Chapter 12

Bound by choice

"We are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes."

Jessica stood in the warming afternoon sun and looked into the hole that had been Deidra Chambers' grave for over a decade. Earlier this morning her body had been exhumed and would be buried next to her parents within the next week. Thomas Chambers had outdone himself with his quick arrangements. Jessica had no idea how he had done it, but Aaron Harper hadn't been arrested again – despite everything that surrounded his dubious escape and the faking of his own death.

"Here you are!" She turned her head, when she heard Preston's voice behind her. He was approaching her with fast steps and a broad smile on his face. Since the knot around Carter's murder had been solved he seemed much more energetic and content with himself. Perhaps the events had given him the necessary motivation to get the treatment he needed.

"Did the police leave?" she asked.

"Yes, fifteen minutes ago. To my surprise they didn't even try to arrest me – they didn't mention the fact that I'm out on parole. Thanks to you I have an ironclad alibi for the time of Blake's murder. Which reminds me… just before I came here Aaron got a call from Chambers. They've arrested Melanie at the airport. She confessed to killing Blake right at the spot after we left. He had a gun in his bedroom and she knew where it was... she shot him and placed the gun in his hand, hoping to get away with it somehow."

Jessica shook her head. "What a useless crime, and badly executed too."

Preston shrugged, "I won't condemn her. She felt betrayed and manipulated by Blake and then she lost her temper. I can relate to that... I hope she'll land on her feet and one day will make a better life for herself."

"I'm sure she will… although probably later than sooner," Jessica said.

"Can I take you out for dinner tonight?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Yes, why not… is it a special occasion?"

"In a way," he admitted. "This is our last evening, I suppose – unless you have changed your mind and you won't leave for Maine tomorrow."

It was obvious he was hoping against hope she would reconsider her plans, and so she was gentle when she answered, "It's time to go home, Preston. My typewriter is waiting for me."

"I feared you would say something like that."

"You know how publishers are," she joked. "They always demand a new manuscript even before the other one is even finished."

"If I was still your publisher I would make every exception for you."

She remembered the busy, workaholic publisher from seven ago and chuckled, "I'm not so sure about that... Preston, are you trying to flirt with me?"

"Am I that obvious?"

She nodded playfully and he bowed his head. "I promise you, tonight I'll do my best to be more subtle."

The restaurant Preston had picked was a small, intimate place close to the beach. The weather had improved since the heavy storm, and from their table they had the perfect view of the settling sun. The food was superb, the wine exquisite, and the music subtle. The dinner could have quickly turned into a romantic interlude, if their common past and present hadn't left its bloody stamp on their relationship. With them it was always about death, betrayal – and blackmail. Jessica realized that while they were talking about the inevitable subject of Carter McEntyre and Blake Napiers' murders.

"I feel guilty," Preston said after finishing his espresso. "If I hadn't taken my revenge on Blake, he wouldn't have had any reason to embezzle money from Harper Industries in the first place. No bad deed goes unpunished, I guess."

Jessica shook her head, "I don't think so. Blake was a manipulator. I bet it wasn't the first time he broke the law to get what he wanted."

"Still, I guess that's another dark spot against my soul I have to live with."

"Will you stay here?" she asked. Now that it seemed that Kate and Aaron would stay to rebuild the company, he could have a good life in their midst.

"I guess so...," he carefully avoided her eyes when he added, "Where else should I go?"

She shrugged and thought it was time to bring up the subject of his illness. "You could seek treatment," she suggested in a tone that suggested he better not try to change the subject. He took his time and finished his wine before he answered. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't think I will. I want to use what ever time I have left for something else than vegetating in a hospital bed."

"And what do you want to do?" she asked. "I can't picture you sitting around, doing nothing."

"Oh, I won't," he said and straightened up. "Actually, I have plans and you're a big part of them."

She didn't understand, "Me?"

He nodded, "Yes, you."

The man would never cease to surprise her. With growing amazement and fascination she listened to his plan and in the end, she was too baffled to give him an answer.

"I need to think about your proposition," she said, as he bid her good night. They stood in the hallway in front of Aaron's study.

"That's all I could hope for," Preston said. "Fact is, you'd make me a happy man, if you joined my cause."

For a moment their eyes locked and then she looked away. The temptation to say yes right there and now was strong, but she told herself to use her head. There were several aspects to consider before she committed herself to any kind of cause.

"Good night, Preston."

He closed the distance between them and placed a short, soft kiss on her lips.

"Good night, Jess," he said and went to his room.

The next morning, Jessica first thought she was alone. The house seemed deserted and there was no breakfast served in the dining room. She finally found Kate in the kitchen. She was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper, in front of her a cup of coffee. The table was filled with toast, marmalade and a pan with scrambled eggs.

"Good morning! I'm sorry for the lack of grace at breakfast, but our maid quit last night," Kate said with an ironic smirk. She put away the newspaper and offered Jessica a seat next to hers.

