Disclaimer: Just because there's not nearly enough of Luna playing Dumbledore's game, and doing it so much better.
Title: A Method to the Madness
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Late afternoon found seventeen year old, future Magi-zoologist Luna Lovegood sitting by the lake, feeding the giant squid cucumber and tapioca sandwiches. Luna gave a small shudder. While she absolutely adored cucumber sandwiches, and tapioca pudding was her favorite dessert, the thought of combining them was just out of the question. While she wouldn't begrudge Mr. Squiggles his preferences, she couldn't share them. She was broken from her peaceful semi-solitude when her friend Ronald- and she'd been so surprised at how much better a friend he'd become since the end of her fifth year when Headmaster Dumbledore died- sat down next to her.
"Luna, can I ask you to help me with something, and not tell anyone about it?" Ron asked the sometimes flighty blonde.
Of course, now he was aware that it wasn't totally her fault that she seemed distracted so often. Her mind was always dealing with dozens of thoughts, ideas, and future experiments at once, kind of like playing over a dozen games of chess at once, and trying to think over a dozen moves ahead in each one. The girl was just as brilliant as Hermione, but where Hermione could push everything else to the back of her mind, and focus on a single subject- almost obsessively so, sometimes- Luna didn't seem to share that trait...or maybe she didn't want to. He didn't know, and he wasn't going to try and find out. It would only lead to a discussion that would short his brain out.
"Of course, Ronald." Luna said, bringing him out of his thoughts. "What did you need?"
"I need your help figuring out a way to get Hermione to leave me for Harry." He said, then braced himself for the backlash. While habitually kind, when her ire was raised- and hurting those she called close friends was one way to do that- you were in deep crud.
"You're very lucky that the Nargles say that it is a good idea to help you." Luna said, after turning and leaning as if to listen to something just behind her. "However, I would like to know why you are asking my help for this."
"Well, I've looked back at mine and Hermione's relationship over the years, and while Harry was kind of hiding away from everyone, I realized that the only reason me and Hermione meshed the way we did, was because of Harry." Ron admitted. "When things were good, we were good, but when things got bad...sometimes we were more civil to Malfoy and Parkinson than each other. While Hermione thinks that we can figure out a way through this, I've never been as optimistic as her about anything aside from quidditch. As for why I came to you...well, you've always struck me as someone who just seems to be able to see, understand, and know things. You know, unique ways of thinking that no one else would consider, and frankly, that's the only way I can see this working without Harry and Hermione killing me."
"Well, I do have an idea, but I would need to contact Gringotts." Luna said. "So, are you going to tell me the other reason why you're trying to do this?"
Ron winced a bit. "So you could tell that wasn't the whole story, huh? Well, it's just that while I was thinking back, I also noticed that my arguments with Hermione sometimes reminded me a lot of the ones I had with Ginny, and it got me wondering if Hermione was more like a sister to me, and if us trying to date wasn't a form of incest."
"Ronald," Luna started with a sigh.
"Yeah, I know how silly it sounds, but it doesn't change the fact that it stuck in my mind enough that when she and Ginny jokingly switched hair styles for that bet, it gave me the wiggins."
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Several days later, found Luna in Gringotts staring Gringott VII in the eye. "No."
"I think that you should." Luna said. "As a matter of fact, it's in your best interest to do so."
"Oh really." He gave snarl. "Is that a threat?"
The goblin began inching for his blade when the girl didn't answer, before having his world turned on his head. "Oh, I guess I was wrong about the goblins being masters of business." Again the goblin snarled. "By releasing the estates on this list into the custody of Harry Potter- two of which are his by right of birth and conquest respectively- it will allow you to remove the tariffs placed on you by the Ministry to prevent their confiscation, and you can start charging fees to manage them as you do his other accounts. Due to the age, value, prestige, and number of goblin crafted items on retainer for each estate, you could make quite a bit of gold off of fees that the estates' wealth wouldn't even register if groomed properly."
