A/N 5/29/2012: Thanks to GoogleFloobs for thetaing (Check out his story)! Again, this story is currently under revision, so please excuse any inconsistencies. A full plan of my revisions is avail in Chp. 59, Author's Explanatory Note: An Update.
Disclaimer: Mass Effect is copyright of Bioware. Ci-Ci is mine.
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8 May 2183 — SSV Normandy, orbiting Therum, Knossos System, Artemis Tau Cluster
Finding a place to hide on the Normandy wasn't easy. Most everyone was at their station, so really the only place that she could be alone was in the ducts or in the science lab at the back of the medical bay. She ignored Dr. Chakwas and settled herself into a corner, trying to calm her mind down enough to actually process what had happened.
Honestly, it hadn't even been much of a kiss; she'd jerked back before she'd been able to count to two. If she hadn't felt his tongue on her lips, she might've thought it was an accident, but then again his eyes had been closed and he'd looked... She didn't know what the right word was. His expression had almost been like it had been the last few times she'd kissed his cheek — that strange look of contentment that bordered on happiness — before it'd flashed to disappointed anger, finally coming to rest on sheer horror.
If he hadn't known what he was doing at first, he did at the end. Corinthia was still confused as to even how he'd gotten the idea that she wanted him to kiss her, because she had, although it had only really played out as a scenario in her personal fantasy world. Maybe, just maybe, if she'd seen it coming, she couldn't have freaked out.
Then again, no one had ever even tried to get that close to her before. Shepard was just... Shepard. Her best friend, not boyfriend. He'd never even tried anything until the day before. Maybe the whole Spectre thing had gone to his head, let loose some sort of primal instinct that his upbringing had trained him to hide.
Even though she'd known about him being in the Reds from before, actually hearing him talk about it — even with the few details he'd given — had been bone-chilling. Her idealistic mind had assumed that he'd used the Reds to escape dying on the streets, because he'd been cornered into joining, or something that excused his cold and ruthless nature.
Instead, his story had only confirmed that his nature had always been exacting and cruel. He might have been cornered to start with, but he'd still chosen to run with them, become one of their best (why did he do that with everything he touched?), and decided to take over the gang.
Shepard kept his ambition to himself, so Corinthia barely even knew that he had any until he'd talked about the Spectres. Well, maybe 'ambition' had too much connotation to it. Shepard was so confident that he simply assumed that he'd get whatever he wanted —
Corinthia's heart skipped a beat. He wanted her; it was the only explanation. She didn't know if that thrilled her or terrified her. There hadn't been enough time for her to register if she even liked the kiss or not, let alone how it made her feel other than more confused than she ever had been in her entire life. Everything that she'd known about him, he'd shattered. Worse, he'd known what his past would do to her, had warned her — multiple times — and she'd been stupid enough to ask for details. It didn't contradict who he was; it explained how he was, and Corinthia had been too naive to guess.
So, even if she had wanted the kiss, wanted him, the fact was that her image of him had been completely destroyed and she didn't know what to put up in its place. She'd seen him as a knight errant, but that wasn't an option any longer; he didn't have enough nobility or honor to be one. So, then, what was he? A monster? Psychopath? Sadist? She had no idea. Hell, she wasn't even sure she knew him anymore...
How could he have been so heartless? Revelled in his crimes? She didn't understand. He hadn't sounded like it when he'd spoken about it, but he'd done enough to warrant a death sentence back on Earth, not to mention never, ever being accepted into the Alliance at the time. He must have had to forge all kinds of papers to do it, not to mention get a hacker to wipe his record clean. And leaving the Reds over betrayal seemed a little hypocritical, especially because he mentioned killing their boss.
