A/N 5/29/2012: Thanks to GoogleFloobs for thetaing (Check out his story)! Again, this story is currently under revision, so please excuse any inconsistencies. A full plan of my revisions is avail in Chp. 59, Author's Explanatory Note: An Update.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is copyright of Bioware. Ci-Ci is mine.

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Thank you for reading. Enjoy!

8 May 2183 — Mako, Cargo Bay, SSV Normandy, en route to Therum, Knossos System, Atremis Tau Cluster

Shepard lowered himself down through the hatch of the Mako. The ATV wasn't built for comfort, even if it had been upgraded and enlarged since the last time he'd been in one (Akuze). Actually, he wasn't sure what it was built for. There was enough room in the back to carry an entire squad, if necessary, but he somehow imagined putting a krogan and a turian in close quarters wouldn't end well.

Corinthia took a seat in the back, where they could actually look at each other, as he sealed the hatch.

"What's going on, Shepard?" she asked, concern flowing from her voice and gaze. "You look super pale and stuff."

He ran his hand over his head, taking a seat meant for an army grunt. He didn't want to tell her about the nightmare, but he had to tell someone. He trusted her more than anyone else. Alenko was right: if anyone could understand it was her. If anyone had to understand, it was her.

"That beacon on Eden Prime..." he began, his voice catching. He didn't get nightmares, let alone ones that constantly flashed before his eyes, each worse than the one before. "I don't know what exactly it did to me, but it's fucking me up." He flexed his fingers before his eyes as if he could work the vision from his mind.

Corinthia caught his hands in hers. She didn't say anything, instead just waiting for him to speak. It was completely out of character for her, but he couldn't appreciate it more. She knelt in front of him, eyes never leaving his face and her look never changing from compassion to pity.

"It wasn't meant for humans," Shepard started, his voice barely a whisper. "It had all these feeling that went with it, too. Things I don't feel. Like —" He swallowed hard before he could bring himself to finish, "It just felt wrong... Pain, horror, terror, whatever the fuck you call it. Hopelessness. It was like being stuck in with the Reds again, like I couldn't escape even though I had to." The image of Corinthia being attacked struck him again. He tightened his grip on her hands, but it wasn't enough. He interlaced his fingers with hers. "Damn it, Cassie, if only you'd seen... No, I don't wish you had, because it's terrible, but if you had you'd understand just what this is doing to me."

She shook her head. "No, I get it, John, really, I do," she murmured. "You've just never been scared before, have you?"

"No, I have. Once. When you were shot."

She bit her lip. "This... What exactly are you seeing? You can't be dreaming about me getting hurt, can you? That shouldn't mess you up this much."

"That's part of it. Damn it, Cassie, just stop acting so oblivious for five seconds. I care about you. You're my friend. My only friend. I can't lose you."

Corinthia averted her gaze and she blushed slightly. "John, I care about you, too. But you know I'm tough. I'll be fine."

He loosed his grip from hers and touched the scar on her temple. "You sure about that?"

"This isn't about me right now. This is about you. What did you see? Please, tell me. I want to know. I want to help."

Shepard dropped his fingers from her face and idly ran them along her arm. Her skin was so smooth and warm. He didn't understand why it was, either. Thankfully, she didn't seem uncomfortable with his touch, although if she was, she was hiding it out of deference to him.

"John?" she asked after a long moment.

"I watched the galaxy be torn apart," Shepard started quietly, his voice hardening with resolve. "Monsters were tearing people limb from limb. Paradise was turned into Hell. And then there was this ship... I don't know how to explain it, but it seemed alive. Watching, waiting. Killing thousands in a single shot." Shepard took a deep breath. Talking about it was calming him because now it wasn't just his burden to bear. She knew, which meant she could understand.

Corinthia frowned. "So why did Saren want that in his head?"

Shepard blinked. He'd expected a hug or a sympathetic word, but not that. "What?"

"Saren almost killed me trying to get what that beacon had on it. Why? It doesn't make sense. He must've at least had some idea what he was looking for." She straightened and sat next to him, not taking her hand out of his. "But that never occurred to you?"

