Mind Farts

by NarutosBrat

Just a few drabbles and ideas for anyone whose interested.

8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Sakura would have an arrangement with Naruto and Hinata that would have resulted in Sarada being Boruto and Himawari's half-sister. They'd also have another half-sibling or more that lived in Demon Country; Naruto did promise Shion after all. Chouji would have been with Ino, or if he must have been with a girl from Cloud, it would have been Samui cuz Chouji deserves him some tig ol bitties. If Sasuke had a girl, it would be Karin, as she seems more likely to follow Sasuke anywhere he goes.

A/N: Sketchfan is to blame for at least fifty percent of the insanity in this collection, as he is the one who helps me flesh out many of my ideas.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HINATA UZUMAKI!

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Silly Drabble 47

Koharu walked deeper into the office moving past Tsunade's desk to stare out the window as the sun rose illuminating the village before saying, "Did you enjoy your little excursion last night?"

Tsunade kept her head down, continuing to deal with her paperwork, aware that Koharu was probably watching her in the glass. "I'm afraid I don't know what you are talking about."

Koharu sighed saying, "Really, I must be getting rather old, and my eyes might have been playing tricks on me. Yet I swear the woman Naruto was with last night was a spitting image of you when you were younger." Koharu found herself annoyed when Tsunade didn't seem to react. Continuing she said, "I suppose what I assumed to be a date last night could be nothing more than some harmless fun."

Tsunade slowly turned in her chair to see Koharu staring down at her. "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood, I meant what business is this of yours?"

"Considering how close the two of you are I thought it prudent to warn you," Koharu said her tone disapproving. "You are the Hokage, you represent the village, remember yourself and your station. Should you choose to disregard my warning, there are plenty of people who will gladly use this against you."

Tsunade sighed. If Danzou learned of her relationship with Naruto there was no doubt that the man would use it and most likely the moral indignation some would feel to pull her out of office and install himself in her place. It was at that point that another voice intruded upon the office.

"Is that a threat, old lady?" Both kunoichi turned to the window to find Naruto standing there with his arms crossed.

"Take it any way you wish," Koharu said moving past him to an ornate desk before pouring herself a drink.

"Why do you or anyone else even care? Our relationship hasn't effected her ability to preform her job, and we've been discreet-"

"It doesn't matter if you are being discreet," Koharu said anger leaking into her voice. "She is a fifty year old woman and you are young enough to be her grandchild. What you two are doing is wrong and morally reprehensible and should it come to light will tarnish the office she holds and the one you claim to covet."

"So because our relationship doesn't fit your mould of what is right, you go running to tattle to Danzo, knowing that he'll use this as an excuse to have himself installed as Hokage?" Naruto said. "You would allow that militant bastard to destroy everything the past Hokage- your sensei and teammate especially- stood for, just because you don't like our relationship? Fine, do what you want."

"What are you talking about, you know what will happen don't you?" Tsunade asked.

"I do," Naruto said, grinning. "I know that Danzo will use this information to incite a riot of indignation, and use the so called potential embarrassment of the village as a threat to have you removed, and since he's obviously the best choice as a replacement, he'll have himself named Rokudaime."

"So then you'll-" Koharu found herself interrupted again.

"I also know that the Uzumaki clan does not trust or respect Danzo, nor will we bow to his authority. If Danzo, or any of his puppets take control of the village, the Uzumaki clan will cut its ties to Konoha, and we will relocate ourselves somewhere that isn't run by a dishonorable cretin obsessed with war."

"You threaten treason." Koharu snapped.

"No, I'm threatening to do what's best for my family." Naruto answered. "And that is protecting them from being forced to sacrifice themselves as pawns for a man who views his subordinates as nothing more than tools to be used and discarded at his whim."

"You're a shinobi of Konoha, you can't-"

"Actually I can," Naruto corrected. "-because the Uzumaki were never a registered entity of Konoha, and I wasn't born in the village, I'm not obligated to stay here, shinobi or not. It's your own fault for insisting I be given my mother's last name. Had I been given the Namikaze surname, I would have been bound to the village just as my father and his family were."

"You know there will be a bounty on your heads." Koharu taunted.

"Sure, Danzo will declare us missing-nin, but ask yourself which is more likely," Naruto taunted back. "A village decides to go after the bounty, or a village takes the chance to gain not only the greatest medic on the continent, but also the Kyuubi jinchuuriki as assets. Besides, the only shinobi you have strong enough to possibly pull off eliminating us, aren't likely to make much of an effort. And that's if I decide not to go all out, and treat everyone except Tsunade and Shizune as a threat."

"You'll never make it out of the village."

"Having escaped the Anbu of this village with regularity before I ever learned Kage Bunshin, I can leave when I want, and you'll never know until long after I'm gone." Naruto then smirked. "Another thing you should be asking yourself, is how many new alliances this village has acquired in the last four years that I was responsible for?"

"That...you-" Koharu started.

"And just to clarify." Naruto said, shocking both women with the word. "You saw what Nagato was capable of with just six bodies, what do you think a Jinchuuriki-Sage who can spam upwards of two thousand Kage Bunshin with S-rank skill and not feel it could do?" Naruto grinned, he without a doubt that a few dozen Rasenshuriken could cause more devastation to the village than Nagato's Shinra Tensei.

"Naruto, are you sure about this?" Tsunade asked once Koharu had left.

"Yes, I am." Naruto answered. "Besides, the Uzumaki and Senju clans have been inter-marrying and knocking each other up for centuries. We're just continuing a long standing tradition, so it's really none of their business."

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Silly Drabble 48 aka Epic Naruto

"I can't believe I'm dead."

"Well yeah, you were supposed to die." Naruto stared at the newcomer in shock.

"Who are you?"

"Really, you can figure that out?" Naruto had a guess, but he didn't really want to say it. "I'm Kami, kid, and before you ask, why the heck can't I be a super hot chick?"

"But I always thought-"

"I can look however I want, I just chose to use the form of my greatest creation for a few centuries." Kami said.

"Crap, so that means I really am dead." Naruto groaned.

"Like I said, you were supposed to die." Naruto huffed.

"I know that, but I wasn't expecting it so soon, and before I became Hokage." Naruto protested.

"That's what I meant, you were supposed to die...or at least, something close to it." Kami reiterated. "How about I tell you what you're doing here, so it makes more sense? See, technically, you're not dead yet, and to be honest, you're not going to die until after you've impregnated every girl in your harem at least three times apiece."

"Wait, what harem?"

"The one you get for being the hero, and dying in the course of saving the world." Kami said. "It comes standard, I thought everyone knew that."

"But I thought you said I wasn't going to die."

"Semantics." Kami said, waving off his concern. "Here's what's happened. Because of Destiny perving on the Sound village hoping to catch the Uchiha brat in some yaoi action, she wasn't paying attention to your development. Because she wasn't keeping an eye on you, that pervert kept running off to peep. Because of that pervert's tendency to run off and peep on women, you didn't get the full scope of your training and badassness upgradery. Karma and I have been working overtime to fix things, and keep you afloat until such a time as we could give you your final upgrade. Unfortunately, Fate caught the Deitic Flu, and things started happening a lot faster than he could control, so you ended up fighting Madara long before you were ready."

"So what's happening?"

"Well, Madara has just ripped the Hachibi and Kyuubi out of you and Bii, and added it to the Juubi, so now it's uber Juubi." Kami explained. "And they're about to make Madara the Jinchuuriki, luckily they've forgotten why the Uzumaki were the only known humans capable of taking in a tailed beast after their chakra coils had formed and settled."

"Oh, why is that?"

"Because I made it so, duh." Naruto face faulted. "As a fail-safe to clans like the Uchiha and Senju getting out of hand due to their control of tailed beasts, I made the Uzumaki clan special- what with their interesting chakras, durability, and powerful lifeforce. You didn't think it was mere chance that your mother was able to survive having the Kyuubi snatched out of her, did you? Any healthy Uzumaki could have done that."

"Oh."

"Right, now to you your upgrades." Kami said. "First there's the physical stuff. Since you've still got Kurama-chan's chakra, but no Kurama-chan as something recognizable to latch onto, it's going to assimilate into you, causing some physical changes. Unfortunately, you will have slit pupils from now on, and a lightly purple tinted blue eye color. The next thing is your Sage Mode. From here on out, whenever you enter Sage Mode, the chakra in your body will automatically switch to Sage Chakra. Had things happened like they were supposed to, then you would have had longer to train with the toads, and learned how to do this on your own. And since you had so little to work with, I've decided to give you all of your parents talents and abilities as well."

"I know you probably can, but how can I explain that to other people if I survive?"

"Well, your parents both left chakra imprints in you, right?" Naruto nodded. "Well, those imprints just so happened to leave a little something extra. Oh, and I fixed the limitation of the Hiraishin, at least as far as short distance travel is concerned."

"How is that?"

"By turning it into what your father eventually would have if he hadn't died." Kami replied smugly. "Basically, if you can see where you're going, you can transport yourself there without need of the target rite. For places you can't visibly see, or picture clearly in your mind, you'll still need them though. The next thing I did, was triple your chakra stores. If you're going to fight Sasuke, Madara, and Juubi consecutively, then you're going to need it. The last thing I'm giving you, is temporary control over Yin-Yang release, and the knowledge to use it. Once you've got the Juubi incapacitated enough, you're going to need it to be able to summon the bit of blessed chakra I'm giving you to kill that dag on beast."

"What is it, anyway?"

"An experiment of Order and Chaos that got loose." Kami said, again waving him off. "Now be warned, if you die again, then there's nothing that I can do to help you. Your friends will all die, and everything you ever loved will be destroyed by Madara's Tsukiyomi. Go get'em kid." And Naruto faded away.

"You know as well as I do that you wouldn't let him lose, kaasan." A short, blue haired teen said, appearing.

"I know Karma, but making him think he still had a chance of losing means he won't get cocky." Kami said. "Now, how are you on that harem?"

"Pinky, Blondie, Shy Juggs, Blondie Juggs, the Redhead Juggs, and the surprise Uzumaki." She said, earning a smile from her mother.

"You added Tsunade?"

"No, the other huge tit blonde, once they get her out of that bucket; though I can add Tsunade if you want." Karma answered. "Wanted to add the Raikage's secretary too, but she's planning to go looking for a certain exile after this is over."

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Silly Drabble 49

"Tsunade-baachan, I need your help." Naruto exclaimed, entering her office.

"What is it, Naruto?" She asked, looking up from a form she'd reading that was causing her eye to twitch in irritation.

"Well, I need your help finding something to wear, cuz I have a date." The smile that came over the woman's face confused Naruto...at least until she spoke.

"So you finally wore her down, did you?" She said. "I'm happy for you Naruto, and I must admit that I was hoping the two of you would get together. I'm just happy she finally got her act together before she lost out on you."

"Huh, what are you talking about?" Naruto hadn't known that she was rooting for Ino. He was pretty sure that she'd have been more likely to want him and Sakura together.

"You're going on date with Sakura, right?" Tsunade asked.

Naruto gave a sigh. "Tsunade-baachan, I'm not going to lie and say I don't love Sakura, because I really do. Still, the only way Sakura and I will ever get together is if she asks me out."

"Asks you out?" Tsunade gave him what could have been a fairly evil eye.

"I've been asking Sakura out since we were like ten," Naruto explained. "-and every time she's rejected me. I finally realized that the more I pester her for dates, the more she's going to resist. If she has feelings for me, then it's something that she'll have to come to terms with on her own, and make the first move. If she asks me out, then I won't turn her away without good reasons, but if not, then nothing will really change, will it?"

