Disclaimer: Your life is an illusion. Don't believe me, as our bunny overlords.
A/N: This is a version 2 of the last chapter. I found this one that I'd originally planned to use hidden in an email. Largely the same, but with some differences and Kumo's reaction. Also, Cliche isn't dead, it just had a hot night with two Uzumaki girls, and is still recovering.
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In Sunagakure
"Kazekage-sama, I have some terrible news." Baki said, barging into his office.
"Yes, what is it?!" Rasa snapped, quickly causing the rather sentimental image of his family that he'd been making of his golden sand to collapse to the desk. Couldn't let the subordinates see him being soft, especially since the image also contained his wife and youngest son and the dreams of what he'd hoped the sealing of Shukaku would earn, not the horror he got. "Tell me already man, I don't have all day."
"Our spy network has just confirmed a very disturbing rumor."
"This better not be about the Sandaime being a closet pervert." The man growled. The jounin shook his head. "Then what is it? I'm busy."
"No sir, we've just received intelligence reports from spys near Wave that could change the dynamics of everything in the Elemental Nations."
"What kind of intelligence?"
"Sir, Konoha has been harboring a secret weapon for years, and no one knew." Baki said. "One that is even more powerful than Gaara."
"WHAT?!"
"Hai, sir. Apparently, they have been harboring Uzumaki."
"I'm well aware of the fact Konoha has been harboring Uzumaki." The man said. "The Shodai's wife was an Uzumaki, and his granddaughter has the blood in her. Fortunately for us, Mito-sama is dead, and Tsunade-hime has taken to the life of a drunk recluse."
"Actually sir, it appears there was another, a female, and apparently she reproduced. While we have been able to confirm her death, Konoha has still been harboring an Uzumaki for the past twelve years."
"WHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTT?!" The man yelled, before composing himself. "Are we sure it was an Uzumaki?"
"Hai sir, I was even directed to confirm the evidence with Lady Chiyo before reporting to you." The Jounin answered. "According to our spies, while his appearance suggests otherwise, the boy has routinely pranked Konoha's Anbu, and led their elite ninja on several chases around the village that lasted hours; only ending when the Hokage or two other ninja were involved."
With a twitch, the Kazekage asked. "What information do we have on the other two ninja?"
"The most recent one is Chuunin Iruka Umino." He said. "Reports have him as a mediocre Chuunin Instructor at their academy, but we already know how misleading their reports of average can be, and the fact that he is capable of capturing the boy singlehandedly confirms that. The other...the other was Itachi Uchiha, and he was also able to capture the boy without help."
"What other proof can you offer that the boy is truly an Uzumaki? Please skip to what you believe is the most relevant information." Rasa ordered, hiding a shudder. It was hearing things like this that constantly reminded the world why Konoha was still considered the strongest of the Gokage villages. Despite the wars, and natural disasters like the Kyuubi attack, they still managed to consistently produce at least three powerful shinobi each generaion who were potential Kage candidates in their own right.
"Well sir, Lady Chiyo pointed out something that truly disturbed her." The Jounin said. "Just a few months ago, one of the boy's pranks involved grafitiing the Hokage Monument in broad daylight, and no one caught wind of it until he was almost finished."
"YOU IDIOT, THAT NOT JUST AN UZUMAKI, THAT'S A MAIN LINE UZUMAKI?!" The Kazekage shrieked as the information processed. Again composing himself, he asked the question that had for some reason been gnawing at his mind. "Why would his appearance suggest that he's not an Uzumaki?"
"The boy has spikey, golden blonde hair, and deep, ocean blue ey-es. Sir?" Baki asked, seeing his village leader develop a spastic twitch that looked to quickly be becoming a full on fit, and a look of utmost horror.
When he responded, his voice was low and deadly. "Are you telling me even before the discovery of this current Uzumaki, that Konoha was potentially harboring a female Uzumaki, and that that abomination reproduced with the fucking Yellow Flash?"
"Yessir, that is what the reports assume." Baki agreed. "Apparently they've had him living the life of a typical orphan to hide his status from their enemies until it is too late."
Forcing himself to calm down, Rasa turned hard eyes onto his childrens' teacher. "Baki, send a message to the Otokaze that we will accept his offer. An Uzumaki offspring fathered by the yellow flash is too great a threat to allow to live."
Baki shuffled nervously. "Ne, there's one more thing, sir."
"How could this possibly be any worse?"
"Well, when the boy's comrade fell in battle he began emitting a chakra similar to the monster in Gaara, but far more powerful and malevolent."
"Well played, Sarutobi." Rasa muttered, sitting back in his chair impressed. "You truly are deserving of your title of The Great Professor. I always thought there was something suspicious about the tales of the Kyuubi's attack. I don't doubt for a second that that blasted Yellow Flash could find a way to kill the Kyuubi, especially with an Uzumaki hiding in Konoha as well. However, it would seem that story was to cover up the fact that they made a Jinchuuriki, and it is the product of an Uzumaki and the yellow flash.
"What actions should we take, sir." Baki asked.
"Send a message to the Otokaze that we will be rejecting his offer." Rasa said, before pulling a letter out of his desk. "Also, send a copy of this letter to Sarutobi-dono, and ask him what he would have us do. An Uzumaki offspring fathered by the yellow flash is too great a threat to antagonize, who is also a jinchuuriki."
"Yes sir, anything else?"
"Is Temari seeing anyone?" The Kazekage suddenly asked.
"My lord, please tell me you're not thining of..." He really didn't want to be the one to have to tell Temari that she was being arranged in a political marriage; and he knew he would be the one forced to do it. Not only did the girl have a temper that could rival her fathers, but the way she'd ruthlessly clubbed Kankuro over the head during their last team meeting- and for the first time he hadn't deserved it- suggested that she was in the midst of a very unwelcome visit.
"Hey she's gotta find a man sooner or later." The Kazekage answered. "I'm taking care of it for her. Besides, a strong lineage, and a personable Jinchuurki all rolled into one. This could be the perfect chance to forge a stronger alliance with Leaf and deal with Gaara all at once.