Doing several quick calculations in his head, the goblin realized that the girl was right. This also sent warning flags off in his head. "What is your name, girl."
"Oh, did I not introduce myself?" Luna asked politely. "My name is Luna, Luna Lovegood."
Gringott VII turned a putrid shade of his skin tone at hearing the name. His predecessor had warned him against the dangers of trying to negotiate against those of Lovegood blood. Gringott VI had even regailed him with horror stories of how Gringott II- who'd only lasted 72hrs as head of the bank- nearly brought about the enslavement of their entire race when he'd tried to do so, and how the many clans had called for his head mere days after his successor negotiated lighter terms for their race. To think he'd almost made such a grave mistake.
"Mr. Potter will receive notice of his expanded estate by closing hours." He would see to it personally.
"Thank you very much." Luna said politely, even dipping into an elegant curtsy.
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"Harry, you know that I like Hermione, but I don't think I can be with her romantically anymore." Ron said. "You've got to do something."
"What am I supposed to do?" Harry asked, also wondering where the hell this was coming from. For the past year and some, Ron had been just on the edge of stubbornly gung-ho about him and Hermione being meant for each other.
"Well, if you were to express an interest in her, I'm sure she'd drop me for you in a heartbeat." Ron guessed, as per the plan Luna came up with.
"Ron, while I'll admit that Hermione and I are a lot closer than you and she are at the moment, that doesn't mean she's interested in me like that." Harry explained. "Despite how much we love each other as friends, she only had those kinds of feelings for you."
"But Harry, you know Hermione and I would be a disaster." Ron said. "We'd fight all the time, and we'd probably have a huge row that would make us break up, and our friendships with you would be strained, because we couldn't be in the same room without having a go at each other."
"Ron, I won't lie to you," Harry started. "-with Ginny proving once again that she is little more than a fangirl, and Luna having no romantic interest in me, I'll admit that Hermione is my best prospect, and I can even admit that I wouldn't have any issues being with her. However, how do you expect me to convince her to drop you like a bad habit, and take up with me? And this is before you factor in that despite what Rita Skeeter thinks, Hermione isn't the type to just drop a guy for another that strikes her fancy."
"Um, do you have any really rare books?" Ron said.
"Seriously, that's your plan?" Harry asked. "Impress her with rare books? Ron, Hermione may love learning, and reading in a way that boggles us, but she's not the bibliophile type."
"It wouldn't hurt to try."
"Fine, but if this backfires, I'm telling her this was your idea." Harry said.
"Meh, it wouldn't be the first time she was out for my blood." Ron said with a shrug.
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"Hermione, would you be willing to drop Ron, and take up with me?"
"Harry, that's a horrible thing to ask." Hermione protested. "What could you possibly think would make me do something like that?"
With a prayer that he wouldn't be losing his best friend over this, Harry reached into a bag, and started pulling out books that he'd found his family owned.
"The Potter Family Grimoire, almost a thousand years old. The Malfoy Family Grimoire that I won in that bet that made Narcissa my...ahem...pet." Hermione's eyes narrowed.
She was still rather annoyed that Harry had made that drunken bet, and after he won, he hadn't set the woman free. Though she'd be surprised to learn that Narcissa, after sleeping with her new master- something that they'd had to do at least once to formalize her being his legal pet- didn't want to be set free, and resisted all attempts to do so. Not only that, but she was very frequently plotting ways to seduce him into bed again, and implementing said plots as often as she could with varying degrees of success. She'd found it odd that the plots that she hoped led to sex always failed, but the ones that simply granted her snogging, heavy petting, and dry humping to release, seemed to meet with success more often than not.
"That's not helping your case." Hermione growled.
