December 15: 1995
10 days until Christmas…
"Incendio!" cried Bellatrix, jabbing her wand at the fruitcake on the Death Eater meeting table.
It was engulfed in tongues of fire, which quickly extinguished, leaving behind a pristine and untouched brick of flour and candied fruit.
Snape swept everyone else aside with a flourish of his cloak. "Allow me."
He gently tipped a bottle of a syrupy dark green potion onto the cake. It evaporated with a loud hiss as it touched the surface.
Lucius shoved him out of the way. "No, no, you're doing it all wrong. Diffindo!"
There was a loud crack as the table split. The fruitcake fell to the floor unharmed.
"Crucio!"
"Stupefy!"
"Avada Kedavra!"
"Lumos!"
Everyone stared at Peter, who held up his lit wand apologetically. "What? I don't know any fancy schmancy spells like you guys!"
"What is going on?" Voldemort bellowed, storming into the room in his evil-villain-dramatic-entrance. "I can't even hear the Sesame Street reruns over all the noise you imbeciles are making!"
Bellatrix bowed stiffly. "My Lord, we will be honored to silence ourselves so you can, er, watch your Sesame Street reruns."
"Kiss up," Lucius snorted. Goyle and Crabbe passed gas in agreement.
"I meant I couldn't hear myself thinking of diabolical plans to kill Harry Potter," Voldemort corrected, blushing very red for someone so pale.
"I mean no disrespect," interjected Dolohov, "but if you haven't been able to kill him for fifteen years, what makes you think you'll be able to kill him now?"
"Ooh, ooh!" Rookwood jumped around wildly with his hand raised. "Pick me!"
Voldemort sighed. "Yes, Rookwood?"
"Harry Potter is like fruitcake!" Rookwood exclaimed.
"Sorry?" Voldemort asked. "Run that by me again."
"Fruitcake is indestructible. You can't do anything to it," Rookwood started. "Like Harry Potter. You'll never be able to kill him. Fruitcake and Harry Potter are like the things in life that you wish you could get rid of but can't. You just have to suck it up and hope for the best. Once you accept your problems, you can live in harmony with nature. Not too much yin, not too much yang. It's the key to inner peace!"
He stopped, breathless. Peter started clapping enthusiastically, his metal hand clanging, until he realized no one else was applauding with him.
Voldemort coughed awkwardly. "Well, thank you, Rookwood. I think I'll get back to Sesa- I mean, plotting."
"What?" Rookwood asked the silent room of Death Eaters. "Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I'm stupid like Macnair here."
Macnair grunted.
Narcissa cleared her throat. "Well, anyone want some fruitcake?"