Chapter 2
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the following premises that the Naruto characters find themselves in. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I own that.
As I said before, if you find a drabble in this slew of stupidity that you want to expand on, then by all means have at it. Seeing how other people change and pervert my ideas is a lot more fun, and admittedly less stressful, than perverting said ideas myself.
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If Chikaru didn't die...
Naruto sat on the sturdiest branch of a tree near his home, trying to shake the ominous feeling that he'd been having all day. While waking up to the feeling of his wife snuggled next to him was always a great way to start a day, ever since he'd gotten out of bed, he'd felt something wrong was going to happen. It was this reason that he'd asked her to take their daughter into the village for the day. He was glad that she'd been meaning to go visit Mitsu Norinaga down at the ramen stand, or she'd have been a lot more stubborn about his request.
"Niisan, I'm done with my warm-ups." Doki said, bringing him out of his wandering thoughts. Naruto nodded and they headed out to the forest. Almost as soon as they'd arrived at the clearing they used to practice now, Naruto was forced to dodge a massive sword.
"Hey Kisame, been awhile, hasn't it." Said man grinned his shark like grin, and replied.
"Yep, you've grown up." He said, impressed. "Even got yourself a student, I see."
"I take it Itachi is finally gonna let you chop off a few limbs." Kisame grinned wider at that. "Doki, stay out of this."
"Hai, niisan." Doki took to the trees to watch.
"Shall we, old man." Naruto asked.
"You know, it's a shame you've got a biju." Kisame said, unwrapping Sameheda. "I always liked running into you, it was fun."
"Tch, I probably would have filled out an application if I didn't have to worry about getting captured." Naruto retorted.
"Well, time for talk is over, I got other things to do." With that, the two ninja got it on.
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As Itachi entered the clearing where he had sensed the fighting, he was shocked to find Kisame's corpse lying on the ground.
"So, you killed Kisame, how unfortunate." Itachi said, no emotion on his face.
"Yeah, but don't think for a moment that you're going to take me that easily." Naruto said, dropping to the ground behind him, swiftly putting a kunai to his throat.
"It would seem we have greatly underestimated your growth potential." Itachi said. "Fine, do what you must." The fatalistic way that he'd said it brought Naruto up short. With a quick Shunshin, he was standing ten feet in front of Itachi.
"No, I want some answers first." Itachi raised an emotionless eyebrow. "Something has been bugging me since I met you." Naruto revealed. "You say your purpose is to capture me, yet you've made no real attempt to do so. You've gone through the motions of trying to capture, true, but you haven't really tried." Itachi, for the first time in years, smiled.
"Figured that out, have you?" He asked. "May I ask what gave me away?"
"It took me awhile, but I began to notice things." Naruto explained. "The first time, at that hotel, you spent an unusually long time talking to me. Had you really wanted to take me, you could have easily knocked me out with a Genjutsu or beat me senseless the same way you did Sasuke, and left before Ero-Sennin even showed up. Even still, you and Kisame could have taken him then. Instead of using it to escape, you could have captured him in, or blocked him off with, Amaterasu, and been done with it. Then there was the thing with Gaara. With just me, Kakashi, Sakura, and Chiyo-baa, it wouldn't have been to hard. Create a pair of Kage Bunshin, one to keep the ladies busy, one to keep Kakashi busy, and one to take me. That Genjutsu you put me in would have knocked me out, had it had the chance to, and you could have easily made off with me while the others stalled. You could have had both me and Gaara all in one go. And even now, not only did you allow me to fight Kisame one on one, when you could have double teamed me, but you have me trapped in a Genjutsu. If you really intended to capture me, you would have done so by now. What I want to know, is why?"
"The truth is, I was on an S-rank mission to infiltrate the Akatsuki." Itachi said. "My mission was two fold, to find out what they were really up to, and to stall your capture as long as possible. I have come to warn you, this will be my last attempt on you. The leader of our organization will come for you next. Stay on your guard, he's the leader for a reason. Now I must go, I have a destiny to die by Sasuke's hand."
"Do you really think he can beat you?" Itachi remained stoic, but gave a painful answer.
"No, but as you said, I'm good at going through the motions." Itachi then drew a kunai, and slashed his palm. "Before I go, I have one last gift for you." Faster than Naruto could see, Itachi swiped at Naruto, splashing blood in his eyes, and began doing rapid hand seals. As soon as he finished, Naruto's eyes began to develop a searing pain. "I just hope you never have to use it." With that, the Genjutsu was lifted, and he was gone. While Naruto could still feel some irritation in his eyes, it was nothing like the pain of before. A second later, Doki dropped down from the trees.
"What was that, nii-san?" He asked.
"Just an old friend, with some information." He replied, picking up Kisame's sword, and sealing it in with his Giant Fuuma and Windmill Shuriken. "Let's head back home." All the while, Naruto kept thinking, 'Could this day possibly get any worse?' He would know the answer to that question, upon his arrival.