"As you command." The man disappeared.
"Hmm, this might be interesting." He said. "This Uzumaki may just be able to rid me of this problem of mine." In two months time, his hopes would come to fruition, just not in the way he thought. After all, no one can resist the power of the Uzumaki bloodline, and their many Therapy Jutsu.
888888
In Tsuchigakure
A tiny elderly man sat at his desk pouring over several documents when he felt a spark of chakra, one he could easily determine was from Doton: GÅremu no Jutsu. As the golem began forming in front of his desk, he quickly determined that it was his son sending him a message.
"What is it, Kitsuchi?" Oonoki grunted.
"Sorry to disturb you pop, but we have a problem down in intelligence." Kitsuchi explained.
Oonoki sighed in frustration. "There's always a problem down in the intelligence department; we may as well not even have one."
"Well, apparently they've just found something that might pose a problem."
"What could possibly be a problem?"
"According to reports coming from near Wave, there is a child that could be an even greater danger to our village than You-Know-Who."
"What else do we know about the boy?" Oonoki asked with a further frown.
"Well, that's kind of why the intelligence department is in such dire straights." Kitsuchi said. "The description of the boy is apparently causing some people to panic."
The old man facepalmed. "And did they tell you what he looks like?"
Kitsuchi gave his father a sheepish look. "They wouldn't say; all I could get out of them was that we may have a Code Yellow." Kitsuchi informed him.
Oonoki gave no outward reaction, other than to frown, but inside he felt his stomach drop. A Code Yellow was the warning tag that was attached to anything dealing with the Yellow Flash. Once they'd confirmed his death, the only possible reason for that code to be used, is if the Demon of Konoha had reproduced. With a muttered curse, he disappeared, leaving only a few clumps of dirt. Seeing his father had gone, Kitsuchi released his jutsu, and the golem crumbled to nothingness.
For the denizens of Iwagakure- especially the Genin who dreamed of one day becoming the future heirs to their leader's jutsu- it was always an awe inspiring treat to see the Tsuchikage flying across the village. To the older shinobi, espeically ones who'd survived the Third Ninja War, it was a sight that brought fear to their hearts. The only other time they'd seen him fly at top speed over the rooftops of their beloved village was when Jiraiya of the Sannin, the Yellow Flash, and Konoha's ranged weapon specialist Takeshi Satoshi- along with a massive storage scroll- had appeared at the front gates with a missive from the Hokage wishing for a cease fire.
It was well known that Konoha had wished to end the fighting, and while the mission was a diplomatic one, sending those three was a clear threat to the Tsuchikage should he refuse. With a major powerhouse like Jiraiya being there to distract Oonoki, Minato, Satoshi, and that massive scroll could easily lay waste to their village's forces. Anything that wasn't killed by the Kunai Tidal Wave-which most likely consisted of thousands of Hiraishin kunai- would easily be finished off by the Yellow Flash.
Oonoki was well aware of all of this, but from the urgency his son had reported, he knew he had to act quickly. He easily slipped through the window typically used for messenger hawks, and landed in the messenger office, holding back a wince at the loud pop from his hip. Turned to his son and the Intelligence Geek- and that was the first and last time he was letting a department come up with their own titles- standing next to him.
"Okay, what the hell is the problem?!"
"Tsuchikage- sama, we have confirmed several rumors that we have been looking into." A man in glasses stated.
The Tsuchikage glared, annoyed that he'd been called to the message center for a damned rumor. "This had better not be about Sarutobi being a pervert. It's not exactly a secret, especially considering the fact that the author of the Icha Icha series is his student, and Konoha gets a shipment of the books weeks before they go on sale."
"No sir, these are more relevant rumors, ones that can have very...dire, consequences for the shinobi world, and us in particular." While it would have been more prudent for the man to come to him, if it was as urgent as the man made it seem, time constraints would be better met if he, the faster shinobi, made the trip.
"Speak." The tiny, aged man said. "Hurry, before my hip gives out on me again."
"Apparently, Konoha has been hiding an Uzumaki." Oonoki raised a silver brow.
This didn't seem like that big a problem. While Oonoki was well aware of the horrors of the clan, and had even seen such things first hand, he didn't see too much of a problem. After all, his village wasn't part of that massacre. This just meant that so long as he didn't go to war with Konoha, which he had no intentions of doing, then he didn't have to worry about an Uzumaki haunting his home.
"That doesn't seem too troublesome, unless you're not telling me something." Oonoki glared. The look the intelligence geek gave in return paused the old Kage. That he showed a reaction that spoke of a fear greater than anything his Kage could come up with got his attention. "What are you not telling me?"
"There is more information on the boy." He said. "Apparently, the Yondaime didn't kill the Kyuubi as was reported. He sealed the beast into the boy, and they made it into a jinchuuriki."
"How sure are we of this?" Oonoki asked. He was fairly certain the beast had disappeared with Mito Senju's death.
"Well, a couple decades ago there were reports of an Uzumaki girl being brought to Konoha at Mito-san's request only a few weeks before her death."
"Hmm, I guess that would explain why the Kyuubi hasn't been revived." Oonoki thought aloud. "It never died with Mito. Still, what makes you think that this boy was made into a jinchuuriki?"
"Sources near the area claim that the feeling was like that one time Roushi decided to get drunk. Not only that, but the Kyuubi attack on Konoha happened on the same day the child was born."
"But Sir, there's more, and that's not even the worst part." The small kage looked at him wide eyed.
"Then what's the worst part?" Oonoki said, growing impatient. "And what the hell does this have to do with a Code Yellow?!"
"This young woman, the one who we believe was made into the fox's second vessel, was also romantically linked to Minato Namikaze." The Tsuchikage's face took on a look of almost horror.
"Please tell me that you're joking." He said.
