Chapter 85

Title: 'Conversations and Crossroads'

NOTE:

Ok, now that finals are almost over and I can afford the time to sit down and write something that I'm not constantly deleting, I'm going to try and give this story an ending it deserves.

I'm not sure how long it'll take or how many chapters are left, but I can't bring myself to start up any other projects I've been wanting to pick up without finishing this one.

Although the affection that some of you once felt for this story may have dwindled over the time I've made you wait for the updates, I hope that if you're still interested in seeing how it all ends that you will enjoy what I have left to offer.

Thank you very much to all of you who have made it this far, and so without any further adieu, I'll carry on with the story and we'll see where it takes us.

… … … … … … …

"What were they after?" Kakashi asked as he entered the Archive Room of scurrying men and women who were struggling to pick up bits of papers and scrolls which were strewn across the floor in a disarray of what looked like a small hurricane caused by the intruders from earlier.
The Hokage stood among the people which a stern look cementing her features, her eyes maintaining a single point on the wall. Deep in thought, but still completely aware of everything happening around her, she didn't need to acknowledge Kakashi's entrance before she spoke.

"We'll find that out soon enough." She mumbled. "We'll have to go through the entire register, but we have some time. Whatever they took was encoded, they shouldn't be able to decipher anything for at least a few days. And whatever they're planning shouldn't take less than a week to prepare for, probably."

"Do you think they're planning an attack on the village?" He asked, learning from experience what usually happens after their archives have been meddled with.

"No…. But we'll need to keep an eye on the incoming mission requests for any traps." She answered.

"What did you need me for?" Kakashi cut to the chase, his mind still in other places.

The falsely-young woman looked over to him, losing not an ounce of tension from her demeanor, "We have a twin library in Kibuya. Sakura had spent enough time filing our own Archives for me these past few years to know a thing or two from memory, and frankly, I trust her more than some of these idiots." A few of the attendants picking up paper scraps looked up with an insulted look, "I wanted to see if I could take her off your hands for a few days." At that Tsunade turned to address one of the scurrying attendants with some orders, not bothering to wait for an answer.

"I don't think that would be in our best interest, Lady Hokage." Kakashi answered quickly without checking himself first. He knew it was a mistake the moment he said it, but he couldn't stop himself. A part of him he couldn't quite understand yet had made it an instinct of his to keep Sakura within his reach… the idea of her leaving the village for a few days, especially at a time like this, was not something he could let happen without trying to stop.

Tsunade paused for a moment to look back to him with something like surprise taking over her expression. She seemed to lose focus on the current situation for a brief moment.
Kakashi could see a glimmer of something like curiosity flash in the Hokage's eyes.

"Oh?" She asked with something humor mixing with her previous tension, "Then I guess I'll have to see if I can send Imada instead…" she finished slowly.

"Is that all you needed, Hokage?" Kakashi asked a little stiffly.

She nodded without blinking.

He turned to leave before her voice stopped him.

"Kakashi…." She called.

"Yes?" He turned around swiftly.

He kept his eyes on hers as she took a few steps closer, her hands on her hips. He could feel her silent interrogation, she knew he was hiding something, but he wasn't about to give anything up. After a moment longer of her stare she looked away with a huff of annoyance, as if she had lost a bet.

"Keep me updated." She said with a tired and casual tone as she turned away again.

"I will." He answered professionally, not showing any of the relief he felt, before nodding and leaving the room as quickly as he could without arousing further suspicion.

He wondered as he walked out of the building, if he couldn't help but be so transparent even while he was still oblivious to his crimes, how much more obvious he must have been when he knew everything he had done.

Although he had some time to spare his mind wasn't anywhere but on that bridge and the girl who would be waiting there.

He also couldn't help but wonder, if his mind could be so monopolized by her now, how he could've spared even a moment to think about anything else when he was actually with her.

But despite the questions he had for himself, he had more than a few for her.

And there was one, in particular, he wanted an answer to first.