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As they neared the house, Naruto tensed, sensing some very familiar chakra signatures.
"Doki, go get Chikaru and Kushina." He said, getting a questioning look from his little brother. "Tell her that I'm going to start lunch if she doesn't hurry back." Doki snickered at that. He remembered the last time Naruto had tried to cook lunch, and the fit that his sister had thrown at his audacity. To Chikaru, the idea of her husband slaving in the kitchen was blasphemy. The only excuse she'd except was if it was a surprise or a romantic gesture. Doki headed in the opposite direction down the path to the village, while Naruto continued towards the house. As he entered the gate, he felt the tension pick up in the air. There, standing on their porch, was a scarecrow looking man, with silver hair that defied gravity. His clothing was what Naruto would describe as typical Jounin ninja. The only thing that distinguished him, was his hair, and the ninja headband pulled down over his left eye.
Naruto was not happy to see his former sensei. It wasn't anything personal, but he was opposed to seeing anyone from Konoha, aside from a certain three. Even after twelve years, he was still sore about being banished for doing his job. What's more, he got banished for crippling Sasuke with the Rasengan, yet the Council, led by that one armed mummy, so conveniently overlooked the fact that Sasuke used the Chidori to put his hand through his chest. Useless bastards, all of them.
"Hello Naruto, long time no see." Kakashi said, putting away his book. "You know, you were a very hard person to find. It even took Jiraiya several years to find you."
"That was the point of going so far away from Konoha." Naruto said. Seeing this was going downhill already, Kakashi tried a different approach.
"Well, it's good to see you again." Kakashi said.
"I wish I could say the same thing." Naruto replied. "Nothing personal, you understand."
"Perfectly well," Kakashi started. "They had no right, or authority, to banish you." Giving an eye smile, he added. "Which is actually why I'm here. Tsunade sent me to find you, and bring you back."
"What makes you think I want to come back?" Naruto asked.
"I thought you'd be glad for the chance to come home." Kakashi said.
"I am home you one eyed pervert." Naruto said. "Had you said something the last time I saw you, or even come for me five years ago, I might have considered it, but now I'd rather let the Akatsuki capture me." Kakashi visibly winced at that. Finally realizing that he was out of peaceful options, Kakashi lifted his hitai-ate.
"Our orders are to bring you back. I didn't want to have to resort to this, but I will if necessary." Naruto gave him a foxy grin.
"What makes you think that you can?" Naruto asked. "I'm not that little brat you neglected as a Genin." Naruto was startled when a lazy voice behind him said.
"Kage Mane, success." Kakashi smirked.
"Good job Shikamaru." He said. "You see Naruto, we came prepared." Kakashi said. "We knew you had great potential, just from how much you improved before you left, and we compensated for it." He was shocked when Naruto smirked. Then, to the shock of all, Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Obviously, you didn't compensate enough." Came a voice from on top of the roof. The group turned to see Naruto, with the young man, and a bloody, unconscious Ino slung over his shoulder. "Now, how about we talk like civilized folk?"
"What did you do to her?" Sakura yelled.
"Nothing, I just tested out the new version of my Sexy Jutsu." Naruto said. "This one is designed to take out female perverts. As Ino here proved, it works." A quick Shunshin, and Naruto returned to the ground, setting Ino down.
"I told you it would take more than two teams." Shikamaru said. "So troublesome."
"Now just why the hell do you want me to come back so badly?" Naruto asked. "Are your people in charge realizing just how stupid they were? Did they finally figure out that without the threat of a Jinchuuriki, other villages wouldn't be so fearful of attacking them?" Naruto smirked at the shocked looks on their faces. "Yes, I've heard things even while on the move; especially when you have emissaries from other villages who heard about my banishment, and were trying to recruit me. Some, like Orochimaru, actually thought they could win me over with some whacked out scheme to get revenge." Noticing the fearful looks, he grinned. "Don't worry, I told them no, although some people don't take rejection very well. I can honestly sympathize with you kunoichi; some people just don't understand that no means no." He got a chuckle from Chouji, and an eye smile from Kakashi.
"Please Naruto, we really need you to come back with us." Sakura pleaded. "We'll do anything." Naruto inwardly laughed at her tone. Just a few years ago, hearing that from her would have given him a big enough woody to tear his pants.
"Sakura, I'm a married with a daughter." He said. "I don't need you to do anything for me."
"Naruto-kun." A sweet, melodic voice called. Once she and the two other with her made it to the house, Chikaru noticed the others there. "Oh, hello."
"Naruto, who is this?!" Sakura asked.
"How rude of me." Naruto replied. "This is my wife, Chikaru, her little brother Doki, and my daughter Kushina." The little girl waved enthusiastically at the group.