"I'm sorry sir." The Intelligence Geek replied. "Black ops passing through Wave Country came across a boy who bared a very striking resemblance to our greatest nightmare."
"How striking? " The man said, cautiously. It wouldn't do to act on too little information.
"This is what the boy looks like." The Sandaime Tsuchikage scowled as he was handed the picture. "According to Zabuza Momochi who was fleeing the area, the boy claimed his name was Naruto Uzumaki. This suggests that the boy may very well be the product of that female Uzumaki and the Yellow Flash."
"So not only is he the child of the Yellow Flash, but he is an Uzumaki Jinchuuriki as well?" The man growled.
"Yes sir."
"Imbeciles! Morons! Numbskulls!" Oonoki raged. "Why the hell didn't you start with the fact that the damn Yellow Flash has a spawn?!"
"But sir-"
"Silence!" Oonoki yelled, slamming his hands on table. A loud SNAP echoed in the room immediately after. "GAH! MY HIP!"
"Tsuchikage-sama!" Several Intelligence Geeks cried out.
"Kitsuchi, GET ME A DOCTOR!" Oonoki ordered. "The rest of you, slap yourselves for being so incompetent!"
'Could this get any worse?' Oonoki then winced as he realized that when it came to Konoha, and anything dealing with the Yellow Flash, it probably could.
Minato Namikaze had reproduced with an Uzumaki Jinchuuriki. Oonoki frowned. This was an even greater disaster than his failing hips; the fact that their village's greatest nightmare had reproduced with an Uzumaki was the stuff of horror myths.
He still remembered the first time he met Hashirama, and the fear inducing presence kept hidden by his easygoing- seemingly dimwitted- nature. He also remembered the encounter he and his master had had with Madara Uchiha. They, along with his sensei had stringently warned him against saying or doing anything that would desturb Mito's private time with her children. That three men, who on paper were vastly superior to her in skill and power, warned him against annoying her...it gave him a real fear of both her and the clan, and was the main reason he declined aiding the strike against them just before the Third Shinobi War. However, a single Uzumaki child alone wasn't necessarily a bad thing unless you pissed them off.
But that, apparently, wasn't the worst part. Unlike many, he was well aware of what Mito was thanks to his teacher's sensing abilities. He was also able to connect the dots as to what this other Uzumaki female had likely been brought to the village for, especially since she arrived in the village more than a decade before Uzushiogakure's destruction. The fact that Minato Namikaze had reproduced with this same Uzumaki, and that said offspring had been made into a Jinchuuriki on the day of his birth? Maybe it was time that he upgraded that nonaggression pact with Konoha to a full on peace treaty; one that couldn't easily be broken. He'd have to talk to his son to see if he could pursuade Kurotsuchi to go along with a political marriage to Konoha's Uzumaki.
"Perhaps it is time to pay my old rival Sarutobi a visit." The old man said as Kitsuchi returned with his father's joint medic. "Kitsuchi, do we have any Genin ready to be promoted?"
"I'll send for a few teams, pops."
"Make sure Kurotsuchi's team is amongst them." The man nodded, only raising a slight brow at his father specifically requesting his daughter's squad.
He would get his answer later in the Tsuchikage's office after the doctor left.
"So there were really Uzumaki still around, and one reproduced with Minato Namikaze." Grunted Kitsuchi.
"Apparently so." Oonoki replied deadpan.
"So what are we going to do about it?"
'What can we do about it?' Oonoki thought. "Tell me son, is your daughter still single?
Kitsuchi groand. "Please don't remind me of that string of failures. For all that she's a great kunoichi, and a wonderful daughter, her trouble with boys is even worse than your bad hips."
"Do you think she might be willing to let us choose her husband for her?"
"Are you seriously considering trying to broker a marriage alliance with Konoha?" Kitsuchi could only imagine the kind of stink Kurotsuchi would throw over this. "Even if he is an Uzumaki and a jinchuuriki, and your wife did tell her all kinds of crazy stories about the Uzumaki- and especially your fling with one- I'm not sure Kurotsuchi'd accept being married to the spawn of the yellow flash."
"I know, that's why you're explaining this to her."
That evening...
Having told his daughter the new, Kitsuchi was just waiting for the inevitable blow up. Damn his old man for making him break the news to her.
Kurotsuchi inwardly smirked, knowing what her father was waiting for. He was going to be disappointed...or not. "So basically what you're telling me is that gramps is offering me in a marriage alliance to a husband who'll blow my back out like one of his exes did to grandpa?"
"Yes." Kitsuchi really didn't want to be having this discussion with his fourteen year old daughter.
"Jackpot!" She cheered, raising a fist in the air.
She still remembered the tales her grandmother used to tell her about her grandfather's wild youth. Having been his teammate, she knew all about why his back and hips were messed up. Like everyone else in the Elemental Nations, he'd heard the stories about Uzumaki lovers, and how you should leave well enough alone unless you were Senju or Uzumaki tough, so should he should have known better. But no, his stubborn pride had gotten the better of him, and he'd had to see what all of the fuss was about. While it had indeed been the most intense sexual encounter he'd ever had- and that his grandmother who'd been peeking had ever witnessed- he was now paying for the experience half a century after the fact. His bad hips and back were a testament to his discovery of why only the Senju and other Uzumaki ever married women from that clan unless they were very confident.
Kitsuchi was admittedly shocked at her answer. "You're okay with that? You do realize that he's the son of the Yellow Flash, correct?
Kurotsuchi grinned. "Yup, but Uzumaki studliness, with Jinchuuriki stamina trumps village taboo, pops. Besides, you know how impossible it is to find a decent guy here."
'Yeah, but that's more to do with you than them.' Kitsuchi thought to himself.