Then again, maybe that had been his first step to redemption — well, that was a bit strong of a word, but it was the best she could think of. He was the paragon of humanity, although he acted far more like a renegade with his disregard for anyone with undeserved authority. Of all the high-ranking officers, Hackett and Anderson were the only two Shepard tolerated. Then again, Hackett had, in a sense, cornered the Admiralty into letting him give out Shepard's missions, and then Anderson was Shepard if the Commander's good nature outweighed his cold, jaded one.
Oh, she didn't know what to think. Finally, after so long, she understood why he was how he was, even though he was capable of so much more. Why he had such trouble accepting that she could essentially deal with any- and everything he did —
Her stomach plunged. She didn't have any other choice but to stop agonizing about his past. Although she'd never said it aloud, she'd promised herself a long time ago to do everything in her power to keep Shepard as a friend. It had been for a silly reason, so silly that she'd forgotten what her reason was, but she couldn't do that to him. He'd shown his ultimate trust in her by telling her about the Reds and she couldn't just betray that by shying away from him.
Corinthia shivered, remembering how clinically he'd spoken about his past. She had to admit, though, that it was probably the only way he could. After all, he hadn't mentioned it to anyone but her. She wished that he hadn't been lying when he'd said that she was his only friend, but he was too withdrawn to let himself close to anyone. Of course, now that she thought about it, she had no idea why they were even close at all? A series of bad experiences? She never would have altered her assignments if she hadn't thought they were friends.
Well, that wasn't true. She liked serving with him... She liked him. Had liked him, then. She had been a young officer, completely inexperienced with humans, and he had, in a sense, taken her under his wing during the Blitz. Not knowing what else to do, she'd latched onto him, especially after Akuze, when they'd really started to become friends. As personable as she was, she didn't make them often. Within the Alliance, she was an outcast because she wasn't jaded, gruff, or soldier-like at all. To this day, she didn't understand why Shepard had decided to watch over her, but she didn't regret it in the least.
He was all she had, just like she was all he had. The only difference was that he'd realized it first. Although her friend, and admittedly her biggest crush, she'd always half-way imagined life without him. Now, though, she began to count how many times she would've died if he hadn't been there, if he hadn't cared about her. After getting to twenty, she stopped counting, because she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she needed him, probably more than he needed her. If he needed her at all. Wanted? Clearly, but needed? She wasn't sure she'd ever know. He was so strong that allies were almost baggage instead of actual assets.
So, what she wanted to know was when (and if) she'd stopped being an asset and become something else. Akuze? Torfan? Or some mundane moment that neither of them could even remember? And then, probably more importantly, when had 'friend' become more than that? How had he even gotten the idea that she wanted more? She'd tried her damnedest to hide it, but what would have driven him to kiss her?
Unless, of course, it was her he'd wanted, regardless of how she felt. Ever since Torfan, he'd tried to "treat her like she deserved", as he'd put it. And he'd worked his ass off to do it, although he'd messed up more and more... Or, at least, he'd started acknowledging that he messed up. He'd even apologized. Had he ever done that before? To anyone? If he hadn't, then that meant...
Corinthia didn't want to think about it — about how much she had to mean to him. It was embarrassing and unnerving. In her mind, she didn't really belong with anyone. She didn't fit with anyone, except maybe Shepard, and even then he was too much for her, or anyone, really.
As often as she imagined them being together, the pieces never really fit together. Well, they'd started to, now that Shepard had done something about it, but it hadn't been right. It was less that he'd kissed her and more of why he'd chosen to do it. But, maybe, it was less about her and more about him. In the moment that she'd kissed him, he'd been vulnerable. Truly vulnerable. His armor had been stripped off, leaving nothing to protect him from whatever he was feeling.
She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and remembering everything that she could about the moment his lips had touched hers — how her heart had raced, how soft his lips had been, how she'd jerked back out of instinct rather than true desire, because in the end she wished that she'd been brave enough to kiss him back.
Then again, maybe she'd ruined everything with him. He didn't take rejection, nor had he ever been rejected — well, except for his family. How could anyone have done that? She tried not to giggle at the image of baby Shepard, but at the same time she couldn't envision him at any age without blood or bruises all over his body.