"Naruto-kun, are we having guests for lunch?" She asked hopefully. Seeing the Konoha ninja staring at the woman in shock, Naruto grinned.
"I'm not quite sure." Naruto said. "Are you guys staying for lunch?" Kakashi eventually nodded his consent.
"That's wonderful, if you'll all come inside." Chikaru said, about to do so herself. A sudden blur ended the friendly atmosphere. A pale boy dressed in all black- his shirt a questionable croptop- held his wife with the blade of a ninjato to her throat.
"Sai, what are you doing?" Kakashi asked.
"I see Danzo sends his regards." The blade pressed harder, drawing a trickle of blood.
"Gomen Uzumaki-kun," The cheap Sasuke imitation known as Sai gave him a fake smile. "But we have orders to bring you back at any cost. I ask that you please comply for your family's sake."
"If baachan gave you those orders, then I'm guessing she meant throwing your dignity aside, and begging profusely." Naruto said. "But since this is more that old mummies style, I'm guessing you're one of Danzo's pawns."
"Shit!" Kakashi exclaimed, knowing that this had officially gone down the crapper.
"Doki, take Kushina inside." As Doki ushered the small girl, she, much like her father, protested missing something cool.
"But I wanna stay with momma and daddy." She said pouting.
"Sorry pumpkin." Naruto said. "But daddy has to do something that you aren't big enough to see." Kushina thought for a second.
"Like when you and mommy do naked hugs?" Naruto and Chikaru both blushed. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Doki snorted. Knowing how his daughter felt about that particular -icky- Naruto went with it.
"Yes, something like that." The girl made a face, and immediately stopped struggling. Doki scooped her up, and carried her inside to get ready for lunch. "Now that inocent eyes are away, let me make two things clear. If anything happens to my wife, I will see to both you and Konoha will regret it. Second, by making threats to my family, you have guaranteed not only that you will die, but that I won't be doing anything for Konoha."
"You would allow your loved one to die?" Sai asked confused. Naruto only continued to stare, before smirking.
"Chikaru, if you would." If he hadn't seen Doki do it hundreds of times, he would have missed it. Naruto noticed the glint in his wife's eye as her bloodline activated. Sai tightened his hold with the knife, but when she didn't move, he relaxed a bit. "Now, you die." Naruto moved with a speed that none but Kakashi had ever seen before. In a split second, Naruto was behind Sai, shoving a kunai into the base of his skull. To their shock, he began dissolving into ink.
There was suddenly a crash from the house. Naruto disappeared into the house using that same mach speed from before. He found the Sasuke wannabe on the ground writhing in agony. With a look of confusing on his face, he addressed Doki.
"Uh, what happened?"
"It seems that we have something to celebrate." Doki informed him. "Kushina activated our bloodline."
"Yep, and I singded like mommy and daddy showed me." She gushed while Naruto channeled some of the fox's chakra, and healed the small gash on her throat.
"Well, she actually SIGNed, but she got the gist of it." Doki said. "She even kicked him two more times for good measure. You'd have been so proud."
"Sing?" Kakashi asked.
"It's a technique for when someone grabs you from behind." Naruto replied walking over to the groaning Sai. "Elbow to the Solar Plexux, stomp on the instep, punch to the nose, then a kick or knee to the groin. SING." Given the girl's stature, it was more like GING, but that's not really the point now is it.
"Hmm, that's actually good advice." Kakashi said. "Would you mind if I shared that with Tsunade-sama" Naruto shrugged, before kicking the downed man in the groin again, further adding to his agony.
"In the interest of not making a mess of my wife's carefully maintained kitchen, I'm not going to kill you." Naruto then kicked the man in the face, rendering him unconscious. "At least, not yet."
After a wonderful lunch, which had Chouji wishing he could stay, the Konoha group set out. As they made their way back home, Kakashi was trying to figure out how to explain how they lost a teammate on a simple diplomatic retrieval.
Flashback
The group from Konoha was further shocked when Jiraiya showed up. When asked why, he revealed that Tsunade had very little faith that they'd succeed. Not to mention, any excuse to visit and have Chikaru's cooking was a good one. While he still couldn't convince Naruto to come back, he did get him to agree to something. No one but he and Jiraiya knew what it was.
As soon as lunch was over with, they woke Sai back up. He was nearly swiftly reintegrated with the sensation again when the beautiful, busty wife of Uzumaki descended upon him.
"Pervert!" She yelled, breaking Sai's nose. At Naruto's raised eyebrow, she spat. "I know what a kunai feels like, and I know what a penis feels like. That was not a kunai being pressed into by behind when he grabbed me. As soon as the words left her mouth, Sai was successfully reintegrated with unconsciousness.