888888
In Kumogakure
Mabui frowned as she made her way quickly to the Raikage's office. Her younger cousin had just passed her an urgent note from the intelligence division. Although, for it to be an urgent note, he'd been pretty laid back about it, and had even been amused at the contents. Knowing that Ei wouldn't be patient enough to read it himself, she had read the document, and now understood why Darui had that foolish smirk on his face. No one- except apparently Bii, and the previous Raikage- knew why, but speaking of the Uzumaki around their boss was almost as taboo as mentioning catnip around Yugito. Although, she had to admit that a couple of the items in the note were fairly serious as well, and things that would probably result in her having to order a new desk for the Raikage's office.
Knocking on the door, Mabui entered to find the Raikage glaring daggers at his adoptive little brother. "Raikage-sama, there's been some interesting new from our spies near Wave."
"Interesting like me, or bro's STD?" Bii asked, smirking.
"For the last time, it was an allergic reaction to her lipstick." Ei growled, slamming his fist on his desk, earning a groan of protest from the wood.
Mabui couldn't help inwardly grinning at the jab. While the extensive medical tests had proven beyond doubt that it was an allergic reaction, the location of said reaction meant that no one would let go of the STD theory. Sure, they'd never mention it anywhere that Ei could hear it, but it was still one of the biggest topics of gossip still circulating the village.
While personally, she'd call it STD interesting, what she said was, "Interesting with a side of potentially problematic."
"Great, just what I needed on top of being visited by this idiot." Ei grumbled, nodding in Bii's direction. "Alright, what's the news?"
"Apparently, Zabuza Momochi has been running around telling anyone who'll listen that an Uzumaki still lives, and to beware the return of the crazy." Mabui paused when she saw her boss start twitching, and a vein begin pulsing over his left eye. "Sir? Uh, Bii, what's wrong with him."
The Jinchuuriki grinned "Probably thinking about his last encounter with the clan. Uzumaki chick made him feel like less of a man."
"Dare I ask what happened." Mabui asked, almost sure she both wanted to know, and probably didn't.
Bii grinned. "He was trying to flirt with this redhead, and asked for a kiss. All he got was a glare, and a brutal dismiss."
Ei feigned ignorance. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Bii wasn't having it. "I can't believe you were trying to seal the deal, with that Uzumaki pops had kidnapped for a Gyuuki seal. Serious, I don't know how you couldn't recognize that it was her, what with that infamous, long, luxurious red hair."
Ei's glare would have given a civilian a stroke. "Shut up, she looked completely different from that little brat dad had kidnapped. That svelt frame, those Uzumaki bred curves, those smokey grey eyes, and plump, pouty lips. She was smokin hot, how could I possibly have known it was that girl?"
"Yeah, well she hadn't forgotten or forgiven crap, and was willing to make you pay for that attempted kidnap. Said if you didn't go away she was going to take you to class, snatch your muscles right off you and shove them straight up your ass (1)."
Ei growled. "You think you're such a wiseass don't you? Just telling embarrassing stories about me like I'm not here."
Bii just grinned harder. "I didn't try to hit on a grudge holding Uzumaki yo, so that makes smarter than you f'sho."
"We'll see if you still think that after I've kicked your ass." Ei yelled as he hopped across the desk, and tackled Bii to the floor.
As she watched the big, hulking brutes grapple each other on the office floor- a bit of blood dribbling from her nose- Mabui couldn't help wondering. 'I wonder if this would be a bad time to mention that there are strong rumors that say the Hyuuga girl that Raikage-sama had kidnapped is the Uzumaki's girlfriend.'
All the while, she was biting her lip just waiting for some hot sweaty action, and hopefully something to get torn off. After all, how could a girl possibly have clean thoughts about two prime pieces of manhood; especially when they're rolling around on the ground? Hmph, Yugito and Samui could keep their love of smaller guys. She would gladly take being smothered between all those sweaty muscles after a hot night with the pair of them. It would be so easy to imagine herself stuck between them while a bit of grappling of another sort was going down. She'd just have to remember to sedate Anui (2), so she didn't have to share.
"Mabui, was there anything else?" Ei asked, finally noticing his glassy eyed, bloody nosed secretary was still there.
Mabui was snapped from her daydream, back to attention at her leader's voice; just in time to see Ei catch Bii in a headlock. Sadly, she had to force force herself to focus on the report, and not get distracted by following the bead of sweat travelling down between the muscles on the Raikage's torso to his pants.
"Well, we've also received reports that he was emitting biju chakra even stronger than Hachibi." She reported, after clearing her head, nose, and her throat.
"Kyuubi?" A curious voice was heard coming from the near Raikage's right hip. 'Even if bro might flip his lid, now I've really gonna have to sneak out to meet this kid.'
"So an Uzumaki jinchuuriki?" Ei scratched his chin with his left hand. "That's not good. The notes from the Shodai Raikage told some very scary stories about the last time an Uzumaki was the vessel of the Kyuubi.
Mabui fidgeted in her seat, before adding. "So I guess this would probably be a bad time to add that there are reports that the Hyuuga girl you ordered abducted might be the boy's girlfriend?"
As Ei turned a sickly shade, and looked ready to vomit, Bii spoke up. "Dude, you kidnapped the girlfriend of an Uzumaki jinchuuriki? Given what happened when you just kidnapped an Uzumaki, I bet this guy is going to completely wreck your shit if he finds out." The comment was made even more shocking and ominous due to the fact that Bii had said, rather than rapped, it.
"Shit!" The Raikage said with a scowl. "Do we have any valid placation options?"
"I'd say throwing Yugito at him when Nibi goes in heat, but that might not go over too well with his girlfriend, and we all know what happens when you anger the lover/spouse of an Uzumaki." Mabui said. 'Not to mention the boy had likely only just started puberty.'
"Maybe a trip to Turtle Island, will keep big bro from dyin." Bii added.
Ei, who'd had another flashback, and was now desperately trying to forget the trauma of the day he saw his father- who'd fought ten thousand enemy ninja for three days to allow his comrades to escape- get beaten unconscious by an Uzumaki teen for making his girlfriend cry. "Yes, that could work. Send an offer of alliance to Konoha, and tell Sarutobi that to cement the alliance, and to make up for the Hyuuga debacle, we're willing to make amends by training their jinchuuriki to control his biju's power."
