A/N: If only any of you had known the trouble I went through writing this chapter.
Seriously though, this one really was a challenge. It's quite long, and I was planning on it being longer but realized then it would be about twice the current size. I know I've taken a long time with it, but I spent a whole month in Brandeis University, having the time of my life (for real. It was legitimately the best experience I have ever had) and writing a boatload. I did some slam poetry too, which was awesome, and made approximately a million new friends. Also school started, and I suspect my soul is kinda dying.
Regarding this chapter, it has me quite excited. This chapter and the next one are the ones that made me realize I'm going to write Of Heroes and Monsters rather than just think about it, and I truly hope you guys enjoy. If not, well, I still have many many developments planned out so hopefully you won't give up on me just yet. If you do enjoy I'll sure appreciate if you leave a comment as those tend to make my day every single time.
By the way, has anyone noticed how close this fic is to 100 followers? I sure have, and I'm psyched. So come on guys, let's bring it up to three digits!
Well, this looks a tad bit familiar, thought Jess.
Her back was pressed against a grayish-white wall, the dark floor tiles beneath her thighs as she sat with her knees pulled up in front of her chest. Next to her, at least a head taller, sat Loki in a similar position, her bittersweet company these days had to offer.
She remembered long hours, days and months spent like this, in an abandoned building with graying walls and dusty floors. It was different then, of course, because then the place in which she was locked up was a filthy ruin, and there was so much more noise. Back then the person sitting next to her was shorter than herself, smaller and significantly skinnier. Back then she sat and talked in a hushed voice with her little brother Emmett, rather than with a thousand years old Norse demigod.
Furthermore, back then she had had no intentions of giving the term "Stockholm Syndrome" a whole new meaning.
"This is all manners of screwed up," said Jess with melancholy in her voice. "I mean, this is almost comically messy."
"Keyword being almost," murmured Loki with a distant look in his eyes.
"Let me just sum this up a moment, yeah?" began Jess. "So there's fourteen year old me, whose parents split up as a kid but it was for the best, and whose potential if you think about it is actually freaking massive. Then my stupid insane father kills my mom, kidnaps his kids, murders my baby brother and puts me in a cell. Then a bunch of superheroes rescue me and take me in, giving me the hope of a new family, just for me to get kidnapped by an alien with unresolved daddy issues, with whom I have apparently decided it was reasonable to make friends. And then there's you, who used to be the great, less-liked Prince of Asgard, who had a bit of a breakdown and attempted genocide, tried to take over a planet, went to Asgardian jail, escaped, sort of nearly formed a new plan and gained leverage in the form of a teenager who's taken the habit of going Dr. Phil all over your ass. And the both of us are sitting here, having reached literally the exact same place after the ridiculous, horribly unforeseeable paths our lives took, and it all looks like a scene in a bad teen movie. And we're both fucking miserable." She paused for breath. "Well, fuck that. I call bullshit."
"Are you aware of how much you actually curse?" asked Loki with interest, seemingly undisturbed by the sudden outburst.
"I'm extremely distressed, I'm allowed to curse," grumbled Jess. "Plus who's gonna stop me? Not my parents, they're either in prison or dead." She sighed, letting herself calm down. "We didn't deserve what we got, did we?" she asked softly.
Loki gave a bitter snort. "Speak for yourself," he said. "Like you said, I attempted genocide. I betrayed my father, my brother… not that they ever were. I killed… so many. No. I deserve all that I have gotten."
"Not before all that, though," Jess pointed out, and Loki gave her a dark look. "I'm not calling you a saint, okay? You did some shit, I know, but… I've only heard your side of it, so I could be wrong, but from where I'm standing… it doesn't sound like Odin dealt with anything that's happened properly. Putting aside the fact that he should have told you the truth from the start instead of raising his sons to hate frost giants, favoring Thor all these years was fundamentally wrong. And even after. It doesn't take a genius to see things can still be made right for you. If I saw it, he should have, too. He should have tried helping you instead of throwing you in a dungeon."