Naruto knew that Sakura would always be in his heart, and that it would take something serious- whether good or bad- to push her aside. He'd had a crush on her as a child and preteen, and knew that he loved her by the time he'd come back from his training with the pervert. If it weren't for her 'love' for Sasuke, and the fact that he knew it would destroy him if she chose the teme over him, he knew he'd have already fallen completely in love with her. So yes, he still loved her, but he knew that it was highly unlikely for them to be together.

"Well, at least you're looking at things logically." Tsunade grumbled, highly disappointed in her second apprentice. "So, whose the lucky lady?"

"Promise you won't tell?" Naruto asked. "I don't want Sakura to find out and freak out, since they're rivals and everything."

"Yes, I promise." Though after the rival comment, she really didn't need him to tell her exactly who his date was with.

"It's Ino."

"Yamanaka?" Tsunade asked. "How did that happen?"

"Well, she found me at Ichiraku, and told me that she'd heard about Sakura rejecting me again." Naruto explained. "She then said that if I'd asked her out, she wouldn't say no." Naruto grinned here. "Then she flat out told me that yes, she was hinting that I should ask her out. So I did."

Tsunade couldn't help shaking her head at the boy's luck, and the things that seemed to happen to him. "Well, I'm happy that you've got a date, but I'm sorry I won't be able to take you shopping. I've still got a lot of paperwork to finish up, that won't be finished till very late. I'll tell you what, I'll have Shizune take you shopping after her shift, will that do?"

Naruto gave her a wide grin, and scrambled around the desk to hug the shocked Hokage. Admittedly, she found herself startled by the speed he'd closed the distance between them, but nonetheless, rubbed his back as he hugged her. 'Now if I can just get him to stop calling me baachan.'

"Just answer me one question." Tsunade said. "Why are you starting to go on dates now?"

"Well, Ino got me to thinking." Naruto explained. "Even if Sakura doesn't, there are still other girls that do like me, so why not see if I can't get along with one of them? It's unfair of me to ignore them like Sakura does me, right? Plus, it'll give me some practice in the off chance that things do work out with Sakura."

Weeks Later...

Sakura sat on the roof of a building sulking as she thought about the rumors circulating about Naruto. The rumors had Naruto going on dates with several girls from their age group. Ino, Hinata, Karin, Tenten, Temari while she was visiting for business, Shiho, and even Ayame. If that hadn't been bad enough, from eyewitness accounts were rather conflicting on the types of dates Naruto was taking these girls on. Some of them were sure that the dates were nothing more than two friends getting together for some fun, while others thought the dates looked to be fairly romantic. The one thing that everyone agreed on, however, was that every girl seemed to be having a very good time with him.

The biggest problem Sakura had with the whole situation, was that Ino has been rather hush hush about her date with Naruto. Any other time, Ino would be bragging or gossiping about her most recent date, but now she refused to talk about it. She most certainly refused to answer any questions as to why she'd spent the night at Naruto's, and answered his door the next morning wearing his clothes when she'd stopped by. She didn't for one second believe Naruto's exscuse that their date had run late, and they'd decided to crash at his place.

When she'd confronted her friend about it, she'd been accused of being jealous. Sakura had, of course, went on the defensive, denying that she was interested in Naruto, but Ino's rejoinder of why it mattered what happened if she didn't cut her deeply. In truth, Sakura was very jealous. How come Naruto hadn't asked her to go on a date with him? Okay, so maybe he didn't have a very good track record with asking her on dates, but that didn't mean that she'd refuse outright, did it? Even if she didn't have any attraction to him that way, that didn't mean she wouldn't mind Naruto taking her on a date like the others.

Unable to bring the issue up with her teammate without admitting that she was jealous, Sakura decided to let the matter drop. But still a part of Sakura held out the hope that maybe Naruto would get around to asking her for a date.

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Borderline Bishie

It all started with a conversation/complaint.

"You know, you're the worst biju ever." Naruto spat glaring up at the Kyuubi.

He'd been training with Ero-Sennin for going on a year now, and aside from the basics- which Naruto had finally mastered after having their usefulness mercilessly drilled into his head- Jiraiya's focus seemed to have been on using the Kyuubi's chakra. Unfortunately that was only just better than an excercise in futility. Not only was drawing on it, and controlling it difficult in its own right, but the damned fox was going out of its way to make things even more difficult. If it wasn't screwing with his chakra control, it was using the training to try and take over his body.

"What do you mean I'm the worst biju?" Kyuubi growled. "I'm the most powerful-"

"Yeah, but you're still a shit biju." Naruto said. "Even if the other vessels aren't as strong, and some like Shukaku are complete dicks who hate their vessel, they at least give their vessels special powers they can use. The only thing I've gotten from you is shitty chakra control, and a lot of grief from the village."

"Okay, first of all, if you had bothered learning it the right way at some point, you'd realize that your transformation is a lot more in depth than that pitiful Henge your kind uses; you're welcome, by the way." Kyuubi snapped. "Second, I'm a kitsune. You know the fucking lore about us, so you should know that any benefits, powers, or special abilities you gain from me will be sexual. I'm sure you've noticed one thing you got from me when you go to the bathroom."

"A lot of good those do me." Naruto complained.

"What are you talking about?" Kyuubi roared. "Females of your kind fall all over themselves to mate with men who have your endowment and stamina."

"Yes, they do," Naruto admitted. "-but what good is that going to do me, when because of you I'll never get to use them? Not only do I have a bunch of S-rank ninja trying to kill me, but there isn't a single girl in Konoha who will give me the time of day after your temper tantrum on the day I was born. You're like the ultimate cockblock."

And with that, Naruto left his mindscape, and the fuming Kyuubi.

Cockblock. COCKBLOCK! How dare that impudent runt call him a cockblock?! He'd show that little gaki. No one but no one called the greatest of the Biju a cockblock. But what could he do? Sure, he could effect the boy's growth, and turn him into a bishie, but if the other biju found out, they'd never let him hear the end of it; especially after having two females from the same clan as vessels. Besides, it would be so lame having a vessel who was prettier than girls like that Haku brat the boy had met, and he was not about to have his container doing the whole cute thing like those evil eyed Uchiha. Hmm, the boy's mother was attractive for an ape, as had been his first container. If they were anything to go by then maybe that was the way to go.

It was decided then. As the boy grew over the next year, he was going to manipulate things so that the gaki's Uzumaki genes bled through a bit more.

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Silly Drabble 50

The sight of Jiraiya of the Sannin flying across the village by way of Tsunade's fist wasn't exactly a shock. It had happened often enough in their youth that most of the older generations didn't even look up when the shadow of the man travelled over the ground. Jiraiya flying from the Hokage's office wasn't even that much of a shock considering their sensei had been the Hokage, and despite their jobs keeping them busy, Sarutobi's three students always made time to visit when they were all in the village. Not even the fact that he and Naruto had been back in the village for less than ten minutes got a reaction. Anyone with eyes could see that Tsunade was a very fine example of woman, and given Jiraiya's admitted status as a super pervert, most doubted it would take long at all before he gave her a reason to slug him.

No, what was a shock, was the fact that there was a second shadow- one belonging to an incredibly busty woman- rushing across the rooftops chasing after the beautifully arcing first shadow. While Jiraiya flying across the village was a normal occurence, Tsunade chasing the man down to further assault him was definitely new. Okay, maybe not exactly new, but it was rare enough that every shinobi in the village who didn't have somewhere else to be immediately dropped what they were doing to follow. They didn't know what was going on, but they could tell this was either going to be a Kage level event not seen since the invasion, or a one-sided thrashing the likes they hadn't seen since Kushina and Jiraiya had stripped his passed out drunk teammate and Kushina's sleep tagged crush nude, placed them snuggled in a bed together as a prank, and the sneaky redhead had somehow pinned the entire thing on him.

Even Kakashi put his precious book away to follow, and he hadn't even finished reading it for the first time.

Upon arriving at the training ground that Jiraiya had landed in, they found the amusing sight of Tsunade trying to throttle Jiraiya, and him using every trick in his arsenal to dodge, deflect, and evade her attacks. It was rather interesting to see a fight that wasn't really serious, but still was as amazing to watch as any Kage level battle. The fight continued for several more minutes, before a turn of events that shocked and awed everyone watching. Tsunade let loose with a monster of a haymaker, and Jiraiya used a reinforced earth wall to protect himself. The first bit of awe came from the fact that someone created a barrier that could defend against a full strength Tsunade punch. The second bit of awe came from the fact that she'd actually put a decent sized dent in Jiraiya's reinforced defense. Had anyone cared to ask, the reason Orochimaru had upgraded his Rashoumon to a multi-layered version in the first place, had been because Tsunade had once shattered a single one like glass in a fit of rage.

Of course, the shocked group couldn't really take the time to ponder this, as Tsunade swung again, hitting the dent she'd just made, punching through the barrier up to her elbow. With her hand through the wall, she grabbed a hold of Jiraiya's top, and pulled him towards her into the wall, smiling at the THWACK sound that came from his face hitting the wall. She repeated this motion several more times before knocking down the weakened barrier, grabbing Jiraiya by the back of his vest, lifting him over her head, and slamming him to the ground. She then proceeded to straddle him, and wrap her hand around his throat. Tight enough to show she meant business, but not tight enough that he couldn't breathe and answer her questions. Tight enough for him to understand that she could and would hospitalize him if his answers weren't to her satisfaction, but not too tight that her interrogation couldn't remain fluid.

Had he not been fearing for his health at the time, Jiraiya might have praised Kami for the chance of having the woman he'd been in love with since he was fifteen straddling him, and pinning him to the ground. Her magnificent chest heaving right in front of his face as she panted atop him in fury. As he was, Jiraiya made sure to focus his eyes right into hers...after a quick peek into her cleavage to commit the image to memory.

Her tone laced with a menace he hadn't heared since the one and only time he'd peeped on her- simultaneously putting the fear of Kami in him and giving thim the most intense erection he'd ever experienced- Tsunade growled out. "Jiraiya, why is Naruto in Kumo's bingo book?"

"You remember how I sent you that message about a year into Naruto's training that I was going to see to his counter-seduction and resistence training?" Jiraiya asked, drawing looks of immense jealousy from Kakashi and a few others directed at Naruto.

"I remember," Tsunade started. "-and I had planned to have Shizune and Kaori take Naruto aside to ensure that Naruto received a well rounded education in that area, not just the filthy ramblings of an admitted super pervert. I'd also planned to smack you around for however long it took to correct the damage, but that doesn't explain Naruto's entry in the bingo book."

Jiraiya winced only slightly, glad that he'd decided to skip the version of the talk that he'd given to Minato, and use Tsunade's lesson plan with a few added tips of his own. "Um, you see, there was an incident as we were passing through Kaminari no Kuni that resulted in Naruto having to defend himself."

"I see." Tsunade said, getting angrier. "And why is Naruto's nickname in the book Uma no Kami?"

"As you well know from his physical, Naruto's inherited a substantial amount of the Namikaze reproductive genes; and thanks to him being an Uzumaki, he's got a shitload of stamina even in comparison to other Jinchuuriki." Jiraiya explained, gaining a nod from the Hokage. "Well, that kind of ties into the incident that resulted in Naruto having to defend himself."