Mabui nodded as she stood and left the two men. "Consider it done." While she personally hadn't had any negative experiences with the clan herself, she'd heard enough stories from older people to guess that the Raikage's actions were well warranted.
"I just hope that's enough." The man muttered, before yelling through the door. "Mabui, I also need you to find a team ready to take the Chuunin Exams. Bii, inform your team and Yugito that you'll be travelling to Konoha in a few months for the Chuunin Exam finals as my guard."
Bii couldn't help getting his dig in. "Typical day for the guy with wit, Killer Bii having to play clean-up for your shit."
Ei responded by bopping him in the head with his free arm.
"So, I don't mean to be a jerk or a cock, but I can't do nothing if I'm still in this headlock."
Outside the door, Mabui paused as she suddenly realized something. "That's the first time he's gotten bad news, and didn't break his desk." She winced as a familiar crash came from inside the Raikage's office. "I guess I spoke to soon."
Peaking back in through door to assess the damage, so that she would be able to deal with that at the same time as she was dealing with the rest of her duties for the day, she found herself shocked to see they'd resumed wrestling, and the crash had been Bii suplexing Ei through his desk. Knowing this would be one of the few times she would have the chance, she unsealed a camera from inside a pocket of her shirt.
"Mmm hello jollies." Mabui said to herself, as she began sneakily filming them. "Oh yeah, just like that, mama like. All that's missing is them in thongs and doing this in a tub of body oil...or jello. Hmm, I wonder how long it would take to create a jutsu that summons a tub of jello or oil underneath them whenever they start wrestling. I know Anui and Yugito would pay me a fortune if I got the two of them wrestling in oil on film. Anui cuz she's hot for Bii, and Yugito as blackmail against both."
888888
In Kirigakure...
Mei Terumi was new to the Kage role, and if she were honest, she knew that the main reason she'd been chosen, was due to her being both the leader of the rebels, and easily one of the strongest ninja in the village. A week into the job, and she was already regretting the decision to take the position when it had been offered. Not only was Kage work boring, and the paperwork stressful, but the time consuming job also preventd her from finding suitable husband. She really should have known this would happen when she'd regretted taking the leadership of the rebels barely a week after doing so, and having to deal with all of the extra crap that came with it. While not a loose cannon like the originator of the rebellion, one Zabuza Momochi, his successor Toka had been an incompetent strategist. Still, he was really good at beaurocratic nonsense, and with a minor flash of cleavage- which her chosen attire easily provided- he was always willing to take strategic advice from her.
Currently, she was listening to one of her Chuunin ramble on about the young noble the Advisor Council had suggested for her husband search. Sure, she could admit that she was a little obsessive about it, but she wasn't desperate enough to consider most of the men they chose. The rest, while some had potential, they were to a man terrified of her. Her reputation had certainly preceded her. Sizing up the frightened looking man on the other side of her desk, she immediately dismissed him. The slight bulge in his pants suggested an impressive bit of equipment, as well as his obvious physical desire for her. Unfortunately, you could almsot smell the absolute fear wafting from the guy, and he looked a simple glare away from pissing his pants. He was't at all suitable, and to be honest, the kid didn't look all that interested in the prospect of being wed to her, anyway. Deciding to nip this in the bud, she spoke up.
"I'm sorry what was that? I stopped paying attention when you said my future husband was a virgin. Do me a favor, and go tell the council that I'm not interested." She almost laughed at the look of immense relief her words had on the boy.
"Yes ma'am, right away."
"Could this day get any worse? " She muttered to herself as he left in a hurry. She cursed a moment later when she realized what she'd just done. 'As if I need to bring any more attention to myself from that crazy bitch.'
As if Fate was answering her, her solitude was interrupted by one of her Hunter-nin. "Mizukage-sama, we have a problem." The gruff voice behind the mask said.
"And what is the problem?" Mei asked. Her frustration was evident, and it didn't bode well for him. When the inhumanly sexy redhead was angry or frustrated, bad things happened to the person responsible. "It's not one that's going to cause me to kill you for stalling my work, and by proxy my husband search, is it?"
"Ma'am, while I can readily sympathize with your frustration in your search for a spouse, this is a serious threat to village security." He said smartly. "While I sincerely hope that it doesn't ruin milady's search for a suitable spouse, I fear that the nature of this problem may do just that."
"Who or what am I going to have to kill brutally?" She asked.
"Our team just ran into Zabuza Momochi." Mei raised her eyebrow. "He is not the problem, he did however make us aware of the problem."
"So what did Zabuza-kun want? " She asked, growing more annoyed. Zabuza had been the first man she'd ever fallen in love with, and she'd been highly upset when he'd left. Worst yet, she couldn't lift his Nuke- nin status without the Council making a big stink about it. Regardless of him sparking the change that the village obviously needed, he'd still committed a capital offense.
"He was gracious enought to inform us that an Uzumaki still lives." He said. Had the Mizukage been anyone else, the reaction, paling in pure terror, would have been obvious.
Taking a moment to think as a plan swiftly began forming in her mind, Mei pressed the button to page her secretary. When the young woman entered, she ordered. "Call the council together, I may have an important announcement to make in a half hour."
"As you say, miss." The woman said, glancing into her cleavage, before hurrying out with a blush on her face. Mei sighed. Why did the suitable, and more politely forward potential suitors all have to have the same physical equipment that she did. If only she had been a lesbian, she could have been married months ago to her naughty secretary; who no doubt would have jumped her given an invitation to do so.
But she was getting off track. There was an Uzumaki that still lived, a male Uzumaki at that. "What do we know about this Uzumaki, Hunter?"
"He has golden blond hair, and deep blue eyes, with the typical Uzumaki facial structure." The Hunter replied. "Aside from what we can assume based on his Uzumaki lineage, much is known about his personality, except that he's very protective of those close to him. Although, it was this fact that revealed something else about him."
