chapter 5 - if this is how you folks make art, it's fucking depressing

Helga didn't feel like talking to anyone about her mother's parole just yet. She didn't even know when it was going to happen, or any details about it— when Olga got home and started talking to Bob, she just decided to go to sleep. It was so unlike her to not even try to eavesdrop, as that's honestly how she gets most of her unfiltered Miriam-related information, but she could not be bothered to care right now.

She tried going to school and going through her classes as normal, but it just bugged her. And coupled with the fact that their entire class could not stop talking about Arnold as the ~guest of honor~ at tonight's Wellington-Lloyd party, and Phoebe being gone for her Friday clinical rounds, it was shaping up to be another awful day for her.

"My mom's in jail. That's why the poem was so bizarre." she straight up told Mr. Kirkland after class, not feeling the energy to try to circumvent an excuse. "I don't feel an emotional connection to her anymore."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Miss Pataki. Thank you for your honesty. I understand how hard that must be for you."

She nodded, and thanked her teacher before excusing herself to leave the room.

Lost in her own self-pity, she was startled when Sheena popped up next to her as she closed her locker, gathering her supplies for her next class.

"Criminy!" she yelped, after seeing a face behind her locker door.

"Oh dear! I didn't mean to startle you, Helga! Are you alright?" Sheena asked, her face laced with concern and worry.

"Uh…yeah. I'm just peachy. What , uh…what can I do for ya?" Helga tried to ask lightheartedly, but she was sure it ended up coming out awkward and forced.

"Oh, nothing!" Sheena's airy, high-pitched voice filled the air. "I just wanted to tell you that I just can't wait to see your cake tonight at Rhonda's party!"

She was taken aback a bit by the compliment. "Oh…right. Yeah, thanks Sheena, hopefully it'll look great, despite the sudden deadline…" she said, a bit distractedly. She wasn't used to talking to Sheena one-on-one. Holy moly, why do nice people have to be so nice?

"And I bet Arnold is just so excited, too. I can't wait to see what kind of magic will be in the air tonight at the party! See you later!" Sheena waved as she went to her class.

Criminy.

—-

"So is everyone else bugging you about this Arnold nonsense, or am I just the lucky lady?" she asked rhetorically as she sat down on the ground next to Gerald, clutching the lunch that Olga still lovingly packed her. When she woke up this morning, both Olga and her dad were gone. She didn't question it, but she had a feeling she knew where they were, and she didn't want to think about it. "Criminy, it's so hot out today. Why do we still eat outside."

"Where were you yesterday? We missed you." Gerald asked, in-between bites. "Thought ya' ugly ass went to join the circus or something."

Helga barked out a laugh and nudged him with her elbow. "Loser. I didn't mean to ditch you guys, but I had the pleasure of having lunch with Princess Lloyd yesterday."

"My condolences." he gave a half-grin, he knew how awful that must have been for her.

"Thanks. She wanted a cake for her party tonight. So I have to work extra hard after school to get it done by, what? 6 pm?"

"Oh, worm? You're making a cake for her party, huh? Fresh. So you're going to the Arnold Party?" he teased.

"The party? Ugh…" Helga groaned. "I don't want to go, at all, but you'll want Phoebe to go, and Phoebe will want me to go, you know…" she looked off into the distance, trailing off. She was still clutching her lunch, not having enough of an appetite to even see what was in it. Gerald noticed this, as Helga always had enough of an appetite to eat circles around him.

"You gonna eat your lunch, hell girl?" Gerald pointed to her lunch with her eyes. "You only got like, 20 minutes of lunch left."

"Huh? Oh…" she snapped out of her daze and looked at her lunch. "Ehh…you want it? I, uh…have…nerves…about that dumb cake I've gotta work on after school, you know?" she lied, still not wanting to mention anything about what happened last night. Gerald picked up on her obvious lie.

"You? Nervous about a cake?" he asked incredulously "I know that's not it. Tired of a cake, I'd buy that. But you sure as hell ain't never been nervous about a cake."

"I'm not nervous about the cake itself! Just…the deadline." She tried to sound convincing, and quickly started to go on about the cake to distract her. "I mean, sheesh! Who orders a wedding-quality cake with only 24 hours notice! Lila got to work on it yesterday, and the older ladies who work there are hopefully working on it now, but I'll only have two hours or so to work on it. I don't mean to sound sentimental or anything, but she ordered it from me, and I want it to look good."

