Disclaimer: These have been sitting around for awhile now, but unlike dogbertcarroll, I don't rate my own personal team of typists to speed up production.
Movie Time
The following preview has been rated PG-13
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"Give me one good reason why I should support the Ministry in anything." Harry said.
"Mr. Potter, the Ministry has only ever done what's in the best interest of its citizens." Umbridge broke in in her grating, annoying voice.
"Oh, like that legislation that you drafted for werewolves?" Harry asked. "Most of them are just your average bloke or bird trying to make their way in life while being infected with what could be deemed the magical version of bloody Cancer. Not only that, but they are just ordinary men and women for 29 days out of the month, and yet you draft your laws based on the few hours that they get furry and cranky. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call bullshite in the face of such blatantly obvious bigotry."
"Now Mr. Potter-"
"Seriously, what the fuck is your problem with werewolves?" Harry asked. "Most of them are just your average bloke or bird trying to make their way in life while being infected with what could be deemed the magical version of bloody Cancer. Not only that, but they are just ordinary men and women for 29 days out of the month, and all you people can think and bitch about is the few hours that they get furry and cranky."
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Years later, once prophecy was fulfilled, and it became clear that Magical Britain's status quo had not, and never would change, Harry and Hermione lead an exodus from magical Britain, giving the purebloods the society that they dreamed of. They will leave the magical world behind, or perhaps draft like minded individuals with a more modern and liberal mindset to found their own settlement away from intolerance and bigotry. They could even inform the prime minister and queen, and set themselves up as an independent nation under her authority like muggle Britain. They doubt everyone wants to be trapped in a society that refuses to advance.
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The following preview has been rated PG
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"Headmaster, not to question long standing tradition, but wouldn't it be more efficient if the Prefects were required to arrive at the station at least twenty minutes before the students were set to arrive?" Harry asked. "This way, they could have their meeting and be finished in time to help monitor boarding, as well as help new students. It might also help to have one of the upper year Muggleborn students waiting on the Muggle side of the barrier to help first years with a Muggle background find the platform."
"Hmm, those are very good ideas." Dumbledore said. "May I ask what brought this on?"
"No offense, but I always thought it was kind of stupid to have the Prefects meeting turing the first part of the train ride." Harry said, earning a frown. "Think about it, all of the people tasked with keeping order on the train- Head Students and Prefects- are locked away for up to twenty minutes. Everyone knows when the meeting is, so it wouldn't be hard for a few rambunctious students to sow a bit of chaos while there's no supervision."
"Really Mr. Potter," McGonagall said. "How much trouble can you possibly get into in twenty minutes?"
"Is that a challenge?" He asked. "Sir, with your permission, I'd like to give a demonstration."
"Please."
"Five minutes, GO!" Suddenly, several people jumped up and began casting charms, hexes, and transfigurations all over the place. By the time Harry called them to a halt five minutes later, the room was in chaos. "And that was just five minutes, and a half hour of brainstorming. Imagine what could be done with an entire summer of planning, and another fifteen minutes. Or better yet, consider what Fred and George could have pulled in that amount of time."
"I think maybe there will be some changes on the express in the near future." Dumbledore said from behind his now electric yellow beard, courtesy of Luna Lovegood. The disturbing thing to Harry, was that it actually matched in with the color scheme of his robes; and they hadn't been touched by any spells at all.
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The following preview has been rated PG-13
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"Harry, darling, how about an interview for the Daily Prophet?" Rita asked in that typical, oily tabloid reporter tone.
"No." Harry replied without hesitation.
"But Harry, you're the hot topic these days." She tried to convince him. "Everyone wants to know about you. Where you've been, what you've been up to."
"Do you really?"
"Of c-"
"That was a rhetorical question." Harry snapped. "As I was saying, do you really care about me, or the other champions, or are you using this tournament as an excuse to search for your next embellished scandal? Do your readers really care about the issues, or are the sheep that read your trash just a bunch of gossip whores only interested in seeing you tear some poor undeserving schmuck's reputation to shreds for no other reason than because you can?"
"The public has a right to know." Rita spat, using her end all excuse for ruining peoples reputations and lives with her articles.
"Oh really, and what gives you that right?" Harry asked. "Tell me Miss Skeeter, what right does the public have to me and my life?"
"Oh Harry dear," Rita said, as if speaking to a particularly ignorant child. "-you're the top celebrity in our world, of course the people want to know about you. As the biggest cultural icon of the age, the people should always be kept abreast of what you're up to."
"You know what, I've changed my mind, I think I will give you an interview. Oh, and feel free to quote me verbatim."