"Are you saying a murderer shouldn't be punished?" asked Loki doubtfully. "What if it was your father? What if somebody thought his conscience could be restored? Would you have forgiven all his sins then, stand aside as he walked free?"
"No, but you're not my father!" argued Jess with irritation. "Stop making that comparison!"
"Why?"
"Because my father is a monster!"
"And I'm not?"
"No! That's what I've been trying to get you to realize!"
Loki scoffed. "What am I, then?" he asked. "Am I another one of your heroes? Are you going to tell me of how the Avengers and I are not so different after all? You naïve child. You speak of things about which you have no clue." His tone grew suddenly venomous, and he looked at Jess expecting to see that she has recoiled and remembered that he was a monster, but she just looked at him, unflinching, taking in his frustration.
"You're not anything," she said quietly. "The world's not made out of heroes and monsters. There's a gray area for people who did wrong and aren't necessarily horrible people. Even heroes aren't perfect, you know. They all mess up, some more than others." Her hazel eyes found his green ones, and something flashed in the connection of the two damaged souls. "You have a way out of this, Loki."
Loki swallowed. "Do you truly believe that after everything I've done I can simply return to the path of righteousness?" he asked in little more than a whisper.
"Yes," said Jess. "Odin and Thor, they were always your family, even if you were never related by blood. I don't know Odin, but I do know Thor, and he'd take you back as soon as you ask. He misses you. I see it whenever the invasion is brought up in conversation, even indirectly."
Loki shook his head and looked down, away from those pleading eyes of hers. "Clearly you don't know him well enough. I hurt too much. Thor will never forgive me. He hates me now."
Jess nearly rolled her eyes at that. "Oh, Loki," she said sadly. "You're brilliant, you really are, but you don't know a goddamn thing." Loki looked up, puzzled. Jess continued. "You're smart. I'll give you that. But you know nothing about being an older brother."
"Neither do you."
"Okay, yeah, I know about being an older sister, but that's just semantics. It's the same thing." She smiled. "When Emmett was just born I started having nightmares," she recalled. "I used to dream that he died, in plenty of different ways, and every time it was my fault, because I couldn't hold onto him, or because I didn't reach him in time. I was always this close to saving him, and each time he slipped right through my fingers. I was four years old, so those dreams were all they were – bad dreams. The nightmares stopped eventually, but I'd still get one every few years. And I never understood why, up until the night my mom was killed.
"Since the second he was born, keeping Emmett safe became my priority. I was never aware of it, because there was never truly anything to keep him safe from, but after Lawrence took us… he became my top concern. If I had to give my life to keep that kid from hurting, I wouldn't have hesitated. And I fucked it all up. He's dead, and I'm not, and I couldn't protect him. In the end he really did slip through my fingers. And if I was given the chance to bring him back, I'd do it without questions. If the price was to burn down this universe, I would. When someone brings up the invasion, Thor looks like he'd do the same to get you back. Loki, the love an older sibling has to the younger is fierce and painful and unbreakable, no matter how badly you mess up. Thor loves you, Loki. You're brothers. No one gets a say in this, not even you."
When Jess would look back to that moment, she'd look at it proudly, and think of it as the moment she had made the God of Lies speechless.
"You're actually an optimist beneath all that cheek," Loki said weakly eventually, regaining his composure. "You cast your hopes too high. Anyway, you never have met the person I was before I discovered the truth of my heritage. You never met that Prince of Asgard. You only met the villain I am now. You might not like me as much if I change," he said in a teasing tone.
Jess smiled. "Yeah, maybe," she admitted seriously. "I don't put it past myself to be drawn to your darkness. But really, now. You and I both know such darkness never goes away. There will always be some scar tissue left behind. Neither of us will ever be a hundred percent light again. But that doesn't mean we can't have some of it."
