Disclaimer: For those of you who are alarmed or displeased at how I've portrayed Lily, I feel I should clarify something. Sucks to be you. I'm going to say this once, and only once. If Lily Potter or Kushina Uzumaki are portrayed in humor/crack fics written by me, expect oddness in the extreme so as not to be surprised by anything. If you can't imagine that, then just read a few humor fics of Rorschach's Blot, dogberttcarroll, Lucillia, and Sarah1281 that involve the Uzumaki clan and insanity. Lily and Kushina- and on occasion Luna and Hermione- will most likely be portrayed in a similar manner. Tapdancing on the hairthin line between genius and mild insanity, with a mindset towards Harry/Naruto that- unless specifically said otherwise- runs along the lines of either 'I'm definitely going to fuck his brains out' (mostly Luna and Hermione, but I wouldn't discount the others either), or 'I'd definitely fuck him and have babies if he weren't my...'.

Title: Stupid bets always have a way of biting someone in the ass.

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"Oh, my baby boy's going to be so manly just like his daddy." Lily said. "We should make Harry a harem."

"Hey, how come Harry gets one, and I couldn't?" James complained. "Especially if he's as manly as his old man."

"Because I didn't want to share you with some stuffy pureblood bint." Lily argued. "Plus, the only girls I would have been comfortable sharing with were either already in a serious relationship, or didn't like you."

It was a little known fact that Harry's adult figures were all gaga over the boy, as well as completely barmy. About the only person that could really tell was Dumbledore, and really, no one would believe him after some of his misadventures combined with his day to day general mannerisms. Not that he would say anything in the first place, he felt that sanity was overrated a lot of the time, anyway. After hearing about the prophecy, James and Lily agreed that Harry would be special, and that they should create a harem for him. So from the day of his birth, up until his first birthday, they were to try and find the best future wife for Harry. They brought the others in on the decision, to an extent. Everyone thought James and Lily were going to file one of the contracts later for their son after discussing it some. No one but Lily was in on the fact that he was going to get all of them.

Whoever gets the best wife for Harry, gets to name the Potter's floo address.

"So, who did we get?" Lily asked. "I got a contract signed with Eddie for his neice Susan (Edgar, Amelia, Susan's dad), and if her mother is any indication, she's going to be a very healthy youg lady."

"Ohh, good one lils." James exclaimed. "Bones women are always super stacked. I'm sure he'll very much enjoy his very own set of Bones baps." Lily preened under her husbands compliments.

"Well, I've been talking to a friend of mine, Afshan Patil." Remus said, smiling in remembrance of the most fabulous bum he'd ever seen on a woman. And this was even considering the fact that some of his work with the Order had brought him into contact with some Veela. "She seemed interested in making arrangements for her daughters Parvati and Padma, but only if they could both stay together."

"Twins...impressive Moony," Sirius said. "But I've got you beat. I talked my cousin Andy into signing a contract with her daughter Nymphadora."

"Doesn't seem all that impressive to me." James said. "Sure your cousins are hot, even that mental case Bellatrix, but that doesn't really mean much."

"But you interrupted before I could get to the best part." Sirius bragged. "Little Nymphie is a Metamorphmagus." James and Lily whistled, while Moony pouted.

"That is impressive." Lily said, practically oozing with pride at how great her son's harem was shaping up to be. "You better reclaim our honor James, or Sirius is going to get to name our Floo address. I will not have our house registered as The Kennel."

"Well, I don't know if it tops it, but I've got at least a tie." James bragged, meaning that they would have to agree on a name, and when the sex was a good as James had it, there was no way he was risking not getting Lily's input on the matter. "On an assignment for the Order, I met a French bloke who seemed like quite the nice chap. We've kept in touch, and when I made the inquiry, he was more than happy to set up an arrangement between Harry and Fleur; so long as there was a stipulation that the wedding would only go through if both were still in agreement when they were older."

"Really, James-" Lily said huffing, but was cut off.

"Ah ah ah, dearest, you didn't let me finish." He said. "You see, Anton Delacour's wife is a half-Veela." Sirius' eyes went wide as Lily tackled her husband to the floor, and began kissing him all over his face.

"You got our son a part Veela?!" She exclaimed, huffing for an entirely different reason now. "You Mr. Potter, are going to be shagged completely stupid as soon as these three knuckleheads leave."

