"I want something permanent. Something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?" Ziva asked with a quivering voice, unshed tears visible under the lighting.
"This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That doc, is closure. The rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories." He advised as he stood in his basement with Kate's sister.
Ziva was coping with the raging emotions within herself. Having a talk with Doctor Rachel Cranston brought out feelings that she didn't want to face. It made her face reality. And it was a darn harsh one.
It was true. Everything that mattered to her in her life had been taken away from her, one by one. Her mother, her sister, her brother, her friends. And the people she trusted had a tendency to betray her. Was she really that bad? Was she that unworthy of anything permanent in her life?
The fact that Doctor Cranston was Kate Todd's sister didn't help things. Its sole purpose, to Ziva, was just to emphasise on the regret that she didn't stop Ari on time. She knew that Kate was a sensitive spot for those who really knew her. Gibbs, Tony, Ducky, Abby and McGee. The rest of the team, except her. She saw their sad faces when they came to know about Doctor Cranston's relationship with Kate, because it caused old memories to resurface.
Ziva was leaning against the sinks in the women's restroom. Actually, she was in hiding. Why? Because she felt out of place. Before she snuck into the restroom, she saw Gibbs, Tony, McGee, Ducky and Abby huddling together in a group. She could hear sad chuckles as they shared their own memories of their dear friend Kate. She didn't belong there.
It was their time to grieve, and she shouldn't be there. It was their group moment. She needed to escape the guilt that held her back here. Because of her brother's actions, her friends lost a person dear to them. She couldn't help but feel responsible.
Sighing heavily, she headed for the exit. But not before giving the solid wall a hard punch. Nope, that did nothing to suppress her guilt. Instead, she got herself sore red knuckles that throbbed away. Well that was dumb.
As she emerged from the restroom, she saw the same group of people still huddled together. Gibbs had a melancholic look in his eyes as he listened to Tony and McGee recount happy memories with Kate. Abby looked dejected, and Ducky had an air of nostalgia around him.
She knew that they'd be too caught up with Kate to notice her. She slipped out of the bullpen, taking the stairs to get out of the place. To hell with her belongings. She could get them back the next day anyways. It wasn't like anyone would want to steal her go-bag.
Now what? She had to get some beer. Next stop? She had somebody to visit.
She got into her car and threw her phone in the backseat unceremoniously.
"I won't ever forget Kate." Abby said with a sad smile.
"I don't think any one of us will Abigail." Ducky agreed.
"She was a good friend." McGee nodded.
"She was a great partner." Tony looked into the distance.
"She was one hell of an agent." Gibbs said with a stoic face.
Finally a comfortable silence settled between all of them.
"One good thing came out if it though." McGee reminded.
"You're joking right?" Abby gave him the evil eye.
"Just let me finish. If what happened didn't happen, there wouldn't be Ziva."
"If you put it that way, then I agree McGee!" She gave him a smile.
She couldn't help but agree. Ziva had grown to be a very important member in their dysfunctional family which worked out. And as they had established when she was in Somalia, Ziva David was irreplaceable.
"To be honest, I think she would have been dead by now. I don't reckon the life expectancy in Mossad to be very high." Ducky came to a conjuncture.
Everyone grimaced at the hard truth.
"Then I'm glad that Kate's departure made a difference in another person's life." Abby proceeded to say.
"Kate would have been happy to know that." McGee replied.
"Yeah, if things didn't go the way it did, we probably wouldn't get to know that little minx." Tony laughed.
"Aren't you afraid she'll kick your ass if she heard you call her a little minx?" McGee whispered amusedly.
A little Tony whooping would certainly be an eye-opener. In a fun way.
"Ahh she's behind me isn't she?" Tony cringed as he whipped his head around.
No she wasn't there. His finding eyes looked at her desk from where he was sitting on the edge of Gibbs' desk.
All he saw was an empty seat. And as the rest turned their attention to where Tony was looking, it was all that they saw too.
"I thought she was sitting there a few minutes ago." Tony tapped his chin with his finger.
"You mean like two hours ago?" McGee frowned.
"What? We've been talking for that long?" Abby piped up.
"Maybe she left already." McGee reasoned.
"Well her belongings are still there." Ducky noticed.
"Well it's about time we left. I'm gonna give her a call, so we can all leave together." Tony concluded.
He flipped open his phone and hit speed dial. And he waited.
"Huh. That's weird, she isn't picking up."
"I'll try this time." McGee offered.
As he held the phone to his ear, he waited.
"Nope, not answering."
Gibbs took his phone out of his own accord and called his agent. He waited. No answer.
His brows furrowed as he sighed. "Same here."