However, his story told her just how lonely he'd been for his entire life. She couldn't abandon him, even if she wasn't sure if she could be with him or not.
It wasn't for lack of wanting him; she'd liked him for ages and ages. It was more that she wasn't sure it would work. Lately, they'd argued almost constantly about more and more sensitive subjects. They'd been drifting closer and closer together (physically) and, now that she thought about it, it was only a matter of time before one of them toed the romantic line. She'd worked so hard not to, but Eden Prime had shaken him so badly that she'd had to let something show. In retrospect, maybe it was a bad idea, but it was too late to take anything back.
What if Shepard wanted to take the kiss back? Could she even let him? No, she'd have to let him call the shots. Okay, not completely, because she had no idea what would happen if he had his way. He could be as impulsive as she was when his blood was pumping, except that he also became reckless and stopped caring about anyone else.
That wasn't entirely true, though. On Torfan, he'd gone out of his way to save her and keep her alive, even when other soldiers were falling like flies.
Corinthia groaned. Everything always circled back to Torfan. It was Shepard's coup de maitre — his masterwork. He hadn't been in charge of the mission, but he'd taken control and gotten the job done. Shepard had shown her a glimpse of the demon within when they'd stormed the caves, too. At the time, she'd thought it attractive, but over time the memory had come to frighten her. She wasn't sure she could live with someone whose heart was black — or, even if it wasn't black, that struggled with doing the right thing.
No, that wasn't the right way to put it. Shepard knew what was right; he'd been trained to do that. Even if his actions hadn't been particularly noble (since that was the only word Corinthia could think of), they'd still accomplished something for the greater good — well, as good as the Alliance could be.
In the end, Shepard wasn't a bad man; he just didn't know how to be kind, gentle, or compassionate. A dark knight, maybe, although the 'knight' part was still questionable. If he'd been as terrible as he made himself out to be, he would have left her helpless during the Blitz, left her behind on Akuze, let her die on Torfan, never bothered to save her on Eden Prime... Even if every instance of "good" had been directed at her, the fact was that it was still there.
The more she thought about it, the less his past bothered her. She understood why he'd kept it a secret — and she wasn't about to breathe a word to anyone else about it — and the fact was that the only thing it had done was help shape him. It had long since ceased defining him. For everyone who didn't know him, Torfan was his defining moment.
But for Corinthia? It had been when they'd gone out after Torfan, how he'd awkwardly tried to compliment her, walked her half-drunken booty home, sat through a terrible science fiction vid, and then let her cuddle up next to him during it. He'd been trying so hard to reconcile with her that it was almost laughable.
Not, though, it was her turn. She'd be falling all over herself to apologize, she just knew it. And Shepard probably wouldn't take it, either. She'd never actually wronged him, not really. She'd been silly and said things, but it wasn't the same as doing something to him or managing to hurt his feelings.
As much as she wanted to reconcile, she wasn't sure she could. They'd be seeing each other whether they liked it or not and they'd have to deal with it before the end, probably sooner rather than later, too, for the crew's sake.
"So this is why there are fraternization rules," Corinthia murmured. This was why Anderson had warned her. But, then again, he'd asked her to watch over him, so she had to, didn't she? They were best friends, after all, whether they liked it or not.
Outside the Mines, Therum
Shepard ducked into cover. It had been one thing to take down a geth armature in the Mako, but on foot it was nothing short of impossible. The armature looked like a four-legged geth, except that it stood twenty-five feet high and shot mass effect fields at everything in its path.
Wrex and Garrus were picking off the other geth. Shepard hadn't expected a krogan to be a biotic, but Wrex was. He'd throw geth into the air and take them out with his shotgun. Garrus shot out the flashlight-like heads one by one, leaving Shepard to figure out how to take down the armature. So far, he didn't have many ideas. Corinthia was the one he fought the big-ass fucking monsters with.
