Chapter 82!
Title: 'Manipulations and Moments: Part 1'
Note: Ok... so even though the last 'chapter' was only a preview, I don't think I'll include it here again, just so that you guys can get right back on track for the story and not have to reread anything!
Also!
This is a surprise double-chapter update!
Enjoy!
And review if you'd like!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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She carefully angled the last little piece of tape over the seams of magazine paper, her expression hardened with her concentration. She nearly made a wrinkle in the sticky bandage when that concentration was interrupted by the loud thud of one of the hallway doors opening quicker than it was made to. She looked up in surprise at the girl who was walking determinately through the waiting area.
The receptionist's expression hardened again, but into something like a scowl, when she recognized that pink hair and therefore remembering her intimidation-based annoyance at the 'know-it-all'. The scowl subsided when the receptionist realized a second person walking through the doors and into the waiting area now.
"Uh-" The girl almost spoke up to get Kakashi-san's attention to maybe ask him about getting a drink later the way she had planned, but the sound of her voice was interrupted by his.
"Haruno Sakura." He called the girl's full name sternly.
Everything suddenly seemed quieter than before, as if the sounds of the world muted because of that tone of his.
The receptionist, almost immediately giddy at the thought that the girl he was talking to was in some kind of trouble, thought she could hear something else in his tone that shouldn't have been there. Other than the distinct angry quality, it almost sounded… weird. Like there was some kind of subtext, but the receptionist couldn't think about what the subtext could've been when she was suddenly interested in why the pink-haired teacher's pet whipped around at that instant.
"Yes, Hatake-sensei?" She asked, her voice almost mirroring his tone if it didn't have that vindictive curl to it.
Being versed in the tell-tale signs of drama, the receptionist immediately recognized that the moment of quiet proceeding Haruno Sakura's words was thick with some kind of tension between the two people across the room. Even the receptionist could see that Kakashi-san either didn't like the tone the girl used or the way she addressed him. Thinking back on it, the receptionist remembered somewhere that Kakashi-san never liked it when people used his family name. She wondered whether Haruno knew that.
The quiet lasted a few moments longer, the receptionist didn't move an inch, though she would have if she had had some popcorn. She keenly observed the way Kakashi-san seemed to correct his posture after a moment, slouching in his usual way again. The receptionist could tell he was trying to cover up the anger he had displayed in his tone only seconds before, he was trying to act like he didn't care about something that must have actually bothered him – the receptionist's heart pattered at how attractive she found that. And then he spoke.
"I need to discuss something with you." His tone was completely solid.
I bet she's in deep trouble, the receptionist hoped.
"What is it?" The girl asked. The receptionist saw that the girl's annoying face was just as stone-like as his words. The receptionist looked over to Kakashi-san's masked face as he spoke again, it was just as expressionless. She felt like she was watching some kind of stand-off.
"… Your behavior during tonight's crisis was unprofessional."
The receptionist smirked at the man's mini-lecture, thinking she knew exactly what he was talking about.
"I know." Haruno answered back, almost immediately, disrespectfully.
Oooo, she's gonna get it! The receptionist really wanted that popcorn again. It was clear that she had just ignored his professional criticism, but he only paused for a moment before continuing.
"Your duties as a medicnin may have seemed necessary, but you should have known that, in an emergency, the subduing of an enemy is the first priority. Making that mistake again can cost you the lives of your team in the future." The masked man lectured. "I would have expected a better performance from you."
The receptionist suddenly felt uncomfortable. Even though she was more than happy to see that the Haruno-girl was getting scolded, there was something in the way he was talking. It was kind of scary.
The receptionist wasn't so sure that she wanted to ask Kakashi-san out anymore… or maybe she wanted to more than ever… she couldn't decide.
"Is that all?" The girl's voice asked simply.
The receptionist leaned forward an inch in something like intrigue with how the girl that man was lecturing so intensely could brush off his words without even blinking. If there was ever a moment when the receptionist could be impressed by that girl, it was then, but that moment was short-lived when Haruno paid the highest disrespect to her attractive captain so far. Even the receptionist somehow felt insulted:
"If that's all you wanted to tell me, sir, then I'll be going."
The receptionist looked on as the pink-haired girl turned away from her captain and started walking towards the front doors. She didn't really expect it when the doors closed shut behind the girl, leaving the masked man standing there by himself. It seemed anti-climatic that the girl would just leave, it was almost as strange as the fact that Haruno, who was usually such a suck-up, would talk to her captain like that.