Instead of trying that again, Naruto, Kakashi, and Jiraiya drugthe boy into the forest to interrogate him. Unfortunately, Danzo had drilled into his minion's head that they should kill themselves instead of facing interrogation. Tearing open a cyanide packet hidden in a tooth, the questionably dressed young man was dead in moments.
"Damn." Jiraiya said. "I was hoping we could get something on Danzo that we could finally use to get rid of that traitorous bastard."
"Why not just do it, and be done with it?" Naruto asked.
"Because accusing someone of treason, even if you know they are a traitor, without proof can end badly, and it gives away the fact that you're onto them."
"Well, luckily for you, I don't have to worry about those rules." Naruto said. "If you'll excuse us Kakashi, the grown ups need to talk."
Flashback ending
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When Kakashi and his group made it back, he was rather fearful of the wrath he would face. And he was right to be so. Tsunade ended up knocking him through the wall, in the direction of the hospital. After learning of the suspected Danzo minion, she ordered Shizune to find Jiraiya.
"What's up hime?" Jiraiya asked.
"Please tell me you had more success than they did." She almost begged.
"Sorry, Tsunade, but he wouldn't budge." He reached into his vest, and pulled a scroll out. "But he did send this, with instructions to give it to Gaara. He said that hopefully this will work. If not, then it sucks to be us."
"Guess it's time to call the council." Tsunade said.
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Later, Council Chambers...
"Tsunade, do you bring us good news?" Asked a fat man in garish robes. "Where is Uzumaki-kun? We have not heard of his arrival."
"Naruto's not coming back, end of story." Tsunade said.
"What, why?" Another member, obviously civilian asked.
"Do you really need to ask that question?" Shikaku asked. "Troublesome."
"Luckily for your continued health, Naruto sent a message to Gaara as it pertains to the treaty signing." She said. "If it works, then we'll have a new treaty with Suna. If it doesn't, then all of you who had a part in banishing Naruto will be visiting Ibiki...after you get out of the hospital." It wasn't much longer before the meeting broke up, the civilians steering well clear of Tsunade.
As he was exiting the room, Danzo found Jiraiya's hand on his shoulder.
"Naruto asked me to give this to you personally." Danzo took the scroll with no small amount of suspicion. "I'd read that if I were you. You won't get anymore warnings."
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Later in his office, Danzo could be indeed found reading the missive from the Kyuubi. The missive was short and to the point. If he came after the boy's family again, no force on this earth would stop Uzumaki from finding and killing him. Danzo knew that the boy would surely try, but he was unafraid. Doing so would mean the boy had to come back to Konoha, and that was something he seemed to be avoiding at all costs. Glancing down at the storage seal, Danzo grew admittedly curious. It was true that the boy could have set a trap, but as it was a warning, that was unlikely. Channeling some chakra to his hands, Danzo made the last mistake he ever would, and popped the seal. In the poof of smoke that issued from the seal, a ninjato emerged, and went straight through his neck, cleanly separating it from his head. Standing on top of the desk where the letter had been was Naruto holding Sai's sword. Making a swift henge, he turned into Danzo and left the office. Coming upon the first minion he found, he ordered the man to gather the troops.
Once the group was gathered, Danzo began his speech.
"From time to time, there comes a day when one must act in the best interests of the village." Danzo said. "Tsunade has failed in her duty to bring the Kyuubi back to the village, therefore it is time that we do what is best for the village. Tonight, Konoha shall be cleansed of those that would weaken the great tree." As Danzo continued on in this vein for a few more minutes, he made his way to the center of the assembled army. "Tonight, Konoha will say its last goodbyes...to ROOT." Naruto activated the explosive tags wrapped around his torso. This in turn detonated the exploding clone henged as Danzo. The Anbu of ROOT had little time to react, most from the shock of the statement, and the suddenness of the attack.
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The resulting explosion was heard all over the village. Many thought they were under attack, Tsunade one of them. It wasn't until she looked at the surprisingly calm Jiraiya, that she sat back down.
"Mind telling me what that was."
"That would be Naruto taking on a mission we couldn't without proof." Tsunade glared.
"What mission?"
"Why, getting rid of a few diseased roots, of course."
"What?!"
"Imagine an exploding clone wrapped up in a couple hundred exloding tags...that just so happened to be standing in the ROOT compound during a meeting." Tsunade smiled.
"Let me know the next time you go visit him." She said. "I think he deserves pay for an S-rank mission, don't you."
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As for Naruto, a meeting with the leader of Akatsuki proved that Naruto's ability to make friends was indeed as powerful as any bloodline. What should have been an epic fight, turned out to be an intervention. It helped that Chikaru actually invited the man to lunch, the man had been oddly content afterwards. After leaving, Nagato finally sought out therapy to deal with his personal issues, and eventually got over his 20+ year depression at Yahiko's death. Nagato and Konan eventually married and disbanded Akatsuki.
