Disclaimer: Based on what they were so easily convinced to believe, yes, I do believe the inhabitants of Hogwarts would have been fooled completely by Harry and Hermione's act.
I'm depressed and suicidal
Inspired by Oh You Didn't Know Yeah He's Awesome, by RuRuLaLa, mostly a single line in Ch. 1, "...I'm going to die in 24 days."
AN: This is mostly just a collection of connected scenes of Harry pretending to be suicidally depressed just to fuck with the magical world so they'll leave him alone. Would be interested to see someone take this, and flesh it out. For future reference, the only people I can realistically see being brought into the prank are Luna (who figures things out for herself), and Sirius and maybe Remus, the former who think it's a great prank.
8888
"Harry, did you enter your name into the Goblet of Fire" Dumbledore asked. Harry, already aware that they'd made up their minds on the matter, and concluding that- much like his second year- everyone was going to accuse him of it anyway, decided to just say bugger it.
"Yes, I did." He announced, shocking more than a few people.
"Why would you do such a thing?" Someone, likely McGonagall, asked.
"It was the best way I could think of to kill myself, and still go out fighting." Harry said, straightfaced.
"Why would you want to do that?" Harry didn't know who asked, he was too busy taking in the responses. The looks of horror on everyone's- even Snape's- face were of great interest to Harry. Deciding to have a bit of fun with the arseholes, he decided to keep to that story.
"Every year that I've been here, something has tried to kill me." Harry admitted. "Not only that, but every summer, I still have to go back to the Dursleys. I just can't take it anymore. When I heard about the tournament at the opening feast, I did some research, and found that the reason it was cancelled to begin with was the ridiculously high mortality rate. I figured if I could find my way into the tournament, I could get myself killed, and it would just be chalked up to a tragedy of the tournament; but that's not even the best part."
"What do you mean, that's not the best part?" Cedric asked, shocked beyond belief that Harry Potter had entered himself into the TriWizard Tournament in an effort to get himself killed.
"Oh no, the best part is that the first task has historically involved the champions having to face some kind of dangerous magical creature. So unless the first task is going to be something mundane like krups or kneazles..." Harry's face broke out into a huge grin that scared everyone in the room. "...I'm going to die in 24 days. I'll just have to make sure that Hermione misses the first task. She's been so good to me over the past few years that I don't think I could put her through watching me get brutally slaughtered by something Hagrid would call cuddly. And speaking of, do you think it would be possible for me to visit Gringotts this weekend, headmaster?"
"Any particular reason, Harry?" Dumbledore asked, having a feeling he knew why, but hoping against all hope that he was wrong. Sadly, those hopes were dashed.
"Well, I need to make sure that I've got an up to date will, because I want to leave the bulk of my stuff to Hermione and Ron."
8888
"Hermione, how good an actress are you?" Harry asked later that evening while the rest of the house was having a party over him being a champion.
"Um, why would that matter?"
"Because I need your help convincing everyone that I'm horribly depressed, and inconsolably suicidal." Harry answered.
"I think you'd better explain this to me." Hermione said. As Harry explained what happened in that side room, Hermione resolved to wack her best friend several times for ruining the awe inspiring image of the headmaster and her favorite professor. Honestly, the idiocy of wizards sometimes. Well, if they couldn't tell when Harry was full of it, they deserved to be fooled.
8888
"Harry, why are all of the professors looking at you as if you've done something crazy or tragic?" Hermione asked as the pair arrived quite late for breakfast the next morning to find all eyes on them.
"Because I admitted to them that I was suicidal, and purposefully entered myself into the tournament in an attempt to kill myself."
"What?!" Hermione yelled. "No Harry, you can't do that! You're my best friend, you can't just leave me like that. Please don't do it, Harry. Even if you are depressed, killing yourself by entering the tournament is not the way to deal with it."
What followed was the single greatest, strongest, and most obviously fake Hermione tackle hug in the history of Hermione hugs. It should come as no surprise that every single person in the hall ate it up like most of the crap Rita wrote in her articles. Well, except Luna who thought it was some kind of production the two were putting on to promote the start of a drama club. It was a really clever idea, she thought, to incorporate current events into their story, and she was glad that Hogwarts was putting on a show after the ones Durmstrang and Beauxbatons put on when they arrived. While she felt Hermione's performance was a little too much, Harry was quite brilliant. She would have to see about joining if they ever got permission to start the club. For now, she would just enjoy the performance.
"But Hermione, I just can't take it anymore." Harry fake protested into her bushy locks, wrapping Hermione up in an equally tight hug. "Between the abuse at the Dursleys, the abuse from Snape, the repeated attempts on my life, all the expectations, and everyone accusing me of things that aren't my fault, I can't deal with it anymore. I just want it all to end."
"Don't worry, Harry, I'll help you, I promise." Hermione said. "I'll write to my parents, they'll know what to do. Then we can hopefully deal with this tournament problem. Just promise me that you won't do anything rash until we hear back from my parents. Please, for me."
"O-okay, Hermione." Harry agreed timidly. "For you."
