A/N: Thank you for everyone that has been following and favoriting this story! I appreciate the reviews-they keep me motivated to keep writing.

Chapter 4

Black boots, dark jeans, black button up shirt, leather jacket, hands gray and veined. Dead vampire. Look at the face. You need to see the face. I take a deep breath and let my gaze go all the up. Black hair, blue eyes staring unfocused straight up. Yep, that's little old me, dead at the hands of a hybrid.

If I'd had time to think I would have been touched at her being scared of me being killed, but the hybrid suddenly looks up eyeing me. This is really not good. He leaps over the body and charges me. His outstretched claws swipe at me catching my shoulder scraping down to my chest, blood gushing from the wound. I manage to knock him to the side before he can bite at my throat. As he tries to get back on his feet I dive at him and pin him to the ground, my forearm over this throat, his jaws snapping at me. Before either of us can blink I plunge my hand into his chest and pull out his heart. His eyes lose focus and his limbs go limp. I slump back kicking the body away from me, throwing the heart as hard as I can.

I'm breathing heavy and my hand is covered in blood. Wiping my hand on my pants I stand up, wincing at the pain in my shoulder and move to the door the hybrid was in front of. The body, my body is gone. I reach for the door assuming it will be locked. Shocked when the doorknob turns easily, the door swings open and I am again in Elena's bedroom.

I see myself sitting on Elena's window seat with what looks like a necklace entwined in my fingers. Shit! No wonder the door opened so easily. It was my compulsion that locked this memory away.

"Cute PJs."

"I'm tired Damon" Elena says.

"I just have to say something."

"Why do you have to say it with my necklace?" Elena asks suspiciously.

"Well, because what I'm about to say is… probably the most selfish thing I have ever said in my life."

"Damon, don't go there" Elena's breathe hitches as she steps back.

Elena's thoughts flood my mind. Please don't say what I think you are going to say. Its bad enough Isabel said it out loud, but I can't hear it from your lips. I can't be Katherine. Don't say those three words out loud. If you don't say them, I can keep pretending there is only friendship between us and pretend the connection I feel with you is a figment of my imagination.

"No, I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it. I love you, Elena and it's because I love you that… I can't be selfish with you and why you can't know this. I don't deserve you but my brother does."

Oh God, he said it. Why does he love me? I'm just some teenage girl. Wait, he doesn't deserve me? He can be a jack-ass at times but he deserves to be loved. But, but I'm with Stefan. I love Stefan. What does it say about me to develop feelings for his brother? He's going to get hurt because of me which is the last thing I ever want to do. Katherine tried to be with them both and it nearly destroyed them. I won't do that to them.

"God, I wish you didn't have to forget this but you do." I watch myself as my confession is compelled away. Cat's out of the bag now.

Laugh or cry. Not sure which I should do at this moment. The knowledge that there are feelings buried in her is common knowledge to both of us. Even Stefan when he was in full ripper mode saw it, but my heart just took a beating as Katherine, yet again, makes me second best. Elena has always been scared of being like my psycho ex. She met and chose Stefan first and her fear of being like Katherine will lock her into that decision. Damnit all to hell.

As my own private version of inception plays out, Elena's bedroom falls away. Green grass is beneath my feet and there a lots of people milling about. As I look around, I recognize the town square. I can see Caroline and Jeremy sitting a little distance away on a blanket. As I continue turning in a circle to take everything in, Stefan and Elena stand before me.

"You're breaking the rules, you know. Movie night's supposed to be a distraction. Tomorrow we can return to our regularly scheduled drama" Elena sighs.

"I know. I wish this could wait, but it can't. Listen, um, the other night when Damon was helping Tyler, something happened. Tyler was starting to transform, and Damon was bitten" Stefan looks at Elena with a pained expression.

"What? Is it... is he gonna..." panic is rising in Elena's voice. I start to fidget and twitch involuntarily as panic washes over me like a tidal wave. This isn't my panic I have to remind myself. It's what Elena felt at that moment.

