TTGL: So this is the Heavens.
Omake Issue 7: Overcomplicated plans.
A/N: Hey hey guys, its time for omake number 7. Sorry it's a wee bit late.
This week it is dedicated to archsage328. On his request we have a chapter including a few more lesser mentioned Bleach characters. Hope you all enjoy. Read and review, it feeds my writing machine.
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"AAARRRGHHH! Why? Every time! My life is over! I'm doomed! I can feel the strength leaving me already!" shouted an average built shinigami with ruffled brown hair.
"I think you may be overacting a little bit. You should be use to women turning you down by now, Keigo." sighed the blue haired shinigami that walked beside him, just far enough away to claim that he didn't know the overdramatic man if questioned.
"You wouldn't understand, Mizuiro. You pick chicks up easily with your boyish good looks and charm. I got turned down all my life and I'm set to be turned down my entire afterlife."
"Maybe if you mellowed out a bit then you'd get further." Mizuiro commented half-heartedly, knowing he was asking for the impossible.
Keigo threw his hands into the air. "Forget that! It's my energy and high spirits that make me who I am. To calm down would be to suffocate myself. Why does no one understand tha-Urg."
His head hit a solid object with a dull thud. He locked up to see a shirtless shinigami with light blue hair and pointed orange shades. He looked down upon the two shinigami and lifted his shades.
"Hey, what's eatin' at you? We're at peace, everything's suppose to be happy."
"H-holy crap. You're K-Kamina!" stuttered Keigo, nearly peeing himself in excitement.
"Yup, the one and only badass leader of team Dai-Gurren. Who're you guys?"
Keigo was to hyper to speak. Mizuiro answered for him. "I am Mizuiro Kojima, Tenth Seat of Squad Five and this is my friend, Keigo Asano, Eleventh Seat of the same division. Pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"I bet it is." beamed Kamina, his ego always a weakness. "So, what's your friend so distressed about, or did he just suffer a few too many blows to the head in training. My manly inspiration will cure him of both!"
"I'm a failure!" Keigo cried, his mood doing a 180 at a moment's notice. "No girls ever look twice at me. I'm going to die alone…a second time!"
"Women problems, eh? Well, you happened to bump into just the right person because the mighty Kamina is the ultimate chick magnet!" boasted Kamina. He missed out the part about never having had the chance to use his magnetism to its full extent.
There was a blur of pink that whipped between the group and Kamina found himself being pushed away. The wind died down revealing Captain Shunsui Kyoraku stood beside Keigo.
"C-captain?" stuttered both friends, awestruck by his sudden appearance.
"Listen to me, my fine young men. Nothing that that man could tell you would work. You see, he's Squad Eleven. Too straight forward and direct. Their idea of a first date is to knock a girl out with a club and drag her back home. Women require, patience and lots of gifts to woo them. Let me, the captain of love, help you in your quest."
"Of course, Captain Kyoraku. I'll follow you to the end of the Earth for your help." laughed Keigo, shaking on the spot. His eyes burned with eagerness.
"Good call. First stop, the gift shop." said the lazy captain before strolling off towards the shopping district. Keigo skipped behind him. Kamina and Mizuiro followed slowly, more through curiosity than anything else.
An hour passed and the group was making its way toward the Thirteenth Division's barracks. Keigo had picked out a cute girl that he had had his eye on for a while as his first target.
Kyoraku placed a confident hand on Keigo's shoulder. "Don't worry. Just do everything I told you and your problems will disappear."
"Right!" nodded Keigo. He nervously walked up to the girl and held out a cuddly teddy bear. He offered a sweet smile. "I got you this because its so cute, just like you."
The girl eyed the bear then Keigo. "How old do you think I am?"
"W-what?"
"I know that I have a young face but this is ridiculous. What use could a grown women, a shinigami no less, have for a teddy bear. Unless you're some kind of paedophile, thinking I am younger than I am and trying to groom me!"
"…er…" He thought for a moment, sweat running down his face. "I brought you some chocolate."
"I'm on a diet." she growled.
"Why. I think some meat on a girl looks good…"
He instantly regretted his statement. The girl's eyes flashed like Satan's. "You think I look meaty?"
"N-n-no I just mean that- Arrggh!" she swung the teddy at him with such force that he flew ten yard backward into a wall.
Throwing the poor toy on the floor she drew her zanpakuto. "Come near me again and this'll be you." she hissed, stabbing her sword through the bear's groin. Keigo swallowed hard and ran for his life.
They found him crying in a corner a few minutes later. Kyoraku tried to comfort him but Keigo shoved him away. "You said a stuffed toy would work for sure." he screamed, pointing an accusing finger at the captain.
"It usually works." muttered Kyoraku dejectedly.
Kamina stepped forward. "Now let me show you how real men do it-"
"Hahahahaha!" came an annoying voice from nearby. Striding towards them was a tall, well built man in white attire. His sand blonde hair was styled like a lion's mane and a small lion plush toy hung from his belt.
