Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Touhou characters, settings or any other original material created by ZUN or any other affiliates. All Touhou copyrights belong to their respective owners.

I'm starting to think I need some sort of plot…

What? Oh, yah, this fic admittedly has just been guided by random bits of humour up till now. Huh…

Maybe this chapter will fix it. Enjoy…

Ch. 4: Worst case scenario

"Reimu Reimu Reimu REIMU!"

"What?" Reimu turned away from staring into the evening sky. She was sitting on the veranda of her house, drinking tea and enjoying the tranquil atmosphere and oh my heavens… Reimu stood up at the sight of Suika running towards her.

Suika looked horrible. She was perspiring all over, her hair was ragged, her eyes livid, wheezing and shaking as she ran to Reimu's side. She looked like she had been experiencing a nightmare.

"Reimu! My… my…!"

"C-Calm down Suika!" Reimu grabbed Suika firmly by the arms, and forced her to sit. Kneeling next to her, Reimu patted Suika in various areas, trying to feel if there was something physically wrong with her. "What's going on, why do you look so terrible? Does it hurt anywhere?"

"I-It's not me!" Suika exclaimed. "Ha… ha… listen Reimu… My… my…" Suika hyperventilated.

"Wait, Suika, please relax!" Reimu was really concerned now. "Please, just calm down and tell me what's wrong."

"My… my gourd. It's empty!"

…

"Drink," Reimu deadpanned, holding up a cup of tea to Suika.

"No… Reimu! My gourd! My sake…!"

"Drink."

"Reimu…!"

"Drink," Reimu held up her gohei in conjunction with the cup of tea she was offering Suika.

It is not often one has to choose between death and tea.

"Ha… Ngh… Ha…" Suika bit her lip. That tea… She took the cup and forced herself to down the non-intoxicating liquid, then promptly spat it back up as the hot liquid scalded her throat. Reimu face-palmed, and prepared another cup of tea, then gently and thoroughly blew over its surface to cool it a bit.

"Drink this one. Slowly," she offered the new cup of tea to Suika.

"O-Okay…" Suika took the tea, and slowly sipped the tea. Within a few moments, she began to calm down.

"Now," Reimu began slowly, "What's the matter?"

"My gourd, Reimu, my gourd!" Suika said desperately. "It's… It's empty!"

"Empty? Isn't there supposed to be a never-ending flow of sake?"

"That's just the thing! It's empty! It's not refilling!"

"And there's no sake."

"And there's no sake! Reimu! Have you got sake?" Suika grabbed Reimu and shook her, pleading.

"I've got tea."

"Not good enough Reimu! I need alcohol! I need alcohol!" Suika started frothing, eyes glazed.

"Oh, don't pretend you're having a withdrawal…" Reimu was not alarmed by Suika's display. "You've boasted one too many times how you have an Oni's blood and liver. Too much or too little alcohol won't kill you."

"T'ch…" Suika rubbed the froth from her mouth and then proceeded to de-mist her eyes. "But Reimu! My gourd! It's broken!" Suika held up her gourd upside down, and sadly shook it. Not one drop.

"Sigh…" Reimu took the gourd and glanced at it. "It's a magic gourd isn't it?"

"Yah?"

"You… think the magic may be broken? As in, worn off? Like a seal or a spell?"

"I don't know, maybe?"

"How did you get the gourd anyway, Suika?"

"I… can't remember," Suika said with a far off look in her eyes.

Reimu sighed. "So you were drunk when you got it?"

"I think so."

"Did you just walk off with it when drunk? Did you steal it?"

"Might have… I had never drunk such good sake back then."

"… I can't believe you."

The two continued to stare at the gourd, unsure of what to do.

"Maybe… you should go back to the source, Suika."

"Undergound?"

"Yah, I mean, they're other Onis there right? And this kind of magic is the useless kind only Onis would use."

"Hmmm…" Suika took back the gourd. "It's worth a shot," she shrugged her shoulders.