She looked over to Kakashi-san, who hadn't moved an inch, but he didn't seem to be as shocked as her. She watched as he lifted his hand to his eyes, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose before combing through his hair.
She knew that she had been planning on asking Kakashi-san out once she could speak to him alone, but she didn't really feel as if she was even in the same room as him. She realized a moment too late that they were in the same room, because just as if she had been reading a compelling story in a magazine and commenting on it aloud as she normally would, she had said, without thinking, out loud:
"That's it?"
She would've felt embarrassed for admitting her presence and her eavesdropping if she hadn't been more surprised by his reaction.
He looked over to her, and then to the doors, it was then she saw him make a decision. It wasn't a few seconds until he was gone through those doors, too… as if he was following after Haruno.
Everything was quiet again for the receptionist after the doors clicked back into place. After a few moments of staring around the fluorescent-lit waiting room, realizing that the story she had been so interested in was now being told somewhere else, she went back to her magazine, more bored than ever before.
Without really having to think about it, she felt like there was something more than what she saw going on. She wanted to know what it was. It couldn't have been anything too interesting.
Maybe Kakashi-san didn't like the fact Haruno was dating Umino-san, the way everyone said she was. The receptionist pulled another piece of tape out of the dispenser.
Then she wondered why Kakashi-san would have a problem with Haruno and Umino-san. Yeah, their relationship was weird and gross, but it wasn't like Kakashi-san was jealous or something.
…
The receptionist paused for a moment, looking up from her magazine and into space.
…
She shook her head, tempted to laugh at the stupid thought as she went back to piecing her poor magazine back together.
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The moment the front doors of the hospital closed behind me I felt a wave of uncertainty crash against me, distracting me from the sudden chill on my bare legs and thinly sweatered arms.
It had been only seconds since I had insulted and walked away from the man I had just promised myself to never give up on again.
Iruka-sensei showed me that I shouldn't throw away what I had with Kakashi… and here I am, pushing him away again.
I had thought until then that maybe the universe had been playing games on my life just to see me squirm when things went wrong, but now I was fairly certain that there was some kind of subconscious part of my mind that made me mess things up for myself.
Even as I was still stomping down the gravel walkway to the street I had to convince myself not to turn around and try to explain myself to him.
I couldn't take back what I just did….
Even if it was harsh, even though it went against everything I felt to be rude to him like that right now, I couldn't just roll over!
Not now. Not now when I'm finally starting to figure out what I need to do.
I turned onto the street, walking down the dark asphalt quickly, deep in the contradicting thoughts of that moment.
He's my captain, I know he has a right to lecture me… but it didn't feel like he was talking to me as my captain. As my captain he should have told me what my mistakes were, but in the morning, after the state of emergency on the village was over, and he shouldn't have gotten so angry. But, instead, he set up this meeting so quickly and the moment he saw me in that hallway he started treating me like a child. He wasn't just lecturing me about what happened tonight. I could almost see it just now… there was something in the way he was talking to me.
I had heard that tone of his, seen those expressions of his –the expressions that would seem blank to anyone who hadn't spent months staring at his uncovered face every day-, more than a few times in our relationship.
My stomach suddenly jumped and my feet stopped when I realized what I was thinking about.
That voice.
Those expressions.
This is exactly how he gets whenever he's jealou-
"Sakura."
The moment I heard his voice I wished I had still been walking, at least that way he wouldn't have caught me so off guard… but I probably would've tripped and made a fool of myself anyways. But no matter what I was doing, hearing his voice call my first name was enough to get to me. My stomach, which had still been recovering from the jolt of my interrupted realization, was sent into another panic attack.
I turned around slowly, caught in something like a daze. I couldn't really piece together my thoughts for a moment, but there was an instinct in me that pulled my full attention to Kakashi the moment I saw him standing there.
He caught up to me, stopping several feet away from me, as if to be polite.
I almost let myself wonder why he had followed me, but I was scared to give myself the kind of hope the possible answer could give me.
It didn't matter, though, what I would be wondering about… not after what he said next.
"I can't approve of you and Iruka."
He repeated something he had said earlier tonight with more conviction than he had said back then.
There was a click and my brain almost hurt when it suddenly realized several things at once.
I realized why he was angry, why he had tried to manipulate me, why he was standing here, why he was still trying to talk to me even though I had inadvertently given him an escape route by being so rude to him just now, why he suddenly brought up the relationship he thought I was in with Iruka. All of these realizations melted into one that sent chills through my nerves and a deep pit of anxious hope diving through my heart and stomach against my will:
He had been angry, he had tried to manipulate me, and he was standing here repeating himself because there was a part of him that… didn't want to let me go.