On a side note, Nagato's utilization of six bodies got Chikaru's mind to whirring. Showing a bit of a perverted streak, she asked her husband if he'd mind using his Kage Bunshin one night. The result was that a couple months later Chikaru found herself spending her mornings pitched over a toilet. Poor Kushina also had a traumatizing experience as well. If she thought mommy and daddy naked hugging was icky, then the night that she walked in on six daddies naked hugging with mommy was something she really didn't want to see.
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Waves of Pranks
After defeating Zabuza and Haku, who both survive, Naruto finds a new friend in Haku. Naruto introduces her to pranking in an attempt to get her out of the funk she'd gotten in when she decided she was a useless tool. She soon finds that she likes it. One afternoo while goofing off, they end up in a tickle fight; Haku ending up on top of Naruto. In a moment of confusion and something she couldn't describe, Haku kisses Naruto. Naruto is shocked frozen in place when she sits back on his lap. Haku removes her top, and starts to unhook the bra she was wearing until she could replace her bindings.
"Wait Haku, I don't think that I'm old enough to be doing that yet." Naruto said. "Besides, these walls are kind of thin, everyone would hear us." It was after he said this that two pairs of eyes widened. The prank potential of that last statement was filling both their heads. So much so, that both missed being joined by Zabuza.
"Should I come back later?" He asked, half amused. Blushing, Haku replied.
"That will not be necessary."
"Good." He spat back as he went over to his pack.
"Uh, why am I not dead, again?" Naruto asked. "Not that I mind or anything."
"Haku is old enough to make her own decisions about sex, so long as it doesn't affect her capability." Zabuza smirked. "Besides, if you had been wrong, she'd have let you know...painfully."
"Oh, well in that case, wanna help us with a prank?" Naruto asked.
Several minutes later, an inwardly cackling Zabuza left the room, and headed down the stairs. He entered the living room muttering loudly about hormonal teenagers. This was promptly followed by Haku's loud cries of passion. Things like "Oh Kami, so good." "Fuck me harder!" "So big." YES!!!" and "Cumming!!!" could be heard echoing loudly throughout the house. The sound of the bed bouncing, and overworked mattress springs could also be heard amidst the screams of pleasure. A scandalized Tsunami swiftly sent Inari to the village as soon as the erotic cries began. She then marched up the stairs, and began banging on the locked door. Quietly snickering, Haku slipped from the bed, and shed her bra and pants. She didn't know why, but she felt oddly comfortable around Naruto, and didn't mind him seeing her so; even though Naruto's face turned a deep shade of red at seeing her nude top. Haku dipped her hands in the water pitcher on the small dresser, and ran them through her long hair, dampening it. She then wet her face, neck, and chest slightly to feign a light sweat, before wrapping a sheet around herself, and cracking the door open.
"Can we help you?" She asked. "We're kind of busy." Tsunami proceeded to make one of the most legendary mother hen stinks known to Wave about children being intimate so young. Haku just giggled, before pulling her into the room. Tsunami looked around the room, and saw Naruto sitting on the bed, still mostly dressed.
"What's going on?" She asked.
"We're not doing anything really." He said. "It's just a prank...you know, thin walls."
"I see." She replied, then let out a giggle. It was somewhat funny in hindsight, and she had been urging her father to have someone insulate the walls. "Wait Naruto-san, that's not ooohhhh!" Naruto and Haku gaped. "Well, come on, I can't do this by myself."
Soon the loud moans from two women of the blonde's prowess, echoed throughout the house. Haku's sudden loud cry of "I love Kage Bunshin" rang almost to the village. Down in the kitchen Zabuza was inwardly crying with laughter, and having to fight from it coming out. The reactions of the old man and the rest of Team 7 was absolutely priceless. Though the somewhat proud look on Kakashi's face annoyed him a bit.
Later after they trio came down, saw the reactions, and burst out laughing at the groups expense.
"Chill out, it was just a prank" Naruto said. Kakashi, he noticed, suddenly looked sad and a little disappointed.
"Oh," Sakura muttered, though she still sported a huge blush. The things she'd heard were actually starting to put odd thoughts of the blond in her head...especially in regards to a certain cloning jutsu. Sasuke just regained his superior, self-important look about him.
"Hn, figures." He drawled. "As if the Dobe could get, let alone satisfy, two women." Haku glared at thim.
"Just because it didn't happen this time doesn't mean it couldn't."
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In Konoha, a certain white eyed kunoichi sneezed. As did the purple haired woman badgering her sensei for details of some date.
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"I would not be opposed to sharing a bed with Naruto-kun myself." Sakura openly gaped at the young woman, and Kakashi smiled beneath his mask.
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Arrogance and Suicide Go Hand in Hand
Naruto he couldn't believe his luck as he made his way to the arena. He'd actually gotten paired against Sasuke the first match of the finals. He couldn't wait to try his new jutsu out. While technically it was a suicide jutsu, when combined with Kage Bunshin it opened up a few new possibilities. And it wsa at least good enough until Oji-san would let him learn Bunshin Bakuha.