"Well, this one is just over a thousand years old, and half in French." Harry replied reaching for the next book. "The Black Family Grimoire, almost twelve hundred years old. Copies of the personal journals of Gryffindor, over a thousand years old. Copies of the personal journals of Hufflepuff, over a thousand years old, and containing notes of her enchantment of the cup Voldemort corrupted. Copies of the personal journals of Ravenclaw, over a thousand years old, and with notes of how she created her diadem. Copies of the personal journals of Slytherin, over a thousand years old. The Grimoire of the Peverell Family, and research notes of the three Peverell brothers; the first almost thirteen hundred years old, and the second over eight hundred. And yes, the notes on the creation of the Hallows are in the latter."
Harry looked up at his best friend to see that her eyes had partially glazed over, and he began to worry for a moment until she shook her head. "You realize that you've just proposed to me, right?"
"Yeah, that was kind of the point." Harry said, shocked and amazed that Ron's plan had worked.
"Good, now put those away, and meet me in the RoR." She said. "I'm going to ride you like a cowgirl in a rodeo."
Sixteen hours later...
While it got in numerous places that were just unpleasant, Harry still had to admit that losing ones virginity on a recreation of a white sand beach in the Caribbean was the way to go. While he wouldn't for the life of him change how he'd lost his, he could certainly understand why Hermione very specifically wanted to lose her own on a Caribbean beach; complete with palm trees, sunset overhead and the waves of the ocean lapping at their feet.
"So, I'm guessing from the numerous hickeys on your neck that I was right." Ron said.
"Yeah." Harry replied, deciding to be a good friend, and not mention to his mate what he'd just given up, and how stupid he was for doing so. Then again, he was probably right about him and Hermione not being a good match, regardless of how great the sex might be.
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Several days after Hermione and Harry married, and she finally gained access to the documents detailing the magical bet between Houses Potter and Malfoy, the witch set about arranging for Mrs. Malfoy's freedom. While she'd been shocked at just how in love she was with Harry once she allowed herself to think of him that way, Hermione dearly loved her husband, and the very idea that he owned another human being disgusted her. The only reason she wasn't still so obsessed with House Elves, was because one of the Hogwarts elves had schooled her on the facts of life about sentient beings and bonds in the magical world. While she'd never admit that the ancient elf had put the fear of several deities into her during his firm lecture, she got the hint and the subtle warning not to try that again. To her shock, when she went over the file detailing the bet, she would find almost a hundred legally documented and filed offers for freedom with both Gringott's and the Ministry that Harry had made to the woman, as well as the formally documented, polite rejections.
Upon paying a visit to Harry's pet, she was sent into a blushing fit upon learning exactly why the woman had refused her freedom. When Hermione received a notebook detailing all of Narcissa's plots to get Harry in bed with her again, as well as a threat to seduce the younger witch into convincing Harry to bed his pet on a regular basis, Hermione fled. She reappeared at his side right through Hogwarts' wards, smothered herself into his side in a fierce hug, and apologized profusely for not believing him about the randy old cougar who desperately wanted his cream. As Harry comforted his new bride, Harry allowed himself a very brief, yet exceedingly smug grin that she couldn't see with her face buried into his shoulder. He also refrained from a bit of juvenile behavior by not saying, "I told you so."
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Ten years later found Luna is babysitting Harry and Hermione's children while they're on a second honeymoon. One of them, an animal lover after her own heart, just so happened to find something her family had been looking for, for almost two centuries: a Snorkack.
"Auntie Luna, lookit what I found." Luna smiled as she held the small furry creature in her hand with the crumpled horn.
While messing with destiny and the grand design had cost her a relationship with the young man she'd developed a crush on during her apprenticeship to Newt Scamander, it had all been worth it in the end. Besides, ever since Narcissa had successfully seduced her mistress, and the discovery that Potter men reached their sexual prime in a manner similar to most women, Hermione had been a lot more open to help containing it. She was sure that her family's collection of tomes from the legendary Library of Alexandria would be a rather nice dowry for her accepting a second wife for Harry.