"I see." Tsunade said, seemingly relaxing, before wrapping her hand around his throat just a tad more snugly. "Then I would like to hear the details of this incident that required Naruto to defend himself; especially since said defense earned him a place in the section reservered for seduction experts."

"Well, every once in awhile, the Nibi would go into heat." Jiraiya said. "When this happened, it caused the Jinchuuriki to be effected as well. After the first Nibi container knocked up half the village, they decided that only kunoichi would house the Nibi to try and minimize the damage. There also happens to be a law passed by the Sandaime Raikage, and approved by the Daimyo that any shinobi in the country over the age of fourteen is fair game to help sate the Jinchuuriki's lusts, regardless of their village affiliation. I checked in with the Daimyo, and it's an edict that all of them have agreed to. The only thing keeping this from being used in the other villages is a lack of female Jinchuuriki, and the various Kage not passing the law in their own villages. Apparently, Naruto's scent was veyr enticing to her."

"Are you telling me that Naruto used your perverted techniques to screw a Jinchuuriki into submission?" Tsunade asked vehemently.

"Not just any Jinchuuriki, but one who has a full symbiotic relationship with her biju." Jiraiya said proudly. "She even refers to him as Naruto-sama now."

"So what you're saying is that you taught Naruto how to ruin a woman in bed, and that he successfully used what you taught him to ruin a Jinchuuriki." Tsunade deadpanned, her grip relaxing. Thinking that he was off the hook, Jiraiya decided to throw in one more tidbit.

"Actually, I only taught him how to recognize when he was being targeted by a seduction kunoichi, and completely turn the tables on her by being a spectacular screw. His genes and natural talent gave him the Bloodline of Sexual Ruination, whose greatest technique is the Instant Defection no Jutsu."

"Since I don't know whether to kill you for teaching Naruto those perverted techniques of yours, or happy that the crap you've been boasting about for three decades actually works, you'll wake up in a couple days." With that, Tsunade cocked back, and let loose a punch that would probably have killed most shinobi. Someone like Jiraiya- or Naruto who had a deceptively hard head- would only be knocked out after leaving a six inch depression in the ground. Turning to the assembled shinobi, she found who she was looking for, before barking out orders.

"Naruto, report to Shizune to make sure that the pervert didn't completely corrupt you." She said. "Shizune, make sure that Naruto has a full knowledge of human reproduction, and social propriety, not just a huge list of things to use that can ruin a woman. Kaori, when Shizune is done, you are going to test his knowledge, and make sure that he knows when, where and how to effectively use his knowledge. I want him to be able to logically plot out a targets sexual demise, and be capable of using it for interrogation purposes if need be, rather than just winging it, and hoping for the best. Make sure you have at least a couple of people on standby and reserve just in case this idiot wasn't exhaggerating about the gaki's prowess and stamina. The rest of you, GET BACK TO WORK!"

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Silly Drabble 51

Anko gathers a group of women together to ask for help on a rather...interesting assignment.

"Alright Anko, why are we here?" Kurenai asked, seeing the rather interesting group of people, and not quite being able to figure out the pattern.

"Well, Hokage-sama gave me a rather interesting assignment, one that I kind of set myself up for when I was teasing a certain loudmouth gaki a few years ago."

Yuugao smirked. She remembered that incident, having been assigned to the Hokage's guard duty that day. Shaking her head, having figured out what was going on, she deadpanned. "Let me guess, you were given the dubious 'honor' of breaking in Konoha's Jinchuuriki."

"Something like that." Anko said.

"What do you mean breaking in?" Ino asked. "That's not what I think it is, is it?"

"If you're thinking it means that I was tasked with snagging a certain blond's V-card, and finding out once and for all if his normally inhuman stamina translates to the bedroom, then yes, that's exactly what it means."

"How did that happen?" Sakura asked, somewhat angered, but unsure why.

"Well, we were in the Hokage's office a few years ago, a couple days after that mission to Sea Country, and he was nagging Tsunade-sama about not only helping that girl that we found there, but giving him another mission because he was already bored. Tsunade told him to shut up before she gave him a Resistance Training mission. At that time, I'd kind of developed a weird kick for messing with the gaki's head, so I leaned over his back, licked his cheek, and told the Hokage that I would absolutely love to be the one to give him his training. To my surprise, the gaki must have known what that kind of training was, because he used a substitution on me, and jumped out the Hokage's window."

"I take it Tsunade-sama called you in, and called your bluff?" Kurenai teased.

Anko shrugged before admitting. "It wasn't a total bluff. After hearing from Kakashi that the gaki was training for hours with a thousand Kage Bunshin active at once, I was curious enough not to be overly bothered by the assignment."

"I bet." Shizune said. "-however that doesn't explain why we're here."

"You're all here, because I need to borrow a vagina for a day." Anko said, sighing at the immediate reactions. "Before anyone gets up in arms, let me explain."

"It had better be a damn good explanation." Ayame said, shocking everyone with the amount of killing intent she was producing for a non-shinobi. Little did any of them know, Ayame had been on the very first potential Genin squad that Kakashi had failed; partially because they'd failed the test, but mostly out of spite for having been discharged from Anbu on the Hokage's orders, and then assigned a Genin squad.

"Well, as I was saying, I was assigned to break the gaki in, and train his resistence." Anko said. "I have to admit, the gaki is a stubborn little bastard, and against some two bit civilian trying to get in his pants, that and his fear of what the women in his life will do to him should keep him out of a lot of trouble. However, it became obvious fairly quickly that against any kunoichi worth her shit, whose had the mandatory seduction training that is required for all Jounin kunoichi, let alone a seduction specialist, the kid is toast."

"Perverted baka." Sakura grumbled, before wincing as four glares turned on her.

"Actually, it's not completely his fault," Anko revealed. "-he's got a similar problem to most males in the Inuzuka clan."

Kurenai groaned, remembering how many times Kiba had been forced to go through the advanced training once he'd become a Chuunin. "Okay, I know exactly what that means, but how is that possible?"

"The fox." Anko said, and those two words pretty much summed up the problem. "You all heard how he merged with the fox during the war, right?" There were nods all around, as Naruto had told Ayame all about it. "Well, thanks to that merger, he gained some animal instincts similar to the Inzuka's upon bonding with their canines."

"That's not good." Ino said.

"No, it's not," Anko spat. "-because while he can control his hormones normally, if he gets seduced by someone who knows what they're doing, he's maybe got a bit of token resistence in him before he crumbles like he got fist stomped by the Hokage."

"So why do you need to borrow a vagina for a day, and why are you asking one of us, rather than someone in the village whose more used to jobs involving gratuitous sex?" Shizune asked, referring to the voluntary Seduction Corps.

"Well, as I said, he's got terrible resistence against a trained kunoichi, but he does have something in his favor." Anko said with a smirk. "He's hung like you wouldn't believe, and he's got staying power like nobody's business."

"So you've already done it?" Ino asked.

"Yes, I have, and yes, his inhuman stamina most definitely translates to the bedroom."

Anko smirked when she saw the younger girls blush, but her fun was interrupted by Yuugao. "Get to the point, Anko."

"Right, well, I figured the only way he'd survive getting seduced, especially since he couldn't resist it, would be if he could learn to turn the tables on his seducer."

"So your brilliant plan is to instruct him in counter-seduction so that he can use his momentary resistence to try and turn the tables on his seducer?" Kurenai asked. "Anko, you know as well as I do that that never works. No shinobi, in the history of shinobi, has ever been able to do that without at least a moderate level of capable resistence, which you just said the kid doesn't have."

"Actually, that might work." Sakura said, earning shocked looks from Shizune, Kurenai, and Yuugao. "I've been Naruto's teammate for years, and I've seen him pull off impossible feat after impossible feat. The more bizarre and unusual the scenario, the more he succeeds, and the easier he seems to make it look. If anyone could do this, it would be Naruto. Besides, if he could use his moment of resistance to create a Kage Bunshin, which he doesn't need the seal for anymore unless he's creating hordes, then that would certainly make this a viable option."

"Okay, so it's possible, again, start getting to the point, Anko." Yuugao retorted.

"Right, well, the problem with my plan, was that the kid isn't very skilled in the sensual arts." Anko said. "Sure, he's eager to learn and please, and his size and stamina will eventually get the job done, but counting on that is a bit too risky."

"Wait, are you telling me that he's had a pervert, and a self-professed super pervert as mentors, and he still doesn't know what to do with a woman?" Tenten asked in disbelief.

"The focus for Naruto's training was in preparation for the Akatsuki." Shizune said. "Apparently Jiraiya took that more seriously than we thought."

"So basically, you're teaching Naruto how to have great sex, so he doesn't get caught out by some seductress?" Ino asked. "And again, how do we factor into this?"

"Well, the reason why you're here, is because I need a volunteer vagina for the next lesson." Anko grinned. "Someone who doesn't mind spreading them, and helping me give the gaki a little hands and mouth on lesson in oral sex."

"Why can't you just explain it to him?" Sakura asked.

"Because Naruto seems to learn and retain lessons a lot better by doing." Anko answered. "And before you ask, I can't use myself, because it would be too distracting to teach him if he were practicing on me. With an assistant, I could show him how it's done, and give advice and better corrections while he's practicing because I'll be able to actually see what he's doing while getting feedback from our helper."

"Okay, that's actually plausible, if a bit unusual." Yuugao said. "But why did you choose to ask us for help, rather than someone trained and used to doing these things?"

"Because the gaki is rather unusual." She said. "He wasn't very comfortable with the idea of using our specialists, because for some inane reason, it would feel like betraying Sakura-chan and Hinata-chan." Both girls blushed at being singled out. "When I told him they might not be comfortable with helping, especially since they're not in a relationship with him, and didn't seem like those kinds of girls, he agreed to expand the list to the single women in his life that were precious to him."

"Huh, never figured he thought of me or Ino that way." Tenten said, causing Sakura to snicker.

"Everyone here is considered precious to him-" She said. "-but even if that wasn't the case, you're all guilty by association. Ayame through the ramen stand, Shizune through Tsunade-shishou, Tenten through Neji and Lee, Ino most likely through me, but also possibly through Chouji and Shikamaru, and Kurenai through Hinata."

"And what about me?" Yuugao teased.

"Naruto has a much longer memory than anyone I've ever met." Anko said. "He remembers that Neko-chan was with him the first time the Hokage took him for ramen."

"He was three!" Yuugao said in disbelief, as that had been her first day as an Anbu.

Anko smirked. "He also remembers how Inu, Weasel, and Neko used to help him escape after pranks when he first started, and up until he didn't need the help anymore. He also remembers who it was who gave him his first set of practice shuriken and kunai for the Academy."

"So all of us-" Ino started.

"Are precious to him, yes, but he's only asking, and you're all free to refuse." Anko said. "He also wants you to know that while he'd be more comfortable with someone he knows, he's willing to use the available resources, but that he'd owe you a major favor if you helped him."

"Well, I'd like to help, but he's like a little brother to me, and that would be really awkward." Ayame admitted.

"Yeah, and considering the platonic state of our current relationship, I'm not sure I'd be able to look him in the eye after he's seen that much of me." Sakura blushed. "Even moreso if he's as good a kinesthetic learner as you say he is."

"I-I'd like to, b-but I-I-" Hinata turned beet red.

"It's okay, Hinata, we understand." Kurenai said as Ino, Sakura, Ayame, and Tenten all grinned knowingly at her.

Shizune followed with, "I'm with Ayame on this one. He's become too much like family."

Tenten grinned. "I'm flattered to be claimed by him, but I don't really think we're close enough for that kind of action."