… … … … … … …

"Why'd you hide it from me?" His voice asked from behind me.

I hadn't been standing there, on the bridge, more than a moment but suddenly it felt as if my whole world came crashing down onto me. Between the time I had last heard his voice and now I had managed to secure the infrastructure of my life: I talked with a friend, I reassured my family, I took a shower, took care of my bloodied clothes, and changed into something I wouldn't feel completely embarrassed to be seen in by him. I had prepared myself from the moment he was gone, with every step I took, to see him again and now, even though I could only barely hear him over the hammering of my heart, I still wasn't ready.

But, despite any kind of preparation, I wouldn't have been ready for that question.

I would've been able to handle any question but that one.

And it was the first thing he said to me.

"I…." I started, wanting to chase away the unbearable silence which had spread between us. I needed to at least look at him. He was there, the way he's always looked; practically unchanged from the first day I met him despite the few years which have passed. That familiarity didn't help my nerves; it frayed them, in fact. What I wished I really could have seen was his face. I wanted to see his whole face, I wanted to see him smile, I wanted to pretend none of this had ever happened and things could be simple between us again. Words suddenly found their way out of me before I could get a chance to stop them, "I was afraid."

And then, in the moment of complete stillness which followed my words, everything about him changed. He wasn't the same as before. I couldn't explain, not even to myself, but I could sense that something about him was different. I couldn't tell how though… whether he understood my words and all the emotional luggage which came with them, and if he accepted that answer with compassion or detestment. A part of me, the part of me which had so inexplicably formed those words before I knew I was saying them, didn't really care what he was thinking as much as it did that I had said them. The weight of my world which had crashed onto me when he asked that question had lifted itself off of me the moment I answered truthfully.
it was so strange, this feeling of telling the truth... I hadn't really realized how often I had lied to him recently...
That moment of weightlessness came to halt when he interrupted the horrible silence again.

"What we had happened between us was wrong." His voice was low.

My heart understood the words before my brain could and plummeted while my eyes could do nothing but stare at him. This was not what I had expected, and yet, I hadn't expected anything else.
I had been so scared of those words it had arrested my life, I was so scared that if I heard him say those words everything I knew would fall apart and I would disintegrate as well.

But he said them, he actually said them, and... I was still here.

If I had heard him say this to me weeks ago, or only a few days ago, I would have withered under the cruelty of those words. I wouldn't have been able to think about anything other than the pain they caused me… but as I heard them right now, all I felt was… nothing.
It was almost as if I was numb. Almost as if the words had bounced right off of me.
I couldn't tell if it was only the shock of hearing them, and that the pain would come later, but whatever caused this stillness of my emotions, I was grateful for it. I didn't want to turn back into the blubbering mess I was. I needed to keep my head. I needed to hear him out. After all, this was what I wanted.

I've always wanted to know what he really thought about our relationship.

I had always wanted to know exactly what he thought about us... and now I could finally get the truth.

And the truth was definitely something I had gone far too long without to deny it now when it meant the most.

"I'm a full grown man." He continued with the same, low, tone that held no trace of emotion. 'Full grown man'. That phrase hadn't bothered me this much since the assassination mission, my mind wandered strangely. "I'm your captain, I was your teacher. It was my responsibility to you to protect you."

Protect me from what?
I wanted to ask, but didn't. I couldn't make myself say anything. I was stuck in listening-mode. It was as if a part of me was just waiting for the right thing to respond to. I had no idea why, but I decided to follow that feeling.

I could see his expression harden after a moment of silence… he hadn't expected this silence from me.

"It was wrong for me to have lied to the entire village. I've betrayed everyone's trust." He added weakly, taking a half-step forward, as if to add an emphasis to his words. "It was wrong for me to include myself in your personal life." He paused with a suddenness that made me feel as if he had so much more to say. I stayed quiet.

"It was wrong for me to let myself get so close to you. It was wrong that my forced my way into your life, I should have known better. It was wrong that I made you lie to everyone for me." He looked away from me.