"Darkness?" repeated Loki. "What darkness is there in you?"
Jess leaned her head against the wall and avoided meeting his eye, looking instead at her fingers. Sometimes the same fire that killed my baby brother and my mother and destroyed my life comes out of me, she wanted to say. Sometimes I'm a monster too and I think I kind of like it. She remained silent. Loki must've known better than to push her further on the subject, because he did the same.
"Anyway," Jess murmured after a few minutes of silence. "This has been a blast so far."
"On occasion quite literally," Loki commented under his breath.
Jess made a subtle noise of agreement. "Yeah. And, well, I feel like it's gonna keep being bad for the time being. But also… I do believe that it's going to get better in the end, even if we're going to stay fucked up, because we can't forget everything that's happened. It is going to keep haunting us. We're just going to heal partway through and learn to live with what's left."
Loki nodded slowly. "It sounds better than the way things have been for a long time," he admitted. "Under the circumstances it is practically ideal."
"More or less," Jess said dryly. "Hell, it's probably still more than we deserve. Only question is how we get there, physically. Especially you." She looked at him seriously. "It's been what, three weeks? The Avengers can be here any moment now, and if they don't kill you SHIELD is gonna be all over your ass when the dust clears. They won't just let go if we tell them you had a sudden change of heart."
Loki said nothing.
"Come on," she urged, hitting his arm casually. "You've thought about this, I know you have. Tell me what you've come down to."
Loki shook his head. "You will not like it," he warned her. "You will not enjoy hearing me say it."
Jess shrugged. "I don't have to enjoy everything that happens to me, that's life. Spit it out."
Loki sighed. "I have thought it all over," he told her, "times and times again. I have considered every aspect I could think of, calculated every possible outcome of every possible situation things may come down to and no matter how events unfold…" he trailed off.
"Well?" said Jess. "Then what?"
Loki waited a moment before continuing. "No matter what happens, there will be no forgiveness for me, from anyone but you." He looked at her. "I have done too much. No one will ever look past that, and I will not blame them for it."
"No," agreed Jess quietly. "They won't. It's not always the thought that counts. You're right, they'll never… they'll never see you. They'll never hear your words." She rubbed her face with her hands. This truth was not new to her, but everything was different once said aloud. "Shit," she muttered. "Shit."
"It's alright," said Loki honestly. "I do not mind."
"You shut up," she said. "It's not alright. They'll lock you up, or they'll kill you. Fuck, Loki –" her voice cracked helplessly.
Loki reached out and took her hands by instinct. That forced her to look up and meet his eyes, which were almost startlingly calm. "It is," he insisted. "It is alright. Yes, they will kill me."
Jess sounded a miserable noise as her eyes filled with tears and spilled over. She tried pulling back her hands to wipe them, but Loki kept a firm hold of them and continued.
"Yes, they will kill me," he repeated, "but to die unheard will not be so bad if you have listened. I will never be forgiven by anyone but you, but your forgiveness is more than I could ever have asked. Your forgiveness is the most precious thing that I have ever possessed."
A small sob escaped Jess. "I don't want you to die," she said. It came out a whimper.
Loki let go of her hands, and she wiped the wetness from her face, breathing shakily while pulling herself together. She sniffed and looked at Loki, no longer crying but still visibly upset. Then, in a spur of sudden bravery fueled by fear, Jess jolted forward and her arms curled around Loki's leather clad chest, hugging the Asgardian for the very first time.
Loki's initial reaction was one of surprise. He blinked and almost moved automatically away – but he didn't. Instead he wrapped his own strong arms around Jess's small body, letting her lean her head against his chest somewhat childishly, like a toddler holding onto their parent. He found himself toying with a strand of Jess's hair, curling it around his finger then setting it loose again. Jess made no move to stop him or pull away, so neither did Loki.