That was such a dangerous thought for me… to assume that I could mean anything more to him than a student, than a young girl acting like an idiot, but the moment the idea ran through my mind, it felt… right.
Something in him didn't want to drop our conversation.
He didn't want to just let me walk away.
I couldn't control a sudden deep breath of relief, though it could have easily sounded like a sigh of frustration.
The pit in my chest filled with fluttering sensations I hadn't felt in days. A smile I had forgotten could be genuine after faking it so many times tempted my lips as I stared at him in the semi-darkness. Everything about him was calling me to him. I wanted to let that smile take over my expression, to admit to everything right then and there just for the chance to felt his arms again, his shoulders, his heartbeat… but I knew that that wouldn't have been wise.
Even though the thought that there was a part of Kakashi that still cared about me in a way I thought was impossible until now made my entire being restless with hope and relief, it sent fluttering and sparking sensations through my chest, it made me want to jump up and down on the spot like the idiot I always turned into around him, but I knew I had to subdue it.
I couldn't even let myself think about that hope right now.
I had to bottle it away until I knew for sure… until I knew, beyond a doubt, that I wasn't just seeing what I wanted, that I wasn't just delirious… that there was something in this man standing in front of me that wanted me the way I've wanted him all this time… again.
The smile I had ignored subsided completely, the energy behind it carefully squared away in the same moment I realized it.
It hadn't been more than a few seconds since his words that I heard mine leave my mouth.
"You've already said that." I neither confirmed nor denied the 'relationship' he talked about, I made sure to keep the attitude from before in my tone… but I really didn't feel much of that attitude right now… I was more scared than anything else.
I had to remain calm.
I had to know for sure.
I couldn't trust myself not to see what I wanted.
I needed to know what he really felt.
I waited for his answer with my every fiber, but I was careful to maintain my stony expression as I felt him search my face… I needed to seem almost bored.
It was my turn to manipulate him.
Even if it was tougher than I thought it was going to be.
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"You've already said that." Her response was cold. He didn't blame her.
Even now he couldn't find any room in himself to be insulted by the lack of interest in her words. Of course, at first her tone towards him in the hospital had surprised him, the way she could so calmly disrespect him.
He hadn't seen that coming.
But her disrespect hadn't frustrated him to this point – the point where he would follow after her to continue a conversation he had already tried hours ago- it was the fact that her disrespect was necessary. She was only showing him he was out of line. He knew he was, but he didn't care anymore.
His thoughts and feelings for her had crossed a line already, more than once, and there was no point in denying that.
But now he needed to figure out which side of the line was better… for the both of them.
"I know." He answered seriously.
Her eyes studied him, he stared back. The sky was darker now, she was nearly invisible in the darkness, but even so, she was the only thing in the world he could focus on entirely. Nothing else existed right then, and the way she was looking at him, bored but careful, he couldn't help but wonder just how much of her world he took up.
He had known this girl for years. After the first few weeks of knowing her she had always been respectful and polite to him -as far as he could remember, anyways-, but she had never been able stare him in the eye as long as she was now. He knew, better than before, that whatever had happened between them these last few months was much stronger than he thought it could have been.
His desire to find out more about what they had had inched him further over the line.
"Why not?..." She asked. Her voice, slight but strong, surprised him with that sudden question. "Why can't you accept a relationship between Iruka and me?"
He stared at her a few seconds longer, a little shocked. She didn't seem at all embarrassed to talk so directly to him like this.
Things were definitely different between them from before.
He took a moment to really think about her question.
He immediately knew he couldn't tell her the truth. The truth would only burden her.
But he wanted to tell her. More than he thought he did.
He imagined what it would be like, telling her.
Even though she was treating him like this… even though she had tried to hide their past… he knew she felt something for him, he'd figured that out for himself.
But did she feel enough for him to accept the truth?
Despite the professional glare he was directing at the girl several feet away from him, he could feel his heart harden and stumble at that thought.
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"Relationships are distracting." His voice was low and serious as he answered my question after a hesitation.
I felt my frustrations raise a fraction.
I had mustered enough courage to ask him why he couldn't approve of a relationship between Iruka-sensei and me, and that's the answer he gave me?
I should've known that this conversation was going to take more from me than any talk between us before.