Gerald still wasn't fully convinced, but her explanation sounded reasonable. Sometimes Helga could get crazy over certain cakes, especially the most challenging ones. He remembered a few months ago when a customer ordered a "brushstroke" cake, and Helga obsessed over getting it just right. Over and over again, she complained that the brushstrokes she made "didn't look natural enough" and they looked too "manufactured" or something. Usually he didn't complain about getting Helga's reject cakes, but after the fifth or sixth one, he was ready for her to buck up and accept that they looked just fine and she was driving herself crazy by fixating on this one damn cake.

"I'm sure Rhonda will love whatever you make as long as you do what she says. Or say it came out of Jalouse or something. You know she never actually reads those magazines. Just don't sweat it, I'm sure it'll work out. You just gotta have faith in your teammates." Gerald replied.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I gotta learn to pass the ball and have one of my teammates score for once." Helga waved him off. "I've heard all your basketball metaphors before, Cinderella Boy."

They both gawked at the nickname. "Cinderella Boy? Man, I haven't heard that one in years!"

"I know!" Helga replied, equally shocked. "I…I don't even know where that one came from…" she scowled. "Probably because of all of this Arrrr-nold business following me around everywhere…"

"Speaking of Arrrr-nold," Gerald said as he reached out and took Helga's lunch, "I know someone else who would really want you at that party…"

"Ugh, don't remind me. Rhonda already tried that one on me." her scowl deepened. "I had to make a deal with her about it, too. I know if I show up to that stupid party by myself, people are gonna talk. Try to push us together or something…"

"So don't show up by yourself." Gerald shrugged. "Bring Dips, or Connie, or someone. Rhonda won't mind."

"What do you mean, 'bring Dips'?" Helga asked, looking at him with suspicion. "Oh, so you're not trying to hook me up with your best friend? Not trying to work undercover or something, to try to get me to reveal that I'm secretly still madly in love with him?"

Gerald shrugged, dismissing her harsh line of questioning. "I don't know. You're my best friend, too. To be honest, I'm kinda conflicted. I just want the best for both of you." he started munching on the peanut butter and (grape) jelly sandwich that Olga packed.

This took Helga back. She should have known that Gerald wouldn't try to persuade her into something she didn't want; he really was one of her best friends. They never told anyone, but after the two got back from San Lorenzo, they both had nightmares about their near-death experiences. Sharing these experiences with each other brought them closer and provided both with a sense of security.

"R-right…" she breathed out. "Sorry…I should have trusted you more. This whole thing…with Arnold, you know…it's kinda driving me nuts." She gave a nervous laugh. "I feel like I'm going back in time, you know?" she asked softly. "Everyone around me wants to act like the last four and a half years just…didn't happen."

Gerald nodded. "I'm picking up what you're putting down. It does feel pretty weird having Arnold back outta nowhere. And, between you and me, everyone expects us to be best buds again, but sometimes it's just flat-out awkward. I still love the guy, but he spent a lot of time away from us." he sighed. "But it's gonna get better. Homeboy's just gotta adjust to city life some more, too. Maybe get himself a girlfriend. By the way, not that I'm at liberty to say anything, but I'm sure you know of his…intentions regarding your relationship. I already told him about the Dip Situation, and he was cool with it. I just don't know how long he can keep that up. Dude's eyes keep glazing over and reverting to that half-lidded stare he gets when he even thinks about you."

Even though her mind hated it, her heart totally fluttered when she heard Gerald say that. A light blush dusted her face as she tried to get her racing heart to just shut up already.

"I knew there was something there. I hope he just doesn't…you know, do all that Arnold garbage he's always gotta do. You know what I mean." she muttered.

"Hahaha, hold up, what? Arnold garbage?" Gerald started laughing and pressed Helga for more details.

"You know! The stuff he does when he likes-likes someone!" she exclaimed. "Like tries to impress them, or walks them home, or invites them to dinner with their parents, just, you know, just awful cliche romantic garbage. I don't want any of that, you know, that nice shit!" she reached over to take her sandwich from Gerald's grasp and took a bite before returning it. "You know he's gonna do it." she said with her mouth full. Crossing her arms while still chewing her delicious sandwich (thanks Olga), she contemplated going to that stupid, dumb, Arnold party.