Later...
"Okay dobe, time to get serious." Sasuke said.
"Couldn't agree more, teme." Naruto boasted. "And I'm gonna finish you with my new jutsu."
Naruto and Sasuke stood facing each other, both the worse for wear. The crowd was simply stunned, none moreso than Sasuke's biggest fangirls Sakura and Ino, that the dead last had not only been able to keep up with the Uchiha, but seemed to be evenly matched. The shinobi watching could tell that the Uchiha was better, his speed and skill level easily surpassed his opponent. The problem was, Naruto and his techniques packed a greater punch than the clan heir. Not only that, but his creativity and unpredictability seemed capable of fooling even the Sharingan; which the more experienced shinobi were disappointed to notice the Uchiha seemed to be relying an awful lot on.
Several dozen feet up, Naruto flew overhead, henged as a bird. He thought about letting one drop on the bastard's head, but thought better of it. It would draw attention to himself, and he needed Sasuke distracted for his plan to work. Besides, he could always do it later. It was his clones cry of horror that drug his attention from bird shitting on the bastard.
Several Moments Earlier...
Sasuke had glared at the blonde's statement. Who would have thought that actually learning the basics could have such a huge effect on the dobe's skill. While he knew it would be dangerous to let Naruto complete his jutsu, he knew it would be worth it later. If there was one thing he knew about Naruto, it was that the idiot had powerful jutsu. He'd already copied the Kage Bunshin for later. He'd been pissed that he couldn't even create one without suffering chakra exhaustion, but it would come in handy when he fought Itachi. He didn't know what this new jutsu was, but it was likely B-rank or above. He'd let the idiot do the jutsu, and copy it to use against Itachi later. As the blond began sealing though, Sasuke's Sharingan noticed that the jutsu didn't take nearly as much chakra as the clones. A wicked idea came to the Uchiha. Naruto was so sure that his jutsu would beat him, then what better way to put the dobe in his place than to use his own technique against him? With a smug smile plastered on his face, Sasuke began flashing through the copied seals.
Naruto had just finished his seals, and was about to charge, when he noticed Sasuke sealing. It was a moment later that he realized the seals he was using.
"Noooo," Naruto cried out, bit it was too late...for both he and the Uchiha. The clone had just enough time to see Sasuke finish the last seal before the jutsu took effect and he detonated.
The real Naruto was so shocked, he fell from the sky, having lost his concentration on the act. Naruto could see the markings indicating the ignition of the chakra pathways crawling up Sasuke's arm and down his legs. Naruto stared in disbelief. This wasn't supposed to happen. His clone was supposed to use the jutsu, and charge the Uchiha. He would detonate close enough to stun Sasuke, and he would drop down for the finisher. Unfortunately, Naruto couldn't have calculated Sasuke's overwhelming woody for power, or that he'd actually steal a comrade's jutsu. Then again, Sasuke did steal Lee's jutsu. Naruto could only watch in horror as the black lines stopped crawling, and Sasuke gripped his stomach, above his chakra core; the Uchiha's chakra pathways standing out in stark relief to his pale skin. Still, even as sad as he was at what he knew was coming, a small part of him felt betrayed that his best friend would steal his jutsu with the intention of using it on him. Less than a second after he bent forward in pain, the last "loyal" Uchiha exploded in a shower of blood and gore.
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I'm a What?!
We've all see the stories where Naruto finds out that he's really a girl after living 15 years of his life as a boy. What if the reverse happened.
Hitomi Uzumaki burst into the Hokage's office in a panic. Why you ask? It was because she had awaken that morning with an extra, extremely large, appendage between her legs. Now while admittedly she'd experimented with her friend Hinata, it had never appeared without a specific set of handseals preceding it.
"Obaachan you have to help me, I have a dick." Tsunade gave Hitomi a shocked look, before promptly fainting.
Several days, and numerous conniptions later...
"Hitomi-chan, you might want to sit down for this." The girl scowled at the Hokage. "Oh well, I warned you. Hitomi Uzumaki, you are not a female, but a male named Naruto Uzumaki." Rolling her eyes, Hitomi sighed.
"You mean this isn't a temporary side effect from using that jutsu?" Hitomi asked, worried.
"Afraid not." Tsunade said. "I found Sensei's old notes last night. It was a combination of a seal and a henge that was scheduled to break when the seal finally absorbs the Kyuubi's power. The problem is, he wasn't expecting it to happen before you turned eighteen, nor was he really expecting not to be here to explain things to you."
"But why?" She asked.
"Because sweet innocent girls are naturally treated better than rough and tumble boys are." Tsunade said. "And while I can't completely fault sensei's logic, it seemed a little shaky to me too."