"Oh?" Mei asked, perking up.
"Zabuza mentioned that when the boy's comrade was felled by his former apprentice, he began emitting chakra like Yagura, but several magnitudes more potent and malevolrnt. Luckily, he is still but a child of no more than 13, so it should hopefully make eliminating him easier if we send an entire regiment after him."
While he knew that to a man, the entire regiment would be lost, he was also confident that they would get the job done.
"So he is potentially a Jinchuuriki as well." Mei replied in understanding. "Thank you. Unless you have something else, you may go."
"Milady." The hunter said, before desolving into a puddle of water that quickly evaporated.
Once the hunter hsd left, Mei sat back in her chair, and let a soft smile play across her beautiful features. Finally, after years of searching, she had found the perfect potential husband. Sure, he was only 13, and much like the fool that the Council had tried to foist off onto her, he was a virgin, but with his potential, training this one to be a good lover would be well worth the effort. Besides, aside from the horror stories she'd heard about the Uzumaki growing up, there had also been the other whispers. The ones that said if you were lucky enough to capture the heart of am Uzumaki lover, you did whatever it took to keep them, as you would never be dissatisfied.
Maybe she could kill two birds with one stone. If she played her cards right, she'd get to leave this annoying job and its paperwork, create a steady alliance for her village, and get the ultimate lover all in one shot. With a grin, Mei walked over to a cabinet, opened up a drawer near the bottem, and fished around for the pertinent form. Finding it, she pulled it out and returned to her desk. Pulling a blank scroll from one of her desk drawers, she used the old style Clan Alliance form to begin writing up an alliance to Konoha via marriage; with the specific stipulation that she and the young Uzumaki be the two to wed.
While she'd still have to wait a few years for them to actually marry, for an Uzumaki, it would very much be worth it. Not only that, but she had plenty of time to plan things for her wedding night. Oh yes, she looked forward to making a man of her naughty little Uzumaki husband-to-be. Hmm, maybe she could bring little Chojuuro along with her to Konoha. He was so shy and protective of her, kind of like a cute little brother.
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In Otogakure...
"Orochimaru- sama, I bring grave news." A Jounin said, just before a sword pierced his chest. Luckily, it missed all of the vital organs, and as long as he didn't move, he'd survive...if the sadistic man in front of him allowed it that is.
"That was the wrong kind of news I wanted to hear, but I'll let you report it." The Snake said. "It may amuse me."
"Sir, the invasion has been compromised." Orochimaru glared, before ordering him to continue. "Sir, we've just received word that Konoha has been harboring an Uzumaki."
Unlike the other village leaders, Orochimaru was quite ill-informed of the notorious clan. The Uzumaki and Uzushiogakure had always been allies of Konoha, and therefore the Leaf had never had to face them in battle. They also didn't have a visible bloodline that he knew of- that they all possessed some level of the legendary chakra prowess and lifeforce that the Shodai did wasn't very well known- so were of no importance to him. Besides, he already knew that Konoha had an Uzumaki, and both she and her brat died in childbirth (3).
"Sorry, but your information fails to amuse me." The sword moved swiftly up the man's body, and through his skull. Not listening to the man's advice would be the biggest mistake that Orochimaru ever made.
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In Konohagakure
"Okay, let me see if I have this straight." Hiruzen said. "You engaged the Demon Brothers, and learned that the C-rank I gave you had been bumped up to A-rank, but you continued." He glared at Kakashi, and the man knew he was going to be reprimanded later. "Then you encountered Zabuza Momochi, and fought him until this young lady intervened." Here he motioned to Haku.
The mission debrief continued in this vein, including the 'training', or lack there of, that Kakashi had given the team; and he was going to have to have a serious discussion with Kakashi about his severe ereliction of duty in regards to his students' growth in the ninja arts. He was rather curious about the meeting between Naruto and Haku during the week that both Kakashi and Zabuza were indisposed. It would seem that Naruto had certainly gained his father's ability to make friends.
The intitial battle on the incompleted bridge had been much of what he expected. Things were going...not poorly, but not good. It was to be expected of rookie Genin, especially poorly trained ones, regardless of the young Uchiha's natural talent. It was Naruto's arrival, his announcement, and Zabuza's sudden decision to flee that truly had him curious and seeking clarification. There were also the conflicting reactions of the two former Mist-nin; namely Zabuza's desire to be as far away from Naruto as possible, compared to the young lady's desire to be as close to him as possible, and her decision to follow him back to Konoha. Before that, however, was the villagers' reaction to Naruto's name...
"-and when you got back to the bridge builder's house, his adult daughter- who already had one child only four years their junior- offered to have Naruto's children; as many as he desired, all because he's an Uzumaki."
"Hokage-sama, if I may?" The Hokage nodded. "The Uzumaki have something of a legend surrounding them. My belief, is that as a result of having never had a hostile encounter with the clan, no one from Konoha understands just how dangerous, or special, that clan is."
"If you could please explain." Sarutobi requested.
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Legacy of the Uzumaki...
The Uzumaki clan had always been feared, nearly as much as the Senju and Uchiha. When they settled in Whirlpool Country, and created the Whirlpool Village, many other shinobi families and clans flocked to join their village in much the same way clans were joining the Senju-Uchiha alliance. When it became known that the Senju and Uzumaki were allied, it only added to the prestige. Now, as an island nation, they of course had a shipping port, and because their merchant ships were strengthened and enhanced with seals created by the Uzumaki clan, they were able to get merchants to and from trading ports much faster than normal shipping vessels. This lead to them being one of the leading shipping ports.
Kirigakure was also a village who had a strong merchant shipping trade system. The problem was that Uzushio was getting far more business from potential clients because of their superior ships. There was also a lot of bad blood between the two villages that came as a result of the incident with the Seven Swordsmen, their swords, and that Uzumaki merchant. Looking to get rid of their competition in the shipping industry, as well as to remove Konoha's strongest ally, Hidden Mist formed an alliance with Hot Springs village- who was also looking to get rid of port competition- and the latter's ally Frost.