Yuugao shrugged. "It wouldn't bother me, but I just started seeing someone, and not only would that kind of ruin things for me, but it might ruin the relationship between Naruto and my boyfriend."

Anko frowned. "Who could you possi-" Yuugao blushed. "...wait, you're the one that's got Iruka smiling like that? Okay, a little jealous, but you're right."

Ino also shrugged. "I'm kind of in the same boat as both Tenten and Sakura."

"I'll do it." Kurenai said with a sigh.

"Really?" Sakura asked in disbelief.

"It might be a little awkward letting someone fifteen years my junior see me that way, but it isn't even close to what I had to do once when a mission went wrong because of bad intel."

Anko couldn't help her curiosity. "Okay, so I have to ask, what favor are you planning on asking."

"Well, I've been meaning to get back into fighting shape, and I need a babysitter that could handle Biwako.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Sakura asked, a bit worried. "I mean, sure, Naruto is admittedly really good with kids, but he's also a fairly corruptive influence."

"He can't be any worse than Konohamaru is." Kurenai replied.

"Who do you think Konohamaru learned it from?" Sakura deadpanned, causing Kurenai to think for a second.

"Then if he corrupts her, rather than inflict her on Shikamaru, Naruto can deal with her when she becomes a Genin."

Sakura smirked. "Perverted jutsu and silliness aside, considering how your nephew and his friends turned out after being just occasionally tutored by Naruto, I think she'll be in good hands, and probably a future Hokage candidate.

"Somehow, that wouldn't surprise me in the least." Yuugao said with a grin.

888888888

Silly Drabble 52

Naruto does something that leaves everyone with the general consensus that he needs to get laid. The only problem, is that the girl he has his eyes on wants nothing to do with him that way. His adult figures decide to find him a piece of tail. Anko came with Iruka.

"Alright, we all know why we're here, so let's get started." Tsunade barked. "Any ideas?"

"What about Kurenai?" Anko asked from her place on Iruka's lap. "She's been lonely since Asuma was killed, I'm sure he could get in by helping to comfort her. Besides, she hasn't been properly laid by a man since he died, and I'm pretty sure she needs it as bad as he does."

"What about that Hyuuga that wants in his pants?" Kakashi threw in.

"Normally I'd agree with you on that one, but we all know that Hiashi would try to kill him." Iruka answered.

"Try?" Anko questioned.

"Naruto is a Sage," Kakashi reminded her. "-and singlehandedly defeated a man that practically annihilated the entire village."

"Good point."

Tsunade took a sip from the saucer in front of her. "Well, I was thinking Shizune."

"WHAT?!" The Hokage's first apprentice protested.

"Oh come on, it's not like you're seeing anyone." Tsunade placated. "Besides, people are starting to believe those silly rumors that you're my secret lesbian lover or something."

Shizune was quick to correct her mentor. "I'll have you know that I happen to be in a relationship with Genma."

Tsunade frowned. "Since when?"

Shizune rolled her eyes. "Just because you are like my mother doesn't mean that I tell you everything."

"Too bad the gaki didn't have his breakdown a few weeks ago, or I'd have done it." Anko muttered.

Iruka gave his girlfriend a raised eye. "Anko?"

"Don't worry Ruka-kun." Anko replied, teasingly smushing his face against her bosom. "Even though I am still curious what it would have been like to be skewered by the gaki's giant pussy destroyer, I'm more than happy with what I have. The gaki was just lust, I love you."

"Wow, Iruka must be pretty good in bed." Kakashi teased. "I never thought I'd ever hear Anko use the L word."

Anko gave Kakashi the finger before answering. "It's not all about the sex, though it is magnificent. With Iruka, I feel like a fuckin lady. No guy has ever made me feel like a lady before."

Slamming her hand on the table, the mildly tipsy Tsunade growled. "We're getting off topic here. Teuchi, what about that daughter of yours? Does she still see Naruto as a little brother."

"Unfortunately she does, I should know." Teuchi answered, disappointment coloring his tone. "I tried to hook them up right after he got back to the village from his trip with Jiraiya-sama. She told me point blank that it would be like kissing her otouto, and she was not into incest."

Anko suddenly perked up as something occurred to her. "What about Yuugao? She's in pretty much the same boat as Kurenai since Hayate, and she's had a longer time to cope. Not to mention she's the current resident Seijutsu Mistress, why not pop the Gaki's cherry in style."

"How about we try and figure out someone his own age before we start looking at older women?" Tsunade suggested, conveniently forgetting that she'd been willing to nominate Shizune who was a decade and a half Naruto's senior.

Anko rubbed her chin in thought. "Well we know that it won't be Pinky, cuz she's trying too hard not to like him. What I'm trying to figure out is why? I don't spend that much time around them, and even I can tell the gaki makes her wet."

"She still thinks she's in love with Sasuke, and that he can be saved." Kakashi mumbled with a sigh.

Anko's face took on a look of confusion. "Wait, didn't he come out of the closet before he ran off to find himself?"

"Yes, but she's in denial, and Naruto just didn't have the heart to tell her that it wasn't some kind of prank. I'll tell her soon, and I'll also have to explain to her as I did Naruto, that technically he did fulfill his promise to her, even if Sasuke didn't stick around."

Iruka sighed. "Well, regardless, I'm guessing that Sakura is out."

Tsunade gave an annoyed huff. "Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, that's one weakness I was never able to rid Sakura of. Who else is there?"

Iruka thought for a moment. "The only other girls near their age that I've heard him talk about are Ino, Tenten, and Temari, since we ruled out Hinata."

"I'm saving Hinata for something else, actually." Tsunade revealed. "I've done my research on the girl, and from what I know of Naruto, they seem to compliment each other. I want to take her as a part time apprentice, and see where she stands. Not only will it give me the chance to train another medic, but it will also give me the chance to see how genuine her love for him is."

"Hinata and Naruto would be very good for each other as a couple." Iruka agreed. "I think you'll be surprised with how deeply her feelings run."

"I've seen here hanging around my stand waiting on him, and watching him." Teuchi said with a nostalgic smile. "The girl's got it bad for him, but I don't know if she'll ever gain the courage to tell him."

"She actually did." Tsunade revealed.

"Really?" Teuchi asked.

"You wouldn't know, because you were with the other civilians in the monument." Tsunade said. "Apparently, when she interfered in Naruto's fight with Pein, she confessed that she loved him."

"But like you said, that's for later when we're trying to get the gaki married," Anko reminded them. "-this meeting is about getting the gaki laid."

"So, Ino and Tenten?" Shizune asked.

"Ino was afflicted with the same Uchiha obsession that Sakura was." Iruka answered. "While I've seen her give Naruto the eye once or twice, I doubt it'd go anywhere. Besides, she's into Bishounin type boys if Sasuke and her recent crush on Sai is anything to go by."

"You better not let her see you without your mask, Kakashi, or she'll be trying to seduce you next." Anko taunted.

Kakashi shuddered. "I'd really prefer she didn't."

Teuchi gave a chuckle. "Don't think you have to worry about that. I've seen her around with that husky boy, uhh, Chouji I think his name is. They seem a lot more close lately.

"I don't think Tenten is going to be in this either." Kakashi added. "From what Gai says, she's conflicted enough trying to decide if she wants to teach her youthful teammate the other meaning of exploding youth."

Anko looked at Kakashi in shock. "She's actually considering the Gai clone?"

Kakashi gave a shurg. "She saw Lee sans clothing, and overheard some of the training Gai has been giving Lee. All he'd tell me was that he caught her muttering tongue push-ups, and blushing at Lee."

Anko gave a slightly lecherous grin. "Well who'd have thought it?"

"Actually, given his intense training regemin, I'm quite sure that my youthful rival could rock a woman's world if he actually got a date. Not to mention he's really good with children." Now that got Anko to thinking. "Oh, and if anyone ever tells Gai that I actually acknowledged him as a rival, I'll be forced to demonstrate the Sennin Goroshi 2.0 that Naruto developed."

Shizune gave a wince, as another potential candidate came to mind. "I know I may regret suggesting this, but what about that crazy redhead your team brought back, Kakashi?"

They all looked at each other, before agreeing. "Last Resort!"

The discussion continued for another hour, with Temari being crossed off the list for not only her seeming interest in Shikamaru, but because having her brought all the way to Konoha or sending Naruto all the way to Suna, just to get the blond laid was asking a bit much. It was finally Anko that came up with a possible solution.

"Kakashi, are you positive that Gai could be a good lover?"

Kakashi gave a noncommittal shrug. "Fairly certain. I'm not too interested in finding out for sure, and I don't think Gai swings that way, why?"

"Cuz I'm thinking that I might just see if I can hook Kurenai up with Gai, since you said he was really good with kids, and that brat of her's is going to need a positive role model, even if an odd one. The ones he currently has, other than his mother, are not suitable. I'm definitely not, Shikamaru's a lazy bum, and Konohamaru has been too influenced by Naruto to be a good idea. Not that the gaki won't be a good father, I can tell he will from what he's accomplished with Konohamaru's gang, and all those brat's he's changed for the better. I just think he'll need a few years, and a good man to man talk before he's mature enough to influence children that impressionable."

Kakashi took a moment to think, and had to agree. "Now that has some interesting possibilities, but what about Naruto?"

Anko's face gained another lecherous grin. "Definitely Yuugao, or maybe Tsume or Hana Inuzuka if she's single at the moment. Yuugao's gotten uptight since Hayate's death, and I'm willing to bet a really good lay would be what the doctor ordered. As for Tsume and Hana, well, one's a major MILF, and the other one is her daughter, and both of them come from an animal like clan. Like myself, they lack the usual hang ups about casual sex that most women have. If nothing else, the gaki could learn a few things about how wild sex can get with the right partner."

888888888

Silly Drabble 53

The elders had decided that Jiraiya would be the next Hokage. In order to ensure this, and knowing that he was really the only Kage level shinobi who'd visit the office, they declared that the next Kage level person to enter the office would be named Hokage. In canon, it was indeed Jiraiya that climbed in through the window, was declared the Hokage, and promptly left, forcing the conversation days later during his peeping. In this world, on this day, another ninja of Kage level entered the room. One who had originally been there to inquire about his little brother, to remind Danzo of the threat he'd made before he left, and also to report to Jiraiya on Akatsuki.

"This is going to be hard to explain." Koharu said as Itachi walked over to a cabinet, and began searching for a form.

"What'd I miss?" A voice asked from the window, before noticing the third person in the office. "And why are the two of you just allowing Itachi Uchiha to search through sensei's files?"

"You say that like you and Danzo aren't the only ones in the village who can actually do something about it." Homura grumbled. "As for what you missed, your appointment as the Hokage. Because Itachi fulfilled the requirements to be named before you, he has been named Rokudaime elect."

"Right, so we'll just leave you to it, I'm sure that there's a lot you two need to discuss." Koharu said, dragging her remaining teammate out of the room.

"Is me being the Hokage going to be a problem?" Itachi asked.

"No, I didn't want the job, anyway." He said. "Besides, sensei always said it was a shame that things happened the way they did. Your love for the village would have made you the perfect replacement for him, and a steady hand for the position."

"Only until Naruto was ready to take over." Itachi replied stoicly. "Any idea on how long that's going to take you?"

"I don't know." Jiraiya admitted. "The kid isn't exactly the brightest, and there are a lot of holes in his education. So what were you doing in the alliance files?"

Itachi sighed. "Before I answer that, Jiraiya, how much do you know about Tsunade's techniques?"