I found my voice at that.

"You think you made me lie for you?" I asked with more annoyance in my voice than I thought I would have.

"You did lie for me." He corrected me.

"But you didn't make me lie for you." I retorted a little strongly.

"What choice did you have but to lie to protect me once I'd gone too far?"His voice grew louder. "If you didn't lie to protect my reputation, you would've been betraying your captain. The moment I did something that had to be kept a secret from others with you, I condemned you to live a lie without an escape!" His voice sped through his words so quickly I could barely understand them, but I could understand within moments after he said them that these were thoughts he's kept hidden for a long time."It was wrong that I made you keep a secret that ate away at your life just because I couldn't control myself." The energy he put into his words told me everything I needed to know. And it was contagious, I was starting to feel a kind of energy bubble up in my chest, as well. I needed to prove him wrong… and I knew how. It would be tricky, but if I knew him the way I thought I did, I could definitely do it.

"You're right." I started softly, contradicting myself for a reason. It was interesting to see the twitch in his expression when he heard me say that, even though he seemed to almost be in pain I took it as a good sign, "I wouldn't have lied if it hadn't been for you. If you hadn't returned my feelings, if only you would've turned me down and treated me like the kid you must think I am, I wouldn't have had to go through a lot of problems and struggled to keep a lot of secrets because of you." My voice was getting louder against my will, but I could see his brow begin to furrow and his chest start to rise and fall faster, as if his breathing was picking up. I'd never seen him be so affected by my words; I suddenly knew what it felt like to be him when he would do this to me. I wanted to smirk at the way things, in these past few days, have been turned on their head. I've been able to become more like him, and I've finally started to get to him they way he always could get to me. I wondered how proud he would be if only he could figure it out, too. "I wouldn't have to be worried every time I go home or see my friends whether or not they've finally figured out what was going on between us. I wouldn't have to feel guilty every time I lie to our team about how strangely you'd been acting. Things would have been a lot simpler if you had stayed out of my 'personal' life." He took a step forward and a step back, I could tell he didn't like it when I said these things. I changed my tone before continuing. "But you didn't stay out because I didn't want you to. I dealt with all the problems, all the worrying, I dealt with all the lies because I wanted to." He looked at me differently now. I took a step toward him, his stance stiffened as if he had to make sure he didn't move any closer to me.

"You didn't make me do anything." I lowered my voice.

"But I did." He answered after a moment, "I must have." He added, less certainty in his voice. He looked away from me, his voice under more control now. "I must have done something to you and your life if you were too scared, too afraid, to tell me about what we had... There must have been a reason why you wanted to take this chance to leave me." And then his voice fell with that sentence to a tone I'd only heard a few times before. I stayed quiet to hear the rest. "I don't remember much, and what I do remember doesn't make much sense, but I can remember how I felt." He was quieter when he said the next sentence, "Everything felt... perfect."

My heart stuttered.

"But I must have been too blinded by… what I wanted... to see you wanted something else, that you wanted a way out of the twisted life I'd given you." That guilt, that shame, in his voice brought back a lot of my own memories, but my mind flickered at those last words.

I took a step forward. He had been looking over the water as he had spoken just now, but I wasn't going to take my eyes off him.

"I didn't want anything else." I corrected him. "Even though I worried and whined and complained your ears off every day, and I lied to everyone every day, I did it because what I wanted was only what I could have with you."

"Sakura-" He tried to stop me from saying more, taking a step back as if he didn't want to hear anything else.
I couldn't stand the thought of him not knowing this, so I didn't stop.

"Even now you have no idea how many times we've had this conversation. You always thought you were taking advantage of me, and I would have to tell you again and again and again that…" I paused to see him turn his head towards me a little, as if he was hanging onto my next words, "… you couldn't take advantage of me even if you wanted to." I finished with a little smile.

I thought I could actually see a wave of relief wash over him and something like a smile threaten his lips under that mask before he tensed again as soon as I started my next sentence.

