"Agent David has been through things that you and I can't even imagine. And, she knows what it is like to be controlled." Ducky explained.

"I'm not sure I wanna open up those wounds, Duck." Gibbs said seriously, not knowing exactly though what wounds she had.

She didn't tell them.

"I know what it is like to be under the control of a man. To feel like you have no power. And the only way to get that power back is to shut down. You tell yourself, you must shut down. You tell yourself, to never show any emotion, to anybody. I know what that is like. It is the only way you can survive. I also know what it is like, to...want to seek revenge." Ziva related with Gunnery Sergeant Wooten.

Somalia? Somalia.

"Ducky?" Ziva called out into the autopsy room.

"Ah, my dear. What brings you here? Where are Anthony and McGee?" Ducky inquired, sitting in his own seat next to an empty autopsy table.

Autopsy had nearly been engulfed in total darkness, the kind that seemed never ending where the walls never appeared to close in. The only source of light that had permitted any vision was the one above the autopsy table where Ducky was standing by. The rest of autopsy was very dimly lit. At the far end, Ziva could make out a dark figure lying on the furthest autopsy table. She assumed it was Ducky's latest body.

"They went to the arcade with Nick, the boy who has been using McGee's credit cards. He called me a smoking hot chick." Ziva air-quoted with her fingers.

But that wasn't what she was here for. She had developed a mixture of feelings that surmised from handling the Wooten case, and she needed someone to talk to. Lucky for her, Ducky fit the bill perfectly. That was why she was here.

"Can I ask you a question Ducky?" She asked, waiting for an answer.

Her voice reverberated in her own ears as the cold air from the air-conditioners blew down the back of her neck, causing an involuntary shiver. She advanced towards Ducky who shifted his seat slightly backward, giving her some space. She perched herself on the autopsy table, sitting right in front of Ducky as her legs dangled off the edge.

"Ask away my dear." Ducky answered kindly, leaning forward.

"Were you the one who told Gibbs to send me to question Gunnery Sergeant Wooten?"

"Yes I did. Do you blame me?" Ducky said hesitantly, slight guilt creeping up his back.

"No! No. Of course not." Ziva answered quickly because that wasn't the case at all.

"How did you know it was me though?"

"Well I know Gibbs well enough. He treads around the Somalia incident lightly like he is stepping around glass. He would not have made it an option to himself to send me to question Wooten. He cares too much."

"Which is a good thing." She added quickly.

"And so it led me to you, because I think Gibbs trusts your psychological judgment. I do not think you would have given him that suggestion if you did not believe I was ready." She continued, glancing at Ducky from time to time.

"I had faith that you'd be ready." Ducky patted her knee encouragingly.

"I guess I was." Ziva smiled softly in return.

"Come to think of it, they all make it a conscious point not to talk about it. They may not know it, but I am aware of the effort they are making. I know." She broke eye contact with Ducky.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Not really. I appreciate it. Very much actually. But I still do not like to talk about it."

"It's normal my dear. Nobody likes to talk about their bad experiences."

Silence filled autopsy momentarily.

"Did you tell Gibbs anything else?" Ziva looked at Ducky again with insecure eyes.

Of course Ducky knew what she was referring to. "I would never. I promised you I wouldn't, did I not?"

"Yes you did. Doctor-patient confidentiality. I remember." Ziva laughed.

Flashback

Abby touched Ziva's face gently, making sure that she was here in the flesh and not just a figment of everone's imagination. Relief overwhelmed the forensic whiz as she embraced her friend, thankful for her safe return. She was alive.

Ziva's face was devoid of any expression. It all seemed so surreal. To be back with the team. To be surrounded once again with familiar faces. It was hard to feel anything. She had shut down.

Ziva felt Abby's hands press their two bodies closer, and her own hands grew minds of their own as they lightly returned the hug. Physically she was there. But her mind, not so much. There were hands clapping as much as eyes were watching. She didn't pay attention though. Everything was just a blur.

After some time, the crowd had dissipated while Abby still clung onto her. Gibbs and Tony were staring at the two from their desks, but mostly at Ziva. She had been staring into nothing all that while. And they were worried. She had indeed shut down.

"Abigail, I need Ziva to come with me." Ducky spoke first, breaking the silence.

"I'm so glad you're back." Abby said and released her hold on Ziva, stepping back.

Ziva couldn't count on speaking right now, and instead mustered a very small smile which Abby would have missed if she wasn't standing as close as she was.

"Come on my dear. To autopsy." Ducky gently instructed.

Ziva obediently followed, head hanging. The rest of the team stayed put. It was better if she was alone with Ducky.

Ziva felt tired. She didn't want to speak, she didn't want to think, she didn't want to feel. It was all too tough. She hadn't spoken to anyone since she left the compounds of that terrorist camp. She kept her distance on the plane ride back, shaking or nodding her head as her only means of communication.

Her stand hadn't changed. She was ready to die back in Somalia, and so was she, even back here in NCIS. She hadn't been able to shake off the want of being dead. It was simply overwhelming. She didn't know what Ducky even wanted with her, but she didn't care anymore.

Ziva was absorbed in her thoughts till she heard the doors to autopsy open. She raise her head slightly, proceeding to follow Ducky in, but she couldn't take a step any further.

Ducky heard the footsteps behind him cease. "Come my dear." He beckoned with his hand.

Ziva shook her head in refusal.

"Why, what's wrong?" Ducky asked in concern as he walked back out of autopsy.

"The lights." She said with a quiet voice, visibly embarrassed.

Realisation dawned upon Ducky. It seemed that Ziva had grown to fear the dark. He never felt so sorry for anybody before. She didn't deserve this. In a course of just 4 months, their hardcore Mossad sweetheart had been tortured into being afraid and emotionally detached.

He switched on all the lights possible in autopsy, and Ziva walked in automatically after deeming the place bright enough. She dragged her feet along as the autopsy doors closed behind her.

Ducky watches as she locked the autopsy doors and dropped herself to the floor right there. She sat leaning against the cool material of the doors, legs outstretched in front of her.

"My dear, what's wrong?" Ducky went to her side as quick as he could be for his age.

Ziva's brows were knitted together, as her teeth grinded against one another.

"Are you hurting somewhere?" He asked as he hands moved to check whatever skin he could lay his eyes upon.

"Do not touch me." She warned as her arms pushed herself further away from Ducky.

"I just want to check on your injuries."

She kept mum. She would have expected the rest to tell Ducky that she dislocated the shoulder of the doctor who tried to come within an inch of her.

"I don't think you'll hurt me." He continued.

Ah, they really did tell him.

"I will. I cannot control my actions." She spoke through a clenched jaw.

"Yes you can. I'm going to hold your hand now and my shoulder is going to be perfectly in place."

Ziva looked down at her hands in her lap as Ducky's grandfatherly hands covered one of hers. Even the slightest of contact caused her to tense up and flinch as she fought the engulfing urge to pull away.

"It's okay Ziva. You're doing well." Ducky encouraged as he saw the guilt flicker across her countenance.

He knew she felt bad for flinching at the contact of a familiar face.

Ducky sat down beside her against the doors, giving a sigh as all his weight fell onto the floor. "Will you let me check on you now? You haven't been checked."

She didn't reply. She had no intention of moving from her spot on the floor. Ducky was assessing her psychologically right there. The synopsis was clear. She shut down. And she wasn't trying to 'un-shut' herself at all.

TBC

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