"A bit, why?"

"That jutsu of hers, the one that makes her look young." Itachi gave Jiraiya a Sharingan stare. "Is it more like normal Henge, or is it more like Naruto's botched, S-rank version of what he thinks the Henge is?"

"I honestly don't know." Jiraiya said. "While it's plain to see that her jutsu has a definite physical effect on her, if I'm correctly guessing what you're really asking, I don't know if that also translates to certain biological functions. May I ask why you wish to know if Tsunade can still conceive?"

"Because I have an idea of how to make her come back home to stay." Itachi said, passing Jiraiya a document. Jiraiya took one look at the document, and had to force back a laugh.

"You know she'll try to kill you for marrying her to the gaki." He said.

"I'm sure she'll try, but I'm very good at escaping." Itachi said. "Besides, I have very good reasons why I'm making this marriage, aside from it getting Tsunade back to Konoha."

"Oh?"

"First, Naruto deserves better than his lot in life." Itachi explained. "Being married to someone as famous as Tsunade will surely help him in that area. Second, it's the most realistic marriage I can arrange for Tsunade. Given the history of their two clans, it's not exactly setting a precedent if we marry the last Konoha Senju to the last Konoha Uzumaki."

"And what's the third reason?" Jiraiya asked.

"There's a small chance that doing this might get me out of this dead job." Itachi admitted. "If Tsunade is truly and vehemently against becoming Naruto's wife, and the mother of his children, then she can always trade her position in the arrangement for the one behind her grandfather's custom made desk, while passing the marriage onto her apprentice. I'm assigning you the job of delivering this edict to Tsunade, and bringing her home."

"This is not going to be a pleasant meeting." Jiraiya said.

"I don't doubt that." Itachi said. "Feel free to take Naruto with you. He's surprisingly good at making first impressions with people, so maybe he can win his potential new fiance over."

"Good idea." Jiraiya said. "Neko, summon Kakashi's team, please. Tell him I have an urgent message from my spy regarding Naruto."

A figure suddenly disappeared in a swirl of wind. Much to their surprise, Kakashi and team were there in less than ten minutes. Sasuke was the first throught the door, and his reaction was entirely predictable...

"Hello, little otouto." A soft voice said.

"Itachi?" Sasuke said in shock, before rage took over, and he activated his Sharingan and a Chidori.

"Foolish otouto...it's a criminal offence to kill your Hokage." Itachi lectured, earning shocked stares from everyone in the room who wasn't an S-ranked ninja.

"I'll kill you!" Sasuke raged.

"Did he really just ignore what Itachi just said?" Naruto asked, only to be answered by Sasuke jumping across the desk.

Much like what might have happened under other circumstances in Tanzaku Gai, Itachi was unfazed by the attack. Easily deflecting the Chidori, he pulled a rolled up sock from no where, and smacked Sasuke on top of the head with it. "Bad Sasuke, no tomato soup for you."

Sasuke paled at the declaration, his mind flashing back to the familiar punishment his mother had used when he misbehaved. "What?"

"You heard me." Itachi declared. "And further more, get over it."

"GET OVER IT!" Sasuke raged. "YOU KILLED OUR FUCKING CLAN!"

"They tried to destroy the village." Came the nonchalant reply. "I didn't want to tell you because you're such a drama queen that you'd blow it way out of proportion."

Sasuke stuttered and stammered for several seconds before yelling. "I am not a drama queen!"

Naruto sweatdropped massively. "Of all things he's just heard, that's what he decides to comment on."

Sakura, who was seeing a very unflattering side of her crush just couldn't take it anymore. "He really is just a high maintenance drama queen. Maybe I've been wrong about him all along."

"No, you think?" Naruto teased, only to get punched in the arm.

Kakashi sighed. "I don't know whether to be disappointed in him, or pity him."

Itachi tilted his head. "At this point, I recommend both."

888

Kisame could only stare dumbfounded at not only the gathered shinobi in the room, but also at the young man who'd become something like a friend to him the past five years.

"Sooo...what you're saying is that you're quitting?" Itachi nodded. "And what do I tell the leader?"

Itachi, whose gaze had fallen on Naruto, gave an uncharacteristic grin. "Tell him that Madara Uchiha said he was the illegitimate son of a salamander summon. And make sure you take plenty of pictures of his reaction."

Kisame raised a brow at the answer, before shrugging, and wroting the requesst down. "And pictures...of... reactions..."

"Good fishman." Itachi said.

"Asshole." Kisame replied goodnaturedly.

"Um, Madara?" Kakashi asked worriedly.

Itachi sighed. "Yeah, he's the one that really caused all of Konoha's fox problems." Itachi said. "And speaking of the Kyuubi, I figured out something about the Sharingan that might help you Naruto."

"Really?" Naruto asked.

Itachi nodded. "He was also the one who killed the civilians in our clan."

Sasuke's jaw dropped as Naruto asked. "Really?"

"Yes, my orders were to kill those who were helping in the coup, Madara was the one with the grudge that he couldn't control. Bastard even killed my mother.

Sasuke perked up at that. "So you didn't kill our parents"

"Oh no, I killed our father, and I did so with a smile on my face." Itachi said, earning a glare from his brother. "He turned me into a weapon, and then tried to use me to attempt a coup. When he realized that I was too strong for him to really control, he decided to use you instead. Seems he did some damage before I offed him judging by how you're taking this whole live with hate crap."

Sasuke scowled. "But you said..."

Itachi sighed. "Sasuke, I was just joking. I can't believe that you took it seriously."

"But what about that genjutsu where you made me watch you kill everyone?"

Itachi sweatdropped. "Did you not notice that I was wearing a rabbit suit when I was doing it?"

Sasuke shuddered, remembering his unfortunate run in with a rabbit summon. "Rabbits are scary."

Sakura's face fell completely. "I can't believe I ever had a crush on you."

"That's kind of pathetic, teme." Naruto added. "I don't know if I want you as my rival anymore."

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!"

"And he's a genius?" Naruto questioned. "You know, between Neji and Sasuke, I'm starting to think being called a genius is an insult.

Kakashi rubbed his chin. "You know, I should feel offended, but considering what Obito told me the last time we got into it, I think you may be right."

Itachi grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper, jotted down a few notes, and then handed it to Kakashi. "Here..."

Kakashi stared at the page and asked. "Um, what's this?"

Itachi's eyes turned to the mouth foaming Sasuke. "I'm declaring Section 8 on my little brother."

"Isn't that indefinite military suspension for when you're not right in the head?" Kakashi asked, only to receive a deadpan look from the new Hokage elect. "...oh yeah."

Naruto and Sakura both winced. "It's only until such time as he can get proper psychological help, but for now, Sasuke needs to come off of active duty."

"Right, so I guess that means it'll just be Naruto and Sakura for the forseeable future." Kakashi said.

"Actually, I'm completely disbanding your team until Sasuke is better." Itachi said. "Naruto is going to be going on a mission with Jiraiya to bring Tsunade back to the village, and after that he's going to be training him."

The look that the Hokage elect gave to Jiraiya stated quite plainly that he intended for the old lech to actually train Naruto, not fool around. Just because he was willing to take the chair until Naruto was ready didn't mean he planned to keep it for very long. He wanted Naruto ready to replace him as soon as possible.

"And Sakura?" Kakashi asked.

"I'm giving her to Anko." Itachi replied, causing every one of the other older nin to wince. "From what I've been able to learn, her abilities are laughable, and calling her a kunoichi is an insult to women like Tsunade, Yuugao, Kurenai, and Anko. I partially blame you for that, Kakashi, but knowing how lazy you are, I'm not exactly surprised. Spending some time with Anko will go a long way in getting her up to scratch. As a matter of fact, I'm sticking all of the girls from that graduating class into boot camp with her, because from what I've seen, only the Hyuuga girl can really be called skilled, but she has so little confidence in what talent she does have, that it's pretty much useless."

"I see, so does that mean I've got some time off?" Kakashi asked hopefully.

"No, I'm temporarily reassigning you to your old Anbu team." Itachi said, his face losing its stoicism, for one of deep annoyance. "I'm assigning you the mission of finding out who blocked all the attempts for Naruto being adopted."

Naruto's eyes went wide. "You mean someone wanted me?"

Itachi turned softened eyes to the boy. My mother was on the waiting list, but my father being a twat kept her from doing more. I'm also aware of attempts by Tsume Inuzuka, Hitomi Hyuuga before she passed, several members of the Aburame clan, and Teuchi Ichiraku."

Naruto's eyes glazed a bit. "Teuchi- jiisan tried to adopt me?"

"Yes, he tried no less than four times."

Naruto was almost ready to have a mental break, before he paused and thought about things for a moment. "Actually, I'm kind of glad about that last one, cuz Ayame is really pretty, and that would have been awkward."

Kakashi, ever the voice of perverted reason- Jiraiya was just the voice of sheer perversion- decided to mention. "Well, you're not blood related, so it's not really incest. It's like having the tabooey goodness, without the wrong-sick aspects."

Blushing, Naruto announced. "...kinky."

Itachi, showing that even he had a slight perverted streak, added. "I'll say."

Sakura, who wasn't at all amused by the implications even if she couldn't really say why, growled. "NARUTO!"

Naruto, taking care not to alienate his immediate crush, quickly backpeddaled. "Don't worry, you can join too, I do know Kage Bunshin after all."

"More like you rape the jutsu like a two dollar whore." Jiraiya added, still amazed at the sheer number he was capable of creating at once. Sure, he himself had the reserves to make a few hundred, but he was a Kage level shinobi. That someone with Naruto's control could make so many, without even feeling the mental strain that should have resulted, that was more than impressive.

Sakura, who was about to slug Naruto, actually took a moment to think about that statement. It wasn't until her recently discovered hormones connected the dots that she gasped, and developed an impressive nosebleed.

Inner Sakura, upon realizing the conclusion her outer self had come to, tossed a portrait of Sasuke over her shoulder, and changed into an orange and blue cheerleading outfit while announcing. "I'm sold."

Eyebrow raised, Kisame couldn't help asking. "Is it always like this in Konoha?"

Kakashi gave a shrug. "Aside from the periodic attempts by ridiculously powerful being to destroy the village, pretty much."

"So entertaining craziness, and chances to fight," He pondered, before reaching a decision. "-what's a guy have to do to get in on this action?"

888

Outside office door, Anko and Ino could be found eavesdropping. Moments before, Anko had given the girl a rather sadistic grin upon hearing the new Hokage's plans for the rookie kunoichi. Ino, on the other hand, had been highly amused at the fate of her rival, until she'd been included in the assessment. It wasn't until the conversation had turned to Naruto that things took a turn for the interesting.

"Kage Bunshin eh?" Anko said with a hentai grin. "I'd heard rumors about that, but hearing Jiraiya talk about it like that is very interesting."

Ino found herself having a sudden epiphany. "So that's why Hinata was always so crazy about Naruto, and never even gave Sasuke a second look."

"Smart girl." Anko taunted.

"...think he's big?" Ino asked, her face turning crimson.

"Best ask the Hyuuga girl...Byakugan will tell, after all." Anko replied as if it was obvious to any who bothered to develop common sense.

Ino's eyes went almost impossibly wide as she finally saw the big picture. Hinata's eyes could see both the chakra network, as well as through clothes, so she'd had the inside scoop on all the boys in their class. It was no wonder she'd been so firm in her decision about Naruto. "Wow...Hinata really was on top of things."

