A/N 5/29/2012: Thanks to GoogleFloobs for thetaing (Check out his story)! Again, this story is currently under revision, so please excuse any inconsistencies. A full plan of my revisions is avail in Chp. 59, Author's Explanatory Note: An Update.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is copyright of Bioware. Ci-Ci is mine.

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Thank you for reading. Enjoy!

10 May 2183—Cargo Bay, SSV Normandy, en route to the Citadel

Corinthia worked with Garrus, Williams, and Tali to repair the damage to the Mako. Liara, Wrex, and Alenko were hanging around, chatting, simply because Shepard had practically yelled at everyone on the upper levels to shut up and let him sleep.

The cargo bay wasn't the most comfortable of places. It was large and echoed hollowly at any sound. Unlike most ships, the Normandy had a near silent drive, so the bay lacked the usual sound of roaring engines, especially for a ship so close to the engine room.

"Garrus, hand me that wrench thingy, will ya?" Corinthia asked.

He gave her the tool she requested. "You missed one hell of a fight down there, Ci-Ci."

Whatever good mood Corinthia had managed to muster vanished. "Yeah, I'm sure I did," she muttered.

Williams snorted. "She was up int he lab, pouting."

"Was not!" Corinthia quickly protested.

Garrus stopped welding. "Hang on, what're you two even talking about?"

"You mean you didn't notice Shepard storming around like he was out for blood?" Williams asked sarcastically.

Garrus shrugged. "I thought that was his normal attitude."

Corinthia laughed, maybe a little too loudly. "Yeah, because all Shepard can do it be grumpy and kill things with his magic."

Williams shook her head. "That isn't even funny..."

"Yeah, I guess not." Corinthia occupied herself with welding. "What did you guys do? Drive into maw acid?"

"Lava," Alenko explained. "Shepard was 'avoiding getting our asses fried'. He said it a bit more colorfully, but you get the idea."

Corinthia sighed. "That's generally my job to nearly destroy this thing, but if he wants to, I won't stop him. Needs a better suspension and steering column, if you ask me. Handles like a buffalo neck-deep in water."

Williams laughed. "That one was funny."

Corinthia grinned innocently. "I try. Besides, I'm here for everyone's amusement. Shepard'll make everyone put a gun in their mouths if there isn't some kind of comic relief."

Wrex snorted. "Humans. Can't even get fighting right."

Corinthia frowned. "From what I've seen, yeah, right. Wanna talk about Akuze or Torfan or the Blitz? Yeah, didn't think so." She kicked a warped piece of the Mako's armor until it was bent mostly back into shape.

"Jesus, calm down, Ci-Ci," Williams said, taking a step back. She'd never actually seen Corinthia anywhere near violent. "What the hell did you two talk about to put you in such a damned bad mood?"

Corinthia hesitated. "Things," she answered vaguely after a moment.

"The guy break up with you?"

"We were never together."

Williams snorted. "Yeah, right."

Garrus scratched his head. "Wait... You and Shepard, Ci-Ci?"

"No!" Corinthia protested. "We're just friends!"

Wrex crossed his arms. "The krogan may not breed like you humans, but we're not that blind."

Corinthia blushed. "Whatever. I'm just going to crawl in there and deal with the wiring and let you guys fix the outside." She deftly climbed up the tires and hopped through the hatch.

Williams looked at Alenko. "Seriously, please tell me that I'm not the only one that noticed the two of them."

Alenko sighed. "Yeah, well, most anyone that's served with them knows. We usually just go with it. Doesn't help that Shepard's usually in charge. It's probably best not to bring it up around him. He's a little cranky right now."

Williams rolled her eyes. "That's an understatement. What'd she do to him?"

"So far as I know? Nothing, but I've never seen him this pissed at her." Alenko scratched his head. "They had another argument about a month ago, but the fallout from that wasn't this bad at all."

"Putting yourself in the middle, LT?" Williams snidely asked.

"Yeah, well, someone's going to have to before Shepard rips a hole in the hull. You got this, Garrus?"

The turian waved a hand. "Yeah, we're set here, unless Liara can use her biotics to help."

The asari flushed. "I suppose I can try..."

Alenko headed to the elevators, not really sure what he was about to do. It was one thing to talk to the Commander about a mission, but it was another entirely to start meddling with his personal life. Shepard was notoriously private, to the point that the only things someone without top-secret clearance would have heard on the vids or seen firsthand. Alenko was in an awkward position because he knew Corinthia relatively well and was starting to get to know Shepard, so by most people's standards he was both of their friends. As a matter of fact, he was probably the only person that had served with either of them in the past, cornering him into being the only possible peacemaker. Whatever it was they needed peace about.