"And after the overdose, I couldn't bring myself to tell you about us because I was too afraid that you'd regret what we had." The words that had been burning a hole in my mind seemed to float out of my mouth and into the breeze effortlessly compared to how heavy they'd been in me. "I was afraid, that after I told you, you'd do everything you could to try and forget again."

At that he looked at me. I suddenly felt my heart give a few awkward thuds just like they did the day I figured out my feelings for him. I felt like I was standing in that forest again, admitting my feelings for him, waiting for him to turn me down and avoid me for the years to come.

"I tried to." It was my turn to feel some shock when he said that. "I started to figure things out on my own and every time I got close to the truth I tried not to listen. I didn't want it to be true."

And there it was: that pain I had put off for this long. It wasn't a searing pain like I thought it would be, it was a dull blow of disappointment.
So, in the end, his feelings for me were only a fluke in the first place… a lucky mistake. I guess a second chance was too much to ask for.
And just as if he had gone back in time to that day in the forest and told me exactly what I was so afraid to hear, "It's only a crush, you'll get over it", I felt that disappointment spread into heart, stomach, and limbs sharply.

I let a half-smile pull at the corner of my mouth, "I understand", my voice broke with a crack that sounded too sad, but nowhere near enough to reflect my actual feelings.

"No, that's not-" He spoke up with only a hint of awkwardness, as if he couldn't figure out what to say to soften the emotional blow for me when he was going to tell me he thought it was best to forget what had happened between us.

"It's fine, really, don't worry about it." I didn't want to hear him actually say it, I'd rather just leave it at this. I turned to walk away and take some time to deal with this, until he stopped me.

"Sakura." I felt his hand close on mine, anchoring me to him strongly. "Listen." He ordered.

I didn't want to, but I decided that it would be best to start following orders again now that we were probably on our way back to being simply captain and subordinate again. The thought alone tugged moisture out of my tear ducts without my consent.

"I didn't want it to be true because of what I thought it meant. I was afraid of what kind of man I'd become, of what I'd done to you, of whether or not I had more brain damage than I thought," His voice had humor, I tried to let it comfort me. "But I was most afraid of what it meant you were going through."

My heart took that cue to start pounding against my ribcage.

"If what you felt for me wasn't forced, if you felt even a fraction of what I did. It must have been painful. Seeing me every day, knowing everything you did..." His voice had pride in it, but something else, too...

Again the moisture pushed itself into a film over my eyes, I fought it back. I almost couldn't let myself believe his voice, that tone. I hadn't heard that tone in so long, the warmth behind it, that affection. It seemed to foreign to me, but so familiar I couldn't really understand how much it meant to me.

We both took a moment. I didn't say anything. I only let my eyes wander between his masked face and his hand on mine.
His voice picked up again when he saw me looking at his hand.

"But I guess this is our crossroads." His voice was different, calmer now, "Sakura…" I listened intently, loving the sound of his voice saying my name, still looking at his hand, "… Now that we're at something of a breaking point, I think your life would be more comfortable if we took a few years to…" His hand twitched, as if he was thinking of letting go. I couldn't let him do that.

Again, my brain acted before I could give it permission, but this time it didn't matter.

The moment I felt my arm tense and pull him forward, the moment I felt the silhouette of his lips on my own, I had no doubt that there was anything else in the world I'd rather be doing in that moment.

He felt completely motionless for a moment, a moment that would've filled me with dread if I wasn't already so completely drunk off of finally feeling him this close to me again.

I knew we were going to have an altogether different conversation as soon as this one-sided kiss ended, but I didn't care in this moment. All I cared about was this freedom, the freedom to touch him again.

I would deal with the moment after this one as soon as it got here, but for now… all I cared about was the one I was living in, which was one where I could kiss him like this again.

… … … … … … … … … … … …

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

This is not the end, of course, but it is the beginning of the end.

I'll try and update this again soon. : )