"Yeah" Stefan admits.

Stupid Lockwood kid. I still can't believe after everything he ended up biting me and almost killing me.

"Oh, my God. And he came to the house this morning and... and tried to apologize. I practically slammed the door in his face" Elena says.

Elena's guilt replaces the panic as I hear her thoughts. He was so vulnerable and desperate when he came to the house and I acted like a callous bitch. Damon has feelings, too, and yet again I threw them aside. I should have known something was wrong. How could I have been so cruel to him after everything he has done to try and protect me?

I can only shake my head at her thoughts. She felt bad about hurting me. This girl's heart is way too big. All I've done is hurt her.

"He told me not to tell you, but I figured if you wanted to talk to him, I... I wouldn't wait" Stefan says sadly.

"Stefan"

"It's not over. There might be a cure, but I have to find Klaus to get it."

"No, he's going to kill you" Elena shakes her head.

"No, he had the chance to kill me, but he didn't. Whatever Damon's done, whatever has led him here, I'm the one that made him become a vampire in the first place, so if there's a chance for a cure, I owe it to him to find it." Stefan pulls Elena into a hug.

My head is spinning as Elena's emotions are all over the place, a mixture of sadness, fear, guilt, grief intermingle with her thoughts. I'm going to lose them both. Jenna, John, Isabel, my parents. Now Damon and Stefan. It's too much. How much loss can one person take? Everyone needs to walk away from me. People's lives are just destroyed because of me.

Elena is been a strong person, but I now know how she is the strongest person I have ever met. She carries so much pain. It hangs on her threatening to drag her into the abyss. I have to struggle against its burden myself so as to not curl up into the fetal position in defeat, and I have only felt it for a few moments. Yet she was there for me while we thought I was dying. She has been there for all of us all the while silently suffering with the pain and guilt of her losses. She forced Alaric back to life and gave him a family. She stood up to Stefan in all his bad boy douchieness as well stood up to Klaus who literally killed her. I think I just fell in love a little more if that is even possible

Then there's my brother, the martyr. Some day, I need him to not save me. I'm the big brother. Isn't it my job to protect him? Yet, I'm such an asshole that I do stupid things, like getting myself bit by a werewolf, endanger everybody and force Stefan to sacrifice his entire life. Good job Damon. Way to protect your family. Maybe everyone is right, I really am bad and there is nothing redeemable about me. I need a drink.

Of, crap another memory. Suddenly I am in a car. Alaric is in the driver's seat and Elena is sitting in the passenger seat. I can feel fear and apprehension in her and she keeps looking around out the window. This is when we were in Tennessee running from a hybrid and looking for Stefan.

"Stefan's out there somewhere and now Damon and we're just sitting in this car?" Elena asks her voice thick with frustration.

"Let the vampires fight the hybrid zombie mountain man. I'll take care of keeping the humans safe" Alaric sighs.

"I thought you were checked out of taking care of people." Elena turns in her seat to look at Alaric.

"I know what you're doing. Don't. There doesn't need to be a lesson here" Alaric says quietly.

"You're better at it than you think, you know?" Elena says.

"Oh, boy, are you a sucker for a lost cause or what?" Alaric shakes his head.

"You're not a lost cause, Ric. You're just lost. But so is Jeremy, and so am I. Our family is gone. We don't have anybody. I'm sorry, but you don't have anybody either, so... We're kind of right for each other."

"I'm keeping the ring, then" Alaric holds his hand up looking in her the eye.

I can feel Elena's relief but the fear and apprehension are a still an underlying current in her emotional stream. Thank God. We need a family even if it's not blood. It's dysfunctional, but can we be there to help each other survive all of this. Now Damon where the hell are you?

This is too much emotional baggage. Now I really need a drink.

"Bonnie" I call grasping the talisman.

Opening my eyes, Elena's warm hand is pressed against my cheek. I sit up and yet again all eyes are on me. Stefan catches my eye and I can't match his gaze. Stupid emotions, I don't do guilt, yet there it is.

