Disclaimer: Despite the plotholes, contradictions, the wasting- and South Park/Indiana Jonesesque- raping of her characters, and fucking ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER, DH still made more sense than Twiight.
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Ginny and Harry were curled up on the couch, relaxing when the floo suddenly flared, and Ron came rushing through with a manic look on his face, followed by a bemused Hermione. She'd only just arrived home when she saw her husband end a conversation with his mother, and begin a frantic scramble to floo to Harry and Ginny's place as quickly as possible.
"Hey Harry, are you making the dessert for Christmas?" Ron asked.
"I'd planned on it, yes." Harry said.
"Promise me you'll make-" He was interrupted by his eldest brother.
"Don't do it, Harry." Bill called, rushing through green flames, followed moments later by his- even more amused than her sister-in-law- wife.
"Forget Bill, I was here first." Ron argued.
"Only because mum floo'd you first." The elder redhead retaliated.
"Harry, I'm your best mate." Ron said.
"Don't let him trick you by pulling the best mate card." Bill argued.
"Okay, so what is this argument about?" Hermione asked, sitting in the soft leather recliner that Harry bought just for her.
"'arry's making the dessert for Christmas." Fleur said with a chuckle, taking a seat next to Ginny on the couch. "William and Ronald are both trying to petition him to make their favorite."
Ginny rolled her eyes at the breathy way Fleur said his name. She'd started to overly accent her husband's name shortly after they'd started dating again just to tease him, knowing what it did to him; though she'd be lying if she tried to say she disliked what came after Fleur's prolonged teasing him that way. It was actually amusing how after awhile she'd found herself incapable of not saying his name like she was three seconds away from masturbating, unless she was angry, as she'd- completely on accident- trained herself to do so while teasing him.
"Come on, Harry, who was it who told you to follow your heart, and find your own niche, rather than become an auror like everyone expected you to?" Ron pleaded.
"Yeah, well who was it who took you under his wing, and taught you about runes and warding?" Bill shot back.
"Actually, Hermione was the one who taught me Runes, and even set me up with Professor Babbling to study for my Runes mastery."
"Fair enough, but I did teach you all about warding, and helped get you started as a first class warder, and ward tester, with your own business that's even the major contract holder for Gringotts." Bill said.
"He makes a good point, Ron." Harry teased.
"And what are they arguing for?" Hermione asked.
"Ronald wants 'arry's Reeses cake, while Bill wants 'arry to make his special honey glazed croissants with powdered sugar." Fleur replied, giggling in amusement as Ron and Bill continued trying to one up each other.
"Oh come on, remember when you had that huge row with Gin?" Ron asked. "Whose the one who suggested you throw yourself under the bus, and face the humiliation of begging her to forgive you by way of song in public? Whose the one who told you she'd be more likely to forgive you if you were willing to so completely embarrass yourself to get her back?"
"That's true, and it did lead to some of the best make-up sex I think any bloke has ever had." Harry said, wagging his eyes at his wife, causing her to give him a saucy wink as she blew him a kiss; as well as causing Ron to grimace.
Even if he knew it was happening, Ron was still adverse to hearing about his little sister having sex; especially of the 'Merlin, Harry shagged me so thoroughly, I couldn't move for an hour afterwards, and I was still dripping his spunk for twice as long.' variety. The type that she rather enjoyed openly discussing with the Weasley wives when they got together for their girls nights. While none of the Mrs. Wealeys had any complaints about their own sex lives, or any reason to for that matter, they were all still a little envious of how...thoroughly...Harry seemed to take care of Ginny. Or rather that Ginny's much greater, natural sensitivity caused the insanely great sex they also sometimes got, to be so much more intense and consistent.
"Yeah, but whose the one who suggested the perfect song?" Bill said.
"Again, that was Hermione." Harry said. "I'll admit My Girl was a great song, and when I did it on our anniversary, she rather enjoyed it, but Hermione suggested that I step away from cliche and go with Ain't Too Proud To Beg."
"Bugger, okay, whose the one who helped you learn to carry a tune so that you didn't accidentally chase her away with your singing."
"Oh come on, I wasn't that bad." Harry protested.
"Harry, I love you dearly," Hermione spoke up. "-and while I would call on you first for a lot of things- catering, threatening bigoted beaurocrats into toeing the line, and smacking dark magicals around, for example- you were pretty far down on the list of people I'd want attempting to serenade me. Only my mum was behind you there."
"Does Luna agree?" Harry asked skeptically.
"Yes." Hermione said. "Although she has admitted that you're good enough now that she's willing to attempt a karaoke duet with you."