Alenko hesitated outside Shepard's door. In all likelihood, the Commander would just yell at him to shut the fuck up and leave, but there was the small possibility that Shepard, for whatever stupid reason, would want to talk about it. If anything, Alenko was going to make a point about how they all needed to cooperate or else they'd never get Saren, so Shepard would have to grow up — No, bad choice in words. That'd get Alenko thrown through three walls and out into space. Act professional? Yeah, that was better. Much better.

He knocked on Shepard's door.

"Who's there?" Shepard growled, sounding even edgier and more dangerous than before.

"Kaidan," Alenko replied. "May I come in, sir?"

The door's holo panel flashed from red (locked) to green (open). Alenko stepped inside, taking a deep breath and preparing for the worst.

Shepard was sitting at his desk, staring at the monitors. There were at least fifty messages open, most of them from the Alliance and almost all asking for help about something. Shepard was minimizing a few panels that Alenko was pretty positive contained parts of Corinthia's and his file.

"What is it, Alenko?" Shepard asked, clearly not in the mood for small talk.

Whatever words Alenko had prepared disappeared. It wasn't that Shepard was acting intimidating, but rather because the man looked like he was actually troubled. Alenko never had been quite convinced that Shepard was as emotionless as people made him out to be, but the Commander certainly never showed anything that he was feeling other than the occasional bit of annoyance.

"You alright, Shepard?" Alenko blurted.

Shepard wearily rubbed his eyes. "Fucking fine. What the hell do you want?"

Alenko's monologue came back. "I know it's none of my business —"

"Then don't get into it."

" — But you and Ci-Ci have to make up. I don't know what happened between you two, but it isn't right. Apparently she was in the lab crying the entire time we were on Therum and now she can't even hear your name without getting nervous. We're soldiers here, not teenagers. She's your best friend."

Shepard leaned back in his seat. For a moment, Alenko was positive that Shepard was going to snap at him, but instead the Commander just shook his head. "I fucked up," he said simply.

Alenko raised an eyebrow. "With Ci-Ci? Is that even possible?"

Shepard groaned. "About twice a day and ten times on Sunday. First there was the bullshit back on Norfolk, then before we shipped out from the Citadel, and now this..."

"Uh, Commander, mind telling me what happened?"

Shepard stiffened and narrowed his eyes. "She send you?"

"Hell no. She's still trying to figure out how to apologize to you."

"But it's my fucking fault."

"Why?"

Shepard hesitated. "This doesn't leave this room, understood? If I so much as hear that you said a word of this to anyone, I will throw you out the airlock."

Alenko nodded soberly. "Yeah, I got it."

Shepard honestly didn't know why he was about to tell Alenko any of this. Honestly, Shepard had to say something. If he didn't, he'd end up doing something stupid again or taking his rage out somewhere else, maybe even on Corinthia again.

"I kissed her," Shepard slowly said.

Alenko raised an eyebrow. "And this caused problems? I thought she liked you."

Shepard shook his head. "Not just that. I told her... things about me. Things that I've never said, and don't fucking ask because they're none of your goddamn business. Just... It freaked her out, but no matter how bad it was, she was still being herself and I just had to —" Shepard stopped, not sure what phrase to use instead of "have her".

"So, basically, you scared her and now you're angry because of her reaction?" Alenko clarified.

"Not how I'd put it," Shepard grumbled. In Shepard's head, it had been a lot more complicated, but Alenko had said exactly what was really going through the Commander's mind, just in simpler words.

"So, what? You like her. We all already knew that. Hell, we all think you two are already together."

Shepard glared at Alenko. "Watch it, Alenko."

"Oh, come on, Shepard! The girl's half-way in love with you and you get mad at her for nothing? It's not like anyone on this ship is going to argue with you. It's not like the Alliance is going to care about regs when it comes to the both of you. Besides, Ci-Ci could hack her way out of all of it and you know it."

"What the hell else am I supposed to do? She's a fucking kid!"

"No, she's not. She's just confused." Alenko couldn't believe that he was having this argument with Shepard, but apparently someone had to. "I saw guys hit on her and she had no idea what they were saying. As if she'd even notice a hint unless you were doing something. She's completely oblivious."