"Well" Jeremy asks impatiently.

"Just random memories. I can't control what I see. I did find out Elena's subconscious is really strong." I stretch my aching back that was sore from when she threw me.

"Damon, your bleeding" Caroline gasps.

Looking down I see my shirt is shredded from my shoulder to the middle of my chest and my shirt is covered in blood.

"Surprise, surprise. Elena has a bit of a fear of hybrids." I shrug my shoulders.

"I should go get cleaned up before someone gets suspicious. I'll be back before visiting hours are over." Picking my leather jacket off the chair in the corner, I pull it on zipping it up to cover up my shirt and blood. I put my head down and walk out of the room quickly before anyone can ask more questions.

After a quick shower and change of clothes, I feel restless and claustrophobic at the Boarding House and I head to the Grille for a drink.

"Bourbon?" The bartender asks. Being a regular has its perks. I just nod my head as I sit at the bar. A glass is set down before me a minute later and I down its contents enjoying the burn down my throat. I signal for a refill. Someone settles on the stool next to me. "Scotch, neat."

"Hello, Ricky."

"Damon." Alaric turns to face me.

"Spill. What did you see?"

"The mind of a teenage girl. It's all very complicated. Sex, drugs and Rock 'N Roll. Very fascinating to watch" I respond sarcastically waving my hands in the air.

"Damon, we are only going to get through this together. Tell me what you saw. If you're drowning in booze instead of in that room, you saw something."

"Kids these days. They think of the darndest things." I need more alcohol, lots more alcohol. The bartender walks by and I compel him for the bottle.

"Deflection. Now spill, unless you want me to vervain you and use you for target practice." Alaric leans in a bit.

"Back off, dad." I don't even try to hide the anger in my voice. "I unlocked a memory." My eyes are suddenly glued to my glass.

"That's good news, but this is not what happiness looks like." He taps his glass against mine.

"It may have been a memory I made her forget" I answer hesitantly.

"What did you do to her? I told you to take a beat with her." Alaric is on his feet in my face. I push him back down on the stool and look around the bar.

"I didn't do anything to her. This all happened after the whole Rose kidnapping incident. Settle down jack-ass." I hiss at him.

"Well, then why would you compel her?"

"In a moment of weakness I told her something very personal and I needed her to forget it." I pour more bourbon into my glass.

"What would be so bad that she had to forget…..you didn't recite some sonnet and use the 'L' word did you?" Alaric says sarcastically draining his drink.

This is why I don't have friends. These emotional talks are very draining. "I may have uttered that word."

"Holy shit, Damon Salvatore expressed true emotions for someone else." Alaric chuckled. "We all know you have a thing for her, but I didn't know you had actually told her."

"Hence, the compelling. I may also have told her that she belongs with my brother and that I didn't deserve her. Call it a moment of insanity." I finally look at him raising an eyebrow.

He looks me with a look of shock on his face. "Do you really believe that?"

"Believe what?"

"That your brother deserves her more than you do?" Alaric asks.

"Have you met me? I am a first rate asshole that hurts everyone that comes near me. I killed you for fucks sake because I got pissed off." I just roll my eyes at him.

"I'm going to be honest. I think Elena should run for the hills and leave you and your brother's undead asses in the dust. She's eighteen and should live a normal life."

"Thanks, your words are so supportive Ric." I raise my glass at him.

He just glares at me and continues as if I never interrupted. "I also know that being a doppelganger means that having a normal life probably isn't possible for her."

No one can argue with that, supernatural trouble seems to follow that girl wherever she goes.

"Yeah, well its baby bro that has won the girl. Even if I thought I was good enough for her, I see the writing on the wall. She loves Stefan. Stefan loves her. Elena cares for me, there's sexual attraction for sure, because, well, it's me. She has feelings for me, but it's not me she loves. Anyways, between that and the martyr complex my brother has for saving me, how could I make a move on his girl? I lost my brother once because we both loved the same girl and I couldn't let her go. History will not repeat. After everything Stefan has done for me I can't let someone come between us and I know Elena would never want to be the person that tore us apart. It's my lot in life to pine after what I can't have." God, this depressing, why am I pouring my heart out?