He had never expected a hug from anyone, a mortal especially, to feel like redemption. But with Jess snuggled up at his side it finally dawned to him that he felt safe, safer than he had felt in years, even knowing there wasn't any practical hope for him. It felt like a whole new kind of magic. He understood perfectly why the Avengers would take her in the way they did – he did not believe Jess had that effect on him alone. And as the sounds of Jess's breathing mixed with his, he hoped that they would never come.
Tony's feet pounded across the floor in his collected hurry. "What?" he barked into the room, which was already filled with the rest of the team, not bothering with greetings and moving to stand in front of the wide screen on one of the walls.
"Stark," Natasha murmured. "We have a location." Besides her, Steve crossed his arms uncomfortably, shifting from one foot to the other. He looked like a mother in distress, Tony thought. Thought to be fair, Steve always tended to wear his heart on his sleeve.
Tony's eyes faced the screen, running over it and taking in every detail possible. "Loki?" he asked rhetorically. The information displayed already told him everything there was to know.
"SHIELD has finally worked out where that video message was coming from," said Natasha. "The sensors picked up two sets of heartbeats."
"Loki and Jess," said Steve, stating the obvious. Tony rolled his eyes before he had the chance to remind himself that he shouldn't.
"How soon can we be out there?" asked Bruce, toying with his glasses and frowning.
"We're just waiting for SHIELD to give us the all clear," said Clint grimly. "Then we'll be on our way." He turned to look at Thor, who was sitting in one of the chairs, a grave expression on his face. "We don't have any kind of solid information about what's in that building," he said, "we can't anticipate how it all plays out. But while getting Jess out is our priority, SHIELD wants Loki dead or alive, and our orders will follow that." Thor glanced up to meet Clint's eyes. "We might have to go to extreme measures in order to stop Loki," Clint said evenly. "Are you prepared for that?"
For a long moment, Thor didn't say anything. He looked away from Clint. "I will do what needs to be done," he said, not meeting anyone's eye. "When the time comes, I will not hesitate."
Clint nodded seriously. "That's what we need."
"So what now?" asked Bruce.
"Bureaucracy," said Tony, folding his arms. "Basically a waste of time, but no way around it." He took a deep breath, pausing. "Now we wait."
Tony Stark did not like to wait.
Ever.
He especially did not like to wait for things that were important for reasons he did not find reasonable. For instance, waiting for SHIELD's permission to go save a twice kidnapping victim whom he happened to be quite fond of.
He was going a little crazy.
The past few weeks had been tense for all of them. They were not contacted again since the first video transmission where they saw Jess and Loki, and there was plenty room for speculation about what was happening to Jess for all this time. Tony didn't want to think about how she was feeling, considering her past. Much less he wanted to think about the possibility that they will storm into that building ready for a battle and an epic rescue only to be met by the discovery that Loki did not value Jess's life as much as they hoped; that he had long since killed her.
And we're stuck here waiting, Tony thought bitterly. It took an effort not to throw his fist into the nearest wall.
Then he did so anyway.
"Tony, what the hell?"
Tony turned away from the wall and from the speaker, his legs carrying him further off. He did not respond.
"Stark."
Reluctantly, Tony stopped and turned around, looking at Clint and giving him his best indifferent expression.
The archer was frowning. "What's going on?"
Tony shrugged. "What makes you think anything's going on?"
"Well, you just hit a wall for starters."
"Well, maybe I like hitting walls," said Tony. "Or maybe I think it's stupid that we have to wait to be told before we can go get Jess away from an evil psychopath."
Clint nodded, his expression grave. "I know what you mean," he said. "I don't like it either, but we have no choice."
"I know that," said Tony irritably. "I'm not a child. Though while we're at it, Jess is, and she is the one who has been in consistent danger for the past three weeks, so don't patronize me."
"You underestimate her," said Clint calmly. "She's not helpless, you know. She can take care of herself."
"I know she can, but what can she do against someone like Loki? What can anyone do?"
"I don't know," Clint said truthfully. "But I have a feeling she'll surprise us."