"No," Shepard answered truthfully.

"Take a deep breath, John," she ordered. "It was just a vision. Concentrate on what's real."

Shepard stared at their hands. Her touch was concrete enough, but it brought more questions along with its comfort. She wasn't shying away from him. They'd shown more open affection for each other in the last forty-eight hours than they had in almost their entire relationship.

"You're real," he started.

She nodded. "Alright. So's the Mako, the shooting competition outside, the Normandy..."

Shepard shook his head. "You're good enough for now."

She blushed and looked away. "John..."

"Just deal with it, Cassie. You calm me down. Make me forget all the bad shit that's happened to me."

"Sure. If you say so."

Shepard had forgotten how little she knew about his past, even though she knew more about him than anyone else. He'd already told her about the dream, so he couldn't talk about the Reds, not yet. He'd committed so many sins with them that he was positive she would never be able to forgive him for any of them. Then again, she'd have to know before he even tried to be with her —

No, he wasn't going down that path, even though it beckoned all the more powerfully than ever before. He couldn't deny how wonderful it felt to have her sitting close to him, fingers comfortably interlaced with his. After he'd told her the nightmare, his other ones were bursting to come out, to become a part of their combined realities.

If she listened, if she didn't reject him, then maybe he could allow himself to hope. It wouldn't make him good enough for her, but he wouldn't feel like he was hiding something. He never really had, but he had this deep, feral urge to be as close to her as possible. If that meant spilling about his past, he was going to do it, and if he lost her... He wasn't going to think about it. He'd win her back, if he had to.

"Do you want to know?" he asked quietly.

"Know what?" she answered.

"About the Reds."

Corinthia raised an eyebrow. Shepard had never offered up any information about them, other than that he'd been a part of them before he'd joined the Alliance. She inhaled deeply, thinking hard. Her natural curiosity begged her to know, but at the same time she knew that she wouldn't like a word of what she heard.

So, there was only thing she could do: Decide to give him a big hug as soon as he was done talking and not care a bit about what he'd done.

"Yes, I do," she gently replied, squeezing his hand encouragingly and indicating that she wasn't going to let go.

Shepard took a deep breath. Once he started speaking, there was no going back.

"Are you sure?" he asked one last time. "I did some really fucking bad shit. You have no idea who I am, what I've done, what I will do. This makes Torfan look like a joke."

"Tell me, John," she murmured, offering him a smile.

"Alright." He hesitated for just a moment longer before starting from the beginning. "Never knew my parents. Never even knew my real name, except maybe the John part. Got left on a playground when I was three. Kid named Thorum found me a few days later, took me in. Nice kid, but jaded. Don't know why he helped someone my age. Pity, maybe. By eight I was an expert thief and escape artist. There were a lot of us running around the streets, all keeping each other alive. Then the Reds moved in. I was ten. I was stupid and tried to steal from them. When I fought back, they decided to take me in. I never did see Thorum again."

Shepard paused, taking a breath. "The Reds trained me, turned me from a scared thief into a fighter. I was one of their best enforcers by the time I was fourteen. That's when the crash happened. Eezo all over some part of Vancouver. I was there when it happened, got hit by a whole bunch of it. And then..." He raised a hand, the biotic energy flowing a nebulous blue around it. "Then I was the Reds's number one enforcer," Shepard continued. "Got into a lot of stuff with that: drug dealing, fights , gang wars, assault. Stood by and did nothing when the guys... took women."

Shepard felt Corinthia stiffen a little, but she still didn't let go of him.

"Ste — My boss, he tagged me when I was sixteen. Made me one of them for life. I decided that I'd take over, but then..." He studied his feet. "I did a lot of bad shit, worse than anything before. I killed — no, murdered hundreds of men. I smuggled anything from drugs to people, slaves. Started gang wars, ended gang wars. Used women left and right. Shoot first, never leave a witness, no survivors, all of that shit. Torture, execution, bribery, back-stabbing, betrayal. Put bullets in the backs of more than a few Reds. Nobody fucked with me."

Now he could feel her discomfort. He knew that this would happen, but he wasn't going to stop now.