"Maybe I will go to Rhonda's dumb, stupid party. But I'll bring Dipper and Mabel and Connie, and I'm also dragging Lila with me!" Helga announced, crossing her arms in triumph like she accomplished something. "So Football Head will have a hell of a time trying to get me alone so we can talk and finally catch up cuz I just missed you soo much, Helga…" she mocked Arnold's new deep voice.

Gerald chuckled. "Whatever you say, Helga…"

—-

Relieved to be done with school for the day, Helga grabbed what she needed out of her locker.

"Heeelggaaaa!" she heard a voice come from behind her, and she felt a body crash into her back, hugging her from behind.

"Criminy!….Lila?" Helga looked behind her and recognized Lila as her attacker.

"Surprise! I switched shifts with Dean today, so we can work on the cake together!"

Helga's face brightened. Not that she had any problem with Dean, but the kid was kind of a big ball of homeschooled anxiety and she didn't want to deal with his well-meaning but intrusive politeness today. Plus, he was a much better baker than he was a decorator, and the cake was already made so she didn't need any help in that department.

"Hey hey! That's great! You're a much stronger decorator than he is. Plus, it'll be easier for you to get right back into it." Helga smiled, she was much more pumped about going to work today. "Mind if you give me a ride, though? I, uh, actually walked to school today…"

"Oh, of course!" Lila replied and the two girls started to hash out the details of their transportation.

Once they were at Lila's car, Lila went inside to turn on the air conditioning to cool down the car. It was an unusually hot day. It seemed that every year, summer started earlier and earlier.

While Lila was in the driver's seat, Helga hung back outside. She was nonchalantly leaning on the passenger's side like some kind of cool 50's beatnik, or so she liked to think. She doubted that cool 50's beatniks wore pastel pink Milkbbi shirts, but whatever, she liked to think random shit.

She spotted Arnold from across the parking lot, and her heart stopped. 'What is Arnold doing here? Please don't tell me he's enrolling in school. In my high school.' she thought, panicked. Her panic was short lived, though, as she realized that he came alone (sans parents, who would need to do the actual enrolling) and he quickly met up with Gerald, they did their quick little handshake, and they were on their way.

She noted that Arnold and Gerald were pretty much the same height, now. Or were they always the same height when they were younger, it was just Tall Hair Boy's tall hair that made him look like he towered over his best bud? Her heart fluttered, yet again, as she watched Arnold's retreating form.

They were retreating, until a few of her classmates noticed he was there and started to crowd around him, delaying his quick getaway. Of course he was super excited to see his old buddies, and they started to converse.

Criminy, they're acting like he's a Hollywood starlet or something. He's just Arnold, for pete's sake. Helga reached into her bag to grab her sunglasses, partially to disguise herself and partially because the damn sun was right in her eyes and holy moly Lila how long did it take to cool the car down? Really?

Unfortunately for Helga, her disguise was moot and Arnold recognized her from afar, gave a big old wave, and started to come right over.

"Oh, great." Helga muttered as she watched him come over. "Hey, universe? You can stop playing tricks on me any time now. I think I've had enough for a while." she sighed and braced herself for an onslaught of Arnold-brand enthusiasm.

"Hey Helga! Did you have a good day at school?" He just radiated sunshine.

"It was…a day…" she replied, trying her absolute best not to be annoyed.

"Wow, I didn't know you had a car. It's…really nice!"

She shrugged. "Ain't mine."

"Oh, well, is it your parents' then? Hey, did your mom ever get her license back?" Arnold asked, innocently enough.

"My—w-what? What? What?" Her mouth fell open. "What? E-excuse me? What? What?"

Did your mom get her license back?

Did your mom get her license back?

Did your mom get her license back?

For a minute, she saw stars cloud her vision. Record scratch, everything around her stopped. She could barely make out Gerald gesturing a throat-slashing motion with his hand, saying something along the lines of Cut it out, man! Go! Go! I'll catch up, just go! and softly pushing his well-meaning friend away as he rushed to her side.

