I was searching for something to read on Fictionpress(dot)com and this is what I found. I know it's not fanfiction, but this is definitely deserving of my commentary. And, I thought we could all use a little break from My Inner Life.

And as Tara Gilesbie would say, "WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD"

Just Add Water

Ever since I hit puberty I've thought about sex. It all started when I was around nine and started to get boobs. [At that age I didn't even know I had a vagina.] My mom gave me the talk then, and sometime after that I started to masturbate. At first I just played around with myself with my fingers, and even though I got wet countless times that way, but my fingers could only go so far inside, so I never got any real pleasure that way.

When I turned eleven I officially "became a woman" as mom put it, and my hormones really started to act up after that. I decided to experiment and branch out with my masturbation options. [Why would you masturbate at 11 years old? Isn't that a little young? Geez...] Ditching my fingers since they didn't seem to work I found a rubber ball. I obviously couldn't stick that inside of me, but just rolling it around down there felt pretty good.

When I turned fourteen I started dating Trey, and even though we fooled around sometimes we never went all the way. Even though my body and hormones were practically screaming at me to reproduce, I didn't want to take the chance of getting pregnant so young, so I decided to wait until I was at least eighteen. He respected that, but we broke up in a few months.

I didn't really mind though, because he wasn't really good at fooling around. Plus I saw his cock once, and it was HUGE. [That's unheard of. Why would you break up with someone because their dick was TOO big?] There was no way it was gonna fit inside of me without me screaming in pain or something. So I quickly got over Tray with no tears shed, and went back to masturbating.

I had gotten smarter at this age, and cut a hole in the ball and stuck a few cotton swabs (about ten) inside creating a fake cock to thrust inside of me whenever my hormones acted up (in private of course). It became known to me as my masturbation ball. [Cotton swabs? That seems like it would be so uncomfortable... And what if one of the swabs like, broke when it was in you?]

I was sixteen when it happened, but before I get to that let me tell you a little more about myself. My name's Storm [Why would you ever name your kid Storm?] (I'm not kidding either). In case it's not obvious for you, I'm a girl. A pretty normal girl too. [Normal? Pshhhnaw...] Average family, three younger siblings (Yay -_-), average friends, average school, blah blah blah. I just get on with it.

Oh wait no that's not everything. I forgot to mention that I'm a hermaphrodite. [Yes, a hermaphrodite. Just like Lady Gaga. ... AND HOW IS THAT NORMAL? ^] My doctor told me during one of my normal check ups. [That must be so awkward telling someone... I mean, it's not really something you can just casually mention one day to your patient: "Oh, btw you have a penis lol have a nice day" ] After that I usually wondered what it would be like to be a boy. Don't get me wrong I'm not gonna get a sex change or anything, I'm perfectly happy with being a girl, but I sometimes thought about what it's like to have someone sucking on your cock. Personally I find oral sex a little gross, I mean, you don't know where it's been! Plus he's been using that thing to go to the bathroom since he was born. Still, it feels good, doesn't it? Anyway... [Personally, if my doctor told me that I had a penis, I would get it removed ASAP.]

I like plants. I'm not really sure why, but once year for my birthday my grandma gave me a flower plant for my birthday, and ever since they've just multiplied over the years. There wasn't enough room outside for all of them, so I started keeping the new ones in the bathroom in their pots. Plus it's my bathroom so I don't have to worry about what my family says.

You see, our house has two bathrooms. One giant master bathroom with a shower, a nice platinum bathtub that can also be used as a hot tub, a toilet, and a sink. Then there's the tiny boring bathroom down the hall that I used to share with my two sisters and brother, but they all got tired off me "Hogging it" as they said and kept complaining about it so my parents got fed up with it and surrendered their bathroom to me. So now everyone's pretty happy ^_^ [I can't take this story seriously with the random smiley faces.]

Anyway, getting to the point here. It happened when I was home alone one night. Mom and dad were out to dinner and then a bar or something like that (they didn't really tell me) and all my siblings were at one of their friends house, leaving me alone and bored in a nice empty house. So I decided to use the hot tub to kill time.

As a kid, I loved taking baths. My mom would fill the tub for me with nice warm water, then I'd play in there with my bath toys until it got cold. Then as I got a bit older I became aware that was soaking in my own dirt and germs, and that just grossed me out. So, before I got in the tub I took a quick shower to solve this problem. Then while the tub was filling up I went into my room and grabbed the masturbation ball. [...] It would be the last time I used it, but I didn't know that then. [Oh gawd, foreshadowing.] I had mainly put my plants around the edge of the tub, so I had to be careful not to bump into them as I got in. The water was pretty hot so I got in slowly, then once my body was used to it I got comfortable and slowly stuck the ball inside of me. [Cotton swabs are like, paper-ish, so how is she holding them in the water for an extended period of time without them breaking or something? Looks like the author didn't think this one through...]

I moaned softly as I moved it back and forth thrusting it a bit, then I reached over and hit the button to get the bubbles going with my hand. Thing was I accidentally pushed one of my plants closer to the edge when I reached over, and I didn't notice until it fell in with a loud crash.

"Oh fuck" I said.

I had found that plant recently by the trash. It was all brown and shriveled up, but I wanted to try and save it. I wasn't sure what kind of plant it was, and I couldn't even find it on the internet. [She's like a crazy cat lady with plants.] I gave it plenty of water and it was green again within a few days. It had lots of thick dark green vines, and a single large pink flower in the middle. I was glad it was healthy again and proud that I was able to save it, but I knew some plants died if you gave it to much water, and since it just fell in the tub and the pot broke it was probably done for.