"The Alliance raided our base in L.A., took me prisoner. The Reds let them take me, too. They fitted me with L3s and agreed not to press charges. I was pissed after that. Took me a while, but I got back at the Reds. Waited until I was eighteen, killed their boss, and destroyed their base in LA. From there, I walked into the Alliance recruiting center, and then you met me a few years later."

Shepard waited. It seemed like forever before Corinthia leaned her head against his shoulder and murmured, "So that's your story, then?"

"Yeah, that's my story."

"Oh."

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh?" he repeated. "That's it?"

She sat up. "What else do you want me to say, John? That I saw it coming? Fact is, I didn't. At all. I always thought you were better than that, above it all. You don't act like any of it, and now..." She took a deep breath, looking away. "I don't know. It made you, but it isn't who you are. Or maybe I just imagined you were a thousand times better than you actually are."

He toyed with her fingers. She was still tense, maybe even repulsed. He could lie and tell her that he'd moved beyond all of that darkness, but he hadn't. It was still there, every thrill from every kill, every rush after single-handedly annihilating his enemies. The Reds had turned him into a fighting machine. A monster.

"Do you see why I didn't want to tell you?" he said slowly. "I knew you'd hate me."

She shook her head. "No, I can't hate you," she answered quietly. She shifted, pulling her fingers out of his so that she could hug him. "I think I've passed the point of no return on that part."

Shepard blinked, unsure of how to react. He'd expected screaming, a slap, and then maybe her asking him to never bring it up again, but a hug? On their own accord, his arms encircled her waist. He pressed his face into her throat, breathing in as if she were the only oxygen in the Mako. She wasn't happy, but she didn't hate him. No, she didn't say that. She said she couldn't hate him and something about a point of no return.

Shepard's stomach plunged. He didn't want to dare to think that she was in love with him, but that was exactly what it sounded like.

As if in a dream, Corinthia lightly kissed his cheek.

His carefully fortified walls fell down in a heartbeat. Before he knew what he was doing or could stop himself, he'd caught her chin and turned so that his lips were pressed against hers. She stiffened in his arms, jerking back in shock. Shepard realized what he'd done when she broke his grasp and staggered into the seat across from him, sucking in air.

"John? What the — I mean, what the fuck?" she gasped, her face flushing crimson.

Shepard didn't have an answer. He'd imagined the moment going somewhat differently, he had to admit, but he hadn't planned on kissing her right then, either.

"Cassie, I'm so sorry," spilled out of his mouth.

She ran her fingers through her hair. "No, don't be," she whispered. She pressed her palm over her chest. "Just... how long have you, you know...?"

"That I've known about? My birthday. In reality? One hell of a lot longer." Shepard was embarrassed, but that wasn't strong enough of a word. Mortified. He'd gone and kissed her, fucked up their friendship for good. Broken the unspoken pane of glass that kept their friendship from being more. He took a deep breath. "And you? Do you..."

"Yeah," she answered, turning a deeper shade of red.

"How long?"

"Always."

He stood. "So why did you break it off?"

She met his eyes, giving him his answer: She was frightened. Maybe it was of him, or maybe of the repercussions for being with him, but she was scared.

"John..." she started weakly.

He knelt in front of her, taking her hands. She jerked away, not keen on his touch. He should've known, after assaulting her like that, but she'd never really shied away from him in years.

"You know I couldn't just say something. It wouldn't have been right," he told her. He hesitated before adding, "If you don't want to..."

"I... I don't know," she replied. "An hour ago you were all perfect, but after what we just talked about." She bit her lip. "I don't know."

Shepard had expected confusion; it was a natural state of being for her. Still, to actually hear it was making his hackles rise. Because it wasn't acceptance, it was therefore rejection. He'd just trusted her with all but his deepest, darkest secret and she couldn't even handle a kiss? Handle the knowledge that he cared about her?

Corinthia shook her head. "I'm so sorry, John," she whispered. "But I can't..."

"I get it," Shepard growled, rising.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated.

