It's just sinking in that I really did it – eighteen years just got up and walked away. This is me saying that the little girl is really gone."
"And are you ok with that?" he asked her quietly. "I won't kid you; this is a big deal. We're not just playing house here; this is for real. You said it wasn't a decision that required discussion, but maybe it does. I know that I'm asking a lot of you, moving you in under uncertain circumstances. I don't want you ever to feel like you have to do something to make me happy. I'll love you if you're here; I'll love you if you're there. You ARE my first priority, and if the time isn't right –"
She put her finger to his lips in a silent hush. "No, that's not it. Good things bear repeating; I'm CHOOSING this path. It was Mom, I think. She maybe got me, just a little bit. It means A LOT to me that she said it – that she loves me; what I've always had a hard time with is feeling like she loves me. Spence, I don't know if I can explain it; it's like I was standing there not just closing the door on childhood, but on the dream of the childhood I didn't have but always wanted. I didn't have bedtime stories or birthday parties. No one visited school during education week, or chaperoned my field trips. I didn't believe in the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. As far as I could tell – or how it LOOKED to me then, was that I was a commodity during the pageant days and an inconvenience the rest of the time. We went in there tonight and –" she stopped to swipe at her eyes. "Damn dust," she muttered. "You really should clean in here…"
"We went in there tonight and?" he prompted gently.
"We went in there tonight and in her crazy Pam way, she actually said she approves of me – that she's PROUD of me even, and I wasn't expecting that. I feel…I don't really know how I feel. I just feel. "
Reaching across her to punch the "up" button, he nodded to himself; it was the emotional processing that always threw her for a loop. As Pam said, he probably should have seen that coming. At this point, diversionary tactics were in order. Sam preferred to process emotions physically; to an extent he would allow it, but deciding whether she was ready to let go was not a decision he could make for her. And so he would do what he did best – he would give her what she needed the most.
Carly was poised to pounce as soon as the elevator door opened. Spencer had promised to allow her input, and she wouldn't rest until she gave it. She paused in surprise when Spencer scooped Sam up and strode past her to the stairs.
"Spencer," she and Sam started in stereo, but he shook his head.
"In a minute Carly."
"Is Sam ok?" she called after them.
"She's fine. She's worn out…" he nudged the door of Carly's room open and deposited Sam on the bed. She kicked off her shoes and sank onto a pillow without protest. Turning to rummage through the closet, he selected a book at random from a group shoved back in the corner of the highest shelf. He glanced at the title and smiled. Oh the serendipity…
Offering no explanation, he settled beside her and started to read. "Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away! You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the gal who'll decide where to go. You'll look up and down streets. Look'em over with care. About some you will say, 'I don't choose to go there.' With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down a not-so-good street. And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town. It's opener there in the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too… "
Sam lay with her head pillowed on her arm and let his voice lull her. She was almost home.
Reaching the end, Spencer closed the book and laid a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Tell her goodnight from me Mädchen. I love you…" he turned out the light and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.
o O o
"Spencer, I thought Sam was moving in with YOU. You didn't say she was moving in with ME!" Carly complained as soon as he reappeared to drag the bags from the elevator.
"Relax Carly; Sam's not moving in with you," he answered with a hint of amusement.
"Then why is she in my bed? I really don't like to find half eaten tamales in it."
"I promise there are no tamales, and you'll get your bed back. I just borrowed it for a while – there was someone she needed to say goodbye to."
"I'm not sure that makes any kind of sense, but you seem to know what you're doing. MOST of the time. It's the rest of the time that I want to talk to you about. Spencer, you know Sam is my best friend in the world and I am absolutely thrilled that you two are happy together. But do you really think that moving her in here NOW - right when Dad's getting ready to come home – is a good idea? This is bound to turn ugly, and I don't understand why you would do that to her."
She watched him discard several potential answers, and this worried her. He wasn't SURE, and Carly really needed him to be sure.
"The showdown is inevitable this time," he started finally, "whether or not Sam is involved. I don't like putting her in the middle of it, but this is a fight that she knows and understands. I didn't draft her; she enlisted, and what it boils down to is that I need her Carly. She brings me a purpose – a focus that I didn't have before. She makes it possible for me to look ahead, to think about leaving this holding pattern and chart some kind of course. And man is that going to rub Dad the wrong way – Sam's made more progress on that front in a month than he has in thirty years. So he's going to come home and I'm going to stand up and say this is who I am. How can I do that without Sam?"
How indeed? "There's no other way?"
"I would say that's entirely up to him."
Carly sighed. "He's the only dad we have you know."
Spencer inclined his head slightly in acknowledgment. "Oh yes. How could I forget?"
o O o
It was sometime past midnight when she materialized beside him in the dark. "We're clearly going to have to renegotiate the space here, " she teased, "you're taking up far more than your share."
"I was saving it for you," he replied with a smile in his voice.
"That implies you knew I was coming."
"That's because I did. This surprises you?"
She laughed softly as he wrapped his arms around her. "No Spence; not at all."
"I didn't think it would."
Why? Because it was her day – she was "off to Great Places,"" off and away," and when this "mind-maker upper" could CHOOSE where to roam, this "mind-maker upper" would always come home.