This was unusual. Didn't he repeat it time and time again? Never be unreachable.
"Maybe she's just catching a nap somewhere. I'll check the restroom." Abby said as she scurried along in her platforms.
"I'll check...the other restroom." Tony said awkwardly.
Well, Ziva did have a tendency to intrude on him in the guy's restroom sometimes.
"I'll check Abby's lab." McGee took some initiative.
"And I'll check autopsy." Ducky turned and left.
Gibbs stood in the middle of the bullpen as he ran through in his head the reasons why Ziva wasn't here, or answering her calls.
Hopefully she might have just fallen asleep somewhere. Or maybe something bad happened. Under his nose in NCIS? No way.
He didn't manage to think any further as Abby and Tony made their way back.
"She's not in the girl's restroom." Abby said first.
"She definitely isn't in the guy's restroom. Not that umm...she'd be there uhh, you know...normally." Tony scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.
At this point, McGee and Ducky came back as well.
"Not in Abby's lab." McGee said.
"Not in autopsy either." Ducky's tone was concerned.
Having studied psychology, he probably figured that the arrival of Kate's sister and the fact that she had managed to evaluate Ziva might have upset her. And Ziva was one that couldn't be predicted easily. Who knows what she might have gotten into in her current mental state? Whatever state that was.
"Where can she be? She's usually a stickler for Gibbs' rules. But she's breaking one right now, never be unreachable! Do you think something or someone is stopping her from answering her phone? Oh gosh is it time to panic? Because I'm not waiting for it. I'm panicking now." Abby rambled worriedly.
"Let's not jump to any conclusions yet Abby. I think Ziva can take care of herself." McGee tried to calm Abby down.
"Then why is she missing?" Abby asked.
Ducky put some of his psychological expertise to work and gave his input.
"I personally think that Ziva was forced to face some things she'd rather not face when Doctor Rachel Cranston appeared, her being Kate's sister. And I don't know what they discussed during their talk, but Ziva did seem particularly down when it ended."
"Do you think she's upset because of us? Oh god, we've been horrible friends! Ever since Rachel arrived, all we did was talk about Kate. Non-stop. Like we just did. I didn't realise." Abby rambled yet again.
"I'd hate to admit it but I think it's true." McGee's tone was laced with some guilt.
"I hope she doesn't do anything rash." Ducky mumbled under his breath.
"What the hell are you talking about Ducky? Ziva isn't like that!" Tony exclaimed in shock.
Ducky was taken aback for a split second. He didn't think anybody had heard him, but apparently he wasn't very soft.
"I actually don't know Anthony. Have you not realised she's been more in touch with her emotions ever since she came back from the desert? There are still things that have remained untouched, and unfortunately we still do not know what they are." Ducky explained.
"Ziva is only human. There is always a limit to what we can take. I honestly do not know when Ziva will snap." Ducky continued with a heavy heart.
"You're scaring me Ducky. She doesn't look like that to me." Tony's face was contorted weirdly in slight disbelief.
"Looks can be deceiving." Ducky shook his head slowly.
"We have to do something!" Abby said a tad frantically.
"McGee, run a search on Zi-" Gibbs ordered, only to be interrupted by the shrill ring of his phone.
He gestured for McGee to wait as he answered the phone. "Gibbs."
"Agent Gibbs, I have someone you may be looking for."
Ziva had stopped by the convenience store and bought herself a six-pack. Her being was dormant with guilt. She felt indirectly responsible for Kate's death, and thus indirectly responsible for the sadness her team was feeling. She knew where she had to head next.
Arriving at her destination, she stepped out of her car with the six-pack in hand. She was twistedly mesmerised by the stretch of green grass in the dark, which was peppered by the numerous headstones of fallen heroes of their time.
She stopped at one of them. Caitlin Todd. She was at the right place. She stood there staring at the name engraved there, as brown leaves flung harmlessly at the cold stone under the light nightly breeze.
Right there, she felt the shame enshrouding her. This wonderful agent had been six foot under for six years, because of her.
She dropped herself into a sitting position on the grass, facing the grave of one Agent Todd. She took out one can of beer and opened it, placing it right in front of the headstone. She then took out another one and opened it up for herself.
"You drink beer?" She asked the stone.
Of course, there was no reply.
"I will take that as a yes." She knocked her own can of beer lightly with the one standing before the head stone.
She took one big gulp, exhaling loudly.
"I do not think I have introduced myself. I am Ziva David, the person who took your place."
TBC
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By the way have you seen the promo for 9x15? Tony is kissing some person that is not Ziva! Kills me shipper heart :(