"Don't apologize. I'm so fucking tired of hearing you say that. I get it, okay? To even think about it — there being an us — was ridiculous. We're too different; I'm the fucking Butcher and you're just so goddamn naive. Stupid idea, stupid fucking situation. I never should've told you about the Reds, about any of that." He ran his hand over his head, his instinct to apologize for snapping, but he couldn't. He didn't want to forgive her for rejecting him. He didn't even want to think about forgiving himself for taking advantage of her. It was just as stupid to push all the blame onto her, but he was angry and, whenever that happened, he was completely innocent of all wrong.

A long pause followed while Corinthia gathered her thoughts. Shepard was still standing with his back to her, but she was afraid that he'd round on her at any moment and do something else. Corinthia, feeling smaller than she ever had before, pulled her knees against her chest, not sure what to say. One one hand, her heart was still racing with joy because Shepard had kissed her. On the other, she wasn't sure what to do with him. There had been moments, albeit brief, where she'd hated him. It had taken a great deal of her compassion to hug him after his admission, mostly because of how frightened he'd made her. Her greatest fear was that he'd create another Torfan or lose himself in a fight, and there he'd gone and practically told her how much he revelled in evil...and this outburst truly scared her.

She was confused, to say the least. She did want to be with Shepard, but to have something that had only exist in her fantasy world suddenly jolt into her reality wasn't easy to swallow. Nor could she put her feelings into words. To calm him down, to get what she wanted. The best answer now, though, was nowhere to be found.

Shepard met her eyes. He wanted to ask if she'd had enough time, but he knew she hadn't. She probably needed space, too. He knew that he would in order to deal with the rejection.

"You still want to come along to Therum?"

"Your call, Commander."

That was the final nail in the coffin. She'd called him by his rank, not his name, not even his last name. It was over. He didn't have a chance.

"Stay behind, then. Alenko, Vakarian, and Wrex will be good enough."

Corinthia bit her lip. "Shepard..."

"What?" he answered coldly.

"I really am sorry, you know?"

He wasn't going to let himself soften to her. He needed to overcome it. "Yeah, whatever."

Garrus, Wrex, and Alenko clambered into the Mako. Williams hadn't even bothered to say anything (although she looked surly), whereas Tali was giving Garrus last-minute instructions on hacking the geth and recovering memory data. Garrus looked like he was trying to understand all the technical jargon, but his answers revealed that he probably didn't understand it at all.

"Do you just want to come?" he irately asked Tali.

She shook her head quickly. "Oh, no. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of mission just yet. Maybe some other time?"

Shepard didn't respond, instead sliding through the hatch and glancing around. Alenko was in the passenger seat, leaving Shepard to drive.

"You're kidding me," he muttered.

"Figured you'd like to be in control, Commander," Alenko replied with a shrug.

True enough, Shepard was the one calling the shots, but he hadn't imagined he'd be driving the Mako. He slid into his seat.

"Fuck this shit," he muttered.

"Where's Ci-Ci?"

"Not coming. Gave her some duties aboard the Normandy, shit like that."

Alenko raised his eyebrows. He'd seen Shepard get out of the Mako and practically storm back to his quarters. Well, everyone on the Normandy had heard him. When Corinthia emerged about half an hour later, she just said that she'd pissed him off and left it at that. It wasn't easy for her to piss off the Commander, but she'd been lurking in the engine room ever since with Tali and refusing to come anywhere near Shepard. She'd blushed at the mere mention of his name.

"Huh. Well, I'm sure we won't need her."

In the back, Garrus, looking on edge, was sitting across from Wrex. The krogan was hunched practically in half, wedged into a tiny seat, a murderous grimace stretched across his lips.

"Just get us going, Shepard," Wrex growled.

Alenko nodded. "Yeah. I don't want to be in here when they decide to take out their claustrophobia on each other."

"Joker, we're ready for drop," Shepard radioed.

"Roger that," Joker replied. "ETA two minutes. Hey, so I heard you and Ci-Ci were alone in the Mako for almost an hour."

"Mention that again and I will personally break every bone in your body. You got that?" Shepard hissed.

"Understood, Commander. I can get you about fifteen klicks from the last known location of Dr. T'Soni."

"Whatever. Just drop us."