"Why did she quit?" Jessica asked, surprised.

"She didn't say it that way, but I think there were too many dead people around here for her taste. I think she feared for her life expectancy."

"I see..." Amused by Kate's sarcastic choice of words, Jessica helped herself for some coffee and filled her plate with scrambled eggs.

"Are you sure you want to leave us today?" Kate asked.

"I'm afraid I have to," Jessica said between two sips of coffee. "I have an appointment with my publisher and my typewriter. I'm afraid I have to make amends to both of them!"

"We will miss having you around," Kate said. "Unless, of course..."

"Unless, of course, what?"

"Preston's told me he'd made you an offer..."

She had hoped Preston hadn't told anyone about it, but then why shouldn't he talk to Kate? "I'm thinking about it. That's all I can say at the moment."

Kate seemed to have noticed Jessica's hesitation and lifted her hands in defense. "Oh, forgive me! I didn't want to impose on you. I'm just glad you are... you, I guess. I haven't really apologized for what I said the other day. I had no right to talk to you about Preston. I was confused and... out of line."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Jessica said. She wanted to add, 'You've got me thinking about it,' but she kept that to herself. To her regret all the things she had wanted to resolve for herself with this trip were still on her mind and her last conversation with Preston didn't change that.

Perhaps Cabot Cove was what she needed now - Cabot Cove and its atmosphere of common sense and simplicity. Cabot Cove, her safe harbor. Earlier she had tried to call Seth, but she couldn't reach him. Neither he nor his nurse, Beverly, had answered the phone and so she had left a message for him on his answering machine. She hoped he would pick her up from the airport this evening. They needed to talk, although she still couldn't put her finger on what exactly had gone wrong between them.

"Let me just say this," Kate said. "I would be very happy to see you again. I know you don't want to hear it and what I say to you now will be my last comment on the subject… you're good for Preston. In a way you bring out the best in him. Not many people can say that!"

"Will you call, when you get home?" Preston asked, as he helped her out of the car. This time he had chosen to drive her to the airport himself, instead of calling upon the chauffeur. The atmosphere between them was quiet, almost contemplative, as if both needed to take their time reflect about the last couple of days.

"I will," she promised.

He placed his hand on her back and together they crossed the runway until they reached the private jet.

"Will you think about my proposition?" he asked.

"I will, but only if you promise to think about my conditions," she returned.

"I'm not sure, it would make a lot of sense…" he sighed, but when he saw the insistence on her face he added, "I will think about it."

"That's what I wanted to hear."

He bent over to kiss her cheek, "Goodbye Jess and thank you for… being you, I guess." For a split second she expected him to kiss her again, but he withdraw and a melancholy she hadn't felt in years seized her.

"Goodbye, Preston," she said and rushed up the stairs, before she would say or do something she couldn't be held accountable for.

When Jessica returned home, it was already dark outside. She frowned when she saw the light in her living room window was switched on. Did Seth do that? No one else had a key for her house. Just to be careful she asked the driver to take her suitcase inside. She unlocked the door and entered her house with a strange feeling of uneasiness. Something didn't feel right about her return.

"Seth!" He was sitting in the armchair at the fireplace, absorbed in a newspaper. Pointedly slow, he looked up from his reading. She noticed how tired he looked and was instantly worried.

"Seth, is everything all right?"

"Aye, I'm fine, Jessica. I was just waiting for you."

She thanked the driver and paid him. "You've given me quite a scare!" she admitted when she came back. "I tried to call you, but you didn't answer the phone."

"I got your message, but I was out all day… I figured it wouldn't make a lot of sense to pick you up and so I decided to wait here."

"That's kind of you." She gave him a smile. It was a smile he didn't return. "Do you want some tea?" she asked and then her eyes fell on the newspaper. It was from the day before and a sensational headline boasted over a recent photograph of the late Blake Napier.

Seth ignored her question and folded the paper. "As a matter of fact I didn't expect you to be back so soon," he said and disposed the paper carelessly on the small table next to the armchair. "You've been quite busy."

"Seth, what is wrong?" she asked bluntly. She was tired, full of conflicting emotions, and not in the mood to play passive-aggressive games.

"You tell me, what's wrong."

"I'm fine," she said with a shrug.

"From the look on your face I can tell you aren't, and I suppose the reason for this is the infamous Mr. Giles."

"Preston Giles is not what this conversation is about," she argued.

"Oh, I think it is. You've brought around a couple of strange fellas during the last couple of years, but you have to admit he's the most dubious of all of them."

"I don't have to justify myself before you."

"Nope, you surely don't have to. It's your life, but I thought I was your friend and friends tend to watch out for another."

"Yes, I thought that's what we do," she agreed. "I just don't know what's so different this time. I told you I wasn't in danger and I wasn't."

"Just because the man hasn't put you in physical danger doesn't mean he isn't dangerous for you."

"Seth, please..."