I hit the button to stop the bubbles with one hand, and pulled my masturbation ball out of me with the other. I tossed it aside and was about to stand up to drain the water and clean up the mess, but then the water started bubbling where the plant was, and then it slowly started to suck it all up. Next thing I know I feel something grab my ankles tightly an force my legs to part as far as they'll go, then before I could scream a big green vine shot out of the water and forced it's way into my mouth. [AND THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T PICK UP STRANGE PLANTS YOU FIND IN THE TRASH.]

I tried to pull it out with my hands, but then more vines came at me and grabbed my wrists. I tried to bite the vine in my mouth, but it didn't even twitch. It just continued to move around in my mouth going back and forth and thrusting slowly. It seemed to get harder too, and when I tried to bite it again it released a sticky liquid that I either had to swallow of choke on. I swallowed it, and surprisingly it tasted nice and sweet. [Plant jizz?] I wanted more, so I began sucking on the vine and swallowing all the liquid it gave me. [That is fairly disgusting.]

While I was doing that the plant seemed to have adsorbed all the water and had grown at least five times it's size. The vines were all different in thickness and length, and the flower was probably twice my head, but it was still closed. [The first time I read this, I was completely grossed out. Just saying.]

Two of the largest vines (about the size of my leg) came towards me and started rubbing my torso gently covering it in a clear sticky slime that was probably similar to the liquid. It seemed to hear me moan as it touched my fully grown 36 C cup breasts because it stayed there and continued to caress them gently while I felt another vine behind me cover my ass with slime. [UM. YOU'RE GETTING MOLESTERED BY A PLANT.]

I continued to moan with pleasure at the warm feeling I was getting inside from all this, and I watched as another vine came towards my legs and slowly wormed inside of me. Most girls would probably freak out in this situation, I mean here I was in the bathtub being raped by a fucking plant (pun not intended) but it all just felt so good. [I'm pretty sure that absolutely no one would stay calm if they were in this situation.] This was WAY better then masturbating.

I was already pretty wet so it didn't hurt much when it went inside me, but then another vine entered as well and it took my virginity. I flinched from the sudden pain and whimpered slightly biting hard on the vine in my mouth to bear the pain. Then it felt like something shot right up my ass and it took me a moment to realize that it was another vine. More liquid came into my mouth and it seemed to dull the pain. [WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN...]

Then I felt the vines worm around and move inside me and I once again moaned. I closed my eyes and focused only on the feeling (something I learned to do when masturbating). I felt another vine go inside me, then they seemed to hit just the right spot making my cry out with pleasure and involuntarily start thrusting against it. [I don't even know anymore...]

It seemed to take this as a good sign and started thrusting into me harder going deeper and deeper and deeper each time. Then it felt like it grabbed something inside of me and it started to tug at it. I didn't know what it was, but I suddenly got this wet creamy feeling that made me moan louder then ever. [EW. IT'S LIKE, RIPPING HER INSIDES OUT.] The other vines wrapped around it as well and kept tugging at it, but still remained gentle. Then it felt like it it was rapidly growing inside of me and about to burst. [I'm never going to be able to look at plants the same way ever again.]

I moaned again as I felt it come out of me, but kept my eyes closed. It just seemed to keep growing and getting bigger, and it all just felt so good. Then I felt the vines around my ankles and wrists slowly start to pull me towards the plant so I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the flower on the plant open wide and saw three smaller flowers come out closed, the one in the middle the biggest.

Then I looked down to see that the vines inside of me had grabbed my cock [WHAT? WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?] that never came down and increased it's size drastically with the slime, and when I say drastic, I mean it. It was like having a third leg. The vines holding me kept moving me closer to the plant itself, while the rest of them moved around my cock making me hard and moan loudly.
When I reached the plant the two smaller flowers came towards me as the vines around my breasts moved away for them. The flowers opened like mouths, and then began sucking on my breasts while the other one began doing the same to my cock. I let out another cry of pleasure as the rest of the vines seemed to touch the rest of my body giving me that warm feeling all over. I felt my cock ejaculate filling the flower with my cream, but it swallowed it all and continued to suck even harder. [Oh my sweet baby Jesus.]

I noticed that the more it seemed to suck on me, the bigger the flower would get, and the bigger it got it went deeper and deeper until the whole cock was in it's mouth. [PLANTS DON'T HAVE MOUTHS.] Once I couldn't see it anymore I felt the vines on my ankles let go, so I wrapped my legs around the plant the best I could and began thrusting into it while moaning.

After that it got pretty blurry, and when I came to I was lying in the empty bathtub completely dry and back to normal. My cock was back inside of me never to come out again, and if it wasn't for the plant next to me back to the size I first found it I would've thought it was all a dream. [So, lemme get this straight; she has a dick, but it only comes out when it wants to? AND I REALLY WANNA KNOW HOW HER DOCTOR FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.]

"Thank you" I whispered to it while gently stroking one of the vines. [You do not thank a plant that just raped you. That's not okay.]

It seemed to understand me and gently rubbed a vine against my cheek. I got out of the tub and carefully put the plant into a new pot with fresh dirt. When I reached adulthood and started dating guys again I had sex a few times, but the pleasure they gave me never compared to the plant. [Imagine re-telling this story to your future children. Must be awkward.] From that day on whenever my hormones started acting up again I just locked the bathroom door, and gave that one plant a whole lot of water. Then the pleasure started all over again. [FIN.]

Author's Notes

Uh, yeah this is what happens when it's the middle of the night, I'm bored, and my hormones are acting up. I noticed that the only tentacle sex stuff on this site seemed to be with guys (yaoi) and not girls. So here's my attempt at tentacle stuff. Please review and tell me what you think of it and how I can approve.

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Stray of Hyrule: Thank-you! And your review made me smile :D

Ilovesheikey: Thankies :DDD And Sheik is my second favorite TLoZ character ever. :3
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Thanks for reading!