"You should have known that cute toys have no effect. I once thought that too. I use to use this plush toy as a body." he said, indicating the toy on his waist. "I figured that girls would love to take me home and cuddle me into their soft valley of love, but all they did was kick me or stand on me. So harsh."
"Kon!" cried out Keigo, rushing to bow before the mod soul. "Please show me the true path to women!"
Kon considered this for a moment. "Fine. I'll take you on as a disciple. Listen carefully. Women always love the hero. You've gotta go out their and save a damsel in distress. Chicks dig that sort of thing. Plus it makes them feel obliged to be nice to you."
"Wise words, my lord Kon!" yipped Keigo. "Gotta go find me some hot babes to save."
Kamina turned to Mizuiru. "How good is he in a fight?"
"Useless." sighed Mizuiru. "He's only Eleventh Seat because he begged Ichigo for a month straight."
"Wanna watch?"
"Sure."
The group followed Keigo out of the Seireitei and into the wild forests around the Rukongai. It was an area that had yet to be fully cleansed by the shinigami so still posed a danger to the nearby souls. It was rich in supplies though so many still ventured within, often needing shinigami help to get back out.
It was only a matter of time until the piercing sound of a female scream tore through the quite. Keigo sped through the trees and skidded through a patch of medicinal herbs. A young women was on the floor, a basket shattered in pieces a few foot away. Before her was a fearsome dragon shaped hollow.
"Have no fear, beautiful maiden, for I, the heroic Keigo Asano is here to save you!" proclaimed the shinigami in his manliest voice.
He charged at the dragon, zanpakuto raised high. A wordless battle cry left his mouth. The hollow stomped on him, picked his battered body up with its teeth, shook him around like a frantic dog would a rabbit and then smashed him into a tree.
The hollow continued his advance toward the women until Kon swept in and delivered a powerful kick to its face, killing it instantly. He landed beside the women.
"Kon-sama, my hero!" she squealed, jumping up to hug him.
"Bastard…" groaned Keigo weakly.
Kamina and Mizuiru helped him to his feet. "All these plans are overcomplicated. All you need is to-" Kamina began.
And elderly yet full of energy voice interrupted him. "Its not necessarily being a hero that the women like, it's the fame that comes with it. Women are attracted to fame like a moth to flame."
An oldish man with long white hair that was spiky around his head then descended into a long ponytail. He wore a green suit with a red overcoat. Crimson lines streaked his face like bloody tear trails.
"I am the famous writer and sannin ninja, Jiraiya! Trust me, if they think that you are famous, they'll let you get away with nearly everything. Come with me, lad. I'm doing research for my next book and just so happened to be heading to the hot spring."
"Hot spring." mused Keigo. His face relaxed. "That sounds more like it. No monsters, just warm water and women."
Mizuiru and Kamina both shook their heads and followed at a more sedate pace. Kyoraku and Kon joined them, wanting to see if this guy's method would beat theirs.
By the time that they got there, the hot spring was already in a ruckus. Keigo and Jiraiya were nowhere in sight. The group heard a loud smacking sound and looked up to see the two men come flying out from the walled enclosure in a battered and bloody mess. They hit the floor painfully by Kamina's feet.
A women wrapped in a towel stomped out, her face looking very angry. "And if you two perverts try that again we'll make sure to finish the job!" She marched back inside.
"What did you do?" asked Mizuiru.
"We carved a hole in the wall to take a look but were caught." coughed Jiraiya. "I told them who I was but that only made them more angry. Then they hit us, really hard."
Kamina remembered how he and Simon had tried to do the same thing. A small smile graced his face. "You guys are pathetic. If there's something that a man has to see, then you have to go ahead and see it. You have to face it like everything else in the world, face to face without any of this sneaking around. Sometimes, the risk is worth the reward."
Without elaboration Kamina strode boldly into the hot spring building and pushed past the guard, straight into the women's half. The others quickly followed, eager to see what would happen. They expected lots of blood.
The next set of guards didn't stop Kamina either. They didn't even slow him. He pushed aside the curtains and beheld the crowded women's section. He admired the view for a moment then began to shout.
"Hey hey hey hey hey! The mighty Kamina stands before your glory! This thing works both ways, I get to see you, you get to see me! Fair deal!"
The women seemed confused. They weren't used to such direct methods. They weren't sure whether to be angry or to blush. Kamina stripped down and they unanimously decided to blush. He waded into the water and was rapidly surrounded by giggling girls.
Keigo, Kon, Jiraiya and Kyoraku all stood to one side, mouths gaping open.
"How the hell does he do that…"
"Well, when in Rome…" grinned Jiraiya before diving in. it only took a moment for the others to make the same decision.
Keigo swam up to Kamina. "Kamina-sama, you really are the greatest!"
"Don't I know it!" he smiled as he leaned back into the arms of several bare angels.