As the two were contemplating Naruto's dimensions, a random nurse appeared, and provided something of an answer. "If you must know, Naruto-kun is huge, actually. I've been doing his check ups since he was six, and he's always been much bigger than he should be."

Anko's brows raised in interest. "How big are we talking?"

The nurse rubbed her chin. "I'd wager that he's already slightly larger in size than the average adult. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to give the new Hokage the mandatory physical."

Anko gave a perverted grin. "Something tells me that you're going to enjoy that."

The nurse returned her hentai grin. "Very much so. Here, you'll appreciate this, I'm sure." She said, handing Anko a photo. "Our little secret."

Curious, Anko turned it over, and read the back of the photo. Written in black marker, was, 'Uzumaki, Naruto. Age 13. Shortly after graduation.'.

Anko's eyes widened, as she turned the photo back over. Looking over her shoulder, Ino only needed on glance to declare. "I'm having Naruto's babies."

"Ditto." Anko replied in a breathy voice. Even if she had to wait a few years to get ahold of him, from what she could see it would be well worth it.

With a smirk, the nurse reminded them. "Only if you can handle sharing, cuz there are others who want a piece of him too. Others who are much more deserving of his love and attention."

Anko shrugged as she replied. "Hey, he knows Kage Bunshin, so he shouldn't have any problems handling all of us. Besides, a bunch of playmates to go along with all those gaki's makes it all the more fun. Although, I have to ask; do I want to know how you got this picture?"

The nurse just gave a shrug. "I'm actually the inspiration behind Naruto's sexy jutsu, but I told him that I wouldn't let him study me naked unless he took off as much as I did."

Anko gave her a suspicious look. "That still doesn't explain the picture."

"If Naruto trusts you, he can be talked into almost anything." The nurse admitted. "However, I would suggest that you not take advantage of something like that. When the Uzumaki are involved, manipulation of that sort can bring you bad joojoo."

Ino let loose a few hentai giggles. She knew exactly how she was gonna get Naruto's attention.

888888888

Whats the Hokage really smoking in that pipe?

Sarutobi was in a very good mood. He'd finished all of his paperwork for the day, and it was cause for a celebration. Reaching into his desk, he pulled out the bag with his special pipe filling. Pressing a button on his desk, he called out.

"Secretary-chan, would you be a dear and run to Ichiraku's and pick me up an Xtra Large Chicken Ramen."

"Right away, Hokage-sama." A cheerful voice said. After a moments thought, he pressed the button again.

"Make that a double." He said. Something told the old kage that Naruto would show up about the same time as his food. That boy was like a ramen bloodhound.

888888888

Silly Drabble 54

Even though he'd gone on that date last night, had had a wonderful time with Hinata, and even hoped that she could become his girlfriend, his first crush still held a place in his heart. Not to mention she could stimulate bloodflow in his pants just as easily as Hinata's uber bust could. While she was rather petite compared to other girls, Hinata was actually the only one of the Konoha twelve still shorter than Sakura, she was still sexy. Her exotic hair had always gotten his libido going, and he was sure that Hinata's hair being that equally exotic indigo was one of the things that had pulled him to her.

Her top, unlike when they'd been younger, was much more filled in now in the chest area. While she wasn't the bustiest of girls, Naruto had seen something else on her during a diplomatic mission to Yuki that had made his pants tight the entire trip. While her breasts were small, maxing at a small B according to Ero-Sennin's guide, she had very large, and he was willing to bet extremely sensitive, nipples. They weren't large in a gross manner though, like some of those pervy manga he'd seen where the girls had nipple penises; Sakura's nipples looked like they'd be more at home on Tsunade's breasts. And before anyone gets worried, no he's not calling her baachan any more; it just wasn't the thing you called the woman who popped your cherry. Old woman or not, she still had the goods and the skill to make a guy pop his cork several times; each one harder and more voluminous than that last. But he was getting off topic.

While all of that was very nice, it was her posterior that was causing his current bout of tight pants. Her tight, firm buttocks moved so wonderfully in her short spandex shorts, and the partial skirt she wore over it did little to help; because it certainly didn't cover much. Now while he knew that Sakura was sexy, he also knew that what he was feeling was mostly lust. He really liked Hinata now, and wasn't about to jeapardize a good thing just to appease his libido. Besides, if last night was any indication, Hinata wasn't going to make him wait long before spending the night with him. Or, according to Neji and Hanabi, she was tired of waiting, and she was going to take what was hers. Naruto's thoughts were suddenly broken by a familiar tone of voice from his female teammate. He suddenly realized that she'd finished her conversation with the fruit stand lady, and had turned to face him.

"NA-RU-TO!" Sakura growled. "Were you staring at my ass thinking perverted thoughts?" Naruto's eyes went wide.

"No, no of course not." He quickly lied, waving his hands in front of his face. "I'd never do that."

Of course, Sakura had always been able to tell when he was lying; well, at least about perverted stuff. To his shock, Sakura didn't pound him, but gave him a cute pout that almost made him mess himself. 'Dear Kami, has she been taking lessons from Hinata.' Hinata, though she didn't know it, was just too cute for her own good. How she'd managed to go this long without someone losing their mind, and fucking her silly with all of the cute stuff she did without thinking, was beyond him. Now Sakura was doing it too. If he thought her reaction was crazy, her reply was even more so.

"Mou, how come?" Naruto's nose began to bleed, and the Pinkette pounced on it. "Come on Naruto-kun, am I not sexy enough?" Naruto's brain was going into melt down, but being a Sage, and having made the Kyuubi his bitch, Naruto's self control was strong, and he rallied himself against the onslaught.

"Sakura-chan, what are you doing?" He asked, neutrally, though anyone who glanced down would be able to see the five person tent in his pants

"Well, I had a bit of a revalation last night while I was in the shower." She said. "I realized that I was thinking about you when I was touching myself, and that more often than not, it was fantasies of you I masturbated to lately." She paused to see if Naruto had reacted to that, and if the blood coming from his nose was any indication, she had him right where she wanted him. "I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to be with you Naruto, and I realized when I saw you with Hinata that if I didn't get my head out of my tight little ass, I was going to lose you." Sakura didn't realize it, but she'd just given Naruto the fuel to overcome her sensual image mind number.

'Hinata.' Naruto thought.

"Hinata!" He called, shaking off the brain cloud. "Look Sakura, as much as I'd love to take you up on your offer, I really like Hinata, and I want to see how things go with her."

Sakura was stunned, and didn't know how to respond to that. It had only been one date, not even a serious one, and he'd already decided she was going to be his first girlfriend. Now one thing to know about Sakura, is that when her emotions are clouded, and she finds herself in situations like these (things aren't going smoothly), she has a tendency to panic. When she panics, she has a tendency toward saying or doing rash things on the spur of the moment, and it's usually a 50/50 success rate that things work out. Luckily for her, her inner desires for Naruto were smart enough to know what needed to be done.

"Oh, that's all right." She said, blushing. "I think it might be fun with three of us." Sakura didn't know it, but she'd just set up the event that would lead to peace between the nations; but that's another story. Before we get to that, well, there was some fun that would be had once the two ninja paid a visit to the Hyuuga Compound, Sakura dragging a bloody faced, tent pitching Naruto the whole way.

*Both Hinata and Sakura have sensitive chests; Sakura could cum hard just by having her nipples sucked, and Hinata's entire breast seemed to become an erogenous zone when Naruto touched her.

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Silly Drabble 55

What if Naruto got summoning much sooner than expected, and Jiraiya taught him one of his special jutsu?

"So what does this justu do anyway?"

"It's the perfect jutsu to make someone make a mess of themselves." He said, grinning lecherously. "I remember once I made Tsunade wet the entire front of her skirt..

Of course, in hindsight that had been the biggest mistake he'd made in his life in regards to the woman he loved. Not only had he awaken a week later in the hospital after the beating she gave him, but it had also ruined any chances he'd had with her. Learning that she'd considered dating him until that incident had been really depressing.

"You mean like making someone piss themselves?!" Naruto asked excitedly.

"Yeah, sure." Jiraiya said, annoyed at the boy's naivete.

"That's the best prank jutsu ever! You're cooler than I thought, Ero-Sennin." Naruto's exclamation actually made Jiraiya smile.

"And what's even better, is that it can make someone faint afterwards too." Jiraiya bragged, remembering how he'd shaken Dan's hand with the jutsu active in a fit of jealousy, and how Tsunade had hit him hard enough to send him flying clear across the village in retaliation. 'Yes, a hard enough orgasm could make someone faint.'

What Naruto is really taught, is a jutsu that makes a person cum with insane strength, and the more chakra put into it, the stronger the orgasm. And given Naruto's poor chakra control...this jutsu can be quite devastatingly pleasurable in his hands.

"Hey Sakura, my new sensei just showed me the most awesome jutsu ever." Naruto exclaimed.

"What's it do?" She asked, curious.

"It can not only make someone wet themselves, but it can make them pass out too." Naruto grinned. "You wanna see it?" Sakura thought for a moment. Sure it was an immature jutsu, but it might be funny to see. Of course she didn't want him to try it on her.

"Yeah, and I've got an idea of who we can use it on." She said.

Try it on Ino, who cums so hard she collapses, and passes out. Taking a whiff, Naruto makes a rather rude comment.

"Hmm, it doesn't smell like she pissed herself." Naruto said. "Smells more like she put a fish in her pants, then poured some water on herself." It was at this time that Sakura's mind connected all the dots that Ino's reaction to the jutsu was showing her.

"Naruto...you..." Her face turned bright red. "You pervert!" She screamed, before taking a swing at him...only to miss when he snapped up straight to protest that it wasn't his fault.

"What did I do?" Naruto grumbled. "Ero-sennin told me that jutsu was going make someone go to the bathroom on themselves."

Three Years Later...

"Hey Sakura-chan, you want to see how strong I've gotten." Sakura saw the familiar glow on Naruto's hand, and backed away.

"Uh uh, now way, Naruto." She said. "I saw what that jutsu could do three years ago, and given how much you seem to have grown, there's no telling how much stronger that jutsu is now."

"N-Naruto-kun?" A soft voice behind him asked. Naruto turned, and found the shy Hyuuga heiress, and gave her a wide grin.

"Hinata-chan!" Naruto called, and grabbed her in a hug, momentarily forgetting that his jutsu was still activated. As soon as Naruto's hand touched her, Hinata's pupiless eyes rolled up into her head, and she let out a low groan of pleasure as she started to convulse in Naruto's arms. He let go suddenly, and she collapsed to the ground. He blushed when he noticed that his hand was still glowing.

As for Hinata, well, she experienced that which would make Naruto a SSS-rank threat to kunoichi all over the continent. Within seconds, the entirety of her pants was soaked. The puddle surrounding the unconscious Hyuuga, and the ten minute twitch were a testament to just how strong that jutsu was now. It should also be noted, that when she finally awoke, Hinata would vow to marry Naruto no matter what it took.

"Naruto, keep that jutsu away from me if you know what's good for you." Sakura growled, before another thought came to her that gave her a wicked grin. "On second thought, come with me, I've been meaning to pay Ino back for that tasetless comment about my chest."

"Tasteless comment?"

"She told me that if my chest was as big as my forehead, I wouldn't have so much trouble getting attention from guys."

"Hey Sakura-chan, you want to see what happens when someone gets hit was the safest maximum?"

A few minutes later...