Drip… Drip… It had been some time since Suika was back down here in the Underground. She had forgotten how dark and dank it was. Not that it was a gloomy place, there were wild parties if you knew where to look. But she somehow had come to prefer the bright warm world of Reimu and her surface dwellers… Had she gotten soft?

Hmmm… she had a 'waifu', who could make her go pichu~n at will… Yah she had gotten soft. Good thing Cirno had not told Reimu she had joked about that…

Tok… Tok… As Suika walked, the gourd uneasily and emptily knocked on her side, each knock making Suika more and more annoyed. She reached for the sake and tipped it into her mouth, but no sake came out… Damn… She removed a flask cold tea Reimu had given her and downed that instead. That would tide her thirst for liquid over… But there had better be something good later on, drink, comedy, anything…

"Who goes there?"

Huh? That soft, cold voice… Was she there already? Suika looked up to see an archway with the sign "Hell Entrance (Please take care of your personal belongings. Safety and security is everyone's responsibility)"

"Who goes there?" the voice repeated.

Suika stopped in her tracks. She could not see the source of the voice, which was a good bet that the person could not see her either, since they were both creatures of the Underground. Mischief crawled up from Suika's gut into her head. Suika took a deep breath, and attempted to lower her voice several octaves.

"It's just me," Suika said in a firm, steady, strong voice, very uncharacteristic of her own.

"Y-You…? What are you doing here!" the voice replied, sounding just a tad bit unsure of itself. "Y-You… You have no business here!"

Huh… I thought I would have received a warmer welcome. Suika changed tack, "I was just passing through," she said in the same deeper voice.

"Passing through, my pointy ears! That's what you always say! And all you do is just stand there with your stupid silly grin and look at me, like some old pervert!" Suika could practically hear the blush in the voice's response. Ooh… tsundere… Is that it?

"I can't help being a pervert," Suika's slyness was running on all gears. "Any old man would go gaga over a cute little princess…" she said, adding sexiness to the deep voice she was using.

"Gah! Enough nonsense from you! You stupid Oni you!" Parsee stepped out from the darkness into visual range, her blue and black skirt bunched up in her hands out of furious shyness. The petite, blonde, elf-like bridge princess's smooth, fair skin was sharply contrasted with the brilliant rosy red of her cheeks and pointy ears. Her eyes were glowing a warm, fuzzy green, a cutely embarrassed sort of green.

"Hoshiguma Yuugi! I…! I…" Parsee trailed off when she saw she had accused, and inadvertently displayed her true colours to, the wrong Oni.

"Hi!" Suika cheerily greeted in her usual voice.

" … Ibuki SUIKA!" Parsee shrilled. "You… YOU…!"

"I'm just passing through, as I said-"

"You will not pass, Suika! Not even if I have to defeat you for it!"

"… Oh?"

"… Not even if I have to burn through five lives and six bombs to defeat you!"

"…"

"…I'll make you jealous. Very jealous," Parsee hissed.

"O-Okay, I'm sorry Parsee, just don't do creepy stuff like that," Suika pleaded, grinning. Parsee may not be the best danmaku fighter, but they do say the deepest level of hell is not one of physical torture, especially if the source of that hell is a woman…

"Look, listen," Parsee nosed up to Suika. "You better not breathe a word of this or I'll make you so jealous, you won't be able to look at even the slightest of comforts without wanting to rip yourself to shreds."

"Alright, alright I get it! I get it!" Suika chuckled. Yuugi was right… Parsee was cute when she was mad. Too bad she was already the target of someone else-

"I told you. Parsee's so cute when she's mad, isn't she?" Hoshiguma Yuugi suddenly appeared behind the two. "Oh, and nice impersonation of me there!" she grinned at Suika. "I saw the whole thing!"

Uh oh…

Suika looked at Parsee, her irises a very, very brilliant green. Not the warm, fuzzy kind either.

"You're dead…" Parsee mouthed.

And Suika was never heard from ever again. The End.

Nah just kidding, read on.