Shepard put on his helmet. He had to admit, even if he'd been slightly pissed at Garrus for using his old armor as target pracitce, his new suit was twenty times better. It didn't even feel like heavy armor and Corinthia had done something so that it actually helped his biotics along. Unfortunately, it lacked the carbon scoring, scratches, and burns that marred his old suit. Shepard honestly missed them. They were reminders of all the times he'd escaped death — scars that weren't on his skin.

Still, breaking in new armor was always fun. His stomach twinged because Corinthia had given it to him, but he wasn't going to ditch a perfectly good piece of equipment because she'd been the one to pay for it. Besides, she'd probably come crawling back and beg to reconcile. She always did, but, then again, this wasn't like the other times. Every time before, he'd been the one to fuck up and she'd just ignored it or waved it off. This time, though, he wasn't sure if he'd done wrong or she had. Actually, it had probably been him. After all, he'd been the one to kiss her, to take advantage of her.

I'm a fucking bastard, he thought. He'd apologized already, but frankly he'd been just as shocked that he'd kissed her as she was.

"One minute. Opening the bay doors now."

Outside the Mako, soldiers scrambled into the elevator or engine room so that they wouldn't get caught in any secondary exposure. Even though the Normandy used mass effect fields to keep gravity and air in, it was better safe than sorry.

"Thirty seconds, Commander."

Shepard tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "Anyone been in a drop before?" he called.

Alenko nodded. "Yeah. I made sure not to eat."

Wrex laughed. "Hah! Bring it on!"

Garrus nodded. "Well, I can't let myself be more scared than a krogan, so I'll just sit back and relax." He propped his ankle on his knee and rested his sniper rifle across his thighs.

Shepard turned on the Mako's engine with a roar and eased it up to the edge of the cargo bay door. Joker gave the word and the Mako was free falling towards the black and orange ground — specifically, to the orange glow that was lava.

"Fucking shit!" Alenko shouted, grabbing on for dear life.

Right when it seemed like they were going to crash, Shepard applied the thrusters, sending them to the right and landing safely on the hard, black ground. The Mako shook and bounced, but no one was hurt.

"Everyone alive?" Shepard asked, smirking. He enjoyed drops for the adrenaline rush.

Garrus was in the same position as before, although he looked tense, and Wrex was shaking his head.

"Give us some warning next time," Wrex growled.

Shepard laughed, turning to Alenko. "'Fucking shit'?" he repeated. "What kind of a curse is that?"

"Sorry, Commander, don't curse that often," Alenko excused.

Shepard deftly maneuvering the Mako forward. Therum's surface was riddled with volcanoes and rivers of molten rock. If something wasn't black and barren, it was glowing read and orange. The sulfurous fumes were enough to suffocate anyone in a matter of minutes. The only way to withstand the heat was to be in an envirosuit, and even then it didn't work for very long.

The Mako was designed to drive over anything, but the crew inside still felt every bump and jolt. Shepard had a strong stomach, but even he was starting to feel nauseated.

A blue, swirling laser ball hit the ground, mere feet away from one of the Mako's tires.

"Get on the gun, Garrus," Shepard ordered. "Geth."

Garrus was already on his feet and moving to the turret. Alenko's fists flared with biotics as he readied to put a barrier up around them at any moment. Wrex took out his shotgun and gritted his teeth.

"Can't this thing move any faster?" he growled.

Shepard didn't answer. Between avoiding shots from the geth, the rugged terrain, and the lava rivers, he was having enough trouble keeping the Mako in one piece as it was without zooming along at an ungodly pace.

It took them two hours, but they finally wiped out the geth threat. Shepard parked the Mako. "Everyone out. We're on foot from here."

Wrex was the first one on the ground. Maybe out of repressed aggression, he let off his shotgun at the rock wall. Garrus raised an eyebrow.

"Good thing I was on the gun," he muttered.

Alenko checked the Mako. "Commander, the Mako's pretty badly busted. If we want to use it, we'll have to stay back and repair it."

Shepard landed on the black ground with a thud. "Then fix it. Vakarian, Wrex, follow me. Let's go kill some geth."