"Like I don't know that." Shepard got to his feet. He'd been going over the incident in his head so many times that he was pretty sure he wasn't even remembering it right. The whole mind-melding thing with Liara had fucked with his head even worse. He just needed to get all those images out of his head, but nothing was helping, so his last resort was actually saying it.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" Shepard demanded angrily. "Give her time? Move on? Act like nothing happened? I can't do any of that shit. I've spent six fucking years ignoring —" He stopped, not sure if it mattered that he hadn't noticed he'd cared. "Dammit, she's too naive to even understand — to get how I —" No, he couldn't tell Alenko that part. "It's not like I can take anything back, either. I don't fucking WANT to."

Alenko held up his hands. Thankfully, he was smart enough to read through the lines of Shepard's outburst. "Look, all I'm saying is that you need to talk to her before one of you punches a hole through the hull. Have you even tried?"

Shepard ran a hand over his head. "Yeah, kind of... It's... complicated. She... She just doesn't get it."

"Get what? That you like her? I think kissing her is supposed to make it obvious. Have you even tried flirting?"

Shepard laughed bitterly. "Me, flirting? Yeah fucking right."

"Alright, point taken." Alenko scratched his head. "Look, do you want my advice?"

Shepard didn't answer, so Alenko continued.

"If it were me, I'd call her up here and explain how you're feeling, even if you don't know what you're feeling. Ask her out. Ask her to be patient. Whatever you need to get over this fight and get back on track. Saren's the real enemy. We can't be fighting with each other right now, especially when we all need to work together if we want to get that bastard."

Shepard turned his back to Alenko.

"There's nothing wrong with caring, Shepard," Alenko finished. "Actually, I think it kinda helps us all out."

Shepard remained silent for a long time. Finally, he rasped, "I need a drink."

"We shouldn't be too far from the Citadel..." Alenko mused.

"Yeah, well, get into your civvies, Alenko. You're fucking coming with me."

Alenko blinked. "I — Why?"

"Because you're the only goddamn man on this ship I can stand right now."

"What about Garrus and Wrex? You three seemed to get along."

"Whatever. If I can't shoot shit and blow shit up, I'm going to drink until I fall over and can talk to her again." Shepard sat on his bed, putting his head in his hands. "What the fuck is wrong with me, Alenko? With all the shit I've done, I can't even bring myself to fucking talk to her..."

Alenko leaned against a wall. "Maybe it's because she actually matters to you."

"Yeah..." Shepard released a slow breath. He was calmer, certainly, but it hadn't helped. He still didn't think he could face her.

"Want me to go get her?" Alenko offered.

"Hell no. If you get me anything, get me a bottle of whiskey."

"Yeah, well, even if I knew all the bootleggers on the ship, I doubt they'd have enough."

Shepard raised his head a little. "Joker, how close are we to the Citadel?"

"ETA an hour, Commander," Joker replied.

"Good. Shepard out." He fell back onto his bed. "I'll see you in an hour, Alenko."

"I think I should tell Garrus to come, too..."

"Do you even know him?"

Alenko shrugged. "He's got a place in case neither of us can walk out of there."

Shepard snorted. "Good point."

Alenko went to the door. "I'll let Garrus know and meet you on the docks in an hour, sir."

Shepard just waved a hand in response. Honestly, he wasn't sure what the point of any of that was. Sure, he needed to get out to breathe a little, but it wasn't like the alcohol was going to help him any. He'd been drunk too many times in a short period to really warrant another binge. Besides, he wouldn't be thinking clearly and he knew it. He needed to be able to, though, if only so that he could figure out what the hell was going to do.

Admittedly, Alenko had helped. It was at least good to know that Corinthia's reaction had been shock and not repulsion. However, Alenko had used the word "love", which Shepard had been trying to avoid before the fallout, and it was rattling around in his head. Again. It was going to drive Shepard insane if he wasn't careful... Or if he didn't just admit to it. Granted, he had no idea what love even meant, or even if he was going to be capable of it, but he'd only be able to decide once he had Corinthia and just knew, he guessed.

Either way, a night out on the Citadel was looking appealing and to be about the only solution he could think of to avoiding her for another few hours.

Liara had her work cut out for her, going through all the Prothean data. Corinthia offered to be of help, but Liara was too eager to wait until the Mako was repaired.

The Prothean data wasn't much and was tangled up in computer code. Liara's heart sank as she realized just how long it was going to take her to even start the translation.

Corinthia walked in, looking frustrated and nursing singed fingertips. She practically fell into the chair next to Liara.