Hitomi suddenly got angry. After living as a girl for fifteen years, she was being told that the single worst day in her life didn't have to happen. Now contrary to popular belief, she had not been raped as a child by a vengeful villager, or at any point in her life, although there was that one close call when she'd gotten drunk after her first kill. No, the event Hitomi was referring to, was the day she started her first period. For four years she'd had to deal with that monthly hell, and now she was being told that it hadn't had to happen. This of course brought about some other questions that she felt needed to be answered.
"Quick question, how the hell did they hide this?" The young woman asked gripping the rather appendage now dangling between her legs. "Henge only uses chakra to cast a Genjutsu to change an appearance, it doesn't make physical changes. From what I saw and felt, this thing is pretty fucking huge, and would have been almost impossible to hide. Not to mention all the periods I've had. How the hell did they pull that off?" Tsunade gave her a meaningful look.
"As a medic, I can honestly tell you that there are some things you're better off not knowing." Hitomi sighed. Her obaachan hadn't steered her wrong before.
"I guess this explains my attraction to girls." Hitomi said. "So how long before I'm completely a boy?" Hitomi asked. Tsunade was about to respond that she didn't know, when Hitomi was engulfed in a poof of smoke. "I guess that answers that question. Great, now I have to go shopping for all new clothes."
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Silly Drabble 4
AU: The Hyuuga and Uchiha have always had a sort of rivalry going on behind the scenes. This rivalry is about to spill out into the open, when the heiresses of both clans set their sights on a certain blond. Uchiha massacre happened, but not the same as in the series. Several Clan members, especially the Uchiha Council, had made overtures to either secure the demon for a weapon, or have it discreetly disposed of. When the Council sent Shisui to do the deed, Fugaku sent Itachi to stop the attempt. Outraged, the Council attempted a coup de etat to take control of the clan. Mikoto, took the civilian members of the clan to the safety barracks under the Uchiha District, while her son and husband would lead the other shinobi of the clan in defending against the attempted takeover. Only a dozen or so Uchiha shinobi survived the civil war, among them Itachi. Sasuke Uchiha was born with a twin, Mikura Uchiha. Ino and Sakura are still rivals for Sasuke's affection. They also have a threeway rivalry with Mikura whose not only much closer to their crush (his twin who he dotes on), but makes their ninja abilities seem like wastes of time. Itachi's team is Mikura, Hinata, and Naruto.
Hinata and Mikura like Naruto because he's everyting their clans, and most Konoha residents, aren't. Fun, outgoing, friendly, helpful, nice, gentle, shows feeling, doesn't seem to have a Mokuton tree shoved up his ass, isn't obsessed with a bloodline, and doesn't worship bloodlines, doesn't respect someone just because of bloodline or clan status, and doesn't take crap from anyone.
Naruto and Sasuke have something to bond over, although it would be kind of awkward at first, since it's his twin sister that's half of the cause of Naruto's situation; and since I am in control of this world, the Uchiha are not complete douches
Sasuke is to Sakura and Ino; what Naruto is to Hinata and Sasuke's twin sister
possibly 2 harems in the future, but mostly two chronic eye twitches; at least Naruto's girls take being shinobi seriously (and Hinata's not a complete wall flower because her rivalry with Mikura. As a result, Hiashi is a very doting father.
in the end, there are only a handfull of Uchiha left, because some of the civies were with the council as well, and Mikoto had to go mother bear on a bitch
Mikoto was once the strongest Uchiha before she settled into maternity after having Itachi, and easily had the strongest Sharingan until Itachi got the Mangekyo (no Madara). she could actually use Amaterasu without the next level
I also decided to punish Itachi for his poorly thought out plan in canon; his genin team will consist of his baby sister, her crush, and her rival;when he gets the news, it's the first time he shows emotion since he was young; he cries, then the next day, he curses loud, long, and hard
He sits curled up in his mother's lap (regardless of the fact that he's taller than she is now) and cries shen he finds out.
mikoto: there there, Itachi-kun, it's not so bad.
itachi: but mother, it's mikura and hinata on the same team. then to make matters worse, naruto is my third Genin, he'll be there for them to fight over even more
sasuke laughs..."Take that for always poking me in the forehead"
until he finds out he's on the first four man team
and both Sakura and Ino are on it with him
itachi: *smug grin*
and their sensei is Anko
itachi: *grins harder*
the fourth teamate; maybe Kiba, give him something to laugh at, and you know Kiba will antagonize the hell out of him
besides, I like the potential that a ShinoShikaCho squad would make
"Look Hanabi," Naruto sighed. "As adorable as you are, you're just not my type."
"Of course I am," She exclaimed. "I'm a Hyuuga."
"Yeah, and you're also arrogant, six, and all of an inch high." Hanabi bristled, and began a five minute diatribe about all of her most winning attributes...none of which impressed the blond.