"Really?" Rita said, excited. "Excellent. Now the first thing my readers want to know."
"Your questions and your readers are irrelavent, so shut up and listen." Harry growled. "Now tell me, what were you doing in the days after Voldemort was vanquished? Were you out celebrating the defeat of the dreaded Dark Lord? I bet you were. I bet you were out having yourself a good old time, happy in the knowledge that You-Know-Who was gone, and that you'd survived.
Tell me, in all that celebrating, did you even once consider the couple whose lives were sacrificed to bring about that defeat? Did you even once think about the poor baby who was left an orphan, and what might become of him? You all like to claim that I'm the BWL, a celebrity, and the savior of the wizarding world, and you personally like to use this excuse to snoop around into my life, but did any of you care enough about your supposed savior to inquire about what happened to him, or if he was even all right?
As a matter of fact, did you give any thought or consideration to any of the children left orphaned by Voldemort and the sick bastards that did his bidding? No, you were too busy out partying and celebrating, so do not give me that crap about the the public having any rights as it pertains to me."
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Alternative Horcrux Management
The following Preview has been rated PG-13
How can one become a master of sex while defeating Voldemort? Harry finds out when he asks Fleur a completely random, and highly inappropriate question.
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"Hey Fleur, can Veela magic kill a Horcrux in a living vessel?" Harry asked.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"Well, since Veela magic is all about love, and Horcruxes are made from acts of hatred, I figured they might help."
"'arry, Veela magic is indeed steeped in love and sensuality, but it is the feelings and desires gained from such acts, and the desire to experience them that is affected, not the emotions themselves." She lectured. "'owever, I will ask my grandmother to make sure."
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In an odd twist. Harry found out that yes, Veela magic could help to destroy a living Horcrux, but not all at once. He's also warned that the only way to destroy a Horcrux in a living vessel is to slowly break it down until there is nothing left of it. The vessel would also have to be overwhelmed by the Veela aura for that to even work. That meant that Harry would have to have sex multiple times with a Veela while she bombarded him with the full extent of her aura if he wanted to use Veela magic to kill it. The only problem with the plan, was that he could easily lose his mind from such exposure.
"Let's see, risking letting Voldemort cast a Killing Curse at me just so the Horcrux can be destroyed, or letting a Veela literally shag me braindead." Harry said. "The possibility of death by Voldemort, or losing my mind by way of overexposure to allure while having sex with a Veela. Both kill the Horcrux, and both carry risks that I may or may not recover from, is this really so hard a decision to make?"
"Well, when you put it like that, no, it's not." Bill said, grinning.
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Days later, when Harry was introduced to Isabelle Beaucourt, he had no idea that the beautiful woman who was about to shag his unwanted Horcrux to death, would end up becoming the woman he would spend his life with.
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And now, for your feature presentation.
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Birthday Snogs
Post DH, and no, neither Dobby nor Hedwig died. Harry showed some intelligence, and sent Hedwig to the Burrow early, and Bellatrix's dagger hit nothing but air.
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"Dobby, Kreacher, do Crumple Horned Snorkacks exist?" Harry asked as the two popped in answering his call.
"Dobby isn't sure, but Dobby knows how to find out." Dobby answered. "If they is existing, Dobby and Kreacher be finding them." To Harry's surprise, Kreacher gave an emphatic nod of agreement.
A few days later, Harry found with some peaceful solitude while Hermione and Ron tried to explore their fledgeling relationship. Considering their continued bickering and frustration with each other, that was only interrupted by occasional snogging, Harry guessed they'd have things figured out soon enough. Whether the relationship ran its course, or they worked things out, he was sure things would be resolved by the time they finished Hogwarts. As he went back to reading Hogwarts: A History- and he would forever maintain that Hermione had conned him into it- his solitude was interrupted by two near simultaneous pops.
"Harry Potter, sir, Dobby and Kreacher be finding the Crumply Horny Snork." Harry tried to hold in his amusement at the extreme botching of the creatures name, as well as his shock that the creature actually existed. Still, the thought that this would be the best damn birthday present that he could get for Luna, decided things for him.
"Then I want you to bring me one, unless it's too dangerous a creature, then a few pictures will suffice." Harry said. "If it's not, and you can manage it, I want a breeding pair."
"Dobby and Kreacher will do." Kreacher said.
Snapping off a sharp salute, Harry smartly spoke. "First lieutenant Dobby, Sergeant Kreacher, godspeed, gentlemen, and good luck." Both elves returned the salute, before Dobby gathered their hunting supplies with a snap of his fingers. With a snap of his fingers, Kreacher changes their clothes into the desert fatigues of the British Muggle army. Judging by that alone, Harry now understood why the Lovegoods had never found one. They'd been searching in entirely the wrong climate.