"If Shepard ever tells you that something's your fault so you have to fix it, ignore him. Fixing that damned Mako is the bane of my existence," Corinthia started.

"But you weren't even down there with us," Liara answered.

"Doesn't matter. The Mako is my hiding spot, so I have to fix it," Corinthia replied, blowing on her fingertips. "At least the electronics. We keep an in-house electrician, but nooooo. Shepard needs me to sort it out."

Liara raised an eyebrow. "I don't understand. Are you better than the electrician?"

"No, but I know the Mako inside and out and he doesn't." Corinthia stretched with a groan. "How's the Prothean stuff coming?"

Liara sighed wearily. "I cannot make head or tail of it. It was all so clear when I joined with the Commander's mind, but now there is nothing there but lines and lines of code."

Corinthia leaned forward, looking at the screen with narrowed eyes. "Yeah, that's code alright," she said after a long moment.

"Can't you understand it?"

"Nope." Corinthia scratched her knee. "That's not a computer language I know. Not even krogan. Their computers are... Well, it's off. It's all off." Corinthia pulled her seat closer to Liara. "Seriously. I don't know what I'm looking at. Maybe it's Prothean?" Corinthai sighed. "Sorry, my mind's all muddled right now."

"Your mind is?" Liara repeated. "Have you seen the Commander's?"

Corinthia released a slow breath. "I don't have to."

Liara bit her lip. Upon joining Shepard's mind, she'd seen things that she knew she wasn't supposed to... Things about him and Corinthia. "Because you are in love," Liara murmured.

Corinthia's jaw flopped open. "H-how did you... He can't be..."

"When I joined minds with him, I saw much... Things I believe I was not supposed to. He holds his memories of you close to his heart, but they are confused with the images he saw in the beacon. I-I am confused by it. Terrified." Liara shivered. "But the dread he felt is nothing in comparison. To think that a man sush as he could feel fear at all..."

Corinthia pursed her lips together, remembering the relief written on his face when she'd woken after being shot. She'd never really seen him scared, but that was the first time she'd ever seen him look so... genuine, as if he weren't hiding. Maybe that was his reaction to overcoming fear or something, but she didn't know.

Liara blushed slightly. "I am sorry. This is none of my business."

"No, no. It's fine," Corinthia murmured, running her fingers through her hair. "Shep — John and I... We've been friends for so long that it all just got confused. Yeah, I care about him, more than he..." Corinthia hesitated. "More than he knows," she finished. "Or maybe he does know, which is why he —" She stopped.

"I saw what happened, when we..." Liara said quietly. "He dwells on it constantly."

"So he knows."

"He is unsure of your own feelings, which is why he remains so conflicted, I believe. I - I do not have much experience with these matters. I am too young for all of that."

"Young? You're, what? One-twenty?"

"One hundred and eight," Liara corrected.

Corinthia whistled. She knew asari ages, and one-o-eight was like being nineteen. "Would not have called that..."

"And you are twenty-three."

"Yep," Corinthia replied.

"Do you understand? What you are feeling, I mean."

"Hell no, but I'm used to it." Corinthia leaned her elbows on the desk. "The regs are the part that stops me. That and being nervous about saying anything."

"What regulations?" Liara asked, confused.

"We're both officers of different ranks. Totally off the table. Even if we were the same rank, we'd be reassigned to different ships. It wouldn't work. He doesn't keep in touch. I try, but... Well, it doesn't work all the time because I get distracted and then it's been weeks. Then again, it doesn't matter. We just talk like nothing happened, like no time's passed. But not this time." Corinthia studied her blackened fingertips. "This isn't something we can just pretend didn't happen, because I'm pretty sure we both wanted it. I mean, I didn't know what was happening when he - he kissed me, but now I wish that I'd just... I dunno. Let him. Enjoyed it. Something other than just jerking away."

"Then why don't you speak to him?" Liara asked. "Tell him what you wish?"

"It's not that simple. He's the commanding officer. We don't sit around and discuss our feelings, even when we're off duty. I'm not actually sure we've ever talked about them, really."

Liara pursed her lips. "Why are you trusting me with all of this, Ci-Ci?"

Corinthia shrugged. "I dunno. Because you know something about him, too? I know you may not want to, but you do. You connected yourself to him." Corinthia barely managed to conceal her jealousy, but she managed.

"He did not wish it. He forced me out the moment his thoughts strayed from the beacon. His willpower is astounding. I must admit, even though I barely know him, I am am envious of you."