"So Peter, top that." The rat faced man, hung his head.

"Well, I didn't do so well." He said. "You see, I wasn't nearly as popular as you guys, and well, the only person I really got on with aside from you was old Xeno. So, I made arrangements with him. If his and Selene's child is a girl, then they'll sign it. If not, Harry's just got a blank contract he can use for whoever he wants later."

"I think Peter might have done just that, Prongs." Sirius said chuckling. "Lovegoods are notorious for being terribly naive about magical creatures, but super smart, and we all know that brainy birds are naughty. There's also the fact that the Ollivanders have a touch of the Sight, and rumor has it that Seers are even naughtier than brainy birds." Lily sighed.

"Poor Sybill hasn't been the same since she not only predicted the death of her husband, but not even a week later accidentally killed him."

"I don't know." James said. "Seemed like the most awesome way to go. And I don't think old Stevie was too torn up about it given the smile on his face."

"Too right." Sirius said. "But like I was saying; given how naughty brainy birds are supposed to be, and the fact that Seers are even naughtier, a brainy Seer would probably be so naughty that it couldn't even be fathomed."

"Congratulations Peter." Lily said, a mixture of extreme giddiness on behalf of her son, and dejected reluctance at what Peter would name their floo.

"I'm thinking the Lily's Marauder Den." Peter said, much to Lily's annoyance, although glad, knowing it could have been much worse. She would forgive him for putting her name in it...for now.

"Just out of curiosity, does anyone else feel like that name sounds like a pet shop owned and operated by Lils?"

Lily grinned. "Well, you have to admit, it does fit, doesn't it. We've got a pet rodent, and a mangy, overgrown krup. For our wealthier patrons wanting more exotic pets, we've even got a wolf and a stag."

"So much for your declaration of resisting corruption." Remus teased the redhead.

"I'm married to James and pregnant with his child, I failed at that endeavor a long time ago." Lily said, rolling her eyes.

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After betraying the Potters just over eighteen months later, Peter felt guilty, so he came back, and grabbed both his master's wand, and the marriage contracts. He filed all of the contracts hoping to ease some of the guilt.

While Harry had broken things off with Ginny, he was still hoping that they could be a serious couple once Voldemort was defeated. Sadly for those hopes, upon reaching his majority, the contracts his parents made become active. Unfortunately for Harry, Fleur was the only contract that would be voided, as she was already engaged to be married to Bill. After all, knowing about the contract Sirius had made with his cousin gave Remus a much firmer reason and resolve in resisting Nym's attention.

"Mum, I can't believe you set me up with a marriage contract." Nymphadora Tonks exclaimed to her mother.

"Really dear, what's so wrong with it?" Andromeda 'Call me Andy and die' Tonks, replied. "You're going to be marrying a young man with a lot of monetary, political, and physical power. You know him personally, and know that he's a good man. He's as good a husband as you'll ever find."

"But mum, you said that you'd never sign me up for a marriage contract."

"I did this when you were seven, Nymmie." Andromeda explained. "When James and Lily died, no one who they'd been in negotiations with had been able to confirm which of the contracts they'd decided upon. We all just assumed that they'd never decided, and never been filed, and I didn't feel you needed to be bothered with things that would never affect you. How was I supposed to know that Lily was serious about Harry having a harem?"

"Great, so not only am I being forced to marry a guy seven year my junior, but I have to share him now too?"

"It's not so bad, dear." Romi said. "Considering that Potter men are cursed with having enormous penises, and ridiculously amazing bedroom talent..."

"They are?" Nym asked, only just able to stop the small amount of drool that wanted to come.

"Oh yes, you could always tell when James and Lily were intimate." The elder Tonks said. "She'd always be walking funny for days afterwards." Tonks' eyes suddenly took on a glazed look. "And she would always go on and on about multiple orgasms." It was only a second later that the Tonks home emptied of all Ministry officials.

"Interesting tale you wove, my dear." Andromeda leaned back into her husbands embrace, as he pulled her to him, and spoke into her ear.

"Not a tale, the truth."

"Even the part about cursed genitals." His tone was amused.

"They were cursed during a time when people were less statured, and having a big penis was a sign of the devil."

"Oh, well, at least our baby girl will have as fulfilling a love life as we do."