"Naruto, I could almost kiss you right now." Sakura exclaimed, seeing the twitching, orgasmic wreck that was Ino Yamanaka. Little did anyone know, Hinata would have a rival for Naruto's attention for all of two weeks. That was how long it took Ino to realize she didn't have to fight Hinata over one Naruto, when he could easily become as many as they wanted him to.

888888888

Why Akatsuki is really so pissy about those rings...

When Itachi Uchiha massacred his clan, he never would have thought that just six weeks later he'd be technically married off to another man.

"Do you Itachi, swear to follow this organisation from this day forward?" Pein asked, dressed like a bishop.

"Do I have to do this?" Itachi pleaded.

"It's tradition." Pein answered. 'Even if it's only been a tradition for a few months.'

"I do." Itachi sighed.

"Kisame, do you take this man to be you partner, for as long as you both shall live?"

"This is so gay." The former Kiri nin muttered.

"Ahem..." A voice cleared.

"Yeah, yeah." Kisame agreed, hoping to move things along.

"Do it right." Konan growled, refusing to have her precious ruined because of something as mundane as embarrassment.

Kisame heaved a sigh "I do."

With an inward smirk, Pein announced. "I now pronounce you partners of Akatsuki. Now Kisame, place the ring on his finger." While this part wasn't particularly part of the ceremony, Nagato felt a little extra humiliation was called for for trying to hold up proceedings.

At the reception afterwards, the happy partnership sat at the head table. Barely moving his lips, Kisame whispered to his new teammate. "I hope you're as good as everyone thinks you are, cuz I am NOT doing this again."

While his face gave nothing away, inwardly, Itachi was wondering how Kisame would react when Sasuke 'took his revenge' like he planned. Hmm, maybe he could leave a note behind for Kisame to find right before he fought his little brother.

888

A few years later, after the death of Sasori, a new member of Akatsuki was initiated.

"Deidara," Pein's projection spoke from his shadowed form. "-meet your new partner."

"Tobi is a good boy." The masked man said.

"Leader- sama, please," Deidara begged. "-you can't be serious. Not him, anyone but him."

"Hidan's already been setup with Kakuzu. Your partner is dead. Tobi is the new recruit. Do the math."

Deidara could eeasily be seen and heard grumbling. "I should have just let Kakashi hit me with whatever that jutsu was."

Pein smirked, but no one could actually see it. "But you didn't, so go get ready. Konan and I will be there shortly."

As the form his leader, and the only female in Akatsuki disappeared Deidara turned to Itachi. "For the love of god, kill me. If there's any humanity left inside you at all, please end me."

Itachi inwardly smirked. "No, you shall suffer as I have."

Turning to his partner, Kisame grunted out. "Hey, this ain't exactly been a walk in the park for me either."

Itachi just gave him a shrug. "Understood. Still...we're better off compared to Hidan and Kakuzu."

Kisame gave a shark-like grin. "Yeah, at least we like each other."

Itachi gave only the barest of twitches "Kisame..."

"Yeah, I know, but that was the least homosexual way I could think of to say it."

Itachi gave a mental facepalm, he was far too stoic to actually do so. "Honestly, who came up with this?"

On her way to the sight of the latest Akatsuki 'wedding', Konan could be found snickering to herself.

'This is the best idea I've ever come up with.' She thought. 'Even better than flashing Nagato my boobs to make sure that he wasn't gay. Though I have to admit that it's really sad that this is the only source of entertainment around here. Hmm, I should probably start to prepare for when things get boring again. Now,who should I arrange an accident for next?'

She got her answer as soon as she entered the cave the group was meeting at. "HAIL JASHIN-SAMA!"

"DAMMIT HIDAN!" Came Kakuzu's answering yell. "This suit was expensive, be more careful with that glorified toothpick."

Grinning, Konan muttered. "Hellooo victims, now which one of you should have a bout of clumsiness?"

After all, it really didn't matter, because either way it went, it should make for another amusing ceremony. Seriously, things hadn't been this amusing since the first few awkward ceremonies. As fun as it was, Konan had to admit that it had gotten weird the first time she'd introduced the practice. Orochimaru had made it no secret that he wanted to be partnered with Nagato. Konan, or course, had a problem with that. While she would later learn that he'd been after Nagato's eyes, the way he came across gave her the impression that he was competition. She'd been the one to suggest the initial teams, and made sure that Orochimaru would be paired with someone that Nagato didn't trust.

She'd actually been surprised when the creepy man had nodded at her in understanding. From what she'd understood of men, they weren't supposed to understand hints like that, but apparently he had. Still, the creep had tried to get a little too familiar with her man- well, he would be if he developed a fucking personality- so she felt something needed to be done to send the message home loud and clear.

That had been when she'd come up with the imitation wedding ceremonies to make the teams official. As she exchanged her Akatsuki vows with Nagato, Orochimaru had given her a of morose defeat. Even still, she'd been in the process of arranging an accident for the former Konoha ninja, because she still didn't trust him. At least she had been until Itachi came along, and the sicko went after the younger man. It was just too bad he escaped before Itachi could finish the job, and he took the ring too, the slimy bastard. Little did she know, after 'losing' Nagato to Konan, Orochimaru had taken things with the vows a little too seriously. The ring he'd stolen was his reminder of his 'partner'.

888

Elsewhere...

"WHY DO YOU NEVER WRITE?!" Orochiamru yelled at the henged Yamato, much to his confusion.

"IT WASN'T A MARRIAGE!" Sasori yelled in the afterlife.

888

Looking at the setup, Itachi didn't know whether to balk, or be entirely amused. Pein, as always, was officiating the even, but this time, whoever came up with this mind fuck had decided to go all out. Rather than just being guests/witnesses, they were all being forced to participate. Hidan and Kakuzu were sitting with in the area designated for the 'groom's' parents- and he would love to hear that argument about who was which parent- while Zetsu and Konan were there for the 'bride'. He and Kisame had been tasked with standing up with the two being joined, himself with Tobi and Kisame with Deidara. This, of course, was the souce of him indecision, because as the new recruit, that technically made Tobi the 'bride', which meant that he was the flipping Maid of Honor. Oh well, it wasn't like there was anything he could really do about it.

"Alright, here we go." Pein spoke in his monotone as he retrieved his wedding guidelines book from his cloak. "We're gathered here today to welcome Tobi into the fold of Akatuski."

"Tobi is a good boy." The masked man said.

"Yes, yes you are..." Pein responded in a dead voice. "You will hereby be given Deidara as your partner. Who is giving away this member?"

That question sent a round of snickers through the members of Akatsuki.

"Oh, real mature, yeah." Deidara grumbled.

"I'll be the one giving Tobi away." Black Zetsu replied once he'd gotten over his amusement.

"Like hell, I'll be the one giving Tobi away." White Zetsu argued.

Seeing that the argument about who got to do it that the the black and white halves were about to get into would ruin the event, Konan spoke up. "I'm giving the member away."

Another round of snickers caused Deidara to scowl, vowing vengeance against them all.

"Do you Deidara, take Tobi as your partner, to have and to hold, through sickness and health, till death do you part?" Pein asked.

Deidara's mutters could once again easily be heard. "Hopefully sooner than later."

"I DO!" Tobi called out enthusiastically.

Konan grinned as she spoke to the man as if he were a toddler. "It's not your turn yet, Tobi-kun."

"Oh, sorry." Tobi replied as if he actually were that same toddler.

"Now what was that, Deidara?" Pein asked.

Knowing that he didn't want to piss the man off, Deidara answered. "I said yeah, un."

Turning to the masked man, Pein said. "Do you Tobi, take Deidara as your partner, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, 'til death do you part?"

Tobi nodded exuberantly. "Tobi does, Tobi is a good boy."

Pein inwardly grinned, as they came to his favorite part. "I now pronounce you partners in Akatsuki. Place the ring on his finger, Deidara."

'You know, this is prtty fucking hilarious when you're not the one having to go through it.' Kisame thought.

After the ceremony...

"Since we are coming upon the organization's 20th anniversary, to celebrate, all partners who have been together for longer than a year will renew their vows." Considering this was everyone except the pair that had just been joined that very day, it shouldn't come as a surprise that this got a reaction.

"THE FUCK?!" Hidan and Kisame yelled.

"I'm surprised you actually went along with it" Pein said to Madara at their table while Konan enjoyed the various spastic reactions to her announcement.

The man grinned behind his mask. "What, it was fun, and I rather do enjoy watching Deidara twitch. Being his partner, and causing him undue stress is going to be quite enjoyable."

"Well, since Konan and I are going to be participating in the renewing of the vows, whose going to officiate?"

Madara smirked behind mask. "Tobi would love to, Tobi is a good boy, after all."

Konan rejoined them at the table after basking in the torment of her fellow Akatsuki members. "If nothing else, this should prove interesting, possibly even entertaining."

Pein gave a grunt of mild amusement. "Sometimes I wonder, did the past 100 years really drive you crazy?"

Madara shrugged. "Sometimes, I wonder that myself."

As if to bring that point home, his alternate persona, the one that had spawned Tobi reared its ugly head. Taking control of his body, the persona began laughing in what was supposed to be a sinister fashion, but only succeeding in registering as creepy.

"Hey, shut the fuck up." Madara growled, shaking his head violently as he wrested control back. "You've already made me seem crazy enough. I mean seriously, Moon Eye Plan? It's not even logical."

Once again, Inner Madara snatched control, before giving a loud cry of, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

With a minute twitch of the eye, Pein whispered to Konan. "I think we should go, it can get pretty ugly when he starts arguing with the voices in his head."

Having witnessed one of the arguments before herself, Konan quickly agreed, and the pair quickly relocated to another table. And not a second too soon, and Inner Madara let out a loud cry of, "DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

Several seconds later, Madara was once again able to regain control of himself, rubbing his temples at the massive headache he now had. "Ugh, that personality is getting stronger everyday, if he ever takes control, the world is in for some trouble."

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Silly Drabble 56

A/N: Since my fav pairing is now officially canon, I've decided to give something to the Naru/Saku fans who may feel jipped.

Sakura groaned, eyes closed as she leaned back against the side of her bathtub. She let loose a shiver as the hot water brushed across her still tingling skin- most notably the slightly disproportionately large balls of nerves at the peaks of her modest breasts- keeping her on edge, and refusing to let her come down. Her face lit up at the several minute fit of convulsions she'd given herself with her hand that had left her gasping for breath. She couldn't believe that she'd done that, nor that it had felt so good. More to the point, she couldn't believe that she'd just had the most intense solo orgasm of her life while thinking about him. Combined with the dreams she'd been having of late, this was becoming a serious problem. Summoning a messenger slug, she sent it to Ino.

Ten minutes later, Ino arrived at Sakura's apartment, and used the hidden spare key to let herself in. Slipping off her sandals in the entryway, Ino padded through the living space until she found Sakura in the bathroom. The scene she found made her both smirk and raise an eyebrow. Between the strategically placed candles, the scented bathwater, and the very faint hint of sex she could just make out, it was obvious what Sakura had been doing.

"So what's the emergency, Sakura?" Ino asked.

In answer, Sakura just scooted forward in the tub. The blonde sighed. That Sakura was making room for her to join her in the tub, rather than getting out to talk meant that it was going to be a sexual discussion. Not that it was a bother, since it would likely end up with them sleeping together, and Sakura had gotten rather good in bed. Hell, one might even mistake the pinkette for a real lesbian if they didn't know better. As she stripped off her clothes, her eyes fell upon the large, beautifully crafted, and insanely complex, seal on the side of the bathtub centered by the Uzumaki Clan spiral.