She couldn't stop stuttering and exhaling the same few words. "I can't—what? Are you—? What?" Her legs buckled and she had to steady herself by crouching on the ground and holding her head. That simple question had her mind racing, it's as if she couldn't actually comprehend what he was asking. But she knew exactly what he meant. She felt something on her back, but didn't care enough to figure out what it was.

It was an innocent enough question; on one hand, she was thankful that he didn't know what happened to her mom, and he was just trying to be nice. But on the other hand, come on, that was an innocent question when you're in the fourth grade, but when you're in high school…why don't you just shout it from the rooftops, Arnoldo? My mom's an alcoholic.

"I don't get it, did I do something wrong? S-sorry, Helga! I'm so sorry…" Arnold called after her as he was being pushed away.

"Awww, don't worry Aww-nold! You'll see your giiiirlfriend at the party!" Harold cried after the two boys, making kissy-noises.

That crude remark sobered her up rather quickly. Her blood ran cold as her head sharply turned to the source of the voice; it was obviously Harold's obnoxious teasing. Her eyebrows furrowed into a deep scowl, her pupils shrank, and a low growl emitted from her mouth. Harold saw this and immediately started to turn around and run away; before Helga could start to pounce she felt a hand grab her shirt and pull her into the passenger seat, another set of hands was pushing her in.

"Helga! Let's go, or we'll be late to work." Lila weakly rebutted. "Harold's not worth it."

"….Alright." Helga responded sharply, still recovering from her mini anxiety attack she had over Arnold's unassuming question.

—-

Working at the bakery usually makes Helga feel much better about whatever teenage angst or ailment is currently occupying her life. Decorating cakes is her escape, it captures her focus. For a few hours of the day, it's like nothing else exists and her troubles melt away into a pile of buttercream frosting. It calms her down.

Today was different. It seemed as though that little innocent remark that came out of that stupid football-headed jerk's mouth opened the floodgates and every emotion she tried to hold captive this week started to drip out.

After a horrid breakup in Grade 6, two heartbroken lovers are separated for half a decade—

He wanted to come here first to see Helga!

Snippets of conversations from the past two days swirled around in her mind. Or has it been three days since he came back? A week? Helga didn't even know anymore—she's felt so unpleasant since he's come back that the days seemed to blend into one another.

I know someone else who would really want you at that party…

Oh, wonderful! Is Arnold going too?

It didn't help that her phone's been buzzing every hour, on the hour pretty consistently. Her other awful life event wasn't any better, and it shared the already occupied space in her troubled mind.

At first, her phone was just receiving texts; Olga knew she was in school and couldn't talk on the phone. But now, her phone's been buzzing very longly in her back pocket constantly.

"Please pick up the phone, baby sister! Mommy deserves a second chance, don't you think?" she heard her older sister wail into her voicemail.

I just wanted to check in with you—

She's up for parole.

Really, Olga? After everything she's done? The vehicular manslaughter Miriam committed was really just the icing on the cake that was her childhood trauma. A second chance for what? To forget her winter coats, to pack her shaving cream to eat for lunch, to leave her at school until 7 pm because she promised she'd pick her up this time? Yeah, hard pass.

Her anger has gotten so controlled since she was in grade school. She worked so hard to be a better person, to emerge from her cracked and damaged shell; but she couldn't stop it from seeping out anymore every time a sentence fragment flashed through her mind.

I should have taken your feelings into more careful consideration

Mommy deserves a second chance, baby sister!

Can't wait to see you tonight, Helga!

It also didn't help that her Angry Puberty Tears kept seeping out, too. Helga Pataki was not a crier, she determined, it was just a side effect of inflated hormones that kept fluctuating due to her being a teenage girl. They were clearly a fluke, not reflective of who she was at all, but that didn't make the crying any less embarrassing.

Did you see Arnold yet, Helga?

I just really wanted to see you—

Her existence didn't rely on the fact that Arnold was back in his hometown. It shouldn't have ever relied on him in the first place, but it did at one point in time and she resented it. And she resented everyone who wouldn't let her forget it. It was embarrassing, and pathetic, and sad. She was a wreck without him, did everyone forget that? Did everyone forget how she was devoid of emotions, lost all interest in her life, just because he left? But it didn't matter, they just looked so cute together. She should just give him a chance, he really liked her.