Corinthia blinked. "Huh? Why?"

"He would do anything for you." Liara clasped and unclasped her fingers. "I didn't see anything in specific, but, but I could... feel what he was feeling. How important —" Liara stopped. "Perhaps I am confused as well. To have seen everything he has..."

"I wish I knew."

"No, you do not." Liara turned and looked deeply into Corinthia's eyes. "It was terrible. I would show you, but I feel that he wishes to keep it to himself, private. He did not wish to share what he'd seen and I wish I had not looked. So much death..." Liara shut her eyes tightly. "How can he bear it?"

"Because he's seen worse?" Corinthia offered.

"I am not so sure. This was... terrible." Liara couldn't think of another word for it.

Corinthia tapped her fingertips together. "We became friends because we were the only two survivors of a thresher maw attack. He saved me. I don't think he meant to, but he did. Maybe he felt sorry to me, but he let me talk to him and then it just kept going. We continued to work together, got closer and closer... Next thing I knew, he was my best friend and I was his. We're inseparable and they all know it. We both got sent to Torfan and almost everyone died there, except us. Again. Because he saved me. It's stupid," she said with a laugh. "He's always there for me and it doesn't matter if I'm there for him. It seems like, at least."

"I think it does matter," Liara mused. "It must matter very much. Everything about him is so strong that his attachment to you must be the same."

"And you got all of this from spending five seconds in his head."

"Yes, I did," Liara answered as if it were obvious. She cocked her head to one side. "You know him better than you wish to think. He does not think little of you. He thinks more of you than he does of anyone else. I - I am sorry if this is none of my business, but you look so sad right now that I could not help it."

Corinthia smiled weakly. "I know you're trying to be helpful, but... What am I supposed to do, Liara? We're soldiers. It's our job to hunt down Saren and I can't even think about it because I'm fighting with a friend. This is why they give us regs in the first place. It's ridiculous, but it's what happening. I just want to make peace, somehow, try and fix things and get them back to however the were before."

"Is that truly what you want?" Liara asked. "Because I don't believe you. I may not know much about human emotions, but the only time I have seen you look happy was when you were talking about him, even if it was not what you were feeling. It is difficult to explain. If I may?" Liara held up her hands. "I could join minds with you, attempt to clarify."

Corinthia slid her chair back. "Thanks, but no thanks. If it was work, it'd be one thing, but this is personal. I don't mind talking about it, but the whole mind thing kinda freaks me out."

"I see..."

"Not that you're a freak! Because you aren't. I mean, well, we all kinda are, here, at least, but I don't want to confuse you even more. Trust me, my head is totally messed up and your brain might explode if you tried to understand it."

Liara snorted and finally started laughing. Corinthia joined in after a moment and nearly fell out of her chair.

"I can see that being your power," Liara said with a giggle. "Making men's brains explode."

"Anyone's," Corinthia corrected. "You should've seen Shepard the first time we talked. I think I gave him an aneurysm that messed with him so badly that he had to stay friends with me."

Liara leaned in conspiratorially. "Or perhaps you are a secret biotic."

"Me? Hah! If I was a biotic, I'd be stuck at Grissom Academy and doing who knows what else."

Liara turned back to the beacon data, still smiling. "I should get back to this..."

Corinthia opened her omni-tool. "Bet I can find some kind of translation algorithm to help us out. If not, I'll write one. Been a while since I was able to fiddle with things and not have to cover my tracks. Not that I should have to," she added quickly. "Because I don't."

Liara's smile widened. "And why is that a problem? You are curious, as am I. It is only natural."

Corinthai grinned. "Yeah, guess so, but tell that to the Brass. They don't like it when people fiddle around to make things more efficient."

"Meaning that you reassign yourself to the Commander's side."

"Yeppers. Need my daily dose of cynicism and rancor or else I'll go nuts." Corinthia smoothed her bangs over her scars. "And he's sexy. That helps."

"Is he? I am not a good judge of human physical appeal."

"You'll see him without a shirt before long. Then you'll get it."

"Asari do not care about the gender. They see beauty in everything."

Corinthia hesitated. "Uh..."

"It unnerves you."

"No, it doesn't, but I don't... You know..."

"Don't worry, Ci-Ci. I am not about to even attempt to compete with the Commander. Besides, I am not looking for anything like that. I am more concerned with the Protheans and this... Saren, whoever he is."

"Right. Maybe I should explain that part. It's not a long story, but it's kinda complicated. I think. Just... stop me if you get lost or confused."