"Bugger."
It was well known that Hermione and Luna rarely agreed on things, their intrinsic beliefs just differed too much on certain things. However, when they were both in firm agreement on something...well, they had yet to be even close to proven wrong. The closest anyone had ever come was Dumbledore's portrait when he'd mentioned that the business plan that Hermione and Luna had created for his warding business wouldn't bring in much money for at least five to ten years depending upon how good a job Harry did. That had only lasted until Hermione had explained that it wasn't designed as a get rich quick plan, but a long term plan that would net him long term wealth like the Malfoys enjoyed reminding everyone they had, and that it would also help more firmly establish him as a legitimate business. There were a lot of amusing reactions when he gaped, before firmly insisting that they forget he'd said anything.
"Okay, you want to play it like that, old man?" Ron said. "Harry, if you make your chocolate-peanut butter cake thing, I'll let you have Hermione for a night."
"If you make your croissants, then I'll let you have Fleur for an entire weekend." Bill replied without missing a beat, and unwilling to be denied.
Everyone else in the room froze in shock, and just goggled at the two male Weasleys. Finally, eye twitching, Hermione turned to Fleur- who she noticed had only raised a curious brow- and Ginny who was just rolling her eyes at her brothers. "Before I decide whether or not I'm going to curse him, I would like to know if I should be as offended as I am that my loving husband of less than a year just offered me as a one night stand to my best friend for cake."
Ginny smirked before answering. "Well, considering that for one reason or another you've never been able to partake of Harry's special occasion desserts, I'd agree you could be offended at being traded. On the other hand, given what you're being traded for, who you're being traded to, and what you've just been given blanket permission for, I think you should kiss him on the cheek, thank him, and go pack some sexy lingerie and clothes for the morning. I can tell you first hand it's well worth it."
"And neither of you are bothered by this?" Hermione asked, shocked, and more than just a little trying to ignore Ginny once again bragging on how brilliant a lover Harry was. They'd long since gotten the point that the redhead was extremely satisfied with her married sexlife, there was no need for the lucky, ridiculously sensitive bint to keep rubbing in their faces that a fumbling virgin could still manage to shag her rotten.
"No, for two reasons." Fleur said. "First, Ronald and William always seem to lose half of their IQ when 'arry's desserts are involved; though admittedly, this is the first time we've been offered as bargaining chips. Second, considering what I've learned of 'arry during our Girls Nights, and what I'm being traded for, I'd have to agree with Ginny that it's a good deal."
"Hmm, you know, if Harry makes me a personal batch of those croissants, and she promises to make sure that she doesn't accidentally get pupped, I'm willing to disappear for a weekend, and let him have some hot, sweaty fun with a Veela. A batch of that yummy goodness is so worth letting my loving husband find out just why my brother always has that smug, shit-eating grin on his face."
"Um, is this a bad time to mention that I'd already planned to make both so I could try to avoid this kind of situation?" Harry asked. "Sure, seeing them go at it was amusing at first, but now it's just kind of creepy." Bill and Ron stared at him in shock.
"Does this mean that we're both spending the night with Harry?" Hermione teased, finally deciding to just go with it. After all, even if it had been a few years, Harry had always been the poster boy for not normal, and this could realistically be categorized as such, right?
"Non, I get 'arry for an entire weekend." Fleur teased back, grinning at the way Harry visibly twitched this time when she'd said his name in that teasing, breathy manner. Ginny was so going to owe her a favor.
"Well, I'm going to be away for a few days for a road game against the Wanderers next weekend." Ginny piped up, not wanting to let the joke go just yet. "I'm sure Harry would appreciate the company while I'm gone."
"Meh, sure, why not?" Harry said, shocking everyone. "Fleur, if you bring Victoire, then I'll get Teddy for the weekend, and show you a quick way to consistently tire out a three year old, and get her to go to bed when you're ready for her to. I'll also teach you how to make the first version of my special croissants, the ones you said were too fattening."
"No fair." Fleur protested pouting, almost like she was channeling Luna and her sister Gabrielle.
"Well, I have to make sure that you don't change your family's diet to nothing but sweet, syrupy croissants, now don't I?" Fleur just huffed. "Hermione, bring your reports and things from work, and I'll show you how to decode the language of snotty pureblood beaurocrats. I'll also show you how to filter through all of the BS to get to the relevant stuff."
"Harry, I understand what you're doing, but you do realize that showing me that will probably make me want to shag you senseless in thanks?" Hermione asked. "And Ron would probably let me, probably even insist on it."