Shepard dismissed her from his mind. It wasn't the time.
"Vakarian! Think you can hit that thing's head?" Shepard shouted.
Garrus nodded. "Hell, yeah," he answered. "Wrex, you can have the rest. Shepard and I are taking the big one."
Wrex smirked. "It's still only one, no matter how big it is."
Shepard took a deep breath. He hadn't been using his biotics any more than normal, but his concentration was all over the place. Singularities landed meters off target and his throws, lifts, and pulls were over- or underpowered. It was as if he didn't have an amp at all, but he could feel it overheating after almost every use to the point that he had to take nearly a full five minutes to let it cool.
Fuck you, Cassie.
After carefully gauging the scene, he put a singularity as close to the head of the armature as possible.
"FUCKING HELL!" he yelled as the singularity zipped past the head and away into the mountains.
Garrus was peppering the armature with shots, every one hitting it directly in the flashlight. "I could use some help wish the shields, Shepard."
The Commander was already surging forward. "Enraged" was an understatement. Nothing had gone his way in the last twenty-four hours and his emotions were still running high from his... indiscretion with Corinthia.
Wrex and Garrus both stopped fighting as Shepard flashed by, his biotics surging so powerfully that he was almost teleporting.
"Why the hell didn't I think of that?" Wrex muttered, shocked.
Shepard hit the armature, knocking it back ten feet and taking out the shields. Before it could recover, he drew his shotgun and fired into its core until it creaked, swayed, and collapsed in a pile of dust.
Shepard cracked his neck. His head was pounding, his amp overheated. It wasn't enough to give him a nosebleed (he hadn't gotten one of those since he'd been with the Reds), but it was enough to make him struggle to stay on his feet.
"Damn, Shepard," Garrus mused, holstering his sniper rifle. "No wonder why the Alliance calls you a one-man army."
Shepard shrugged, glad he had his helmet to conceal his face. He was gasping for air, vainly attempting to calm his racing heart, and trying to dismiss Corinthia from his mind before she ruined his biotic abilities any more.
Wrex gritted his teeth. "You'd best start sharing secrets, Shepard," he demanded.
"Get pissed and run," Shepard answered darkly, although he was telling the truth. He'd never attack Corinthia, but everything he'd pent up about her had come out. Worse, he didn't feel any calmer. If anything, he felt like he needed her all the more.
"Shepard, I've got the Mako back online," Alenko radioed. "Need me to join you?"
"Do whatever the hell you want," Shepard replied, switching his shotgun for his assault rifle.
"I'll be right there."
Shepard unintentionally released a sigh of relief. He was feeling tired and wasn't sure he could finish the mission up to par. Alenko was a good biotic; he could cover Shepard's back.
Garrus and Wrex seemed unaware that Shepard wasn't at full power. They'd only worked with him once and it had been a breeze of a mission. Corinthia had been there as well, fighting next to him like she always did. It had been so long since he worked without her that he's almost forgotten how hard it was to adapt to someone else's fighting style. Luckily, Garrus was pretty close, except that he found bird's nests and didn't do a thing to jam enemy radio transmissions.
Shepard opened his radio, debating hailing her and getting her to do something from the Normandy, but he couldn't do it. He wasn't ready to talk to her just yet, even if she could help him. After, maybe, when he'd thought through what he did have to do —
No, first things first they had to get to T'Soni. He'd deal with Corinthia later.
Alenko appeared over the rise, huffing a little from the run. "Commander, Joker says that T'Soni's not answering any hails."
"Great," Shepard muttered. "Another ass to save..."
Alenko could see by how the Commander moved that he wasn't at full capacity. "Want me to go in first, sir?"
Shepard shook his head. "I've got this, Alenko." He gestured to the fallen armature. "Not like there's another one of these mother fuckers in the mines."