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Seeming to understand his desire for secrecy, Dobby and Kreacher once again found him alone reading Hogwarts: A History. Given the page that he was staring at, and the several dozen after it that he'd discovered during his first readthrough, Harry reasoned he now understood why this was Hermione's favorite book. Noticing his company, Harry bookmarked and closed his book, and gave them his attention. Upon seeing the cage Dobby was holding up with pride, the young wizard couldn't help staring.
Harry found himself rather intrigued by the softly dozing creatures in the cage. They were about the size of a niffler, with tanned scales covering its body. It carried itself on spindly arms and legs ending in paws with very long fingers. The head was dome shaped with small, bat-like ears, and a long snout similar to that of a niffler. The trademark crumbled horn was situated right on the top of its head, but angled backwards towards its rear. Almost as if it realized it was being stared at, the Snorkack he was examining opened its eyes, and stared at him. The dark, slanted eyes studied him curiously for a moment, before the long, thin pink tongue of one of them slipped between he bars and brushed against his hand. Before the creature settled back down to sleep with a soft purr, Harry could have sworn he saw a twinkle in its eyes that reminded him of Dumbledore.
Harry thanked the two profusely, earning two beaming smiles from the pair. Upon getting agreement from Dobby to place the gift on Luna's trunk the night before her birthday after she went to bed, and for Kreacher to grab a few of the basic necessities for taking care of her new pets, he dismissed them to whatever held their interests. While Kreacher had left immediately to carry out his new task, Harry noticed that Dobby had hung back.
"What's up, Dobby?"
"Harry Potter sir, can Dobby be keeping the uniform?" The elf asked. "Dobby be liking the colors and pockets, and Dobby can even wear Dobby's socks."
"Of course you can." Dobby smiled wide, before he too disappeared with a pop.
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Luna Lovegood woke up to a sound that resembled a loud, shrill shriek the morning of her birthday. Grabbing her wand, she began searching for the danger, only to discover that the thing that caused the screams were a pair of caged creatures sitting on top of her trunk. Her face lit up in embarrassment upon seeing what the pair of caged creatures were doing without a care of their audience. Sitting on top of the bouncing cage was a letter. Picking it up, and noticing the familiar messy scrawl of her friend, she read.
Luna,
Never let anyone tell you that you're crazy for believing in the unseen. Sometimes you just have to have faith. In case you're wondering, the two creatures in the cage are a breedable pair of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. The reason you couldn't find them, is because you were searching in the wrong climate. Snorkacks are creatures that prefer warmer, dryer climates, like the plains of Africa, so we'll probably have to build them an enclosure so that they don't suffer the harsh, cold winters of Scotland. Remember, anything is possible if you believe hard enough.
Happy Birthday!
Harry
P.s. Feel free to lord this over everyone who called you Loony.
Making quick work of her morning routine, Luna checked on her present- blushing at the fact that they were still going strong in their coitus- before quickly making her way out of the dorms. Upon reaching the Great Hall, Luna walked up to Harry, and tapped him on the shoulder.
Turning, Harry gave her a grin. "Happy Birthday Luna, how has your morning been?"
In answer, she cupped his cheeks, and snogged him silly.
"Luna!" Someone exclaimed, but Harry was far too distracted by soft lips, and a viking of a tongue ransacking his mouth to find out or care. Who knew Luna was such a brilliant kisser? Far too soon for his liking, the lips and tongue went away.
"Not that I don't appreciate it, but what was that for?" Harry asked, a silly grin on his face.
"You know what it was for." She said, her face oddly determined.
"Right, so where are your two new friends?" Harry asked.
"Well, since you did get me a pair, they're a little...busy." Luna said, blushing. Before Harry could ask, they were interrupted.
"Not that I don't appreciate young love, but I must say, that was a highly unusual action on your part, Miss Lovegood." Flitwick said. "And quite an inappropriate display for public consumption, especially at breakfast."
"I'm sorry Professor, but Harry just gave me the best birthday present I've ever received." She said, earning an eyebrow raise. "Harry found me a breeding pair of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks."
Knowing just how much finding that species had meant to both the girl, and her parents, the excitable professor could only gulp. In point of fact, the girl could have vanished both of their clothes, and shagged the boy on the head table, and an argument still could have been made in her favor about complete propriety. "Then may I suggest you take your thanks somewhere a little more private, and be sure to remember your contraceptive."