A scowl of jealousy marred her features for a moment as she thought about the recent creation- and who would have thought Naruto would have become so gifted in the art- and the fact that he jealously guarded his family jujutsu. To think the class deadlast would not only save the village and world one day, but create a seal that turned ones bathtub into a personal hotspring was astounding. Most frustating, perhaps, was the fact that only four bathtubs in the village had that seal: Naruto's, Hinata's, Sakura's, and Tsunade's. Shaking her head clear of negative thoughts, Ino finally stepped out of her panties. It wouldn't do to be having thoughts of frustration and jealousy when she was trying to help her friend.

Sakura noticed Ino stripping out of her peripheral vision, but her mind was focused on other things at the moment. When a shadow fell on the tub, Sakura lifted her head, and watched as Ino stettled into the tub behind her, and held her arms open. With a smile, she scooted back into the waiting arms, a content sigh escaping from her lips as she snuggled back into Ino, and relished the feel of the blonde's bare breasts against her back, before leaning her head back on Ino's shoulder. She never understood why, but she had always felt absolutely content and safe when she was being held like this by Ino; it was just another of those things she found she particularly liked, but couldn't explain. About the only other person who had this particular effect on her was Naruto when he hugged her. She gave a sigh of frustration as the thought brought her crashing back down to earth, and the reason she'd called Ino over in the first place. All that fell away when Ino began to massage her.

Ino laid her head on Sakura's shoulder as her arms encircled her best friend. Sakura tended to need to be relaxed before she would start talking, or coaxed into it, and there was no faster way than massaging the girl's torso. She started simple, her right hand gently caressed her stomach beneath the piping water, while the knuckles of her left trailed up and down Sakura's arm. This soon turned into Ino's skilled hands rubbing Sakura's toned abdomen; one hand on the upper abs, one on the lower, caressing back and forth in opposite directions.

Next her hands slid off to the sides of her torso, trailing up to just beneath her breasts, and down to her hips, never losing the back and forth motions from her abdomen. Suddenly on the apex of an upward stroke, Ino's hands paused, and moved back towards the center, rubbing across her ribcage just beneath her breasts; back and forth from sides to center. After a bit of this, her hands paused minutely at Sakura's sternum before sliding up between, across the tops, and then back down the outsides of the two small, perky making two more full circuits, Ino's hands finally settled directly onto her breasts, and gave them a soft squeeze. The soft squeeze quickly turned into gentle kneading that had Sakura moaning, though Ino was careful to try and avoid stimulating Sakura's nipples too much. That would only set the girl off, and Ino knew she needed to talk.

Opening, and turning smoldering eyes on her best friend, Sakura marveled at how Ino could so easily get her in the mood, even when she wasn't trying. Well, if she wanted to play before they talked, it didn't bother her. It wasn't exactly like sex with Ino would make her forget why she needed to talk to her. Raising her hand out of the water, she cupped Ino's cheek, before shifting it around, tangling it in Ino's hair, and pulling the blonde down for a steamy kiss. Her other claspsed Ino's right hand, and began dragging it down her torso, between her legs.

Ino couldn't feel the heat or moisture of Sakura's arousal due to the bathwater, but the plump and parted labia, and insistent way Sakura was making her hand rub against it was more than telling. Much as she wanted to- Sakura really was a great lay- something told her that Sakura needed to talk about her problem before having sex with her.

"Ah, ah, ah, Sakura-chan, talk now, play after." Ino said, breaking the kiss, much to the pinkette's disappointment. Shaking Sakura's hand off, and returning it to gently kneading the kunoichi's breast, she added. "Now, tell Ino-sama what this is all about."

"I'm dreaming about Naruto," Sakura explained with a huff at being denied; though it was kind of difficult to focus with Ino nibbling at her neck. When she finished her story, culminating with what she'd just done not even half an hour ago, and what she'd been fantasizing about, she sat back with a slight huff. "What makes it worse is that I don't know if I'm really ready to approach Naruto like that. I'm also kind of afraid that my feelings for Naruto are stronger than I thought they were, and what these dreams are trying to tell me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Naruto, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am at the possibility that I might be in love with him."

Ino smirked as she brought her lips next to Sakura's ear. After gently pulling on the lobe with her teeth, she couldn't help teasing in a husky whisper. "They're telling you that Hinata's not the only one who wants to fuck Naruto. Though I will admit that her smug, knowing grins every time his name comes up in a conversation about sex does have me curious."

"Ino, this is serious." Sakura protested, blushing as she too could remember every time Hinata had sported that grin, and how it had gotten her considering things as well.

Ino couldn't help shaking her head at how insightful Naruto was sometimes. Seriously, the smarter a person was, the more they tended to over think things. While it may be true that Sakura was developing some feelings for Naruto, it wasn't all that surprising. Naruto was attractive and charismatic, and due to his complete merge with the fox, he had gained a very potent animal magnitism that was quite overpowering to the senses. She could still remember her mother getting almost drunk off his presence while demonstrating a chakra sensing ability for her as he was walking past the shop.

Still, Ino was convinced that it was not actually love- aside from them being as close to each other as she was with Chouji and Shikamaru- that Sakura had for Naruto, but a strong desire for him based on lust. As far as the blonde was concerned, Naruto should have been the pinkette's Chouji. She loved him dearly, he was her emotional rock (when she just wanted to be held and feel safe, especially after the war when she needed a good cry over her dad's death), she could count on him and trust him with anything, and she had no qualms about seeking him out for some no strongs attached sex. After all, sometimes when her other methods weren't working, a girl just needed a guy who could get the job done, and Chouji was hers; at least he had been before he'd started dating the ramen waitress. Now he was everything but her fuck buddy.

After having a dream about being fucked senseless by him, and the orgasm she'd just given herself while simply imagining she was fellating Naruto, it was pretty obvious what Sakura needed to do. Whether she could bring herself to actually do it, Ino didn't know. She did suspect though, that if Sakura did do it, she'd probably have to share with Hinata; well, she would unless those new rumors about her and that cute medic had any weight.

Still, it always seemed that Sakura put way too much thought into everything. She could even remember how their current arrangement started.

Flashback

"Kami Sakura, you're so crabby lately." Ino accused. "I know you're not on, so what's wrong with you?"

"I don't know." Sakura admitted. "I've just been so frustrated lately."

"Maybe you need to get laid." Ino teased.

"Ino, I'm not just going to go sleep with some random guy." Sakura protested. "I want my first time to be special, with someone I care about."

"That's your problem, Sakura. We're ninja, we could die- or worse- at any time on a mission or something. We don't have the luxury of just sitting idle and waiting, you know."

"I know that." Sakura said, raising her voice, before calming. "Still, I just don't have the sexual confidence you do to just seduce some guy."

To be honest, Ino hadn't been very confident, and had ended up seducing her friend Chouji several times before gaining it. She still couldn't understand why Sakura didn't just conscript Naruto into doing it. However, since Sakura wasn't going to take the practical route, it was up to her to help.

"Who says your first time has to be with a guy?" Ino asked.

"What?

"Sakura, we've been friends since we were children, even when we were going through that rival phase. I love you, and I know the feeling is mutual. If you don't mind being with a girl, I'd be happy to help make your first sexual experience special. And it's even better, because I have experience, and can help you along."

It took a bit more convincing, but eventually Sakura had agreed, and the pair had relocated to Ino's room. Ino had started off with a simple kiss that had rather quickly become more, and soon clothes were strewn about the room. It wasn't until Ino's hand slipped down the front of Sakura's panties that Sakura again had a case of cold feet.

"Ino, I'm suddenly not sure about this." Sakura said. "I mean, a part of me is admittedly excited and more than just a bit turned on, but-"

"You're afraid that you might enjoy this more than you should." Ino said. "You're afraid that you might develop a crush on me, or find out that you might prefer girls over boys. Tell me Sakura, have you ever watched Naruto and Lee train?"

"No, he told me that if I knew what they got up to, I wouldn't let them do it." Sakura grumbled.

"Well, it's not like he was wrong," Ino admitted. "-and I have to say, you're missing quite the show."

Sakura raised an eyebrow, so Ino began teasingly describing one of their spars, paying special attention to how the sweat glistened off of them while they were going at it. She then went on to describe- to the slightly panting girl- how the beads of sweat would drip and dribble down their sculpted torsos, and what it was like following a single bead as it made the sensuous journey from chest to waistband. When she finished, she smiled at her best friend.

"Judging from your reaction, I don't think you have to worry too much about switching teams." Ino teased, motioning at Sakura's stiffened nipples. "Now, do you trust me, Sakura."

"Of course I do Ino, but what are you planning to do?" Sakura asked, just a little suspicious. The last time Ino had asked that, she'd been forced to endure a blind date, and the amorous attentions of a perverted asshole who'd not understood that no meant no.

"Okay first, I'm sorry about that, but I had no idea that my date's older brother was that kind of bastard." Ino admitted. "As for what I wanted to do, it's one of my family jutsu that will help you to relax. It'll keep you from overthinking and overanalyzing the fact that you're making love to another girl, and getting off spectacularly to it."

"Is this one of those interrogation jutsu your family uses?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah, it was normally used for making enemy shinobi feel more comfortable about giving up village secrets-" Ino said. "-but I think this is a much more fun use for it, don't you agree?

Flashback End

Ino had enjoyed completely blowing Sakura's mind that night, bringing her to climax multiple times, and driving her best friend to complete and utter blissful exhaustion. She'd let Sakura fall asleep, and had found herself just watching her friend doze softly for over an hour, calmly and gently caressing her forehead at the hairline, stroking her hair while she snuggled against her, eventually falling asleep as well. When Sakura had woken up a few hours later- just a little after midnight- Ino had found herself brought back to the land of consciousness by insistent lips kissing and suckling at her throat.

While Ino would have very much liked to go back to the very raunchy dream she'd been having- which had surprisingly featured Sakura, Naruto, a huge bed, and zero clothing- the pinkette was rather insistent that she stay awake. This insistence also included Sakura's vehement desire that Ino teach her how to recipricate the wonderful feelings that had put her to sleep. With a cheeky grin, she'd happily coached Sakura through her first attempt at pleasuring a woman. The only thing she could really say about that night was that while she would definitely need some more practice, Sakura was still a very intense, very quick, and very enthusiastic study. Three orgasms for herself, and another one for Sakura later, and the two were once again dozing, entwined in a lover's embrace.

Since that first time, Sakura had gotten a lot better at pleasing women, the practice with her spectacular self having done wonders for her friend's confidence and sexuality. Although, Ino had to admit that she was surprised at how convincing of a lesbian Sakura could be when she just let herself go, and how much she seemed to enjoy and get off on it. As a matter of fact, she was almost convinced that Sakura would be one of those girls who didn't have a true preference- aside from Naruto if she ever admitted it- and could easily be comfortable in a relationship with either gender.

Now that she was admitting to a desire for Naruto, it was only a question of whether the pinkette would snatch up Naruto, while being the ultimate bisexual girlfriend. Or would she choose to mostly be a lesbian who occasionally seduced Naruto into emptying his testicles into her and her girlfriend. To be honest, if she were in Sakura's position, she couldn't honestly say which choice she'd pick. Maybe a hook up with Naruto might settle things...or it might make things more complicated. Great, now she was getting all hot and bothered thinking about Naruto, and she couldn't even act on it without betraying her friendship with Sakura until pinky actually figured it out for herself.

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If that wasn't to your liking...then I guess it sucks to be you.