"You repeat any of this; you know I will have to kill you, right?" I fill Alaric's glass with bourbon.

Alaric laughs. "I figured."

Alaric face looks serious. "I'm a guy so as most guys go I am oblivious to what's really going on, but I don't think Elena trusts Stefan. Not like she trusts you."

I look at Alaric with a confused expression. "They have been practically inseparable the last month since we sprung him from the basement."

"Inseparable, but not really together. I've never seen her kiss him and when he tries she only lets him kiss her on the cheek. She hasn't let him upstairs at the house. Now, granted that could be for my benefit."

I start racking my brain for all the times I have seen them together at the Boarding House. Not wanting to experience the glow that is Stefan and Elena, I usually focus on Stefan if I am in the same room to make sure Stefan doesn't have a ripper relapse and go for Elena's jugular.

"Now that I think about it, she hasn't been upstairs at the Boarding House except to pop into my room to talk to me."

"Something to think about." Alaric knocks back another drink.

"Don't give me false hope, Ric. Even IF she had true feelings to be more than my friend, even IF she acted on those feelings, even IF we both could get over the fact we were betraying Stefan, would any of you actually let her be with me. You barely tolerate me. Witchy would have blown my brain up ages ago if not for Elena. Jeremy and Matt would stake me where I stood if I made a move on her. Caroline, well she's a diehard romantic so she may approve. Yet again, after the way I treated her when we were together, probably not." I chuckle slightly at the reactions of everyone would have if Elena and I were ever together. The reactions would be quite comical actually.

"Like, I said. She's eighteen and should go to college, party, marry some doctor or lawyer and have 2.5 kids. But she fell in love with one vampire already then there is you and Elena, you two have this weird connection that none of us understand. I've seen your true nature as well as your brother's. Which one of you actually tried to eat her?" Alaric raises an eyebrow at me.

"I did bite her once." I figure all the card should be on the table at this point.

"Yeah, when you were sick and hallucinating, but as soon as you realized it was Elena you stopped. Stefan only stopped because Klaus ordered him too. If she has to be with one of you…let's just say, don't throw in the towel just yet." Alaric knocks back the drink I just poured for him.

"Thanks for the sentiment, Ric, but Elena once told me its 'Stefan, it will alllwaaaaays be Stefan.'" A surge of pain wells inside of me.

"Sorry, I didn't know that." Alaric slaps me on the shoulder.

"Since, we're sharing. Elena really appreciates you sticking around and being there for her and Jeremy." I figure I need to throw the guy a bone of support.

"Thanks." Alaric stares into his glass.

After drinking in silence for a while, I realize Alaric is wasted. "Let's go Ric. Time to go home and sleep it off. I'll send Jeremy home when I get to the hospital."

Alaric may need to get some new coping skills. He's too heavy for me to keep hauling his drunk ass home. Of course, I wouldn't be dropping his drunk ass in bed if I hadn't started the drinking and wallowing party. Once back at the hospital, I send everyone home since visiting hours are just about over. I can't handle being around anyone at the moment anyway.

Assuming my usual spot at Elena's bedside, I just stare at her for a long time.

"I'm sorry I compelled you. Just add it to the long list of horrible things I have done to you."

I drop my head on her bed. "I just couldn't hold it in anymore at that point. Stefan still does deserve you, I meant every word. Even though he is the better man, it will never change that fact that I love you and will always love you. I hope that knowledge is enough for you to forgive me for compelling you. I know it was a breach of our trust and for that I'm sorry."

The rest of the night passed in silence as I laid my head on her bed holding her hand and just listened to her heart beat and her steady breathing.

A/N: Please send me suggestions if there are particular scenes from any of the 3 seasons that you would like Damon to experience as a memory. Please review!