"Yeah, listher Tiny Tot," Naruto said. "Maybe when you grow up, someone will take notice, but I'm not interested. Besides, if I were going to date a Hyuuga, it would be your sister, not you." Hanabi's face became a mask of fury; she still had some work to do on the cold, stoic mask front. Blind with rage, she tried to bodily tackle the blond...all 28.9 kg of her. I say tried, because as soon as she took a step, she was hoisted into the air by the back of her shirt. Standing there with an annoyed expression on his face was Itachi Uchiha.
"Naruto, you've already got Hinata and mys sister fighting over you," He sighed. "Please do not add to my headache." Creating a Shadow Clone, and handing the chibi off, Itachi beaconed his Genin. "Let's go, we have a mission." Naruto groaned. He hated D-rank missions.
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This drabble and the next aren't really story ideas, but simple observations.
The reason why I have lost any and all possible respect I have had for Sasuke Uchiha.
First of all, a complete stranger comes along, tells Sasuke he's his ancestor (one who should be lond dead by now), and he just believes everything the man tells him. Really, and this is the guy they called a genius. Given some of the people called geniuses in Naruto, I'd feel insulted if someone called me that. This is why I have done a pictoral version to show just how far your favorite Uchiha has fallen. Replace (DOT) with a period.
He ran away from...
her- http://fc05 (DOT) deviantart (DOT) net/fs20/f/2007/250/9/3/Haruno_Sakura_by_patrikh88 (DOT) jpg
and...
her- http://fc02 (DOT) deviantart (DOT) com/fs10/f/2006/327/9/6/Yamanaka_Ino_by_SasoriSama (DOT) jpg
for...
him- http://4 (DOT) bp (DOT) blogspot (DOT) com/_J9lpdwFj3LU/R06yobUWmlI/AAAAAAAAAEE/h2dhRxY2-rs/s1600/orochimaru (DOT) jpg
Then on top of that he killed a sexy ass girl like...
her- http://farm2 (DOT) static (DOT) flickr (DOT) com/1079/1341080085_1487fb51da (DOT) jpg
just so he could have revenge on...
them- http://www (DOT) onemanga (DOT) com/Naruto/140/03/ scroll down
They're like old as hell. They don't have much time left as it is, is it really necessary to hunt them down and kill them. What's worse, is that super hottie with glasses was practically throwing herself at him, and he didn't even flinch.
he literally could have had...
this- http://fc03 (DOT) deviantart (DOT) com/fs19/f/2007/256/7/5/Sakura_and_Karin_friends_by_SabakuNoMay (DOT) jpg
and gave it up for...
this- http://www (DOT) mirage-team (DOT) com/medias/Fanarts/164_tobi_akatsuki (DOT) jpg
Now, I don't want to offend all of you Sasuke fanboys/girls by calling him dumb as dogshit as well as gay (although the yaio fangirls might cream themselves over that one), but canon hasn't made much of an argument to the contrary. How the hell is he supposed to revive his clan if he kills, tries to kill, or runs away from few moronic women who still want in his pants? Is he so full of himself that he thinks he can do that by himself too?
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Ways You Can Tell the Main Couple in Lemon Fanfiction
1. Couple can have unprotected sex and not worry about consequences.
-no matter how many times he cums inside her without any protection, she won't get pregnant unless it's part of the plotline
-even if they use protection, it's always a conveniont jutsu, spell, herbal regiment, special ability or power, genetic gift, etc.
-STD's either don't exist, are easily cured, or are only caught by characters the author doesn't like
a. if one of the main characters does catch one, it's always gotten from the aforementioned characters, and used as a ploy to make that individual even more universally disliked by everyone in that story
2. Sex between the main couple is always good.
-even if neither participant has any experience, they have prodigious talent that carries the day
-even if the girl has no experience or preparation, she can still take a 16 in. cock down her throat, in her vagina, or up her rectum with ease, and mostly no pain. She sometimes even cums from being so suddenly stretched
-the girl sometimes either starts the sexual encounter so turned on that she's on a hair trigger, or the male is so good that she eventually ends up on one anyway
3. Everyone loves to share.
-harems for the main characters are always peaceful
-the members in the harem, even if previously (and vehemently) hetero, will suddenly discover they are bi for their harem mates
-none of the members have a problem or care with being just one of many
4. It only takes one time.
-the pair only need a single kiss, failing that one passionate night together, to realize that they've found THE ONE
5. True love conquers all.
-even if they can't be together right away, or are separated, they always find their way back to each other, and end up together
6. Odd support bases.
-everyone supports the couple except the villain, her family, or some evil stalker crush/evil psychotic ex
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Not as many drabbles this time, because some of these are longer than the others in chapter one. Not as much humor either. Don't worry, next chapter will be better, I'll try to bring the funny back as well.