Blushing, Luna replied. "I don't think that will be necessary, sir. Though I'll probably end up snogging Harry several times a day until my happiness and excitement wears off."
"I'm glad that you liked your gift Luna." Harry said, wondering if it was wrong that he hoped her happiness and excitement didn't wear off anytime soon. "I guess I should also probably avoid dating for the foreseeable future as I don't think a girlfriend would appreciate that."
Blushing again, she kissed Harry lightly on the lips. "I should probably warn you that once he finds out, daddy will probably insist that I marry you."
"Is it wrong that I can't seem to find any problem with that aside from whether you want to, or not?" Harry asked.
"That's just the kiss talking, Harry." Luna said. "Although I appreciate the compliment."
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A little over a week later, Harry received a large parchment envelope, from Hedwig, only to have it snatched away by Luna upon recognizing the official parchment her father used for advertisement contracts with the businesses who used the Quibbler.
"Luna, is there a reason why you're stealing my mail?" Harry asked, willing to give the girl the benefit of doubt. Luna rarely ever did things without a reason, even if some of them he didn't understand.
"Do you remember the other day when I told you that daddy would insist I marry you for finding us not only a Snorkack, but a breeding pair?" Harry nodded, to which Luna opened the package. "Just as I thought, a standard Betrothal Clause Questionaire."
Seeing Hermione react in shock, and Ginny, Neville, and Ron react with amusement, he turned to his best friend. "Care to explain this in a way that makes sense to me?"
"It's basically a survey you fill out to help determine the terms of a betrothal contract." Hermione explained. "It wasn't used very often, as most parents who used those contracts just decided the terms of their chlidren's betrothals themselves."
"Yes, well the Lovegood contract is a little more personally invasive, as it also covers terms for events up to, and including the wedding night." She admitted with a blush. "I snuck a peak at my parents' contract, and there was even a section dedicated to required sexual kinks and positions that would be explored during the honeymoon. That was certainly a lot more than I wanted to know about my parent's intimacy practices; especially my mum's more unorthodox kinks."
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An unashamedly H/Hr/L Omake
"Did Harry really find you a pair of Snorkacks?" Hermione asked.
"Why yes, yes he did." Luna answered, causing the girl to pale.
"Oh bugger." She said, earning a shocked look from both Luna and Harry. "Well, I kind of made a magical vow envolving naughty stuff, and enslaving myself if I ever saw proof of a Snorkack."
"Oh god, please tell me you didn't do something crazy like vowing to sexually enslave yourself to Malfoy." Harry pleaded.
"Not to Malfoy, no."
"You vowed to sexually enslave yourself to Harry?" Luna asked, and Hermione's blush deepened. "Did you at least give yourself a safe timelimit?"
"Yes, but..." She admitted. "-well, I might have also vowed that my enslavement would only end once I'd completed my rather lengthy list of sexual activities and kinks to try out with him. It's...a really long list, and the last item...well, lets just say that Harry won't be the last Potter once my list is complete."
"Bugger." Harry groaned.
"That's actually number nine on my list." Hermione replied. 'And if Ginny hadn't just been teasing me about seeing Harry in the locker room after Quidditch practice, I won't be able to sit comfortably for at least a week afterwards.'
"Wait, didn't you say if you saw proof? If you don't see them, then it won't work, and I won't have to take you as a slave, right." Harry asked, before noting Hermione's hurt look. Even if she didn't want to be a slave, it still hurt to just be dismissed. "Nothing against you, Hermione, but do you honestly think I'd feel comfortable with a sex slave, especially one who's my best friend. Even if you are very attractive, it's just not right."
"Harry, I want this as little as you, but let's be honest here." She said. "Knowing your luck, and based on everything that's happened to us the past several years, what do you think our chances are of the conditions involving my vow not coming to pass?"
"So I should just accept it now, and we try and work through the list as quickly as you're comfortable with?" Harry asked.
"Given the nature of the vow itself, I cannot outright refuse your advances, especially if the item is on my list." Hermione said. "The best I could do is ask you if we could postpone being together for a later time."
"Okay, that's good to know, so that I don't accidentally force you into anything." Harry said.
"Harry, my last item is becoming a mother." She said, causing Harry's eyes to widen. "So, unless you're absolutely sure you're ready to become a father, this is something that we're going to be dealing with for awhile."
"Oh goody, I was hoping to find out if you were truly a prude, or just repressed." Luna said. "Oh, and don't tell Ginny I said this, but if you want to stick around after your vow is completed, I wouldn't mind sharing with you."