Shortly before the Third Shinobi War started, the three villages attacked Whirlpool.
A testament to the strength of the village, was that while Whirlpool was completely destroyed, so too were the Frost and Hot Springs armies, and a good chunk of Kiri's military were lost in the fighting.
After the Uzumaki were destroyed, the Sandaime Mizukage became fearful of the rumors that began to surface of an Uzumaki in Konoha. The fact that she, and several other, Uzumaki had survived the genocide of the clan was cause for worry. The reason why there weren't secret assassination attempts, was because of Mist's previous encounters with the clan. Pissed off Uzumaki were to be avoided at all costs, and the fear that the surviving Uzumaki would be pissed off enough to seek retribution against those that had destroyed their home and family kept them from doing anything further against the remaining stragglers of the clan.
As a matter of diplomatic safety, the Flee on Sight order became mandatory SOP when encountering anyone bearing the Uzumaki Clan symbol, the trademark Uzumaki hair, or the name Uzumaki.
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"I see." Sarutobi said. Konoha had actually had an alliance with Whirlpool Country, and had been shocked when word of the country's destruction had arrived mere hours before the messenger for assistance had even arrived. As a result, Kushina, who had been sent years earlier to take over the role of Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, had been one of the very few survivors of her home country's destruction.
Oddly enough, Sasuke couldn't help find himself warming up to Naruto after hearing about his clan's massacre; though he was a little jealous of how well Naruto's family had held up against their attackers compared to his own. He did find it odd that Naruto- while quite obviously saddened by the news- didn't decide to seek vengeance against those who had taken part, and decided that he would talk to the blond about why he didn't become an avenger like himself.
"Well, Naruto." Sarutobi said smiling. "It would seem that one of the precautions I took in your stead may no longer be necessary. I believe it is time that you were told who your parents were. Kakashi, would you please escort Sasuke, Sakura, and Miss Haku out? I believe that this information should remain classified for now...at least until the Chuunin exams. Your father had many enemies, and not all of them may be cowed by the legacy your mother's clan left behind."
"You have my word that I would never betray my master's secrets." The dark haired beauty began. "But if Naruto-sama wills it, then I will go."
"No, she's cool jiji." Sarutobi nodded, and waited until an annoyed Sasuke, and a bristling Sakura were escorted out.
"Okay, I will begin by telling you their names, and then I will give you the items they left in my care for when you were older." Sarutobi said. "Your parents, were Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namikaze."
Naruto had to struggle not to faint. Now Haku wasn't a profane person, but her thoughts at the moment was anything but the purity that normally dwelled there.
'Hell fuckin yeah!' She thought. 'He's the child of an Uzumaki and the Yellow Flash...Jackpot!'
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Back in Kiri...
Mei Terumii felt a shiver run up her spine as she signed her name to the marriage document. She didn't know what had happened, but the feeling she'd just gotten told her that this plan of her's was a good idea.
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Madara frowned as he read the missive from one of his contacts in Water Country. After intercepting and copying a message for the new Mizukage from Zabuza Momochi, he'd hastened to send word after sending the message on its way to its original destination. It would appear that the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki had finally become a ninja, and left the protection of Konoha; but that was where the good news ended. Not only was the boy who now housed the fox a Jinchuuriki, but he was the son of Minato Namikaze, and...shudder...an Uzumaki. Madara did not like having to deal with the Uzumaki. In his long life, he'd had many dealings with them, and all of the violent ones had turned out badly.
The very first time he'd seen the Uzumaki in action was during the old clan wars, before the Hidden Village system. While the Uchiha and the Senju were considered the strongest, the Uzumaki could be considered the most dangerous, as they were the ultimate secret weapons. They were rarely ever seen on the battlefield, but their presence was always felt, and whenever they were forced to fight, their enemies never fought for long. He'd never told anyone this, but the reason that he'd chosen to agree to Hashirama's village idea, was because the man had mentioned an alliance with the Uzumaki. He hadn't wanted to take any chances about ending up experiencing some of the horror stories he'd heard.
Even Hashirama was of the distinct opinion that anyone who thought the Uchiha or Senju were the deadliest clan of the era, hadn't pissed off the Uzumaki. After all, the Uchiha would just walk into your home, wreck your shit and anyone else who tried to stop, then leave without a scratch. The Senju, being more honorable would write your name down, and when they next encountered you on the battlefield, they'd wreck your shit to all hell, before reminding you of why they did it as a warning not to do so again. The Uzumaki...they'd go home, create a blood seal that was seven parts scarring and three parts suffering. Then they'd hire someone to get a sample of your blood, and use it to activate their seal before going on with their lives. They'd be causing you maximum suffering without ever having to see your face again.
He still remembered the story a drunk Hashirama had told him- one he'd heard from his wife- about how an Uzumaki had wiped out the Oonishi clan- who were a fairly strong ninjutsu clan that almost rivaled the Uchiha in that discipline- by sterilizing the offending party, and every one of his descendants. That said offending party was the Clan Head, and all but three members of the clan- who'd married in- were of his loins either directly or indirectly caused them to be completely annihilated.
The first time he'd experienced that horror had been when he'd fought Hashirama at the Valley of the End. He had challenged the Shodai to mortal combat for the title of Hokage, and lost horribly. It wasn't that Hashirama had completely outclassed him- though he could admit that Hash was better than him- no, it was the psychological advantage that his new wife had given him. At the beginning of the fight, he'd summoned the Kyuubi to help him, and give him an advantage. Mito Senju nee Uzumaki ruined that plan. As soon as the Kyuubi appeared, she attacked it. He hadn't seen what happened, given that he was busy with Hashi-kun, but what he did know was that he'd heard the massive fox whimper in pain several times, before disappearing completely.