My attitude didn't waver as I thought of my response quickly, "I wouldn't be the first kunoichi, the first ninja, to juggle a relationship with a career."
Out of all the examples I knew about shinobi who had had successful relationships and marriages my mind really couldn't go anywhere other than the relationship I had had with this man in front of me. We were both ninja, belonging to the same team, and struggling to keep what we had a secret… and we managed better than others probably would have… and, yet, here he was telling me that a relationship as comfortable as one would be with Iruka-sensei would be 'too distracting'. I wanted to laugh and sigh at the same time, but his words took me out of those thoughts.
"I didn't mean distracting for you." He took a step towards me. My heart skipped a beat.
I paused before letting myself ask a question, debating whether or not I should give him the power of the conversation even for just this moment. I asked anyways, "For who, then?"
He gave me a look for a moment.
"The village." He took another step towards me slowly, like I was a wild animal that could pounce or run away if he moved too quickly. He was right… I really was tempted to both take a step back and take several forward. I stayed still. If he wanted to get closer to me, he was going to do it himself. I listened as he added more to his answer, "Your reputation is at stake. If this opinion about you spreads it could affect-"
That was when I needed to interrupt him, otherwise I really would have laughed or sighed at the way he was still talking about problems I had already dealt with over and over and over again... because of him.
"I've been worried about what the village has thought of me for a long time." I hinted against my better judgment, "I'm not new to this. I can handle myself."
I started to turn around, breaking the eye contact we had held for the conversation and looking towards the upcoming, darkened, store buildings down the road. I felt confident with my answer, especially because I saw that moment of surprise in his masked expression when I said it.
If what I said surprised him, it did what I wanted it to.
I readied myself to start walking again.
If he really wanted to talk to me about this, he was going to have to figure out how to say what he really felt. He was going to have to work to keep my attention… even if he had always had every piece of it from the start.
And just as I started to lift my foot for the first step I was going to take away from him, my plan had actually worked. I heard him take a few steps closer, following me. But my success was a bit more than I had expected when I heard him speak up, a little loudly.
"Sakura, I can't let you-"
My elation for finally being the one to have manipulated him, even if just for a split second, was suddenly crushed by annoyance.
"'Let me'?" I turned around suddenly, quoting him, my tone truthful to my distaste for the way he said that. I was used to taking orders from him, I was used to him being possessive even when it wasn't attractive, but he really needed to figure out that he wasn't in control of me when it came to this. I used to think he could order me around like this, but that's not the way things were anymore. I could decide for myself what I could do!
I suddenly remembered something he said only earlier that night. "I thought it was 'my choice what I do with my personal life'." I quoted him again as he only looked at me, silently.
I could see his expression flicker again. It was the thoughtful look he got every time he had to think of some kind of lie to get out of a situation.
"Sakura, as your captain-" He tried that card again, just like before.
I wasn't going to let him hide behind the social titles we had already broken through, even if he couldn't remember we had.
"You have nothing to do with this." I finished his sentence harshly. I was almost surprised with myself for being able to say that so quickly, so coldly. A part of me wanted to take it back when I saw the shock in his expression. I was suddenly so worried I had hurt him somehow. "Not as my captain…" I explained with a softer tone, trying to keep myself from possibly hurting him further.
At that thought I had to take a moment's thought to thank Kakashi. Even though he would manipulate me every so often, the way I was manipulating him now, he had never hurt me, he knew how not to… which was turning out to be more difficult than I thought it would be.
I had to walk this tight-rope of trying to twist his arm into confessing his real thoughts, without insulting him too deeply. I had no idea it was this difficult.
I spoke up before he could, trying to steer the conversation my way again. But I don't think he was going to say anything anyways, not with the way he was looking at me. "So finish what you were going to say."
His shook his head only a fraction, as if trying to tell me he didn't understand.
"Before the alarm, before any of this," I specified, "… what were you going to say?"
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"Sakura, as your captain-"
"You have nothing to do with this."… "Not as my captain…"
He had forgotten what he was going to say. He couldn't figure out what he could say.
For the first time in a long while his words were stuck.
The way she said that….
He was just about play out his planned response about, as her captain, he couldn't let her get herself in trouble without trying to stop it… but what she said.
She was right.
She couldn't have been more right.
And even though he had been beating himself up about this for days, he hadn't even thought about it until she said it.
As her captain, it was really nowhere in his responsibilities to look after her anywhere off the battlefield. He wasn't required to help her with her personal life. He wasn't required to look after her. If there was one thing he was supposed to keep track of, as her captain, concerning her personal life, it was to stay out of it.