Dr. Liara T'Soni was stuck. She'd pressed the wrong button and started the security system. Now, she was suspended in midair in the middle of the room, blocked from everything else by a force field. There wasn't anything there except the console. There was a blue forcefield between her and the outside, protecting the Prothean structure from the attack. She still wasn't even sure what kind of a structure it was, other than that it was something that would have needed the massive central elevator.
Still, if she hadn't been alone, it wouldn't have been such a bad situation; she had been trying to escape the geth. Liara was a decent biotic, but not anywhere near good enough to take on half an army. She might have been if she took the time to practice, but she didn't like conflicts.
The geth were trying to get to her. The rest of the excavation crew was nowhere to be seen. Liara had just started to wonder if she was going to die when, quite suddenly, a group of geth was thrown back in an explosion in conjunction with a biotic field. Two humans stepped out first, their fists glowing blue. The taller of them charged geth after geth, ripping out their optics with his bare hands, while the second tossed the AIs into the air for the krogan — who had just walked into sight — to pick off with his shotgun. It took Liara a moment to realize that the geth simply falling over with a spray of sparks were being picked off by a sniper.
This was a professional team, sent with one purpose, and Liara could only hope it was to rescue her. If not, they were going to kill her, and she was suspended in mid-air like a perfect target. However, their sniper was taking out every single geth that turned its attention to her. Maybe, she though, they were trying to protect her.
All the sounds of the battle were muffled by the forcefield, and she could only see them as if through foggy, dirty, and warped glass. Still, she knew that neither biotic was to be trifled with. She herself was gifted, but lack of use and practice left her having to concentrate hard to biotically lift something across the room. The tallest man, though, was nothing short of a power-house. She'd never even thought to use her biotics in such a way. Every time she turned around, there was something else for her to learn.
When the last geth fell, a turian jumped down from a walkway, holstering his sniper rifle. The taller of the two men gestured angrily towards Liara, starting an argument with the other human and the turian. When a geth twitched, he drew his pistol and shot its head off without even looking at it. Liara shuddered at his cold brutality. The geth were only machines, certainly, but he moved as if killing were second nature.
Liara swallowed hard, fear rising into her gut. Maybe they weren't there to save her. Maybe they'd just leave her there. Maybe —
The earth shuddered. The krogan had found their excavation laser and, judging by what Liara could see of his warped smile, he'd fired it on purpose. Luckily, the blast was aimed at a lower level, but the dust and debris was floating into her containment chamber.
Now, though, she could finally start to hear.
"...kind of thing you would do, Wrex," one of the humans was saying.
"Shut it, Alekno. I just solved our problem without getting Ci-Ci involved," a deep voice boomed. This one had to be krogan, probably this Wrex, whoever he was.
"For what you lack in finesse you make up for in sheer bluntness," the turian replied, his voice flanging metalically.
Liara heard them, rather than saw them, step into her containment cell.
"Damn, what the fuck did you do to yourself?" the other human said. "And I thought batarians were fucking idiots..." He stepped in front of her, pulling off his helmet. This man was the more powerful of the biotics, the one Liara had feared and envied. "Commander Shepard, Spectres," he introduced coldly.
"Dr. Liara T'Soni," Liara replied, trying not to sound desperate. "I must admit, I was foolish..."
"No shit," he growled. "Alenko, turn this thing off."
Alenko came to Liara's side, murmuring, "Won't be more than a minute."
The turian chuckled from the doorway. "Not what you expected, eh, Shepard?"
"Hmph. Asari." Wrex snorted derisvely. "Leave them to get their little blue asses into a fix."
Liara blushed. She'd never been in a predicament like this, nor had she expected hardened warriors to be the ones to find her. Not one of them had an ounce of compassion, but not one of them could read Prothean, she bet.
Shepard's gaze flicked to Alenko before going back to Liara. "So you're the Prothean expert."
"I study them, yes," Liara replied.
His eyes narrowed dangerously. "Are you an expert or not?"
