Flashback
10 weeks ago (Yes, still.)
She shook her head, grabbing her stomach, "No. Something's not right."
This wasn't supposed to be happening right now. He wasn't ready. She wasn't ready. They both weren't ready.
She winced in pain. The pain was almost unbearable, like a knife twisting up her sides, her guts in knots. The blood was rushing to her head; there was a pounding in her temples. It wasn't right.
Castle nodded and was quick to his feet, helping her up, "We better take you to the hospital. Do you want me to call anyone for you?"
She shook her head, her answer both sharp and dry "No. I have no one to call." Maybe it was the painful cramps talking or maybe it was the even more painful realization that she was alone in this, that she, alone, had caused this, that this was her fault, that he didn't want her, that she'd be a bad mother, a terrible one.
She was an addict, therefore he was an addict. Her son was an addict and she had no one to blame but herself.
Because something wasn't right, she could feel it.
She was barely 32 weeks pregnant. It was too soon.
12 weeks ago, she had found out. She hadn't even realised how many of her periods she had missed. She hadn't even realised how much weight she had put on until someone pointed it out. She had been so out of it she hadn't even realised she was 20 weeks pregnant.
She was stoned out of her mind when her friend had pointed it out. She was high when she had peed on the stick. She had taken a line of snow when the lady at the clinic had told her she was too far along for an abortion. She was still feeling the buzz when she got back to her place and cried, realizing what was happening.
She had finally cried. She had cried the loss of her mother, cried the loss of her youth and cried the loss of her sanity, her reason. She had cried all the tears she had managed to accumulate over the years until there was nothing left in her, energy drained, falling asleep. She had woken up craving her, her mother. It was the day that he had saved her.
She had managed to save a box, packed by her mother, 5 years ago, to take with her when she was still a 19 year old college student filled with hopes and dreams. It was the box she had never managed to open, the box she would have killed protecting, the box she had managed, over the years, to save from her vulture friends, from herself, searching for something to pay for their next fix.
Kate had laughed hysterically when she had opened the box and the smell of her mom trapped into the time capsule had invaded the room. A book, his book, Richard Castle's, had stared at her and it had saved her, giving her the kick she needed. With every page she devoured, she felt her mother a little closer.
"Life never delivers something that you can't handle."
Her mother used to say that, over and over again. Her mom, she would be so ashamed right now.
10 weeks ago, she had thought her heart was trying to escape her too damaged body. She had almost given herself a heart attack when stopping cold turkey. She had thought she was doing the good thing, the right thing, finally. Turned out she wasn't. Her body could take it, neither could the fetus. She could have died. She could have killed her baby.
She had finally met with a doctor. She had seen it, him. They had told her she was having a boy. She was having a boy. Everything got real extremely fast. Her doctor told her, it was never too late to stop, to get clean, but she knew. She had done her research. She had seriously screwed up and her son would end up being the one to pay the price.
She was a mess and that needed to change. She had. She had tried, at least. And for a while she had thought everything was going to be okay. She had thought she could break the odds.
8 weeks ago, she had found a job. She had managed to clean up pretty well. She had taken a job at a coffee shop, serving Grande Skim Lattes with two pumps of sugar free vanilla to successful women, dreaming, hoping, wishing. It wasn't what she had thought she'd end up doing if you'd asker her at 18. It wasn't glamorous and it wasn't lucrative. It wasn't always easy but she was doing it. She really was trying.
Turns out it probably had been too easy, and now her mistakes were finally catching up.
She looked into his concerned eyes as he asked, "It's okay. Where are you parked?"
"I'm just going to hail a cab, but thank you," she tried hiding behind a polite smile. She had no car. She could hardly afford rent. She had used one week's worth of tips to buy his book, it was the least she could do.
"Nonsense, let me take you. I'm not letting you go there alone."
Alone. Maybe she wanted to be alone. She had always been the type of person to deal alone. She didn't understand why he was intent on helping her when she had absolutely nothing to offer.
"We don't know each other."
"So?"
"You don't have to do this."
"Maybe I want to."
"Why?"
"Look, Beckett-"
"Kate."
"Kate, I just want to help. Just let me help. I'm not asking you to marry me, I just want to help. Ok?"
She nodded uneasily.
"Come." His fingers grabbed hers and instantly, she pulled away. For the past years, every contact has been fueled by the primal instinct. She wasn't ready for this.
They got to his car, and he quickly pulled onto the road, but they were packed. New York traffic was always unpleasant, but at that moment it was particularly unwelcome. She pressed her fingers on her temples and slowly breathed in and out. The nausea was back and there was no way she was hurling all over Castle's Mercedes.
Noting her unease he opened her window and she silently thanked him.
"How far along are you?" he asked trying to overcome the silence creeping up in the car.
"32 wee-"
Suddenly, his phone started ringing and he quickly checked the caller ID.
"Crap. It's my daughter, I really need to take this," he said as he put his Bluetooth on.
"Hey, Pumpkin!" his voice was light and happy.
"Can you call grams? I'll be held up a couple of hours."
She watched him as he nodded and smiled, clearly interested on what his daughter had to say.
"I love you, too" he added as he hung up.
He gave Kate a smile, "Sorry for that."
"You have a daughter?"
"Yeah. Alexis, she's 10. She's the best, cutest little red-head around. Wise beyond her years."
She nodded, unconsciously patting the novel she still had nested on her lap.