Tony shook his head with disbelief. "How can you think that?" he asked almost angrily. "I know she's dealt with serious things in the past, but this is different. This is not an alcoholic with a power complex she's against, it's someone who nearly destroyed the planet on his last trip here. How are you so calm?"
"What do you want me to say, that I'm worried?" asked Clint. "Of course I'm worried, Tony, I'm freaked out of my goddamn mind. But I believe in Jess. If anyone can figure out a way around her situation, it's her."
"She's fifteen! She's just a kid, and she's vulnerable. You know she has PTSD. You heard her screaming at night, you know. You've seen her cry because the effort of being alright is too much for her. She can't even face her own memories and you think she can handle something like that? I can't even imagine what any of this has been like for her, but I can't come up with any scenario that wouldn't break her even further than she already is."
"She's not broken," said Clint, and seemed surprised that Tony would say so. "She's hurt, but she isn't weak. Tony, I think this girl that we took in is much stronger than we could ever have thought, much stronger than any of us will ever be. You'd be surprised how much easier it can be to handle a bad situation than to face a mind, especially your own. Tony, she's not even damaged. She's changed, and that change makes her stronger. And with every additional impact, every one of the things that you think are breaking her, she continues to change and she just grows. It's not a surprise that a change like that is painful. There might be a time when something will be too heavy even for her to carry, but I can't picture something like that, can you?"
"You believe she's okay then," said Tony. "That she's alive."
"I do," said Clint. He paused. "What about you?"
Tony did not answer for a long moment. "I don't know," he said. "I just know that if she's not, it's on us." He looked straight into Clint's eyes as he said that.
Clint nodded again. "If she dies, we all rot in hell," he agreed. "So we better damn well make sure she doesn't. Gear up; it's almost time to go."
Loki knew that they were coming, probably even before they knew it themselves.
And there wasn't a single way out of it that he could see.
"Loki?" said Jess's soft voice. His face must have shown… something. "What's up?"
His eyes snapped up to look at her. He studied her curious expression, her eyes, her face, her hair, and made his decision. In fact, he had made that decision for the first time ages ago, and has been making it again and again ever since; now, however, was the last and crucial time.
"Walk with me," he said, and began to pace softly. She followed him without the slightest hint of hesitation.
"Why?" she said.
Loki didn't say anything for a bit, and she didn't push him, knowing his silence was only while he thought and constructed sentences in his mind. "The Avengers are coming," he said finally.
Jess almost stopped in her tracks, and color drained from her face. "Now?" she said.
"Probably. Very soon at the very least."
Jess pursed her lips together. "So what do we do?"
"We don't do anything, you have no part in this."
"Don't be stupid, of course I have a part in this. It's me they're coming for, and it's you they're coming after. My friend." Now she did stop, and he was forced to turn to look at her. She looked angry. "It's all good and well that you've made your peace with dying but I haven't, and I'm not gonna just sit and watch. One of us has to make an effort to keep you alive and if you're not planning to, I am."
"Jess, think about this," hissed Loki. "Logically. What can you do against an entire team of superheroes? You think they'll burst in prepared to kill and then stop because you said so?"
"I didn't say it would be easy."
"Nor possible. They will never listen to you."
"I guess I'll make them."
"How?" asked Loki. "Compared to them, you're helpless. The only thing any of your attempts to help will do is increase your chances of getting caught in the crossfire, and I will not allow that. I don't need you to understand, I don't need you to agree, I just need you to do as I say."
"Stop treating me like I'm a child," snapped Jess.
"You are a child," replied Loki pointedly.
"Yeah, so what?" she said furiously. "I am never helpless, no matter whom you compare me to, and don't you dare say that I am. Don't you ever tell me my worth and what I can or can't do, even if you're trying to protect me."