Her anger kept building upon itself after every thought that entered her mind. She sniffled, trying to blink the tears back in her eyes, but ultimately failing as some tears were slipping out. She was too wrapped up in her own thoughts and emotions to think rationally, this week just came at her out of nowhere and she was not prepared for this kind of pressure and obligation. She was grinding her teeth, breathing heavily, overall not having a swell time.

Lila, who was working across from her on the same cake, waved her hand in front of her friend's face. "Are you okay, Helga?"

Did your mom get her license back?

You'll see your girlfriend at the party!

Helga wiped at her eyes and stood up straight. "Get me the flower molds please, Lila?" she asked calmly, after a deep box breath. "I want to work on the centerpiece."

—

She was a poet at heart. She knew flower language like the back of her hand; especially the flowers that meant despair, unrequited love, sorrow, and similar themes. Life bestowed a plethora of melodramatic inspiration upon her, and her poems needed the symbolism to match. When she found an old book about flower language at the public library's rummage sale, she instantly knew it would be the best quarter she ever spent.

Hours upon hours were spent reading that old book while she was still living at that cold, dreadful, sterile beeper emporium. It helped pass the time.

"Yellow carnations," she said softly, as she pressed the fondant into the mold. "Dianthus. Rejection. Disdain. Disappointment."

She memorized what they looked like too, of course. One must be aware of how their funeral's flower arrangements were going to come out.

—-the group chat? Our fucking group chat?

He cares about you an awful lot—

"Columbines." she placed the delicate purple flowers on the cake. "Aquilegia vulgaris. Deceived lovers. Ingratitude. Faithlessness," she breathed.

Meticulously planning her funeral was one of her secret hobbies when she was younger, right after Arnold left, and even more so when her mother went "upstate". Her death would have been poetic, and beautiful; her funereal even moreso. It was morbid, but it gave her comfort. It was something she could control. Reliving these memories stung, but it also pacified her. Her life seemed to be falling apart again, by the same two people who decided to shake it up almost five years ago.

"Cypress…death, mourning, despair, sorrow."

Her phone started buzzing again.

Every time she added another flower to the cake, a cool rush of relief washed over her. Maybe Arnold wasn't leaving her alone, maybe her mother will be waltzing back in her life, both acting like nothing ever happened; but at least with Rhonda's cake, she was cemented in reality—she had some kind of control.

There was a chance Rhonda would see all these random-ass flowers and throw a dramatic fit; I mean, who puts stinging nettle on a cake? But Helga was banking on the fact that it was so avant-garde that it would turn out nice and Rhonda would love it. That girl always loves crazy bullshit as long as it comes from Vogue or L'Officiel.

—-

There was definitely something wrong with Helga, Lila thought. She hasn't been this distressed for a very long time.

Even though Helga and Lila have been good friends for years, Lila was still slightly afraid of Helga. She didn't like to admit it. It must have been residual feelings from elementary school; some kind of defense mechanism her body had left over. Normally, she wasn't frightened of Helga at all; it was only when she showed extreme anger or extreme calmness right after intense emotion.

Regardless, she was still concerned about her friend. The centerpiece was turning out amazing though; it was full of flowers and colors that no one would expect to look good with this color scheme. But deep down, Lila knew that this was she sort of unusual coping mechanism for her, based on how quickly making the flowers calmed her down. Lila knew that wasn't what Rhonda asked for, either. But it was looking too good, and she didn't want to tell Helga to stop.

Lila glanced across the room, meeting Connie's eyes. They both searched each other for some sort of answer, or support regarding the situation. Connie gave a slight grimace and shrugged; she didn't know what was going on either.

"Later?" Connie mouthed, and Lila sighed and nodded, going back to work on the finishing touches of the ombre before she started on the final layer of the gold drip.

holy moly. originally this chapter was supposed to include the party, but it was already 1000 words over how long my chapters usually are omg! i kinda felt like this chapter was rushed, like too much happened and yet not enough happened at the same time lol.

thanks for all the comments! sorry i'm uploading super slowly; it's been really hard to sit down and focus on writing. please leave me a comment if you guys enjoy; if i know people are reading and enjoying this story then it motivates me to write faster. :)