"You're a big fan I see. Got an 'I love Richard Castle' tattoo somewhere?" he asked jokingly.
She rolled her eyes, smiling, "My mother was."
"Your mother has an 'I heart Richard Castle' tattoo?"
She rolled her eyes and shook her head, "She was a fan, moron."
"And you aren't?" he answered feigning hurt.
"I wasn't. For a very long time."
He nodded silently and she realised how she had come off.
"Don't get me wrong, you have a gift. Your words, they have the ability to save people. They've saved me. If you want to write the book about a kickass detective, then do it, because there is no doubt in my mind you're able to." The last of her words trailed of and she couldn't manage to look at him, so instead, she just stared out the window.
The cars were now completely stopped and she shook her head looking afar to the endless line. She breathed loudly closing her eyes when another surge of pain filled her insides. "Maybe I should have let you call me that ambulance," she whispered mostly to herself.
"Oh my god, Beckett, this is our lucky day!" he called.
He pulled off of the road, parking behind a police car. She shot Castle a panicked look; she didn't have the best track record when it came to the cops. She had too many arrests on her belt, too many nights spent sobering up in the overnight cell.
When he pulled the keys out of the ignition she lost it, her heart was pounding, "What the hell are you doing Castle? We aren't there yet."
"Stay here Kate, I know these guys!" he jumped out of the car without further explanation and she huffed.
She watched as Castle gestured something to two officers coming out of a building. There was a milky blond one and a Latino. They seemed to recognize him, which was a good sign. Suddenly, all three of them turned around and faced her. The officers' eyes squinted as they stared. She gave them a faint smile, reluctantly backing away and waving shyly.
They approached her and the paler officer opened her door. He held out his hand, helping her out of the car, "Hi Ms. Beckett, I'm Officer Kevin Ryan, this is Officer Javier Esposito. Castle here tells us you could use some help getting to the hospital?"
She nodded shyly, looking over to Castle.
He beamed, puffing his chest with pride, "I saved these guy's lives before, so they kind of owe me."
"We what, now?" exclaimed officer Esposito, quickly turning around towards the writer.
"You heard me," added Castle, confident.
The two officers shook their heads and shared a look, containing a smile. They opened her door and she and Castle sat in the back of the police car. Officer Ryan was about to take the driver's seat, but Officer Esposito shot him a look to which Ryan shrugged his shoulders and went to the passenger side. When everyone was seated, Esposito flashed the lights and quickly entered traffic.
"So, this where it comes from," she stated, her eyes glued on the writer.
"What?"
"Your deal with calling people by their last names. I work close to the precinct, it's a cop thing. Being a writer wasn't enough for you? Had to go play cop."
The two officers in front chuckled.
"Hey! I wasn't playing. I was a huge help."
"You got in the middle of an undercover op. and we couldn't pull you out. We had no choice, but to use you," said Ryan.
"And I was useful."
"You were a distraction, a liability, bro." added Esposito.
"You should have heard, what Montgomery's been saying about you," laughed Ryan.
"But Montgomery loved me!" exclaimed the writer.
"No, Montgomery didn't want to piss of the mayor."
She smiled at the sight of Castle's dramatic, shocked look.
It was the first time she had genuinely smiled at him and she was beautiful. She was damaged, hurt, but there was no arguing she was beautiful. When she winced in pain, it only felt natural for Castle to grab her hand. Instead of pulling away, she squeezed it, letting her eyes linger into his.
Ryan coughed loudly in front, watching them in the rear-view mirror, grinning. "We're here."
Silence.
He wasn't screaming. He wasn't crying.
Everything was chaotic around her; she couldn't make out everything they were saying. Out there, she had been somebody. She had come in with Richard Castle and two uniformed officers. In here, she was no one. She was a low life addict and no one was talking to her.
Underdeveloped. Lungs. Addict. Survival. Rate. Operate. BPs. Drugs. Dead. Perforated. Tube.
The words were flying around in the room, a sense of urgency in every person's tone. Everything was happening so fast, she didn't have time to understand.
She cried when they took him away. She hadn't seen him. She hadn't said hi. She hadn't said goodbye.
PRESENT DAY
She exhaled slowly, looked into his eyes and stated, determined, "Dad, I need to know the truth."
Just then did she realise how tired her dad looked. She had been so caught up in her pain. For years, she had completely disregarded his. He must have aged 20 years since his wife's murder. With the black under his eyes, she could tell he hadn't been sleeping well.
"Dad?"
"Yes, Kate?"
"I need to know. Did, did it really happen? Did I have a baby?"
"Yes, honey, you did."
It was true. She knew it was. She had hoped she was still being delusion, but she wasn't. She'd had a baby, one she had completely erased from her mind. Her baby was dead and she had chosen to forget about him.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" she cried out.
"Katie, he made it. He pulled through."
"What?"
"Your baby, your son. He's alive."
"Dad?" she cried, the tears were streaming down her cheeks.
"It wasn't easy he spent the first 8 weeks of his life in the ICU. He's tough Katie, he takes after you. He's been with me. He's been waiting for his mother."
She was sobbing, but she was smiling, finally.
Hope this one clears things up, although I've managed to have a flashback in a flashback. Sometimes I forget you guys aren't inside my head with me. I guess I should have gotten a Beta for this fic, too late for that now I think.
My initial plan, was a dead baby but I couldn't stomach it. Kate's been through enough, right?
Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?