"Alright, let's head back to the common room so I can write my letter, then we can go to the owlry." She said. "You can visit with Hedwig while I send my letter, that should make you feel a little better. After lunch we've got Charms, that should help too since it's such a fun class."
"But what about Potions?" Harry asked.
"Well, considering how things normally go in that class, and that Professor Snape is part of the problem, I don't think it's a good idea for you to place yourself in any situation that could worsen your condition." She lectured. "Now, let's go write that letter, and visit Hedwig. You'd like to visit Hedwig, right?"
"Yeah, visiting Hedwig would be good." Harry was grateful that the mention of his familiar allowed him a small smile. Keeping a straight face after witnessing the reactions to their byplay was becoming difficult.
Up in the owlry, Harry couldn't help the question that escaped. "Okay, who are you, and what have you done with Hermione Granger?"
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.
"The Hermione I know would never advocate skiving off of class, even if it is Snape's class, and she certainly wouldn't be skiving off of her favorite class, Arithmancy."
"You're the one who wanted to make it believable." Hermione said primly. "Any sane person with two brain cells to rub together would know that you don't leave suicidal people alone, especially in an environment that has so many ways one could off themselves given a few minutes to themselves. They would also know how bad an idea it was to send a suicidally depressed person back into any of the environments that caused the depression in the first place. If you really were that close to suicide, if we'd gone to Potions, unless Professor Snape did a complete 180 in his behavior- which we both know is highly unlikely- then in all likelihood, I'd have lost you during your free period, and wouldn't even know it until I got out of Arithmancy."
"Oh, well...okay."
"Harry, I know you've implied that this is just acting, but I have to know," Hermione broke off, unable to complete the inquiry.
"No, Hermione, I'm not. A little brassed off at everything, sure, but I'm not depressed as far as I'm aware." Harry said. "While I've probably got plenty of reasons to be, growing up the way I did kind of just makes it pointless now, and after the last three years I'm kind of numb to it all by now. I think it would take losing you, Sirius, and Remus to get me to the point I'm pretending to be."
"Oh, thank goodness." Hermione sighed. "I know I'm just playing a part, but given everything that's happened the past few years, this is just a little too real for me in some ways. I think it really would destroy me if I lost you, and I don't know if I'd even want to be a witch anymore because it would be too strong a reminder."
"You know, we could incorporate that into the next scene." Harry said. "Kind of turn it into a bit of a romance story."
"Really, Harry?" Hermione teased. "Are we really turning this into a play, and a romance one, at that?"
"Tell me with a straight face that the chick flick loving hopeless romantic in you didn't just do a fangirl squeel, and I'll drop the idea."
"Okay fine, I'll admit that it could be fun." Hermione grinned. "Just never thought my life would turn out like a cheesy daytime drama."
Harry then blushed. "And if, during the course of our production our pretend romance becomes not so much pretend, I wouldn't have a problem with that at all."
Hermione wasn't quite sure what she thought about actually being Harry's girlfriend, but it was certainly far enough from unpalatable to draw a very strong blush from her as well.
8888
"Why, why do you want me to live so badly?" Harry protested. "Why do you want me to suffer so much?"
"I don't want you to suffer, Harry, but you're all I have." Hermione revealed, hugging him, and burying her face in his chest, looking to be sobbing when in fact she was hiding her amusement. "You're my first, and best friend; and with Ron being an obtuse git, you're my only friend. I worry and fuss so much, because I'm afraid of what my life would be like without you. If you left me, I don't know that I'd want to still be a witch anymore."
Harry hugged Hermione tighter, getting the distinct impression that her words and feelings weren't being completely staged. "I'm sorry I worry you so much, Hermione. I just never had someone cared about me before. You know, someone who fusses over me, rather than at me."
"Of course I care. You're everything to me."
"Okay, I'll try for you, Hermione." Harry agreed, leaning back and staring her in the eyes. "Just, promise you won't leave me. You're all I've got left to live for."
"Never, Harry." She said firmly, before leaning up, and pressing her lips softly against his. While both knew it was coming, and had even scripted out the small romantic byplay, neither had been expecting the soft spark they'd felt when their lips touched, and their faces lit up.
8888
"No Albus, ye cannae send th' lad back there." McGonagall protested, her accent coming out in her distress. The tournament had ended only days before, and McGonagall had been horrified when her colleague had asked her opinion of who should be part of group to look after Harry at Privet Drive.
"Minerva, the blood wards-"
"Sod th' bloody wards!" She snapped, before calming herself. "You saw the way he was the entire year. Between the return of You-Know-Who, and the death of the Diggory boy, if you send him back to those horrible people, I can guarantee you that those wards will be useless, and the lad won't be on the train come next year."
"What do you mean he won't be on the train?" Dumbledore questioned. "Of course he will."
"No, he won't, and you'll have to explain to everyone why the heir of House Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived killed himself." She then turned, and stormed out of his office. As Dumbledore sat back in his chair, he contemplated what had been said, and what he had witnessed throughout the year. He would have to make a point to talk to Harry about his home life before the students left for the summer. If it was really as bad as things were being implied... While it would certainly be a frustrating amount of work along with everything else on his plate now that Voldemort had returned, it would be worth it to keep Harry from harming himself at Privet Drive.