He wasn't supposed to lecture her about it.
He wasn't supposed to try and talk her out of a harmful relationship.
He wasn't supposed to try and talk her into one, either.
And here she was, reminding him of that.
He was almost grateful when she spoke up again, moving him away from those thoughts.
"So finish what you were going to say."
He only looked at her, still unable to think of speaking just yet. He shook his head a little.
"Before the alarm, before any of this," she specified, "… what were you going to say?"
He remembered what she was talking about.
He remembered what he was going to say.
'As myself…'
If she had asked him to tell her this at any other time, when he wasn't shaken to the point of silence, he knew he probably would have lied. He would have thought of a different answer… to spare both of them of them.
But right now, after having the truth thrown at him… it was all he could think of saying.
"As myself…" He started. Even he could hear a difference in his voice, it was softer, warmer… he barely recognized it as his own. " …I worry about you." He continued.
He could feel his chest tighten after he said it.
He was never one to actually tell the truth about his personal thoughts.
There was a moment's silence, only the night wind picking up into a whistle interrupted it. This time he could almost see something like shock in Sakura's eyes… as if by just telling her the truth it had delivered the same word-paralyzing shock her words had given him only seconds earlier.
After finding himself looking at her eyes for almost too long, starting to appreciate the way their color and shape made his chest warm, he knew he had to say something to break up this silence between them.
"I worry about your choices," He continued "…as your… friend." His voice failed just before the last word. It wasn't what he wanted to say, it was much less than the truth, and the way her expression suddenly changed he could see that Sakura knew that, too.
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"I worry about your choices," he said, "… as your… friend."
And just as he finished that last word my wordless brain chugged back into motion, oiled by the frustration of hearing the half-lie in his voice with that word and the hope it gave me.
Kakashi really only lied when it suited the mission or when he wanted to hide something he cared too much about to reveal. For him to change his words at the last minute… he was definitely hiding something, but it was closer to the surface than it ever was before.
I found my voice, trying to keep the anticipation I felt out of it.
"… But not enough to know what my choices really are." I added onto his thought, my tone more disappointed than I intended. It struck me that even though I thought I was only acting this way to get a reaction out of him… it didn't mean I didn't actually feel it somewhere deep inside.
"What?" He asked, I looked away from his face, not wanting to see what his expression would be when I was finally going to tell him the truth.
"It was never my choice for everyone to spread those rumors about Iruka-sensei and me. I didn't choose for everyone to make their own decisions about what I'm doing with my personal life. I didn't choose to be lied about." I could feel my emotions well up halfway into my words, melting away more of my attitude than I felt comfortable with. If I hadn't had already dealt with the uncertainty and pain connected to the drama of these past few days concerning the rumors between Iruka and me, I probably wouldn't have been able to keep my voice from stuttering by the end of these words.
"Saku-" I couldn't let him say anything until I finished telling him the complete truth. Things between us have been muddled by half-truths and misunderstandings for too long already.
He needed to know at least one thing for sure.
"Iruka-sensei is a good man, a good teacher. A good friend." I felt my gratitude for Iruka-sensei's friendship ease my nerves for what I knew I had to say next, even though I really didn't want to say it, "If you were really that worried, if you really cared enough, about me and my 'choices' you would've known which were the ones I actually made for myself." Those words were more difficult to say than they were to think of.
I suddenly really didn't like this manipulation-game anymore, not when I had to say something like that just to get to the truth he needed to tell me.
But just like that, he was quiet again. I still didn't look at him. I had no way of knowing what his expression was, what his thoughts were.
I'd never done this to him before.
I couldn't know how he would react.
But now that the truth was out, at least about Iruka-sensei, now that he knew all his 'worries for my choices' were actually unnecessary. Now that he had no other reason to hide behind for an excuse to talk to me other than to talk to me… it was up to him what happened next.
Funny how manipulating him ended up giving him all the control over us…
If there was an 'us'….
Without a moment's hesitation I looked down to the ground and with a polite nod of my head I could only whisper, "Goodnight, sensei."
I turned around and started walking away from him, secretly wishing he'd say something… anything.
But the only thing I could hear for what seemed an eternity was the sand under my sandals and the pounding of my heart.
All I knew was that it was all up to him now.
If he had a reason to come after me, he couldn't blame it on me… it had to be for himself.
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Next chapter will be up shortly! Just gotta edit!
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