Loki sighed and resumed his walk. Jess followed, now reluctantly. Loki glanced out a tiny window set high on the walls – all he could see was the sky, and it was velvety and dark blue. The sun has already set; not ideal, but it would have to do.
"Where are we going?" Jess asked. Irritation was still laced around her tone, but it sounded less genuine now and more tired. Loki kept his mouth shut, because he didn't know if Jess would keep following him if he told her his plan. He suspected Jess realized that to some level but if she did she made no sign of it.
They were both silent after that, even through empty corridors and down flights of stairs. Only when Jess saw at the end of a hallway where they were heading did she stop. "No," she said, her voice dripping with emotion. "No. I won't. No."
"It's the only way I know to keep you safe," said Loki patiently, though he knew they were running out of time.
Jess bit her lip and stared at the end of the hallway. There, in the cement wall, stood the front door, and it was that supposedly simple thing that made Loki's plan clear to her. "I can't just leave you," she said.
"You have to," said Loki. "You can't help me, and I won't have you standing in harm's way because of me. Don't pretend you can't see that this is the rational thing to do."
Jess shook her head. "It's not worth it. I want to stay."
"You'll get hurt. Don't be stupid, Jess –"
"I won't leave you to die alone."
"You have to!" Loki snapped, and the tears that were filling Jess's eyes finally spilled. "You can't be on both sides of this fight, Jess, you can't hold both ends of the stick, it's not that kind of world that we live in no matter how hard you pretend that hope is immortal. If you refuse to make the right choice, then I'll make it for you, now go."
Jess looked up at Loki with wet eyes. "But you'll die," she sobbed out in a voice so small and hurt that Loki felt as though a fist was closing on his heart. His expression softened, and despite how it went against everything he made himself out to be he thoughtlessly reached out for her, pulling her fragile body against his own. Jess clung onto him as if she could keep him alive by holding him there, burying her face in the side of his chest.
"I'm dead anyway," said Loki gently. "Always have been, I suppose. But not you; there's more possibility in you than anyone I have ever met. Go; live your life and sear your name into the fabric of this universe. Let it burn through the eyelids of every living being in it. Make the course of your life an unforgettable one, and don't look back on the miseries you leave behind. Promise me you'll make the most out of yourself."
Jess pulled away hesitantly and brushed her hair over her ear. "I'll try," she said weakly, knowing that she couldn't promise more than that. She turned to the door and placed her hand on the handle, trying to process the thought of leaving now. She opened the door and was almost overwhelmed by the outside air and the cool night, taking in her surroundings.
"Do you have anywhere to go?" asked Loki quietly.
Jess bit her lip and nodded. "Amy's place isn't far from here. I can walk that far."
"Alright. Wait there for a few hours, then contact the Avengers. It should all be over by then."
"Your life, you mean."
Loki sighed, fearing Jess would argue further. "Yes."
Jess just pursed her lips together and nodded again. "So this is goodbye," she said, her voice only slightly shaky.
Loki hesitated. "I suppose it is," he said steadily. And that hurt; if there was anything worth regretting in dying, it was that he would never see her again.
Jess brushed her hair over her ear skittishly, and looked a lot like the young, scared version of her Loki only sometimes saw glimpses of, usually at night. In two short steps she approached Loki, hugging him again but differently than the last two times. Not desperate, not even mournful, but honestly and simply final. When she pulled away, Loki could not have torn his gaze from her face even if he had tried.
"Goodbye," he said softly.
Jess took the final few steps out of the doorway without turning her back on Loki. The brisk fresh air swallowed her and she looked like a sentinel standing there with her shoulders set, her eyes strong and showing no sign of earlier emotional expression. Her lips curved sideways in a smirk and she looked at Loki with a sad kind of calm acceptance.
"See you in hell," said Jess Cory.
With a quick motion of Loki's hand the door closed, the wall breaking the pair made complete as it swung shut, and the sights of their rigid bodies was the last they could ever see of each other, marking an end.
Thus died the last conversation Loki ever had.