An hour after Kim had been allowed to be by Adam's side, Ethan came to get Caitlin. Alvin was still stable but hadn't come to yet. She headed on up to his room. Before heading inside, she caressed her bump. If she and the babies were fine, it was due to the amazing sacrifice he had made. He had protected them. That was how much he loved them. She wasn't going to give up without a fight and even though she wished should could be hunting down the bastards that had just shattered their lives, this was where she needed to be. By the side of the man that loved her, that she was going to marry, that was going to be the father of their children.
She had settled in the very uncomfortable hospital chair that had been next to Alvin's bed and had simply taken his hand, kissed him and waited. She didn't recall how long she had waited, just looking for a sign that he was w aking up or looking at the monitor to make sure he remained stable, but somewhere in the midst of all of that, the exhaustion had taken over and she had fallen asleep, her head resting on the side of the bed.
She felt a gentle hand caress her hair. It felt like a dream. It was as if, they were back home and she had fallen asleep on his bare chest and her awakening was as it as always been. As she drifted out of her heavy sleep, the monitor's beeping slowly came to life and she realized that she wasn't dreaming but she was coming back to the nightmare she had preferred not living.
"Caitlin"? she heard his voice gently call out to her.
Her eyes flickered a couple of times, before opening up entirely. She slowly lifted her head and looked at him.
He smiled at her. "Hey gorgeous".
She held back the tears, an unbalanced mix of relief and sadness, as she shifted from the armchair to the side of the bed and sat on it. She put her soft hands around his face and kissed him.
"Hey baby".
Then she worried. How long had he been up? How long had he waited in silence before she woke. She had wanted to be awake when he woke, to help him progressively come to terms with the aftermath of the attack.
"Have you been awake a long time"?
He looked her straight in the eyes and took a solemn look. "Long enough to know that I'm not as I should be".
It was as if the tears she was holding back, compiled themselves in over abundant saliva in her mouth and she swallowed to get rid of it.
His hand trailed up to her bump. "But, I don't want to talk about that right now. Are you three alright"?
She nodded. Yes, they were fine, but no matter how relieved, grateful and happy she was that they were, none of that could transpire, not in the face of the adversity that he was going to come to terms with. "We're good, don't worry".
With his hand still on her bump, he passed the finger of this other hand over her stitched up laceration.
"It's nothing. It could have been worse. Besides I've seen my share of cuts and bruises, stiches and scars".
"How are the others"?
"Adam was in surgery but he's doing good, no vital organs were hit. Hank's shoulder got grazed by a bullet but he's fine. The rest of the team is accounted for".
"That's a relief. Were there any casualties"?
"It's hard to tell. When I came to, it was chaos all over. I focused on you. EMTs and ambulances were coming in by waves and Connor and Will had Adam and you on the first two ambos here".
There was a knock on the door. As it was the case with most doctors, they didn't ask for permission to enter or wait for an invitation, their knock was simply a polite warning that they were about to enter. Ethan and two other doctors came in. Ethan shook Alvin's hand and looked at Caitlin.
"Alvin, Caitlin, I'd like you to meet Dr. Martin Tuttle, our Neurological Surgeon and Dr. Stella Loumis, our Spine Surgeon".
In turn they shook hands with Alvin and Caitlin.
"When we started the surgery, we found that the bullet had lodged itself in the thoracic part of your spine, more precisely at the T6 level", said Dr. Loumis as she showed a graphic on the tablet. "We were able to remove the bullet but the damage it caused to your spine was non-negligible and inevitable".
"What does that mean exactly"? asked Alvin.
Caitlin looked at Ethan than up at the sky, almost as if she were praying or asking for a miracle.
"Before we get into that, I'd like to examine you, if that's alright with you"?
Alvin nodded and said nothing as Dr. Loumis removed the bedsheet from his body. She took out various instruments and asked Alvin several questions as she examined him. She entered the results on her tablet and talked briefly with Dr. Tuttle and Ethan.
"We'll need to run some more tests over the next couple of days but we are most probably finding ourselves in front of what is called the Brown-Séquard Syndrome. It is an incomplete spinal cord lesion. Incomplete in the sense that it's only caused to one half of the spinal cord. This leads to paralysis and loss of sensation on the same side of the injury and loss of pain and temperature sensation on the opposite side of the lesion. We are also looking at loss of bladder and bowel functions, you won't be able to control those".
"Paralyzed?"? mumbled Alvin shocked. "Are you saying I'm going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life"?
"Unfortunately, every case is different. Some people recover with physical therapy after 6 months, some after two years, others never do. I wish I could tell you, but I can't. I'm terribly sorry".
Caitlin watched silently as Alvin stared into emptiness. He then looked at his legs.
"I understand that this is a lot to take in right now", she looked at Caitlin, "for the both of you. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to let me know. We'll run tests regularly over the next couple of days and reevaluate then. The sooner we start physical therapy the better".
The three doctors quietly left the room.
Caitlin looked at Alvin and he caught her stare. She gave him a weak smile. "We're going to fight this. You'll be walking in no time".
He shook his head. "Did you hear what the doctor said? There's no way of knowing if I'll ever walk again".
"Baby, she didn't rule out the fact that you'd walk again".
"How am I supposed to live like this? My cop days are over, let's not even talk about taking you to the hospital or being able to help you for the delivery or when the babies are here"? He grabbed the jar of ice chips and flung it across the room in a crashing sound as it collided with the wall and sent the chips flying all over the room. "Heck, you'll not only be changing their diapers but also mine"!
Caitlin put her hand up to her mouth and covered it.
"You don't know that. Alvin, please, you can't give up. Not now. Baby I need you, we need you, you've got to fight this".
"I don't think I have it left in me", he said with empty eyes. "I need some time alone".
"OK", said Caitlin as a lone tear trickled down her cheek.
Caitlin closed the door behind her and stood her back to the wall next to it. The dam broke loose and she started to cry uncontrolledly.
He looked at the closed door. It broke his heart to see her like that, to know that what he was saying was tearing her apart, that he had given up hope before even trying to fight, when all she wanted was for him to believe, that her love, faith and hope would be enough. No matter how hard all of that was, he knew that he had nothing more to offer her. She deserved a better life than he would be able to give her. He had been broken before, but maybe this time around, no matter how hard he tried, he would never mend.