The second time had been when he'd first encountered Kushina Uzumaki after the Kyuubi had been sealed inside her. She was a new Chuunin at the time, and he hadn't thought she would pose him too much of a problem in a fight. He was wrong. While he didn't remember the details of the battle- having deeply suppressed them under about forty layers of Sharingan based blockades- he was aware of certain decisions and precautions that came about as a result of it.
First was that the creation of his incorporeality jutsu came as a direct result of that fight. Second, was that he'd firmly decided to wait until she gave birth to make another attempt on the Kyuubi. Third, and this was the most important one, was a solemn vow to never engage an Uzumaki in combat ever again...especially if they were a fucking Jinchuuriki. Finally, Uzumaki were extremely durable.
This was further proven when he'd been able to get the drop on Kushina's birthing party, kidnap the fiery redhead, and extract the Kyuubi. Not only had she survived the extraction, but she still had enough in her to not only curse him out in such a way as to make him question his own pedigree, upbringing, and sexuality, but he later learned that after her boyfriend kicked his ass (and leave it to her to hook up with the one guy who could get around his jutsu, and kick his ass as thoroughly as Hashi used to), she had used her special chakras to restrain the Kyuubi while Minato sealed it into a new vessel.
And now he finds out the Kyuubi was not only sealed into an Uzumaki, but the offspring of Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namikaze. Screw that. No plan, no matter how masterful or great an achievement, was worth dealing with an Uzumaki Jinchuuriki again. Oh well, time to break the news to the troops. Dusting himself off, he activated his Swirly no Jutsu, and was gone.
At the Akatsuki base...
"Greetings everyone, my name is Tobi, and I have some rather bad news for you all." Madara said. "It has just come to Tobi's attention that Tobi and friends have been on a suicidal, trainwreck of a course for many years now. It would seem that one of Tobi and friend's targets happens to be far too dangerous for this organization to proceed as Tobi and friends had planned; and since all of Tobi and friends' plans hinged on capturing the Biju, it would seem that Tobi and friends are left without a purpose. Tobi is therefore forced to disband the Akatsuki."
"Okay, what the fuck?" Hidan, the newest recruit, exclaimed.
"The Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki has been officially deemed uncapturable." Madara explained.
"Don't tell me you're afraid of a little brat." Kisame said. "From what I here, the brat's a green, no talent Genin, and I'm sure that any of us could capture him without even using any of our unique talents."
"You're welcome to try and capture your target, Kisame-san." Madara teased. "But I should warn you that not only is he the Jinchuuriki for the Kyuubi, but he's also an Uzumaki."
Every face, except Itachi's, paled at the statement. The blue man's reaction was one that no one expected. Kisame Hoshigaki, The Monster of Hidden Mist, assassinator of a Daimyo, his family, and all forty of their bodyguards, and all around badass, screamed in terror, and began sobbing. Why you may ask? He'd seen first hand what an Uzumaki is capable of. He'd been forced to watch as his Anbu Captain was dismantled, disected, and relieved of three limbs by this tiny waif of a redhead Chuunin named Uzumaki.
For the first time anyone other than Konan had seen ever, Pain, a.k.a. Leader-sama, a.k.a Nagato's face showed emotion. And that emotion was relief. They had just dodged the biggest bullet anyone had ever thought possible. Given an Uzumaki's natural potential, the boy would have been a handful, but if you give that same Uzumaki the power of the Kyuubi to wield...well, there was stupid, suicidal, and too dumb to be allowed to live. Maybe it was time he tried to do right by the village that he was now the leader of. Yes, that was his new path, and his first act as a true leader...forming an alliance with Konoha and the Uzumaki; maybe offer him some training. Turning to Konan, he nodded, and both left without another word.
"I-I'll pass." Kisame said sniffling. Itachi, who knew exactly who they were talking about, couldn't believe the way these idiots were acting.
"You're supposed to be S-class criminals." He said, finally. "You people are pathetic, I'm going home. I'd rather deal with my foolish, asexual, bishie brother than you idiots."
"Hey, Itachi, wait up, un." Deidara said. Itachi did't stop, but he slowed long enough for Deidara to catch up. "You think they'd let me in?" Itachi raised a single brow.
"Why do you care?" He asked simply. "I thought you hated everything to do with Uchiha, now you want to join a village whose founding clans included them?"
"Well, I can't go home, and being a Missing-nin without a purpose is kind of boring." He replied. Itachi glared. "Okay, so I don't want to chance ending up on the wrong side of an Uzumaki either, so sue me."
"Whatever." He said, turning to leave. The others all looked at each other, shrugged, and decided to follow the Uchiha prodigy. Deidara did have a point after all.
Standing all alone in the empty cave, Madara Uchiha sat and sighed. All these years waiting, all this time planning, and all the many subtle manipulations wasted. All because that bastard Yondaime had to seal the fucking Kyuubi inside of an Uzumaki brat. Maybe it was time to finally head home himself, and check on his progeny; both sets of them. Last time he'd seen his granddaughter, she'd been a young Chuunin. She'd looked so adorable with her little Chuunin vest. Word through the grapevine was that his granddaughter had finally made Jounin, and had a squad of her own.
And thus, Naruto defeated Akatsuki without having ever fought a single member...but that's not the end of this story...not by a long shot.
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1. for anyone wondering why Ei would be traumatized by this, imagine something. You're 6'6, probably near 300 lbs of solid muscle, and given that you're next in line to be Raikage, you're pretty badass, and everyone knows it. About the only thing that could even really frighten you on any level is your dad, and the Uzumaki Clan, who your dad was also extremely wary of. Then, this little but nicely curvy 5'5 girl, whose sporting a biju level 'shit's about to get real' aura- mind you, there's no biju chakra involved- tells you that if you don't back off, Kushina Uzumaki is going to rip your muscles off, and shove them up your ass. What would you do, how bad would that effect you, and how long would such an event effect your feelings on a clan that already had horror stories spread across the continent about it?
2. a random OC
3. This is based off of Orochimaru's reaction to Naruto in the Forest of Death.