Ron's slight shrug of, 'She's not totally wrong,' confirmed that he'd probably consider it.
Given the number of people in their family that worked for the Ministry, and the numerous complaints they'd shared about pointless legalese, no one in the room had any doubts that what she'd said was true. It was also a point of debate at whether or not the Weasley men would allow it. Arthur had even been banished to his shed for a few nights when he admitted that he could easily see himself legitimately considering it. After twenty years of dealing with it, no one could really blame him.
"I doubt it." Harry said. "Trust me, wading through some of the sheer stupidity that you're guaranteed to find is mentally exhausting. Seriously, when I first cracked the code, I was boggled by how much parchment was wasted on a ten page report that could have been summed up in a page and a half. By the time we're done, the only thing you'll be in the mood for is a nice cup of tea, a headache relief potion, and some sleep. Oh, and no teaching your husbands what I show you; that's their punishment for trading my sisters for sweets." At least not until he felt they'd learned their lesson.
Both Bill and Ron started to sulk, especially Ron as he hated having to wade through the beaurocratic red tape that was procurring a warrant. It was no wonder that the Auror department was geared more toward catching criminals who'd already committed enough crimes to be labeled a serious threat, rather than preventing them from becoming serial criminals.
"Well, now that that issue has been settled," Ginny started, a devious grin on her face. "-and Fleur's repeated reciting of my husband's name has gotten him nice and riled up, can you all please leave. I would very much like to get back to the cuddling with my husband that will hopefully result in the upper half of my body being draped over the arm of this couch while my studly man plows me into a sex coma. And before you say it, Hermione, yes I'm a total slag, and I have no remourse for that fact. Besides, it's only for my husband, and I'm not any less a slag than you or Fleur when either of you get going with your men."
"Well, I cannot deny that." Fleur said, grinning saucily at her blushing husband.
Really, she didn't understand why the Weasley sons were so bothered by hearing that their little sister had absolutely nothing to worry about in her sex life. It wasn't Ginny's fault that all of Arthur's children married a spouse who was their sexual superior, had a very healthy libido, and who enjoyed routinely shagging them senseless. It was just a luck of the draw that gender didn't play any role in the sexually superior spouse situation in Ginny's case. While she'd never say it out loud, and she really had no intention of experiencing it for herself, Fleur had to admit that she was very interested in just observing Harry and Ginny together. Not making love, of course, but down and dirty, all cards on the table going for it. Just to see some of the things Ginny loved bragging about would be quite lovely. She was sure that Bill would appreciate the state she returned home in.
And it wouldn't hurt that her mischievous side thought casually dropping hints about exactly what Harry could do to Ginny, and seeing her husband's reaction would be amusing.
On a side note, when Harry taught Hermione how to wade through the the beaurocratic BS, she'd had to restrain herself from jumping him and snogging him senseless. After all, learning to read, decipher, take full notes on, and write/file her own reports on the documents that came across her desk in a half hour- when it usually took that long just for the former two points- was a great help. Oddly enough, when Ron had been deemed to have learned his lesson, and Hermione taught him how to do it, he would insist that she snog Harry for ten minutes in thanks...and not just some normal, innocent kiss, but a full on, proper snog (1).
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Omake: This didn't turn out right when I was writing it, so I never posted it. Figured to hell with it since I haven't deleted it yet.
"Harry, Ron was right." Hermione groaned as she rubbed her temples.
"Contrary to popular belief, Ron's been right quite a few times." Harry joked. "Care to be a little more specific?"
"After showing me how to wade through this tripe, there are only three things keeping me from jumping you right now." She said, grinning cheekily.
"Oh?"
"First, no matter how many times Ginny brings it up, we all know she doesn't have to gall to share you with anyone; not even for that 'anniversay threesome' she keeps jokingly trying to recruit Fleur, myself, Luna and Gabrielle for. Second, after you almost put Charlie through the kitchen table, I'm honestly terrified of your reaction to being surprised if I did try to jump you."
"I told you guys that I'd just come from an assignment, and I was still a little jumpy after Steadly and I got ambushed." Harry grumbled, knowing he'd never live it down.
"I know, Harry, I saw the memory." Hermione said. "Jokes aside, even if I think Ron probably would let me get away with jumping you for this, turns out, you were right as well. With the migraine I've got right now, I don't think I'd been in the mood to do anything but curl up and go to sleep."
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1. Just imagine having it be your job to decipher extremely complicated, blatantly prejudiced and bigoted legalese, and you having to make thorough notes for your boss...every day, for years.