"T-there are many in the field, but I am," Liara stammered. She felt the forces binding her loosen and she collapsed to the ground. "Thank you, Commander. I had been stuck there for hours..."
"Yeah, whatever," he answered, brushing past her, not even offering her a hand to stand. "Joker, get the Normandy down here now."
Alenko leaned in. "Sorry about him, Doc. He's kinda in a bad mood."
Liara raised an eyebrow. "Aren't all humans like that?"
"Well, Shepard's supposed to be the paragon of humanity because he's a Spectre and all, but if you're looking for a good example of what the rest of us are like... Yeah, don't use him." Alenko winked and offered Liara a kind smile. "Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. That's Garrus and the big guy's Wrex."
"It's nice to meet you all. Thank you for rescuing me." Liara's knees were weak. She'd never been in a fight before, but she had a terrible feeling that it wasn't over yet.
Shepard seemed to think the same because he had his biggest gun out and his biotics were flaring around his fists.
Alenko left her side and went to the Commander.
"Ease up there, Shepard, or you're going to blow your amp," Alenko warned quietly.
"Fuck off, Alenko," Shepard snapped.
Alenko raised an eyebrow. "I know that now's not the best time, sir, but you're starting to get reckless. We all need you alive."
Shepard stopped in his tracks. He understood exactly what Alenko was trying to say without mentioning her name. The Lieutenant had never seen Shepard angry — and honestly the Commander wasn't anywhere near it — but Alenko had also never seen Shepard emotional.
It wasn't pretty.
No matter how Shepard felt (rejected, angry, heartbroken), it didn't stop Alenko from being right. Shepard took a deep breath and let his biotics pulse into nothing.
"You take point," was all Shepard said.
Alenko breathed a sigh of relief. Even if it was more work for him, he didn't want to be the one to explain to Corinthia why Shepard had a brain hemorrhage. Of course, that would probably calm the tension between Shepard and Corinthia. Alenko had seen Shepard storm out of the Mako, Corinthia following uneasily about half an hour later. Most of the crew assumed that they'd had their... revelries interrupted, but Alenko knew better. Corinthia was near tears and Shepard nearly tore the door off his locker when he opened it to find his armor (which had been sitting out in its case where Corinthia had left it).
So, the only explanation was that they had argued, like they had at his party. Alenko wasn't sure how, exactly, he'd become privy to that part of their private lives, but he understood that he was really the only person that they both knew — well, that Corinthia knew and Shepard half-way did. Unfortunately, Alenko also knew that Shepard was just about the only thing that could really get to Corinthia, so he could only assume it was the other way around.
Besides, even if Alenko hadn't known them, Shepard had been muttering something to the effect of, "fuck you, Ci-Ci" for the last six hours. That was generally a sign that she'd annoyed him.
Shepard glanced around, looking for an exit. When his eyes landed on the control panel at the center, a shiver ran up his spine. It looked too similar to the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime for his comfort. However, Liara was already striding past him and opening the console.
"I'm almost positive this leads to the surface," she was telling Garrus.
The turian was trying not to look bored out of his mind. "Great. Wrex broke the elevator on the way down. Not looking forward to how this is going to end."
Wrex gritted his teeth and took out his shotgun. "Funny. I thought it was because we were hauling your dead weight around, Vakarian."
"Well, it wasn't like Shepard and I actually needed either of you," Alenko jokingly put in. "I think we had three kills for your one."
Liara had no idea what was going on. Since asari were all female, and she'd been raised on their home planet of Thessia, she hadn't been able to study male bonding or ego-matching.
"Are there any females in your group?" she asked Alenko, again trying not to sound desperate.
Shepard stiffened. "A few."
"Are they like you?"
Shepard snorted. "They don't even know what to do with one of me."
"I don't understand."
Alenko leaned over to Tali. "Let's just say that there's only one of him in the galaxy and it might just be a good thing."