"You're vulnerable to this man, Jess. He's stamped on your heart and you still think he's worth your attention and..." he left the sentence incomplete, which caused her to stare at him until he broke off the eye contact. "Damn it, Jess..."

It wasn't the first time Jessica had sensed that his attitude was born from mere jealousy, but it had never been more obvious. Though her better judgment told her not to say it, she decided to tell him the truth.

"Last night, he made a proposal to me," she said in a low voice. "He's planning to establish a foundation to help convicted criminals to have a fresh start in life after their release and he's asked me to join him and that's what I keep thinking about."

He took the news with his usual stoic manner, "Does that mean you plan to see him again – I mean on a regular basis?"

"I haven't decided anything yet," she admitted. "But I think it's a good cause."

"At least he knows how to get you," he mumbled.

"If you knew him at all, you would realize his intentions are way better than you imply."

"Oh, I don't think he's making all this effort just to lure you into his bed, I just think he's knows how to kill two birds with one stone." Seth's use of the word 'bed' made her temper flare.

"Seth, I think this conversation is over." She needed a break from this or she would start to cry. This was by far the ugliest fight they'd ever had. She rose from the armchair and rushed in the direction of her kitchen. Sensing he had gone too far, he followed her.

"I'm sorry, Jess," he said, his voice rawer than she had ever heard it. "I didn't mean it that way."

"Well, you know what? I think you did!" she snapped back.

"It's just that I can't for the life of me understand what you see in him!"

"And you'll never understand it, because you weren't there."

He seemed sincerely baffled by explanation, "What do you mean?"

"After Frank died and I needed to occupy myself with something, he published my book. He sort of made my new life possible and now I want to help him to change his life for the better. That shouldn't be so hard to understand." That was only part of the truth, but it wasn't a lie either, yet he looked as if she had slapped him.

"Aye, it's true… I wasn't here when Frank died, because at that time I was practicing in Portland…."

"This is not an accusation," she clarified quickly. "It's just…."

"The truth," he concluded. "I wasn't here and he was. Maybe it is that simple."

"That is not what I meant!" She wanted to tear out her hair in frustration. At which point had this gone wrong?

Seth sighed and sank onto the next kitchen chair. "Since we've reached the point of exchanging unpleasant truths, I can share one myself. Just to set the record straight. Perhaps you'd better sit down yourself."

She did as he asked; her knees were shaking anyway. "Please, Seth," she started an attempt to steer the conversation into calmer waters.

"No, no…. I guess you are right. Perhaps it doesn't matter that he killed two people. Perhaps it's just important that he gave you something no one else has."

She left his statement uncommented upon, and waited for him to continue. "The truth is, I wasn't eager to return to Cabot Cove for a long time. Ruth's death had hit me hard… I was grieving and broke, after I had paid all the medical bills, so going to Portland seemed a logical step to move forward. But that's only half of the truth."

"And what's the other half?" she asked.

"The other half is the reason I couldn't look at my own reflection for months. Even before Ruth had died I had found myself falling for another woman. Of course, I never acted on it. She was married herself and I buried every feeling for her until I had nothing much left to feel…."

He looked at her, his eyes glistening with regret and profound sadness. Jessica swallowed and lowered her eyes. She didn't want to hear this. It was too painful for him and the last thing she wanted was to see him in such pain. He was a good man who didn't deserve this kind of turmoil. She reached out to squeeze his arm, but he pulled away.

"Don't," he whispered.

"Seth, I don't want to hurt you," she said.

"I know you don't, but since you're the woman in question any kind of sympathy from you, especially in this situation, is painful to bear."

Her heart missed several beats while her brain processed his words, until their meaning had finally settled in. She shook her head in disbelief. She had always known he cared for her – cared deeply for her. He was a big, vital part of her life - sometimes too protective, yes, and she had never really questioned it. It had always been easier not to question their friendship.

"Seth, I had no idea…." He made her speechless and helpless.

"Of course, you didn't. And why should you? It's entirely my burden to bear, but it's become too much recently. Not just because of Mr. Giles. I admit that I was afraid of you wanting him, no, actually that you are right in wanting him, because you've got such a big heart. But it's also true that you have changed. All the books, the bestsellers, and the money have changed you. Not for the worse, of course. You're still one of the most honorable and wonderful people I've ever met, but your world has grown bigger, while mine hasn't changed."

A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away. At one go, he rose. "I'm sorry, Jess, but I think I have to go now. I'll see you… perhaps not tomorrow, though. I think we both need some time to stomach this. Perhaps I'll take some weeks off…. A fishing trip or some hiking would be nice."

She nodded in silence, but didn't dare to watch him, as he left her house through the back door. For a long time, she just sat there in silence while the clock on the wall counted the hours. When dawn arrived, she had come to decision about the choices she had been facing. It wasn't the first time she had to let go of a man. She had been there before and she would make the best of it again.

She picked up the phone and waited for someone to pick up. "It's me, Jessica… I think we need to talk."